First off, sorry for taking so long, I've had a lot on my mind and a lot going on.
ANYWAY, as promised, I have now read all available chapters of WOTH, and.. I love it (mostly).
Now, as I also promised, I'm gonna go into some details and give a review-ish look at things.
First of all, the story itself and the main concept of it, is very nice. I like the cross between Equestria and.... whatever the other world(s?) are called, so.. for the duration of this "review" I will be calling the Hunter-world, or HW for short. E for Equestria, HW for the hunter world.
The ponies all feel well-written and true to their selves from the show. Personalities, actions, speech, all feels accurate. The hunters also feel well-written, different personalities, different feelings about situations, different ways of handling things.. And when you first introduced them, you gave a good, but not excessively detailed description of each person, telling the reader what needs to be known - the look, name, and basics of each character - and then let the characters evolve through the story, revealing more as the story goes on.
The Mary Sues, true to their entire concept, DO feel over-powered, but MS's are SUPPOSED to be over-powered, so that's all as it should be.
having the announcer break the fourth wall is... a mixed feeling. Sometimes it's fun and can give some necessary information, But some times it comes off as shoe-horned and annoying.
Also, you have a minor problem with punctuation - not all the time, but it occurs here and there throughout the story. The main problem is that you sometimes forget to put "" around speech and thoughts, and switch perspective between the narrator and characters, and thus making that part of the text confusing as to who says what, and if they're saying or thinking it.
All-in-all, the problems are minor and easily ignored if you're just casualy reading, but become visible when you're actively paing attention to detail for review-purposes, such as I did. So, maybe get a proofreader / editor to have a look at each chapter before release, or take greater care yourself when writing, keeping these things in mind
Now, on a personal note... I very much look forward to see how this story continues, and I will keep it under guard, reading new chapters as soon as I can when they appear.
Among other things, I'm curious to see just HOW MUCH damage Alexander can actually make once he's let loose.... I suspect some chaotic battles in the coming chapters..
6982483 Thanks for the comment. I know that I'm going to have the narrator do his fourth wall break less often. I know there was one part in particular that even I had trouble with understanding since I wasn't really paying attention to the fact that he was berating Noel.
As for the thoughts thing, I know that I'm not supposed to include "" marks around a character's thoughts because I've never seen that happen in a professionally done book. When a character is thinking their thoughts are marked in italics only and I've yet to see that implemented otherwise aside from stories on this site.
I do include those quotation marks when it's a character speaking telepathically to another character. I don't include the words being 'spoken' in italics, and I've never seen it done in the few books that I've read that do that, so I'm not sure if I should.
Otherwise, most punctuation is on purpose because I'm fairly laid-back when it comes to that. When I do make a mistake, I would encourage others to point it out in either a comment or send me a PM with the line, and the chapter so I can take a look at it.
There's a reason that I include those line breaks in between paragraphs, I was hoping that it would represent a perspective change whenever I do it, like first person and third person. Sometimes I feel like a first person is okay at times, but since I'm particularly skilled at writing in third person for the most part I think I'll stick to it, especially with this story. I've also heard that I'm not supposed to let the readers know when it's a first person and a third person switch.
However, I'm going to keep what you said in mind for just about everything
Yeah, Alexander is already unhinged due to his nature and the purpose he was created for. Even when he's being kept in check by the Archon or by some other means, he's still dangerous to his allies because remember "He's just as likely to hurt or kill his own allies..." so yeah. When he's not unfettered, he would cause a ton of damage just for the hell of it. You'd be looking at someone who would cause whole worlds to be bathed in blood, and he's the one who destroys those worlds by himself, inch by satisfyingly bloody inch, no matter how long it takes him. In fact, it would take him years and that would just make him happier since the violence only gets to be prolonged.
I was worried about being too descriptive with the hunters when we first meet them, so I'm really glad that I was able to let them evolve throughout the story as you said, just giving people the basics that I felt that they needed to know. The only person I was really worried about at first was Chloe. Her description is the longest, but I once I started describing her I felt that it was too hard to stop at some points because she's so darned interesting to write and think about at times. However, I'm glad I stopped describing her when I did, otherwise she would get too much of the spotlight, and none of us like that.
Once again, I want to thank you for the comment, your advice and I hope you enjoy the future chapters.
6982842 My bad regarding the thoughts - yes, those are always in italic, NOT in "". However, there were still places where thoughts were written plainly, like any other text, not in italic, and speech sometimes missed the "", hence the confusion. This happened quite rarely though as I also pointed out, and the few times it DID, it wasn't story-breakingly bad, just minor, easily ignored mistakes that would mostly only be noticed during a "Critic" read, not a regular reading session, so never mind those.
As for fav. hunter... I'd say it's a tie between Noel and Simon for me.
Noel, since he's the one the story has been following mostly, and thus he's the one I (as a reader) feel the strongest connection to so far.
Simon, I honestly felt genuinely happy for when AJ offered him apple pie. It was something with how he reacted, almost with a childish happiness, at such simple thing as a pie...
