adune
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I liked it. Great job other than a few small errors.
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Both are debatable
This one is true to an extent, but it's understandable, our species has had to fight everything that's different from us since we evolved to sapience.
This is a horrible trait in peace times, but in war/hostile situations? It is an amazing trait to have.
this is pretty good so far keep up the great work ^_^
Judging from the poor literacy, bland human main character, and as of now non-existent story, I say damn straight.
So I guess all that wank about not caring about negative reviews really was just a bunch of wank, huh?
And with that, you've probably just bought yourself a whole lotta animosity. It's one thing to say, I don't care what some people think of my story, it's another to blatantly say that you won't give a fuck even if the criticism was polite and constructive.
You must be new here.
5802580 Well, now, he said he only wouldn't care if the criticism was negative, but I totally understand. I too have a problem reading when the author can't use punctuation worth a god damn.
5802666
One of my biggest pet peeves in terms of fan made literature is bad spelling and grammar. It just screams "I didn't even try"!
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Now don't get mad I put as much effort into this comment as you did with your story.
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Ok this story now has my attention admittedly you started this story off a bit rocky and you made enemies quickly with your opening statement. But now I can see the makings of a very good HIE story and spne fine Luna x sparkle shipping. Keep up the good work.
This chapter is OFFENSIVE. Misanthropic as all Hell.
You know I have to say, a lot of the negative comments I get are less about "This is how you can improve" and more about "You suck for reasons I can't elaborate on". So if I seem misanthropic I would ask that you consider how much people seem to be giving credence to my point of view. Considering the show that inspired this sites creation, I am surprised to find so many hostile attitudes in the face of disagreement. Although to be fair I have also received comments that were quite constructive, in my opinion using negative and mocking comment's shows that you don't want me or my viewpoint to change. You simply like to hurt other's for your own entertainment, and if you didn't like the plot of the story I would like to point out that you are under no obligation to read it.
6023435 I dont understand why people are hating so much on this story? If they dont like it leave. Watch now that im saying this people are gonna start hating me too. Ive looked at all the comments saying this story is good or I like it: all of those comments have a dislike. I personally like the story (hate meh bitches) and where its going so far. As long as he isnt overpowered. I mean, ive seen stories with over fucking powered heroes and shitty grammar with a crappy story line to it with at least 200 or more likes. Dafuq? If you dont like the story, GTFO. Dont make the excuse "its what the comment section is for faggot I can put my comments here". Just no. Put your fucking feedback then leave. Dont go on to the next chapter and leave MORE hate. Fucking idiots talking shit. I doubt that ALL of those fucking haters can write a story HALF as good as this one. You know why? Because this man/women (no idea who you are sorry) is putting their effort into a story with the ideas they like. Thats what this site is about you shit tards. You guys are bronies. We are ALL bronies. This site is a place where we can all come together and have fun, read stories we like, even talk and make friends. Its a place where we dont get criticized by 'anti bronies' or people that think being a brony is fuckin weird. Doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, bi, or transgender. You do not get judged here. If you judge people about such a small thing as a bad story? This site isnt the place for you. Go to fanfiction.com/net whatever the fuck it is and criticize people there. you aren't twelve year olds pretending to be 'elite quickscope #420Blazin noscope 360 shit talkers' on call of duty. You cant just call people bad because you have 'seen better' or 'have better'. THAT is my fuckin feedback. Now continue writing your story good sir/m'lady whichever one you prefer. Ill be here to support it.
-BrotallySwagical out mother fuckers. I love you bb.
6023435
This ISNT about entertainment. It's calling out someone for a warped view on humanity which isn't fair and accurate and who is WHITEWASHING the evil done by Equestrian people. And they have the benefit of super strength. Flight. Magic! We have none of those things. Of course our species looks violent in comparison.
But we have SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE on this planet. People who do crime and evil are the exception. Not the rule.
6024681
People hate it because it's not very well written, and it's full of misanthropy. Did you even read the description for the story?
Well it seems I have stirred up a bit of a hornets nest, but the comments made are quite interesting. Take for example the response of Newenglandee in which he states "This ISN'T about entertainment". Now I may have missed something but isn't fanfiction entirely for the purpose of entertainment? I mean that is why we read fiction in the first place right, to have fun?
Then there is the comment made by ngrey651 he says the story is poorly written. Ok but this is my first attempt ever at writing a story so I have a great deal to learn. If the story is poorly written then tell me what you feel could make it better, just saying the story is poorly written is not going to improve it.
