An unusual human enters equestria and discovers a paradise that is everything he ever wanted. But if he can get there other humans could too, and if that happens there is only one way to save his new home.
This is a test to see if I am any good at this, you like it great, you don't I don't care unless you can give me a good reason why and even then I may not care.
Hack into the CIA's database under: We wish we never met this guy, that should tell you more than enough about me
This is a test to see if I am any good at this, you like it great, you don't I don't care unless you can give me a good reason why and even then I may not care.
And with that, you've probably just bought yourself a whole lotta animosity. It's one thing to say, I don't care what some people think of my story, it's another to blatantly say that you won't give a fuck even if the criticism was polite and constructive.
Humanity has throughout history shown that it can never be trusted. We are shortsighted, and while we are intelligent we lack the wisdom and common sense to make use of it effectively. Humans have a chronic xenophobia that causes us to hate and fear that which is different. But of all our faults the worst is how we will use any justification to get what we want. Now a human has found his way to Equestria, a land rich in resources and untouched by pollution, war, or famine.
5802580 Well, now, he said he only wouldn't care if the criticism was negative, but I totally understand. I too have a problem reading when the author can't use punctuation worth a god damn.
This is a test to see if I am any good at this, you like it great, you don't I don't care unless you can give me a good reason why and even then I may not care.
Hmm. Yep. Now I see what most of the fuss is about.
First, technical wise, your grammar really needs work. Capitalization errors, run-ons, and punctuation problems run rampant throughout this first chapter. I suggest an editor, posthaste.
Secondly, I refer to the issue of Adrian.
He seems like a walking paradox. He goes from freaking out to calm and jovial in a matter of a few paragraphs. This contradiction has been done poorly. It feels rushed and unpolished, and is completely illogical (to an extent in regards to the fact that this is, in fact, a fictional piece of work). Who goes from this:
"WHAT THE FUCK??!!!"
And this:
"Ok last thing I remember was falling asleep in my apartment, a flash of light, then nothing. Maybe I got knocked out, but how? a flash bang grenade? This doesn't look like a CIA tourter chamber, more like the lair of a rural Frankenstein.".
To this?
"I'm sorry for being so rude miss sparkle, but your name would be quite odd where I'm from. I'm sorry for laughing, I'm sure my name will sound just as odd to you. And now that I think about it, your name is rather pretty, it suits you."
The tone is completely off balance. At first we have a filthy speaker, and then we have a formal speaker. That cannot work, because such two aspects contradict each other. All this does is create a ton of confusion for the reader.
But I'm sure there's a perfectly legitimate reason for this. But, the fact that this contradiction appears so early on in the story, is unsettling.
I'll move on.
This hint of Twilight becoming infatuated with our titular hero (can we even call him a hero?) is so... ugh. It's awful. It's forced, rushed, and is completely far-fetched. Other than the fact that the guy is apparently cute, we are given very little as to what makes him so endearing to Twilight. You may try to argue it's his gentlemanly attitude, but as this attitude is highly contradictory, we can immediately throw that out of the window. In short, what we are given as a "romance" is very, very weak.
I'm not even going to touch upon the "edge," because 1) that's stupid to do, 2) that's a stupid complaint, and 3) that's a stupid matter. Edgy is stupid, and is hardly ever done in a way that doesn't elicit cringe emotions.
This story.
Is not good.
I'll be blunt and repeat that.
This story is not good.
So far.
It needs work, a ton of work. Perhaps an overhaul of the original concept. The fact is, this story has thrown me off, and has killed any sense for me to continue reading it. Such a matter may seem frivolous, even unnecessary and completely useless; but I am here to tell you that all criticisms, even those resulting from omission, are important.
This may not be New York Best Seller material, but really? It's not supposed to be. It's a fanfiction; it's going to detract points from being a Best Seller novel. While it is admirable that you tried your best, you could do better.
My advice is, re-read your entire story, and try to find the weakest points and improve them. Find an editor, or two. Get some proof-readers. And do not, I repeat, do not act aggravated towards the comments. I have already seen some replies of yours, and they are very, very mean-spirited and uncalled for. All comments help, regardless of tone. Use them to your advantage. Remember that the users commenting are people who have been writing for a long time now, and they know what they are doing and saying. It would be wise to listen to them.