In just a couple of lines, you made it clear that Simon, despite his size and strenght, actually has a huge soft spot too, which makes me feel he is very similar to ponies like Big Mac, Shining Armor, and Bulk Biceps. (also known as Snowflake.) You know, the huge white stallion, the YEEEEAH!!! one who ALSO is a big brute with a huge soft spot, as seen in episodes.
Something about Simon reminded me of that. And I've always been a fan of the "Strong outside, soft inside" kind of characters.
6983140 Thanks for your comment, again, especially about Simon. I wanted to make these characters relatable in some way, because despite their jobs requiring them to see and do (subjectively) terrible things on a weekly basis, they're still people on the inside. All hunters have their reasons for being a hunter, whether out of vengeance or a desire to do good, all have their flaws and desires, even if some have been doing this hunter business for a couple of years, decades, or even centuries. And I think I succeeded in showing that with Simon in this chapter. You'll have to show me the part that I missed with quotation marks, it is possible I did so on purpose but I'd rather not leave it to chance.
6984011 Like I said, it's a minor mistake, and I can't really pinpoint where it occured without re-reading the entire story to specifically hunt for it, which I don't feel like (or have the time for) doing, so nevermind that.
As for Simon, yes, I see your point and that's exactly what I was thinking as well. They do a lot of gritty stuff in their jobs, but they ARE still people too, and showing Simons (as I put it earlier) almost child-like glee at something as mundane and simple as some pie, and an evening with a normal family really shows Simons sensitive side, and makes him a more believable person. And in contrast to that, you have Alexander...
Who you specifically explain is NOT human, and normally doesn't even have a physical form, thus he has no need for a "human" side - which makes it possible to make him like you did, purely insane and basing his entire existense in the sole purpose of killing and destroying anything in his path, both enemies, friends, and probably civilians too.
Like I've said, I look forwardto see how this story continues, and I'll gladly keep discussing things like this as the story progresses.
6985312 I see your point, thank you. I know I was reading chapter 4 over and I already caught a mistake that I will fix as soon as I get off work. I hope to see you comment on further chapters. Should be fun. Also, we all know that shit is gonna go down in chapter 5, one way or another.
6985361 Well, if you want, I can give you a "mini-review" on each chapter, with my thoughts and such on the on-goings of the chapter, thus keeping our discussions alive
What an asshole.
Well written. Quick question, when will Kul'as appear, just wondering
New chapter equals further in the story..... They'll have their spot light soon, I bet. (Evil Laughter here)
but im not mad at anybody
6909872
You can always give suggestions. And thanks.
First off, sorry for taking so long, I've had a lot on my mind and a lot going on.
ANYWAY, as promised, I have now read all available chapters of WOTH, and.. I love it (mostly).
Now, as I also promised, I'm gonna go into some details and give a review-ish look at things.
First of all, the story itself and the main concept of it, is very nice. I like the cross between Equestria and.... whatever the other world(s?)
are called, so.. for the duration of this "review" I will be calling the Hunter-world, or HW for short. E for Equestria, HW for the hunter world.
The ponies all feel well-written and true to their selves from the show. Personalities, actions, speech, all feels accurate.
The hunters also feel well-written, different personalities, different feelings about situations, different ways of handling things..
And when you first introduced them, you gave a good, but not excessively detailed description of each person,
telling the reader what needs to be known - the look, name, and basics of each character - and then let the characters
evolve through the story, revealing more as the story goes on.
The Mary Sues, true to their entire concept, DO feel over-powered, but MS's are SUPPOSED to be over-powered,
so that's all as it should be.
having the announcer break the fourth wall is... a mixed feeling. Sometimes it's fun and can give some necessary information,
But some times it comes off as shoe-horned and annoying.
Also, you have a minor problem with punctuation - not all the time, but it occurs here and there throughout the story.
The main problem is that you sometimes forget to put "" around speech and thoughts, and switch perspective
between the narrator and characters, and thus making that part of the text confusing as to who says what,
and if they're saying or thinking it.
All-in-all, the problems are minor and easily ignored if you're just casualy reading, but become visible when you're
actively paing attention to detail for review-purposes, such as I did. So, maybe get a proofreader / editor to have a look
at each chapter before release, or take greater care yourself when writing, keeping these things in mind
Now, on a personal note... I very much look forward to see how this story continues, and I will keep it under guard,
reading new chapters as soon as I can when they appear.
Among other things, I'm curious to see just HOW MUCH damage Alexander can actually make once he's let loose....
I suspect some chaotic battles in the coming chapters..
6982483
Thanks for the comment. I know that I'm going to have the narrator do his fourth wall break less often. I know there was one part in particular that even I had trouble with understanding since I wasn't really paying attention to the fact that he was berating Noel.
As for the thoughts thing, I know that I'm not supposed to include "" marks around a character's thoughts because I've never seen that happen in a professionally done book. When a character is thinking their thoughts are marked in italics only and I've yet to see that implemented otherwise aside from stories on this site.
I do include those quotation marks when it's a character speaking telepathically to another character. I don't include the words being 'spoken' in italics, and I've never seen it done in the few books that I've read that do that, so I'm not sure if I should.
Otherwise, most punctuation is on purpose because I'm fairly laid-back when it comes to that. When I do make a mistake, I would encourage others to point it out in either a comment or send me a PM with the line, and the chapter so I can take a look at it.
