All the Trolls. ALL OF THEM.

by Alex Prior

Act 3 Chapter 2

Begin Chapter 2

*jingle*

The chiming of Trollian shook Vantas out of his stupor. He flipped his husktop out of his modus and opened it.

theHuntress [TH] began trolling treshsecutionerVantas [TV] at 13:04.

TH: :33 < hi vantas!
TV: WHAT? LEIJON? WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
TH: :33 < oh nowhere. just cat-ching up with an old friend!
TV: OH NO. THE UNSPELLABLE GUY? WHY THE FUCK FOR?
TH: :33 < silly! the old kitty would nefurr furgive me if i didn’t just drop in when i had the chance! can you imagine how grrrrumpy he would be?
TV: ...
TH: :33 < but that’s okay, because we’re here now! annnd he kinda n33ds our help a little. h33 h33!
TV: ...
TV: AND WHAT DOES THIS CATLOVER NEED WITH US?
TH: :33 < he needs brains in archeology! ruins and puzzles and the like.
TV: NO. NO WAY.
TV: YOU ASK MEGIDO.
TV: I REFUSE.
TH: :33 < oh haa haa, vantas. like she gave her trolltag to anyone or anything.
TV: ...
TV: FINE. I’LL ASK HER.
TV: BUT SHE’LL PROBABLY INSIST ON DRAGGING US ALL ALONG.
TV: AND YOU KNOW HOW THESE GLUBBERS WHINE.
TH :33 < you’ll be fine! i believe in you!
TV: ...
TV: ...
TV: FINE.

treshsecutionerVantas [TV] ceased trolling theHuntress [TH] at 13:10.

Vantas pocketed his husktop with a groan. This was going to suck.

-----

“Err…” Fluttershy stared awkwardly at her drink, before glancing back up at Swift Lance. Or the Controller. Whatever his name was. In fact…

“What do you want me to call you?”

“Hmm?” Nitram said as he poured the rest of his beverage into his mouth. “I mean… What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s just… I don’t know whether to call you Swift Lance because we’re in a crowded area, or the Controller because it’s your title, or-”

“No,” Nitram interrupted. “Forget Sw1ft Lance. We’re 1n a cafe for well-off pon1es, and they’re not go1ng to care a8out anyone 8ut themselves, and the Controller 1s just… too formal, 1 guess. Just… call me N1tram, OK?”

“OK,” Fluttershy replied. “And, um… thanks for buying me this drink. But… why did you want me to come here? And… how exactly did I know to come?”

“Oh, that,” Nitram said. “ 1 sent you a su8l1m1nal m1nd message- 1t’s just a th1ng 1 can do. As for the other th1ng… you see, 1’m not the most vocal of sorts, 1n any g1ven s1tuat1on, and that usually means 1’m g1ven more t1me to o8serve th1ngs than those actually part1cip81ng 1n sa1d th1ngs. As such, 1 not1ced someth1ng, err, at the end of our… encounter, the other day. At least, um, 1’m relat1vely sure 1 d1d. 8ut just 1n case, 1’d l1ke you to conf1rm.” He leaned in closer. “When M1ss… Tw1l1ght, was 1t? When M1ss Tw1l1ght suggested we all t8ke a 8r8k the other day… she wasn’t try1ng to d1stract us, was she?”

“Err- how should I know?” Fluttershy asked, backing away from the minotaur. Nitram’s eyes widened as he realized he’d essentially been sticking his face right into hers (small cafe tables, am I right?). He backed off before answering.

“You’re l1ke me,” he said. “You seem l1ke the qu1et one, 1 mean. 1’m not try1ng to 8e offens1ve or anyth1ng, and 1 apolog1ze 1f 1 am, 8ut you’d pro8a8ly the one to catch anyth1ng a8out your fr1ends. 8ecause you’re the qu1et one. 1 th1nk.”

“Err- yeah, I guess,” Fluttershy answered. “I mean… yeah, I’m the quiet one. And about Twilight… I guess I don’t really know what she was thinking exactly, but she seemed pretty surprised when the trolls accused her of stalling for time. And maybe a little offended, but the trolls don’t know her well and if somepony explained that to her I don’t think she’d be as upset. Also-”

“Wa1t,” Nitram interrupted. “One th1ng at a t1me, please.”

“Oh!” Fluttershy cried, putting a hoof to her mouth. “Sorry, I usually never talk this much.”

“Ne1ther do 1,” Nitram replied. “8ut regardless, th1s all 8ut conf1rms my prev1ous susp1c1ons.”

“...And what would those be?” Fluttershy inquired.

“That ne1ther or us really h8 each other and that we could all 8e fr1ends!”

