The Napoleons: The Confessions & Revelations Of The Greatest Mafia Family

by Bluecatcinema

Dons To Dons

'As I'm sure you know, the Bitalian mafia isn't the only organised crime syndicate in the world. There are many others, in many other countries: Russiaddle, Chineigh, Japony, Shetland, even Hindia. Some of these organizations kept to themselves, but a lot of them reached out to others, combining resources and ensuring we wouldn't all be stepping on each others' hooves. To that end, every so often, we held a meeting between dons. My father, Clyde, naturally attended these, often bringing along Anarchy (as the dons often brought their sons along). But the year after Anarchy died, he brought me instead...'

After a long carriage ride, Clyde and Grimoire arrived in Russiaddle, which had been chosen as the location of that year's meeting. As they climbed out of the carriage, Grimoire shivered, as it was snowing heavily.

"Come on, Grim." Clyde urged. "There's no time to waste. We have important matters to attend to."

"You mean you have important matters to attend to." Grimoire pouted. "I'll be stuck having to make nice with the other dons' sons."

"And what's wrong with that?" Clyde asked.

"The fact that we don't have much in common, other than beings sons of dons." Grimoire sighed. "And that most of them are jerks."

"Well I'm sorry, but this is about more than just you." Clyde scolded him. "This meeting is about the peaceful co-existence of our families.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re friends with their dads.” Grimiore frowned.

“Friends?” Clyde chuckled, before scowling. “Don’t make me laugh. They're all smug, thuggish jerks. If it was up to me, I would blow all their heads off.”

“Really?” Grimm raised a brow. “Then why are we allies?”

“It’s called having a common interest.” Clyde declared, letting out a sigh, “As strong a mafia we are, there’s only so much power that we have on our own. The same goes for the other mafias. By banding our powers together, we can maintain territories and operations, and help one another should we get in a jam. That’s why I am here.”

“Then why am I here, making nice with their sons?” Grimm crossed his hooves.

“Because, son, like you will be one day, they are going to be dons. You may hate them with all your guts, and them likewise, but couple of years from now, they are going to be your greatest allies. So, suck it up, and let’s get this over with.”

"...Fine." Grimoire huffed. "Now can we please get out of this blizzard?"

Father and son made their way to an old mansion where the meeting was being held. As they entered, they were greeted by servants, who offered to take their coats. After taking a moment to warm up, they went their separate ways; Clyde went to the meeting room, while Grimoire went to the parlor, where the other dons' sons were waiting.

There was Crowe Darkside, son of Raven Darkside, the Russiaddlan don. He was a Unicorn with no mane (he had shaved it off), a black tail, a charcoal gray coat, icy blue eyes, and a crow Cutie Mark.

Then there was Kong Barrel, son of Kai Barrel, the Chineighse don, an pudgy gold-coated Earth Pony with a dull blue mane, orange eyes, and a Cutie Mark of three barrels. With him was a translator (a light blue Earth Pony with a blonde mane, gray eyes, and a microphone Cutie Mark), since he didn't speak any English. His father said it was a condition, while others said it was just them not wanting to teach him other languages.

Zebediah 'Motherland' Ireland, son of Zachariah Ireland, don of the Shetland mafia, was next. He was a zebra with brown eyes, a short black afro mane, and a symbol resembling a pyramid on his flank.

After him was Zugzwang Marwari, son of Deepak Marwari, don of Hindia. A bright orange Pegasus with a yellow mane that parted into two long crests, green eyes, and a wishbone Cutie Mark.

Finally, there was the Unicorn Kamikaze Kawai, son of Daigo Kawai, head of the Japonese mafia. He had a dirty white coat, a brown mane, lavender eyes, and a katana Cutie Mark.

"Hello, Grim." Crowe declared. “’Bout time you showed up.”

"Hello, Crowe." Grimoire said curtly.

'We had all met before that day, of course. I had met most of them a couple of years back, when our mansion was the venue for the meeting. But I had met Crowe a little while before, when he and his father came over for dinner one night. Crowe wasn't exactly the most pleasant stallion. In fact, he was the most intimidating, fierce, and somewhat sadistic of our little group. It didn’t help that his father was rather infamous for mass murders and terrorism across Russiaddle, including an incident they call ‘No Russiaddlans’, some incident at an airship port. What happened that day is not fit for description.’

‘Nevertheless, Crowee had always been pleasant to me, and thus was one of the sons that I liked enough to actually be civil with.'

“Grimm, my man! Whaddup?!” Zebediah raised a hoof.

“Hello, Zebediah.” Grimm nodded, giving a small hoof bump.

