While the mane six were off defeating Discord, what did the other inhabitants of Equestria get up to?
While the mane six were off saving Equestria from Discord's reign of chaos, how did the other ponies fair? What were the other various trials of chaos that our everyday ponies went through?
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A collection of discorded shorts involving your favourite minor/background characters! Octavia & Vinyl, Ponyville Elementary, the Canterlot sophisticates, the antagonists and lots more. Suggest any others which you think I'll miss out! Feedback is encouraged! The amazingly kick-ass and appropriate image was stolen without permission from here and I am feeling guilty for only linking in the source up to now.
"Lyra! It's almost ready!" Bon-Bon shouted up the stairs. It was time for the weekly trials of her new recipes for cakes and pastries. Lyra was always eager to test them out, and a thump could be heard coming from up the stairs, signifying so.
Bon-Bon was moving in and out of the different rooms of their house, gathering up the bits of equipment used in the baking process that had somehow managed to end up in the living room. It was another lazy day for the both of them, and Lyra would be content sleeping were it not for the smells of the cooking below.
The mint-green unicorn groggily made her way down the mahogany steps, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with one hoof as she attempted to reconstruct her messy mane with another.
"Were you just asleep?" Bon-Bon asked, surprised. She probably should have been used to it by now.
"Um..." Lyra looked around for a clock, but none were currently visible from the stairway. "Yeah, why?"
"It's noon. You were upstairs for twelve minutes."
"Alright! Power nap!" Lyra grinned to herself, but Bon-Bon was more annoyed at her lack of productiveness. Lyra chose to avoid any confrontation. "Anyway, what're you baking today?"
Bon-Bon immediately forgot her displeasure with the chance to gush about her latest works. "It's kind of like a platter of things. We have some cupcake-sized soufflés, a set of banana-flavoured croissants, a huge éclair which I'll need help lifting out the oven, and other bits of good stuff."
"Sounds great," Lyra said as she stopped salivating, and then came to a realization. "Bagsie not cleaning up!" She inwardly patted herself on the back for remembering.
Bon-Bon quickly replied however, keen to make sure Lyra didn't get out of another washing duty. "No! You promised! I've done it the past..." She thought to herself. "...Three times now!"
"Five, actually," Lyra corrected.
"Exactly! You eat all this stuff, you're cleaning it up."
"But..." Lyra thought about the stacks of dangerous kitchen equipment that Bon-Bon would be willing to attack her with, and how easily the pleading look in her eyes could turn to one of insanity. "Eh... fine. You're lucky I'm so generous."
"And you're lucky I'm not stabbing you with this whisk,"
"Pfft, I'd like to see you try!"
Bon-Bon turned her attention from the now-washed mixing whisk, and back to Lyra with an evil glint in her eye. "Challenge accepted." She dipped the utensil in a bowl of excess cake mixture, weaponizing the once-innocent tool, and walked ominously towards Lyra.
Lyra backed slowly away from the demented mare who raising the whisk at her. It was Lyra's job to keep the house messy, and this was a big threat to that position. It was her who started the food fights, and now Bon-Bon was finally getting her revenge.
"Bon, put down the whisk..." She warned calmly. Bon-Bon refused, just shuffling closer and closer like a zombie-pony, tilting her head to the side to complete the horrific image.
Then Lyra noticed something. "Erm, Bon-Bon? There's something behind you."
"Nice try. Like it or not, you're getting creamed."
"Oh, please! That's the oldest trick in the book!"
"GIANT DESSERT MONSTER!"
"Huh-?" Bon-Bon was flattened by the enormous éclair that had emerged from the oven. Lyra watched in a mix of fear and wonder as it wormed it's way along the ground, slowly consuming the baker in it's chocolatey goodness. While her hooves were still extended to freedom, however, Lyra shot to them and dragged her out.
"AH! WHAT THE HAY IS THAT?!" Bon-Bon screamed, drenched in the brown liquid.
"You tell me! You made it!"
The gross gurgling noises that emitted from the monster seemed to call upon it's allies. Bon-Bon's other creations sprouted up from the baking trays that were left on the sides. A miniature battalion of cupcakes began marching closer, protecting their chocolate emperor. Alongside them came the croissants, mounting the big boss.
"Wow, Bon-Bon, you've got skills."
"I didn't plan on making that!"
The kitchen was now full of living foodstuffs, slogging their mushy, mutated limbs towards the two confused ponies. It was hard to be frightened of a pastry, but after nearly being swallowed by one, Bon-Bon wasn't all that enthusiastic about getting close.
The two ponies backed into the living room: the door to escape next to the kitchen was now blocked off. Bon-Bon fruitlessly threw a pillow at the behemoth, to which it simply absorbed into it's mass.
"Don't feed it more!" Lyra yelled, and frantically scanned the room for help. "We can escape through the window! Somepony else is bound to be able to help!"
Lyra scrambled to the window and opened it, but then peered outside and returned with a stunned face.
"What's wrong?" Bon-Bon asked, nonchalantly bombarding the monster, still, with anything she could find.
"Well... we're floating." Lyra took another peek. "And so is Berry's house, and several others."
"Huh," Bon-Bon said simply. She then exploded with, "WHAT?!" Charging at the windows herself, it was confirmed that Lyra wasn't on hallucinogens. Below them was the rest of Ponyville, distorted by havoc sweeping every street. Freaky animals, crazily tiled grass... and now it was raining chocolate.
"WHAT YEAR IS IT?!" Lyra shouted, a sudden fake beard appearing on her chin. Bon-Bon slapped it off and looked at her flatly.
"Now is not the time. We need to get out of here!" Fortunately for them, over-sized éclairs weren't the fastest creatures, but it's cupcake brethren soon realised this also. A swarm of cupcakes on legs rushed the ponies, climbing and enveloping them in sugary sweet suffocation.
They were no match for Bon-Bon's hoof, however, nor Lyra's mouth, as one by one the cupcakes were defeated and pushed back into a retreat. Or in Lyra's case, her stomach. The croissants seemed deterred by this, sticking with their master that was struggling to fit through the doorway.
"Lyra, did you just eat them?" Bon-Bon asked with a disgusted curiosity, wiping the crumbs from her hoof. Lyra was too busy chewing, but just nodded happily in reply. "Right, not creepy in the slightest. Anyway, we need to lower ourselves down somehow, it's not that far."
"Not that far, eh?" Lyra raised an eyebrow and her horn began glowing, a mischievous smirk on her face. "I have the best plan ever."
A few seconds later the two ponies were falling from the smashed window, before face-planting the black and white checkered floor. They both lay there for some time, recovering from the effects of Lyra's genius.
"I think there's a leaf in my eye," Bon-Bon said, muffled by the ground.
"Least you're not being eaten," Lyra said, getting up and dusting herself off.
As the two ponies slowly composed themselves, they took notice of the new Ponyville. Whereas some of the buildings and homes were floating, others were walking on two giant legs or upside down in the ground. There were random stampedes of bunnies with elongated legs and lava lamps that whizzed past their heads.
"How long was I asleep again?" Lyra wondered to herself.
"So... what do we do now?" Bon-Bon asked, in a stupor from the new town. "It looks like other ponies have bigger problems than us." She sighed, "I wonder what's wrong with Ponyville this time." Lyra and Bon-Bon had lived there long enough to be used to the daily occurrences of apocalyptic scenarios, but this was a special one.
"To adventure!" Lyra started running off in a random direction, to which Bon-Bon facehoofed and ran to catch up.
"Wait! Don't you think that's a bit dangerous?! We should call the guard or something!" Bon-Bon pleaded, and Lyra stopped to give some consideration before her argument was de-bunked.
A squad of royal pegasus guards were barrel rolling through the sky, unable to stay in control of their wings. They bounced off the mixed buildings, damaging the golden passenger carriage as they went. They smashed through the town hall office and escaped with Mayor Mare, hanging onto their carriage for dear life.
"Or not. Right, carry on."
The couple resumed a charge through the maddening streets of Ponyville. Even Cloudsdale, it could be seen, was suffering from the effects of this berserk outbreak. The once-beautiful rainbow fountains now fired candy sprinkles across the land. Still beautiful in it's own way.
After a few minutes of avoiding the leapfrogging cacti and custard explosions, the two mares found themselves surrounded. On all sides of them there was something blocking an escape road. Whether it be a wall of cotton candy or a lamp-post resembling a silly straw, they were trapped.
It was then a figure emerged from the skies, being lowered down on a tornado of cider. The cider covered the surrounding houses with the properties of an acid, disintegrating and collapsing the structures on top of themselves. Once the tempest had dissipated, the figure could be identified.
Part goat, part dragon, part pony and just about everything else. A mix of scales, feathers and wings forming a hybrid creature. He cackled his way down and touched the checkered floor next to the terrified ponies, turning it to sponge.
"Haha! Oh, it's good to be king!" The maniacal monster laughed, and then took note of Lyra and Bon-Bon, staring up at him, jaws agape.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't..." He hovered over to the green unicorn and bonked her on the head with a finger, "Lyra and..." He did the same to the cream coloured mare, "Bon-Bon!"
They looked at each other worriedly.
"Welcome to New Discordia! I'll be your guide for the evening, Discord." He introduced himself with a bow and magically spawned a bouquet of flowers that turned into spiders.
"Evening? But it's-..." Bon-Bon was cut off when the sun suddenly fell and was replaced by the moon.
The two ponies and single draconequues floated above the new chaos-ridden streets of Ponyville, riding on a cloud shaped like a limousine. Discord was equipped with a chauffeur's uniform for this special occasion, holding a steering-wheel made of clouds in front of the two alarmed ponies sitting in the back.
Bon-Bon and Lyra were somehow stood atop the clouds despite not being pegasi themselves. Somehow, Lyra felt able to attempt to communicate with their mad abductor, contrary to her partner, who was busy trying to contain her breakfast due to the breakneck speeds they were travelling.
"Uh, Driver?"
"Yes, Madam?" He answered, rather relaxed.
"What the hay is going on?"
"Oh, nothing much. You just have the privilege of witnessing the rise of my empire, the fall of the princesses and some tasty destruction," He said with a wave of his hand.
Neither of the mares was able to form a response to this, instead choosing to stare over the city with blank faces.
"Oh, ok."
"VINYL! TURN IT DOWN!" Octavia screamed. Compared to the booming sub-woofer, her pitiful yelling proved no match for the stream of electronic wubs bombarding her. She was barely clinging onto the sofa as Vinyl's music blasted her eardrums and threatened to send her flying.
The only response she received from the white unicorn was a wider grin, and a hoof to her ear, gesturing to the lack of volume Octavia was producing. The falling décor and smashed ornaments suggested otherwise.
Octavia was able to grab a pillow and attempted to lob it at the assaulting unicorn. Unfortunately for her, the offending sound fired it straight back, hitting her in the face and causing her to lose grip of the sofa. She fell, hitting her back on the far house wall.
A few more seconds of this and Octavia was sure her head would explode. She didn't want to think about what the neighbours would do. Then again, they would probably be used to it. Luck did, however, bless her with access to her cello.
It too was stuck against the wall, along with the playing bow. Moving her hoof against the force of the sound, she reached over and picked both items up. All thirty minutes of her archery practise would now pay off.
Struggling valiantly against the music, she positioned her bow at a right-angle to her cello. She held it against the cello string as Vinyl's head came into aim. The pressure of the bow against string reached it's maximum, and Octavia propelled it's wooden body at the DJ.
A resounding 'bonk' halted the flow of dubstep as Vinyl collapsed to the ground, sliding the volume down with her. Her body fell behind the stacks of speakers and equipment encasing her.
"With any luck, you are seriously injured," Octavia said tiredly, but pleased none-the-less at the successful shot. There was a faint groan from behind the modern music equipment. Following that was a thread of incoherent mumbling.
Octavia trotted up to the sound system and peeked over, seeing the unicorn laying on her back, head spinning.
"Tavi, I think you gave me drain bamage," Vinyl said, only now rubbing the hit area of her forehead. The world was still a swirly haze for her, she was barely able to make out the features of Octavia's bemused face. Reaching a hoof out, she poked and prodded Octavia's face, still steadfast in it's position. She jabbed her nose, eyes and mouth, trying to squish her facial features into a more forgiving expression, but to no avail.
Bored with the pointless tampering her face was receiving, Octavia grabbed the frolicking hoof and helped Vinyl up. As she did, she also picked up her sturdy bow.
"Honestly, Vinyl, I have no idea how you expect any sort of collaboration project when you insist on deafening the audience with that."
"What? It's the perfect plan! You get the mood all smooth and mellow, then I'll blow up the room with 'that'."
"So your plan is to scare them into enjoying the piece? I somehow doubt that will be very effective."
"Whatever, we've got loads of time. And, y'know, you could have just told me to turn it down. You didn't need to give me a concussion."
"There's a fine line between need and want, Vinyl. Besides, it worked, did it not?"
"I'm pretty sure healthy relationships don't count on as much physical abuse that you inflict on me daily." Vinyl concluded, more to herself, but still audible enough to make Octavia laugh.
While Octavia got to work on cleaning up the battered trinkets and generally tidying up the scarred living room, Vinyl instead decided to head for the kitchen, before hearing the doorbell ring. Maybe this was the final, final notice for noise complaints. It was always fun to see their reactions, so she decided to take this one.
"I got it!" Vinyl walked past Octavia, tediously re-aligning her cello against the sofa, and into the main hall that lead to the front door and stairs. Upon arriving at the door, she took a glance through the spy-hole. Unable to see anything, completely blocked with whiteness, Vinyl shrugged and opened anyway.
A few moments passed, and Vinyl made no sound. Octavia called through to the front door, "Vinyl? Who is it, dear?"
Several hoofsteps sounded and Vinyl appeared in the doorway, a blank face and, after pulling down her goggles, a vacant look in her eyes.
"What's wrong, Vinyl? You look as though you've seen a ghost. And don't be rude, who is on the doorstep?"
"A... uh... well... you ever see those huge marshmallows Pinkie sells?"
"Don't remind me. You brought home dozens."
"Yeah, well I've brought home a few more, apparently."
Behind the DJ then slowly started filling with white sponginess. The walls, floors and framed pictures were devoured by the mysterious substance before it eventually came into view, standing right behind Vinyl. The gooey, monstrous maw of the over-sized marshmallow opened, revealing an empty chasm of darkness that was ready to devour the slowly-turning unicorn.
"Sweet Celestia! Vinyl! Run! Or jump! MOVE!" Octavia pleaded rapidly.
Only at the final command did Vinyl back-step away as the gaping mouth started chewing where she used to be. Behind the suckling monster came yet another whale of a marshmallow, struggling through the doorway side-by-side with it's partner.
"Ideas?" Vinyl wondered, but received a blank face and shrug from the usually formal cellist.
The two ponies backed away gently, hoping not to aggravate the things more. This was until Vinyl accidentally bumped into Octavia's cello.
"Hey! Careful! We may be about to be eaten but I could get that preserved for my funeral."
Vinyl's eyebrows suddenly raised in excitement, a wide smirk beginning to form. She floated over the heavy wooden instrument, and grasped it in a bat form with her hoofs.
"I have to do everything around here, don't I?" Still holding onto the cello, Vinyl stretched her arms and practised her swinging, much to Octavia's dread.
The earth pony stood, a mix of flaring anger and abysmal worry rising at the very suggestion her partner was about to do what she looked like doing.
"Vinyl, don't you dare do what you're thinking about doing," Octavia said, slowly, with a hint of insanity.
"What? Look how big it is! It'll be fine!" The marshmallows had almost squeezed through, and Vinyl double-took to see Octavia's, writhing angrily, face.
The slate earth pony trotted closer to the unicorn, and Vinyl instinctively flinched before anything had happened, clenching her eyes shut and hugging the instrument. Somehow, nothing had happened. When she opened her eyes, Octavia was not there.
Vinyl turned around at the sound of unplugged wires. With the intimidating look and strength of Horse Power, Octavia raised the colossal black sub-woofer over her head, breathing heavily.
"Holy Tartarus, Tavi, put it down!" Vinyl begged
"Put down the cello!"
"But they're getting closer!"
"Well, since you're insisting on using weapons I have mine picked out! A dumb, obnoxiously loud, bass blaster!"
Vinyl was taken back by the insulting comments made about her pride and joy, "Then I have mine! A snobby, ancient, over-sized violin!"
The monsters both jammed through the doorway, targeting a pony each, separated by the coffee table. "IT'S A DAMN CELLO!" Octavia screamed as she brought down the sub-woofer onto her marshmallow. With a squelch, part of the intruder became indented into the floor, losing a fifth of it's face. Wherever it's face was.
Seeing her best friend, the sub-woofer, being used so violently sparked Vinyl into doing the same. Vinyl swung the club-shaped instrument at the mouth of her attacker, taking off a few of it's glutinous teeth and pulverising a section of it's face. She took another shot, slicing straight downwards on top of it and splitting it into two.
"Woops," She muttered, and proceeded to take out the new one that had emerged.
Octavia, like Vinyl, was taking out the anger at each other in a similar way. Tenderizing the marshmallow into the ground, a white coating was forming over the bass box. The adrenaline coursing through them both was the only thing that allowed them to use each other's massive musical weapons.
Eventually, the remains of the marshmallows were paste, glued to the floor and the weapons. Exasperated, Octavia placed down the sub-woofer and sat on in, finally able to catch her breath. Exhausted, Vinyl did the same, but instead choosing to collapse on the ground, panting.
"Tavi? You don't think it's really a dumb instrument, do you?" Vinyl asked tiredly.
"No... it is loud, though," Octavia said. "Did you seriously think it was a violin the whole time?"
"Nah, it's a contrabass or something, right?"
Octavia gave her a cold stare perched atop the sub-woofer.
"Kidding! Cello, yeah, yeah..."
Octavia stared sadly at her war-torn cello. Surprisingly, both instruments faired well against their sticky combatants. Although there were fragments of the monster lodged in-between the strings and covering the cello, it was relatively unscathed. While Vinyl's sub-woofer had chunks on top, but not in the main speaker; it would be much easier to clean.
"Do you think that contents insurance covers being mauled by marshmallows?" Octavia wondered.
"Depends where you got the insurance from. Pinkie? Then probably."
After a moment of catching their breath, the two ponies stood up and examined the room. The walls had been layered in a white coating, just like their instruments, part of the coffee table had been eaten, and Octavia was glued to the floor with the marshmallow's remains.
Vinyl extracted her hoof with her magic and tasted part of the substance hovering in the air. "Hmm, not bad."
"You are repulsive."
"Well, sor-ry, go ahead and give it it's last rites before I devour it. Or maybe you want to conduct it's funeral? It's a marshmallow, Tavi." She put the blob of goop in her mouth and chewed, mouth wide-open.
"You're still gross."
Vinyl responded, mouth still full of marshmallow, slurring her words, "Maybe we should tell somepony what just went down. I somehow don't think this is a natural occurrence."
Silently agreeing, Octavia headed for the door. They tried to avoid stepping in the trails of marshmallow lining the floors, but it proved impossible as they got closer to the door. At last they reached the already-open entrance and stepped outside into the new Ponyville.
"Oh, Celestia, never a average day, is it? Just once I'd like to have some normality in this town," Octavia sighed.
"I dunno, the giant bear was pretty cool."
Though the marshmallows had partly de-sensitized them to the new reality they were facing, it still did not prepare them for what was ahead. A mish-mash of oddly shaped buildings, swarms of mutated animals, more over-sized nonsense, crazy weather problems and multi-coloured horizons.
"Hey, at least the sun is..."
Vinyl was halted as the sun and it's warmth vanished from sight, replaced instantaneously by the vibrant moon and cold night sky.
"That can not be good for my eyes," Octavia said as she rubbed them, annoyed.
"You need some goggles! Some sleek black ones would look great on you!"
"I think I'll pass, I need to be able to see the notes I play."
The couple looked around the chaos-scorched earth, for what, they were unsure. Maybe a sign of somepony else to help them. Then again, they couldn't be the only ones undergoing such things. They trotted off in a random direction, timing it so that they missed the barrage of cheese wheels driving around town in a line formation.
As they walked, behind Octavia, something caught Vinyl's goggled eye. "Hey, Tavi, your flank is awesome."
Vinyl's poor choice of words made Octavia look back with a raised eyebrow.
"It's hardly the time for-..." She cut herself off when she noticed her treble clef cutie mark racing around her body, around and down her legs and back up. "Oh, my... get it off!"
"I'll get the cello again," Vinyl joked, but then was stopped by Octavia's hoof. The grey pony then pointed to the unicorn's own flank. Sure enough, Vinyl's own black double note was mirroring Octavia's. They went at frantic speeds, hitting every position of the two ponies' bodies, even at one point managing to be on Vinyl's forehead.
While Vinyl was too caught up in amusement, trying to catch her cutie mark like a cat on a mouse, Octavia was hoofing at her coat, following the cutie mark and even trying to gnaw it off. It was a fruitless effort though, cutie marks were naturally a mysterious thing, so moving ones proved even less likely to be understandable.
Some time later, they gave up, standing still as the marks whizzed around their bodies.
"Tavi, your ampersand's on your tail," Vinyl pointed out.
"Ampersand?! Why would my mark represent another symbol for 'and'?"
"You mean it's not?! I always thought it was because you never stop talking."
A second later, Vinyl was face-first in the now-green sand after receiving a blow to the back of the head. Vinyl spoke through a mouthful of candy-like tasting sand.
"Worth it." She spat out some of the more expired grains and got back to her hoofs, rubbing the back of her head. "You sure you weren't ever a boxer? Ow. You're so easy to rile up!"
Vinyl went for a playful nudge into Octavia's side, but that could always be considered a threat. She instead arced her hoof and pretended nothing happened.
A brief awkward silence later, Vinyl took a hoof-full of green ground-candy and offered it to Octavia.
"Want some sand?"
Octavia gently and slowly slapped it out of her hoof, confused on what path to next take or generally what to say.
"Could of just said no."
Then, to add to the mix of bewilderment, a flying cloud open-top limousine flew down and pulled up next to them. On board were two friendly faces being driven around by a hybrid dragon-goat-pony thing wearing a fancy driver's uniform.
The mint-green unicorn mare, Lyra, was sitting in her signature pose, enjoying the comfy texture of the clouds she was sitting on. Meanwhile her partner, Bon-Bon, was resting her bored-looking head on her hoof closest to them. Upon noticing the two new ponies, Bon-Bon perked up and told Lyra.
"Vinyl! Sup?" Lyra waved a hoof at her counter-part from the limousine, while both Octavia and Bon-Bon were mentally face-hoofing as Vinyl jumped in the limo and hoof-pumped the green unicorn.
"Lyra! What's happenin'? The white unicorn asked happily, choosing to ignore the messed up creature driving, who had yet to look back at them.
As the two unicorns chatted, Bon-Bon and Octavia were left rolling their eyes.
"Loud and annoying," The dark-maned pony replied, to which they both laughed.
"Octavia? You've got something on your face," Bon-Bon pointed out. The cutie mark had come to rest over her nose, finally pausing for breath.
"Oh, yeah, cutie marks. I honestly have no idea. Try to ignore it, maybe it will go away," Octavia said. "So would you happen to know what is going on here?"
"Hop in, I guess, we'll explain on the way to wherever we're going."
"So... Discord, by any chance will you be letting us go soon?" Octavia asked.