This brought a smile to the pegasus’s face. “Oh, that’s great! And hearing it come from one of you… Oh, it’ll make Twilight and the rest so happy to hear that!”

“Woah. Slow down a sec,” Nitram said, accompanied with the cutting motion of his hand. “We may not want to advance that qu1ckly. There are most def1n1tely mem8ers of my group that aren’t exactly too exc1ted by the 1dea of a mutual fr1endsh1p for… um, the1r own reasons. And 1’m w1ll1ng to 8et that a 8unch of yours are a8out the same. Correct?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Fluttershy said. She put a hoof to her head as she thought. “I mean, Twilight seemed to be open to the idea of being friends with you since she offered to bring you all to Sugarcube Corner, but that was before you accused her of stalling, and besides that, Princess Celestia thinks you all are bad news and Twilight thinks Princess Celestia is always right. Applejack might be up for it, and she definitely seemed to be thinking hard about you all, but she’s a very practical, down-to-earth pony. She enjoys it when things can be simple, and she may have a hard time making up her mind about you, since so much of what you do contradicts itself. She’ll also be sure to remember the beating you lot gave her a while back. Rainbow Dash needed time to think as well, and I know that she definitely wasn’t very happy after your last fight where you pinned her to the ground. See, she’s got this big thing with being a hero, and she won’t like that you took her out so easily. But at the same time, she might just respect you for that, and want to learn your ways or something. It’s not always simple with Rainbow Dash. It’s never simple with Pinkie Pie, but she seems to be perpetually happy, so she’d probably just do whatever anyways. And Rarity… well she told me herself that she didn’t know what to think, so I don’t even have to wonder about that. Hey!” Fluttershy cried as her monologue petered out and she caught sight of Nitram’s grinning face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You undersell yourself, sister,” Nitram grinned. Suddenly, his smirk disappeared. “W8… 1 d1dn’t mean for 1t to sound so… You don’t do yourself serv1ce- no! You’re 8etter than you cla1m to 8e- no! Your… your descr1pt1on of yourself doesn’t do you just1ce… aw, forget it.”

“Umm…”

“cHANGING THE TOPIC! 1 mean… there’s one pony whose op1n1ons you haven’t g1ven me.”

“Really?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes. Yours.”

“Oh! That’s an easy one,” Fluttershy smiled. “I’d love to be friends! I really don’t like all this fighting.

Nitram grinned. “You have no 1dea how glad 1 am to hear you say that.” Seconds later his eyes widened and his grin disappeared. “wAIT. sHIT.”

A sudden ding caught his attention. Nitram turned away from Fluttershy, who was now hiding a blush, incredibly gracious for such a distraction at such an awkward moment.

jenniferMegido [JM] began trolling toreadorNitram [TN] at 13:31

JM: Nitram! Wherever y0u are, get back here! ASAP!
JM: 0h, I’m just s0 excited. T0 think such a w0nderful 0ppurtunity w0uld just fall int0 0ur laps.
JM: Well, c0me 0N already!
TN: F1ne! 1’m com1ng! 1’ll see you soon!

toreadorNitram [TN] ceased trolling jenniferMegido [JM] at 13:33

“1 have to go,” Nitram said as he rose from his seat.

“What?” Fluttershy asked. “But- there’s so many things we need to talk about if we’re going to make everyone get along.”

“1’ll contact you aga1n a8out that stuff. 1n the meant1me, just try to encourage a pos1t1ve 1mpress1on of trolls w1th your fr1ends and 1’ll do the same w1th m1ne. Now, 1 really do need to go.”

With those words, Fluttershy watched as Nitram turned and walked out of the cafe on his metal legs. She gave a small sigh, ignored that damn hand floating by, and turned to her drink. It had gone lukewarm.

-----

With a *whoosh* Nitram transportalized into the lab, to find everyone running every which way carrying every which thing to every which place. “Um- excuse me? Hello? What’s go1ng on?” When no one answered, he grabbed the shoulder of the closest passing troll. “Hey! Would you m1nd expla1n1ng to me what’s go1ng on here?”

The troll turned, and as soon as Nitram caught a glimpse of her face he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. “Nitram?” Serket asked. “What are you doing here? Where have you 8een?”

“Err... 1…”

“Were you down in Equestria?” Serket cried. “What were you doing down there? And you 8etter tell the truth, 8ecause trust me- I’ll know.”

“1… wAS…”

“Nitram!” The Controller gave a small sigh of relief at the enthusiastic voice of Megido, as she darted from the crowd and grabbed him, dragging him away from a suspicious Serket. “0h, it’s just w0nderful. I’m s0 excited t0 have a chance like this!” Megido cheered.