'Zebediah is a rather shifty zebra if I had ever met one. Make no mistake, Zebediah is actually a very friendly guy, one you could enjoy a drink or shoot cans with. However, he has this thing about loyalty... or rather a lack thereof. I do consider him my friend, as he does me, but when given an opportunity in which he stands to gain a lot, he would go as far as to sell out his own mother to get ahead. He betrayed all of us at one point or another, but we never hold it against him. His mafia family was not a strong one, their choice of craft being drug smuggling, and both he and his father struggled to stay aloft amongst us ‘titans’ as he called us. And when he did betray us, it was never personal, it was just business. So we always forgive him (albeit we have him stay away from us for a couple of weeks to get over it). It didn't make it easy to trust him, though...'

"What are you doing here? I thought this was for heirs only." Zebediah asked, with a confused frown. “Where's Anarchy?"

"Don't you remember?" Zugzwang said contemptuously. "Anarchy's dead."

"Oh, yeah..." Zebediah shrugged. "Sorry for you loss, Grim."

"Hoo tah glar moochik babbit.” Kong gurgled.

"Master Barrel wishes to offer you his condolences." The translator told Grimoire.

“Oh, thank you, Kong.” Grim gave a small smile.

'Kong was always polite and tactful (or at least, that's how his translator made it sound). To this day I can’t understand what it is he says without his translator being there. His family specialized in weapon smuggling. They weren’t as bold as Darkside, but more often than not, their family would be questioned by the Global Equine Security Force, wondering if they had weapons of mass destruction. Being rather fat, Kong doesn’t get around much, and isn’t much of a fighter. But he does keep a crossbow handy for self-defense... or executing his translator (the latter happening more often than the former). He’s a good guy, albeit a bit spoiled... but he is a big pervert. Due to his status, he actually keeps a harem at home, all for his pleasure. But should he see a mare with a ‘shar herk' (‘luscious flank’) or 'toola dag' (‘great legs’) as he put it, he would have the translator bring up what he'd like to do with them... and trust me, you would not want to hear it.'

"I heard he got stabbed in the back by some low-life informant." Kamikaze sneered. "Pretty lame way to go if you ask me..."

"What did you say?!" Grimoire spat.

'Kamikaze... I never liked him. He was a total jerk, convinced he was better than everypony else, and not shy about expressing that opinion. Out of all our families, his was the richest and most technologically advanced. His family helps produce and engineer the goods and bring them into circulation. Drugs, weapons, even mares, if it was considered illegal, they can make it. Kamikaze and his family own it all, and he would lord it over each and one of us. It doesn’t help that he has a temper even more worse than Slot, and he would smash a guy’s head in if something doesn’t go his way. All in all, he’s a buckhole.'

"Show some respect." Crowe growled, staring down Kamikaze. "Anarchy was the best of all of us. How he died should not reflect what a stallion he was."

"So true." Zugzwang nodded sadly. "Any father would be happy to have a son like him... no offense, Grimoire."

"None taken." Grimoire sighed.

'Zugzwang was a calm, peaceful stallion. He seemed the most mild-mannered of us all. So much so that the first time we met, I could hardly believe he was one of us. His father, while not overtly vicious, could be remarkably cold and ruthless when he wanted to be. Zugzwang seemed like his total opposite, to the point where some of us believed he was adopted. His family owns plantations in Hindia, where they grow illegal substances and fruits. But they were infamous for doing experiments on animals in their ‘labs’ and selling them on the market. Rumors of deaths regarding them followed soon after.'

"Meela kuro darra." Kong declared. "Shewur ganga falla."

"Master Kong considered it an honor and a privilege to know young master Anarchy." The interpretor announced.

"So, how are you holding up, Grim?" Zebediah asked.

"Fine." Grimoire frowned. "Can we please just talk about something else?"

"Fair enough." Zebediah nodded. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, brother, I’m your stallion.”

"Back off, stripes." Crowe growled. "If Grimoire needs an ear piercing, or some voodoo brew, he'll let you know."

'Crowe was very prejudiced against Zebras. Not as a ‘Unicorn Supremacist’ kind of guy (he even detests those guys), but rather a racist thing, thinking they were "poor excuses for equines". However, he seemed to have a soft spot for the females of the species, leaving haunting questions as to what he would do to female zebras.'

“Easy, Crowe.” Grimm held up a hoof, as he turned to Zebediah. “Thanks, Zeb, but I’m fine, really.”

“Okay. If you say so.” Zebediah frowned, casting a glare at Crowe.

“So, how are things back home?" Crowe asked Grimoire. "I'm guessing since you're here, your dad has made you his new heir?"

"Yes." Grimoire sighed. "It'll be me who takes the reins of the Napoleon family after he passes on."

"Too bad for them." Kamikaze sneered.

"Excuse me?" Grimoire growled.

"If you're the future of the Napoleon family, the Bitalian mafia is all but finished." Kamikaze taunted him, “Anarchy was a true stallion. You’re just a measly bookwork.”

"Don't be sure." Grimoire snarled. "I'm not exactly in love with being in charge, but I'm going to give it my all. That of much I am certain!"

"Which isn't saying much." Kamikaze snickered.

"That's enough, Kami." Crowe declared.