"My dear, you came aboard willingly, so I'd prefer not to think of this as a kidnapping. We do have a destination though, so sit tight!"
The flying limousine switched to full gear and repeatedly smashed through the many obscuring clouds that got in the insane driver's way. While Vinyl and Lyra whooped and hollered their way through the skies, Octavia sat back and sighed.
"Discord, you are the best thing to come to Ponyville since bass!" Vinyl shouted over the wind resistance, blowing her hair back and providing a use for her goggles. She was stood up in the seat, receiving the full force of the wind, resembling her style of music.
"Please, you give me too little credit!" He replied normally. Somehow, his voice managed to keep in his charm over the flock of turbulent winds assaulting them. "Hmm, bass... now there's an idea..." Discord clicked his fingers, and a thunderous boom of music shot out from the sky. A moment later, and another shockwave of deafening music blasted from the pink clouds.
Vinyl barely flinched from the racket, accustomed to such noise, but instead cheered, "BASS THUNDER! AWESOME!"
Octavia rubbed her eyes with her hoof and gave her ear a knock, testing if she could still hear. Good enough, considering she lived with such noise on a regular basis.
Bon-Bon looked down to the havoc-filled streets of Ponyville. Some of the houses sprouted angelic, white wings and began to fly past the passenger ponies. No one seemed to take notice. The constant sun/moon rotation had stopped at least: it must have took a lot of magic to keep that running. The river that ran through Ponyville had turned from a shimmering blue to a dense, green goop, it's fish beginning to mutate into sea-ponies.
Discord's hoof elasticated and stretched over to Bon-Bon, tapping her on the shoulder. "Now, now, don't take in too much. There's plenty more to see. Next stop: Canterlot!" He magically appeared a pair of sunglasses on everypony, and the sun started shooting fireballs.
Opalescence purred softly in her sleep, another soothing day in which nothing disturbed her. Even Rarity had somehow managed to avoid lecturing her on the importance of real baths and not self-made ones. The quiet, rhythmic ticking of the clock did nothing to energize her more into getting up, but that was fine.
Her eyes briefly opened, scanning the surroundings of Rarity's boutique. Everything was as it should be, the neatly stacked fabrics, scattered mannequins and cosy purple wallpaper and flooring. If there was one thing Opal couldn't criticize about Rarity, it was her taste. Opal was currently snoozing on one of the mannequins already set up with some comfortable outfit. A little cat hair never hurt anypony.
Closing her eyes once more, she drifted back to sleep.
The devastating crash of a flaming meteor woke Opal from her second short respite. The roof of the pummelled boutique crumbled with the gaping hole that the giant rock brought. The flames immediately dissipated, followed by the rock dissolving, leaving behind the debris of the structure only. Everything resumed as it was before, quietness.
Opal looked at the wreckage from her position perched on the mannequin with distaste. She was relatively unmoved by the whole situation. There wasn't alot she could do about it, Rarity would be down the stairs any second to investigate.
Any second now...
Nothing. Either her owner was unconscious, or out. Opal decided that, providing the meteor hadn't hit Rarity herself, it would be best to at least investigate outside. Sooner or later, her owner would return, and most likely pin the blame for the carnage on her.
Daintily hopping from the mannequin, she carefully tip-toed around the bits of dislodged wood, strolling into the large crater in the ground. Looking into the sky through the gap, she saw sets of pink clouds flying past. Opal didn't really understand much of pegasi customs, nor did she care, but something was definitely amiss when they started pouring down with chocolate.
She leapt out of the way of it, refusing to have her gleaming white coat ruined. It fell into the crater and formed a pool, waves resonating in the circle. Normally, Opal would never be seen sampling such a horrid liquid found on the floor, it was most unbecoming for a cat of her class. Then again, this was certainly not 'normal'.
It was still milk, tasting and textured, but with a sweeter flavour to it. Thankfully nopony was around to see her indulge in such a foul behaviour, there was probably still bits of wood at the bottom. Admittedly, it was nice.
A sudden splashed wave of the brown liquid drenched Opal in sticky sweetness, matting her fur and darkening her coat. Opal glared at the cheeky object that caused such an abusive feat. A shelled, green sphere with lighter toned green blobs decorating it. Upon determining who exactly it was, Opal lashed out with a claw to show her annoyance. As expected, it barely scratched the tough surface, but it did send the shell spinning in the pool. The spin made it lose all balance, flipping it upside down.
After it had ceased spinning, Tank slowly poked his head out of the shell, offering an apologetic, upside-down smile at the cat. Floating about the pool were chunks of Tank's flying gear, the rotors clogged with cotton candy. While she was still slightly peeved at the offending tortoise, she pushed over his shell, allowing him to resume his normal position.
They looked at each other, and then to the sky, in a mutual feeling of confusion. If Tank could shrug, he would, leaving Opal to do it herself. Tank indicated his head towards the door. An interest in the current Ponyville events and desire to escape Rarity's accusing clutches lead her to follow him towards the cat flap.
She then realised, however, the average speed of a tortoise. Deciding it would take approximately a few years to just reach the door, she scooped him up on her back. What Tank lacked in mobility, he more than made up for in armour. The weight of his shell was easily enough to put a strain on the feline.
They both ducked under the cat flap and entered the new Ponyville. It seemed strange how mere moments ago Opal was falling asleep to gentle sounds when out here was populated with screaming ponies, parasprites sneezing bottle-caps and bushes growing apple pies. At least that tree Opal kept getting stuck in was gradually disappearing- it was drilling itself underground.
The sky was filled with Luna's stars even as the sun was out; the horizon ahead a pinkish green. Opal turned back to Tank, a blank face on both of them.
She continued on, even as the path turned to cobwebs, sticking to her paws. The few ponies they saw attempting to escape the madness paid no mind to the tortoise and cat, cruising through the distorted town. Everypony must have been hiding in their homes, for what good that gave them- many were upside down or floating into the air.
A cluster of corncobs darted past Opal's whiskers, and impacted the side of somepony's house near her before exploding. The wall of the beige house collapsed, revealing an irritated-looking earth pony stallion, slightly charred by black smoke. He had a brown coat and mane, temporarily leaving the exposed room and returning with a screwdriver in his mouth.
"Always when I'm relaxing," He sighed to himself, muffled by the object. He trotted up to a random still-standing wall of his house and pressed against it. As he did, certain tiles highlighted, and the wall slid open to reveal a blue 'police box'. He stepped into the nestled object, and a series of flashes later, disappeared along with it.
Ignoring it, they continued. Not like it was the craziest thing that had happened recently.
Tank's head bonked against the back of Opal's, and as she turned to frown at him, he pointed it towards the sky. Above was Owlowiscious, maneuvering in the air, escaping a fleet of chasing parasprites. These ones, however, were a metallic silver- they were bullets dotting the green sky. They were kept afloat by mini-propellers extending from their tops, like Tank's, but smaller.
The mechanical monsters had a knack for exploding into a flurry of custard, their remains raining down and pattering the floor around Opal. Owlowiscious spotted the grounded duo, and set about leading the parasprites towards them. The half-dozen of them plunged from the sky, diving at the owl and, consequently, Opal and Tank.
As Owlowiscious reached them, he changed angle and shot over and above their heads. With little time to think, Opal chose the way of the pony, bucking Tank over her head at the incoming parasprites. He sharply receded into his shell before it pounded the attackers, crushing the mechanical bits and spreading their tasty insides over his shell, re-painting it yellow.
Opal smirked to herself as the entrails missed her completely, shielded by Tank. He was going to be mad, but there was no real way to tell with a tortoise. Maybe a slow chagrin. It would help if he had eyebrows.
He landed on the right side of his shell though, and emerged not far away from her. Owlowiscious flew beside her, pleased to have the robots off his back, but puzzled all the same.
"Who?"
That was an interesting question. Who was behind this? It was a bit larger on the scale of crazy things to happen to Ponyville than usual.
Opal checked up on Tank after her well-coordinated response to the attack. While stickier, and yellow, he was okay. He shook his head at her lethargically, his one sign of disapproval. Opal slyly grinned, and once more got the tortoise on her back. Either way, today seemed it was going to end with her taking a bath.
The three pets continued a trek through Ponyville, no goal in sight and no questions being answered. Tornadoes spitting peanuts could be seen on the outskirts of the town, travelling through the hills and salting them. It seemed like it would be a fruitless effort attempting to convince Rarity that the boutique wasn't destroyed by her, with meteors and peanuts being her only excuse. That, and she couldn't talk. That was pretty important.
They were getting nowhere fast, everywhere were yet more examples of chaos but less examples of ponies they knew. They had reached town square, where the water fountain stood spraying marbles into the pool.
There was a rumbling, the earth vibrating in suspense. It rose in volume and effect as the incoming assault got closer. A stampede of mixed animals charged through, swarming the square. Opal and Tank jumped into the pool of marbles to avoid being trampled, while Owlowiscious simply flew higher. There were a few fish with legs, squirrels with teeth bigger than themselves, and bunnies with elongated horse legs.
While the rest of the stampede charged off to cause more havoc, a certain bunny stayed. One with a small, green alligator locked onto it's enormous horse-like leg. Gummy and Angel stared at the trio awkwardly, nothing able to be said about the situation. For once, Opal didn't feel like scrapping with Angel, he seemed rather intimidating with giant legs. Gummy released his gnawing gums from Angel, falling to the floor and landing on his feet.
To many ponies, this would be quite a disorderly, irregular group to come across. A spoilt, irritable cat with a custard-laced tortoise on her back. An inquisitive, bookworm owl. A smiling, toothless alligator and a mutated bunny.
The gang was slowly being reunited in the centre of the new, dangerous and insane Ponyville. The only one missing now was Winona.
The rumbling returned, this time, in timed, reverberating steps. Each second a new earthquake was caused, something big getting closer. The marbles shook out of the fountain, and, after Gummy tasted one, rolled towards the source of the sound.
Coming the opposite way was the border collie, frantically barking and yelping at her friends, circling them rapidly in fear. Angel held out one of his new bony legs and tripped Winona, finally pausing her cries, to the relief and celebrations of the rest of the group.
Winona was usually jumpy and playful, but this time it was out of warning, presumably for the massive thumps that kept sounding behind the rows of houses. In curiosity, the six pets sat there in wait, rather than running in alarm. There were enough threats to worry about and no real destination in mind. Threats like gargantuan slinkies that roamed around the streets freely by themselves.
Emerging from behind the neighbourhood of houses came a leviathan of a creature. The behemoth had a mix of white and brown feathers, the former being it's face while the latter adorned it's tremendous wings and tail. It was half-eagle, half-lion, and all terrifying, reaching the size of an ursa minor.
Smashing the various building's with it's tail and claws, it's beak let out a ferocious roar, "WHO'S THE JERK NOW, PONYVILLE!?"
The pets sat, gob-smacked, while buildings caved in under the pressure of the colossal force driving into them. Opal didn't recall Rarity saying anything about Gilda being this tall. Or this violent. Apparently the town wasn't the only thing being changed, a chaotic effect on the mind as well as the body.
Before Opal had the chance to turn tail and go home, Owlowiscious had a sudden burst of heroism. Just like his owner, he couldn't stand by as this happened to the town, or there wouldn't be one left.
Defying the meow of warning, Owlowiscious launched himself at the destructive griffon. The others were forced to fall in after him, sprinting towards the devastation. Before they could reach Gilda, Owlowiscious had already wing-slapped her.
Even on a creature as big as herself, she was able to feel it. Her massive head turned to regard the vulnerable owl, who was staring back at her, unmoved. On her face was a fixed glare, her huge eyebrows knitting together in anger.
"YOU LITTLE TWERP!" She swung her claw at the insignificant-looking owl. No doubt it would have hurt to be caught in it, but Owlowiscious was far more agile than the ton of feathers attacking, dodging easily. She continued relentlessly beating the air around him.
The others, meanwhile, formed plans of their own. Opal dashed to the monster's leg, claws sharpened at the ready. Upon reaching the lion's foot, she leapt and scaled up the forest of brown hair, digging her shards in. She was gradually making her way to the top of the behemoth.
Angel and Tank had their own collaboration plan. Or Tank didn't have a say in it. Kicked towards Gilda by Angel's stretched legs, Tank hid in his shell. While Gilda was distracted, Angel balanced Tank between his hooves and brought the weight down onto her claws.
Gilda reared up and screeched in agony, almost leaving Opal to fall as she reached her back. Winona weaved in and out of the claws and paws hitting the floor, until she reached Gilda's tail. Springing onto it, she clamped it between her jaws, growling in an effort to not let go as she swung through the air.
And Gummy...
Gummy was gumming her leg. Everyone had their strengths, and Gummy's was making the beast feel uncomfortable.
Repeatedly hitting her leg with Tank between his hooves, Angel was forced to run as she targeted him. It was difficult to run with Tank, so he threw him at her face as she tried to bite her way to victory. The custard still attached to Tank had stuck him to her beak, further annoying her.
Before she had the chance to swipe him off, Opal drove her bayonet claws into the back of Gilda's neck. Screaming in anger, she thrashed around, trying to knock her off. Opal had control though, using her claws to direct her into the surrounding houses like her puppet.
Angel was able to return and start bucking her in the legs, while Owlowiscious set about un-sticking Tank from Gilda's beak. Winona was still unwavering, mid-air and chomping on Gilda's tail. Gummy, too, was still doing his thing.
With a 'pop', Owlowiscious freed Tank from the beak, holding him between his claws, and lowered him to the ground, away from Gilda.
The individual attacks and twinges of pain coming from the unlikely squad of saviours was enough to blow Gilda over the edge, providing she wasn't already that far. Each time she was outwitted by an animal supposedly lower than her, physically and mentally.
"THAT'S IT! YOU ANNOYING DWEEBS!" She cawed, going into a frenzy of rage.
Her wings shot out, and catapulted Opal off of her. Owlowiscious sped after the flying, screeching kitty, and what was supposed to be a flawless catch rescue ended up with the both of them tumbling to the ground in a bowl of exhausted fur and feathers.
Suddenly, Gilda's attention turned to the pain in her tail. She raised it high into the air, and prepared to pulverise the dog into the ground. Before she could, the cream and brown dog released her jaws, landing on Gilda's feathery back. From here, she could slide down the tail with it in her mouth like a fire-pole, a trail of saliva coating it.
"GROSS," She said, quieter than usual, but still booming.
All of the animals retreated to Tank's position away from Gilda, next to the fountain again. Owlowiscious was responsible for unlatching Gummy's jaw and bringing him back. She found where they were 'hiding' in plain sight, a lack of energy in all of them, and began to march their way.
Opal's fur was a dishevelled mess, patches of dirt from the impact of the floor visible. Like a 'sick' phoenix, feathers sprang out from Owlowiscious, the tired owl landing. Winona was panting from exertion, and spitting out a few griffon feathers. Angel was really getting annoyed by the horse legs, beginning to lose balance and fall to the floor. Tank was relatively unscathed, despite the entire battle being him used as cannon fodder.
And Gummy was sitting, a wide toothless grin as he looked at the oversized slinkies wandering the roads. It was then he had an epiphany, in times of dire circumstance, Pinkie Pie had always told him:
"Slinkies solve everything!"
He gummed Owlowiscious briefly: it was his way of getting attention. When the owl took notice, Gummy moved his head towards the slinkies and back to the steadily approaching Gilda. More importantly, her legs.
"Who!" Owlowiscious exclaimed, and every pet stared at him. "Who who, who who. Who!" The pets followed each direction, each order given to them. "Who who! Who who, who!" He'd even managed to fit an inspirational speech in there. Each of them nodded their heads, aware of the situation, but with high morale nevertheless.
They spread out in different directions, Owlowiscious carrying Tank into the air who, in turn, was carrying Gummy. Meanwhile, Opal, Winona and Angel sprinted at the near-by monster as she entered the wide-open square, separated only by the marble-leaking fountain.
The griffon went to Gilda-smash Angel, but his long legs gave him greater strides, avoiding it well. He pulled back, further into the square. She then whirled on Winona, who was circling her back legs. The dog glided between each impact the griffon's claws had to the ground, zig-zagging closer to the fountain. Opal did the same once Winona was out of range, 'kiting' the brute.
Simultaneously, Owlowiscious, Gummy and Tank had dropped onto the tram-sized slinky some distance away, wrestling it into submission. It squirmed and flailed like a worm, resisting the foreign creatures trying to subdue it. Gummy was, of course, gumming the silver varmint, there was no way he'd be letting go. Owlowiscious was holding it up by the top end vertically, and Tank was grounding it with his weight, while Gummy stuck to the middle, wriggling around.
Eventually, the metallic spirals of the slinky had grew tired. They had broken in the slinky, next was Gilda. The unconscious slinky was rolled over to the fountain that Gilda was circling, it was surprisingly light. They were hidden behind the fountain for now, aside from the slinky.
With their part done, Gummy and Tank were hovered into the pool of marbles for safety by Owlowiscious.
Once the rotation between Opal, Winona and Angel had switched, Owlowiscious called out, "Who!" The two pets currently waiting behind Gilda, Angel and Opal, returned to the fountain while the griffon was still distracted by Winona. She was being circled around the square, making sure to keep the other plan out of sight.
Once Opal and Angel were in position with the slinky, Owlowiscious rotated with Winona, taking her attention to the skies, rather than the ground. Diving and dodging, Owlowiscious kept Gilda's head fixed upwards, who was determined to destroy the pesky bird.
Now Angel, Opal and Winona were in control of the slinky, and carefully rolled it from the fountain. They followed Gilda as she stomped through the courtyard square, gently and sneakily wrapping it around her legs. Winona handled the left side of her, while Angel took the right. Opal double knotted it by charging through the middle of her back legs.
Once they had covered the back legs, Owlowiscious stopped, making sure not to trip her yet, when she could try to break free with a paw. The grounded pets waited for both of Gilda's front paws to hit the floor.
The right paw landed first, springing Angel into action as he worked on constricting it with the slinky. Shortly after came the left, leaving Winona to wrap that while Opal double knotted through her legs. Once the initial knots were complete, the trio tangled more of the slinky in any way they could, switching legs and going in-and-out of every crack.
Once they were out of slinky to use, they all ran back to the fountain, leaving Owlowiscious alone. Gilda foolishly attempted to smack him with her beak. She put out a claw in a vain effort to keep her balance, her eyes going wide when she realised that it wasn't happening.
She tumbled to the ground with a resounding crash, the echoing smashes of buildings had finally ceased and the debris' smoke clearing. With all four of her limbs tied and knotted with the twirled, metallic rope, Gilda's backside was in the air and her limbs were attached to one another like a prize pig. She rolled onto her back and tried forcing her limbs free.
It was pointless. No one can untangle a slinky.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" She squawked, tossing and turning.
The pets gathered around her, paw, wing and hoof-pumping in celebration. The 'sub-elements of harmony', saving Ponyville from a great menace. Gilda accepted her defeat, and lay limp. To add insult to injury, Gummy came up with a devious plan.
He waddled over to the frazzled griffon, getting closer to her lion feet. Her voice had gone much calmer, if still annoyed now. It was louder than most, but weary.
"What the hay is it doing now?"
He secured her paw with his gums, this time though, tickling her feet with his tongue.
As the laughter rose, Gilda began shrinking progressively. Her limbs returning to normal size, slightly taller than a pony. It seemed the cure to over-sized griffons was being tickled. Or saliva. Or slinkies.
The slinky proved ineffective at her containment now, sliding off her. Gummy stopped and quickly returned to the group, staring at her with contempt, waiting for her to try something.
She groggily rose to her hooves, rubbing her head. "Oh, er, hey..." She offered uneasily, outnumbered by angry animals. "You know, I didn't mean any of that..."
Winona was growling, matching Opal's hissing as they creepily converged on her. Angel was digging at the ground, preparing a bull's charge. Owlowiscious was circling her head, keeping her watching him much like when she was a giant. All the while Gummy was smiling on top of Tank.
As it seemed to be going downhill, negotiations proving unsuccessful, Gilda decided the best course of action was a hasty escape. Her wings bolted outwards, and carried her into the sky after a powerful jump.
"See ya, losers!" She called out as she escaped, not paying any attention to the cloud limousine heading her way. It flattened her against the wind-shield and drove into the distance, before the magic wind-shield wipers activated, clearing her off and dropping her in a cotton-candy cloud.
The pets hastily-made mission was complete, and they were back to having nothing to do and still no idea what was going on. They were exhausted and messy with pride. It was a good thing trees that grew beds apparently existed, a queen-size falling from a branch, nestling comfortably under it.
Opal need no further encouragement, she hopped on top of the mattress and readied for an afternoon nap. Of course, she couldn't be expected to share. That would lead to a battle only claws could finish. Or the awkwardness of someone's gums.
Glistening, the sun lit up the immaculate halls of the assembly through the rooftop windows. The sets of glass tables strewn about the wide open room were illuminated by the reflective rays bouncing around the congregation. Cream coloured pillars were raised into the chandelier-laden ceiling, separating the crowds of upper-class ponies.
The warming fragrance of food being prepared filled the air, the tiny portions already being served up onto long, narrow tables in anticipation for the start of the meal. Security ponies in black suits dotted every corner of the bright room.
The polished white walls contradicted the many black tuxedos and formal attire, magnifying the presence of certain ponies, whom were attracting their own sets of spectators. Servants cut in and out of the gatherings, offering a multitude of expensive hors d'oeuvres to the numerous listeners.
"So I said to her, the only way to stop the butler from running, is to cut off his leg!" The subdued, posh laughter of the several ponies sounded around the speaker. These jokes were becoming rather annoying now, but etiquette dictated a polite response to everything in Canterlot.
"I never tire of those jokes, Jet Set," Fancypants said in attempted sincerity, polishing his monocle before putting it back on.
"You can not honestly think that, Fancypants? My husband tells that same joke at every available opportunity," Upper Crust scoffed.
"That doesn't exactly mean it's humorous effect is lost immediately," It was difficult to please everypony, but staying neutral was often the route to losing both parties.
"Even when it never was humorous in the first place?" She retorted light-heartedly.
"Well, I suppose you've got me there then, haven't you?" The circle of ponies around Fancypants went up in another series of small laughs. The clinks of wine glasses echoed throughout the large assembly.
"Fancypants, you have had the privilege of attending many of these sorts of events, you must have picked up a wealth of comical material," Jet Set inquired, before continuing, "You wouldn't mind sharing it with us now, would you?" Fancypants was being egged on by various mutterings of support from the others
Truthfully, the jokes that these ponies would find entertaining were, in fact, awful, and Fancypants knew it. He had heard a few jokes stemming from Ponyville that testified to the snobbish attitude that his class presented, and they were shockingly accurate. He was left standing silently, contemplating his next move.
"Oh, no, no, I refuse to leave you all cringing at my fundraiser," Fancypants offered as an escape.
"Please, Fancypants, I can't be any more embarrassed than my husband has already made me, do go on," Upper Crust pestered, and the others all quietly approved.
"Ah, but..." It was then when Fancypants was thankfully cut off by his wife, Fleur-de-Lis, with a tug of his tuxedo sleeve. Past her voluminous pink hair, her pleading eyes suggested urgency, but her voice didn't show it.
"Sorry, everypony, inventory issues. I'll just be borrowing him for a second," She said calmly, dragging Fancypants away to his relief. They exited the crowd, which continued in a composed hubbub, and Fancypants began following Fleur.
