An unusual human enters equestria and discovers a paradise that is everything he ever wanted. But if he can get there other humans could too, and if that happens there is only one way to save his new home.
Normally I actually read stories before downvoting them, but this is one of the few that I can't even make it past the description.
But after reading the comments and seeing how poorly you take people simply criticizing the fact that the narrative's horrendously misanthropic view of humanity is narrow-minded, factually wrong, and massively unappealing to read, I went through the first chapter just so I had the chance of getting a real response out of you.
In the first three paragraphs alone you already managed to make the exposition so incredibly bland that it was a struggle to keep going past that point. It reads like you were writing a formal essay rather than a piece of creative fiction. You should never refer to the reader as "one" in a work like this one, and you introduced the mane six in what amounts to a bulleted list.
Combine that with several grammatical errors, and immediately the story loses what little appeal it has left after the description you gave it.
You have no page break between the perspective shifts, you consistently use actual numbers instead of writing them out, the dialogue is nothing more than more exposition with no character or personality at all, the main character's "personality" gives me whiplash by switching back and forth between being overly formal and resembling the average angsty teenager in every other paragraph.
The ponies' reactions to him walking up the stairs were, quite frankly, stupid. They had all already seen him, there was no reason at all for Rarity to shout, and Rainbow's reaction was so over the top I'm pretty sure it circled all the way around and hit Adrain from the opposite side. And after all that talk about how humans are inherently assholes that have "chronic xenophobia that causes us to hate and fear that which is different", when the ponies immediately treat him exactly the same way he just gets up and brushes it off like nothing. Add to that the miraculous lack of injuries after being thrown through a window (which should have cut him to shreds, just FYI. He would need several stitches after that) and your first meeting with the main cast is already pulling in just about every bad cliche this fandom has to offer.
Your "edge" starts kicking in again when Adrain talks about why he wants to stay there--and I use the term "talks" loosely. He's now suddenly picked up the personality of the world's most misanthropic zen master. Not mentioning that doesn't make him look cool, or mysterious, or like anything other than an ass. I'm not really sure what sort of personality trait you were hoping for that part to exemplify, or what sort of deep, philosophical insight you want to hint at, but you missed the mark.
The whole "romance" thing with twilight is so forced I feel like I should get a restraining order against the story. If she blushes any more at every random comment he makes I'm pretty sure she'll pass out from blood loss since it's all in her cheeks.
And by the end of the chapter, that tendency for the dialogue to be nothing more than exposition disguised as character interaction is still there.
And finally, despite being a member of the site since last year, you still apparently don't know how to tag people in comments. I'm sure you'll have a witty and insightful response to this, but if you don't remember to tag me I'll never read it, since I can guarantee that I'll forget both your name and this story's title as soon as I close Chrome.
TL;DR - (though I'm sure you'll read it just so you can tell me how much better than me you are)
Your story immediately starts off on the wrong foot with the introduction, falling into one of the most hated cliches on the entire site. The actual story itself has several grammatical issues, bland dialogue, bland characters, and poor use of exposition. As it is, besides a few overly cliche reactions, you could replace every character with a cardboard cutout and it wouldn't make a difference. This story needs to be rewritten in its entirety.
If you're going to continue writing, I have three suggestions: The first is to get an editor. A good one. A lot of the flaws in this could be fixed if you had someone critiquing and polishing your work before you post it.
The second is that I can promise you'll get a better reception if you don't start the description with that paragraph you have up there now. If you have to specifically point out to your readers that you're not a jerk, it just makes you sound like even more of a jerk. People only get that defensive about things if there's at least a grain of truth there.
And finally, if you insist on keeping the hugely misanthropic view of humanity, it needs to be a catalyst for the main character to grow. If the whole story is just about how he's a misanthropic ass and all humans are dicks and he doesn't learn a profound lesson or grow in some way, your story will still be boring, no matter how technically skilled the actual writing is.