"Yes, remember what this meeting is about: peaceful co-existence." Zugzwang added.

"Whatever." Kamikaze growled. "If you ask me, all this is just a waste of time. When I take over from my father, I won't need any help to do my job."

"We'll just see about that." Zebediah said contemptuously.

"Yeah, we will." Kamikaze boasted. "I'll be the best crime boss around, and you'll all be nothing but scum compared to me."

"Gerra sku rubus wata." Kong said contemptuously.

"Master Kong believes you dishonor both yourself and your father with such talk." The interpretor told Kamikaze.

"Oh, yeah?" Kamikaze sneered, glaring at Kong. "Say that to my face, tubby."

"Gerra sku rubus wata." Kong said slowly, leaning into Kamikaze's face.

"Those are fightin' words!" Kamikaze snarled, putting up his dukes.

Kong raised his own hooves. The two circled each other, ready to fight...

"Enough!" Grimoire yelled. "You know, it's times like this that remind why I don't like hanging out with you guys."

"Hey, what did I do?" Zebediah frowned.

"Grimoire has a point." Zugzwang admitted. "It's hard for a stallion such as myself to consort with brutes like you."

"Oh, you want some of this?" Kamikaze growled. "Get in line behind chunky, and I'll get to you in a second."

"Nopony is fighting anypony!" Grimoire yelled. "Apart from anything else, I doubt our fathers would approve."

Kamikaze lowered his hooves. For all his arrogance, he had no intention of dishonoring his father.

"Let's just try to get through this." Crowe sighed. "Then we can all go home, and not have to see each other till the next meeting. Sound good?"

"You better believe it." Kamikaze scowled.

"Nice work." Grimoire told Crowe.

"Hey, I was just building off what you said." Crowe smiled. "I don't know how I could handle dealing with these guys without you."

"No problem." Grimoire smiled. "You being here makes this whole experience a lot more bearable. It's nice to know there's one like-minded, trustworthy stallion around here."

"Ditto." Crowe grinned. "You're a good egg, Grim. And I'm looking forward to the day when we can work together as fellow dons."

"Me too." Grimoire said respectfully.

'Believe it or not, that was actually quite standard for our encounters. But we all sucked it up and endured. Over time, we matured, and each took the reins of donhood. Despite how much we brought the worst out in each other, we continue to meet, and all animosity seem to had faded away, because like it or not, we needed each other if we were going to continue with our ‘businesses’. However, what follows is the story of our most recent meeting, one which carried many shocking revelations, in a chapter I call...'

Chapter Thirteen: Dons To Dons

'Some time before the ‘Crystal Sun’ incident, I and my brothers were preparing our mansion in Bitaly for the arrivals of the other dons, as it was once again our turn to host the meeting. Our preparations ranged from simple cleaning up, and specially made catering (such as Chineighse dumplings for Kong (and lots of them), Japonese sweet potatoes for Kamikaze, and even Hindian lentils and chickpeas), to a magical shield spell we were planning to put in place once everypony had arrived, preventing anypony from entering or leaving. That was Caboose's contribution; He had rented the spell from a friend in Canterlot, and had agreed to act as extra security, just in case. However, there was one thing we hadn't prepared for: Our significant others. We had insisted that they leave before the meeting, not wanting to expose them to the cream of criminals, but they had other ideas...'

Outside the mansion, the brothers were working in tandem, pooling their magical energies to enact the shield spell.

“Are you sure this shield spell is going to keep everything in and out?” Slot asked, as his horn glowed brightly.

“Hey, let’s give Caboose the benefit of the doubt. We were lucky that Caboose managed to convince Princess Twilight to give us this spell. He says that it is a copy of Shining Armor’s own shield spell.” Lars explained.

“Yeah, too bad ‘Boose couldn’t make it today.” Salt sighed.

“Well, his daughter is trying to get into the Junior Royal Guards program and he wants to support her.” Murray shrugged.

"Like father, like daughter, huh?" Sonny smiled.

"Focus, guys." Grimoire declared. "We're almost done."

The brothers' mares emerged.

"Whoa, that is some serious magic." Vinyl noted. "This meeting of yours must be some serious business."

"It is." Vinny nodded. "It's important for us to stay on friendly terms with our fellow mafia groups. Otherwise, we'd all be scrapping over every little thing."

"I never knew there was so much to this organised crime thing." Lyra admitted.

"There certainly is, my dear." Lars smiled.

“Now... are you sure you don’t want to leave?” Murray frowned. “’Cause once this spell touches down, no one will be leaving till the meeting’s over.”

“For the last time, Murray, we’re not going anywhere.” Mayor Mare said firmly.

“But, May…” Murray murmured.

"You heard her." Redheart nodded. "We want to stay."

"Red, babe, I don’t think that’s a good idea." Salt told her. "These guys are the biggest crooks on the planet. And you’re carrying my foal. I don’t want my little champ getting hurt by those criminals..."