Last but certainly not least, are the encouraging words of Brotallyswagical and Andre who seem to understand where I am coming from. I also wish to say to all those who have provided encouragement and constructive criticism that I deeply appreciate your commentary and kind words, you make it all worthwhile.
"I mean, there is so much corruption in this world its disgusting. People that only care about money and not the people they step on to get it in the process. Government with high taxes and stupid useless laws make people pay more money then they already do. Did you know in the nineteen nineties, 20-30 dollars you could buy a weeks worth of groceries? What is it now? Like fifteen dollars just for Milk, eggs, cereal, and maybe enough for water. And thats just the basic stuff. Minimum wage around here is only about ten dollars. How can someone live off of that? Paying bills for electricity, phone bill, water bill, car, gas, and their house. On top of their groceries, how do they pay for all that? You cant. Unless you are running multiple jobs And thay are full time. And college? What happens when people have a gift in being smart in something? They go to college and take just ONE class that costs thousands of dollars that leaves a student in debt for the rest of their minimum wage lives. All these corrupt people do this for what? Power? A piece of paper with a number on it? Or just because they want to. They call America free? All the racist slurs that go around to people that arent 'white'. America's elite race. You cant go outside and be yourself nowadays. You will get criticized and bullied for it. So they become someone Fake. There are so many fake people out there you dont know who to trust. Even families turn their backs on their own because they are 'different' or too weak. Nowadays you go outside to be nice. You say hi to people or how was their day. What do they think? Either you are flirting with them, you are weird as fuck, or you want something from them. Nowadays its 'become a follower' of something. Its no longer become a leader and take action. People are afraid of what will happen if they speak their mind. I honestly think that humans can be naturally dark, but others can also be good. For example: Martin Luther King. He rebelled peacefully for what was right. In the end, he was killed for what he believed in, but the things he believed in still passed. Even though racism and prejudice is still at an all time large in the U.S of fuckin A. You have a dream you want to follow. The worlds response-->How much money do you have to do it? Thats my thoughts." -Words from me earlier.
6027084 I was talking with andre earlier today and my thoughts on humans came up. I Might as well copy and past it here so you can read. You dont need to agree with me, these are my thoughts. I honestly think humans are naturally greedy and or dark. And government is partly corrupt. All everyone cares about these days is money.
Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions on humans.
6024681 haters gonna fuckin hate
6027567 you cheeky cunt you. I'll rek ya. Swear on me mum.
6027562
And yours are wrong. Opinions can still come from misguided places. You and the author are no exception.
6027084
The story is badly written and DRIPPING in "oh how humanity sucks". THAT is its biggest sin. You're whitewashing ponies and ignoring the good humanity has done. And that is WRONG, damn it.
You know it's funny, when I read the comments from those who claim humanity is not as bad as I think they only repeat "Your wrong" over and over again, but I have yet to see them provide evidence that disproves my point of view. In fact Brotallyswagical, who shares my point of view is actually the only one who sighted a good example of true humanity. He sighted Martin Luther King one of the few genuine heroes I know, of that to my knowledge has no real dirt staining his record. Martin Luther King as far as I can tell practiced what he preached and changed the united states for the better without violent action. But in the end he was murdered because he disturbed the status quo, a man who only wanted peace and equality was murdered for making the world better. That is why I have the hate that I do, because when good people do rise to show us a better way, they are slain by wicked people who want to remain ignorant. Tell me ngrey651, did you know that most of the richest and powerful businessmen in the world are confirmed sociopaths? It turns out that in the world of big business having sociopathic tendencies is quite useful, now consider that these same people have more say in our government than we do. Thanks to the supreme court ruling of "Money Talks" it is possible to bribe government officials legally, the basic principle of money talks is: we're all equal but those who are rich are a little more equal. But the really scary thing is that people allow this to happen without a second thought. There assertion is that there's nothing either nothing wrong or that there's nothing they can do, and to an extent there is nothing they can do. Our society has the delusion that violence is never the answer, yet we see clearly that asking nicely and trying to argue in favor of the greater good is no longer working. Consider that the constitution clearly states that people have the right to peaceably protest anywhere, but in recent years police have been claiming you need permits for that and that you can only protest in designated areas. Consider