Of course the beginning sucks I have never done this before, how many times do I have to say it? You also openly admit that you make judgments based on limited information. Try reading the whole story, you are probably one of those people who says "I'm not a racist but, mexicans are lazy, and blacks are criminals.". I admit the story would probably benefit from the first few chapters being rewritten, but I am trying to learn as I go. Honestly Aziraphael your comment reads like someone who uses obvious problems as an excuse to be a jerk. I am also rather confused as to why everyone is so touchy about the introduction. So I have a dim view of humanity as a whole, who cares? Is there some law that requires that I love humanity unconditionally? Or one that says I am not entitled to my opinion? I'll let you in on a secret Azzy, I wrote that intro as a method of filtering out people like you who allow appearances to determine their opinion. Now I will admit I do that to on occasion, but the critical difference is I would never criticize anything without a detailed understanding of it. I would read the whole story and try to understand why the author wrote what he did. Earlier today I was reading a story with horrific grammar, and spelling. But I still read the whole thing, and while the grammer may have sucked I was able to tell that the guy did try his best. I was put off by the grammar but I considered any number of variables that may have been the cause. In this case I narrowed it down to either English not being the writer's first language, or they were drunk/exhausted when they wrote it. My point is that by reading between the lines I was led to consider if it was the grammar or the story that was the problem. In the end I liked the story enough to look past the lousy grammar and enjoy it for what the writer wanted it to be, rather than what it was.
Azzy if you had come to me in a slightly more informed and less insulting manner, I may have given your thoughts serious consideration. As it stands I see you as a pompous windbag, who can't even tell when he has derailed his whole argument in the first sentence. Azzy people like you are why I hate humanity, you hide behind a nice shiny coat of gold paint hoping that no one scratches it away to find the rusty iron underneath. Allow me to spell it out for you: you are an idiot pretending to be Einstein, and I would very much appreciate it if you would drop the act.
Signed "with great pity for your underdeveloped brain." Adune.
P.S If you decide to end the act do it by jumping off the top of a thirty story building, and make certain to have it recorded for my amusement.
6235694 Hahahaha. I'm so glad you didn't disappoint me. I was looking forward to seeing what kind of a response you would give me all night while I was at work. I'll admit to being more than a little disappointed that you didn't actually link that as a proper reply, but I can let that slide.
Now for your actual response.
I will freely admit that your needlessly hostile attitude towards everyone that disagrees with you makes me find your intro statement about not really being a jerk wonderfully ironic, as well as doing a fantastic job of making me not like you personally, but the tone of my original post was to prove a point that you've missed, both in your response to my post as well as in a lot of other posts as well. There were a lot of very good tips on improving both the first chapter of your story, as well as your writing overall, and you ignored every single one of them in order to go on a rant about how superior you are. A lot of the other comments that you've angrily dismissed were the same.
I hate to break it to you, but if you were really that superior you wouldn't have more than twice as many downvotes on your story as you do upvotes. Even discounting the downvotes you got by making yourself look like the jerk you claim not to be, you would still be running close to even, if not more in favor of the downvotes, just based on the quality of the story itself. If you spent as much time actually learning how to handle criticism as you do coming up with angsty responses to people's criticisms you would actually be improving.
You blame "people like me" for why you hate humanity, but from where I'm sitting, looking back at all the responses you've given to everyone else that disagreed with you, you provoke those sorts of responses from people. You posted a story with a summary that basically amounts to "all of the people who read my story are assholes and I hate you" and then get righteously indignant when people respond to you in the same way. Friendship is a two-way street, and more often than not, people will surprise you with how willing they are to walk it if you give them a chance.
To get into the few bits of your response that will allow me to give legitimate advice in response, it does matter if the beginning of your story is well written, and here's why: you're writing creative fiction. People read these stories to be entertained, and there's nothing entertaining about poor grammar, poor spelling, and poor writing. If you want people to read to the end of your story, you have to make them want to get to the end. Very few people will spend their time slogging through a story that they don't enjoy just because it might get better at the end.
You mentioned that you don't understand why the way you phrased your summary is important, which tells me that you don't really understand what that summary is supposed to accomplish. That summary is your hook. That's what gets people to read your story and not just walk away to read something else. Opening up with a comment about how you're not really a jerk, despite the fact that you act like one (your words there, not mine) and then a paragraph about how all humans are assholes really doesn't make the story sound appealing.
If you want to have your own opinions and use a poor summary to filter out people that disagree with you, go right ahead. But ignoring the responses you get from people who disagree with you will do nothing but ensure that you never improve as a writer like you claim you're trying to. Just because a reply is aggressively worded, or even outright cruel, doesn't change the fact that it could still contain valid points and valid criticisms of your technique that you can use to improve.
