Holy shit! That artwork looks so awesome!

This was good. Can we expect some more Kul'as in the future? Also by Archeon's (i don't think I'm sayong his name right) Earth, does he mean like this earth, where MLP is a show and all that?

7175500
Which art? The art for the characters that I included as links?
7176204
For Kul'as, possibly. But we don't know where he went, probably back to his own Equestria or to wherever those cloaked figures he was allied with are located.
You're close, the Archon doesn't have an 'e' in it. That's not even his real name, as was revealed in this chapter, it's actually his title.
As for the Earth thing, yes and no. This story interacts with two of the books that I am writing. The magic is part of the War of a Thousand Sins series, while the meta-humans are part of the Earth's Resurrection series (though I'm not sure if I'm going to plan more than 2 or 3 books for that one) the WoaTS is going to span at least 9 books, and with this story, is currently set in the fifth book. However, all the events currently happening, probably won't happen in the actual books, referenced, possibly but not a big thing nor will it say that Equestria is involved in any shape or form. In the actual books, yes, it is OUR Earth. MLP is a show there, but in this universe.... Well, I haven't quite decided but so far I'm leaning towards MLP not being a show that existed on Earth, since that makes the most sense. Not sure if I want to say anything more than that.

On another note! I like to think that this chapter spawned a lot more questions and than it did answers. To start in no particular order.
— Who are the meta-humans exactly? We know that they come from an alternate Earth and have advanced technology, and they're allied with the hunters, but that's it.
— These rules that the hunters are supposed to apparently follow; it's keeps coming up. What's up with that? Why were they established? How many rules are there? What are the rules exactly?
— What the hell was Maria's plan EXACTLY? We know she did... something, but we're not sure yet.
— Why the hell did the Archon send Alexander in the first place?
— The Archon has a daughter? Is she legal?
— What does C.D.E. stand for? Is it some kind of other organization? It obviously has some kind of influence if it sent in the titan and has dragons at its command.

I probably forgot other things that could be used as questions. I always forget something.

7177477 thanks. I was asking because I was considering asking you if I could use this universe in a sequel to one of my other stories with a universe killer, and he come to this one slaughtering the Mary Sues that may have escaped to Applelousa

7177575
Go for it, dude.

7177577 thanks. Also wpuld it be canon in this story? Just asking

7177668
If/when you finish it, I might have to take a look at it, but probably? Actually, most likely. If Kul'as ever appears again, it'd be a nice thing to look to and let people know what the hell he's been up to.

7177675 sure. I'll send you a link to the story and what I have planned for this universe in that chapter

7177691
Cool.

7177477 Well, that, and how you envision Canterlot.

7177849
Indeed. Props to the guy who made it.

7177852 Mmhmm. Although, I didn't think the bitch had it in her. Tricking us all like that.

7177894
Maria? Yeah. Bet no one was expecting her to pull off something like this.

7177907 Nope. Nor the fact she could undo Alex's restraints. So I'm guessing Maria and the other MS's are gone from Equestria?

7177932
We'll find out in the next chapter.

7260818
This is because a lot my ideas may seem good in my head, but were never good ideas to begin with. Or I have a good idea, and just execute it wrong. The narrator thing (just... all of it) seemed cool and funny, but wasn't very good for keeping immersion in a story. I'm not sure how to remove it aside from just cutting it out but it's already in there, and the Minuette thing is semi-important to a larger picture. I just like to insert things that seem like "what the fuck" moments but when people stick around they go, "oh, I guess that makes sense" and when characters make mistakes, it eventually catches up to them. Rest assured that, as of chapter five and beyond, the narrator no longer does their fourth wall break.
It's also just kind of how I write, in a way. I like to leave little things, or big things, and then bring it up later. Sometimes it doesn't flow naturally, and I really need to learn to stop doing it, in a way. Or even worse, I completely just forget to add something in. Just like you, I need to go over and reread my stories and chapters. Maybe not 50 times since I can make them pretty long but at least 4-5 times.

I have no idea why humans can suddenly use magic and have futuristic weapons. They just do.

All humans can at least use magic in my stories. Sometimes futuristic weapons are a plus. It's just something I like to do.

Some leader he is.

Yeah, he's a terrible one.

Some sentences are a bit clumsy. Some words repeat within the same paragraphs

I agree with the fact that sentences are clumsy. But I've heard that you shouldn't repeat words in the same sentence, having them repeated every so often in a paragraph is fine. This is the first time I'm hearing of it. Either way, there's a fine balance that I just can't seem to strike when it comes to being too descriptive, or not descriptive enough.

All in all, thank you so much for leaving this comment here and I'm going to keep all this advice in mind. Been nice to see someone give an EXTREMELY well-thought out criticism of my story.