the famous video in which a policeman attacks protesters with pepper spray despite them being completely passive. I did not simply wake up one morning and decide to hate humanity. I watched, I studied, I learned, I analysed and in the end I arrived at my opinion through logic and reasoning over many years. You want to know why I get so angry at people? it's because I know they could be greater, but every time they have a choice between the greater good and selfish ignorance nine times out of ten they choose selfish ignorance. You say humanity is basically good, but that's because if we allowed ourselves to see what the world actually looks like we would fall apart. Now you will probably try to convince me I'm wrong by showing me various surveys and graphs from across the internet but let me ask you. How much do you know about where that information comes from? Have you ever met the people that wrote it? Do you have proof that they wrote it? And who do they work for? Let me give another example recently I was in a bookstore with a friend and he mentioned the company Monsanto, we argued about there genetic engineering endeavors and I wanted to confirm an assertion so I went to the science section. I first read from one of those "Idiots Guide" books, and I happened to see a passage about a scientist who had done tests showing that there might be serious problems with human consumption of genetically modified crops. The story in the book painted this scientist as being a pretentious ass who just wanted his name in the paper, as proof it made note that other scientists had trouble replicating his experiments. Now this book made no attempt to name who the other scientists were or more importantly why the experiment was hard to duplicate. They named the scientist they claimed was wrong but not any scientists who would swear to that. Well in the second book I tried I found mention of the same scientist and his experiment. The second book was very detailed in who it's sources were and what their credentials were, so you had written documentation proving accuracy. Now we get to the interesting part, it turns out that the reason the experiment could not be replicated is because the scientists would need access to the original DNA, which is owned and controlled by Monsanto. Now Monsanto would let you have access to the DNA but only if you agreed to a few legally binding conditions. First: Monsanto had the right to decide what findings you could publish, Second: they had the right to forbid you from publishing anything in the first place. So it turns out that the "Idiots Guide" was deliberately leaving out critical parts of the story, why? Because a lay person is far more likely to read an "Idiots Guide" than a complex scientifically formatted book. Now just to be clear I have forgotten the name of the books and the scientist involved, but as soon as I can I will find out what they are so you can see for yourself if you care to. Oh and one last question for newenglandee and ngrey651, you both say I am overlooking the evil of the residents of Equestria. But I can't seem to find any offences by the ponies that quite measure up to say, child soldiers, genocide, or ethnic cleansing, would you be so kind as to point out what I have missed?
6031476
Equestrian people have had hydras who can go around eating people alive , slavery, greed, gluttony, identity thieves of a literal variety, tyrants. And they have it easy since they have super strength, flight and MAGIC. MAAAGIC.
Humans have none of that. Ponies have animals who talk and are perfectly happy to be kept in pens and spiders that give you flowers. Humans have had to scratch and claw just to stay alive since the very beginning of our existence. And tyrants like Pol Pot and the like are exceptions, not the rule. The majority of people hate Lex Luthor and Stalin and Hitler and the like and look up to people like Gandhi, Superman, Mother Teresa. FDR. MLK.
Crime, corruption, cruelty are the exception. Not the rule. Simply because you can point to a few examples of such behavior happening doesn't make them the standard by which we rule. That's like pointing to that surfer idiot buying lobster with food stamps and saying he represents all people or the majority of those on food stamps. It's dishonest and ignores the statistics and facts.
And don't tell me "Oh it's so awful we need permits to demonstrate places". It's called reasonable limitations. You've always needed permits and the like if you wanna, say, hold a gigantic March to bring climate change awareness so that the city can prepare and nobody gets inconvenienced. And don't tell me we don't put limits on first amendment, it's called slander. Libel. Child porn. Shouting fire in a theater.
Life isn't about full freedom, but balancing responsibility with freedoms. And you wanna whine about corrupt CEOs? The ones everyone hates, as poll after poll proves? Want I should bring up how we're throwing the book at FIFA for all they did?
You expect instant change. That's not realistic. A hundred years ago gay folks couldn't be openly gay. Now we are on the cusp of gay marriage. A hundred fifty years ago black people were still in slavery, or at least de facto slavery. Now a black man is president. A hundred years ago women weren't even allowed to be in the workplace at all and were a husband's property. Now the next president is probably gonna be a woman!
You just choose to see the bad, not the good. It's a damn shame.