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you, Fleur," He sighed, but noticed Fleur pick up the pace. "Nevermind, what is it you need?" They sidestepped around the various offers to talk and appetizers, heading towards the kitchen.
"Well somepony made the grave mistake of not checking our equipment," She said with a hint of annoyance.
"Am I to take that this is, indeed, my fault?" He wondered with a smile. This event had put pressure on the both of them to keep things organised, being the hosts. They had rented out this entire hall for the charity fundraiser, and many ponies were expecting the best as was usual in Canterlot.
"Yes," She said simply as she entered the kitchen along with the blue-maned stallion.
There were rows of kitchen counters with staff working on individual cooking areas, clean chrome surfaces untouched by a single speck of grease. While few of them were working away, hurriedly continuing to serve out food for the upcoming banquet, most were standing aimlessly near an opened shelf, the contents not visible.
"So, what's gone wrong now?" Fancypants said tiredly.
"I assume that we didn't thoroughly check what the last hosts here did with this place," Fleur telekinetically opened the shelf further, revealing the green and purple insides of the equipment shelf.
Fancypants raised his monocle to both of his eyes, but there was no doubt to what they were. "It's full of... lava lamps?"
"Yes!" Fleur said, agitated. "The rest of the cooking equipment is gone, there is no way we can cover each meal in the time we have with this amount of utensils."
"Oh, Celestia, give us a break," Fancypants said to himself. While the cooks were debating what to do amongst themselves, Fleur and Fancypants looked to each other for support. The reward of setting this up nowhere near exceeded the amount of stress they had accumulated.
Fancypants rubbed his eyes with a hoof, and wiped the sweat caused by the heated kitchen from his brow with his handkerchief. "Okay, allow me to present you with my most idiotic plan yet," He said to Fleur before turning to the kitchen staff.
"Which one of you can be trusted to take a thousand bits down to the nearest kitchen store?" As expected, near every hoof shot up, all vying for the position of the runner. Some pushed the others over, and then started a huge scrap between the staff. Spatulas flew through the air and rolling pins met pony heads, the trustworthiness of them proven.
"Right... that's what I thought," Fancypants said, and Fleur groaned in exasperation.
"I'll do it," She said plainly. Every one of the staff heard, and slowly began coming to the realisation that they weren't going to make off with the money. The punches gradually ceased, and they went back to doing as much as they could for the kitchen. A lot of friendships were probably broken because of that offer.
"No, Fleur, you've done enough for for me. Most of this was arranged because of you, I won't allow you to overwork yourself. I'll go," Fancypants suggested.
"Are you forgetting your speech due in about five minutes, love?" Fleur smirked.
"Ah. Yes. That. Darn it." Fleur stared at Fancypants expectantly. "Oh... fine." He gave her his satchel of money, enveloped with his orange glow of magic. "But, please, hurry back. Not only because we need them. I doubt I'll survive in this atmosphere much longer without you."
They rested their heads against each other, supporting and comforting their tired minds for a brief moment of pause in their frantic lifestyles. Canterlot society decreed that in, order to stay on top, the elite had to keep social. It was hard when you weren't too fond of those around you.
After a few moments of tranquillity, Fleur pulled her head away.
"Oh..." Fancypants moaned. "I was almost asleep."
"They'll be plenty of time for that when this is over, love."
"Alright..." Fancypants straightened his monocle and re-composed his mane. It was exhausted, much like himself, but it was time to re-join the crowds. "Good luck, and please, don't be swain by the new shoe shop downtown."
"A new shoe shop?" Fleur asked instinctively, turning her head and smiling before she exited through the kitchen's back door.
"What have I done..." Fancypants muttered to himself. He wiped the natural smile that Fleur had given him off of his face and went to re-enter the main hall.
It was still full to the brim with ponies, perhaps even more than before, as now the proceedings were almost due to start. He made his way to a red-rimmed table with a selection of wines and spirits. It was a shame they had no caffeine. He sampled a few of the wines, but none seemed to invigorate him into enjoying himself. Only after taking a few, potentially damaging in size, swigs of vodka was he any more alive.
"Enjoying ourselves a bit much, aren't we, Fancypants?" A posh stallion's voice said from behind him. He turned to see Prince Blueblood, his blond mane dangling loosely over the side of his grinning face. Blueblood magically grabbed a glass of wine for himself.
"Ah, Blueblood, I see the security was unsuccessful in preventing you from attending, or the cheap participation fee."
"Ha. Ha. Fancypants," Blueblood said blandly. "No, they simply understood the gravity of my presence at this event. Maybe it is you who would be better off with the common muck, I see you're still holding on to that cheap, seven-hundred bit monocle."
"Or, perhaps, I was granted entry due to the fact that this is my fundraiser. Speaking of which, I do hope everything meets your acquired taste while you are here, your grace."
"I can't help but notice the distinct lack of music. I didn't realise you were cheap enough to hold back on buying a jukebox."
"Yes, unfortunate circumstances, it seems, meant that we couldn't have Octavia and her band perform. We attempted to phone her, but her room-mate said she was going to be busy all week."
"Shame, it could have proved a nice distraction from the insufferable attendees that refuse to acknowledge my status."
"They shouldn't have to, Blueblood. This is a charity event."
"Ah, yes. What was it that this banquet is supporting? Housing for zebra slums outside of Equestria? You're wasting your breath, those ingrates are unlikely to ever repay such gratitude."
"I am not seeking recognition or reward for this, Blueblood. It might be best for you to understand that you cannot expect it everywhere you go due to your title, nor class."
Blueblood gave a short, posh laugh. "Oh, please enlighten one such as myself then, you are doing this simply out of the kindness of your heart? Or is it a useless publicity stunt?"
"Yes, you would know all about publicity stunts, wouldn't you, Prince? I do believe the events of the Gala are still fresh in our memories," Fancypants chucked to himself.
"Always inclined to mention that aren't you? I fail to see how it was my fault the event was teeming with bourgeois philistines such as the mare I had the displeasure of attending with," Blueblood said bitterly.
"Seems to me that somepony is upset they couldn't be as chivalrous as their façade pretends to be."
Blueblood scoffed, shocked, "Upset?! What took place at the Gala lead to nothing but more evidence that ponies like them do not belong in Canterlot. How you could think that it could of effected myself emotionally is beyond me."
"Maybe if you weren't so defensive about it," Fancypants remarked.
"Don't you have a speech to be presenting?" Blueblood said quietly before sipping more wine.
Fancypants' eyebrows raised as he checked his watch. Two minutes late, hopefully nopony would mind.
"Thank you for reminding me so swiftly, your highness," Fancypants said sarcastically, and then started to make his way to the end of the hall, where the podium was.
"My pleasure. Remember: there's a lot of ponies here. Respected ones such as myself and journalists, try not to choke up there."
"I wouldn't give you the satisfaction," Fancypants concluded, and then picked up the pace. Honestly, the conversations with Blueblood were interesting, and sometimes enjoyable. They didn't despise one another completely, it was a friendly rivalry.
He reached the edge of the stage and climbed it, rather than going around to the stairs. He made his way behind the podium and cleared his throat. Most of the ponies had noticed him, and were beginning to focus their attention on him. Once the majority was ready, either sitting on one of the glass tables or roaming the hall, he spoke up.
"Good afternoon and welcome to mine, and Fleur-de-Lis', charity fundraiser! First off, I'd like to say a big thank you to everypony who has attended. I'm sure the zebras will be incredibly appreciative of all of the support you all are offering."
A sharp, "Ha!" emitted from a certain white-coated unicorn at the wine table.
"...Yes, and, furthermore..." Fancypants stopped, and once more, adjusted his monocle to the peculiar sight he was seeing. The cream coloured pillars supporting the structure seemed to shift and wobble in their place. Soon after, the other ponies began observing the strange occurrence.
The several once-cylindrical beams then entirely disappeared in a flash of confetti and balloons, and were replaced by statues of a jumbled figure. The figure was a mess of parts: pony, goat, dragon and more. It's current colour was a dark grey, but it soon started to pulsate with a variety of multicoloured splotches.
A few gasps and exclamations of "How unorthodox!" came from the audience. To that, the statues somehow replied.
"Unorthodox? Oh, that's a new one! I've been called crazy, maniacal, unstable, demented, erratic, a lunatic..." The multiple statues continued listing the synonyms while the tables commenced to float in the air. The startled ponies jumped away from them, and began a worried conversation with each other, backing away. The lava lamps that once sat in the kitchen shelf were darting around the room, floating around the individual statues of the same creature.
"...a screwball, psycho, beserk..." The voices took a pause, thinking. "Oh, and stupid. That one hurt. I mean, you can't be that unintelligent to be able to create wide-scale chaos, am I right?
Meanwhile...
"OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Octavia screamed, launching through the air on the cloud limousine without a driver. Spiralling downwards, the vehicle dove through countless clouds, various warning symbols lighting up all over the dashboard.
"WHERE THE HAY IS DISCORD?!" Bon-Bon yelled, hugging Octavia in fear. The howling winds around them only amplified the terror.
"It's okay, we got this!" Vinyl said, her and Lyra scooting up into the front seat to the drivers controls.
"I, for one, choose death!" Octavia exclaimed, looking over the side of the car. It was much too far from the ground to survive. "Perfect!"
"Too bad, Tavi, I locked the doors! I think..." Vinyl said, scanning over the buttons.
Lyra grasped the steering wheel, trying to turn and lower the vehicle. "Y'know, this'd be much easier with hands, Bon-Bon!"
"SHUT UP AND DRIVE!" Was the reaction from the back.
The wheel seemed to be contributing little to their safe landing, they couldn't tell where they were, even out of range from the cotton candy clouds.
"Mash buttons?" Vinyl suggested.
"Mash buttons," Lyra confirmed, and they went about hitting every possible button in an attempted to do something. Leaving no lever un-pulled, no button un-pushed and no steering wheel left screwed in.
"Guys, the wheel fell off..." Vinyl said calmly.
The passenger seat erupted in another cacophony of screaming.
"If you don't mind, and, pardon my impertinence, statue, might I ask what the hay is going on?" Fancypants inquired, ducking from the circling lava lamps. Like hawks, they dove in on helpless ponies, dripping the jelly-like insides over them.
The statues' voices suddenly copied Fancypants' upper-class tone, "Well, my good gentlecolt, I am here on a mission of chaos. Discord, at your service. Well, my own service, really. Anyway, I am simply looking for two volunteers."
"To do what, exactly?"
"Oh, I'm not spoiling the fun just yet, give me some credit."
"While I don't mean to be rude, I must ask that you leave then, as you are disrupting an important charity event, and I am certain none here wish to participate in your mission."
"I guess we have a volunteer then, don't we?" The statue laughed and suddenly reformed back into a pillar. Out of it came the alive and kicking version of the statue. His red dragon tail knocked down one of the pillars with a gentle push, and when he tried to rest upon the other, it, too, fell. "Sorry about that, I guess I don't know my own strength." He flexed, and muscles the size spanning the height of the room emerged from his thin arms.
Fancypants was about to protest once more, when the shattering crash above them drew all of their attention. The largest of the glass roof windows was decimated, and in it's place came forth a long cloud that hammered the ground, pulverising the wine table and near-flattening a terrified-looking Blueblood. The security ponies instantly put up a magical shield that blocked any glass from falling onto the ponies below, but were still too scared to directly interfere with Discord.
On top of the vehicle-shaped cloud were four mares. Two of which were clinging to each other in the back, faces distraught. The other two could be seen, and heard, cheering at the front. A series of hoof-pumps later, they noticed the large amount of ponies watching them, and went silent.
"Now before you get all mad at me," Discord started "I was going to come back for you guys," He said to the half-traumatised, half-ecstatic mares.
"No thanks," Octavia said quickly, "I'll be leaving now, I've had enough life-threatening crazy situations for today." She tried to jump over the side of the limo, but an invisible magical barrier was holding her back.
"Ah, ah, ah, not quite yet, my little pony. As I was saying to this fine gentlecolt..." Discord pointed back at Fancypants, still standing, confused, at the podium. "Only one more participant is needed and this will soon be all over. Don't you worry your pretty little bee-infested mane."
With barely any time to say "What?!", Discord clicked his fingers and summoned a swarm of bees from out of Octavia's black mane. Octavia scrambled up and down the vehicle, spreading the bees everywhere in fear. The others were soon forced to frantically avoid her, clinging to the edges of the barrier.
"Now, finally, while they're distracted, let's hurry up and get me a volunteer! Or... if we're not feeling up to it, I suppose I'll have to do it," Discord sighed, and began scanning the cowering crowd. "Hmm... nope... no... nah..."
The clacking sounds of hooves against the polished floors caught Discord's attention, and he whirled on the perpetrator with an insane smile. Blueblood was backing away sheepishly, and was now frozen in place as Discord stared at him.
"We have a new volunteer!" He shouted in joy, raising his arms in the air. Rainbows sprouted from his hands and cake suddenly dropped from the ceiling onto the rest of the high-class ponies in celebration.
"Now was that really so hard?" Discord wondered. "That's all I came for, now I'll be on my way. Enjoy the rest of... whatever it is you're doing here." Discord raised a hand and prepared to click his fingers, but stopped. "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, these lava lamps will self destruct... so have fun!"
With a snap of his fingers, the six ponies were now aboard Discord's magical cloud limousine, flying easily with the breeze. The bees were gone, and they were all sitting appropriately in the back seats. The new arrivals, Fancypants and Blueblood, looked at the veterans, but could say nothing. It was down to Vinyl to break the ice.
"That's a nice moustache. Tavi used to have one like tha-" Vinyl's insulting comments were interrupted by sounds of her strangulation, Octavia beating her head into the soft clouds as she choked the annoying mare. While the pair struggled on the floor of the limo, Fancypants just nodded to the other two, Lyra and Bon-Bon, unsure what to make of the situation.
Blueblood choose to avoid everyone, instead looking down on the upcoming landmark. There was a behemothic sized red bowl erecting from the ground. On top of this bowl was six giant hamsters pushing around six massive hamster balls. The limo was going in to a descent, preparing to dock at said landmark.
"Should I even ask?" Fancypants wondered as he took notice of the unique sight.
The confused mess of colours that were sewed into the sky refused to rehabilitate, a sign that disharmony was here to stay. And, while the sun was steadfast in position, it's glorious rays were partially disrupted by the cotton candy clouds and crude, shifting weather. Being carried through the wind was a scent of maturing cheese, not at all helping the slight vertigo felt by Bon-Bon as she looked down.
"So..." Vinyl began, "Fancypants... Blueblood... I can't help but notice we've only picked up couples so far... erm... does that mean..." She rubbed the back of her neck in an attempt to act awkward, but the trace of her knowing shone in her slight smirk.
Octavia face-hoofed, while Blueblood looked near-horrified. Fancypants just chuckled, "Yes, things weren't working out with Fleur. I am fortunate Blueblood was there to 'catch me on the rebound', as they say."
"In your dreams," Blueblood scoffed, discarding the conversation and went about styling his mane.
The two upper-class ponies were the noticeably odd ones out, the only two wearing anything. Both formal, black suits in a climate which demanded only an umbrella, but also oven gloves, because you can never be too sure when the sun turns into a toaster.
"Oh, you have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this. Just me, a few regular ol' ponies and some innocent chaos..." Discord said as the cloud limo descended to a stone bridge floating miles high in the air. The bridge connected to the previously seen giant bowl, holding in the six oversized hamsters and the transparent spheres that should house them.
"Regular ponies?!" Blueblood scoffed. "What in Equestria makes you think I fit in with this rabble?"
"Hey!" Vinyl started, "What makes you think we want to have anything to do with your prissy flank?"
"Perhaps because I have some degree of an education, and therefore, you all need me to survive whatever circumstances we are currently facing. Besides, I haven't exactly seen any talents on your part, what exactly is it you do..." He regarded Vinyl, and her currently shifting pose. "...Some kind of mare of the night?"
With no time for any of the ponies to gauge Vinyl's reaction, she lunged at him. Colliding, they both fell through the limo and onto the bridge. It didn't stop her attacks though, even on the brink of the safety-less bridge she still punched and strangled the insulting stallion, who was bravely defending his face from being the slightest bit scarred.
"You see?" Discord laughed, "So, so easy to get them fighting." He snapped his fingers and the rest of the limo disappeared, landing the others on the three metre wide stone. As they did, they came to the conclusion that they should probably break up the fight, even if they just wanted to see Blueblood pummelled.
Fancypants and Lyra attempted to telekinetically pull Vinyl away from the near-crying pansy, while Octavia struggled to drag Vinyl by the hooves away from him.
The grey mare tried to convince her otherwise, pleading through grunts of effort, "Come on... dear... he's not... worth your time...!" Just as Vinyl was pried from the stallion's neck, Blueblood thought it was a good time to amend Octavia's previous statement.
"I think you mean the other way around, Octavia."
Once more, Vinyl charged at him, breaking free of Octavia's grasp and near toppling him over the edge.
"For the love of Celestia, Blueblood, shut up!" Octavia begged.
Several punches and noogies later, Vinyl released the blond stallion, pleased with her work. His carefully coiffed mane strewn about his face, tuxedo creased and slightly ripped. He dusted himself off and stood up, staying away from his new nemesis, Vinyl.
Waiting at the other side of the bridge was Discord, dressed as a bouncer, guarding a red rope that blocked off entrance to the hamster-filled structure. The six ponies gradually made their way across, walking in pairs over the gravity-defying stone to what they assumed would be doom. Or more stupidity.
"Vinyl, please do not confront Blueblood again. Do you know how much power he has over Canterlot? Any performances of mine could be cancelled with his whim," Octavia said, hushed so to not inform Blueblood who was walking at the back of the line with Fancypants.
"Ponies actually listen to that idiot in Canterlot? I told you there was something wrong with them," She replied.
"Regardless of whether or not he should be in a position of power, he is. I just want to get through whatever the hay this is and go home. Surely, if we play his game, he'll eventually tire and let us go."
"Because that's totally a flawless plan. Not like he's screwed over all of Ponyville or anything."
Bon-Bon suddenly joined in from behind, "Exactly, he's got bigger things to worry about. We just have to wait until he gets bored."
Lyra pointed a hoof through the two in front of her and to Discord. He was happily swimming around in a blender full of pineapples.
"Somehow, I don't think he's the type to get bored. Ever."
Without warning, the ponies were enveloped in a flash of magic, and each of them were transported into the huge hamster balls. They were spread out along the rim of the bowl, about to fall in. Through the transparent spheres they could could see behind them the multicoloured hamsters, holding each individual in place.
"Wow, you ponies are SLOW!" Discord exclaimed, floating above the centre of the arena. "Honestly, how do you get around anywhere without wings?"
The ponies were too far from each other and Discord to respond.
"Whatever, I don't care. This is really quite simple, something to keep both you and me entertained while I skirt around Ponyville and make sure certain mares aren't disrupting my fantastic operation here," He addressed to everypony.
"Let's see..." Discord materialized a scroll before him, spanning a few feet in length. "Rules... rules, rules, rules..." He read through the list with a pair of heart shaped glasses. "Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out! Who needs rules anyway?"
With no option for communication, the ponies dotting the rim of the wide bowl could only stare helplessly at each other covering the wide distance. Vinyl could faintly make out the scowl Blueblood had on his face, and returned one.
The green hamster holding Lyra's ball in place was eager to start, rocking it back and forth and sniffing frantically at the delighted pony inside.
"Aww, look at how cute you are!" Lyra touched a hoof to the ball next to the hamster's face, and in return it tried chewing and licking at the clear plastic. While the caliber of the hamster should have intimidated her, all she saw was a fuzzy pet that she would now need to convince Bon-Bon to keep. "I'm gonna call you Nibbles!"
Blueblood's yellow-coated hamster, however, was getting a much more stern talking to.
"Noble, while I do realize I am talking to a hamster, I am certain you can understand some form of redemption." Noble the Hamster cocked his head to the side like a dog. "Especially with this strange magic going around, it would not surprise me if you were some kind of super-intelligent rodent that could talk."
The hamster barked in response.
"I... see. Nevertheless, SHE is your target,' Blueblood said as he pointed towards Vinyl and her purple hamster, directly opposite them and across the expanse of the bowl. "I can make a fair assumption that this is some kind of gladiator battle, so, whatever the objective, make sure she does not succeed!" Noble mooed, and it was settled.
"Was Blueblood talking to a hamster?" Vinyl asked herself, and turned to see her own goggle-coloured hamster staring back. "Am I going to start talking to you?" The hamster actually shrugged. "Am I totally going to call you MC Synth?" She smiled, and wished that he had a pair of goggles of his own. "Are we gonna kick Blueblood's flank?" She took the scratching of an ear as a yes.
Discord, pleased with the amount of insanity already reaching the ponies, begun, "Hamsters, charge!"
The circle of mutant hamsters pushed each of the owners in near-synch, starting off the momentous collision course. The ponies who didn't run fast enough inside the balls, Bon-Bon and Octavia, were instantly stumbled, causing them to fall, now victim to the increasing speed.
The increasing momentum of Vinyl and Blueblood in particular made them visible leaders, and as soon as they reached the inclination of the bowl, they crashed. The resilient plastic casing held fine, but the ponies inside both had capsized. Discord let out a cheer and summoned forth a cacophony of applause.
Blueblood and Vinyl got back to their feet, ready to launch at each other once more, before the others arrived.
"Tally ho!" Fancypants exclaimed as he came smashing into Blueblood, knocking him up the side of the bowl and recoiling back into him. As they were swept away into the distance, Octavia came tumbling into Vinyl, they grey pony bouncing around the confines of the transparent sphere.
As soon as they connected, Bon-Bon had struck the both of them from out of nowhere, still not quite sure what was going on from the floor of the ball. Opening her eyes from her position upside-down, she caught a quick glimpse of Lyra with a wide grin, and retained a bemused face as they slammed into each other.
Discord was laughing, now perched atop a cloud pedestal with a bag of popcorn. "This is too good, I'm sure Pinkie would love this... speaking of which..." Discord snapped his fingers and disappeared, off to continue ensuring the chaos would stay.
The ponies came to a sliding halt, the momentum wearing off and them refusing to move. All but Vinyl and Blueblood, who were still running at each other, the thumping plastic giving Octavia a headache.
"Everypony, stop! We don't have to do anything! It's not like he can make us," Octavia said, getting approval from the others around her as the arena stood still. The ceasefire didn't last long though, as Discord appeared once more to put things right.
"Must you be such a buzzkill, Octavia?" He was stood on top of her ball, looking down at her disapprovingly. "Well, if you're so confident that I can't make you, I know what can." He snapped his fingers, and, before disappearing, called, "Come along, hamsters, there are no spoilsports in this dojo!"
Heeding the call, Discord's fluffy minions jumped into the bowl, sliding down on yet another collision course with the ponies. The mix of colours diving in from every direction gave them no chance of escape, and the ponies in the centre of the arena were consumed in a big ball of fuzz.
"That was the cutest thing I've ever seen..." Lyra said from somewhere in the disjointed pile of hamsters.
Recovering from the impact, the hamsters arose and went to their individual owners. Each of them grabbed the orbs containing the ponies and were now in control. They were pushing them around the arena, standing on their hind legs and shuffling their small paws.
Lyra's hamster targeted Bon-Bon, and started a run for the cream mare. Bon-Bon's hamster did the same, forcing her to run in the same direction.
