"Dishonorable Discharge"
Blood.
I've never seen so much blood.
That was the one of the things that came to Royal Guard, Private Titanium Blade. Through all the acrid smoke, screams of terror of the ponies running for their lives and the dying laughter of the deranged arsonist, that is what stuck out.
The only other thing he could think of was; this is my fault. I did this.
The Las Pegasus Traders Exchange lay in ruins, all because he left his post. One minute of investigating a rustling bush, and some twisted pony was able to sneak in, setting fire to many of the buildings.
How did this happen?
How could I let this happen?
In his head, he heard the voice of his battalion captain, Shining Armor, saying "Training before instinct, Blade. Don't try and be the hero."
I should have listened...
Blade was a grey pegasus with the average build of a Royal Guard; stocky and strong, but agile. His silvery mane was obscured by his helmet.
But for even a tough guard, this was hard. He had left his post.
Two words came to his mind, and wouldn't leave:
Blade, deserter... Blade, deserter...
Blade jumped as he was snapped from his thoughts, hearing his name being called, weakly.
"Blade...Private Blade..."
He went toward the faint voice, looking for its source.
"Titan...ium Blade..."
Blade searched for the owner of the voice, ignoring the rubble and destruction around him. He heard maniacal laughter drifting from a collapsed building.
No...
"Thank you... Blade..." the voice gasped.
"No. Shut up!" Blade said.
"You let me in, so politely...That... that thing-in-bush trick worked nicely..."
"No! No! You're a monster! Look at what you've done!" Blade pointed at the destruction further into the town. "You caused these fires; you killed those ponies!"
"Yes, yes... I did... I did well, and so did you...” the voice chuckled, ending in a cough.
"Long... live... the Queen!" It exclaimed, its strength fading.
Blade put all his rage into his spear, thrusting it into the location of the voice. He heard a gasp of surprise and then a groan as the wave of pain hit his victim. He withdrew his spear from the creature he had impaled, hearing the soft pitter patter of blood upon the cobblestone, its greenish tone unmistakable.
Changeling blood...I let in a Changeling!
As if letting in any arsonist wasn't bad enough, He let in one of Equestria' s worst enemies: changelings. A changling splinter cell.
Blade hoped with all that was in him that there was only one.
It was in vain.
He heard the buzz of bug-like wings as another Changeling came through, one second too late to save its comrade. It attacked Blade from behind. Blade wrestled with it, before it finally overpowered him, putting him into a chokehold.
The last thing he saw was the death and destruction, which was his fault.
________________________________________
Titanium Blade's eyes fluttered open. He was in bed. Yellow sunlight streamed through the window.
Oh, thank Celestia.He thought. It was just a dream.
He tried to get up, when a sharp pang of pain shot through his chest. He swore, as he gently laid back down.
My chest...
The fight...
No.
It could not have been real.
Could it?
Blade continued to struggle against himself, as a nurse and the Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor, walked in.
"Private Blade," he said, seeing if the soldier was awake.
Blade gulped as he answered weakly. "Yes, sir?"
The nurse checked Blade's bandaged chest as the captain slapped a sealed scroll down on the stand next to the bed.
Shining Armor sighed. "Can you walk?"
Titanium Blade looked at his legs. There were only minor cuts on them.
"Yes, sir."
"Is that alright, nurse?" Shining Armor asked. "Is he clear to walk?"
"Yes, captain," The nurse said. "Just don't be too blunt or rough. You don't want to make him mess up his broken ribs any worse."
"Will do." The captain sighed. "Could... could you leave us, just for a bit?"
"Yes, captain," she said, as she turned and exited the infirmary.
There was a moment of silence, as the private and the captain looked at each other. Finally, Shining Armor broke the silence.
"What happened out there, Blade?" the unicorn asked. Blade averted his eyes.
"I messed up, captain," The weary private said. "I left my station, just for a second,"
"Why? What could have been that important?" The captain said, obviously frustrated.
Blade hesitated. He thought back to why he had left his post.
A bush. How could a rustling bush distract me?
This must be a dream... Wake up!
His wish went unanswered.
Blade took a breath. "There was something in a bush. I thought it could've been important—"
Shining Armor sighed. "Training overrides instinct, Blade. Day one of training! That's where we learned that! Day one, blast it! You should have remembered that!"
Blade didn't answer.
"Look... The event was not entirely your fault. I want you to know that. Which..." Shining Armor lowered his voice. "Which is why this hurts me." The captain picked up the scroll in his magic.
Blade was worried. After the incident, he thought he knew what that scroll was. He was trying to keep strong.
Captain Armor took a deep breath. "Time to get up."
Blade sat up, cringing from the pain from his wounded chest. "Yes, sir."
________________________________________
As he walked with Captain Armor, Titanium Blade drew stares from most of the other guards around base. Many of them were shocked to see a guard in such bad shape; Equestria hadn't been at war in hundreds of years. Some of them hadn't heard the news of the attack, but those who had didn't know it was that bloody.
Others had heard of the incident with Blade, giving him a mixed look of pity and disappointment. Some were unsure if he was a traitor to the Guard.