And yeah. You can argue "oh but we've made so many mistakes" yeah. Every nation does. That makes us stupid. Not evil. And no, our ancestors weren't as dumb as you think. The Middle Ages wasn't some grimy dystopia, the church kept the flames of knowledge burning and were responsible for majority of scientific breakthroughs of the time, like Gregor Mendel laying the foundations for DNA. Community bathing was a thing. Italy even put up quarantines when the Black Death came around and they worked. And those big, freakish "iron maidens"? No evidence they were ever actually used.
And you may say "oh but what about the Inquisitions and the like, oh how awful we were to our fellow man"? The inquisitions had a death total under 5,000 the entire time. More people die every year from Cancer than during the entire Inquisition. In fact, Stalin killed more people in a single year of his anti religious purges than the entire Inquistion.
The fact is, it's just more sensational and easier to see the bad. But that doesn't make it an accurate viewpoint.
Also, there's LITTLE scientific evidence that GMOs are actually dangerous. And that ain't no BS, that's the science. The same way it's settled on whether evolution is real or climate change is being accelerated by humans.
6032812
"Remove the stupid like, dislike bottom, I mean you can vote a comment too. Only because a story has much dislikes, it doesn't mean its complete garbage. But that's are the hard-core fan base who think they are god and only their stories are the best and the other ones are only garbage. Love, Tolerate hahahaha ... my ass. " No, but it's often something of a good measuring stick for the mainstream audience. And just because your story has a lot of downvotes doesn't mean it's bad, but it doesn't mean the audience might not have a point. There's a phrase that's apropos for this. And if you don't know what "apropos" means, it means "fitting".
"Too many men...can't be too far wrong".
If a story is popular it's because it either does what it wants to do WELL, or fits with a current trend that's popular with the fans at the moment, usually. This story doesn't do either. It's too meanspirited. And this is from someone who writes a lot of fetish work, and even MY story was more hopeful and optimistic than this thing.
6032946
The majority of people who read the story seem to disagree with you.
6033096
You don't trump well thought out arguments with stupid YouTube videos. And you haven't.
6032946 you know what im wondering dude? Why the fuck they are still here
You know newenglandee I have to say that you are absolutely adorable when you try to act smart, really I mean you have such a cute way of being stupid. But I think I owe you a little honesty, I have been mocking you for some time now. Yes you and your little friend ngrey651 have been a wonderful source of entertainment, but I am inclined to agree with Andre and brotallyswagical that the game has become tedious. You see I meet people like you and ngrey651 all the time, and if there's one thing I have learned it's that stupid can't be fixed unless a person want's it fixed, you clearly don't. Now I imagine that it comes as a surprise that the person you are trying to discourage is not only ignoring, and making fun of you but truly pities you, but take heart in the laughter you have given me. I could attack your frankly, sad little argument point by point, but as I said the game has gone on long enough. I do want to thank you for being such delightful entertainment but I have a story to write and I cannot be distracted by your whining anymore. I will continue to write my story and you will undoubtedly continue to try and discourage me.By the way if you think think I'm being misanthropic now just wait till I write the ending, I take great joy in telling you that you will truly hate it. As to those among you who like Andre and brotallyswgical, I can only say, thank you for having the courage to see the world as it is, you will always be welcome here. As for those of you who still stubbornly cling to the illusion of human good, I hope you are aware that in the end when the world is in flames and you are on your knees asking "How could this have happened". It will be people like me Andre, and brotallyswagical who will be there to repair the damage your stupidity will cause. We are the ones who are already preparing for the worst, we are the naysayers, the realists, and the ones who will never accept your pitiful delusion, we are we, were and we will always be "The Last Man Standing". Oh and just before I go, did you know Ghandi was a drunk who beat his wife? things to think about when your in your ivory tower.
Ah and I nearly forgot bewenglandee, ngrey651; HA HA HA HA HA.
6035317
Crime in New York has been steadily declining for years. You couldn't even get the point right. Nothing you guys said has been accurate. And the majority of the audience agrees with me as your rating bar shows. You don't even get to use the excuse of being a kind of fetish work that wouldn't appeal to the mainstream audience, it's a human in Equestria story. It takes a lot to screw that up. But you did it!
6035138
You don't get to complain when your work is featured in the "Badfic Bin" and "Overly Stupid Fanfiction" groups.
The Tribe has Spoken. They think your story is awful and any that are enjoying it are probably enjoying it ironically, the way people like "Birdemic" or "The Room" or "Sharknado".
