Tomber Amoureux
Chapter 1: Thinking Of Her
By FluffyPinks
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Twilight walked silently as she could feel the soft clip clop that matched the rhythm of her beating heart. A more lively and playful mare; Pinkie, bounced up and down as she brushed up against the mare beside her at least once or twice. Twilight had just finished reading the newest Daring Do book: Daring Do and the Search For the Hidden City. She had enjoyed it a lot, but she enjoyed the pink party mares company a lot more, more than she would admit to.
"Thank you so much for coming along with me to return the book to Rainbow. I hope I wasn't a bother." Twilight said as she began to approach her ginormous castle, which she just starting getting used to.
"Oh it was no trouble at all! Just remember you Pinkie Promised to make cupcakes tomorrow!" Pinkie replied as she bounced along the downtrodden path.
"I won't, it's hard to forget since you've been reminding me about it every two seconds." Twilight replied bluntly.
"I'm such a silly filly, I know that my favorite friend won't miss out on something as fun as making cupcakes with me!" Pinkie said cheerfully as she hugged the lavender mare.
Twilight blushed, but quickly tried to hide it with her crystal castle door.
Pinkie however, did not notice. She was too caught up in thinking about baking cupcakes tomorrow with Twilight, who she liked a lot. Although she couldn’t trust anypony with her feelings on Twilight, she could always talk with Gummy, her pet alligator.
Twilight noticed that Pinkie was a little zoned out, and decided to say goodbye before she could start talking about frosting, or pranking, or something else that Twilight associated with the pink mare.
"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow..." Twilight said awkwardly as she scratched the back of her neck.
"Yeah! Sorry, I was thinking about frosting again but I will definitely see you tomorrow." Pinkie said as she sped off to SugarCube Corner, before Twilight could respond.
~~~~~~
"Oh Pinkie, if only you could know how I feel." Twilight slid down the door onto her flank and sighed with a feeling of melancholy. She slowly trotted through the partially empty castle when she heard the sound of snoring.
Spike how do you do it? She thought jealously. If only she could fall asleep that easily, but she had work to do from Princess Celestia, and she did not want to disappoint. She trotted off to her secluded desk, and began to write her report on Poison Joke, which she already knew too much about. But she couldn’t get her mind off that cotton candy mane, and the mare's beautiful smiles that would almost always reach her sparkling cyan eyes. "I might as well just stop writing if I can't concentrate, I guess I can finish the report tomorrow." Twilight trotted back to her room, and slid into bed, careful not to wake the baby dragon beside her. She began to toss and turn in bed, but finally started to drift off into a deep slumber.
~~~~~
Pinkie was having a similar problem, but she had to remember that she had a whole order of muffins to deliver to Derpy Hooves the next morning. Don’t think about Twilight, don’t think about how you can lose yourself in her amethyst eyes that always light up when she finds something interesting, don’t think about how soft her fur is when you hug her…NO! I need to stop thinking about her! Oh I’m never going to get to sleep, and then I’ll miss the morning and talking to all the ponies, and making all the baked goods and seeing Twilight. Pinkie sighed, and looked desperately at Gummy.
"Oh what am I going to do Gummy? I'll never be able to tell Twi! I don't even think she likes mares." Pinkie cried out glumly. Gummy blinked one eye, and then the other, which Pinkie thought to mean: You can do it! What’s there to be afraid of? "A ton of things! What if she rejects me? What if she never wants to talk to me? What if-" Gummy put his claw to Pinkie’s mouth as if he was showing comprehension. "Thanks for understanding Gummy, I guess I'll just see her tomorrow." Pinkie yawned, and then hopped into her bed, nearly knocking over the poor alligator. She began to snore, and finally was relived of all her previous thought and worries.
~~~~~
Both ponies woke up in the morning feeling slightly well rested, and they were both ready to start the day. Twilight went on with her daily routine of brushing her teeth, taking a shower, combing her mane and finally finding an interesting new book to read later in the day.
Pinkie however, does things a bit differently. She jumped out of bed with enthusiasm, and went in to go brush her teeth, and giggle while she tried, and failed to straighten her mane. She jumped into her shower and turned on the cold water (she always likes to be extra super awake when serving ponies in the morning). Pinkie also remembered that she had told Twilight to come over and bake at exactly 3:00PM. She slid down the licorice railings and got to work with her peppy attitude, as always.
Twilight began to trot towards SugarCube Corner to get her usual. She threw open the bakery doors and smelled the delicious aroma of baked treats. Twilight walked up to the cash register, ready to order.
"Hiya Twi! What can I get for ya?" The excited pink baker asked.