"But you are criminals." Berry Punch pointed out.

"Yeah, but... they're not all decent stallions like us!" Vinny protested. "Some of them are downright rotten!"

"And you don't think we can handle that, right?" Bon-Bon frowned.

"None of us are saying that." Sonny assured her.

"They're thinking it, though." Lyra said shrewdly.

"Never, my darling." Lars assured her. "We just don't want you getting hurt if things go south."

"Seriously?" Vinyl sneered. "That old line?"

"Well excuse us for trying to look out for our gals." Slot snorted.

"What about you, Zecora?" Grimoire asked. "Do you want to stay too."

"Of course, my dear." Zecora nodded. "As your wife, my place is here."

"If that's what you want, then I can’t argue with that." Grimoire smiled.

"Can you say 'whipped'?" Slot snorted, earning himself an elbow from Vinyl. "Ow!"

"If Zecora gets to stay, then why can't we?" Vinyl demanded.

"Look, we just don't want you getting tangled up in these matters." Lars declared.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you started dating us." Lyra retorted.

"Lyra's right." Bon-Bon agreed. "You brought us into your lives, and we deserve to be a part of it all."

"You can't be serious-!" Murray started.

"Either you let us attend, or you're sleeping on the couch for a month." May glared at Murray.

"You too, Salt." Redheart added.

“Be reasonable, woman!” Salt sputtered.

"Vinny, if you even try to keep me out of this, I'll toss out every last bottle of wine we have." Berry added coldly.

“You wouldn’t dare…” Vinny whispered just as coldly.

The brothers looked at each other.

"Okay, fine." Salt sighed. "You can stay."

"Now that's more like it." Redheart grinned.

"But you're going to need to know how to deal with our guests." Murray declared.

"I think I have some rap sheets I can show you, so you can become familiarized." Lars nodded.

"Thank you." Lyra smiled. "It's nice to know you have faith in us."

After the brothers finished the shield spell, they and their mares went over to the parlour, where the mares were handed folders containing information on their guests.

"So, what should we know about our guests?" Bon-Bon asked.

"For starters, you should be wary of Zebediah." Sonny declared. "The guy's pulled off stuff like extortion, forgery, embezzling... he even once had a stallion literally torn limb from limb by tying his legs to four carriages and having them go off in different directions. He’s not a bad guy per se, but he has this thing for backstabbing... so, watch your back."

"To be fair, he only stabs you in the back when he needs to." Grimoire declared. "most of the time, he's okay to be around... just don't take him lightly."

"Next, there’s that fat pony Kong." Slot added. "He once robbed every bank in Chineigh in the same month, he's dealt in illegal exports, and he's had some... questionable encounters with mares over the years. He’s not a bad guy either, but he is a class A perv. Whatever you do, don’t raise your tail in front of him. He will be on you and most likely crush your spine."

"Eurgh..." May grimaced.

"Sounds like a real charmer..." Redheart cringed.

All the mares pressed their tails against their hindquarters.

"And Kamikaze is a total jerk." Vinny scowled. "He thinks he's so great. He's sliced up quite a few enemies with that katana of his, not to mention hijacked all sorts of boats and carriages. But on the upside, he got sent to prison after trying to kill the Emperor's son for a couple of years and... let’s say he got acquainted with one big stallion in the showers."

"Ugh, really?" Berry grimaced.

"Oh, yeah." Salt grinned. "If you want him to shut up, just say 'prison'. That'll put a lid on his big mouth."

“And make his butt clench too.” Vinny added with glee.

“What about…” Mayor glanced at Zugzwang’s file. “Zugzwang?”

“Oh, he’s a quiet sort.” Lars explained. “His crimes are nothing you ladies haven’t seen from us, but he has been doing some stuff with animals back home... It's probably nothing serious, though.”

“Of that I sincerely hope.” Zecora frowned, “If not, then fetch my rope.”

“Hey, hey, hey, none of that.” Murray scolded, “These guys don’t take kindly to being threatened, especially by mares.”

"Is that so?" Bon-Bon asked.

"Yeah." Sot said darkly. "That guy Zebediah had torn in four? Zebediah killed him because he made a crack about his mother."

"A slight overreaction, perhaps?" Berry deadpanned.

"Maybe, but it's probably best to not annoy them." Vinny shrugged. "Believe it or not, what Zeb did was pretty tame compared to what Crowe and Kamikaze are capable of."

“What about this bald guy?” Vinyl pointed to a picture from Crowe’s file.

“That’s Crowe Darkside.” Grimiore declared. “He may seem intimidating, but he is an okay guy...”

“Okay?” May repeated as she read his file, “Kidnapping, torture, dismemberment... Goodness gracious, where do you find these ponies?”

“That’s Crowe for you.” Grimm shrugs, “He is not evil, but he does take things to the extreme... a lot. Just don’t make him angry.”

"That seems to be the recurring theme here, doesn't it?" Lyra declared.