Andre I completely agree with you and this is speaking as an upper middle class caucasian and heterosexual. Every day the oppression and prejudice people claim does not exist, is proven to still be very much in business. It may diminish in one area but only because it is displaced into others. We may not see it personally but if you dig just a bit under the veneer of so called civilisation you find all the people who are being crushed to feed our standard of living. By the way do you happen to have a can of insecticide I could borrow? There are a pair of flies in this room who are continually buzzing around my head, and despite the door being open they refuse to take the hint.
6036805
I never said it doesn't exist. It's just not the norm, and is uncommon. Which is a sign of positive change you ignore like a whiny emo brat complaining on your livejournal.
There's that pesky fly again.
Reviewing in all fairness, this really needs a lot of work. Putting aside the twisted view on humanity as a whole hovering in the background of this story, there are a lot of issues with the dialogue and pacing of the story. First, Adrian is very weird as a character, he seems to come across as creepy and almost like he has some evil plan brewing in the back of his mind. The way he talks really reminds me of a Bond villain; Polite and charming, but not in a genuine, charismatic kind of way. If you want to round out his character bring in some psychological diversity into the way you write him, have him get conflicted about being in Equestria, his mind trying to churn through this sudden, colossal change that he's experienced rather than being all like, 'Well I guess I'm here now'. Only a real psychopath would act in such a way, someone truly detached from reality.
Next, the story has focused on the whole Adrian x Twilight x Luna thing for a little too long at this point. We get it, it's happening, now change the theme, give the characters new challenges and obstacles to overcome and keep that story moving forward. As it stands it's just starting to stagnate a bit, and that could be a problem in future chapters. I see Chrysalis is tagged in the story, so I can safely assume the inevitable danger rolling towards the story will be changelings, this is a very, VERY crucial part of the story. Too many writers on this site (including me) have suddenly introduced the 'bad guy/s' without warning into a story, delivering no emotional turbulence to the audience who simply now have to deal with a rudely unexpected situation slapped in their face. Bad guys require build-up, and a fair amount. Allow the audience to see the danger crawling closer to the characters they have grown to like, and make the danger very much that, a DANGER. Having a bad guy who is simply slapped aside by the hero leaves a bad taste in anyone's mouth. It'll be a good idea to make Chrysalis a powerful, cruel and clever adversary.
On the point of the whole misanthropy subject flying around, you're allowed to believe what you like about humanity, no matter how wrong you may or may not be. Just respect the fact that this rabble of hairless monkeys were thrust into a scary world with no warning or manual to guide them through life, who somehow against all odds survived long enough to develop tools from rocks, then metals, then engines and finally electrics to very generously place that computer monitor in front of your face. Yeah, we're right and twisted in a lot of places, but people are scared, scared as hell of all this weird stuff that we've entitled 'life'. Even the 'evil' people are just scared of everything around them, and are just clawing at the ground a bit faster than the rest of us. Even for us westerners, with our computers, sodas and escapism, life is strange, hard and scary, it makes no sense and it's unfair that the earth just spat us out onto itself and expected us to just survive for seemingly no reason. Yet, despite all this, we've done, and created, some truly amazing things. A fair many of us have grown brave and/or bold enough to stop scratching at the dirt and truly search for something better in the world. And as a result, although slowly, we're making it. This is probably the best time to be alive for a lot of people, and although our society is far from truly fair, it's at least something.
As a race, we have managed to truly create something out of nothing. To me that makes us little miracles in a lot of ways.
Diomedes, thank you it's nice to finally get some useful criticism I was getting worried no one would give me an idea on how to improve. I can see your point about Adrian's personality it does seem like he is a bit sociopathic, but I promise you it's not that simple. Still, I guess I should give everyone a better idea of how his mind works, just bare in mind that he sees things in a very different manner than most people.
I was supposed to read the fic, but these comments are just too funny xdd
Befor I forget awhile back I promised you all that I would tell you the name of a scientist and book having to do with GMOs so hear it is.
The book is called "The GMO deception" and it's really a collection of essays and publications in book form. The one I was sighting was titled "A Conversation with Dr. Arpad Pusztai" it was written by "Samual W. Anderson". Now as to Dr. Arpad Puszatai I will quote directly from the book.
"Dr. Arapad Pusztai has published nearly three hundred papers and several books on plant lectins [a group of proteins on the cell membrane that bind to particular carbohydrates]. Since the "Pusztai affair" described below, he has given nearly two hundred lectures around the world and received the Federation of German Scientists' whistleblower award. He was commissioned by the German government in 2004 to evaluate safety studies of Monsanto's Mon 863 corn. This article originally appeared in Gene Watch, volume 22, number 1, January-February 2009."
