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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Though you could use a bit of touching up with your descriptions (add some spice to them) your writing is fairly solid. I'm always glad to see a fellow FoE writer tackling the 3rd person point of view.
The story in of itself was okay. It's worthy of discussing the subject matter you are writing about. Particularly that of a more religious nature. Most stories focus on the horror or bleak aspect of the apocalypse -- where yours is more grounded on a spiritual front. Especially when all other forms of spirituality have been removed form the world after the war. That's truly an interesting topic, and I wanted to bring that up while writing this comment.
Overall it's a fair start, and worthy of a like. Which, I've given to you upon finishing this comment.
I wish you luck in writing the next installment.
- Noakwolf
5814899
Thank you very much for your comment! Well, we, royally, wrote this chapter a couple months before we posted it here. After we finished it, we left it alone to write the next chapters.
Chapter Zero is very much a prelude, which we are using to introduce the theme of this story, which you guessed (So Proud ), as religious strife that we felt was missing from the wasteland.
In the upcoming chapters, we will delve deeper into horrors, don't you worry. Please keep reading along and critique us, as we are sure our writing style will flag and improve sporadically. And we will never know the difference if you don't say so!
TL:DR
thanks for reading, we love you.
-ChurchNW
The last part, was that a reference to Ezekiel 25: 17 from pulp fiction?
Time to visit the land of snow and what there are posible the first megaspel ever, that lovely crystal heart of theirs. Not often that I see Crystal empire FoE stories, so are looking forward to what this bring.
Please forgive my comment if it seems different from the rest, I am at work and on my phone, so have little ways of editing if things happen later on that answers some of my comments, I comment as I read so my words are always fresh, and I wont be posting my nitpicks either since copy pasting is a bitch.
So overly religious ponies... that is a new one. Odd that devils are mentioned as those are a Christian thing, and ponies did not have a carpenter to take all of their sin away. Now demon on the other hand is multi cultural and used by zebras in the original, unless my memory betrey me. I know that it is a minor thing, but I am a sucker for nitpicks and think that every little one fixed is an improvement to. A story.
With the heavy theme of religion must I say that it is oddly fitting to have the story told in third person by an allknowing narator there can read certain minds. I have not seen a single grammar or punctuation mistake so far, so looks like you really know your stuff, and I hope that means that we will get a bit experimental later on with following other characters and see a bit of their viewpoints!
And that ending... damn no one expect the pony inqusition... damn just damn...