I knew I should have stayed home today...
Chaos. Tyranny. Destruction. Nightmare Moon's return brought these. The Elements of Harmony defeated her, and pushed back her darkness. But the chaos and confusion was stopped by a more humble group: Two broken ponies, trying to pull their lives back together
Cover art by me.
Officially cancelled as of 10-1-16. Thanks to everyone who read this story!
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Line breaks between each paragraph, please. Wall-o-text isn't that easy on the eyes.
5991620 got it. Thanks!
Okay, I want to help you out here with this. Because as you posted in "Author's helping Authors" it can be a rather distressing affair when things suddenly stop on your story. So I'll give you my honest opinion on it, your story, and what you can do to make it better. This is my opinion though, some people may disagree with it, and you might disagree with it too. That's totally okay.
Spoilers are present after this.
(Initial look)
Well, as... contemptible as this may sound, presentation can be a major influence on getting people's attention with books. Just like it is with anything, if you want to sell it and get it out there to people, it needs to look nice. A good cover image would help with that. The title is odd, but interesting to me. I don't know what you mean by the phrase "The 1,000th Sun". Part of me is intrigued by this, the other part is confused. A thousandth sun would usually mean a thousandth day, or is this some kind of code for something larger? I don't know. Does the summary area for your story reveal more light on this? Kinda.
So this is when Nightmare Moon comes back. Excellent, the phrase "1,000th" is sort of making more sense. I think your tags are off though and you need a Alternate Universe tag. Which is not the end of the world to rock that tag nor a AU tag with a OC tag (See here for an example). When I read
I'm thinking "Oh, this must be a dark universe where Mane 6 are grittier, perhaps the sonic rainboom never happened or something." But that's not the truth.
From what I'm getting at here when I look at the tags, is that an independent group is working against Nightmare Moon, not the Mane 6. Which goes against everyone's headcanon and official canon on the first episode where the Mane 6 defeated NMM with the Elements of Harmony. They were the only ones that could stop NMM. Now, it maybe your headcanon that NMM was weakened, or engaged against a different group before she went to Ponyville and the Ancient Castle of the Royal Sisters. But that would have to be a pretty quick resolution of an issue considering how fast everything went in that episode. She didn't go anywhere else, as soon as Celestia failed to appear behind the curtain when the stars helped NMM escape, NMM appeared right there.
So there is a little bit of canon conflict here. If that is accidental or on purpose is to be determined. Still, a AU tag might be a good idea.
Still speaking on tags, there is sometimes a lag of interest when people don't see their favorite characters in a story. Which is understandable, because it doesn't tickle the interest. For example, I'd think someone who likes TwiDash stories would be far more likely to read a TwiDash story than a FlutterPie story. Without any of the main six on there, you are going to be riding hard on presentation and story quality the most to keep people interested.
(The actual story)
*Reads chapter title
I predict the main character will be dishonorably discharged by the end of this chapter.
So now a changeling is involved? Interesting, I thought this was a NMM return story, be interesting to see what they had to do with any of this. Another interesting fact is that he is invoking the name of Luna, not something I would be expecting to see since she has been gone for so long and the Legend of Nightmare Moon has sort of replaced that. I was under the impression that Luna disappeared from the knowledge of the general public, including the guards. Twilight had been researching the legend and was surprised to hear Celestia call Luna her sister, which was weird. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't believe that Luna would have been a common enough name to be invoked like that.
The pace with Shinning Armor goes fast. He first appears calm and then explodes, with really no prior warning or build up to show that he is attempting to contain his anger, or that it is warranted.
Investigating a suspicious bush sounds like a good reason to me to leave my station and look. Though that is the reason why I kill most of the people in Assassin's Creed Black Flag.
I believe if you are going to be dishonorably discharged, you'd get a heads up sooner then walking into the situation like that. Of course, I haven't been present in a real life dishonorably discharge situation, so I wouldn't know, but you are making your own here.
*prediction was right.
(Thoughts)
It's... simple, bare boned, so to speak. Description is "not there" and you do some fair share of telling instead of showing. Now, this can actually be seen as a style of writing. You can write so that the picturing of the world and events are left entirely up to the reader to create, often adding things of their own into it. Or you can write a very detailed picture giving exactly what needs to be seen. And there is a spectrum of variety almost too numerous to care in between the two. But, just as a heads up, even though the amount varies from reader to reader, most people like some description of things in here. I don't even know what Titanium Blade looks like, and I'm hoping he isn't the Gordon pony in your avatar. Personalities don't seem to match, imho of that case.
The ending didn't have a horrific feeling to me (damage to the guard), or a feeling of pity or remorse for Titanium Blade because I wasn't invested in the character. To tell you the truth, I don't have enough interest in him at this point to look at him and be concerned. To put it bluntly, I don't care about Titanium Blade. I can't relate to him, I can't feel his emotions, I don't have a place in my heart of pity for him. I don't even know what type of pony he is.
If any of those are your intentions, being;
1: "I want to keep the world open like this to let readers imagine their own world while I just provide dots for them to connect the lines."
2: "I want my character to be ambiguous so the readers can make him into anything."