Now as a bonus I am going to give a small present to my various detractors. I have always refused to allow you to anger me overmuch. I know a lot of you had probably wanted me to fly totally off the handle and go "I Shall have my revenge, blah, blah, blah.". Instead I tried to respond with calm measured and/or dismissive words, but now I am going to give all of you the reaction I know you wanted. Here I go, ahem.
Attention sub humans "you know who you are" I wish to inform you that talking back to your betters is highly unwise. The reason for this is that because you are not smart enough to qualify as human. No one will lift a finger to stop me should I choose to butcher your family in front of you and make you eat their remains. I am certain that you have no wish for such an outcome so if you will kindly cease screwing your immediate family. I am prepared to offer you an opportunity to fall to your knees and proceed to lick the dog shit from my boots. In addition I have made time on my schedule to hear your pleas for forgiveness as I flay you alive with a scourge dipped in Fire Ant venom. I also will graciously allow your family to turn over your homes and possessions for summary destruction. After you have earned my forgiveness I will see you burned alive so you may never again infect the world with your nonsense. Oh forgive me you have no idea what any of these words mean do you? Let me try to dumb it down to your level.
Ooog, ooog, hurgg, grunt, scratch scratch, oohoohahhahh, huhuhuhuh, duuuuuuh, belch, throw fecal matter, ogog, duh.
Is that simple enough? If not then I will read it to you as I destroy you and all you ever loved as painfully as possible.
Thank me for speaking with you.
Adune.
So was that ok? I did my best to create the response that appeals to the sub human mind. I know it's not perfect but I imagine that it's of higher quality than most.
Also I wish to thank again those of you who gave constructive criticism and encouragement, as long as you exist I have hope for tomorrow.
As for the rest of you, "I wish you a slow death but a quick ride to hell" or as you might say "OOG".
Most stories with a bad like score are actually bad but I think this one just got off on a bad start
Yeah I'm new to all this so the start isn't all that great, but I'm learning bit by bit.
Normally I actually read stories before downvoting them, but this is one of the few that I can't even make it past the description.
But after reading the comments and seeing how poorly you take people simply criticizing the fact that the narrative's horrendously misanthropic view of humanity is narrow-minded, factually wrong, and massively unappealing to read, I went through the first chapter just so I had the chance of getting a real response out of you.
In the first three paragraphs alone you already managed to make the exposition so incredibly bland that it was a struggle to keep going past that point. It reads like you were writing a formal essay rather than a piece of creative fiction. You should never refer to the reader as "one" in a work like this one, and you introduced the mane six in what amounts to a bulleted list.
Combine that with several grammatical errors, and immediately the story loses what little appeal it has left after the description you gave it.
You have no page break between the perspective shifts, you consistently use actual numbers instead of writing them out, the dialogue is nothing more than more exposition with no character or personality at all, the main character's "personality" gives me whiplash by switching back and forth between being overly formal and resembling the average angsty teenager in every other paragraph.
The ponies' reactions to him walking up the stairs were, quite frankly, stupid. They had all already seen him, there was no reason at all for Rarity to shout, and Rainbow's reaction was so over the top I'm pretty sure it circled all the way around and hit Adrain from the opposite side. And after all that talk about how humans are inherently assholes that have "chronic xenophobia that causes us to hate and fear that which is different", when the ponies immediately treat him exactly the same way he just gets up and brushes it off like nothing. Add to that the miraculous lack of injuries after being thrown through a window (which should have cut him to shreds, just FYI. He would need several stitches after that) and your first meeting with the main cast is already pulling in just about every bad cliche this fandom has to offer.
Your "edge" starts kicking in again when Adrain talks about why he wants to stay there--and I use the term "talks" loosely. He's now suddenly picked up the personality of the world's most misanthropic zen master. Not mentioning that doesn't make him look cool, or mysterious, or like anything other than an ass. I'm not really sure what sort of personality trait you were hoping for that part to exemplify, or what sort of deep, philosophical insight you want to hint at, but you missed the mark.
The whole "romance" thing with twilight is so forced I feel like I should get a restraining order against the story. If she blushes any more at every random comment he makes I'm pretty sure she'll pass out from blood loss since it's all in her cheeks.
