Ponyville Elementary
"Scootaloo? Be a dear and board up that window, would you?" Cheerilee asked as she held the door shut from the barrage of angry birds outside. They were attempting to pummel their way through, smashing themselves against the windows and entrances to the school. The main door and most others had some form of debris blocking them up, and were constantly being added to.
The frightened children of the class were either staying away from the walls altogether, or helping to defend the structure from the onslaught. It had been about half an hour since the entire school was swarmed by the things, and, while many classes had attempted to evacuate the school and run, each time they were all caught and magically vaporized into the unknown. Cheerilee's was the only one left, bunkered down from the suicidal bomber birds.
It happened as soon as they returned from the school trip to Canterlot Gardens. The terrain, sky and even ponies began transforming into anarchic shadows of their former selves, the only purpose being to confuse and disorientate onlookers. Whether it was with the peanut-filled sky, the roads that resembled bowling alleys, or the ponies that were now bowling pins, it was safe to say the objective was complete.
The windows that were left open were reinforced positions where the children could attack the birds, while the closed ones needed to be protected with anything they could find. There were stacks of chairs, tables and desks against them, rumbling with each impact.
"Mith Cheerilee!" Twist called from her position as lookout. Staring through the windows, she continued with her lisp, "The birdths have learnt to use thlingthots!"
"Ugh," Cheerilee sighed, holding a magenta hoof to her head. "Truffle? Could you hold the door while I take a look?'
The small grey colt nodded, and waddled to the door before taking a seat to defend, propping his back up against it.
Sure enough, the fat birds were floating into place in front of multiple slingshots aimed directly at them. Up to now, they were simply rolling their humongous bodies into the building, but now they were literally being propelled at them.
A thunderous smash from a giant, spherical red bird left the building quivering, dust falling from the walls. The entire class staggered at the force, many losing their balance and falling.
"Get outta here, dumb pigeon thing," Scootaloo yelled through the window as she assaulted a white bird with a broomstick through the window.
"Actually," Cheerilee started through heavy breaths as the shielded lookout point was pounded against her regularly, "Pigeons are part of the columbidae family, like doves. These could resemble the hirundinidae family, like mutant, bloated swallows. However, the aggressiveness shown here is a clear variable between them, which makes me think they could be... "
Scootaloo stood bored, staring at Cheerilee as she went on to describe the various eating habits and differences of the bird families while the broomstick was being chewed. Twist was interested though, even in the midst of all the crazy shenanigans.
Meanwhile, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were averting some attention from the others as they assailed the birds from an open window with a near-endless supply of apples. Each time the birds got close enough, an incredibly fragile apple would explode into their faces, hindering the progress.
"Applebloom, why do you have so many apples?" Sweetie Belle asked as she picked up another hoof-full from the red-maned filly's school bag and began firing.
"Ah don't know!" She exclaimed, "Usually AJ and Big Mac dump the excess ones on me, but not this many!"
One of the larger birds collided with an apple, but this time, it ricocheted back through the window. Narrowly avoiding it by ducking, Applebloom watched as the apple swiped Diamond Tiara's crown away from her head and flew outside into the ravenous birds.
"Hey! You did that on purpose!" The purple filly yelled at the still-crouched Applebloom.
"How would ah be able to do that?!" Applebloom retorted.
"I don't know, you're a bird sympathizer!"
"Why would ah help the things tryna crush us?!"
"Umm... guys...?" Snails said, his back against a window. The others looked to him and his partner, Snips, while they were meant to be guarding the various open windows. "They're not attacking anymore..."
Looking out the windows, the birds slowly rolled backwards. Either into the hedge and forest behind, or down the road into Ponyville. One by one, they disappeared out of sight. The attacks stopped, and the classroom was left in an eerie silence. Scootaloo tried poking her head out to take a look, but the window was jammed too narrowly to fit through.
In their place, dozens of 'normal' crows and ravens came. Adorning the swings, see-saw, climbing frame and general playground, flocks of black birds sat in wait. The silent beaks only added to the creepiness, the overwhelming feeling of uneasiness reflecting through their beady eyes.