“Uhh… what’s so wonderful?” Nitram asked as he glanced around. Trolls were packing boxes, shuttling items to and from transportalizers, and making no shortage of noise while doing so.

“That’s right, y0u haven’t heard the news yet,” Megido remembered. “Leij0n and an 0ld acquaintance 0f hers have asked us t0 expl0re s0me ancient Equestrian ruins t0 find s0me ancient p0wer that was l0cked away there, l0ng ag0. 00h, I’m s0 excited! Imagine all the artifacts! All the culture! All the learning!”

Nitram gave a gulp. “Yeah, that sounds… gr8. 1, uMM, am fasc1n8ed by the ru1ns, and.. stuff?”

Megido giggled. “0h, Nitram. D0 try t0 take a m0re p0sitive 0utl00k 0n this expediti0n! We even get t0 w0rk with an animal expert!”

Somewhere behind her, Vantas and Redglare exchanged a confuddled look.
(Did she seriously just call Ahuizzbluhbluh-I-can-never-spell-that-name an animal expert?) (Y34h. 1 3xp3ct 1t h4s som3th1ng to do w1th th3 c4ts.) (That sneaky little... she must know Nitram can’t resist animals!) (G33, 1 wond3r how sh3 could h4v3 found out.) (Oh shut up, Redglare.)

“OK. For the t1me 8eing, and for the s8ke of rema1n1ng ‘entus1ast1c,’ 1 w1ll pretend my cat allerg1es aren’t that 8ad.”

“That’s the spirit!” Megido cheered.

“Hey! Indy-wannabe!” Megido turned to find Vantas, looking perhaps more annoyed than usual. “We’ve got all your ropes and compasses and shit packed up and ready to go. You’re welcome for that.”

“Great j0b, Vantas,” Megido replied. “I think we’ll be g00d t0 g0, then. Y0u can j0in all the supplies 0n the transp0rtalizer, and we can get g0ing.” She turned to the largest monitor in the lab, and the troll sitting in front of it. “Hey, Capt0r! Y0u g0t all 0f the surveillance stuff running?”

“Ye2, Megiido,” Captor sighed from his seat. “II thiink II’ve told you that already, by the way. Multiiple tiime2.”

“Just making sure,” Megido replied. She turned back to the *whooshing* transportalizers. “Well, c0me 0n, Nitram. It’s time we g0t g0ing!” Megido leapt onto and transportalizer and disappeared in a flash. Nitram sighed, and made to follow her when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey. Toreador.” Nitram turned and shivered a little as he found himself once again face to face with Serket. “We’re going to talk about your little romp through Equestria. L8ter.” Serket emphasized her point with a threatening glare, before walking onto the transportalizer herself and *whooshing* away.

“Gr8. Excellent. 1 am so 1n the doghouse.” Another *whoosh* and the lab was empty once again.

“Hey! Don’t forget about me, you piiece of 2hiit!”

OK, mostly empty. Wait, how can you hear me?

“Umm… weather balloon2?”

*Sigh*

-----

The Raidawren Ruins were built into a mountain, shafts and tunnels dug over centuries of hard labor, cutting into the massive geologic landmark. The entrance consisted of a great, gaping hole, supported with all manner of columns and pillars, etched with centuries of ancient text. And Megido was loving every part of it.

“0h g0d, l00k at all this! It’s amazing!” She dashed back and forth among the entrance observing both structures of rock and piles of rubbled. “Hey, Capt0r. Y0u getting all this?” Megido spoke into the microphone of her headset.

“Readiing iit loud and clear,” Captor replied from his headset, as he took a look through the live video feed from his computer. “II’m analyziing the wriiting2 a2 we 2peak. Cataloguiing the character2 for later cro22-referenciing, you know the driill.”

“And h0w ab0ut structural integrity? Can we be sure this thing w0n’t c0llapse on us?”

“Ba2ed on my calculatiion2, ye2,” Captor answered. “Whatever ciiviiliizatiion de2iigned thii2 knew theiir engiineeriing 2hiit. Nothiing 2hort of a pre-iin2talled 2elf-de2truct button would take that thiing down. Though- don’t you thiink II 2hould’ve run the2e equatiion2 before you 2ent the other2 iin?”

“Ah, d0n’t w0rry,” Megido dismissed. “Serket’s with them, and she’s g0t all 0f the luck.”

“Wouldn’t operatiing on that 2ort of logiic diictate that all the re2t of them would have none of the luck?” Captor asked.