"A dozen chocolate cupcakes with raspberry frosting, please." Twilight replied, eager to eat.
Pinkie had those ready in ten seconds flat, because she always remembered what Twilight wanted.
As Twilight reached for her box of cupcakes her hoof touched Pinkie's, and she hesitantly pulled away, blushing.
Pinkie's blush wasn't visible, her pink coat masked it, but Twilight's blush remained very obvious, so Twilight had to turn so that Pinkie couldn't see her rosy cheeks.
"Thanks." Twilight said nervously as she opened the door to exit SugarCube Corner.
"Any time." Pinkie replied in a cheerful tone.
As Twilight trotted back towards the castle she quickened her pace so she could eat the cupcakes she just bought, finish her report, and ponder how she would confess to Pinkie, or if she should ask her friends for advice.
Pinkie had similar thoughts but she sat in SugarCube corner, feeling defeated. She had to know how to win that beautiful mare over.
She just had to.
Before I get to reading this story, I wanted to point out the first few errors I found.
There shouldn't be a space between forward-slash and Twipie. When listing two items with a common aspect, such as Twinkie Pie and Twipie, the forward-slash is all you need to give the reader an option to choose from. As a result, it should just look like this: Twinkie Pie/Twipie.
Rainbow Dash, and, and Fluttershy. Dash has a first and last name, Flutters only has a first name, technically, and the 'and' is just a technical error.
Pinkie I? lol, I think your 'I' is in the wrong spot. It should be the start of the next sentence, which happens to be missing an 'I'.
That is pretty much all that I have for now. I like the title. Nothing simple, but nothing complicated. You also tell your readers what it means in your description, which I'm okay with. Already, I have a couple questions in mind. I'm wondering if this story is going to be in third-person omniverse, which is suggested in the sentence: "They both have many troubles trying to overcome the fear of rejection"; or if it is going to gear more towards Pinkie's perspective, as the question "Will Pinkie impress Twilight?" suggests. I have no idea, but I will find out in a second.
Hope this information helps you in the long run. If you have any questions as far as writing tips or advice goes, you can just send me a PM, and I will help to the best of my ability. Also, if you are interested in a Twinkie Pie picture to use as a cover art, I have plenty that you can choose from.
Only for you and nothing more,
Fort Impression
5896833 Thank you so much for the changes! I guess I should check for spelling more next time Also, the story will be told in third person, and I just thought it might be funny to have Pinkie do some Pinkie-esk stuff to try to impress Twilight.
5899429 Well, it is a good idea because many would expect Pinkie to try to impress somepony by doing something her love would enjoy, which usually stills ends up going into her own quirky way. I would like to find a story where Twilight is trying to impress Pinkie Pie in an attempt of being quirky like Pinkie, but it doesn't favor well for her. As she attempts to make something fun, which turns out to be more educational than what Rainbow Dash would consider fun. This might defeat Twilight, but Pinkie, understanding her personality, likes to learn new things and will create something fun out of it even when it might not be present. That would make for an interesting story to read.
5900521 Well then you might be in for a surprise! But I don't want to spoil anything
I usually prefer it, if they still have to find out, that they love each other, but the story seems to be nice.
5911345 Thank you I'm kind of confused on your comment though What exactly do you mean by prefer? Do you prefer Pinkie trying to impress Twilight over Twilight trying to impress Pinkie? Do you prefer when they find out without confessing?
5912633 I think they mean they prefer stories where neither character knows that they are in love and over the course of the story first one then the other realize that they're in love. Either first one realizes that they are in love and then tries to win over the other or over time they both realize it and then it's a game of who's going to confess first. Not all that different from this story (at least from what I've read so far) it's more a question of pacing. Start with the characters acting the way they do in the show, then add a stray thought that hints at an attraction. They can either ignore the thought, or ponder why they thought it, or mentally hit the breaks either though laughing off the thought, dismissing it as silly or the result of being tired etc. Then over time the feelings grow and become harder and harder to deny or dismiss or interpret as something else. This provides opportunities to really explore they why behind why a couple works as a couple.
I guess the short way of saying this is that you skipped step one and moved right to step two. Your characters have already admitted to themselves that they feel the way they do now one just has to tell the other. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you just want to tell that part of the story. But I know a lot of people (myself included) enjoy that sometimes long crazy journey of self discovery that is the falling in love process. Your story isn't about falling in love it's about confessing love. Again I've only read the first chapter so far so maybe flashbacks will tell more... or more will be revealed by internal dialogue or even one character explaining the why to the other.
I could keep going talking about storytelling techniques and the possibilities and danger of starting a story In medias res but I want to read chapter two :3