The playground was covered in black, each and every spot filled with the somber presence. The children looked to Cheerilee for guidance, or an encouraging word, but got the equivalent of a shrug through her frozen face.
"O...kay, children," Cheerilee said carefully, "Let's try and ignore them and get back to our studies?" Cheerilee suggested. The few remaining desks and chairs that weren't used as defensive equipment were quickly stolen as they gathered around Cheerilee.
"Aww, but I don't want to do algebra when it's the end of the world!" Sweetie Belle complained.
"Now, now, Sweetie Belle, that's not confirmed yet," Cheerilee said, walking back behind her desk and rummaging around inside. "Maybe some fractions?" She offered with a sheepish smile, pulling out a thick text book.
"AWW," Applebloom groaned louder, flopping her head on her desk.
"Fine!" Cheerilee said, annoyed at the lack of enthusiasm. "Literature then." She turned to her chalkboard and began writing. "Nopony can go wrong with ManeBeth!"
"Urghhhh..." A distant voice moaned.
Cheerilee sighed, and turned around. "Let me guess, Scootaloo, you have a problem with ManeBeth?"
"Huh? I didn't say anything!" Scootaloo whined, looking at all her classmates that were gawking at her.
The class went silent, and glanced around the dishevelled room. Nopony was making a sound, which is when a pained moan pierced the cadaverous, dead air. Following that was a cacophony of repeated wailing. Hoarse, guttural voices cried from outside, raising in volume.
To add to the already grievous atmosphere, the bird cries signalled the incoming attack, as they were besieged on all sides from the battering and shredding hooves.
"Zombies!" Snips yelled in fright as they came into view, harassing the home-made defences. Pale-faces, a terrible stench, rotting flesh and hung-out arms, they seemed to fit the classic description of zombies.
Through the windows there seemed to be a floating figure commanding the zombies. It was attired with a full black, leather coat and a pair of sunglasses adorning it's head. It slicked back it's uneven horns and cackled to itself.
Pulling down it's glasses to reveal a pair of burning red eyes, the male voice said, "Complete. Global. Chaos." A wicked smile flashed his set of gleaming white, but uneven, teeth, and he disappeared, allowing the zombies to continue.
The class was in disarray, most backing into the walls, as far away from the attackers as possible.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Zombie Hunters!" The trio of adventurous fillies shouted in unison, and began preparing for a surreal fight. They each charged to a window before the zombies could slither through, and, with either with a weapon of some sort or their bare hooves, held them back.
Cheerilee watched in half-worry, half-amazement as Applebloom bucked a zombie through the window and into it's friends. On impacting the floor, the group of defeated zombies bubbled and melted, before reforming into green jell-o.
With not much of a choice, Cheerilee joined in, slapping the zombies with her ever-lasting supply of textbooks. Cheerilee was worried that this was a bad influence on the other kids, but the onslaught didn't appear keen on negotiating.
Scootaloo, simply prodding the shuffling horde with a broomstick, seemed to be keeping them back well, but the numbers were growing as they converged around the quarantined building.
The growing smashes of the classroom's side door weren't doing well for morale, but Truffle's one-pony defense system of sitting down in front of it was holding steadfast.
Even Diamond Tiara was getting in on the action, taking out the pent-up aggression of losing her crown, and being surrounded by foals unworthy of her presence, on the stumbling masses by firing bits of stationary from Silver Spoon's back with a ruler.
Clashing together the two board erasers, the cloud of smoke enveloped the group of zombies at Sweetie Belle's window. They were intact enough to suffer from the effects of coughing, flailing their hooves around in reponse aimlessly and hitting each other.
As quick as it began, it seemed they were already being overrun. Part of the class' left wall came down in reaction to the overpowering numbers. Crumbling together underneath the zombie hooves, the brick and mortar melted into a paste of whipped cream.
The crusaders were forced to abandon their own positions in order to quell the invading intruders converging on Cheerilee. The bucking, throwing and pushing eventually suppressed Cheerilee's raiders, just in time for every other wall to be annihilated. The tremendous collapsing of half the school barely drowned out the anxious moans of the zombies.