“Yes. Which means it’s a g00d thing this place is structurally s0und.” Megido turned to her partner. “Well, Zahhak. I supp0se we better get g0ing. 0therwise, Amp0ra might beat us t0 the treasure!”

Zahhak gave a quick grin before following Megido into the ruins.

-----

“Shh,” Serket put a finger to her lips, a gesture for Nitram to stay quiet, as she peered around the corner of the corridor. Nitram tried his best to pant a bit less quietly as he hefted the heavy backpack full of adventuring supplies, waiting patiently as Vriska continued her analysis. The hallway ahead was lit with torches, burning purple with a magical flame. It seemed to be free of any traps- but she’d have to double check. They’d had five safe passages so far, a greater amount than any before. A trap had to come up sooner or later.

Serket took a closer look, tapping into her aspect and combing the hallway for knowledge of what may lie ahead. There.

Tiny, almost nonexistent holes lay scattered throughout the corridor’s walls, small slits just waiting for some absentminded explorer to stroll along to his doom. Her eyes narrowed and a smile came to her lips.

“Hey, Nitram,” she said, turning to the troll struggling to carry his enormous adventure bag. “I’m gonna need some luck for this.”

“Urgh. W8, what?” Nitram grunted.

“Gr8! Thanks!”

With the snap of her fingers, a status message popped up next to Serket. + ALL the luck. Nitram glanced over to see a similar message pop up next to him. - ALL the luck. “Uh oh.”

Serket took a step into the corridors. A dart flew from the slit in the wall, soaring across the hallway. By an incredible stroke of luck, the dart missed Serket entirely, bouncing harmlessly off the other wall. Serket kept walking. Around her, darts flew like bullets, shooting from either wall as soon as Serket approached, but none hit her. Either they fired early, or fired late, or a random gust of wind knocked them off course- whatever the reason, Serket emerged from the dart walls unharmed.

“See how easy that was? Thank’s for that, Nitram,” Serket smiled. When she didn’t hear a reply, she glanced back. “Nitram?”

“Err- M1ndfang?” Nitram stammered as he glanced at his feet. “1 don’t recall the floor 8e1ng th1s unsta8le 8efore. D1d you do some- aHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Nitram let out a cry of fear as the temple floor beneath him collapsed, dropping him into the dark room below.

“Nitram!!!!!!!!” Serket screamed, turning to dash after her falling partner. The hallway flew by as she sprinted towards the hole. With a leap, Serket slid through the crack and fell into the dim chamber below.

Serket landed feet first, ready for action. The only source of illumination was the small hole above her, leaving most of the room shrouded in night. Serket squinted into the darkness, wishing for a moment that she were the Seer of Light- then retracting that wish. She had all of the respect for Rose Lalonde. She did not want to be Rose Lalonde.

Serket dug into her pocket and extracted the one piece of gear she hadn’t let Nitram carry- a powerful flashlight. She turned it on, letting the beam of brightness cut through the dark veil. It passed over some stone work and a couple shards of pottery she’d probably be interested in if she were an archeologist and not a treasure hunter.

Suddenly, an aggressive hiss pierced through the room, and Serket swung her light towards the source of the sound. Her eyes went wide as the flashlight revealed an enormous serpent, its mouth wide as it gave another threatening hiss. “Sn8kes,” she moaned. “Why did it have to 8e sn8kes?”

Suddenly, the snake turned to reveal a troll riding on its back. “Hey, M1ndfang,” Nitram called, giving the Thief a friendly wave. “Look who I found.”

Serket leapt up onto the snake’s back and gave Nitram a fierce slap across the face. “Oww,” he moaned. “What was that for?”

“N8xt time,” Serket hissed, “You will y8ll for me, t8ll me that you found the giant sn8ke, instead of alm8st sc8ring me to d8ath. G8t it!?”

“s-s-s-s-sORRY!” Nitram replied. “i’LL DO THAT!”

“Good,” Serket said as she turned away and hopped off the giant serpent.

“Can 1 at least get h1m to carry our stuff?”

-----

“:33< Aww, who’s a good kitty. You are. Yes you are,” Leijon mewed as she gave the panther a vigorous loving belly rub. The tiger nudged her from behind, and gave a soft meow. “:33< I’ll get you, don’t worry,” Leijon grinned. “:33< Wait- I mean I’ll get to you, not I’ll get you. That’s what I meownt. Yeah.”

Softly, Ahuizotl facepalmed. Yes, he could admit that it was adorable. But still, his cats were supposed to be fearsome creatures! Oh well. He suppressed a smile. “Leijon?” She looked up. “While I can admit that you playing with my cats is rather adorable, shouldn’t we be going after the treasure? Otherwise your compatriots will arrive to the treasure before I do!”