"NIBBLES, NO!" Lyra yelled, but her pet didn't listen, and they soon crashed. The chaos started again, and soon enough, everypony was forced to keep the fight going.
Discord and his terrible organisational skills meant he had re-appeared at the arena, with one last message for the participants of his crazy game.
"Okay! Last detail: bowls are no fun." Snapping his fingers, the arena burst into streams of flashing light, and began a transformation.
The sky lit up with the previous red colours escaping, and being replaced with a flow of green shooting into it. The structure commenced morphing into something too, the steep inclinations folding downwards and becoming completely flat. The hamsters and ponies shielded their eyes from the blinding light, and when they looked, the bowl had become a snooker table.
The soft, green expanse went on like a natural plain of grass beneath them, only being cut off by the table's edges or the pots.
"Very nice," Discord complemented himself, and suddenly grew a few hundred times his normal size. "Now," His voice bellowed, "Being this humongous doesn't come without it's magical price, so let's hurry up and break, shall we?"
His massive mix of scales and fur that was his arm scooped them all across the table. He placed the hamsters on the edges of the table and placed the ponies in a triangle formation. Trapping them in a large, black triangle so they wouldn't move, he fetched a flaming cue stick and polished it with his tongue.
"Spicy." Next, he grabbed an egg in place of a cue ball and lined up his shot after removing the triangle. Before the ponies could run anywhere, Discord struck the egg, somehow intact in the first shot, and it was propelled towards Blueblood, currently the head of the triangle.
He let out a feminine scream and covered his face as it shattered all over the orb, finding it's way through the air holes and permanently staining his black attire. The rest of the egg shot up in the air, raining down on the others as they were all pushed away from the force of the break.
Scattered across the table, the hamsters rejoined them, ready for the final push against each other. With a successful break, Discord vanished once more to keep control of his expanding empire.
Octavia was picking out bits of the shell that had managed to perfectly fit through the cracks from her usually smooth, black mane. She was tired, angry, hadn't eaten yet and was covered in egg shell. Now it was raining explosive lemons. Her grimace refused to vanish, so Vinyl decided to shift it for her.
"Synth, attack!" Obeying, the purple pet propelled Vinyl into Octavia, the ball side-swiping and sending them both into a spin. Even with the multiple three-sixty degree turns, her expression chose not to change. "C'mon, Tavi, lighten up," Vinyl said, voice quavering from the fading spin. "Not like there can be much more in store, might as well enjoy it while we can."
"No," She rebutted bluntly.
"See, you're so boring, he'll throw you out, so no need to wor-"
Before Vinyl could finish, Blueblood's yellow hamster had catapulted him towards Vinyl. They clashed thunderously, the force instantly knocking down Vinyl and sending her directed towards the snooker pocket. While Blueblood watched, smirking at Vinyl's near-end, Bon-Bon came out of nowhere, defending the white mare.
Her ball absorbed the impact, and she took Vinyl's place in the pocket, falling into the dark depths below- out of the game and into the unknown. Bon-Bon's pink hamster scurried away, now watching from the sidelines.
"I can't tell if she's lucky or not," Octavia said, still at a standstill at the middle of the table. Much to her displeasure, her black pet started rolling towards Lyra, and with Octavia along for the ride.
Although the collision was not nearly powerful enough to knock them far from each other, it still managed to stumble and trip the ponies inside. They simply brushed it off, however, and kept talking.
"Hey, Octavia," Lyra began, "So, what's this little guy's name?" She asked, pointing towards the black hamster.
"What do you mean, little?! And why would I go as far as to name them? Please don't tell me you have n-"
"This is Nibbles. I'm going to try and sneak him home when this is over!"
"I have no idea how you plan on accomplishing that feat, he's not exactly concealable."
The hamsters begun using the two opponents as melee weapons, batting them against each other in mid-air on their hind legs. While Lyra could be heard laughing as she floated around inside the ball, Octavia could only grumble as she took repeated blows to the face.
On the other side of the table, Fancypants and Blueblood's hamsters were circling each other.
"En guard, Blueblood."
"Have at you, Fancypants, I've always wondered when this day would come."
"The day in which we were forced to fight alongside mutant hamsters against each other in an arena resembling a snooker table?"
"Perhaps not quite in the same circumstances, either way, prepare to be defeated... as soon as my hamster stops scratching up the flooring..."
"Not the smartest fellow, is he?"
"Noble's talent speaks in volumes compared to yours."
"I didn't realise nobility allowed the hamster categorization. It would explain a lot, Prince."
"Comparing me to a hamster, are we? Very well, have you succumbed to the madness and named yours?"
Fancypants looked back at his blue hamster, who was sat in a dignified pose capable of rivalling some of the Canterlot elite.
"Chives," Fancypants said plainly.
"Chives?"
"Chives," He repeated.
"Any particular reason?"
"My chauffeur's name. Nice fellow."
"Hmm."
"Yes."
"Quite."
The formal conversation was brought to an end when their pets began attacking, driving them against each other. Each lunge the hamsters made lead to them ricocheting from the sides of the table. If not for some careful steering, Blueblood would have fell into the back-left pocket.
The physical exertion was beginning to take it's toll on everypony, the fights becoming more lethargic and slow. The hamsters seemed uninterested in continuing as the pummelling Lyra and Octavia were taking gradually came to a halt.
On the other hand, Vinyl was still geared up for an attempt on Blueblood's life. Unprovoked, on her own, she ignored the paused Octavia and Lyra, racing instead at the close proximity Blueblood with Fancypants.
Clashing, the precise shot coordinated by Synth had managed to strike both the Canterlot ponies. It had brought Vinyl to a stop, and sent the other two in opposite directions. By a complete fluke, they both dissected perfectly into the large back pockets.
Vinyl sat, partially dumbfound at first, then thrilled. "Aww yeah! A two-fer!"
Vinyl set her sights on the two remaining ponies, clearly mad with adrenaline dictating her actions. Victory was nearby, and, without the push of her hamster, she darted towards the soon to be runners-up.
"WAIT, VINYL!" Lyra cried. Octavia was much too tired to try and reason with the chaotic mare. Vinyl stopped, and soon after, so did the ball's momentum. The hamsters had already evacuated, jumping down the snooker pockets and into oblivion. Or whatever lay down there.
"Now that Blueblood's gone, we don't need to keep fighting!" Lyra tried to reason, "Call it a tie?"
Just as Vinyl looked as though some thought process was about to be complete in her mind, the sky cracked with an omnipotent voice.
"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" Discord bellowed, and he materialized into a neon inferno.
Blazing blue lights streaked across the arena as Discord came closer into view. He was on some sort of motorized bike, torrents of blue following him as he swept across the dodging ponies. The trailing blue line stemming from the hypersonic bike encased the ponies in a large rectangle, trapping them.
As the bike successively ceased, it's structure could be seen now that it wasn't a blur of motion. A slick black finish gave way to electroluminescent strips of blue light, circling where the wheels should be. Except they weren't. The two wheel-holes that now rested on the green table somehow propelled the contraption forward, despite not having anything rotational.
Discord stepped off from the futuristic-looking bicycle and reached a claw to his face. The ponies cringed in horror as he pulled off his head, revealing a motorcycle helmet with a large numeral 'one' at the front.
"Turns out it's me!" Snapping his fingers, the chunk of land that was holding the imprisoned ponies fell. Swallowing them, the flooring re-moulded itself, sealing them in the blackness.
Octavia awoke to the pangs of pain felt caused by Vinyl poking her with a stick. Groaning, she held a hoof out to block the sunlight burning her eyes. Sunlight? She flashed open her eyes for a brief second before clenching them shut once more. Sunlight.
"Hey, you're not a zombie, are you?" Vinyl asked, poking her harder.
"No, but thank you for your concern," Octavia replied. Only now could she feel the soft grass on her back, mixed with the scalding sunlight and the gentle breeze of wind that barely cut through it. They were outside, not eaten by a table like she had previously expected.
Another voice sounded, and she recognised it as Fancypants'. "Perhaps we should get moving now that we are all, more-or-less, alive."
"You're right," She heard Bon-Bon say, and her cream hoof was held out to her. Shielding her eyes with one hoof, she took Bon-Bon's with the other and could commence the difficult task of standing.
Everypony she had been involved with previously was there, walking about an immense grassy plain. There was not a thing in sight but grass, clouds and patches of trees. Examining the sky, Octavia saw the white fluffy clouds lead into pink mammoth ones.
Before she could, Lyra asked for her, "So... are we in the 'chaos-free' zone right now? There's a serious lack of flying octopi and stuff like that."
"I suppose so... he just ditched us here? In the middle of nowhere?" Octavia asked, being the last to wake up.
"Yep," Bon-Bon said, being the first one to fall. "I've been sitting here for some time, I knew sooner or later you'd all get here... or I'd be sent somewhere else."
"You were asleep when we found you," Fancypants said, looking in every way for any sense of direction.
"It's been one of those days," Bon-Bon said, and everypony in the group seemed to murmur some form of approval.
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm headin' home into that scary pink horizon known as Ponyville," Vinyl said, "It's way too hot out here."
Blueblood harrumphed, "Ponyville, I should have known. Well, for those of us like me who still have an image to keep, I'll be heading to Canterlot."
"Apparently neither of you have seen the distance they both are away from us," Octavia started, lying on the floor again in a giving-up attitude. "I can barely make out the back of the mountain Canterlot is perched on, let alone any sight of a road, and you expect us to walk there in this heat?"
The deserted ponies looked helplessly at each other, stranded and soon to be suffering from heatstroke.
"WHY IS IT SO DAMN HOT?!" Vinyl shouted into the sky, and whirled on Blueblood, eager for another scrap. "Where are those talents now you pompous snob?!"
Instead of a witty response, Blueblood was locked staring off to the side with a blank face. Chasing his point of view, they saw their saviours knocking down the few trees as they got closer.
"Noble," Blueblood muttered to himself quietly.
The collection of hamsters scrambled their way to the owners, the different shades of colours simmering in the hazy heat. The mundane colours of nature were quickly overshadowed by the mix of black, pink, green, blue, blond and purple.
"A... parting gift... from Discord?" Bon-Bon suggested, and the others went to their respective pets.
"Hey, Tav-" Vinyl was quickly cut off by Octavia.
"No, you're not keeping him."
"How... b-but... you'll think differently once he's saved our lives!" She suddenly proclaimed. Jumping onto Synth's back, she yelled, "Onwards, Synth! To Ponyville!" The hamster reared up and began a charge towards the cotton candy clouds above Ponyville.
Before she could question Vinyl's impulsive attitude, she saw Lyra race past after the white mare.
"Hi-ho, Nibbles! Away!" The green fur brushed past Octavia as she stared at the rest of them dubiously.
Even Blueblood was ready for the lengthy trek, giving Noble some kind of flight check, inspecting his paws to make sure he would run smoothly. Fancypants, meanwhile, brought out a spare monocle from underneath his lapel and equipped the dapper hamster's eye with it. It stuck perfectly, like it was the hamster's calling in life.
"Splendid, come along, Chives."
Fancypants and Blueblood paced their hamsters, starting at gentle jogging strides. It was far too hot for the tuxedos by now, especially after all of the strenuous exercise. In a stroke of mad genius, both of them instead chose to adorn their formal attire around their heads, suitable for the desert-like conditions they were facing.
Octavia and Bon-Bon stood back, silently wondering how all this happened.
"We're not getting out of this sane, you do realise?" Octavia said dolefully.
"Whatever chance of that ended when I met Lyra."
With all said and done, another delirious chapter of life in Ponyville ended for this particular group, and they rode back into the chaos they had barely escaped.
"Scootaloo? Be a dear and board up that window, would you?" Cheerilee asked as she held the door shut from the barrage of angry birds outside. They were attempting to pummel their way through, smashing themselves against the windows and entrances to the school. The main door and most others had some form of debris blocking them up, and were constantly being added to.
The frightened children of the class were either staying away from the walls altogether, or helping to defend the structure from the onslaught. It had been about half an hour since the entire school was swarmed by the things, and, while many classes had attempted to evacuate the school and run, each time they were all caught and magically vaporized into the unknown. Cheerilee's was the only one left, bunkered down from the suicidal bomber birds.
It happened as soon as they returned from the school trip to Canterlot Gardens. The terrain, sky and even ponies began transforming into anarchic shadows of their former selves, the only purpose being to confuse and disorientate onlookers. Whether it was with the peanut-filled sky, the roads that resembled bowling alleys, or the ponies that were now bowling pins, it was safe to say the objective was complete.
The windows that were left open were reinforced positions where the children could attack the birds, while the closed ones needed to be protected with anything they could find. There were stacks of chairs, tables and desks against them, rumbling with each impact.
"Mith Cheerilee!" Twist called from her position as lookout. Staring through the windows, she continued with her lisp, "The birdths have learnt to use thlingthots!"
"Ugh," Cheerilee sighed, holding a magenta hoof to her head. "Truffle? Could you hold the door while I take a look?'
The small grey colt nodded, and waddled to the door before taking a seat to defend, propping his back up against it.
Sure enough, the fat birds were floating into place in front of multiple slingshots aimed directly at them. Up to now, they were simply rolling their humongous bodies into the building, but now they were literally being propelled at them.
A thunderous smash from a giant, spherical red bird left the building quivering, dust falling from the walls. The entire class staggered at the force, many losing their balance and falling.
"Get outta here, dumb pigeon thing," Scootaloo yelled through the window as she assaulted a white bird with a broomstick through the window.
"Actually," Cheerilee started through heavy breaths as the shielded lookout point was pounded against her regularly, "Pigeons are part of the columbidae family, like doves. These could resemble the hirundinidae family, like mutant, bloated swallows. However, the aggressiveness shown here is a clear variable between them, which makes me think they could be... "
Scootaloo stood bored, staring at Cheerilee as she went on to describe the various eating habits and differences of the bird families while the broomstick was being chewed. Twist was interested though, even in the midst of all the crazy shenanigans.
Meanwhile, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were averting some attention from the others as they assailed the birds from an open window with a near-endless supply of apples. Each time the birds got close enough, an incredibly fragile apple would explode into their faces, hindering the progress.
"Applebloom, why do you have so many apples?" Sweetie Belle asked as she picked up another hoof-full from the red-maned filly's school bag and began firing.
"Ah don't know!" She exclaimed, "Usually AJ and Big Mac dump the excess ones on me, but not this many!"
One of the larger birds collided with an apple, but this time, it ricocheted back through the window. Narrowly avoiding it by ducking, Applebloom watched as the apple swiped Diamond Tiara's crown away from her head and flew outside into the ravenous birds.
"Hey! You did that on purpose!" The purple filly yelled at the still-crouched Applebloom.
"How would ah be able to do that?!" Applebloom retorted.
"I don't know, you're a bird sympathizer!"
"Why would ah help the things tryna crush us?!"
"Umm... guys...?" Snails said, his back against a window. The others looked to him and his partner, Snips, while they were meant to be guarding the various open windows. "They're not attacking anymore..."
Looking out the windows, the birds slowly rolled backwards. Either into the hedge and forest behind, or down the road into Ponyville. One by one, they disappeared out of sight. The attacks stopped, and the classroom was left in an eerie silence. Scootaloo tried poking her head out to take a look, but the window was jammed too narrowly to fit through.
In their place, dozens of 'normal' crows and ravens came. Adorning the swings, see-saw, climbing frame and general playground, flocks of black birds sat in wait. The silent beaks only added to the creepiness, the overwhelming feeling of uneasiness reflecting through their beady eyes.
The playground was covered in black, each and every spot filled with the somber presence. The children looked to Cheerilee for guidance, or an encouraging word, but got the equivalent of a shrug through her frozen face.
"O...kay, children," Cheerilee said carefully, "Let's try and ignore them and get back to our studies?" Cheerilee suggested. The few remaining desks and chairs that weren't used as defensive equipment were quickly stolen as they gathered around Cheerilee.
"Aww, but I don't want to do algebra when it's the end of the world!" Sweetie Belle complained.
"Now, now, Sweetie Belle, that's not confirmed yet," Cheerilee said, walking back behind her desk and rummaging around inside. "Maybe some fractions?" She offered with a sheepish smile, pulling out a thick text book.
"AWW," Applebloom groaned louder, flopping her head on her desk.
"Fine!" Cheerilee said, annoyed at the lack of enthusiasm. "Literature then." She turned to her chalkboard and began writing. "Nopony can go wrong with ManeBeth!"
"Urghhhh..." A distant voice moaned.
Cheerilee sighed, and turned around. "Let me guess, Scootaloo, you have a problem with ManeBeth?"
"Huh? I didn't say anything!" Scootaloo whined, looking at all her classmates that were gawking at her.
The class went silent, and glanced around the dishevelled room. Nopony was making a sound, which is when a pained moan pierced the cadaverous, dead air. Following that was a cacophony of repeated wailing. Hoarse, guttural voices cried from outside, raising in volume.
To add to the already grievous atmosphere, the bird cries signalled the incoming attack, as they were besieged on all sides from the battering and shredding hooves.
"Zombies!" Snips yelled in fright as they came into view, harassing the home-made defences. Pale-faces, a terrible stench, rotting flesh and hung-out arms, they seemed to fit the classic description of zombies.
Through the windows there seemed to be a floating figure commanding the zombies. It was attired with a full black, leather coat and a pair of sunglasses adorning it's head. It slicked back it's uneven horns and cackled to itself.
Pulling down it's glasses to reveal a pair of burning red eyes, the male voice said, "Complete. Global. Chaos." A wicked smile flashed his set of gleaming white, but uneven, teeth, and he disappeared, allowing the zombies to continue.
The class was in disarray, most backing into the walls, as far away from the attackers as possible.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Zombie Hunters!" The trio of adventurous fillies shouted in unison, and began preparing for a surreal fight. They each charged to a window before the zombies could slither through, and, with either with a weapon of some sort or their bare hooves, held them back.
Cheerilee watched in half-worry, half-amazement as Applebloom bucked a zombie through the window and into it's friends. On impacting the floor, the group of defeated zombies bubbled and melted, before reforming into green jell-o.
With not much of a choice, Cheerilee joined in, slapping the zombies with her ever-lasting supply of textbooks. Cheerilee was worried that this was a bad influence on the other kids, but the onslaught didn't appear keen on negotiating.
Scootaloo, simply prodding the shuffling horde with a broomstick, seemed to be keeping them back well, but the numbers were growing as they converged around the quarantined building.
The growing smashes of the classroom's side door weren't doing well for morale, but Truffle's one-pony defense system of sitting down in front of it was holding steadfast.
Even Diamond Tiara was getting in on the action, taking out the pent-up aggression of losing her crown, and being surrounded by foals unworthy of her presence, on the stumbling masses by firing bits of stationary from Silver Spoon's back with a ruler.
Clashing together the two board erasers, the cloud of smoke enveloped the group of zombies at Sweetie Belle's window. They were intact enough to suffer from the effects of coughing, flailing their hooves around in reponse aimlessly and hitting each other.
As quick as it began, it seemed they were already being overrun. Part of the class' left wall came down in reaction to the overpowering numbers. Crumbling together underneath the zombie hooves, the brick and mortar melted into a paste of whipped cream.
The crusaders were forced to abandon their own positions in order to quell the invading intruders converging on Cheerilee. The bucking, throwing and pushing eventually suppressed Cheerilee's raiders, just in time for every other wall to be annihilated. The tremendous collapsing of half the school barely drowned out the anxious moans of the zombies.
Backing up to the rest of the cowering children, the crusaders and Cheerilee hit the final standing wall.
"Okay everypony, into the hall!" Cheerilee called out, and started to lead them to the main hall door.
Through there, she hoped, they could hide out in another classroom or make a sprint for Ponyville. The zombies had yet to uncover the main entrance, so far they had only opted to attack individual classrooms. It didn't look like they had much time, especially as the structure was apparently reinforced with dessert rather than cement.
Hastily opening the door and ushering in the children first, Cheerilee made her way into what was supposed to be the school hallway. Closing the door behind her, she turned to see a complete change of scenery.
"Well, this is... strange..." She muttered as the children wandered around the new room.
It was like an industrial sized garage, where the heaviest of heavy-duty carriages were made for shipping and transport. The massive openness only gave way to a ton of stacked metals, engineering equipment on scattered mobile toolboxes, and support pillars being raised high to the roof.
The polished black floor went on far longer than the school actually was, as well as the incredible height scaling the brick walls. To think this was behind them the entire time was insane, but then again, everything that happened today was pretty unusual.
Blow-torches, monkey wrenches, and dangling lights didn't help make this any safer for the children to be deviating through, but Cheerilee was far too occupied in staring at the slowly lowering leviathan of a carriage.
Hanging by metal chains thicker than herself, Cheerilee gawked at the armoured yellow school-carriage. Gleaming steel plated sides, chain-link fence windows, a snow-plough for a front bumper, and a barbed wire covered roof. A mobile bunker of safety, the carriage's military-style accessories only made it more appealing in a zombie apocalypse.
Perhaps what made the monster most intimidating though was it's wheels, or lack thereof. There were only two either side, supporting the entire thing, encompassed by a rolling caterpillar track of metal.
The others must have caught on to what Cheerilee was staring at, as now the entire class was looking upwards at the behemoth. Watching in silence, it dropped the rest of the short way, it's impact still managing to reverberate through the ground.
"What IS that?" Applebloom asked nopony in particular, circling and inspecting it.
"It looks like the old school carriage has got a few modifications..." Cheerilee said.
"I'll say," Scootaloo said as she pounced onto one of the giant tracks.
"Get down from there!" Cheerilee warned, "We have no idea what it could do!"
"What's the worst that could happen?" Scootaloo asked, leaning on it's ice-cold armour.
The mechanical beast roared, coming to life and echoing throughout the room. Scootaloo jumped off in fear as it began a steady, low chugging sound. Unexpectedly, it didn't move or attack them, it sat patiently, thudding regularly as the machinery inside ached for freedom.
"What is it? What is it doing?!" Scootaloo asked frantically.
After a moment of thought, Cheerilee smiled. "Ah, it's motorized!" The children stared at her dumbfounded as she approached it. "Just like Flim and Flam's contraption." Except this would probably win in a game of chicken.
The door behind them fell, letting in the swarm of zombies. They filled the room almost instantly, and this time, were accompanied by several other monstrosities. They were green cuboids with angry faces, walking on small, square feet.
"Oh yeah," Sweetie Belle said. "I forgot we were being chased."
"Everyone on the bus?" Scootaloo asked, secretly hoping they would be able to ride it, providing it was safe.
"We don't have much of a choice," Cheerilee said, and began helping the children up and into the armoured colossus.
"Yes! I call driver!" Scootaloo yelled, scrambling into the machine.
"What exactly would make you qualified for that, Scootaloo?" Cheerilee asked, amused.
"I can ride a scooter pretty well..."
With not much experience otherwise, this was the closest they could possibly get. "....Fair enough."
Climbing the dangerous equipment, and through the more-or-less normal doors, Cheerilee's class found their way inside the carriage. The interior appeared average, no deadly spikes or rusting metal, just a bunch of seats in which the dozen fillies and colts could take their place on.
The step-shuffling ghouls had reached the carriage, but were rendered useless, unable to climb the metal tracks or figure out the door mechanism that Scootaloo had closed. It didn't stop them from scratching, and even chewing, at the yellow titan though. Knocking at the chain-enforced windows, the zombies looked as though they were pouting to the children inside, who were happily mocking their failure.