Chapter 5
We finally learn where the giant came from. Apparently Mary Sues had laboratories and other high-tech capabilities at their disposals.

Then we have an intimate scene...

He was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t notice someone climb into the bed with him.

...that just happens. The demon, who we still know nothing about, doesn’t want to be lonely, so out of a batallion of people, she chooses Noel to sleep with because he’s the Mary Sue a hero of this story and needs attention.

When she couldn’t think of any she turned to her friends. “Guys, back me up on this.”

Rainbow Dash usually says girls in the show, though.

They can still be broken or it’ll shatter if you apply too much force.

They can still shatter if you apply too much force against them.

meta-humans

You use these, but we still don’t know what exactly they are.

I didn’t think he’d send a TITAN.

The biggest invasion in all history, but let’s not use everything possible to counter it?

cyborg

naga

Leviathan

If this was my story, I’d start considering a random tag. Stuff is just dropping in without any explanation.

“I want it!”
“I NEED it!”

Now this was clever. Good job.

This part is awesome because something happens that the reader can comprehend because the workings of it were already explained (in canon). This is something I’m missing in the other action. The reader has no chance at anticipating anything because the whole world is a mystery. As soon as a reader starts comprehending a little, you threw in an avalanche of new elements, confusing the reader, senseless.

This is it for my reviews. Final conclusion:
I think your idea of a war against Mary Sues is awesome. If you stuck to that and build a world where Mary Sues would fit and make sense, it could prove to be a really engaging read. With this story, however, we learn nothing about the origins of Mary Sues, their motivation. To be honest,
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/09/6a/e5/096ae5c46847ecd87ca846d2e6b5d644.jpg

The story focuses more on the mystical soldiers, who also aren’t explained much. We don’t know what their motivation is. They just go around killing Mary Sues, for some reason.

There’s a difference between fun writing and professional writing. With fun writing, you can write down any idea that you get. With professional writing, you have to come up and analyze 100 ideas, disposing of 99 and using just 1 that fits. Only in such a way a significant story can be made. This story shows signs that it wasn’t written by a professional writer but a writer who writes for fun and for writing itself.

7263302

Rainbow Dash usually says girls in the show, though.

Easily fixed. Done.

7277822

Rainbow Dash usually says girls in the show, though.

Not to be COMPLETELY anal about it, but actually - Dash DOES mainly say "guys". SOMETIMES she says girls though.
So technically, both are correct. *Egghead Mode: Active *

In any case, nevermind that.

sorry it took so long, but now I have finally read the chapter. The reason for all the delays is basically,
I've had A LOT on my mind...

Finishing one of my own stories, starting the next one, joining a prompt group and starting a story for that too (so now I'm working on 2
at the same time), starting a small ask-blog for my OC's on DA, AND had some stuff happen in my offline life (some good stuff, some bad stuff).
Plus the fact the chapter was longer than usual, and I'm not THAT fast of a reader, so a 18.000+ chapter takes me a while,
and I really never had enough time... So in the end, I ended up reading half first, and the read the rest later...
Point is, I'm done now - And, not to go into detail (because I'm still tired and not in the mood to write an entire journab about it this time),
I'll simply say - Awesome chapter, SO much stuff going on this time... Loved it.

And I found some references.. the Mario one really cracked me up when I read it..

And then you killed Pinkie Pie , You bastard

But then you also revived her, so I forgive you (this time)

7285965
Thanks for reading this. Sorry it took me a while to get to you on this, my internet was down for about 36-40 hours but it's back now.

Not to be COMPLETELY anal about it, but actually - Dash DOES mainly say "guys". SOMETIMES she says girls though.

You know, I'm pretty sure that I took a long hard look at that when I was writing it, then did some research to see if she says guys more so than girls and if she said guys at all. I'm pretty sure the original conclusion was that I was okay with writing it as 'guys' because I was able to justify it. I have now changed it back because I remembered why I put there in the first place.

I've had A LOT on my mind...
Finishing one of my own stories, starting the next one, joining a prompt group and starting a story for that too (so now I'm working on 2
at the same time), starting a small ask-blog for my OC's on DA, AND had some stuff happen in my offline life (some good stuff, some bad stuff).
Plus the fact the chapter was longer than usual, and I'm not THAT fast of a reader, so a 18.000+ chapter takes me a while,
and I really never had enough time... So in the end, I ended up reading half first, and the read the rest later...
Point is, I'm done now - And, not to go into detail (because I'm still tired and not in the mood to write an entire journab about it this time),

Don't worry about it. I understand that people are busy in general.
I honestly hadn't meant for it to be THIS long but I started writing and I couldn't stop. I'm just glad I didn't go with my original plan to make this chapter and chapter 4 one giant one, and even then, I was going to include a lot more things, even though I wanted to make it longer. And even so, my original plan would have made such a beast even LONGER and I'm glad I cut it out for now since we probably would've ended up with a 30-34k chapter. I'm not kidding. In order to have it as I originally planned it, it would be approximately that long. Again, I think we can all say that we're glad that I didn't do so. Instead, the cut content is going to be released as 5 separate chapters. I also got lazy when trying to write this but picked up steam, as I mentioned in an earlier blog post.