Leijon giggled. “Silly kitty! That was the whole point of getting them here, wasn’t it? I mean, you weren’t able to find it yourself... right?”

Ahuizotl sighed. “Yes, you are correct. I wasn’t able to find it myself, so I needed someone to follow. But, must I remind you,” he raised his voice, “We’re already AT the ruins, so it’s less a matter of finding the temple and more a matter of ACTUALLY GOING INSIDE!” He panted a little.

Leijon giggled. “See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Come on!” She pounced off towards the ruins, startling the blue creature. “Wait, wha-- Wait!” He pounded after her, his cats following.

-----

“So… there’s supposed to be some mythical treasure in here or something?”

“That’s what I’ve been told, Ampora,” Vantas groaned. “According to our verifiably insane, kitten-loving sources, there’s an alleged, all-powerful horseshit MacGuffin at the end of the booby trap infested horseshit ruins. Possibly hidden deep under yet another pile of horseshit. And we’re searching for it.”

“So, are you saying wwe’re both of the opinion that this is all a colossal wwaste of time?” Ampora asked.

Vantas froze mid-stride and Ampora bumped into him from behind (“Oww. Wwarn me next time, you piece of shit.”).“Wait. Is that what I was saying? No. Since by principle we may never agree on anything, I therefore love this plan and think it’s the best idea to ever grace our idiot friends’ minds.”

“Oh har de har har, Vvantas. That’s awwful mature of you.”

“Shut up, Ampora. At least we’re finally doing something. Weren’t you complaining about our lack of action the other day or something?”

“You knoww wwhat I mean, Vvantas. I meant it’s about time wwe made plans to take on the fuckin seaponies.”

“OK, could you just go for a friggin hour not talking about the seaponies? Because I tell ya, it’d be mighty refreshing.”

“You knoww wwhat, you shut up, Vvantas. This is something that’s important to me and I wwon’t havve you yellin’ at me about it.”

“Why did I have to be the one to end up with you as a partner?”

“I wwonder wwhat Peixes is up to now.”

-----

The sealed room flooded with water, gushing from large pipes above the troll’s heads. Peixes glanced disapprovingly at the trap. “Is t)(is t)(e best t)(ey can do?” she groaned. “I mean, we can both breathe underwater, so this is just completely pointless. T)(ey could at least add some piran)(as, don’t you t)(ink?”

Maryam gave Peixes an annoyed glare as she struggled to keep her head above the water level. Peixes blushed a little, before putting her hand behind her head and smiling awkwardly. “Sorry. Just too used to working wit)( Ampora, I guess.”

“Though I Accept Your Apology And Acknowledge Its Reasonable Cause, That Does Little In The Way Of Procuring A Solution To My Rapidly Approaching Demise Via Drowning, Peixes.”

“Sorry again,” Peixes quickly responded. “There’s probably a tile or something I can press to drain the water. Sea you in a sec.”

-----

As Vantas and Ampora came to the end of one hallway and pushed the opposing door open, they found that it lead to a stubby platform jutting out over a deep, extensive chasm. Opposite the gorge, an identical platform led to an identical gorge, perhaps six meters away. Vantas gave a sigh, and dug through his pack for a grapple and some rope. Swinging the hook above his head, he tossed t he tool towards the ceiling above; it latched onto some rock and left the rope hanging, a perfect swing across the canyon.

Vantas gave it an experimental tug. “I think it’s safe, but just to be sure… Ampora, you go first.”

“Did you just bring me here to abuse me?” Ampora asked as he took the rope into his tight fishy grip.

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Vantas said. “I’ll catch you if the hook comes off, don’t worry.”

“Fine,” Ampora said as he pulled back on the rope. Dashing forwards, his feet left the ground and he swung safely across the canyon, landing on the opposing platform. He tossed the rope back. “Alright Vvantas, it’s your turn.”

“I know, I know,” Vantas replied as he too wound up. He leapt forwards, the rope pulled taut by his weight, as he swung like a pendulum across the gap.

*SLAM!*
Vantas collided mid-swing with something rather small. And feathery. Which happened to have a gray mane and a pith helmet. His eyes widened and his grip to the rope tightened. “Daring Do?”

-----

End Chapter Two

Author's Note:

Well then! Another chapter gone... Oh well.

Haven't heard a peep from the readers lately tho. Wonder why.
Oh well, it probably has no significance whatsoever.

As always (except this is the first time I'm saying this), don't forget to like and comment! (well, at least comment. An author's curious, you know?)

Comments

[Caldoric]

The plot thickens...

[Rikki]

The plot holes widen.