"Hey, you had your chance to bolt." Slot pointed out. "You chose to stay, and now you gotta deal with this."

"Study these folders well, ladies.” Lars advised. “If things get tense, you could always bring up some of their best crimes in an attempt to placate them. If that doesn’t work, hit the deck and pray that none of the blood that flies is yours."

"I doubt it'll come to that." May shrugged, a little perturbed by Lars’ advice. "After all, it's just a meeting. I've been to plenty myself. What could go wrong?"

'My brothers and I shared worried looks. We knew precisely what could go wrong, and couldn't help but worry about our loved ones being caught in the crossfire.'

Not long after, the guests arrived. Crowe looked about the same, except for being more muscular, and with his head naturally bald, rather than shaved, and was wearing a hunter’s vest. At his side was a holster holding a sheathed katana. Kong had gone from being chubby to grotesquely obese, his bloated stomach almost scraping the floor. He also had a new interpreter (as they were often killed and replaced), this one being a stout Pegasus with a moss green coat, a pale green mane, brown eyes, and a megaphone Cutie Mark. Zebediah had grown a bushy beard and had muscles as zebra stallions are known for. Zugzwang didn't appear to have changed much, save for a small scar on his right cheek. Kamikaze, on the other hoof, had several scars; some were souvenirs from his time in prison, while others were the product of swordfights. Flanking him were two bodyguards.

"Hello, everypony." Grimoire stepped forward to greet them. "I trust you're all well?"

"I'm very well, Grimoire." Zugzwang smiled. "Thanks for asking."

"Hey, Grim." Crowe grinned, patting Grimoire on the shoulder. "Nice to see you again. You’re looking as good as ever."

"You too, Crowe." Grimoire grinned.

"Hi, guys." Zebediah smiled.

"Zwe peba." Kong remarked.

"Mr Barrel says it is a pleasure to be here." The translator declared.

"That's your opinion." Kamikaze sneered. "Let's get this over with. I have better things to do than hang around this old dump. These 'meetings' have always been a waste of time..."

"Maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself, Kamikaze." Zugzwang scowled. "All these years, and you're still such a foal..."

"Watch it, feathers." Kamikaze growled. "Or I'll clip those wings of yours."

"Easy, guys." Zebediah smirked. "The meeting hasn't even begun yet."

"About that." Grimoire interjected. "We will be having some... extra attendees this year."

"Like who?" Crowe asked.

“Well, you remember my brothers, right?” Grimiore pointed out.

“You mean the seven stool pigeons.” Kamikaze snorted, looking oneach of them in turn. “Smarmy, punchy, drinky, chatty, bakey, grouchy, and...” He suddenly frowned. “That last one isn’t going to be here, is he?”

“No. He has other matters to attend to overseas.” Grimiore explained, refraining from scowling at the insult towards his brothers. “Murray and the others will be here though. Them... and the others.”

"Tsa tsa mika?" Kong frowned.

“Others?” The translator asked.

“Special guests, whom I will soon be introducing you to. Please, follow me to the dining room." Grimiore declared.

The collection of dons followed Grimoire to the dining room. Upon entering, they were surprised by the number of mares in the room.

"Whoa, what's with all the ladies?" Crowe asked.

"Toki glu srev." Kong smirked.

“Master Barrel wished that you had told him that we were going to have mares to service us this meeting, otherwise he would have had the interpreter clean... his...” The translator frowned. “Well, you know.”

"Excuse me?!" May growled

“May, we told you about Kong.” Murray whispered.

"Not exactly." Grimoire shook his head. "I would like you all to meet our significant others. This is May R. Mare, Murray's wife..."

"Hello." May said stiffly.

"Salt's wife, Redheart..."

"Lovely to meet you." Redheart waved.

"...Lar's wife, Lyra..."

"Hi." Lyra grinned.

"Sonny's wife, Bon-bon..."

"Hey." Bon-Bon gave a small smile.

"...Vinny's marefriend, Berry Punch..."

"How you doing?" Berry asked.

"Slot's marefriend, Vinyl Scratch..."

"Yo." Vinyl nodded.

"...And of course, my wife, Zecora." Grimoire finished.

"Welcome to my beau’s home." Zecora declared. "I hope it was not too far to roam."

"Well, well." Crowe smirked, looking Zecora up and down. "Grim, you dog. Nice catch! There's nothing more exotic than a striped mare..."

"Funny how you don't feel that way about a striped stallion..." Zebediah frowned.

"Zip it, you monochrome moron." Crowe growled, as he instantly pulled out his katana and pointing at him, much to Zebediah’s (and everypony else’s) shock. “Or else I cut your mouth off.”

“Put that thing away, Crowe.” Zugzwang batted it down, “Must you bring that thing everywhere with you?”

"Actually, yeah." Crowe smirked. "I got this on a trip to Tailand. An old pal of my dad's gave it to me, said it was just what a powerful stallion like me needs."