Backing up to the rest of the cowering children, the crusaders and Cheerilee hit the final standing wall.
"Okay everypony, into the hall!" Cheerilee called out, and started to lead them to the main hall door.
Through there, she hoped, they could hide out in another classroom or make a sprint for Ponyville. The zombies had yet to uncover the main entrance, so far they had only opted to attack individual classrooms. It didn't look like they had much time, especially as the structure was apparently reinforced with dessert rather than cement.
Hastily opening the door and ushering in the children first, Cheerilee made her way into what was supposed to be the school hallway. Closing the door behind her, she turned to see a complete change of scenery.
"Well, this is... strange..." She muttered as the children wandered around the new room.
It was like an industrial sized garage, where the heaviest of heavy-duty carriages were made for shipping and transport. The massive openness only gave way to a ton of stacked metals, engineering equipment on scattered mobile toolboxes, and support pillars being raised high to the roof.
The polished black floor went on far longer than the school actually was, as well as the incredible height scaling the brick walls. To think this was behind them the entire time was insane, but then again, everything that happened today was pretty unusual.
Blow-torches, monkey wrenches, and dangling lights didn't help make this any safer for the children to be deviating through, but Cheerilee was far too occupied in staring at the slowly lowering leviathan of a carriage.
Hanging by metal chains thicker than herself, Cheerilee gawked at the armoured yellow school-carriage. Gleaming steel plated sides, chain-link fence windows, a snow-plough for a front bumper, and a barbed wire covered roof. A mobile bunker of safety, the carriage's military-style accessories only made it more appealing in a zombie apocalypse.
Perhaps what made the monster most intimidating though was it's wheels, or lack thereof. There were only two either side, supporting the entire thing, encompassed by a rolling caterpillar track of metal.
The others must have caught on to what Cheerilee was staring at, as now the entire class was looking upwards at the behemoth. Watching in silence, it dropped the rest of the short way, it's impact still managing to reverberate through the ground.
"What IS that?" Applebloom asked nopony in particular, circling and inspecting it.
"It looks like the old school carriage has got a few modifications..." Cheerilee said.
"I'll say," Scootaloo said as she pounced onto one of the giant tracks.
"Get down from there!" Cheerilee warned, "We have no idea what it could do!"
"What's the worst that could happen?" Scootaloo asked, leaning on it's ice-cold armour.
The mechanical beast roared, coming to life and echoing throughout the room. Scootaloo jumped off in fear as it began a steady, low chugging sound. Unexpectedly, it didn't move or attack them, it sat patiently, thudding regularly as the machinery inside ached for freedom.
"What is it? What is it doing?!" Scootaloo asked frantically.
After a moment of thought, Cheerilee smiled. "Ah, it's motorized!" The children stared at her dumbfounded as she approached it. "Just like Flim and Flam's contraption." Except this would probably win in a game of chicken.
The door behind them fell, letting in the swarm of zombies. They filled the room almost instantly, and this time, were accompanied by several other monstrosities. They were green cuboids with angry faces, walking on small, square feet.
"Oh yeah," Sweetie Belle said. "I forgot we were being chased."
"Everyone on the bus?" Scootaloo asked, secretly hoping they would be able to ride it, providing it was safe.
"We don't have much of a choice," Cheerilee said, and began helping the children up and into the armoured colossus.
"Yes! I call driver!" Scootaloo yelled, scrambling into the machine.
"What exactly would make you qualified for that, Scootaloo?" Cheerilee asked, amused.
"I can ride a scooter pretty well..."
With not much experience otherwise, this was the closest they could possibly get. "....Fair enough."
Climbing the dangerous equipment, and through the more-or-less normal doors, Cheerilee's class found their way inside the carriage. The interior appeared average, no deadly spikes or rusting metal, just a bunch of seats in which the dozen fillies and colts could take their place on.