The story about you reading a story with poor grammar and spelling, and then excusing it because they might have been drunk or exhausted when they wrote it tells me something very worrying about how you view your own writing. If someone writes a story while they're impaired, that's perfectly fine. But the fact that they posted it without fixing the errors that their impairment led to means that they don't care about what they're writing. It's a choice to hit that publish button, and if an author doesn't care enough about their own writing to make it the best they're capable of before posting it, why should a reader care about it either? And if English isn't his native language, or he's just poor at grammar, that's what pre-readers and editors are for. This site has tons of groups with people willing to provide that service to anyone who asks.
I honestly doubt you'll take this any more seriously than you've taken any of the previous responses, whether from me or anyone else, but if you're serious about trying to improve your writing, I hope you do.
Corollary to Azi: I know several people who are great story-crafters, but their English is a bit wonky. They tend to have at minimum, one editor, sometimes two, and always seriously consider what the readers point out if they're doing something wrong. Being a condescending egotistical asshole doesn't help improve your writing. You want to improve? Fine, that's a goal many writers here have. That implies that you understand that your own writing skills suck, and considering this site exists to provide the entertainment of its readers, you better make sure your readers are entertained. Shutting up anyone who isn't a Yes Man doesn't help you improve.
Ok enough of this, I honestly can't tell who is trying to offer real advice any longer. In a lot of the critical comments I'm getting the valid insight is overshadowed by the nasty tone of the comments. If you have a valid point written in a friendly manner I will listen, but if you feel this overwhelming need to give your comments an insulting overtone. Then don't be surprised when I respond the same way. Bottom line, I have had all I can take of this garbage and I henceforth will not respond to negative commentary. If you have something to say to help then write it in a manner that is at least neutral in tone. I know a lot of you don't like my attitude toward humanity, fine, I know a lot of you don't like me personally, fine. I refuse to play this game anymore, I will however leave my detractors with this parting comment.
At one time the majority of people saw nothing wrong with slavery and feminine oppression. Given that, how certain are you that the majority are always right?
Signed Adune
P.S For the record I have never seen myself as "better" than anyone else, I am just as horrible as the next human.
Okay, you douches need to stop hating on this story. LIKE NOW. If you don't like it, DONT READ IT!!!! What do you want?!? The author to RAGE QUIT!?! Okay......
You know what? I want EVERYONE who has hated on this story to hate on my stories too. Okay?!? Just STOP FUCKING HATING ON THIS STORY!!! FUCK!!!
Normally I actually read stories before downvoting them, but this is one of the few that I can't even make it past the description.
But after reading the comments and seeing how poorly you take people simply criticizing the fact that the narrative's horrendously misanthropic view of humanity is narrow-minded, factually wrong, and massively unappealing to read, I went through the first chapter just so I had the chance of getting a real response out of you.
In the first three paragraphs alone you already managed to make the exposition so incredibly bland that it was a struggle to keep going past that point. It reads like you were writing a formal essay rather than a piece of creative fiction. You should never refer to the reader as "one" in a work like this one, and you introduced the mane six in what amounts to a bulleted list.
Combine that with several grammatical errors, and immediately the story loses what little appeal it has left after the description you gave it.
You have no page break between the perspective shifts, you consistently use actual numbers instead of writing them out, the dialogue is nothing more than more exposition with no character or personality at all, the main character's "personality" gives me whiplash by switching back and forth between being overly formal and resembling the average angsty teenager in every other paragraph.
The ponies' reactions to him walking up the stairs were, quite frankly, stupid. They had all already seen him, there was no reason at all for Rarity to shout, and Rainbow's reaction was so over the top I'm pretty sure it circled all the way around and hit Adrain from the opposite side. And after all that talk about how humans are inherently assholes that have "chronic xenophobia that causes us to hate and fear that which is different", when the ponies immediately treat him exactly the same way he just gets up and brushes it off like nothing. Add to that the miraculous lack of injuries after being thrown through a window (which should have cut him to shreds, just FYI. He would need several stitches after that) and your first meeting with the main cast is already pulling in just about every bad cliche this fandom has to offer.
Your "edge" starts kicking in again when Adrain talks about why he wants to stay there--and I use the term "talks" loosely. He's now suddenly picked up the personality of the world's most misanthropic zen master. Not mentioning that doesn't make him look cool, or mysterious, or like anything other than an ass. I'm not really sure what sort of personality trait you were hoping for that part to exemplify, or what sort of deep, philosophical insight you want to hint at, but you missed the mark.
The whole "romance" thing with twilight is so forced I feel like I should get a restraining order against the story. If she blushes any more at every random comment he makes I'm pretty sure she'll pass out from blood loss since it's all in her cheeks.