"That is one sweet blade." Slot whistled appreciatively.

"Don't you have like, a dozen of your own?" Vinyl rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but not like that." Slot retorted. "Look at that craftsponyship. You're a lucky guy, Crowe."

"I know." Crowe smirked, sheathing the katana, before turning back to Zecora. "It’s a pleasure, ma'am. Truly."

"Really? So the rumor about you guys going down to this ‘Ponyville’ to get mares were true. This is what you've been doing? Bucking your ‘backwoods’ mares?" Kamikaze sneered.

"'Backwoods'?" May growled.

"Watch it, pal!" Murray spat. "That's my wife you're talking about!"

"Hey, I thought you had a sense of humor." Kamikaze smirked. "After all... you married her!"

"Why, you..." Murray growled.

"It's okay, dear." May eased him. "If Mr. Kawai says anything of the like again, I'll just use my connections to have him thrown in jail."

"You wouldn't dare..." The smirk dropped from Kamikaze's face.

"Try me." May taunted him.

"Okay, that's enough." Grimoire said firmly. "Let's start the dinner, shall we?"

"Sounds good to me." Zugzwang smiled.

"I'm starved." Crowe grinned.

"Jerin na sarfik." Kong declared.

"Mr Barrel says he is feeling a little peckish." The translator announced.

"I could eat." Zebediah smiled.

The guests took their places, and the food was brought in by the servants. However, the mares were perturbed by Kong’s disturbing glance.

"Braw kra sala." Kong leered. "Sie pala Scratch."

"Master Barrel thinks you are all very lovely." The translator announced, as Kong leered at them. "Especially Ms. Scratch."

"Er, thanks..." Vinyl grimaced.

"Keep your eyes to yourself, pal." Slot growled. "She's mine."

"Speaking of lovely mares, how's that daughter of yours, Grim?" Zebediah asked.

"She's doing quite well, actually." Grimoire declared. "Still happily married, and raising those two colts of hers."

"Oh, yeah..." Crowe mused. "I forgot she went and married a Prince. Lucky her..."

"Not that lucky." Kamikaze sneered. "I hear that guy's a prissy little wuss. Then again, I guess the mares in her family have bad taste in stallions."

"Don't even think about bringing Sandy into this." Grimoire glared at Kamikaze.

"Still a little sensitive about that?" Kamikaze sneered. "What does wifey number two think about that?"

"Knock it off, Kami." Zebediah groaned. "I swear, every word out of your mouth seems to be an insult..."

"No big deal." Salt shrugged. "We all know Kami's not as high and mighty as he wants us to think he is."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kamikaze growled.

"He means we never wound up in jail." Vinny sneered. "How were the showers in there, by the way?"

"You little..." Kamikaze snarled.

"Let's move on to business, shall we?" Sonny asked.

“Quite right, Sonny.” Grimiore nodded. “As you may know, we had been suffering some setbacks with the Red Hoof Gang. We lost a few men and some of the operations cap-sized.”

"That is why we propose that you would allow us to make some small expansions into your territory." Lars continued.

"Hmm, I'm not so sure..." Crowe frowned. "Things are pretty hard in Russiaddle at the moment. The cops are tightening their dragnets. My boys have had some close calls..."

"I can sympathize with that." Grimoire nodded.

"Well, you're not having any of my territory." Kamikaze frowned. "I worked hard to gain control over Japony's criminal element, and I'm not giving up any of it!"

"I think I might have some small pieces of territory I could let you have." Zebediah offered.

"Lemme guess: places you've been having trouble with?" Murray frowned. "We're not stupid, Zeb. You probably just want us there so the cops or some rival gang can take us on, and you can sneak in from behind and take it all yourself."

"I am shocked that you think that!" Zebediah gasped dramatically. "I offer to help, and this is the thanks I get? I may betray you guys sometimes, but that doesn’t mean everything I do is a ploy to backstab you!"

“Well, forgive us for thinking that, given how you hung us out to dry back in Marerakech.” Salt crossed his hooves petulantly. "When the cops showed up, you jumped out of the window, and left us holding the bag... which was full of counterfeit antiques, remember?"

“...Fair point.” Zebediah pouted.

"Seeva farris cawa bara wigo." Kong declared.

"Mr Barrel wishes me to inform you that he may have one or two locations in the south he may be willing to share." The translator announced.

"Well, it's good to see somepony is being charitable." Sonny smiled.

"And all he asks for in return is a kiss from your mare." The translator added, then Kong gave another babble. "Possibly a massage, too." Another babble, “And something about job regarding blowing stuff up?” He glanced at his employer, “Did I hear that right, sir?” Kong babbled again, pointing downwards at his back legs, “Oh…”

"Oh, you did not just ask that!" Bon-Bon yelled.

"Yeah, no dice!" Sonny added, “My girl's not going anywhere near you, you vile slob!"

"Vama." Kong snorted.

"Suit yourselves." The translator translated.