And by the end of the chapter, that tendency for the dialogue to be nothing more than exposition disguised as character interaction is still there.
And finally, despite being a member of the site since last year, you still apparently don't know how to tag people in comments. I'm sure you'll have a witty and insightful response to this, but if you don't remember to tag me I'll never read it, since I can guarantee that I'll forget both your name and this story's title as soon as I close Chrome.
TL;DR - (though I'm sure you'll read it just so you can tell me how much better than me you are)
Your story immediately starts off on the wrong foot with the introduction, falling into one of the most hated cliches on the entire site. The actual story itself has several grammatical issues, bland dialogue, bland characters, and poor use of exposition. As it is, besides a few overly cliche reactions, you could replace every character with a cardboard cutout and it wouldn't make a difference. This story needs to be rewritten in its entirety.
If you're going to continue writing, I have three suggestions: The first is to get an editor. A good one. A lot of the flaws in this could be fixed if you had someone critiquing and polishing your work before you post it.
The second is that I can promise you'll get a better reception if you don't start the description with that paragraph you have up there now. If you have to specifically point out to your readers that you're not a jerk, it just makes you sound like even more of a jerk. People only get that defensive about things if there's at least a grain of truth there.
And finally, if you insist on keeping the hugely misanthropic view of humanity, it needs to be a catalyst for the main character to grow. If the whole story is just about how he's a misanthropic ass and all humans are dicks and he doesn't learn a profound lesson or grow in some way, your story will still be boring, no matter how technically skilled the actual writing is.
What's your point Azzy?
Of course the beginning sucks I have never done this before, how many times do I have to say it? You also openly admit that you make judgments based on limited information. Try reading the whole story, you are probably one of those people who says "I'm not a racist but, mexicans are lazy, and blacks are criminals.". I admit the story would probably benefit from the first few chapters being rewritten, but I am trying to learn as I go. Honestly Aziraphael your comment reads like someone who uses obvious problems as an excuse to be a jerk. I am also rather confused as to why everyone is so touchy about the introduction. So I have a dim view of humanity as a whole, who cares? Is there some law that requires that I love humanity unconditionally? Or one that says I am not entitled to my opinion? I'll let you in on a secret Azzy, I wrote that intro as a method of filtering out people like you who allow appearances to determine their opinion. Now I will admit I do that to on occasion, but the critical difference is I would never criticize anything without a detailed understanding of it. I would read the whole story and try to understand why the author wrote what he did. Earlier today I was reading a story with horrific grammar, and spelling. But I still read the whole thing, and while the grammer may have sucked I was able to tell that the guy did try his best. I was put off by the grammar but I considered any number of variables that may have been the cause. In this case I narrowed it down to either English not being the writer's first language, or they were drunk/exhausted when they wrote it. My point is that by reading between the lines I was led to consider if it was the grammar or the story that was the problem. In the end I liked the story enough to look past the lousy grammar and enjoy it for what the writer wanted it to be, rather than what it was.
Azzy if you had come to me in a slightly more informed and less insulting manner, I may have given your thoughts serious consideration. As it stands I see you as a pompous windbag, who can't even tell when he has derailed his whole argument in the first sentence. Azzy people like you are why I hate humanity, you hide behind a nice shiny coat of gold paint hoping that no one scratches it away to find the rusty iron underneath. Allow me to spell it out for you: you are an idiot pretending to be Einstein, and I would very much appreciate it if you would drop the act.
Signed "with great pity for your underdeveloped brain." Adune.
P.S If you decide to end the act do it by jumping off the top of a thirty story building, and make certain to have it recorded for my amusement.
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Hahahaha. I'm so glad you didn't disappoint me. I was looking forward to seeing what kind of a response you would give me all night while I was at work. I'll admit to being more than a little disappointed that you didn't actually link that as a proper reply, but I can let that slide.
Now for your actual response.
I will freely admit that your needlessly hostile attitude towards everyone that disagrees with you makes me find your intro statement about not really being a jerk wonderfully ironic, as well as doing a fantastic job of making me not like you personally, but the tone of my original post was to prove a point that you've missed, both in your response to my post as well as in a lot of other posts as well. There were a lot of very good tips on improving both the first chapter of your story, as well as your writing overall, and you ignored every single one of them in order to go on a rant about how superior you are. A lot of the other comments that you've angrily dismissed were the same.
