The Princesses' Secret

by Sleepy Panda

Gaea tries to woo her Posterior

"The first pronoun we are going to be learning is 'you'," Posterior announced, pacing back and forth in the front of the room. The hall had been converted into a temporary classroom for the queen. Chalkboards were placed around the room and the Queen sat near Posterior on a plush cushion of the finest silk. "'You' is the equivalent to the archaic 'thou'," he continued. "Although ponies will still understand what you're saying, it sounds odd to them. Odd-sounding language may become a barrier between you and your subjects, making it more difficult to connect with them effectively."

"You?" Gaea tried.

"Yes, just like that," Posterior confirmed.

"You art looking radiant today," Gaea said. Posterior ignored the compliment.

"You have the word 'you' correct, but there's another word we need to fix. Try saying 'are' instead of 'art'," Posterior instructed.

"You arth a sight to behold." Posterior shook his head.

"No no, try again."

"Arrrrrrrrr?" Gaea tried again.

"Closer," Posterior remarked, "but use it in a sentence."

"You are annoying us."

"That's correct." Posterior's lessons were boring, so Queen Gaea decided to spice things up a bit.

"Posterior, does thou knowest why we have given thou the name of 'Posterior'?" she questioned, abandoning all of her recently acquired knowledge of the modern language in favor of archaic Equestrian.

"No, Your Majesty," Posterior answered. Queen Gaea stood up from her cushion and slowly walked in circles around him.

"Because thou hast a nice posterior," Queen Gaea remarked.

"Thank you." Either Posterior was completely oblivious or incredibly professional. "Which reminds me, the word 'hast' is no longer in usage."

Queen Gaea rolled her eyes and spread her wings, then leaped upwards and flew out of the hall. "Lessons have been cancelled until the next sunrise. Thou art to report to the second floor bathroom in the east wing to aid thy partner in the guarding of Luna and Celestia."

---

Posterior and Suncatcher stood on opposite sides of the door, saying nothing and staying still. At least, Suncatcher was trying to stay still. She'd had a lot of coffee that morning, and she couldn't help but to notice that Suncatcher was fidgeting ever so slightly. That was unusual, and unusual was exciting.

Oddly enough, Posterior was the one to break the silence. "Suncatcher, can I ask you something?"

Suncatcher's jaw fell open and nearly hit the floor. "M-me?" This must have been the first time Posterior had even spoken casually to a fellow guard when he was on duty.

"Yes, you. It's about Queen Gaea. Something seems... off."

"Is it about how casually she's acting towards us?" Suncatcher asked quizzically.

"Sort of, but not really." Posterior shifted his weight from side to side, uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure why she's so casual. Maybe time being locked away has made her forget to be rigid with her subjects?" Suncatcher suggested.

"Yes, I have little doubt that you're correct in that assumption, but that's not quite what I was asking about." Posterior sighed, not wanting to discuss it all too much, but he had to talk to somepony or he'd go insane. "She keeps complimenting me and talking to me in a really strange tone of voice. She spent most of our speech lesson doing that, actually."

Suncatcher's eyes widened. "Oh... you're worried about what she said to the princesses, aren't you? That she was looking for a mate."

"Yes," Posterior confirmed.

"Oh. Oh my." Suncatcher would normally find this situation to be extremely amusing, but Posterior seemed rather bothered by it all. Despite his attitude towards her, she considered him to be her friend. The best guard partners looked after each other.

"I don't know what to do. If she decides to force a relationship, then I must go along with it because of her royal status." Posterior abandoned all professionalism and took a step away from his post to look directly at Suncatcher. "Please help," he begged.

"Oh, um okay," Suncatcher agreed, a bit taken aback by his sudden shift in attitude. "You could try making yourself seem undesirable - but subtly. You don't want to lay it on too thick or she'll figure it out, and that wouldn't be good. Like, at all."

"But how? I don't know anything about romance, or anti-romance," Posterior panicked.

"Easy there. I can give you lessons," Suncatcher offered. Practice dates and the like. I've had lots of romantic failures and horrible stallions in my life, so I've learned a lot."

"Oh, thank you! When shall we start?" Posterior asked.

"Not yet, buddy. This is gonna be a quid pro quo sort of thing. I'll give you the lessons, but only in exchange for you giving me lessons on how to be a better royal guard." Might as well get something out of this, right?

"Sounds good to me." It sounded really good to him, actually. Not only would he be getting help to deal with his problem, but his partner was going to improve, resulting in less stress for him.

"Awesome!" Suncatcher spat on her hoof and held it out. Posterior stared at it, disgusted.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"You shake on it," she explained.

"That's unsanitary."

"You're unsanitary."

"...And to think that I'll be going on practice dates with you," he grumbled, resuming his post so that he wouldn't have to talk to her for any longer.

Author's Note:

I'm actually really proud of myself for coming up with this chapter title.

Fun fact: I accidentally wrote Suncatcher's name as Sunchaser throughout this entire chapter (I fixed it though). I think I like the latter name better. Maybe I'll use it for a future OC or something.

Should I add a comedy tag or no?

Comments

[Ralfil]

Posterior and Suncatcher stood on opposite sides of the door, saying nothing and staying still. At least, Sunchaser was trying to stay still. She'd had a lot of coffee that morning, and she couldn't help but to notice that Suncatcher was fidgeting ever so slightly. That was unusual, and unusual was exciting.

Mostly right.

[Sleepy Panda]

6130817 Whoops!

Will fix, much thanks.

[PhoelynFabulous]

Please add the comedy tag. It really fits.

This story is going great!

[DiscordFan]

Add the tag.

[ColdGoldLazarus]

Will we ever discover Posterior's previous name?

[Sleepy Panda]

6134750 Maybe once I think of one.

[ColdGoldLazarus]

6134820 Heh, poor guy.