Then I present to you your problems to the low response to your story. I don't want to think that hard for a story of which I'm still trying to piece together what the summary is trying to say. It's a philosophical stance that seems very noble, and angers me because of this hipster I knew in my creative writing class would always make those claims or write emo poems. To be honest, I find those justifications for lazy writing. Now I'm not attacking you over these, please don;t think that even if I am coming off that way. It's just my opinion on the matter.
Already noted Shining Armor. I think him getting angry like that was a bit of an out of character moment.
Already noted the Luna part.
My advise to you, get an editor. That really seems like the "fix it all button" and the number one most recommended advise out there. Maybe it can be seen as "passing the buck", or something like that, but it is one of the best things you can do. It allows another to offer opinions and suggestion the author might have missed or think are good but isn't. It gives another pair of eyes to check for grammar. But there seems to be this "taboo" lately of getting a editor on stories. I don't know if people feel like it's admitting defeat, or a hassle to work with another person (God forbid that occurs in real life), or some sort of fear, but it's silly. the last two people I told to get an editor said "thanks" and then did nothing. Seems odd to me.
(TL;DR)
Get an editor. Add more meat to the bones here. Make the summary clearer and/or add AU tags. Find cover art.
5991622
It looks a lot better now!~
*Gives you a hug*
5991707 Thank you so much. I have been waiting for some actual critique. Here is my response:
I have had one, I might need to get it edited again, though.
This is one of my major flaws as a writer. When I write, in my head, I can see the entire world of the story. I can see everything, and trying to put it down in words is like trying to explain my vision for something, to someone who doesn't have it. For example: The description of Titanium Blade. I made this character about a year ago, and he hasn't changed since. Graphite-coloured pegasus, Silvery-gray mane, sword cutie mark. As you said, I left no indication of these features. I'll try to go back and fix these lack of descriptions.
(Tl;Dr)
That is my flaw, working on it.
Work in progress. I accidentally posted my story before it was done, and it took off, so I left it alone. I plan to have the art done by the end of the month, along with the next chapter.
This is a major problem. It is not AU. It follows my mane six OCs in Ponyville, not in the Everfree forest. They are mainly dealing with the chaos from the rioting ponies and other things, not NMM herself. That will be fixed with the next thing:
I am going to fix that. I might need help, though. Once again, another editor.
(Tl;dr)
I am Woking on fixing it. Thanks for your help!
5991866
I would recommend looking at the Editors-R-Us group. They have a index there to help find editors according to genre, with a resume of each editor.
Hmm... interesting start here. I can see a few poroblems (which I will point out a bit later on) but so far it's not a bad story. It could certainly use some retouches but as a first fanfic it's pretty good. Also I admire your aspiration of having a scenario that includes a war. That is a bold move and I can respect anyone that tries. Also since this is taking place right after the NM escape I'd put an AU tag just in case. Oh and this line
actually made my heart skip a beat. Seriously that scene was nicely done. Now for the problems I noticed:
First problem is: the pacing. it is a bit too fast for my taste. Things just happen and I feel like I am dragged from scene to scen in a rapid succession. Now I like that you experimented with the 'in medias res' style here, but I think a few more descriptions would benefit you greatly. Remember to let your story breath as that way you will ease the reader in to this world you are creating.
The other problem I found is: the lack of information. We know very little of who Titanium Blade is and what he has done. Considering he was one of the causes for this catastrophe (inadvertantly) weshould be able to see more of the actions leading up to that faithful attack. That way we can see his thought process and his actions will be more understandable to us.
So that was all of my critique. Sorry if I came off as a bit brash but I do think you have a cool concept here. Just keep in mind that pacing is one of the most important things in writing a successful story. You don't want it to go too fast or too slow. Just add a few more description either of TB's emotions or of his surrounding and it should be better. In short the fanfic seems interesting and if some if these flaws were fixed I am sure you would get a lot more views. Good luck and keep on writing
6003007 Thanks for the critique! It's a work in progress, and I am also working on slowing it down a bit, and further editing the descriptions in the story.
A house? Sure (for a day maybe. Then once the police sees yall there you gon' git busted), but a city? Erm, I don't think that is how democracy works. Unless you can buy cities now in which case I will take Manehattan for a buck fifty lol
But all jokes aside this chapter was a good improvement over the previous one. Some scenes could be a bit more elabortated on, but I don't think it would add anything to the overall plot. This chapter was quite nice; it had a good flowing narrative, a interesting OC and we see the course of 'action and reaction' here (again a huge improvement). Also I see you took those pacing advice to heart and it really does show here. Crystal herself seems like an interesting character. I was afraid that once you started talking about her disabilities that would be her defining characteristic (that trope is seriously getting annoying and it's seeping even into good works) but you actually did a great job of working with the disability (you even gave her a 'disney princess moment' played out realistically lol). All in all I think this is a major improvement over the previous chapter and I am eager to find out what is to come. Nice work my good sir
6117985 Thanks! I was honestly surprised at how well it came out, considering it was made in a rush. I guess it helps to plan out everything before writing.
6118182 It always does lol