There's a reason that I include those line breaks in between paragraphs, I was hoping that it would represent a perspective change whenever I do it, like first person and third person. Sometimes I feel like a first person is okay at times, but since I'm particularly skilled at writing in third person for the most part I think I'll stick to it, especially with this story. I've also heard that I'm not supposed to let the readers know when it's a first person and a third person switch.
However, I'm going to keep what you said in mind for just about everything
Yeah, Alexander is already unhinged due to his nature and the purpose he was created for. Even when he's being kept in check by the Archon or by some other means, he's still dangerous to his allies because remember "He's just as likely to hurt or kill his own allies..." so yeah. When he's not unfettered, he would cause a ton of damage just for the hell of it. You'd be looking at someone who would cause whole worlds to be bathed in blood, and he's the one who destroys those worlds by himself, inch by satisfyingly bloody inch, no matter how long it takes him. In fact, it would take him years and that would just make him happier since the violence only gets to be prolonged.
I was worried about being too descriptive with the hunters when we first meet them, so I'm really glad that I was able to let them evolve throughout the story as you said, just giving people the basics that I felt that they needed to know. The only person I was really worried about at first was Chloe. Her description is the longest, but I once I started describing her I felt that it was too hard to stop at some points because she's so darned interesting to write and think about at times. However, I'm glad I stopped describing her when I did, otherwise she would get too much of the spotlight, and none of us like that.
Once again, I want to thank you for the comment, your advice and I hope you enjoy the future chapters.
P.S. Who is your favorite hunter thus far?
6982842 My bad regarding the thoughts - yes, those are always in italic, NOT in "". However, there were still places where
thoughts were written plainly, like any other text, not in italic, and speech sometimes missed the "", hence the confusion.
This happened quite rarely though as I also pointed out, and the few times it DID, it wasn't story-breakingly bad,
just minor, easily ignored mistakes that would mostly only be noticed during a "Critic" read, not a regular reading session,
so never mind those.
As for fav. hunter... I'd say it's a tie between Noel and Simon for me.
Noel, since he's the one the story has been following mostly,
and thus he's the one I (as a reader) feel the strongest connection to so far.
Simon, I honestly felt genuinely happy for when AJ offered him apple pie.
It was something with how he reacted, almost with a childish happiness, at such simple thing as a pie...
In just a couple of lines, you made it clear that Simon, despite his size and strenght, actually has a huge soft spot too,
which makes me feel he is very similar to ponies like Big Mac, Shining Armor, and Bulk Biceps. (also known as Snowflake.)
You know, the huge white stallion, the YEEEEAH!!! one who ALSO is a big brute with a huge soft spot, as seen in episodes.
Something about Simon reminded me of that. And I've always been a fan of the "Strong outside, soft inside" kind of characters.
6983140
Thanks for your comment, again, especially about Simon. I wanted to make these characters relatable in some way, because despite their jobs requiring them to see and do (subjectively) terrible things on a weekly basis, they're still people on the inside. All hunters have their reasons for being a hunter, whether out of vengeance or a desire to do good, all have their flaws and desires, even if some have been doing this hunter business for a couple of years, decades, or even centuries.
And I think I succeeded in showing that with Simon in this chapter.
You'll have to show me the part that I missed with quotation marks, it is possible I did so on purpose but I'd rather not leave it to chance.
6984011 Like I said, it's a minor mistake, and I can't really pinpoint where it occured without re-reading the entire story to specifically hunt for it, which I don't feel like (or have the time for) doing, so nevermind that.
As for Simon, yes, I see your point and that's exactly what I was thinking as well.
They do a lot of gritty stuff in their jobs, but they ARE still people too, and showing Simons (as I put it earlier) almost child-like glee
at something as mundane and simple as some pie, and an evening with a normal family really shows Simons sensitive side,
and makes him a more believable person. And in contrast to that, you have Alexander...
Who you specifically explain is NOT human, and normally doesn't even have a physical form,
thus he has no need for a "human" side - which makes it possible to make him like you did,
purely insane and basing his entire existense in the sole purpose of killing and destroying anything in his path,
both enemies, friends, and probably civilians too.
Like I've said, I look forwardto see how this story continues, and I'll gladly keep discussing things like this
as the story progresses.
6985312
I see your point, thank you. I know I was reading chapter 4 over and I already caught a mistake that I will fix as soon as I get off work.
I hope to see you comment on further chapters. Should be fun. Also, we all know that shit is gonna go down in chapter 5, one way or another.
6985361 Well, if you want, I can give you a "mini-review" on each chapter, with my thoughts and such on the on-goings of the
chapter, thus keeping our discussions alive
6985381
Up to you, seems best for future chapters but you can do what you want.
6985412 I'm up for it. Maybe not EVERY chapter, but most of them.
6985414
Yay.
7009230
They're no longer Mary Sues. They're Lasthzooulas. I've decided to change the name of them.The point still stands however and that's funny.Edit: They're probably going to be called Mary Sues again. Things are weird right now. Ignore the entirety of the comment.
6909995 and giant man eating spiders