The step-shuffling ghouls had reached the carriage, but were rendered useless, unable to climb the metal tracks or figure out the door mechanism that Scootaloo had closed. It didn't stop them from scratching, and even chewing, at the yellow titan though. Knocking at the chain-enforced windows, the zombies looked as though they were pouting to the children inside, who were happily mocking their failure.
The green cuboids had different plans however, self-destructing right next to the machine. It's armour held fine though, and the only damage was done to the surrounding zombies.
As she sat just behind the driver seat, Cheerilee had to wonder why she was currently letting Scootaloo do this. Surely, being taller gave her an advantage, and didn't Scootaloo have a history of ending up covered in tree sap when on the road? It must of been something in the air that allowed it to pass her mind freely. Lying back against the cushy chair, Cheerilee relaxed as Scootaloo's friends came to help.
"Okay, let's see what we got here," Scootaloo said, admiring the complex dashboard of buttons and a single, huge driving wheel.
"Boop," Sweetie Belle said as she pressed a random button. In front of them now appeared the wind-shield wipers, gently pushing away the zombies trying to scratch their way inside. "Well, it kinda helped." Pushing another random button lead to two large fuzzy purple dice dropping from above, a refreshing scent wafting from them.
Applebloom was first to spot the two pedals underneath, they had an incredibly simple design, almost like they were created for fillies. One was labelled 'go', and another, 'less go'.
"Scoots, I found the driving thing!" Applebloom said, and pointed her orange friend below.
Scootaloo took notice and tried to reach her small leg to the accelerate pad, but the drivers seat she was on had raised her far too high to be able to even touch it.
"Can't reach, you'll have to do it. I'll steer, you drive, and Sweetie Belle..." She looked to her white friend, currently possessed to find out each and every function on the dashboard. "See if this thing's got any tunes!"
They all gave a salute before going to their posts. Before Applebloom could even crouch down to drive, Sweetie Belle pressed a button which abruptly disengaged the snow-plough connecting to the bumper and flung it into the wall ahead of them. Smashing through the concrete wall, and taking quite a few zombies with it, a perfect escape was made for them.
Finally on the move, the rumbling tank growled as the tracks began turning. A massive collection of smoke fired from the back and circulated through the garage before turning to frogs and hopping away. So it ran on frogs. Or something.
It gradually increased it's pace, clearing the wall like it was made of cards, which the structure suddenly became before toppling. On the free road, there was either the route to Canterlot, or Ponyville. Not needing to think twice, Scootaloo shifted it's direction to Ponyville.
Taking up the entire road, it rolled ominously into what must of been the centre of attention. It always was. Still, if anyone could fix whatever had happened, it would be the elements.
"Scootaloo! Your cutie mark's appeared!" Sweetie Belle yelled unexpectedly, prompting her to immediately look for it. It wasn't as if the tank would run off the road straight away, so she had time to admire her talent of being...
"A chicken?! What kinda dumb cutie mark is that?" Scootaloo complained angrily, looking at the white bird on her flank.
"Maybe you're 'sposed to be a chicken farmer," Applebloom suggested, coming up from the pedals as the vehicle went down a small inclination on the hill.
"That's stupid! Why would I get it now if I haven't been anywhere near a chicken?"
"I wouldn't trust anything that happens here, girls," Cheerilee interrupted, tiredly examining the outside world in all of it's deranged glory. "It's probably just a temporary fake."
"It better be," Scootaloo scowled. Before she put her eye back on the wheel, she double-took and saw that Sweetie's was in the process of appearing. "Here comes yours, Sweetie Belle," She informed, disinterested and annoyed at hers. Not even magical chaos would give her a break.
They crowded around Sweetie Belle as the sparks faded, revealing quite a complex cutie mark.
"Is that..." Scootaloo started, the interest returning and a general amazement about her face.
"It looks like a..." Applebloom tried to find the appropriate words.
"A raptor riding on jet-skis while juggling chainsaws and shooting lasers out of it's eyes...?" Sweetie Belle concluded.
"Okay, temporary or not, that's pretty cool," Scootaloo said. "Better than a chicken anyway," She muttered to herself before going back to the wheel.
Sweetie Belle started deciding between buttons one more, as Applebloom was left waiting for her temporary mark to show up. Nothing was showing, but judging by the others, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing.