Blade walked in silence, thinking what was to happen when they reached their destination.
"Captain Armor, sir?" He asked, breaking the silence.
Shining Armor hesitated before answering. "Yes?"
"Where are we going?"
The captain didn't respond. His silence caused shivers in Blade's body.
As they walked, the wounded private noticed that there were many other guards walking somberly in the same direction.
Celestia have mercy...Not this...
Blade knew exactly what the scroll was.
Please...
As they walked, there was a stage with a beam that protruded skyward. From that beam, a loop of rope ominously swung.
Blade was unsure what to do; run, fight, or accept his fate?
Celestia, have mercy! Please!
Please...
As they neared the stage, Blade was jerked to the right, away from his impending death
"This way, private," Shining said.
Blade tore his eyes from the gallows, and looked in the direction he was now headed.
He saw another stage. There was a crowd of ponies around it. Contained in the mass of equine, Blade picked out some faces he knew;
Lieutenant Swift Sword, sergeant Knight Shade, Prince Blueblood,
...Dad?
No. No, please!
Blade was moved up onto the stage. Shining Armor read the sentence:
"Private Titanium Blade, of the 3rd battalion, 5th division, squad 24, is hereby given dishonorable discharge from the guard, as well as exile from Canterlot, for misconduct and cowardice in battle."
Blade didn't hear it.
Dad...This isn't how it looks...
His father, Crossbolt, didn't hear Blade's silent plea. He walked away sadly.
Blade walked away in disappointment. He was a failure.
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Line breaks between each paragraph, please. Wall-o-text isn't that easy on the eyes.
5991620 got it. Thanks!
Okay, I want to help you out here with this. Because as you posted in "Author's helping Authors" it can be a rather distressing affair when things suddenly stop on your story. So I'll give you my honest opinion on it, your story, and what you can do to make it better. This is my opinion though, some people may disagree with it, and you might disagree with it too. That's totally okay.
Spoilers are present after this.
(Initial look)
Well, as... contemptible as this may sound, presentation can be a major influence on getting people's attention with books. Just like it is with anything, if you want to sell it and get it out there to people, it needs to look nice. A good cover image would help with that. The title is odd, but interesting to me. I don't know what you mean by the phrase "The 1,000th Sun". Part of me is intrigued by this, the other part is confused. A thousandth sun would usually mean a thousandth day, or is this some kind of code for something larger? I don't know. Does the summary area for your story reveal more light on this? Kinda.
So this is when Nightmare Moon comes back. Excellent, the phrase "1,000th" is sort of making more sense. I think your tags are off though and you need a Alternate Universe tag. Which is not the end of the world to rock that tag nor a AU tag with a OC tag (See here for an example). When I read
I'm thinking "Oh, this must be a dark universe where Mane 6 are grittier, perhaps the sonic rainboom never happened or something." But that's not the truth.
From what I'm getting at here when I look at the tags, is that an independent group is working against Nightmare Moon, not the Mane 6. Which goes against everyone's headcanon and official canon on the first episode where the Mane 6 defeated NMM with the Elements of Harmony. They were the only ones that could stop NMM. Now, it maybe your headcanon that NMM was weakened, or engaged against a different group before she went to Ponyville and the Ancient Castle of the Royal Sisters. But that would have to be a pretty quick resolution of an issue considering how fast everything went in that episode. She didn't go anywhere else, as soon as Celestia failed to appear behind the curtain when the stars helped NMM escape, NMM appeared right there.
So there is a little bit of canon conflict here. If that is accidental or on purpose is to be determined. Still, a AU tag might be a good idea.
Still speaking on tags, there is sometimes a lag of interest when people don't see their favorite characters in a story. Which is understandable, because it doesn't tickle the interest. For example, I'd think someone who likes TwiDash stories would be far more likely to read a TwiDash story than a FlutterPie story. Without any of the main six on there, you are going to be riding hard on presentation and story quality the most to keep people interested.
(The actual story)
*Reads chapter title
I predict the main character will be dishonorably discharged by the end of this chapter.
So now a changeling is involved? Interesting, I thought this was a NMM return story, be interesting to see what they had to do with any of this. Another interesting fact is that he is invoking the name of Luna, not something I would be expecting to see since she has been gone for so long and the Legend of Nightmare Moon has sort of replaced that. I was under the impression that Luna disappeared from the knowledge of the general public, including the guards. Twilight had been researching the legend and was surprised to hear Celestia call Luna her sister, which was weird. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't believe that Luna would have been a common enough name to be invoked like that.
The pace with Shinning Armor goes fast. He first appears calm and then explodes, with really no prior warning or build up to show that he is attempting to contain his anger, or that it is warranted.
Investigating a suspicious bush sounds like a good reason to me to leave my station and look. Though that is the reason why I kill most of the people in Assassin's Creed Black Flag.
I believe if you are going to be dishonorably discharged, you'd get a heads up sooner then walking into the situation like that. Of course, I haven't been present in a real life dishonorably discharge situation, so I wouldn't know, but you are making your own here.
*prediction was right.