I liked it. Great job other than a few small errors.
warosu.org/data/ic/img/0016/57/1392377596857.jpg
Both are debatable
This one is true to an extent, but it's understandable, our species has had to fight everything that's different from us since we evolved to sapience.
This is a horrible trait in peace times, but in war/hostile situations? It is an amazing trait to have.
this is pretty good so far keep up the great work ^_^
Judging from the poor literacy, bland human main character, and as of now non-existent story, I say damn straight.
So I guess all that wank about not caring about negative reviews really was just a bunch of wank, huh?
And with that, you've probably just bought yourself a whole lotta animosity. It's one thing to say, I don't care what some people think of my story, it's another to blatantly say that you won't give a fuck even if the criticism was polite and constructive.
You must be new here.
5802580 Well, now, he said he only wouldn't care if the criticism was negative, but I totally understand. I too have a problem reading when the author can't use punctuation worth a god damn.
5802666
One of my biggest pet peeves in terms of fan made literature is bad spelling and grammar. It just screams "I didn't even try"!
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/This+is+bait+guys+btw+just+press+hide+_079f406944a07bc1f38c1dd6d69aeda7.png
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11120/111204241/4272294-2ff.jpg
Now don't get mad I put as much effort into this comment as you did with your story.
25.media.tumblr.com/be2acd27eba5156eedfed6a5c478a7ae/tumblr_mvq82vHfX81rceuf1o1_500.jpg
i.imgur.com/9rMMN8x.png
i like this story dont let the haters get u down
Hmm. Yep. Now I see what most of the fuss is about.
First, technical wise, your grammar really needs work. Capitalization errors, run-ons, and punctuation problems run rampant throughout this first chapter. I suggest an editor, posthaste.
Secondly, I refer to the issue of Adrian.
He seems like a walking paradox. He goes from freaking out to calm and jovial in a matter of a few paragraphs. This contradiction has been done poorly. It feels rushed and unpolished, and is completely illogical (to an extent in regards to the fact that this is, in fact, a fictional piece of work). Who goes from this:
And this:
To this?
The tone is completely off balance. At first we have a filthy speaker, and then we have a formal speaker. That cannot work, because such two aspects contradict each other. All this does is create a ton of confusion for the reader.
But I'm sure there's a perfectly legitimate reason for this. But, the fact that this contradiction appears so early on in the story, is unsettling.
I'll move on.
This hint of Twilight becoming infatuated with our titular hero (can we even call him a hero?) is so... ugh. It's awful. It's forced, rushed, and is completely far-fetched. Other than the fact that the guy is apparently cute, we are given very little as to what makes him so endearing to Twilight. You may try to argue it's his gentlemanly attitude, but as this attitude is highly contradictory, we can immediately throw that out of the window. In short, what we are given as a "romance" is very, very weak.
I'm not even going to touch upon the "edge," because 1) that's stupid to do, 2) that's a stupid complaint, and 3) that's a stupid matter. Edgy is stupid, and is hardly ever done in a way that doesn't elicit cringe emotions.
This story.
Is not good.
I'll be blunt and repeat that.
This story is not good.
So far.
It needs work, a ton of work. Perhaps an overhaul of the original concept. The fact is, this story has thrown me off, and has killed any sense for me to continue reading it. Such a matter may seem frivolous, even unnecessary and completely useless; but I am here to tell you that all criticisms, even those resulting from omission, are important.
This may not be New York Best Seller material, but really? It's not supposed to be. It's a fanfiction; it's going to detract points from being a Best Seller novel. While it is admirable that you tried your best, you could do better.
My advice is, re-read your entire story, and try to find the weakest points and improve them. Find an editor, or two. Get some proof-readers. And do not, I repeat, do not act aggravated towards the comments. I have already seen some replies of yours, and they are very, very mean-spirited and uncalled for. All comments help, regardless of tone. Use them to your advantage. Remember that the users commenting are people who have been writing for a long time now, and they know what they are doing and saying. It would be wise to listen to them.