And by the end of the chapter, that tendency for the dialogue to be nothing more than exposition disguised as character interaction is still there.
And finally, despite being a member of the site since last year, you still apparently don't know how to tag people in comments. I'm sure you'll have a witty and insightful response to this, but if you don't remember to tag me I'll never read it, since I can guarantee that I'll forget both your name and this story's title as soon as I close Chrome.
TL;DR - (though I'm sure you'll read it just so you can tell me how much better than me you are)
Your story immediately starts off on the wrong foot with the introduction, falling into one of the most hated cliches on the entire site. The actual story itself has several grammatical issues, bland dialogue, bland characters, and poor use of exposition. As it is, besides a few overly cliche reactions, you could replace every character with a cardboard cutout and it wouldn't make a difference. This story needs to be rewritten in its entirety.
If you're going to continue writing, I have three suggestions: The first is to get an editor. A good one. A lot of the flaws in this could be fixed if you had someone critiquing and polishing your work before you post it.
The second is that I can promise you'll get a better reception if you don't start the description with that paragraph you have up there now. If you have to specifically point out to your readers that you're not a jerk, it just makes you sound like even more of a jerk. People only get that defensive about things if there's at least a grain of truth there.
And finally, if you insist on keeping the hugely misanthropic view of humanity, it needs to be a catalyst for the main character to grow. If the whole story is just about how he's a misanthropic ass and all humans are dicks and he doesn't learn a profound lesson or grow in some way, your story will still be boring, no matter how technically skilled the actual writing is.
What's your point Azzy?
Of course the beginning sucks I have never done this before, how many times do I have to say it? You also openly admit that you make judgments based on limited information. Try reading the whole story, you are probably one of those people who says "I'm not a racist but, mexicans are lazy, and blacks are criminals.". I admit the story would probably benefit from the first few chapters being rewritten, but I am trying to learn as I go. Honestly Aziraphael your comment reads like someone who uses obvious problems as an excuse to be a jerk. I am also rather confused as to why everyone is so touchy about the introduction. So I have a dim view of humanity as a whole, who cares? Is there some law that requires that I love humanity unconditionally? Or one that says I am not entitled to my opinion? I'll let you in on a secret Azzy, I wrote that intro as a method of filtering out people like you who allow appearances to determine their opinion. Now I will admit I do that to on occasion, but the critical difference is I would never criticize anything without a detailed understanding of it. I would read the whole story and try to understand why the author wrote what he did. Earlier today I was reading a story with horrific grammar, and spelling. But I still read the whole thing, and while the grammer may have sucked I was able to tell that the guy did try his best. I was put off by the grammar but I considered any number of variables that may have been the cause. In this case I narrowed it down to either English not being the writer's first language, or they were drunk/exhausted when they wrote it. My point is that by reading between the lines I was led to consider if it was the grammar or the story that was the problem. In the end I liked the story enough to look past the lousy grammar and enjoy it for what the writer wanted it to be, rather than what it was.
Azzy if you had come to me in a slightly more informed and less insulting manner, I may have given your thoughts serious consideration. As it stands I see you as a pompous windbag, who can't even tell when he has derailed his whole argument in the first sentence. Azzy people like you are why I hate humanity, you hide behind a nice shiny coat of gold paint hoping that no one scratches it away to find the rusty iron underneath. Allow me to spell it out for you: you are an idiot pretending to be Einstein, and I would very much appreciate it if you would drop the act.
Signed "with great pity for your underdeveloped brain." Adune.
P.S If you decide to end the act do it by jumping off the top of a thirty story building, and make certain to have it recorded for my amusement.
6235694
Hahahaha. I'm so glad you didn't disappoint me. I was looking forward to seeing what kind of a response you would give me all night while I was at work. I'll admit to being more than a little disappointed that you didn't actually link that as a proper reply, but I can let that slide.
Now for your actual response.
I will freely admit that your needlessly hostile attitude towards everyone that disagrees with you makes me find your intro statement about not really being a jerk wonderfully ironic, as well as doing a fantastic job of making me not like you personally, but the tone of my original post was to prove a point that you've missed, both in your response to my post as well as in a lot of other posts as well. There were a lot of very good tips on improving both the first chapter of your story, as well as your writing overall, and you ignored every single one of them in order to go on a rant about how superior you are. A lot of the other comments that you've angrily dismissed were the same.