The green cuboids had different plans however, self-destructing right next to the machine. It's armour held fine though, and the only damage was done to the surrounding zombies.
As she sat just behind the driver seat, Cheerilee had to wonder why she was currently letting Scootaloo do this. Surely, being taller gave her an advantage, and didn't Scootaloo have a history of ending up covered in tree sap when on the road? It must of been something in the air that allowed it to pass her mind freely. Lying back against the cushy chair, Cheerilee relaxed as Scootaloo's friends came to help.
"Okay, let's see what we got here," Scootaloo said, admiring the complex dashboard of buttons and a single, huge driving wheel.
"Boop," Sweetie Belle said as she pressed a random button. In front of them now appeared the wind-shield wipers, gently pushing away the zombies trying to scratch their way inside. "Well, it kinda helped." Pushing another random button lead to two large fuzzy purple dice dropping from above, a refreshing scent wafting from them.
Applebloom was first to spot the two pedals underneath, they had an incredibly simple design, almost like they were created for fillies. One was labelled 'go', and another, 'less go'.
"Scoots, I found the driving thing!" Applebloom said, and pointed her orange friend below.
Scootaloo took notice and tried to reach her small leg to the accelerate pad, but the drivers seat she was on had raised her far too high to be able to even touch it.
"Can't reach, you'll have to do it. I'll steer, you drive, and Sweetie Belle..." She looked to her white friend, currently possessed to find out each and every function on the dashboard. "See if this thing's got any tunes!"
They all gave a salute before going to their posts. Before Applebloom could even crouch down to drive, Sweetie Belle pressed a button which abruptly disengaged the snow-plough connecting to the bumper and flung it into the wall ahead of them. Smashing through the concrete wall, and taking quite a few zombies with it, a perfect escape was made for them.
Finally on the move, the rumbling tank growled as the tracks began turning. A massive collection of smoke fired from the back and circulated through the garage before turning to frogs and hopping away. So it ran on frogs. Or something.
It gradually increased it's pace, clearing the wall like it was made of cards, which the structure suddenly became before toppling. On the free road, there was either the route to Canterlot, or Ponyville. Not needing to think twice, Scootaloo shifted it's direction to Ponyville.
Taking up the entire road, it rolled ominously into what must of been the centre of attention. It always was. Still, if anyone could fix whatever had happened, it would be the elements.
"Scootaloo! Your cutie mark's appeared!" Sweetie Belle yelled unexpectedly, prompting her to immediately look for it. It wasn't as if the tank would run off the road straight away, so she had time to admire her talent of being...
"A chicken?! What kinda dumb cutie mark is that?" Scootaloo complained angrily, looking at the white bird on her flank.
"Maybe you're 'sposed to be a chicken farmer," Applebloom suggested, coming up from the pedals as the vehicle went down a small inclination on the hill.
"That's stupid! Why would I get it now if I haven't been anywhere near a chicken?"
"I wouldn't trust anything that happens here, girls," Cheerilee interrupted, tiredly examining the outside world in all of it's deranged glory. "It's probably just a temporary fake."
"It better be," Scootaloo scowled. Before she put her eye back on the wheel, she double-took and saw that Sweetie's was in the process of appearing. "Here comes yours, Sweetie Belle," She informed, disinterested and annoyed at hers. Not even magical chaos would give her a break.
They crowded around Sweetie Belle as the sparks faded, revealing quite a complex cutie mark.
"Is that..." Scootaloo started, the interest returning and a general amazement about her face.
"It looks like a..." Applebloom tried to find the appropriate words.
"A raptor riding on jet-skis while juggling chainsaws and shooting lasers out of it's eyes...?" Sweetie Belle concluded.
"Okay, temporary or not, that's pretty cool," Scootaloo said. "Better than a chicken anyway," She muttered to herself before going back to the wheel.
Sweetie Belle started deciding between buttons one more, as Applebloom was left waiting for her temporary mark to show up. Nothing was showing, but judging by the others, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing.
A big red button that was pressed seemed to dispense custard from the barbed-wired roof. Suddenly it wasn't all that intimidating anymore. Sprinkling the thick, yellow liquid across the road to Ponyville, beware: the custard cavalry was inbound.
Coming off the slope and into town, they could now see the town square with it's illogical defenses. Beneath the tough tracks was an attempt at a minefield, small explosions failing to even scratch the paint as they continued on.
And, unless the objective for the mutant mushrooms ahead was to be crushed, they failed at impeding the crusader's progress. In fact, a certain red one only acted to increase their overall size, the tank expanding outwards and claiming more land.
"Well, I'll say this is certainly performing above expectations," A male voice said. The three crusaders looked at each other to try and determine the source of the voice, and only after looking at Applebloom could they find it.
"What?" Applebloom asked, slightly worried. "Is there something on me?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle turned to each other and back to her.
"Yes." They both said simply.
Examining her flank, Applebloom found both her cutie mark and the source of the voice. A sly-looking creature was indented as her cutie mark, walking about his new home freely.
"Hey, he looks like the spirit of disharmony statue we saw at the gardens!" Sweetie Belle said.
Cheerilee watched on from the back in silence, the pressure of this was overwhelming. First fighting off birds, then zombies, hijacking... something, and crushing everything in it's path. It was best to just sit this one out.
"Clever, clever girl," The draconequues clapped. "Discord, at my own service." He walked around Applebloom's body in his miniature form. "How do you like my invention? I call it the Discordmobile... or Betsy. One of those. It's still in the trial run, but boy have you been putting it through it's paces!"
"Demolishing your school, defeating all those zombies, scaring the few sane ponies away from Ponyville with it. You three would make great little agents of chaos, I'm just throwing it out there. I'll let you think about that while you're busy crashing."
Snapping his fingers, he disappeared as the crusaders looked up to see a building directly ahead of them. Holding out their hooves in a pointless attempt to stop the thunderous force, they screamed as yet another wall was vaporised. At least this didn't turn into cards.
The wall fell into crumbling debris and clouds of smoke spread out around them as the Discordmobile stopped. Staggering to their hooves, the crusaders groaned as the excitement of driving this thing seemed to be wearing off. Pressing the wind-shield wiper button, Sweetie Belle wiped away the matted window smoke.
The protective glass cleared, revealing that same cocky creature getting a manicure from two spa workers. Lying down in a comfortable massage chair, he was grinning to himself as the crusaders announced their arrival. At least the workers had the decency to be shocked at the sudden destruction of their business.
The blue and pink mares uneasily restarted grinding down Discord's claws with a pair buzzsaws as he spoke to the crusaders.
"Ah, finally. I've got to tell you, I'm not one for doing anything at all for incredibly long periods of time..." He paused, reflecting on the darker, previous few thousand years of his life. "But treatment like this would make it bearable indeed."
The crusaders just watched awkwardly as the draconequues revelled in his relaxation.
"Oh. Right. Chaos. Well, if you turn around my three little fillies, you may notice a distinct lack of classmates and/or teacher."
They turned around carefully and, sure enough, they were nowhere to be seen. Unless there was some hidden emergency exit at the back, it would be impossible to escape. They had no words to say, the absurdness of everything going on around them now affecting their state of mind.
"Don't worry, they'll be fine. Probably." He was suddenly sidetracked as the blue mare on his right side finished polishing his nails. "Lotus, would you be so kind as to give my face a waxing?"
"...You want me to... wax... your face?" She asked, confused.
"If it's not too much trouble."
Accepting the strange order, she briefly went into a case of supplies and retrieved the waxing strips. Everypony watched in silence and utter confusion, unable to say or do much else.
Placing the strip vertically across his face, Lotus looked to her partner for confirmation. The pink mare shrugged, unable to comprehend anything at all.
Swiftly ripping it from him, embedded on the was strip was his face. His eyeless, toothless, nose-less head moved as the waxing strip spoke, handling his facial expressions. Lotus held it away from her as it dangled in mid-air.
"Ouch, they don't lie, that does sting!"
The others watched his faceless head in fear as it moved. It was like something out of a horror movie, you wouldn't want that chasing you in a dark forest.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" The strip smirked before breaking out laughing. "Haha, oh, I kill me." Seeing that the others didn't seem to find it so funny, he moved on. "Gee, it's the usual crowd. No sense of humour," He sighed.
"Let's get on with it then, I suppose. I'm kidnapping you."
Or what I like to call: 'Extended Chronological Screwery'...
"This must be some town festival or something, right?" Flim asked, stood atop the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.
Staring over the small town, the two beige brothers watched as Ponyville was washed in a mess of incoherent colours, surrounded by levitating disco balls and leading into the climax at the centre of town, where a tunnel of water shot into the sky. Ponies could be seen surfboarding up it, in defiance to petty gravity as they floated straight up.
"I don't know, brother, that blimp pig is beginning to scare me," Flam responded, the mile-high pig glaring at him with piercing red eyes. "We should skip this place."
"Flam, do you have any idea how far the next town along is?"
"Not very far, Flim."
"Exactly, but we're almost out of gas. We don't have a choice here, brother."
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy let out a pained chugging sound, groaning as it hobbled down the road into Ponyville. Granted, it wasn't in ideal shape for a performance, it would still be enough to blow away whatever trace of competition there was. The cider-making and the actual acceleration were two different things, the former only dependant on magic and occasional maintenance.
The wheels had suddenly morphed into squares, now sliding gradually down a soap-covered path instead of actual driving.
"Um..." Flim said, confused at the impromptu change.
"Positives, think positives, brother! It's an upgrade!" The moustachioed stallion suggested.
"Call me old-fashioned then, but I prefer my wheels circular!" He said, a beam of green magic shooting from his horn to fix the squares.
Looking ahead, that torrent of water abruptly collapsed, leaving the surfers to fall into a giant safety-net trampoline.
A blue spark stabbed the sky, beginning a decent unbeknownst to the two brothers. Burning, the object steadily became an increasing threat, piercing the cotton clouds and leaving a trail of fire in the sky.
Serrating the floor, the object impaled the ground ahead of them with a hollow thud, lodging itself in the soapy dirt. It blocked the continuing path of their vehicle, the Cider Squeezy gently colliding with it at minimal speed. The brothers shared a shrug, focusing on the oddity.
It was a blue pod, engraved with a white marking, 'N7'. The metals composing it shifted and squeaked as it began to open, the front hatch slowly lowering. In anticipation, Flim and Flam hid behind their mobile couch.
Aside from pieces of navy blue armour, revealed was nothing but vacancy, the backing wall meeting their eyes and successfully killing the tension.
"I'm Commander Nightmare, and this is my favourite escape pod on the moon," A slightly distorted voice said from the confines of the pod. Nothing was there though, the pre-recorded message cut out and died as quickly as it began.
They expected something else, the two cons waiting silently for a bigger grandeur of a spectacle coming from such a high-maintenance endeavour.
"Well, that was anti-climactic..." Flam pointed out, now maneuvering the wooden mammoth around the misplaced tin can.
It continued on the now-watermelon swamped road, wary of any other disturbances to be had. Flim took notice of the many fruits they were wading through, leading all the way into town.
"I don't think this is your average town festival, Flam."
"What makes you say that, Flim?" Flam asked, turning to meet his brother's eye. Flam's once-great red moustache had moved up onto his forehead, now connecting his two eyebrows.
"... Just a... hunch, brother," Flim finished, taking off his hat and scratching his head before going back to watch the road.
The humming of the machine faded, leaving the vehicle at a standstill as it's aching gears coughed before shutting down.
"Oh, for goodness sake. Looks like we're hoofin' it, brother," Flam said, itching his mono-brow.
"Let's hurry then, I don't like the look of those sheep." To their left, there was a collection of sheep crowding together to form some kind of woolly, transforming robot.
Marching onwards, various ponies seemed to appear from nowhere, shuffling past them mindlessly in and out of town, like it was a zombie's version of rush-hour. The brothers tried to take little notice, moving further into the town, but the masses looked like they were gathering around them. Or, at least, Flam.
"Do these ponies seem a bit... off, to you, brother?" Flim asked as the crowds dispersed. Turning his head to see Flam, he was met with a robotic stare and a green blob attached to his brother's head, holding up his straw hat as it sucked the contents of his mind.
"I have no idea what you are talking about, brother, here, have a brain slug," Flam held out his hoof, offering another brain slug to his partner.
Flim's automatic response was to smack both the one out of his hand and off his head, leaving them squirming on the floor.
"Did you say something, brother?" Flam asked casually.
"N-... no, nothing, let's go..." Flim said, wiping some sweat from his two separate eyebrows. Maybe being around cider all the time was fermenting his brain.
He didn't know what, perhaps it was all the madness, but something was getting to him. The brittle walls of reality were crumbling around his peripheral vision as he saw a pride of dancing manticore wearing burlesque clothing. He didn't know what was revealing and what wasn't for a manticore, but surely they were currently attired inappropriately.
"Hey, brother, look! Daring Do book signings!" Flam pointed out, indicating towards a cheap wooden stand with a collection of dogs in line. The sign was painted in a sloppy red, 'Ahuitzotl Autographs'. "You like the books, don't you?"
"Y-yes but, he isn't real, brother. At least, he's not supposed to be."
Flam was already in line though, he wouldn't let a sudden cloud of shyness ruin his brother's parade. He would get his autograph. Flim reluctantly joined, if only to speed up this entire process. It was safe to say something was askew here.
Behind a horde of dogs, all varying in size and clothing, they waited, the pockets filled to the brim with gems. Eager to test the sharpness of his silver tongue, Flam went into his bargaining mode. Sure, they worked better as a team, but there was nothing stopping an individual investment.
"Say there, pally," Flam started, getting the dog in front of him to turn around by prodding his back with an elbow. "I've got a little proposition for you."
Diamond Dogs were not the most intelligent species, Flam knew. Then again, they were attending a book-signing, maybe literature and scavenging went hand-in-hand. Either way, the grey-coated dog was smart enough to clearly see something was wrong with Flam's head.
"What's wrong with your eyebrows?" He asked gruffly.
Raising a hoof to his forehead, Flam felt the unibrow, and after moving down, his lack of moustache. A brief look of horror adorned his face, but he recomposed his self hastily, going back to the salespony he was.
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, as I was saying, do you realise how fast the value of those gems right there depreciates?"
"Um... no," He responded, looking sadly at his collection.
"Not many do, which is why I'm willing to take them off your paws! With me, I can promise they'll be looked after, the value has nowhere to go but up with the Super Speedy Diamond Smasher 9000 over there!" He said, pointing to the cider-maker.
"Diamond smasher?" He asked, worried.
"Oh, don't worry, our machine over there has the power to liquidate, yes, liquidate even diamonds! Afterwards, it's simply a matter of re-shaping them and BAM! They're as good as when you pulled them from the ground!"
"I don't know..." He pouted, looking to his friends who seemed to be in support of the idea.
"Well, I'm not one to leave you high and dry, I'll throw in my two-of-a-kind hat, just for you, my friend!" Taking off his hat and offering it to him, the other dogs nodded their support, and the transaction was complete. Lifting out his pockets, Flam was rewarded with rubies, emeralds, amethysts and diamonds in exchange for a hat.
"Hey, you can't be doing business on my turf!" A voice called out from the front, and the line of dogs parted to make way for the monkey-like creature. A mix of cyan and navy in his coat, he had three extremities that grew digits. Two where his paws, or hooves, should be, and one on his tail, grasping a quill.
"Business?! How is this book-signing profitable?" Flam asked, his mane dishevelled from the battering of extraordinary events in the short time here he received.
"I'm charging ten bits each!" His foreign accent claimed in an evil happiness.
"Ten bits for an autograph of a fictional character? Even we aren't that big scoundrels! Come on, brother, we'll take our business elsewhere!" Flam exclaimed, dragging his brother along.
Detaching herself from the underside of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy, Trixie fell to the cushioned watermelon floor. Yes, the nap may have impeded progress slightly, but the Great and Powerful Trixie would need to appear her best for her returning début to Ponyville. Beauty sleep was essential, even when right next to various exhaust pipes.
Granted, it wasn't near enough an appropriate entrance for a pony of her stature, but it would be unnecessary to put a strain on her hooves before a performance. All that was left was to equip her outfit, which she promptly did, and find a suitable area for a show. She didn't need a caravan, nor any props, she was Trixie, possessions came and went at her whim, they were unimportant.
Looking at the town that shunned her a while ago, she had to wipe the sleep from her eyes to validate reality. No matter, a few pig blimps here and upside-down volcanoes there wouldn't stop her from interrupting a silly celebration.
Going down the same route she saw her red-headed chauffeurs escape with, she had to think whether this spectacle was in honour of her arrival. Obviously not, they had no idea of her return, nor she assumed, would they want it, but that was fine, it was quite easy to shove magic down one's throat, there was no physical manifestation needed.
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a raised tower holding up a spotlight. Behind that was a curtain, but the rest faded out of view as she looked further down the path it was on. Some kind of stage, already set up? Perfect, Trixie was sure that the owner would yield to her honeyed words when asked.
"What do you mean, assertiveness seminar?!" Chrysalis yelled, her horn glowing green with fury.
"I mean, ASSERTIVENESS SEMINAR!" The minotaur yelled, nearly blowing Chrysalis off her feet were it not for the anger that kept her grounded. "You should feel lucky that Iron Will has chosen your minions for stage construction!" He wiped his hand over the mass of changelings that were busy creating support beams for the stage, setting up the smoke dispensers and other mundane tasks needed of the black horde.
"Minions! You will return to the hive, at once!" Chrysalis boomed, amplifying her voice magically.
The minions looked to each other awkwardly, mentally discussing it through looks of fear and worry. Half of them split off from the workers and tried to return to their queen, only to be stopped by Iron Will's mighty arm.
"Somepony disagrees, bring them to their knees!" Iron Will roared, backing up in preparation of a mighty gore with his horns.
Chrysalis squinted her eyes as he built up his distance, and, from somewhere, a red cape appeared in her dark hooves. Taking the stance of a matador, she held her breath in anticipation of the charge, holding the fabric to her side.
He rushed her, but was easily distracted by the tempting red material, Chrysalis easily dodging the first attack. The changelings watched amused, but not quite sure on who to root for.
A crash sounded, and the Flim Flam brothers were in the centre of the arena. They were sat, completely broken to the trials they had been through in the past three minutes, in the midst of a wooden wreckage that once might have looked like a boat.
They were bruised, messy, drenched in water, tired and in need of clothes, as the ones they were wearing were near completely ripped off their backs.
"I told you not to trust the king of the crab people, brother!" Flim complained.
"Tell me Flam, how was I supposed to know he was plotting to overthrow the Republic of Dave?!"
Every changeling, and minotaur's, attention was grabbed by the abrupt interruption, they were all looking at the two beached brothers as they sat in realization that they weren't in Kansas anymore.
"Game faces, Flim."
"Game faces, Flam."
Flim put on his hat, and Flam brought forth a cane, but, for the life of them, they couldn't think of any musical numbers. They stood dumbfounded, still mentally hurt from whatever was going on.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived!" The blue mare announced her presence, entering the construction site and attracting the attention of everyone. Another one for the loony bin. "Who must I inform that the Great and Powerful Trixie is taking control of the stage?"
"Ha ha ha ha," Chrysalis began, "Great and powerful, you?" She trotted up closer to the egotistical mare, the size difference showing well face-to-face. "You arrogant little foal, at half my power you would still be nothing but a whelp!"
"With those Swiss-cheese legs, Trixie wouldn't be surprised your power would cause you to crumble. Too much for your tattered body?" She smiled slyly, showing off her intact hooves.
"Disrespectful foal! What kind of mother would raise such-..." Chrysalis was cut off by Iron Will pushing between them both.
"Hey, hey now, there ain't no need to bring anyone's mom into this!" The minotaur said wisely.
Grumbling, Chrysalis accepted, trotting away from them in defeat. It was probably best to not annoy those muscles, which Trixie had taken an interest in. Iron Will took notice of her, admiring his physique. Batting her eyelashes at him, she circled the large powerhouse. Iron Will stared, chasing her tail with his head as he followed the mare.
"Iron Will has never seen a mare as sassy as yourself, such confidence. Assertiveness," Iron Will said, bringing them both to a standstill.
"Trixie has never seen someone who refers to themself in the third person. A creature of your caliber, it only seems fitting."
Flim, Flam and Chrysalis watched on awkwardly at the rapidly progressing romance. There was definitely something in the air, the randomness of these situations was bizarre. It was about to get weirder.
Scooping her up in an embrace, the minotaur's heavy arm easily lifted the mare to his face. Extended muzzles, their lips pressed together, joining the two kindred souls. Flam's moustache fell off in amazement.
The changelings started clapping their hooves together and onto the floor, creating an applause that echoed throughout Ponyville. Short of anything else to do, Flim and Flam joined, while Chrysalis still remained hurt from the cheese comment.
The applause seemed to summon something, the noises of joining hooves being drowned out by a raucous laughter. As the applause came to a halt, the laughter only increased, making everyone, apart from the two still kissing, look around in confusion.
The draconequues appeared, doubled over in laughter, but still floating in the air. It did nothing to stop the intense makeout session, but was enough to attract everyone else's attention.
"Oh my, oh my, this was completely unprecedented!" He wiped a tear from his eye that swept away a few changelings in a tidal wave. "I mean, I know chaos does funny things to a pony's heart but... WOW! I did not see this coming."
"What the hay is going on here?" Flim mumbled to his brother.
"Now you ask?!" Flam said.
"Well, gentlecolts," Discord began, appearing behind them and resting his arms on them. "Oh, wait, what kind of villain would I be if I gave away my plan?"
They didn't respond, shifting tensely underneath his scaly arms.
"Exactly, a cliché one! So here it is: chaos. Plain and disjointed. In your frazzled state of minds though, I'm sure you won't understand my side-plan, and I guess I'm quite eager to get it off my chest."
He disappeared, leaving the ponies wrapped in straight-jackets before reappearing. No matter what, Trixie and Iron Will were still going at it.
"I'm turning you insane," He smiled, break-dancing in mid-air. "Because, let's be honest, what's the point in ruling an empire dedicated to chaos and absurdness if your public aren't willing to embrace it for themselves?"
"Can you imagine how aggravating it would be trying to set up a trade agreement with the banana king only to have it pushed aside by the people demanding lower taxes on their eyes? They'll accept their five percent eye tax and they'll enjoy it!"
"So, while making sure those adorable elements don't get in the way, I've been abducting pockets of you, only to have them released back into the 'civilised' world, ready to spread the insanity when I'm supreme overlord. It's really quite genius if I do say so myself."
A green glow connected Chrysalis to Trixie and Iron Will, enveloping the two up in the air while she sat in complete ecstasy. Laughing, Chrysalis' aura intensified, sparks flying off in every corner as she began floating too.
"Somehow, I don't think that plan will come to fruition," She said, feeding on the love of the two still-intensely-kissing egotists.
Aiming at Discord, Chrysalis blasted a stream of... popsicles from her horn.
"What?!" She said, the glow fading in reaction to her failure.
"Chaotic love, dear. You have no power here." Bouncing off his body, Discord caught a paw-ful of popsicles before devouring them all in one. In response, his head turned into an ice cube. "Ah, don't you love brain-freeze?"
"Alright, who's coming with me? I've got a van full of candy and fillies waiting," He finished.
