Congrats on 10,000th story placement in the Human in Equestria group, while a number is a worthless thing, it is almost amazing to see how far the group has come, and that you were the one to bring it to that final benchmark.
It's really nothing to be proud of, but I thought you'd be interested in what you have done, if you haven't already known of such.
6602478 Thank you for the comment. And as long as people you and other people like you are willing to read this story and like it that just makes it all the better. Assuming you read the story, but hey! That's okay!
6602512 haven't read it yet, but I don't like to read new stories while catching up on previous new ones, but I'll get to this in a day or so, can't wait
6728445 Thank you! I do love romance myself. In a way this story is influenced by what the readers want and they can contribute if they so desire. What I'm saying is, maybe that'll happen down the road. Again, though I do love romance myself, I'm not entirely confident I can pull it off, even though I'm writing romance in my books and people I've shown it to seem to like it.
6733774 I was wondering when someone would make the connection between both Noels. In all honesty, I just really liked the name so much that I decided to use it. That was the inspiration for his name, but not him as a character. Though the Archon is a lot like Caius Ballad in the sense that he's his mentor and raised/trained him from a very young age, without the eventual "I'm going to kill you for what you've done" evil master kind of thing. Any other similarities are purely coincidental on my part since I made an entire past for him and stuff. Thank you for the comment and I'm glad you liked the story. I aim to please. And just for making me laugh with that video, I shall tell you about Noel in a PM.
6735988 The average Mary Sue doesn't have a goal aside from just doing whatever it wants to do. Only the more powerful ones, and thus more intelligent like Maria, have goals for the entirety of the Mary Sue race. As for telling them apart, you'd need hunter training and hunter powers to be able to notice the difference immediately. Edit: also, chapter two does explain them a bit better.
How about you add in one of those hunters who used to be an MS and have them shed light on their goals, what they are, and how that particular hunter stopped being one? I don't really think one can stop being an alien...
6737964 Remember what was said in chapter one, how the Mary Sues aren't necessarily aliens, they're just like you and me, the fact that they're born in a body that is just like ours is a coincidence (both on the outside and the inside). Plus, I was planning on having an ex-Mary Sue come in anyway to talk about his/her experiences. I just haven't decided on who/what/when/where yet.
6909973 I think I succeeded in making him unlikable then. Both in this chapter and even more so in chapter four. As for the giant, he's a product of the Mary Sue's plan. He'll get explained in much more detail in chapter five once I release it.
Kayla herself towered over me by nearly two feet according to my calculations.
How can you calculate this? Did she measure the shadows they cast and an angle of the sun then calculated from that?
I had no way to compare sizes at any point in time.
Calculate, maybe?
When I was on Earth the people there looked much different.
Twilight was on Earth? Even if that were so (which is a minority head-canon), Noel said he’s not from Earth. Twilight has a short memory, it seems.
It is at this moment that I realize.... I am about to get hurt. Noel thought. He thought all of that in the split second that it took for hardheaded, literally in this case, pegasus to meet squishy human. Time went back to normal.
See how you use ‘thought’ twice in the same paragraph? Reread it and you’ll see that it sounds weird.
Also, this paragraph is weird on so many levels. It’s really hard to understand.
It is at this moment that I realize
Who thinks like that? You either realize something or you don’t. No one thinks about realizing at the moment.
The first half of the chapter consists mostly of talking. Almost nothing happens. Much like the whole previous chapter. Just the dialogue. Usually, the dialogue is used to advance a story. We don’t really see any advancement or even a character growth. Just a chit-chat. If this and the previous chapter were cut off, I don’t think the story would suffer much.
There’s a saying: The story isn’t perfect when there’s nothing more to add to it. It’s perfect when there’s nothing that can be removed from it. Your story doesn’t adhere to this.
Twilight's eyes had widened during this time and she studied the crystal
I wonder if he'd let me study it
Um, Twilight, you’re already studying it…
"I'm in dire need of reinforcements. We came to this world woefully unprepared. I need you to requisition at least an entire brigade of hunters for this mission."
Why didn’t he do this two chapters ago? Why wait for so long before asking for reinforcements?
started bringing it down
As a general rule, you shouldn’t use the word start. You use it quite a lot and it doesn’t read well.