I hate to break it to you, but if you were really that superior you wouldn't have more than twice as many downvotes on your story as you do upvotes. Even discounting the downvotes you got by making yourself look like the jerk you claim not to be, you would still be running close to even, if not more in favor of the downvotes, just based on the quality of the story itself. If you spent as much time actually learning how to handle criticism as you do coming up with angsty responses to people's criticisms you would actually be improving.
You blame "people like me" for why you hate humanity, but from where I'm sitting, looking back at all the responses you've given to everyone else that disagreed with you, you provoke those sorts of responses from people. You posted a story with a summary that basically amounts to "all of the people who read my story are assholes and I hate you" and then get righteously indignant when people respond to you in the same way. Friendship is a two-way street, and more often than not, people will surprise you with how willing they are to walk it if you give them a chance.
To get into the few bits of your response that will allow me to give legitimate advice in response, it does matter if the beginning of your story is well written, and here's why: you're writing creative fiction. People read these stories to be entertained, and there's nothing entertaining about poor grammar, poor spelling, and poor writing. If you want people to read to the end of your story, you have to make them want to get to the end. Very few people will spend their time slogging through a story that they don't enjoy just because it might get better at the end.
You mentioned that you don't understand why the way you phrased your summary is important, which tells me that you don't really understand what that summary is supposed to accomplish. That summary is your hook. That's what gets people to read your story and not just walk away to read something else. Opening up with a comment about how you're not really a jerk, despite the fact that you act like one (your words there, not mine) and then a paragraph about how all humans are assholes really doesn't make the story sound appealing.
If you want to have your own opinions and use a poor summary to filter out people that disagree with you, go right ahead. But ignoring the responses you get from people who disagree with you will do nothing but ensure that you never improve as a writer like you claim you're trying to. Just because a reply is aggressively worded, or even outright cruel, doesn't change the fact that it could still contain valid points and valid criticisms of your technique that you can use to improve.
The story about you reading a story with poor grammar and spelling, and then excusing it because they might have been drunk or exhausted when they wrote it tells me something very worrying about how you view your own writing. If someone writes a story while they're impaired, that's perfectly fine. But the fact that they posted it without fixing the errors that their impairment led to means that they don't care about what they're writing. It's a choice to hit that publish button, and if an author doesn't care enough about their own writing to make it the best they're capable of before posting it, why should a reader care about it either? And if English isn't his native language, or he's just poor at grammar, that's what pre-readers and editors are for. This site has tons of groups with people willing to provide that service to anyone who asks.
I honestly doubt you'll take this any more seriously than you've taken any of the previous responses, whether from me or anyone else, but if you're serious about trying to improve your writing, I hope you do.
Corollary to Azi: I know several people who are great story-crafters, but their English is a bit wonky. They tend to have at minimum, one editor, sometimes two, and always seriously consider what the readers point out if they're doing something wrong. Being a condescending egotistical asshole doesn't help improve your writing.
You want to improve? Fine, that's a goal many writers here have. That implies that you understand that your own writing skills suck, and considering this site exists to provide the entertainment of its readers, you better make sure your readers are entertained. Shutting up anyone who isn't a Yes Man doesn't help you improve.
Ok enough of this, I honestly can't tell who is trying to offer real advice any longer. In a lot of the critical comments I'm getting the valid insight is overshadowed by the nasty tone of the comments. If you have a valid point written in a friendly manner I will listen, but if you feel this overwhelming need to give your comments an insulting overtone. Then don't be surprised when I respond the same way. Bottom line, I have had all I can take of this garbage and I henceforth will not respond to negative commentary. If you have something to say to help then write it in a manner that is at least neutral in tone. I know a lot of you don't like my attitude toward humanity, fine, I know a lot of you don't like me personally, fine. I refuse to play this game anymore, I will however leave my detractors with this parting comment.
At one time the majority of people saw nothing wrong with slavery and feminine oppression. Given that, how certain are you that the majority are always right?
Signed Adune
P.S For the record I have never seen myself as "better" than anyone else, I am just as horrible as the next human.
Okay, you douches need to stop hating on this story. LIKE NOW. If you don't like it, DONT READ IT!!!! What do you want?!? The author to RAGE QUIT!?! Okay......
You know what? I want EVERYONE who has hated on this story to hate on my stories too. Okay?!? Just STOP FUCKING HATING ON THIS STORY!!! FUCK!!!
6365633 Couldn't say better myself.