Sliding open the cloudy white door to his van, Discord delivered exactly as promised: fillies and candy.
The cutie mark crusaders were gorging themselves on mounds of colourful, unhealthy sweets and chocolate, literally swimming in the stuff to get to the other side of the vehicle where more waited. The small, overhanging bellies continued to be stuffed as Flim and Flam looked on, horrified.
"Discord! What did you put into this stuff!? It's great!" Scootaloo said, muffled over mouthfuls of candy.
"Magical, mind-numbing poison!" Discord said happily, taking one for himself.
Chewing it slower, but still taking more, it didn't act as much of a deterrent.
"Tastes like cherryade," Applebloom pointed out.
"Yes, funny thing with poisons, they all taste delicious! You should try some cyanide, it has a remarkably lemony aftertaste," Discord finished his advice on health and looked to Flim and Flam, who in turn stared back at him. "Well? Come along now, we don't have all day," He said, pointing them inside the van.
"Can we... refuse?" Flim asked delicately.
"Oh sure... sure. But, y'know, if you look down you might want to rethink that."
Following his hint, they saw that the once-fluffy cloud layer that somehow used to hold them had vanished, leaving them floating by either magic or some invisible platform. After looking down, Flam immediately jumped into the vehicle.
Flim, slightly more composed, stared at his brother, confused.
"I don't like heights, brother."
"See? He has the right idea, 'brother'. Now, unless your insurance policy covers becoming one with the ground..." He said as he brought his hands together in a spiritual pose. "...You'll get in the van," He finished rather grimly, pointing over his shoulder.
Gulping, Flim nodded and swam his way through the candy next to his brother. Sitting at the opposite sides of the vehicle, they watched as the fillies took little notice due to the stocks of candy.
Appearing in the driver's seat, Discord took hold of the wheel and started off their adventure.
"Funny thing about this van," Discord started, "It used to be a limousine. But, cost of living and all that... the economy being as it is, non-existent and replaced with ducks, I had to make sacrifices. The ducks were cracking down on me, so I downgraded."
Flim, being possibly the most sane of them all, could only bury himself deeper in the piles of food away from the incoherency that was Discord's story. He could feel himself slowly succumbing to this disease, it seemed so normal now, there were no longer boundaries that could determine what was deranged and what wasn't, Discord had replaced them with dancing toasters.
"What's this?" Sweetie Belle asked, knocking a hoof on a solid metal object that was uncovered after much eating.
It had a cylindrical green body, ending with a rounded head and a square tail. It looked very much like a rocket-shaped bomb, of which the three fillies were very experienced with thanks to countless afternoons spent in the arcade playing games like 'bomberstallion'.
"Oh, that's just a present for the ex-leaders of Equestria. I call it the 'little colt'. Think of it as a parting gift to thank them for so easily relinquishing control of the state. You... might want to stay away from the hatch under it. But hey, I won't stop you."
Sniffing it, Sweetie Belle reported back, "Smells really gross."
"There are many reasons for that. None of them sane. Don't touch it, this van doesn't have insurance."
The clunking sounds of armour successfully stirred the princess of the night once more out of her sleep. It was almost as if Celestia had planned the routes these guards patrolled, just so the metallic clashing would wake her up. Burying her head further into the pillow, and out of the way of the dim light seeping through her dark curtains, she heard a rip.
Holding her head up and regarding it with a deadpan face, she saw that her horn had in fact ripped the pillow's material, feathers gliding onto her face.
"Inferior fabric."
The sound of another regiment of troops passed down the corridor outside her room, and she lay on her side in preparation to get up. Surely, there was a reason they were disturbing her sleep so much. That and she wanted another pillow. Tiredly grunting, she sat up in bed and stared at the exit for a moment.
So far away...
Begrudgingly, she got up and walked to her door. Opening it, it suddenly caught a fleeing soldier off-guard, his head abruptly lodging inside the door. The golden helmet fell off as his unconscious head hung limp through the hole.
Awkwardly, worriedly, and embarrassed, Luna prodded the guard's head with a hoof. Definitely out cold. It wasn't her fault as much as it was the steadfast door, she told herself. Freeing his head with her magic, she lay him down in the corridor as she looked around.
Usually there was always at least one night-guard around Luna's room, now there was nothing but the cold, polished décor to greet her. It wasn't new recruit induction day, was it? Surely her room couldn't be that hard to find. Indeed, Luna's room stuck out like a sore thumb, the near-black shaded door penetrating the otherwise gleaming hall of white.
Finding nopony else, she decided to make a turn around the corner and head for wherever her sister might be at this point. As soon as she passed the corner of the corridor though, four guards, two night and two day, nearly bumped into her. Their perception was overwhelmed by a sense of urgency. Halting dead in their tracks, they saluted the princess of the night. It was unusual to see a mixed squad. They were allowed to socialize, of course, but duties between night and day were always kept separate.
"Guardsmen!" Luna addressed, "Why are the chambers so deserted? And why do I sense that something isn't right with your daily assignments?"
Panting, one of them took charge to reply. A day guard, taking off his helmet to reveal a set of cramped, silver hair that relished the opportunity of freedom, spoke, dropping most of his professionalism and enduring pretense to relay the problems.
"Where do we start, ma'am?" He spoke tiredly, and worriedly, with an overtone of confusion. The rest of his party seemed just as dazed by the ordeal, many of them looking back, agitated. "Something's happening with the castle, we've been trying to find your sister but we seem to be getting cut off at every chance."
"Specify, if you please: what exactly is happening?"
They all answered with various stand-alone words and quick phrases, talking over each other in a mess of unrelated words.
"Popcorn."
"Monkeys."
"Ghosts."
"Mudslides."
"Salmonella poisoning."
Luna cocked an eyebrow a step further up at each word, until it was nearly wrapped around her horn.
"Perhaps it would be best if we try and show you. Micawber," He addressed one of the two nightguards, "Protect Luna's flank."
Luna stabbed the guard with her eyes, forcing him to amend himself.
"No! As in... t-the rear, w-wait... um..." The guard stammered, shrinking under the dominant alicorn.
She chuckled to herself, "I understand what you mean guardsman, but are we under attack? Is the protection really necessary?"
Micawber, the night guard who now moved to defend Luna from any behind attacks, acknowledged, "Attacked is a word too organised, planned and aggressive. The mere diffusion of multiple threats, steadfast but untraceable, irritating but unrealistic, is what we fight. In short - we are fighting the aftermath of a mad dictator who knows they have already won," He finished solemnly.
"Speak Equestrian Mick," The leader said, starting the walk on what they hoped would be a safe trail through the maze that was the princesses home. "We have no idea. We're all split off from the uppers, sections of the castle are just falling apart. It's not an attack... just chaos."
The walls began waving from side-to-side as they walked past, like some kind of fun-house that intended to distort reality or scare the occupants. For anypony else, it might work, but the guards were composed and trained. Even in these circumstances, whatever they were, they stayed as the elite.
Or they were just used to what they were seeing.
The paintings of various authority figures adorned the walls they were passing as they went deeper through the halls. Family, foreign ambassadors and historic events indented the otherwise spotless walls, and they seemed to be watching them.
They continued, hoping to find Celestia and a safe zone, before attention was brought to the situation behind them.
The portraits had in fact been watching them, and now they were alive, bringing whatever was inside them to life also. Almost the entire zebra nation, meeting with ministers from Equestria, jumped from the picture. Fortunately, they didn't come out to a realistic scale. The pin-sized army charged them, the tiny war-cries congregating to match that of a single mouse squeak.
Like termites, they threatened to devour all in their way, prompting the group into alert. Something didn't feel right about simply squashing them, nor would they probably hold out against all of them. So, without needing any prompt from each other, they sprang around the corners and sprinted for safety.
It didn't take long for their unmatched strides to easily defeat the tiny rumbles left behind them. Once they were at sure-fire safety, they slowed to a casual walk.
"I think I see what you mean," Luna said to pierce the silence between the puzzled guards.
"The best is yet to come, I'm sure," The gold-studded, self-appointed leader warned.
Before they could even recover their breath, something was eager to prove that.
A faint sloshing, growing in volume as something washed over and clashed with the walls behind them, reverberated through the corridors. Fearfully turning, they met with a horrifically jovial sight.
"Now that's a mudslide," The guardsman said, pointing at the smiling, gaping maw of a monster.
Painting the walls brown as it passed, the flood of mud moved slowly, devouring everything it passed with it's viscous teeth. What made it truly terrifying was the gleeful, wide-open expression it wore as it came closer and closer. Trying to impede it, blasts of magic from everypony who was capable of doing so did nothing but show the dominance this monster had.
Nothing but holes that were simply reformed appeared in it, and it began laughing at the pitiful attempts. Bubbling and foaming, the mud could be shaped into whatever it chose. It made the shape of multiple eagles and fired them at the shocked group.
These, however, were more easily defeated by a single shockwave from Luna's horn. They melted into small pools of mud, but it still didn't dent the leader who was sloshing closer, gurgling with laughter.
The two unicorns of the group, both white day guards, no longer felt the need to keep up the futile attacks, and the leader ordered the other to cease. The other two, who were night pegasi, were left seeming pretty useless, as direct contact with the big blob looked dangerous. Everything it rolled over solidified and became encrusted in the ground; statues of brown would be left as their fate if they didn't run now.
In sync, the four stallions and Luna turned tail and ran. Luna was starting to regret the many expansion projects the castle had undergone. They passed marble busts depicting the evolution of the guard, each armed with a different stone weapon or piece of armour. The walls were oozing strawberry trifle as they ducked away from propelled balls of sludge.
Apparently angering the monster, it's dirty arms shot out at them, grabbing Micawber by the back legs. The beast stopped as it's arms moulded over the entirety of his bottom half. The leader ran to his aid, trying to saw the crusty mud off with magic or brute force. Now dragging him further from them and into the demon's mouth, the pegasi snatched a stone spear from a display guard as he slid gradually closer.
"I can't get you out of there, Mick, magic isn't doing anything!" The leader said, following him nearer to the impending fossilization. Like a light on reflective glass, magic just bounced off and into their surroundings. Trying to pull him also was fruitless, the brute's strength matched its size.
"Alas, the surly bonds of squalid disarray seemed to have claimed me, I appear forsaken by misfortunate duty," He said, still poetic and noble under the grimiest of circumstances as he grasped his friend's hooves, holding the spear under his wing.
"I didn't understand a word of that," He replied with a dark amusement.
"In short- I'll see you on the other side."
"The cafeteria?"
"Precisely."
"I hear it's an all-you-can-eat zebra-style tonight," He said, clinging on to the last fleeting moments of trivial conversation he could before their departure.
"Then my sacrifice shall not be in vain," He concluded, suddenly letting go of his friend's hooves and sliding towards the patient attacker.
Bringing the spear to his front, he aimed it straight forward as he adjusted the collision course.
"ADVANCE TOWARDS ME, BRETHREN!" They heard him cry before they turned to escape. A series of splashes and the crunching of dry mud later, they were now only surrounded by whimpers of silence.
They continued on, one stallion down and a mutual feeling of reluctance to continue in the air.
Not looking back to see the outcome, Luna had to wonder why they were taking this so dramatically. Worst case scenario, Micawber would be trapped in mud for a little while and then break free. Of course, night armour was a tough one to clean.
Was this all one of Celestia's elaborate tricks? Would she really be willing to sacrifice time to spend rehearsing a silly joke instead of ruling Equestria?
Yes, actually. That sounded likely.
Trotting through the eerily quiet kitchen, they decided to cut through it and into the main hall. If anywhere would be a secure zone, hopefully one with the highest concentration of guards would be.
Of course, it wasn't enough to have even the briefest of respites, as the toasters, pots, pans and cupboards were all singing to themselves. The blender, accompanied by microwave beeps and an electric whisk, were providing the beat while the utensils sang in their... metallic voices. A faint scratch was heard in their singing, the rust apparently having an effect on their magical voice-boxes.
An explosion, and the singing halted. Screams sounded from the hall as whatever was happening out there was far worse than in here. Officers barking orders and blasts of magic echoed through the walls, both a good and bad sign.
Rushing through the kitchen, they ended up at the second-floor of the main hall, watching over the anarchy from a balcony above.
On the plus side, they had found Luna's sister. On the negative though, she was about to be eaten by the royal sea-sponge.
Ginormous and somehow mobile, the sponge was the centre piece in this hall of madness. It was flanked by guards on all sides, all hitting it with whatever they could, desperately trying to free Celestia. Grasped in the sponge's yellow, gluttonous blobs of arms, Celestia was firing beam after beam of solar energy into what she hoped was its face.
"Bob, I command you to stop this instant!" Celestia yelled, but Bob simply waved her around in the air like a rattle. The top half of him morphed into an idiotic smile, which turned out to be his warning that she was going to end up there.
But it looked as though Bob's arms weren't all that tough to a mighty string of royal power, a navy blue slice of Luna's magic dissecting his primary arm. Celestia easily recovered in mid-air, flying closer to her sister as she kept Bob distracted with yellow lasers.
Bob was mournful at his lack of an arm, his once-cheery grin falling into one of despair. He tried picking up his arm and gluing it back on, completely ignoring or uncaring of the attacks he was receiving, but it wouldn't stick, repeatedly falling off each time a major blow struck him that wobbled his entire structure.
"Sister, thank goodness you're here!" Celestia said, landing next to her and her party.
"What in Equestria is going on?!" Luna said, understanding that this couldn't be a joke.
"Discord," She replied bitterly.
"Ah, I fail to see how that eluded me. This is clearly his work. Are we... well... going to win?"
"It's not down to us, our fate lies in the elements. Speaking of which..." Celestia finished as a guard carrying stacks of papers addressed her. On his back, hovering above him, in his mouth and under his hooves- he was covered with notes.
"The letters you ordered, Princess," He spoke, muffled.
Without even thanking him, Celestia fired an explosion of magic at his face, dissolving the letters around him and char-grilling his coat. He stood frazzled, utterly confused and disoriented by what happened.
"Thank you, guardsman, you may take the rest of this shift off as my apologies, speed was vital." She hoped Twilight would be on hand to receive them, but either way Spike would be coughing them up for a while.
He didn't responded, stuck in a haze of discombobulation thanks to her powerful magic.
"What?!" He asked loudly after a while, "Did you say something, Princess?"
Celestia paused, just as scared as he was now. Hopefully deafness was only temporary. She shook her head slowly, fear adorning her face, and he saluted her uneasily before going back to his duties as cannon fodder for Bob.
"We shall cross that bridge when we come to it," Celestia said, adjusting back to her sister. "For now, our priority... you have a moustache..." Celestia finished, interrupting herself.
Her face contorting in alarm, Luna smacked a hoof to just beneath her nose and found a bushy line of hair. Matching her darker shade of hair colour, it was now forming a goatee around her chin.
"I realise why we hate Discord so much now, sister," She said, choosing to ignore the rapid growth rather than satisfy the draconequues with a reaction to it.
"Yes..." Celestia said, completely entranced by her sister's brand new mutton-chops. "Anyway, as I was saying, we need to concentrate on containing Bob."
"I told you we should have just got a cat."
"Well, forgive me for being unable to foresee Bob taking on such a growth spurt. Rather like you," Celestia said, poking her sister's black beard.
"Humorous in times of distress, aren't we?"
Meanwhile, the guards were still busy not making an inch of progress. Surprisingly, the sponge was spongy, Bob simply absorbed weapons and magic alike as if they were water. All they seemed to be doing was anger the pet more, now head-butting the floor around him and shaking the structure.
The eruption resulted in the chandelier and part of the ceiling dropping straight on Bob's head. Further damaging his ego, Bob looked as though he wanted to let out a roar, but couldn't. He could only create a set of eyebrows and frown intently.
One by one, the guards were being devoured by Bob. Absorbing them too, was a cinch for the behemoth. Disgusting sucking noises swept the large hall as Bob's vacuum-like mouth went to work, staining the impeccable floor with a long line of saliva.
Many of the guards saw this as their time to retreat, back into the other, smaller rooms where more peculiarities would be waiting for them.
Yet another thing sounded its ominous presence throughout the castle. As if something else could go wrong. For Luna, it was familiar: a sloshing, watery sound whistled from the direction she entered the plaza from.
The sloshing became a trembling, similar to Bob's reverberations, and even the sponge himself stopped to take notice.
Crashing down in an instant, the entire wall next to the princesses was levelled. Through it came charging the maniacal mud monster, and on top of its back was a night-guard, matted in dirt, ordering him to attack with a spear raised over his head.
"En guard, you unfathomable mass!" Micawber shouted.
Confused, Bob launched his arms at the advancing brown mudslide, only to be caught in Micawber's new pet's mouth. Chewing the yellow sponge, the mudslide spread its virus up Bob's arms and into his core, tainting and cementing them both into place. All that was left of the abrupt battle was a stiff body of joined mass, fearsome, but frozen in pace like an ode to this day.
The guards cheered, the battle belonging to them, or more specifically, Micawber, who was currently stuck elevated on his mount's fixed figure. His legs were jammed in the mud-monument, restricting him from flying off and joining the rest of his friends.
The princesses watched on as if it was a dream. Discord didn't even need to be the puppet master to control such lunacy, he just had to give them the tools to create their own.
"Alright, somepony get the stick," The leader called out to whoever was closest to the utility closet underneath the huge set of stairs. "We gotta get Mick down."
"I daresay I am feeling rather adequate up here with Copperfield at this moment in time," Mick said.
"Copperfield?"
"Do not amuse me, sir, by stating that my previous mention of this powerhouse that I sit upon's title is indeed the most absurd thing you have heard or seen thus far."
"Try and keep it low syllables, Mick. But I think I understood that, and I think you're right, I've witnessed crazier today."
Celestia and Luna flew down while Mick was being handled by the stick, a crude pole with a blunt hook at the end to grab onto. Nevertheless, it was a platoon favourite for solving problems. Changing a light bulb? Get the stick. Carrying the dirty gym clothes? Get the stick. Somepony you don't like? The stick.
"Congratulations, gentlecolts," Celestia said. "But there are multiple things yet to be done before rejoicing, and medals for that matter, can be discussed. Firstly, we need to free those encased in that sponge prison," She said, tapping the mud-encrusted sponge.
"Drill a hole, pull them out with the stick," Somepony suggested, and they all agreed.
"Very well, meanwhile, we need to secure the rest of the castle."
Before a plan could be formed, a high-pitched whistle stabbed the air, bringing the attention of everyone to the gaping hole in the ceiling. A green splodge was all they could make out before it smashed into the building and shattered the once-threatening monsters into shards of mud and strips of sponge.
The entombed guards fell out, lying strewn about on the floor, taking in the scent of fresh air mixed with candy floss.
"Copperfield..." Micawber said sadly, holding a piece of his loyal steed in his dark hoof.
"I'll get you a new one, Mick. A better mud monster. Or a goldfish, whatever's easier." The leader said, holding a hoof on the night-guard's shoulder and smiling, forcing him to do the same.
In the meantime, Luna and Celestia where busy studying the object that interrupted them. It was a large, green rocket, like a firework that had yet to explode. Luna touched it curiously which activated a paralysing beeping noise.
They backed up, petrified of the rapidly escalating noise. Putting up a mixed yellow and blue shield, they defended both them and the guards from whatever was about to happen.
The electronic beeping reached its climax, and went soundless. Nothing dared disturb the potentially devastating device, but after half a minute of careful trepidation, it was regarded as a dummy.
Dropping the shield, the sisters were still cautious. Gently lifting the metallic object and inspecting it.
"Hmph, Discord and his foalish-"
It detonated, and in an instant the castle was overflowing with cheese.
The windows were demolished, and out of them came cheese, flowing down the mountain and into the plains of Ponyville. Gone were the pillars that supported the castle, replaced with string-cheese. The once-ivory and gold surroundings were all yellow. Everything was cheese. Pools and layers of cheese.
They were washed out into the courtyard, dripping with the sticky substance and nearly choking on the amount they had ingested. The armour felt like a permanent fixture for most of the guards now, and the same went for their new yellow coat. It was safe to say they were more cheese than stallion now.
Celestia lifted her head from the clinging yellow grass and wiped the cheese from her eyes. She now had a permanent tinge of yellow in her vision, a casual reminder of just how awful this day was. She yawned, but the cheese had sealed her mouth shut. Reluctantly eating it, she regained her ability to speak after digesting the foul, thick paste.
"Princess?" One of the guards called out to her. "I think Luna's going to need the stick."
Bewildered at the comment, Celestia moved past the horde of onlooking guards and saw her sister, a puffy, fat ball of dark blue spotted with large red rashes. Her limbs were being swallowed by her swollen torso, her tongue limply hanging out.
"Hey, Brick," Digger announced to his friend, the two construction workers sat atop a large steel girder while on their break.
Out of sight from everything below them, the high altitude they were sat at offered a brisk wind. Perhaps the only thing not made of clouds in the city were the things used to construct the imposing, if pointless, pillars and structures which broke up the city and made it look a little less like an assortment of clouds.
The large, brown pegasus turned his head from his sandwich to respond, "Yeah?"
"Does that cloud look like a porta-potty to you?" The smaller, grey-coated pegasus asked, cloud-spotting. His friend stared at the cloud intently.
"That is a porta-potty," Brick said tiredly.
"Oh, right... clouds," He realised, watching the toilet float majestically through the air, bobbing up and down gently. "Hey, how does it work if it's made of clouds? Where's all the plumbing for the... y'know..."
Brick eased the sandwich away from his face reluctantly, sighing. "Shame, I really wanted that sandwich." It rested to his side, a single bite out-of-place from perfection.
"Alright, just wondering," Digger finished, accustomed to his friend's natural state of unhappiness.
From the inside, Cloudsdale was a little... blurry. What wasn't made of clouds didn't have much colour, so there were not many distinguishable areas, aside from the rainbow-spewing factories, of course. They had gotten used to it, like any pegasus in Cloudsdale, but all it took was a visit to the surface to remind them that there was more variety than just fifty shades of white, and the joys of carpets and grass that could welcome them.
They did feel like pillows though.
"That one looks like an insanely fast vehicle speeding towar-..."
In an instant, the two were swept away by Discord and his cloud race-van. They were glued to the bonnet in pain from the rapid shift of air-to-steel, or at least it felt like steel. Their two heads took up the entirety of the windshield, and they gazed inside to see his mad face.
"So sorry, gentlecolts, no autographs!" The draconequues inside laughed, and pressed a button on the dashboard.
The windshield wipers activated, casually bouncing off of the heavily-embedded pegasi bodies. Discord frowned, activating the water as well. All it did was wash away the bits of lettuce from Brick's teeth.
Discord sighed and stopped the van. He opened the door and got out, hovering in mid-air and materialising a crimson crowbar in his hand-paws. Holding it near them, he did the least safest thing possible.
Lining it up like a baseball bat, he swung at the indented bodies and smashed them off into the sky with a comical bonk sound. Instead of cries of agony, Discord had replaced their feet with fireworks, the whistling echoing away in the distance.
Spitfire and Soarin were unsure of what was going on. Earlier, they were cooling down after three practise laps of the wonderbolt stadium obstacle course, and now, they were in pitch-black darkness. There was a steady, low rumbling beneath them, and every now and again some kind of box would fall on to one of them from a stack of others.