"Funny how it’s always you guys who ask to expand." Kamikaze sneered.

"Always?" Slot growled. "You're the one who kept asking us to let you take some territories a while back."

"I had to recoup my losses after my time in... you know." Kamikaze frowned. "What's your excuse?"

"We've been taking in more members recently." Vinny shrugged. "We need more operations to pay their wages."

"That is how businesses work, after all." Berry added. "And you call yourself a crime boss."

“If you guys are hard-pressed for money, why don’t you go to your daughter’s boy-toy?” Kamikaze pointed out. “Surely you can ‘convince’ him to give you access to the treasury.”

“He does have a point,” Zugzwang said. “Better yet, you could easily move some of your operations to Equestria and use his status to make yourselves untouchable.”

“Yeah, he gets it!” Kamikaze gestured to him. “You guys are sitting on a golden egg, yet you're letting it go rotten! Why don’t you take advantage of ol’ ‘Blueballs’?”

“Because ‘Blueballs’ is my son-in-law, my daughter’s husband, and father to my grandfoals.” Grimiore glared. “I have grown to love him as my own flesh and blood, and our father raised us all to never use our flesh and blood for our personal gain.”

"No offense Grim, but that's kinda lame." Zebediah frowned. "If it were me, I'd use every advantage I could get."

"Well, none of us are you, aren't we?" Murray glared. "We wouldn't sell our own mother just to get ahead."

"That's just a wild rumor!" Zebediah protested. "...And besides, it was a trade, not a sell."

"If you're so desperate for territory, why don't you just expand into Zebrica?" Zugzwang suggested. "I hear you went into that no-pony's-land before, on vacation, no less."

"Watch what you speak." Zecora growled. "The name of my home, you do leak."

“The lady’s right.” Crowe huffed, “I thought we agreed that Zebrica was off-limits. We may run operations there...”

“But we don’t set up shop there.” Zebediah finished. “It’s bad juju.”

"'Juju'?" Lars snorted. "Of all the ridiculous..."

"They've got a point. I mean, the place isn't exactly peaceful." Salt remarked. "On our 'vacation', we almost got ourselves killed by some thing called the 'Multi-faced Death'. Took a lot of doing before we finally punched that freaky chimera's card."

“Multi-faced Death?” Zugzwang frowned. “What on-“ His mouth went agape. “You! You are the ones who killed Fluffykins! The others called me insane, but I knew that cannon-ball shaped wound look like Caboose’s work!”

Everypony else gaped at him.

"That abomination had a name?!" Lars spluttered.

"Ah, yeah, who you think helped engineered that thing?!" Zugzwang declared.

"You helped make that monstrosity?" Grimoire gasped.

"I certainly did." Zugzwang nodded, “Easily one of my greatest works!”

"Guess you forget to put a lock on that thing's cage." Murray declared.

"Actually, we let it out ourselves." Zugzwang shrugged.

"You what?!" Sonny gasped.

"Why in Equestria would you do such a thing?" Redheart asked.

"We set him off into the wild to study how a home-made chimera would fare being in a different environment." Zugzwang revealed. "All in the name of science, you see?"

“Zugzwang... that thing killed a bunch of innocent zebras!” Grimiore growled.

“You…you killed Zou…” Zecora murmured.

"Zeggy hoo-ah, dajo?" Kong asked.

“What is wrong with the sexy zebra lady?” The translator asked in translation.

“You... killed... Zou...” Zecora turned to face Zugzwang.

“What are you talking about?” Zugzwang frowned.

Suddenly, Zecora stood up from her seat, her face flushed with fury.

"You killed Zou!" Zecora yelled, outraged. "That creature had murdered my first husband, Zou, and now I see the fault for that lies with you!"

“Whoa, keep your lady reined, Grimiore!” Kamikaze held up his hooves.

"Calm down, dear." Grimoire tried to sooth his wife. "We'll sort this out, but we have to keep our heads to do it."

"I'll try." Zecora seethed, sitting back down. "But if I don't like what I hear, Zugzwang will surely die."

"To be fair, he didn't know that would happen." Crowe admitted. “It was a unfortunate coincidence.”

"Besides, what's the big deal?" Kamikaze sneered. "It was years ago. Get over it!"

"Mr. Barrel feels this has no bearing on our discussion." The translator declared.

"Says you." Zebediah said, sparking with righteous fury. "My ancestors hailed from Zebrica. They wouldn't like some jerk setting a monster loose there, and neither do I!"

"It's not my fault Fluffykins ate some random Zebra and tried to kill you and your brothers." Zugzwang told Grimoire. "He was a chimera. That's what they do. If anything, I'm the one who should be angry."

"Excuse me?" Grimoire frowned.

"You killed one of my favorite creations." Zugzwang growled. "It cost thousands of bits to make Fluffykins. Have you no idea how many snakes, goats, and tigers I had to put together till I got one to live?! I think you owe me for that!"