A big red button that was pressed seemed to dispense custard from the barbed-wired roof. Suddenly it wasn't all that intimidating anymore. Sprinkling the thick, yellow liquid across the road to Ponyville, beware: the custard cavalry was inbound.
Coming off the slope and into town, they could now see the town square with it's illogical defenses. Beneath the tough tracks was an attempt at a minefield, small explosions failing to even scratch the paint as they continued on.
And, unless the objective for the mutant mushrooms ahead was to be crushed, they failed at impeding the crusader's progress. In fact, a certain red one only acted to increase their overall size, the tank expanding outwards and claiming more land.
"Well, I'll say this is certainly performing above expectations," A male voice said. The three crusaders looked at each other to try and determine the source of the voice, and only after looking at Applebloom could they find it.
"What?" Applebloom asked, slightly worried. "Is there something on me?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle turned to each other and back to her.
"Yes." They both said simply.
Examining her flank, Applebloom found both her cutie mark and the source of the voice. A sly-looking creature was indented as her cutie mark, walking about his new home freely.
"Hey, he looks like the spirit of disharmony statue we saw at the gardens!" Sweetie Belle said.
Cheerilee watched on from the back in silence, the pressure of this was overwhelming. First fighting off birds, then zombies, hijacking... something, and crushing everything in it's path. It was best to just sit this one out.
"Clever, clever girl," The draconequues clapped. "Discord, at my own service." He walked around Applebloom's body in his miniature form. "How do you like my invention? I call it the Discordmobile... or Betsy. One of those. It's still in the trial run, but boy have you been putting it through it's paces!"
"Demolishing your school, defeating all those zombies, scaring the few sane ponies away from Ponyville with it. You three would make great little agents of chaos, I'm just throwing it out there. I'll let you think about that while you're busy crashing."
Snapping his fingers, he disappeared as the crusaders looked up to see a building directly ahead of them. Holding out their hooves in a pointless attempt to stop the thunderous force, they screamed as yet another wall was vaporised. At least this didn't turn into cards.
The wall fell into crumbling debris and clouds of smoke spread out around them as the Discordmobile stopped. Staggering to their hooves, the crusaders groaned as the excitement of driving this thing seemed to be wearing off. Pressing the wind-shield wiper button, Sweetie Belle wiped away the matted window smoke.
The protective glass cleared, revealing that same cocky creature getting a manicure from two spa workers. Lying down in a comfortable massage chair, he was grinning to himself as the crusaders announced their arrival. At least the workers had the decency to be shocked at the sudden destruction of their business.
The blue and pink mares uneasily restarted grinding down Discord's claws with a pair buzzsaws as he spoke to the crusaders.
"Ah, finally. I've got to tell you, I'm not one for doing anything at all for incredibly long periods of time..." He paused, reflecting on the darker, previous few thousand years of his life. "But treatment like this would make it bearable indeed."
The crusaders just watched awkwardly as the draconequues revelled in his relaxation.
"Oh. Right. Chaos. Well, if you turn around my three little fillies, you may notice a distinct lack of classmates and/or teacher."
They turned around carefully and, sure enough, they were nowhere to be seen. Unless there was some hidden emergency exit at the back, it would be impossible to escape. They had no words to say, the absurdness of everything going on around them now affecting their state of mind.
"Don't worry, they'll be fine. Probably." He was suddenly sidetracked as the blue mare on his right side finished polishing his nails. "Lotus, would you be so kind as to give my face a waxing?"
"...You want me to... wax... your face?" She asked, confused.
"If it's not too much trouble."
Accepting the strange order, she briefly went into a case of supplies and retrieved the waxing strips. Everypony watched in silence and utter confusion, unable to say or do much else.
Placing the strip vertically across his face, Lotus looked to her partner for confirmation. The pink mare shrugged, unable to comprehend anything at all.
Swiftly ripping it from him, embedded on the was strip was his face. His eyeless, toothless, nose-less head moved as the waxing strip spoke, handling his facial expressions. Lotus held it away from her as it dangled in mid-air.