They assumed they were in some kind of vehicle, the sharp turns always leaving them sliding across the floor and into each other or the walls. Soarin was resting against a collection of boxes, using them ingeniously as a cushion. They were sat opposite each other as far as they were aware, lying back-against cold, metal walls. The faint highlights in the wonderbolt suits were enough to be vaguely aware of each other's presence.
"Betcha I'm being ransomed off for more..." Soarin challenged abruptly.
"Sorry, Soarin, I didn't realise your suit had my captain badge," Spitfire retorted.
"It's not just about rank... the kidnappers'll charge more when they see how stylish I am."
"Y'know, I can't see you, but I'm guessing your goggles are strapped around your muzzle right now..."
There was an elastic snap, and Soarin whispered to himself in pain.
"...I think it feels odd, that's all..." He said quietly, and it was possible to hear him rub his neck.
Some time passed in silence, save for the creaking of the vehicle and tumbling of the boxes. Spitfire poked a hoof at her metal back-rest, hoping the non-existent super strength she possessed would cause them to tip over or something interesting. Surprisingly, nothing but a metallic, hollow knock sounded.
She sighed, boredom would defeat them before their abductors could.
An all-to-familiar smell assaulted her unexpectedly.
"Soarin... are you eating?"
Swallowing and clearing his throat beforehand, he replied, "No..."
"I can smell the apple pie."
"Maybe," He said dejectedly, accepting his imminent fate.
"And you were planning on telling me, right?"
"I was too overwhelmed by the emotion of finding a box full of pies to say anything."
"You can make it up to me by passing me one."
Soarin sadly felt around in the dark until he came across the box of food once again, pulling out a small-sized apple pie. He threw, rather than slide or hold out to her, the pie, face-hoofing as soon as his hoof was free of the dessert, realising his grave mistake.
His target was the sharp, yellow highlight in her suit, that apparently had minor glow-in-the-dark properties, that was just below her neck. He hit it successfully, a 'splat' giving way to a deathly, resentful silence.
"Wow... I hate you so much, Soarin. So much." She wiped off some of the remnants from her chin. "I swear, if I had the resignation papers on me I would force you to sign them."
Soarin snickered to himself as the fragrance of apples spread throughout their prison. Spitfire shed the blue and yellow suit, tossing it at Soarin and his pie, triumphantly ruining his happiness.
"Aw, gross, you sweat more than I do," Soarin said, dropping both the suit and the tainted pie to the floor.
"Hey, most of that is apple pie."
A screaming whistle came into earshot before dying instantly, masked by the noise of fireworks exploding. Gears grinded and squeaked as they came to a thunderous halt, the two flying across the jail cell and denting the wall to their left side. They were left in a heap of aching limbs, but at least the rumbling had ceased.
While Spitfire groaned in pain, a choking sound came from Soarin, who was rolling about the floor in a spasm of fear and asphyxiation.
"Spitfire!" He gagged. "Goggles... around neck... pie... in throat.... vision fading to darkness... redness... whiteness..." He clung on to his throat, coughing and breathing frantically.
Light suddenly burst through the rear of the prison and near-blinded the two inside. The wind swept away the traces of apple in the air and Spitfire was finally able to see herself and her friend with his tongue hanging out.
Around the midst of a dark shadow slowly coming into focus, they saw Cloudsdale, but not as they remembered it. Volumes of colour assaulted them, making whatever usual, mundane clouds that would hang around outside turn to a flurry of vivid hues.
The shadow lightened enough until a figure of a pony was revealed. The colours came in to view and Spitfire discovered that it was a grey pegasus. And finally, the deciding factor of its identity was the earnest yellow eyes scanning the prison, with one wandering off on a tangent of adventure.
"Derpy...?" Spitfire asked, still disoriented by the collision and wiping her eyes. She knew the mare from countless laundromat deliveries, the courier never quite content with one job at a time. "Why are we in a truck? Why do you have a truck?" She asked, becoming more alarmed at each question.
"Oh my gosh, the wonderbolts... in the company truck!" She held the two doors aside that once barred their exit wider. "I bet Rainbow Dash ordered you!"She beamed happily.
"Why is no-one helping me...?" Soarin croaked faintly, his head turning a darker shade of blue than was normal.
Spitfire stomped a hoof on his stomach, causing the foodstuff to propel itself from the wheezing pegasus. Afterwards, he was able to remove the goggles constricting his neck. Coughing and spluttering, he moved to his side as he breathed deeply. When he had regained his composure and correct skin colour, he spoke.
"Okay... something.... something about a truck?"
"Well," Derpy started, raising a hoof to the side of her head as she recited perfectly from memory with her eyes closed: "Under clause fourteen-b of the postmare's manual; use of the company truck is permitted to any employees undergoing large and/or long distance deliveries. Except Derpy."
The captives waited for it to sink in; Derpy dropped her hoof and smile when she realised, eyebrows furrowing in worry.
"Oh, shoot," She cursed quietly to herself. "Hey, why is the inside of the truck covered in pie?" She asked, momentarily forgetting her worries.
"Eh, long story," Spitfire lied, anxiously trying to skirt her head around Derpy's position to get a better look at Cloudsdale. "So, can we get out of here now?"
"I don't know..." Derpy thought. "Rainbow Dash won't be happy."
"We weren't being delivered," Soarin interrupted. "We just kinda appeared in here."
"Oh, okay," Derpy grinned. "Mix-ups like this happen all the time. Except usually it's my fault." She moved aside to allow passage outdoors, and acknowledged the looks of amazement on the wonderbolt's faces. "Yeah, Cloudsdale's being weird today, huh?"
They stepped out and immediately were bogged down by the fluffy cotton candy that had replaced the clouds. Stuck in place, at least they could survey their blindingly colourful surroundings.
One explanation for the sudden floods of multi-coloured patterns over pretty much everything looked to be due to the rainbow factory remnants jammed across the landscape. Bits of it were stuck in the clouds, and the original site for the factory had been replaced by another. This new, imposing structure was adjacent to a sign saying: 'Discord's Dirt Factory. High quality dirt or your money back!'. Beneath it were blocks of dirt landing square on Ponyville.
A set of clouds in the far-off distance replicated a massive pair of slippers, stomping on the meeker clouds that squeaked and deflated like balloons under the tremendous force.
Various floating objects burst through the clouds at random intervals. Submarines, dragons wearing dinner jackets, giant brains, there was really no telling what would show up next.
A piece of sky-toffee floated easily into Spitfire's fiery mane, and Soarin's spandex wonderbolt suit attracted a large collection of small, metal bobby pins until they coated his body.
"What," Was all Spitfire could say. Not in a questioning way, nor intending it to be any sort of declaration, it was the only word she could think of at that point.
"What's going on here, Derpy?" Soarin asked, chewing his hooves out from the delicious ground.
"Oh, it's not just Cloudsdale. Strange stuff's happening all over Equestria. Somepony's probably fixing it though," She said optimistically.
"I hope so," Soarin finished, watching as the metal pieces were absorbed into his suit.
After digging out each other from the pink floss, Derpy followed the wonderbolts as they wandered the stray pink platform they were on.
There was really no other words to say that Cloudsdale was in chaos. Looking below, they could see Canterlot shared the same state of anarchy, miniature volcanoes leaking gold all over the divine mansions.
The foothills and plains trying to escape vainly into the horizon held large monuments made out of clay. One artistically crafted, beautifully coloured masterpiece seemed to depict a dragon or a lizard-type thing sitting on a toilet. Anther was a monolith-sized cookie with watermelons for chocolate chips and for some reason a goatee for facial hair.
"Well, ponyfeathers," Spitfire said. "I've got no idea what's going on here... or what to do about it. Any ideas, Soarin?"
She turned to see a missing area where her friend once was, only the maroon sky meeting her eye.
"Soarin?" She repeated, seeing and hearing nothing in response. Derpy was much too absorbed in leaning precariously over the edge and admiring the view to notice the issue.
"Cloak disengaged," A robotic, deep voice boomed in her ear, and she was met face to face with Soarin, wide-eyed and grinning like a lunatic.
Spitfire contained her inner terror at the sudden arrival through mutual wide eyes and a questioning glance. In fear of the possibility that her voice had not quite gotten over the scare, she did not speak.
"Isn't this awesome?!" Soarin asked explosively, the words all tumbling out at once in pure glee. Chasing his tail like a dog, he showed off the suit that they had always wore. "I can go invisible!" He clicked a button that had never once been on his goggles, and the voice stated:
"Cloak engaged."
Soarin vanished once more, and Spitfire was impressed. Sure, it was a bit redundant having a voice shout out when you're hiding, but it wasn't like they'd be able to pinpoint you afterwards.
"Okay, tha-" She squeaked, halting and clearing her throat before retrying. "That's pretty cool," She resumed normally. "It do anything else?"
"I dunno," He said, still invisible. By the sound of it, he was fumbling around with the goggles again.
"Bio-organic scan engaged... scanning..." The cloak dropped, and a wall of thin blue light shot out in front of the amazed Soarin. It washed over the yellow pegasus, scanning her up and down. "Scan complete... processing..."
They weren't too keen on getting a lecture about anatomy at this time, it looked like there were far more pressing matters, but anything to appease Soarin in flashing around his apparently-upgraded suit.
"Eighty-four percent marshmallow. And bones," The robot said casually. It wasn't the most professional body scan she'd received, but she supposed it was kind of accurate.
"Sixteen percent helium," It finished.
"What?" She peeped in a squeaky, high voice, and then held her muzzle in alarm.
"Ah!" She screamed a hilarious scream. "Soarin! Do something!" She began floating in the air, and not by her own accord. She struggled to flap her wings in any direction but upwards, but they seemed useless against the rising helium. Her body inflated and her limbs were gradually absorbed into her torso.
Soarin could no longer take her frantic, tinny babbling. The rapid string of alarmed, shrill speech caused him to fall on the floor in laughter. He rolled around, fully consumed and in love with the dysfunction of it all.
Fortunately, he must have landed on a button, as the suit rushed to the ascending pegasi's aid.
"Vacuum engaged," A black, plastic tube darted out of the back of Soarin, the blue pegasus still enveloped in laughter, and made its way to Spitfire.
It attached itself to her muzzle, a suction noise humming through the air. While the angry, yellow balloon was being deflated, Derpy had managed to acquire popcorn, incessantly throwing pieces at the bouncy, spherical mare.
In seconds they were back to the closest they would get to normality. The two wonderbolts lay on the floor as Soarin's laughter died and Spitfire's lungs refilled. Derpy stood up and made her way to them.
"I don't think I want to find out what else that suit does," Spitfire sighed..
"Except maybe," Derpy suddenly interposed. "Maybe it's able to... I don't know..." She looked around in a wide circle sheepishly. "... Bake things?"
Before Derpy could confirm her wish, things got weirder.
As hard as it was to believe, but then again, not much was anymore, the air began trembling. Like the far-off echoing of a blast furnace, the searing, dividing sound of fire penetrating the atmosphere called out. The mutated, purple eagles fled from their freshly-made candy floss nests as the world seemed to shake.
The once-dormant dirt factory had risen, detaching itself from the cloud base and hovering with the help of six chrome rocket thrusters protruding from the bottom of it. The dull, brown-painted complex appeared to stare them down, each individual window glistening in the glare of the giant sun which was actually an orange.
"Um," Soarin added helpfully.
While it was hard to tell exactly what was going on from the distance they were at, they noticed the roof of the factory cave in on itself. Then the sides expanded and stretched, literally bending to some unknown force's will. The top and bottom smoothed out into a heavy, dark brown, and the sides had sloped into each other until it took the shape of a flying saucer.
The mobile dirt fortress emitted a perpetual alien sound, which, mixed with the reverberating thrusters, felt like their doom was incoming. But the sign was still plainly visible at the front of the saucer, so it clearly wasn't anything but a dirt factory.
"That is one strange shirt factory," Derpy said. The others were too wrapped up in the fact that it was moving towards them to fix the mistake. While the speed on it wasn't amazing, for a massive, omnipotent UFO it wasn't something to be laughed at either. It crushed everything in its wake. Granted, that was only a few clouds, it still looked pretty scary.
Without warning, all three of them were suddenly covered in pink...
"Silly string? Really?" Spitfire asked, trying to wipe it off. "That thing is shooting silly string at us," She pointed out, the endless stream of it angled in such a way as to hit them perfectly, stemming from the saucer.
The clinging substance refused to part with them, and that was before it was suddenly ignited.
Only two of them cared though, screaming, stopping, dropping and rolling as they were coated in the flaming strands. Spitfire watched her friends in a hybrid of worry and devious delight as she smoothed back her fiery mane.
"Huh, guess I'm immune to fire."
"Extinguisher engaged."
The immediate area around them was clouded in a frenzy of white extinguishing fluid. It tasted remarkably like whipped cream, Soarin noticed. The crackling fire ceased and the new twines of string entering their area were rendered useless. The smoke faded into the sky as the fluid melted into the floor, leaving them startled, but relatively unscathed.
Soarin's coat was blackened by lines of ash trailing his body, and Derpy's tail was still comfortably on fire, not bothering her. Of course, this was nothing compared to the one who wasn't involved in it. The extinguishing fluid left Spitfire's face, and Soarin struggled to keep upright.
Derpy tried to raise a point, but Soarin jammed a hoof in her mouth, holding in his breath as he stared at the wonderbolt.
"Soarin, you alright?" She asked.
He opened his lips as little as possible so not to betray any of his thoughts. "Yes."
"Because you're going really red."
"Cloak engaged."
"No I'm not."
"Derpy," Spitfire started, looking at them both suspiciously. "You know what's wrong?"
Her mouth was covering Soarin's invisible hoof, but she nodded with a simple look on her face.
Spitfire charged at where she thought Soarin would be, knocking him over and hearing the sound of it being disengaged as Derpy shouted as soon as her mouth was free:
"You're so bald!"
Her eyes twitched, split off in separate directions and a cracked smile formed ever so slightly in her lips as she hesitantly touched the smooth, orange dome that was her scalp. Her mane was no more, and the smile departed as her head cocked to the side. It creakily turned to Soarin, looking like it might fall off at any second.
"Hey! Woah! This wasn't my fault!"
"I'm not saying it was, Soarin," She near-whispered.
"Then stop looking at me like that!"
A roaring green laser exploded the ground between them, successfully breaking the horrifying stare locked between them. They saw the dirt factory saucer, a great deal closer than when they last left it. It was charging multiple green cannons scattered all over the mighty structure.
"Kill me later!" He faintly called out as he fled into the sky.
Deciding to hold him to that, Spitfire followed. Derpy raced after them, but could not match the speed of which the athletes were accustomed to.
Futuristic, neon-style lasers stabbed the free spaces between them as they dodged the fluffy, pink clouds. The lasers changed colours on a whim, like they were in a mid-air rave party. Narrowly avoiding some of them, the heat gave off kicked them into a faster pace. If any positives were to come of Spitfire's baldness, it would be the lack of wind resistance in her hair.
They turned sharply to catch a glimpse of the threat. It was trailing far behind. The sigh of relief was suffocated by soul-crushing dread as they spotted Derpy in the shadow of the colossus, about to take a face full of laser. She was frozen still, her only movements being the flaps of her wings.
Not needing to think twice, the wonderbolts dashed for her, clueless of how the actual rescue would work.
The individual cannons dotting the saucer's dark body receded into the structure, a churning hum replacing them.
A mighty, deep hole covered the face of the saucer, the depth inside charging up with green light.
Reaching the hypnotized mare, Soarin and Spitfire tried and failed to valiantly to save her. She was immovable, locked in place by her own strength of will to see what would come out of the cannon. A block of grey, stubborn concrete that watched the imminent blast.
The wonderbolts grunted and heaved with force as they tried to simply move her arm. This couldn't have just been Derpy alone. Waving a hoof past her eyes, they still received no response.
"Soarin! It's-a charging its laser! Can't the suit do something now?!"
Desperately fiddling with the goggles on his head, Soarin was crumbling under the pressure of the eerie, hollow noise of the cannon as it amplified. Nothing seemed to be working, he even tried the suit itself for answers- pressing different body parts at the speed of light.
Only after the secret armpit button did something happen.
"Maximum armour. Shields enga-"
The voice was drowned out by the ear-splitting shot, the lighting up in a flash of green and the blue of Soarin's glowing suit.
Their senses were overwhelmed. They felt stuck, cemented in. They saw a light brown haze wherever they looked through closed, stuck-shut eyes. Everything was warm, and they could feel eye-crusts halting them from understanding the area. Where they teleported somewhere? Because it smelt amazingly like a...
"Muffin!" They heard Derpy's voice exclaim with pure happiness. They could feel her presence running around, bumping into them with glee.
Though there could have been several other options, they had to agree it seemed, in all probability, like they were inside a hollowed-out muffin. The air was chokingly sweet, and their hooves were squished into a spongy floor texture. But, they still had no vision, the eyes plastered closed by gunk.
Derpy recognised this. "Just eat 'em!"
"The... eye-crusts...?" Soarin reaffirmed sickly.
"Yeah! Don't worry, it tastes like muffin," She finished.
Grudgingly accepting her instructions, they ate the thick crusts. For some reason, it was surprisingly abundant, chewing for a good minute before they could see. An ill feeling washed over them, despite it actually tasting muffin-y too.
"When did our tongues get that long? To reach our eyelids?" Soarin asked as the surroundings were exposed. It cosy, brown, and surprisingly spacious inside. Chocolate chips the size of their heads were implanted into the walls. Add some furnishings and it would be Derpy's ideal home.
"I gave up on figuring this stuff out ages ago. More importantly, how're we supposed to get out of here?" Spitfire wondered, not much of a fan of muffins.
"I... think Derpy's already on that..." Soarin said, pointing at the tunnelling pegasus behind her. She was revelling in her element, devouring the soft, chewy mines without pause.
"Go Derpy, go! Eat our way to freedom!" Spitfire cheered, the three pegasi confined in an excavation of delicious stalagmites and stalactites.
Time passed, and the lack of oxygen, for Spitfire was sure that was the reason, was dishevelling her. Her mind was muddy with confusion, the things she had been through today, while uniquely insane, could only be vaguely remembered. She recalled a distinct desire to smash Soarin, but not for the hair thing, it was something else.
Light, albeit obscure, tainted light, dived through to the cavern. Derpy finally stopped from lack of muffin to eat. Before she could divert and consume another line of it, and before the wonderbolts could flee, a face appeared in their exit.
It was the creature whose monument was of it on the toilet. They weren't sure how to feel about that.
It had a mining hat on, a flash-light sunk into its center. He smiled deviously at the worn down pegasi, and his red eyes lit up with life.
"Looks like I don't even need to bother making you insane," He said casually. "You just ate through pounds of dirt to escape. Bravo, I suppose." Spitfire only needed to have swallowed the eye crusts to feel sick now, figuring out that they too were muffin-flavoured dirt. "You know, you really should pay more attention to signs. There's a reason it said 'Dirt Factory'."
They stared at him in silence. Even Derpy was bewildered, but at least she wasn't vomiting up the piles of dirt.
"Yes, it's an actual factory. No, it isn't a dying business," He cleared up, reaching a thin arm in and pulling a piece of pristine dirt straight from his stomach. "Tell me you wouldn't pay a pretty penny for this."
They had to admit, it was nice dirt.
Tired of formalities, or whatever that was supposed to be, he clicked his fingers. They now stood atop the giant flying fortress that was chasing them previously. This time, there was a collection of other ponies with them, all just as beaten as them.
Spitfire shied away from the crowd, hiding her lack of hair from them by ducking behind Soarin. If a single picture got out about this, Canterlot wasn't likely to forget. At least she still had her tail.
"Discord, how come we get a UFO instead of that candy van now?" A small, white filly tugged on his arm as if he was no threat.
"Scratchcard," Discord said. He scanned the ponies, doing a short headcount and totalling eight distressed-looking adventurers. "You ponies wouldn't happen to know what a minefield is, hm?"
"A chaos enthusiast, collector of snow-globes, founder of the church of Discology, but most importantly, a gentlequues," Discord finished, sipping tea from the extravagant chalice. "But that's enough about me, I'm sure you are all rather new to each other."
Flim struggled in his chains for a moment, before Discord jammed the red and white-maned stallion's cup in his mouth. The victims of Discord were all sat around a large, oval table in the middle of a dead flat of grass that stretched out into hills and barren countryside for miles. The UFO was gone, nothing remained around them but nature.
In the distance, far away, a desert could be seen. Somehow, its heat affected them enough to make the steel chains restricting them warm up. Even if they could reach out for the individual cups of tea assigned to them, they wouldn't: it would be the final nail in the coffin for heatstroke.
"Well, actually-" Spitfire started before a mighty paw demolished her chunk of the mahogany table.
A look of fear forever plastered on her face, she traced her eyes up the black-coated arm and saw Cerberus, the three-headed demon-dog drafted from the gates of Tartarus to oversee a tea party. Of course. His face looked down at hers, and a drip of saliva fell into her tea cup. She tried to ask how he was suddenly there, or at least apologise to the creature, but the words formed a whispered squeak.
Discord looked at Cerberus angrily, and instantaneously brought forth a flimsy looking brown stick. His arm stretched over to the large mutt's three heads and tapped each one condescendingly with the stick.
"Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog," He repeated with each gentle encouragement to the heads. "Remember that this table costs more than your treats." The dogs whimpered and scuttled along sadly behind Discord's golden throne. "I know how much you like them, but you'd be surprised at how unwilling ponies can be to giving up their arms. It's like they don't grow back or something."
Cerberus stood over Discord, observing each of the ponies' arms intently and drooling into the chalice. Discord drank it happily. The silence between them only made it more awkward, the faint creaking of the decrepit, wooden chairs they were chained to was only matched by content sighs from the draconequues.
"My, my, aren't we a strange bunch?" He said, scanning his flock. "We've got the fillies, adorably innocent and ever-so uncorrupted." Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and Scootaloo didn't have much of a response, all tied to a single chair. They were either staring off into space or rocking on the chair together.
"The con-stallions, already quite associated with bringing chaos so long as they make a bit." Flim and Flam looked proudly at each other, and would gladly give the other a high-one were their arms free and Flam not so insane.
"The celebrities, I must say I'm not sure how you'll perform, you work well under pressure though." The eyes were mostly on Spitfire as patches of her mane grew back, Soarin tried headbutting his futuristic goggles on the table in hopes of some escape but only ended up hurting himself.
"And you..." He looked at Derpy, reached a paw over confidently and poked her nose. "A mail-mare? Ah, chaos takes all kinds."
"How did you know?" Derpy asked curiously and genuinely amazed.
"All knowledge lies in the nose. I don't know what that nonsense is about the 'eyes being the gateway to the soul', but I assure you it is certainly the nose. What else could be so unique as to form fantastic little packages of mucus to play with?!" He said jovially, and the inner child that was Discord himself shined, laughing.
On seeing that nopony was quite as entertained as he was, Discord stopped laughing abruptly, cleared his throat, and lay back in the reclining throne.
"Fine, I suppose you all want your 'freedom', or something like that?" He mocked. "Now if Pinkie Pie was here..." He thought to himself. "Speaking of which... b-r-b, as the hip kids say," He disappeared in a plume of smoke, scattering a pink, thin fog across the table.
The table was left, some coughing, others shaking their chains and struggling, but all very much confused. Before anypony could speak, Discord reappeared, lying across the arms of his throne, changed. Glowing, waves of visible green energy poured from his curved, yellow body.