(Thoughts)
It's... simple, bare boned, so to speak. Description is "not there" and you do some fair share of telling instead of showing. Now, this can actually be seen as a style of writing. You can write so that the picturing of the world and events are left entirely up to the reader to create, often adding things of their own into it. Or you can write a very detailed picture giving exactly what needs to be seen. And there is a spectrum of variety almost too numerous to care in between the two. But, just as a heads up, even though the amount varies from reader to reader, most people like some description of things in here. I don't even know what Titanium Blade looks like, and I'm hoping he isn't the Gordon pony in your avatar. Personalities don't seem to match, imho of that case.
The ending didn't have a horrific feeling to me (damage to the guard), or a feeling of pity or remorse for Titanium Blade because I wasn't invested in the character. To tell you the truth, I don't have enough interest in him at this point to look at him and be concerned. To put it bluntly, I don't care about Titanium Blade. I can't relate to him, I can't feel his emotions, I don't have a place in my heart of pity for him. I don't even know what type of pony he is.
If any of those are your intentions, being;
1: "I want to keep the world open like this to let readers imagine their own world while I just provide dots for them to connect the lines."
2: "I want my character to be ambiguous so the readers can make him into anything."
Then I present to you your problems to the low response to your story. I don't want to think that hard for a story of which I'm still trying to piece together what the summary is trying to say. It's a philosophical stance that seems very noble, and angers me because of this hipster I knew in my creative writing class would always make those claims or write emo poems. To be honest, I find those justifications for lazy writing. Now I'm not attacking you over these, please don;t think that even if I am coming off that way. It's just my opinion on the matter.
Already noted Shining Armor. I think him getting angry like that was a bit of an out of character moment.
Already noted the Luna part.
My advise to you, get an editor. That really seems like the "fix it all button" and the number one most recommended advise out there. Maybe it can be seen as "passing the buck", or something like that, but it is one of the best things you can do. It allows another to offer opinions and suggestion the author might have missed or think are good but isn't. It gives another pair of eyes to check for grammar. But there seems to be this "taboo" lately of getting a editor on stories. I don't know if people feel like it's admitting defeat, or a hassle to work with another person (God forbid that occurs in real life), or some sort of fear, but it's silly. the last two people I told to get an editor said "thanks" and then did nothing. Seems odd to me.
(TL;DR)
Get an editor. Add more meat to the bones here. Make the summary clearer and/or add AU tags. Find cover art.
5991622
It looks a lot better now!~
*Gives you a hug*
5991707 Thank you so much. I have been waiting for some actual critique. Here is my response:
I have had one, I might need to get it edited again, though.
This is one of my major flaws as a writer. When I write, in my head, I can see the entire world of the story. I can see everything, and trying to put it down in words is like trying to explain my vision for something, to someone who doesn't have it. For example: The description of Titanium Blade. I made this character about a year ago, and he hasn't changed since. Graphite-coloured pegasus, Silvery-gray mane, sword cutie mark. As you said, I left no indication of these features. I'll try to go back and fix these lack of descriptions.
(Tl;Dr)
That is my flaw, working on it.
Work in progress. I accidentally posted my story before it was done, and it took off, so I left it alone. I plan to have the art done by the end of the month, along with the next chapter.
This is a major problem. It is not AU. It follows my mane six OCs in Ponyville, not in the Everfree forest. They are mainly dealing with the chaos from the rioting ponies and other things, not NMM herself. That will be fixed with the next thing:
I am going to fix that. I might need help, though. Once again, another editor.
(Tl;dr)
I am Woking on fixing it. Thanks for your help!
5991866
I would recommend looking at the Editors-R-Us group. They have a index there to help find editors according to genre, with a resume of each editor.
Hmm... interesting start here. I can see a few poroblems (which I will point out a bit later on) but so far it's not a bad story. It could certainly use some retouches but as a first fanfic it's pretty good. Also I admire your aspiration of having a scenario that includes a war. That is a bold move and I can respect anyone that tries. Also since this is taking place right after the NM escape I'd put an AU tag just in case. Oh and this line
actually made my heart skip a beat. Seriously that scene was nicely done. Now for the problems I noticed:
First problem is: the pacing. it is a bit too fast for my taste. Things just happen and I feel like I am dragged from scene to scen in a rapid succession. Now I like that you experimented with the 'in medias res' style here, but I think a few more descriptions would benefit you greatly. Remember to let your story breath as that way you will ease the reader in to this world you are creating.
The other problem I found is: the lack of information. We know very little of who Titanium Blade is and what he has done. Considering he was one of the causes for this catastrophe (inadvertantly) weshould be able to see more of the actions leading up to that faithful attack. That way we can see his thought process and his actions will be more understandable to us.
So that was all of my critique. Sorry if I came off as a bit brash but I do think you have a cool concept here. Just keep in mind that pacing is one of the most important things in writing a successful story. You don't want it to go too fast or too slow. Just add a few more description either of TB's emotions or of his surrounding and it should be better. In short the fanfic seems interesting and if some if these flaws were fixed I am sure you would get a lot more views. Good luck and keep on writing
6003007 Thanks for the critique! It's a work in progress, and I am also working on slowing it down a bit, and further editing the descriptions in the story.