I hate to break it to you, but if you were really that superior you wouldn't have more than twice as many downvotes on your story as you do upvotes. Even discounting the downvotes you got by making yourself look like the jerk you claim not to be, you would still be running close to even, if not more in favor of the downvotes, just based on the quality of the story itself. If you spent as much time actually learning how to handle criticism as you do coming up with angsty responses to people's criticisms you would actually be improving.
You blame "people like me" for why you hate humanity, but from where I'm sitting, looking back at all the responses you've given to everyone else that disagreed with you, you provoke those sorts of responses from people. You posted a story with a summary that basically amounts to "all of the people who read my story are assholes and I hate you" and then get righteously indignant when people respond to you in the same way. Friendship is a two-way street, and more often than not, people will surprise you with how willing they are to walk it if you give them a chance.
To get into the few bits of your response that will allow me to give legitimate advice in response, it does matter if the beginning of your story is well written, and here's why: you're writing creative fiction. People read these stories to be entertained, and there's nothing entertaining about poor grammar, poor spelling, and poor writing. If you want people to read to the end of your story, you have to make them want to get to the end. Very few people will spend their time slogging through a story that they don't enjoy just because it might get better at the end.
You mentioned that you don't understand why the way you phrased your summary is important, which tells me that you don't really understand what that summary is supposed to accomplish. That summary is your hook. That's what gets people to read your story and not just walk away to read something else. Opening up with a comment about how you're not really a jerk, despite the fact that you act like one (your words there, not mine) and then a paragraph about how all humans are assholes really doesn't make the story sound appealing.
If you want to have your own opinions and use a poor summary to filter out people that disagree with you, go right ahead. But ignoring the responses you get from people who disagree with you will do nothing but ensure that you never improve as a writer like you claim you're trying to. Just because a reply is aggressively worded, or even outright cruel, doesn't change the fact that it could still contain valid points and valid criticisms of your technique that you can use to improve.
The story about you reading a story with poor grammar and spelling, and then excusing it because they might have been drunk or exhausted when they wrote it tells me something very worrying about how you view your own writing. If someone writes a story while they're impaired, that's perfectly fine. But the fact that they posted it without fixing the errors that their impairment led to means that they don't care about what they're writing. It's a choice to hit that publish button, and if an author doesn't care enough about their own writing to make it the best they're capable of before posting it, why should a reader care about it either? And if English isn't his native language, or he's just poor at grammar, that's what pre-readers and editors are for. This site has tons of groups with people willing to provide that service to anyone who asks.
I honestly doubt you'll take this any more seriously than you've taken any of the previous responses, whether from me or anyone else, but if you're serious about trying to improve your writing, I hope you do.
Corollary to Azi: I know several people who are great story-crafters, but their English is a bit wonky. They tend to have at minimum, one editor, sometimes two, and always seriously consider what the readers point out if they're doing something wrong. Being a condescending egotistical asshole doesn't help improve your writing.
You want to improve? Fine, that's a goal many writers here have. That implies that you understand that your own writing skills suck, and considering this site exists to provide the entertainment of its readers, you better make sure your readers are entertained. Shutting up anyone who isn't a Yes Man doesn't help you improve.
Ok enough of this, I honestly can't tell who is trying to offer real advice any longer. In a lot of the critical comments I'm getting the valid insight is overshadowed by the nasty tone of the comments. If you have a valid point written in a friendly manner I will listen, but if you feel this overwhelming need to give your comments an insulting overtone. Then don't be surprised when I respond the same way. Bottom line, I have had all I can take of this garbage and I henceforth will not respond to negative commentary. If you have something to say to help then write it in a manner that is at least neutral in tone. I know a lot of you don't like my attitude toward humanity, fine, I know a lot of you don't like me personally, fine. I refuse to play this game anymore, I will however leave my detractors with this parting comment.
At one time the majority of people saw nothing wrong with slavery and feminine oppression. Given that, how certain are you that the majority are always right?
Signed Adune
P.S For the record I have never seen myself as "better" than anyone else, I am just as horrible as the next human.
Okay, you douches need to stop hating on this story. LIKE NOW. If you don't like it, DONT READ IT!!!! What do you want?!? The author to RAGE QUIT!?! Okay......
You know what? I want EVERYONE who has hated on this story to hate on my stories too. Okay?!? Just STOP FUCKING HATING ON THIS STORY!!! FUCK!!!
Why does this have a gore tag, but not a dark tag?
i like this story dont let the haters get u down