I wanted to make this chapter longer
Chapters should be only as long as they need to be. The more words you use, the less readers you’ll get. A writer should write to tell a story, not to gather up word count.
6593642
Yeah, I don't like Alexander either. Thanks for commenting!
Congrats on 10,000th story placement in the Human in Equestria group, while a number is a worthless thing, it is almost amazing to see how far the group has come, and that you were the one to bring it to that final benchmark.
It's really nothing to be proud of, but I thought you'd be interested in what you have done, if you haven't already known of such.
6602478
Thank you for the comment. And as long as people you and other people like you are willing to read this story and like it that just makes it all the better. Assuming you read the story, but hey! That's okay!
6602512 haven't read it yet, but I don't like to read new stories while catching up on previous new ones, but I'll get to this in a day or so, can't wait
6602540
Thank you again, then. And if you'd like to comment on it and essentially review it in a way, do so!
6602556 I most likely will
We need more plz
By more we mean more BLOOD!!
Great story, the only way i'd like this better is if it were a romance. But great none the less!
6728445
Thank you! I do love romance myself. In a way this story is influenced by what the readers want and they can contribute if they so desire. What I'm saying is, maybe that'll happen down the road. Again, though I do love romance myself, I'm not entirely confident I can pull it off, even though I'm writing romance in my books and people I've shown it to seem to like it.
6733774
I was wondering when someone would make the connection between both Noels. In all honesty, I just really liked the name so much that I decided to use it. That was the inspiration for his name, but not him as a character. Though the Archon is a lot like Caius Ballad in the sense that he's his mentor and raised/trained him from a very young age, without the eventual "I'm going to kill you for what you've done" evil master kind of thing. Any other similarities are purely coincidental on my part since I made an entire past for him and stuff.
Thank you for the comment and I'm glad you liked the story. I aim to please.
And just for making me laugh with that video, I shall tell you about Noel in a PM.
6735988
The average Mary Sue doesn't have a goal aside from just doing whatever it wants to do. Only the more powerful ones, and thus more intelligent like Maria, have goals for the entirety of the Mary Sue race. As for telling them apart, you'd need hunter training and hunter powers to be able to notice the difference immediately.
Edit: also, chapter two does explain them a bit better.
6736026
No, it is not.
How about you add in one of those hunters who used to be an MS and have them shed light on their goals, what they are, and how that particular hunter stopped being one? I don't really think one can stop being an alien...
6737964
Remember what was said in chapter one, how the Mary Sues aren't necessarily aliens, they're just like you and me, the fact that they're born in a body that is just like ours is a coincidence (both on the outside and the inside). Plus, I was planning on having an ex-Mary Sue come in anyway to talk about his/her experiences. I just haven't decided on who/what/when/where yet.
6909973
I think I succeeded in making him unlikable then. Both in this chapter and even more so in chapter four.
As for the giant, he's a product of the Mary Sue's plan. He'll get explained in much more detail in chapter five once I release it.
Chapter 3
How can you calculate this? Did she measure the shadows they cast and an angle of the sun then calculated from that?
Calculate, maybe?
Twilight was on Earth? Even if that were so (which is a minority head-canon), Noel said he’s not from Earth. Twilight has a short memory, it seems.
See how you use ‘thought’ twice in the same paragraph? Reread it and you’ll see that it sounds weird.
Also, this paragraph is weird on so many levels. It’s really hard to understand.
Who thinks like that? You either realize something or you don’t. No one thinks about realizing at the moment.
The first half of the chapter consists mostly of talking. Almost nothing happens. Much like the whole previous chapter. Just the dialogue. Usually, the dialogue is used to advance a story. We don’t really see any advancement or even a character growth. Just a chit-chat. If this and the previous chapter were cut off, I don’t think the story would suffer much.
There’s a saying: The story isn’t perfect when there’s nothing more to add to it. It’s perfect when there’s nothing that can be removed from it.
Your story doesn’t adhere to this.
Um, Twilight, you’re already studying it…
Why didn’t he do this two chapters ago? Why wait for so long before asking for reinforcements?
As a general rule, you shouldn’t use the word start. You use it quite a lot and it doesn’t read well.
Chapters should be only as long as they need to be. The more words you use, the less readers you’ll get. A writer should write to tell a story, not to gather up word count.