"The kids say that, right? 'Become' a 'radioactive' 'banana'?" He asked, the length of his body zipping open to form a smile.
At least Derpy giggled.
“But seriously,” He managed to utter before poofing away.
The ponies, tired, dazed and in need of a chemical shower all seemed to sigh in unison. Cerberus didn’t take much notice, scratching his left-most head while simultaneously hitting the other two with a back paw.
“Any ideas?” Spitfire asked nopony in particular.
“For what?” Derpy wondered.
“Escaping...?”
“Why? He’s fun!”
Spitfire couldn’t debate that. While everything ‘fun’ had been at their expense, it was pretty entertaining. Soarin began smashing his head on the table, desperately hoping the goggles might have a jetpack-slash-laser-cutting function.
“Prisoner of Chaos escape updates found for Chaotix Operating System. System must be restarted to take effect,” The powerful voice inside Soarin’s goggles said.
“YES! Do that!” He pleaded to the headgear, bringing his head down on the table again.
“Postponed for four hours.”
“No! Celestia... damn it,” Soarin cursed, beginning the head trauma process again.
Flam started chewing on his metal chains rabidly, a hunger forming in his eyes for tasty, nutritious steel. Dark lines formed under his eyes and sweat dripped from his mane, onto his nose, and reversed up his nostrils. His speech was a rapid string of frenzied babble, but he eventually found several sentences that were questionable.
“Look at these bees everywhere, brother!” Flim saw nothing. “Get away bees! No, I won’t eat my brother’s mane! I don’t care how good it looks, not without salt! What? The dog has salt? I-I am pretty hungry, but I like my arms in place! Dogs don’t like sweat, eh? Hah, then I’ll be fine!”
Flam began hopping his chair forward, heaving with the immense weight of the chains but determined to get that salt. More of the apparent dog-repellent clung to the edges of his face as Flim bewilderedly watched his brother jump closer to his doom. Cerberus looked amused.
"Wanna play eye-spy?" Applebloom suggested to her two friends strapped to the chair with her. Before either of them could protest, she started. "I spy... something brown!"
Scootaloo was face-height with the big oval table. "Wood," She said sourly.
"Yeah!" Applebloom cheered. Noticing nopony else shared her enthusiasm, she turned her head to Sweetie Belle, sighing. "So whatcu doin'?"
"Hallucinating. I see some ponies riding on top of some huge guinea pigs or something down there," She said, looking into the orange glare that signalled a desert.
Applebloom followed her friend's eyes, and avoided the streaks of burning light to see the outlines of what was described to her previously.
"Hey, ah think ah see it too!"
"Really?" The white filly squeaked. "Discord's magic is weird."
"Ah'm pretty sure they're getting closer..."
The outlines of the delusions started to emerge as figures, and details could be made out. There were six ponies on six brightly-coloured rodents, the small paws sinking and rising in the dunes of sand. Swaying left to right on their mounts, the ponies seemed to be indicating towards them, or fainting where they were sat.
"Is this gonna get weird?" Applebloom asked, pulling Scootaloo's attention to the figures as well. Her neck was somehow doing a one-eighty degree turn.
"You saying today's been normal?" The orange filly pointed out.
"Huh. 'Spose not."
The figures sped up, and Cerberus began to growl at the trespassers, standing at full attention and completely ignoring Flam who was head-butting his mighty arm in search of the salt. There were four mares, coated dark, green, cream and white. Sweetie Belle thought she recognised some of them, but she felt on the verge of passing out, thus it was left unconfirmed.
There were also two stallions, both white-coated. One, with a blue moustache and a cracked monocle, had a black piece of clothing wrapped around his head, acting as a makeshift sweatband and dangling gracefully over his horn. The other was unconscious, or worse, and draped over his white hamster, matting its otherwise glorious fur with sweat.
The growling intensified, and became thunderous warning barks. Echoing through the limitless sky, the explosion of noise forced the hamsters to rear, knocking the riders off as they squeaked frantically. They broke off in random directions and ran for anywhere the demon-dog was not, changing course erratically.
Barking and squealing rang through the air, even as Cerberus was only chasing a single, purple rodent. The rest scattered away from their owners, taking the dog with them. The chair-bound ponies were entertained, if not baffled.
"NIBBLES! COME BACK, EVERYTHING IS FINE!" The green mare pleaded, her hoof in the sky. The hamster ignored her, even as it was forgotten by the predator. It scurried away to freedom, safe from the insanity and hopefully back to the life one would expect from a hamster. "I LOVED YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?"
A conciliatory cream hoof was placed on the mare as she broke down on her knees dramatically. The dark-coated pony and the blue-maned stallion trotted up to the prisoners while simultaneously hovering the knocked out stallion above them.
"Would you care to accept this sacrifice in exchange for information?" Fancypants asked the fillies, laying Blueblood at their feet. Octavia hit his shoulder, and the tuxedo fell lazily from his head. "Pardon me, I mean to ask whether you are all just further hallucinations."
"How do we know you ain't hallucinations?" Applebloom retorted.
"I am not at liberty to discuss philosophy, I'm afraid. Now, are you or are you not the rulers of this land and are you able to spare us taxi money?"
Octavia, rubbing her eyes tiredly and smoothing out her dishevelled mane, answered for them.
"If they were the leaders, would they be tied up?"
Fancypants considered this momentarily.
"Some kind of coup d'état?
"Go wait with the others."
He took off his broken monocle and complied, tracing the damage with his hoof as he walked away. Octavia looked over the bunch of ponies on the verge of snapping, who all returned the gaze at the broken mare.
"Would any of you be kind enough to inform me where we are... or what is going on here?"
Flam answered. "The peanut fairies stole my antenna."
"So that'd be a no?" Bon-Bon said, walking up to the scene.
"We were kidnapped! Now for the love of Celestia get us out of these chains!" Soarin begged, his head bruised and mane divided.
"Kidnapped? That sounds... awfully familiar," Octavia said, glancing at Bon-Bon and meeting her worried look.
Discord's laugh came first, and then his oversized lollipop. He took centre-stage on the table, his face manifesting into a wide grin. The chains disappeared, mobility restored to the group cringing at the draconequues' re-arrival. The weathered adventurers, meanwhile, split off and formed their own group.
"Hey!" Discord said. "It's... you guys..." He scratched his head, trying to recall the ponies names.
"The ones you left in the middle of nowhere?" Bon-Bon accused.
"Come on now, is that really fair? I was thinking about coming back."
"I'm pretty sure Blueblood needs serious medical attention," Octavia pointed to the motionless body.
Discord regarded him skeptically, inspecting each and every corner of the once-prissy stallion. In silence, he spawned an extravagant airship a few miles above him. With a flick of his wrist, he ordered the behemoth contraption to dive at them. While the ponies ducked, cowered and covered their eyes, the ship instantly reduced to the size of a fairly big water balloon and splashed Blueblood's face daintily.
Nothing happened. No stirring or movement was elicited from the comatose wreck of a prince.
"Well, we'll burn that bridge when we come to it. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. Moving swiftly on..." Discord materialized a royal red carpet and hid Blueblood's body underneath, kicking it carelessly.
"I'll trade you half my brother for that salt!" Flam said, tugging Discord's tail pleadingly. Flim looked hurt.
"Flam, Flam, Flam," Discord started soothingly, his arm resting over the insane pony's shoulders. "Only half? You get back to me with a better offer, and we'll see about that salt, hm?" Flam's eyes twitched as he fell to the ground to draw up marketing averages for slavery.
"Now, enough dilly-dallying, you ponies have got trials to run!" Discord said, and the ground began rumbling.
He brought up two massive walls either side of the disoriented gathering. Dirt fell from the shining, golden walls and a third wall cut off the route behind them. The two vertical walls merged together to form a triangular roof, and they were trapped save for one opening. They were funnelled into a single, glistening corridor with a glaring white exit down the path a little.
There was a suspicious patch of sand that acted as a puny pre-cursor to a gauntlet ahead of them, swinging logs moving at an incredible pace that seemed unavoidable. Following that were obvious pressure plates with holes dotting the walls either side, and several parasprites hovering happily, not quite able to eat the giant death-logs.
At least it was ventilated. There was a lonely air conditioner strapped to the left wall, adjacent to the rug that concealed royalty.
"We have to get through that?" Lyra asked, alternating her view between the draconequues and the course.
"Well, that seems like the only way to freedom, doesn't it?"
"Can those who don't like chaos be excluded?" Spitfire asked.
"No, you have to run it twice."
"Damn it."
Vinyl put her hoof up. "What about all of us that have done this junk before? Don't get me wrong, the hamster balls were fun and all..."
"Hm, I suppose it wouldn't exactly be fair after all you've been through..." He agreed.
The original group looked hopeful. That is, until they appeared in a cage the other side of the obstacle course. The new ponies breathed a sigh of relief as they appeared safe. The ponies on the other side of the passage, however, did not seem so happy. Vinyl was trying to break the grey prison bars with her teeth, while Lyra shook the entire cage, yelling. The more composed of their group just rested their heads in their hooves.
"Now you have some incentive!" Discord said. "If at least one of you reaches the end, the cage'll unlock and they'll be set free!" Discord clasped his hands together, and a smirk formed across his dastardly face.
"Of course, you don't really know these ponies, do you? The power of 'teamwork' and 'friendship' shouldn't apply to a bunch of strangers should it?"
"I know them!" Derpy exclaimed, but she went by ignored.
The ponies were trying to figure out what he was getting at, before he created a fire exit in the side of the wall to add to his point. It creaked open, revealing sunlight, flora and signs of civilisation. The feeling of pure air seeping in was tantalizing. The sweet smells of Ponyville and the refined air of Canterlot drifted through the crack in the door.
"You could just leave. I won't stop you. Why risk your fragile, fragile minds for some ponies you've never met?"
Flim took this opportunity immediately. "Say no more."
He grabbed his brother by the ear, who was desperately etching into the dirt, and dragged him out the exit wordlessly. The door closed, and silence surrounded them. Hoof-steps sounded off in the crunchy grass, and the temptation of freedom was strong.
"It's... it's that easy?" Soarin wondered, to which he received a slap on the back of the head from Spitfire.
"C'mon, that Wonderbolt code of ethics has got us again. 'Leave nopony in danger' or something like that. Besides, this'll be a cake-fly, it's got nothing on the stadium course." Soarin begrudgingly accepted, his head hanging low.
"Do we get a prize?" Derpy asked excitedly, keen on saving some ponies, but eager at the prospect of a reward.
"Surely, friendsh-" Discord tried to compose his laughter. "Friendship is a rewar- hah, reward in itself!"
Derpy scrunched up her face. It was her thinking face.
"There's also muffins," He added quickly, to which her eyes went wide.
She stared at the door in the toughest concentration she could muster. A million thought process went through her mind, weighing up the pros and cons of leaving right then and there. Her face got scrunchier and scrunchier until it was in danger of collapsing in on itself, before closing her eyes in one final thought.
"Nope. Bros before doughs!"
Discord was surprised, even impressed by her resilience. "Very well, then you can be the first to go," He smiled slyly.
While Derpy mentally prepared herself, Discord silently pulled Scootaloo away from her friends. Her face tried to put up some form of protest, but by putting a finger to his mouth, Discord halted any method of speech.
"Scootaloo... do you know what Rainbow Dash would really appreciate?" His eyes appeared to spin and rotate in the colours of a rainbow, but Scootaloo could hardly concentrate on that after what he had just said.
Her face lit up a little. Discord hadn't been bad so far, not really. He had given them a truck full of candy! And if he could somehow get her closer to Rainbow Dash, when this was all over anyway, she would be even crazier than whatever the hay was going on to pass it up. She shook her head, and he pointed to the Wonderbolts.
"Here's a tranquilliser, and a net." He passed her some kind of flute with a red dart in and a pony-sized butterfly-catching net. "I'm going to turn around, and whatever happens, happens." He patted her on the head, and his eyes dropped back into their normal red.
With the stare broken, she looked at the tranquilliser in her left hoof, and the surprisingly light, but large, net in her right.
Discord was a genius. If she could merely capture these ponies, Rainbow Dash's heroes, then by the process of diffusion, (she didn't know what that meant or if it had any relevance, she just heard Cheerilee say it at some point) Scootaloo would become her hero. Right? At the very least, Rainbow Dash would be so amazed that she would teach her everything she would learn from the kidnapped Wonderbolts!
This plan was completely flawless.
"Hey, Scootaloo, y'alright?" Applebloom asked as her and Sweetie Belle turned around.
Scootaloo, with the speed of Rainbow Dash herself, hid the tools behind her back before stammering out, "Y-yeah, just, erm, got a feeling that the trial thingy might get a little messy."
She couldn't share her plan with the others. They knew how cool Rainbow Dash was as well, and they might want to share the responsibility of taking the Wonderbolts down and thus too, bask in Rainbow's awesomeness. While she realized there was enough of that to go around, she felt she had deserved to be a little greedy- she didn't have the responsibility to save the world like the elements did, so time out for herself should be fine.
Every second Applebloom continued to stare at her, while Sweetie Belle watched Derpy who was carefully sniffing the starting line. Scootaloo was crumbling under the pressure of her friend's intimidating orange eyes. Any moment she thought she would snap under the weight of her guilty conscience, and her motive would be discovered.
"Okedoke," Applebloom said obliviously.
She gave a sigh of relief, wiping the sweat from her head as she studied the two Wonderbolts. One dart. Maybe this plan was partly flawed.
"Aha!" Derpy exclaimed. Everypony's eyes were on her, barring one carefully considering filly. "There's something under this bit of sand, I knew I smelt something delicious!"
She began brushing the sand away with her muzzle and hooves, not venturing too far ahead though. After a moment of quiet, and a few concerned stares at the grey mare, something jumped up from the ground.
It hovered there for little more than half a second, something crispy and golden brown, containing a pool of thick, dark liquid, before exploding. A cascade of batter and vegetable gravy washed over her as the force of the eruption knocked the mail-mare into the Wonderbolts, throwing a certain somepony's aim off and dripping the goop all over the athletes.
"Woopsie-daisy..." Derpy said, lying horizontally across them as they groaned.
"I should have probably mentioned those, the bouncing Bessie's™... try and avoid them," Discord confirmed.
A sudden look of determination flashed on Derpy's face, flying into the air and back at the start of the course. She used the dripping, warm liquid on her hooves to create some tribal war-paint on her cheeks, before taking an aggressive stance. She was going to free those ponies, or swallow a truckload of gravy trying.
She darted straight ahead.
And instantly was propelled upwards by three of the bouncers. She broke through the roof of the tunnel they were trapped in, blasting off into potential freedom, caked in goo. A light shower of the remnants trickled onto the stunned ponies, mouths agape and staring into the hole. It sealed, a series of strings covering the gap and enlarging until it was filled.
"Is she going to be okay?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Discord shrugged a very uninspiring shrug.
Suddenly, a certain Wonderbolt's Soarin-sense was tingling. He turned around to meet the eyes of a crazed filly with a type of primitive weapon aimed at Spitfire.
The agility taught to him throughout his career as a Wonderbolt was realised in that split-second where he dove. Shielding her in an overly-dramatic fashion, his wings extended with a resounding, "Nooo!" being cried, he took the tranquilliser to the bottom of his neck.
He fell into a limp pile as the ponies changed their focus from the hole to the Wonderbolt. Scootaloo's face flared red, she dropped the blow-dart and hid the net behind her. She was aiming for the captain. Her friends must have spotted her in the act, they were trying to get a glance of the weapon.
Paralysed with uncertainty on whether to continue with the plan, she merely uttered, "Discord told me to. He said I could go free if I did."
"Ah, dishonesty," Discord said. "A lovely vice to have learnt." He mentally patted himself on the back.
Spitfire, meanwhile, was keeping Soarin's head off the ground as he faded in and out of consciousness. She looked concerned, his tongue lolling in and out of his mouth wasn't doing much to satisfy hear fears. His eyes rolled around and face kept scrunching.
"You okay? You look a bit worse than normal, Soarin," Spitfire said.
"There was... something... something in that d-dart," He said, and Spitfire thought she should probably take it out now.
She flicked it away and saw a rather large pimple form over the tiny cavity. She resisted the urge to mock its grossness. She should have probably been more worried, but Discord hadn't done much physical harm to them so far.
"Spitfire... if this is the end..."
"It's not, but go on."
"I need to say I... I... love..."
Spitfire rubbed her eyes tiredly. She hoped he wouldn't embarrass her in front of these ponies and a centuries-old spirit. Enough things had happened today.
"Pie..." He faded out of consciousness, before laughing weakly to himself, and a wave of snoring took over.
Spitfire's face dropped any trace of concern and dropped his big dumb head on the ground. She turned her head to Scootaloo and mouthed, "Thank you." Scootaloo kicked the floor sheepishly as her friends found and inspected the tools.
Spitfire sighed, observing the log swings and minefield before it, analysing the threats ahead. Pressure plates couldn't do anything so long as she kept in the air. The gauntlet might be tough, but avoidable. Beyond that, she had no idea.
She didn't care what happened to her anymore, her only incentive to win was to prevent the fillies from running it. Even the one that had tried to tranquillise her. Saving the other ponies was a bonus.
"Well?" Discord said, circling the yellow pegasus.
Spitfire trotted to the start, breathing deeply. She caught a glimpse of the trio relying on her to win. Despite performing at countless events, with the most critical of audiences, this was the one she was most nervous about. Their large, expectant eyes counting on her was simultaneously adorable and the single most horrifying thing she had ever seen.
The Bessies™ were first. And she abruptly hatched a plan to at least soften the onslaught of them she might face. Discord watched her, confused as she turned around and walked to the elaborate carpet covering Blueblood.
Wordlessly, she realigned his body into the carpet and rolled him up into it. He was breathing, but didn't show any signs of waking. He was wrapped in it like a traditional Mexicolt food. Barring his head for precious oxygen, he was completely enveloped in red. She rolled him across by head-butting the carpet to the starting sand.
Discord was on the edge of his magical floating seat. "Please tell me you are going to do what I think you're going to do with him..." He was on the verge of laughing as it appeared so.
Looking at Blueblood's sweaty, red face, she thought it would be natural to feel a little sorry for him in this state.
She kicked him into the sand patch and took cover.
He rolled and rolled, the first few mines already been set off by Derpy. She cringed at each slither of progress the rapidly slowing Blueblood made. That was, until his awakening completely distracted her.
He yawned and casually looked around, not yet realising exactly what was going on or why he was spinning in what he assumed to be his luxurious bed. As soon as he noticed his entrapment, he also saw Discord, and everything memory came flooding back.
"For the love of-"
*SPLURT*
He screamed a shrill, feminine scream as the four Bessies™ took him to the moon.
Spitfire felt a lot worse knowing he was awake to experience it, while Discord was bursting with laughter. The fillies watched him as if he were a firework, 'ooh-ing' and 'ahh-ing' as another mine popped up and followed the shooting star, making daft patterns in the sky.
Discord was applauding amidst excessive laughing, taking pride that he needn't even tell them to cause chaos anymore. It came naturally. His objective was being fulfilled, slowly and hilariously.
Spitfire thought about sending Soarin's unconscious body to mop up any leftovers, but if he woke up too she wouldn't hear the last of it.
As ready as she was going to be, Spitfire launched herself through the course.
Hitting the end of the sand patch with only one mine activating, and promptly failing to match her velocity, she continued on to the gauntlet.
Nothing more than a menial Equestrian Gladiator challenge, Spitfire dodged and weaved with ease. No match more the captain of the Wonderbolts. It was the pressure plates that were tougher.
The stone grey plates shot out of the ground and into the air, mirroring the mines she had previously defeated. A plume of steam rocketed them upwards at her, stealing her view from the logs so she could effectively avoid them.
The lumbering smash of a log collided with her right wing, sending her into a spin. She couldn't call herself a Wonderbolt if she didn't recover from this.
Falling into the momentum and balancing the effort on each wing, she used less than a second of resurveying her surroundings to avoid the last few logs.
While she spotted nothing immediately ahead of her, she didn't take a pause for fear of a lovely Discord-style surprise. The cheering of the caged ponies could be heard, beckoning her past the last hurdle that hastily flanked her either side and up to the end of the run: her view was swarmed with parasprites.
Punching a hole through the lovable swarm, parasprites clouded Spitfire's peripheral as she was forced to close her eyes. She felt them bogging her down, the cuddly cute mass sticking to her as she advanced. She was forced to hold her breath- choking on one of these wasn't how she wanted to go.
Breaking through the last of them, she met flexibility and freedom, not caring that she was going far too fast to stop. She crashed into the cage with a resounding 'clang', and the cheering quickly turned to 'ooh...' and mutterings of concern.
But the pain eating her entire body was not enough to overshadow the fact that when she heard these partly-insane ponies voices, it meant she had won. She opened her eyes and saw just that, with a heck of a lot of sweat surrounding her. Discord teleported to her along with a snoozing Soarin and the three fillies who were applauding her as well.
The others' noises of happiness were drowned out by heavy, slow claps from a sarcastic draconequues.
"Well done, well done, you actually won that little game." He muttered underneath his breath momentarily, "I swear I had those parasprites set to carnivorous..." He removed the cage reluctantly, and the prisoners, namely Vinyl and Lyra, raised Spitfire into the air through magic.
"Can we please, please go now?" Octavia asked.
Silence fell as they anticipated Discord's next words.
"You can go," He said, normally, but always with a smirk. "But I promise you, and take this as you will: this experience will stay with you."
He disappeared, causing the walls trapping them to crumble and reveal the nature they had been kept from for so long.
There wasn't much sunshine anymore, but the wind carried a refreshing, cold bite that would have to serve as a rush for the final length home. The desert, the one which they were sure did not actually exist, was no longer in the distance. Hills replaced the dead flat of grass, a little area of paradise in a chaotic world.
Unfortunately, this paradise didn't have any of their stuff, so they resolved to try and head right back into the chaos as soon as possible.
"What do you think he meant by that?" Bon-Bon asked anypony who would answer.
"Who cares?! Freedom!" Vinyl said, raising her hooves before looking around. "In what direction exactly is freedom?"
Answering for her was something that was not a pony. A series of mechanical noises signalled the arrival of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy, steam shooting from it into the air and an uncontrolled green magical aura circling the important bits. It chugged towards them hesitantly, and stopped right in front of them. No-pony was driving.
"I always wondered what went on inside here, brother," The voice of a stallion said.
"Despite making it, Flam?"
"It's very untidy in here. We need to work on this."
Spitfire, Lyra, Bon-Bon, Octavia, Vinyl, Fancypants and the CMC looked at the machine, the talking stopping. Soarin, meanwhile, decided to wake up and witness the con-stallions' captivity in the machine.
"Did we win?" He asked groggily, lifting his head with a lot of effort.
"Oh, its you guys," Flim said.
"Looks like no," And he fell back asleep, the talking machine, amongst other things today, sure to haunt his mind.
"Sorry, it's kinda hard to see in here. By which I mean it's impossible," Flim continued.
"Rides to Ponyville! A hundred bits a head, fifty for the little ones!" Flam said.
The group looked at each other, trying to figure out which one would cough up the hefty, but necessary price. A quick whisper amongst themselves, and the problem was solved. The rumbling of hooves on sturdy wood took Flim's attention.
"You just all jumped on didn't you?" Flim sighed. "I miss my eyes. And body. And not being inside this machine. Fine! Let's go."