"Ouch, they don't lie, that does sting!"
The others watched his faceless head in fear as it moved. It was like something out of a horror movie, you wouldn't want that chasing you in a dark forest.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" The strip smirked before breaking out laughing. "Haha, oh, I kill me." Seeing that the others didn't seem to find it so funny, he moved on. "Gee, it's the usual crowd. No sense of humour," He sighed.
"Let's get on with it then, I suppose. I'm kidnapping you."
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"Cheerilee's was the only one left, bunkered down from the suicidal bomber birds."
"suicidal bomber birds"
"birds"
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ipjrn7791r3eyr4o1_400.gif
In all seriousness though, Sweetie's cutie mark was where I completely lost it. I'm so happy this updated!~
I love the beginning reference to Alfred Hitchocks "The Birds"
The green cuboids had different plans however, self-destructing right next to the machine. Yay for creepers, Gavin would be proud.
Then Mario with the Mushrooms.
OMG I LOVED THIS, please sir, may I have another?
My day just became funny
Gotta love the references. And ouch, doesn't Cheerilee know - *that name* - is cursed?
Also, thanks for the Whooves in the pets chapter. Was awesome.
i was having a crappy day but then i read this story........not gonna lie one the funniest stories i've read and thanks to my experiences in the past (FLCL) i'm starting to see a real plot this is gonna be good
Angry Birds. As in the ones that launch at green pigs.
Come on people, get with it!
Nice job so far.
hahaha, this story is brilliant!
And someone seriously needs to draw a picture of Sweetie Belle's epic cutie mark.
References, references everywhere. There's one you guys have yet to acknowledge, a certain one involving Discord. Maybe to do with the zombies and his stunning attire. For the gamers out there...
1072396
Jumangi reference.
1075290
Your never-ending supply of gifs amazes me. One for every situation. Thank you!
1075850
YES! I'm thrilled you picked up on that! I had no idea whether I made The Bird's reference too subtle or not, but as long as you got it...
1075897>>1076293
I'm glad this could have such an impact! Thanks!
1077361
Gracias!
Running out of references, but yep, that was another one.
1076276
Had to jam him in somehow! Thanka-yew!
1077755
Well, this chapter has been a roaring success!
So glad you all enjoyed it!
ARRRRG FLIM AND FLAM WERE AFTER DISCORD ARRRRRG
Still a good story.
What? The CMC get to be kidnapped by Discord?!
I'm so jealous!!!!!
1079291
But thank you! 
assets.diylol.com/hfs/c5c/f28/c49/resized/pinkie-pie-shrug-meme-generator-screw-timelines-i-m-pinkie-pie-d701f1.jpg
Sorry, but Flim and Flam are totally showing up as well!
1079398
I'm trying to think of some way to make it up to you, but my mind is full of chaos.
Oh my
just...just
More please?
1079624 You should do an epic crossover story where Discord defeats the Mane Six And, as her last resort, Princess Celestia calls in the services of the......ANIMANIACS!!!!!
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot vs. Discord for the Fate of Equestria!
....IF it even survives the Chaos from it, that is!
If someone can pull it off, it would be YOU!!!
as soon as i realised the mushrooms were mario mushrooms i instantly heard the mario music
I think Discord's chaotic ambitions may bet the better of him at some point...
(After the CMC destroy Discordville with the tank...)
Not one of my better ideas...
Discord: Letting elementary-school foals operate a vehicle of mass destruction...
(Is blown to smithereens.)
I also love the references.
And as for Cheerilee knowing about the FlimFlam brothers before they showed up...
DISCORD HAS CORRUPTED THE VERY FABRIC OF TIME ITSELF!
Angry birds.
Red angry birds.
RED.
angrybirds-online.info/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/AngryRedBird.png
Fourth wall breakages. Fourth wall breakages everywhere
This is so Awesome and has no logic.
Can some one draw the discordmobile and sweeties CM? Rewards of a vast bounty will be rewarded to one who can
1144873 Not to mention zombies,creepers, and Mario mushrooms.