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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The flow was clearly a single chapter thing, because there was nothing to comment on in this one, so yay for that!
Nitpicks
“Ow….” Four periods
" He didn’t even it make it to the warehouse." delete
"It wasn’t much; it hardly anything." if?
"Sister…." Kill a period
"I nodded my thanks and took a bowl for myself" Linebreak
"My friend is telling me to go kill myself…." nah go kill a period
" I just needed a bit of time. I could think of one great way to pass the time. " They have been told that they are guests, badly treated guests, but guests... Why not stomp on the paper, getting a piece of coal to write with by the zebra of smithing?
" that okay with you?” I nodded. " Linebreak
"She loaded a few slugs into Opus and took the assault rifle with her" slugs is a special kind of shotgun ammo, like a giant single pellet. Opus was a revolver so far I remember, so properly not slugs it use.