By the way, until two days ago, the chapter had just been sitting there with only about 3k words done, and it had been like that for about... a month or so. I'm so sorry for not actually doing anything.

At the time, yeah, it just kind of sat there. But within 3 days of that blog's posting, I wrote approximately 10k words. I also mentioned in a later blog that I'm not working on chapter six (or not working on it nearly as much) until I finish another story that I'm working on. Though chapter six has gone through some renames (it's a working title) already. It'll be one of these three, "The Forge of Conquest,' 'The Forges of Conquest,' or 'The Forges of Galgoroth,' though then again, I think the first title was just a typo and I meant it to be the second one.
Personally, the amount of words normally doesn't discourage me from reading something. I like long stories, I just read them too fast when I like them (though being able to speak at 360 words per minute because you were on the debate team kind of allows you to do that.) It's just... sometimes I don't have the time to do so, or I simply want to do other things at the time.

I'll simply say - Awesome chapter, SO much stuff going on this time... Loved it.

Thanks. I think you'll notice at least one thing in this chapter. The narrator doesn't do their fourth wall break. To quote a great man. "Yes, it was stupid, god dammit." And I think you'll see that the chapter did not suffer for it, didn't it lose any of its humor, or was jarring. I'll keep it there because it was a silly, stupid thing, but I'm going to stop it almost entirely. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, and then copy pasted in a blog post, I like to think that this chapter spawned a lot more questions than it did answers.
As for killing Pinkie, that was sad to write. I felt kind of sad.

As for reviving her the rules are going to be explained a bit more in-depth in the next chapter.

7290366 Yeah, I underatand the feeling of hurting or killing characters, especially when it's the really likeable ones
who don't deserve it. I have tons of story ideas, and whenever I get ideas, I write them down...

Meaning, first of all, I have an entire list of ideas for stories (40+, no kidding).
I also write down pieces whenever something comes to mind, such as a scene, or a dialogue,
or a character, or basically anything that can be used in the 40+ stories.
Some stuff is for a specific idea, and some is more non-specific, and can be used in any story...

My point is, I have a scene from a Equestria Girls story idea, that's basically gonna be a dark thriller,
including drugs, alcohol, violence, and so on...Basically it would be a story where they all go to Manehattan to party,
but end up in the wrong kind of parties, the "dark side" of the big city nightlife, and gets tricked / forced into various bad situations...
And I know about how hard it is to write death / bad situations, because THAT specific scene takes place in the hospital,
after Flutters gets drugged, kidnapped, beaten and raped (forced to perform BJ)

So yeah, I know how it feels to write "bad" scenes...

Oh, and obviously, IF I actually get that story written, it's going to get a R-rating and mature tag...

7290446
I'd read it.
Edit: Also, that comment has the esteemed honor of being the 69th comment on this story. Giggity.

7294879 Well, as of right now, it's roughly a 50/50 chance if I'll write it or not (same goes for my entire list of ideas),
But if I DID write that one, the title would most likely be "Neon Nights", a name that kinda stuck with me somehow...
I feel like I REALLY like that title, and it suits that specific story perfectly. It all began with a neon-style picture I made
of the Equestria Girls, and that name just felt right.. and then, based on that name I got the idea for the story,
whoch would be this... Dark, emotional drama-thriller, almost with a noir-feeling, all about the drugs and stuff
in the dark side of big city club life... I don't know, I just... I can't get the idea out of my head, I feel I kinda HAVE to write it
at some point, and... this may sound silly, but I feel like that story would be my "masterpiece"..

MY "Fallout Equestria", MY "Rainbow Factory"... I don't know if you get what I mean, but, that's how I feel about this one...
Sorry for rambling on about it..

In any case, if you want, I COULD show you the scene I got, as a kinda.. Sneak preview of how the over-all tone of the story would go...

7294890
I understand, and I'd be up for the scene, if you wanna show me in a PM or something, which seems best to keep your privacy contained.

7294985 Indeed, but I was thinking Deviant-Art. There, I can add it to my private folder and link it to you,
and you should be able to op there and read it. Plus I can also link the picture, if you want to see. (it IS a bit old though,
so the quality is not super-good)