'That was the last straw. It was bad enough that Zugzwang was the one who created the beast that caused my beloved Zecora so much pain, but for him to be so utterly callous about it pushed me over the edge...'

"Owe you?!" Grimoire spat. "Are you insane? You sick, twisted bucker! I knew you were into some vile practices, but I never dreamed it was anything like that!"

"Calm yourself-" Zugzwang started.

"Not a chance!" Grimoire spat. "You ruined my wife's life! Took her first husband from her, just for the sake of scientific curiosity! You're lucky I don't kill you right now!"

“Hey, consider yourself lucky.” Zugzwang frowned. “You got the girl, didn’t you?”

“That is aside the point!” Grimm roared. “Zecora suffered for your actions, and you're going to pay for it!”

"Easy, Grim." Crowe urged. "It's not like Zuggy actually intended for any of that to happen. Cut him some slack."

"You're preaching restraint?" Grimoire snorted. "Seriously, Crowe? I've seen what you do to ponies who cross you. For you to now tell me to ease off on Zugzwang is hypocrisy, plain and simple."

"Wara tra namus." Kong declared.

"Mr Barrel believes that you should be more professional about this, Mr. Napoleon." The translator announced.

"You want professional?" Grimoire rounded on Kong. "How about you learn the language of the ponies you've working with? Or are you two busy with all the call girls and the ladies in your harem, you perverted slob!"

Kong's jaw dropped. He let out a stream of chatter in not babble, but rather intelligible Chineighse.

"I choose not to translate that." The translator cringed.

"And talking of unprofessional..." Grimoire glared at Zebediah.

"Hey, I'm on your side here!" Zebediah protested.

"Are you ever on anypony's side?" Grimoire sneered. "No, you're not. You always put yourself first, even if it means backstabbing everypony around you!"

"Oh, this is getting fun." Kamikaze smirked. "And I thought this was going to be a yawn-fest..."

"And you, Kamikaze." Grimoire spat. "Always so smug, so arrogant, so sure you're better than the rest of us. Well, the rest of us didn't run afoul of some brute in a prison shower! You're the last pony who should be talking down to anypony."

"Okay, that's it!" Kamikaze signaled to his bodyguards, who both pulled out crossbows.

In a flash, everypony (except the mares) pulled out crossbows and all sorts of ranged weapons from the under the table and pointed them at each other. Even the servants got in on it, pulling out crossbows and slingshots from out of drawers, vases, and even behind portraits. In the distance, some snipers pointed their crossbows into the windows.

"You guys really wanna do this?" Murray growled.

"You started it." Kamikaze spat.

"And we can finish it, too." Slot snarled.

"Suddenly, I'm regretting being here..." May gulped.

"You and the rest of us girls..." Lyra grimaced.

"Everypony please calm down!" Redheart urged.

"Sorry, babe." Salt said resolutely. "We can't stand for weapons being pointed at us."

"Am I supposed to be afraid here?" Kamikaze sneered. "From what I've heard today, it sounds to me like Grim's getting soft."

"Seballa kon toji." Kong announced.

"Mr Barrel says Mr Kawai has a point." The translator declared.

"Whether or not I'm going soft isn't the issue here." Grimoire snarled. "Zugzwang has committed a terrible crime against a member of my family, and by condoning what he's done, you have insulted us also."

"Well, you insulted us, too." Zebedia growled.

"Ten years ago, you would have never threatened me like that." Zugzwang declared. "Perhaps it's time to dissolve our little alliance."

"Maybe it is." Grimoire agreed, levelling his crossbow at him.

"Come on Grim, don't do this." Crowe urged. "Don't let everything our dads worked for be in vain."

"I'm not the one letting this happen." Grimoire said quietly. "I thought you were my friend, an ally I could count on to provide support, but you're not being very supportive right now."

"Friendship is one thing, but this is business." Crowe sighed. "I won't like it, but I'll do what I need to if it means getting out of here in one piece."

For a moment, everything was tense. Every mafia pony there was pointing a weapon at the other. It looked like a blood bath in the making.

The dining room's doors suddenly opened to reveal Caboose, clad in Royal Guard armor.

"Why can't we all get along?!" Caboose asked in dramatic and comedic fashion.

The visiting dons lowered their weapons in shock.

"Caboose?!" Crowe gasped. "What is he doing here?"

"Arash deva salla." Kong said nervously.

“Kong thought it was said in the letter that Caboose would not be attending.” The translator declared.

“Oh, man, I was so hoping not having to see this guy again.” Zebediah whimpered, stepping back a bit.”

"Oh buck no, not him..." Zugzwang quivered. "Anypony but him!"

'The dons had had run-ins with Caboose, and by extension O'Malley, over the years. Some had been on the receiving end of his wrath, others had merely witnessed it. But none of them wanted to experience it again. Even Crowe was discomforted by O’Malley’s existence. Of course, they didn't know that O'Malley was long gone by that point...'

"Why are you here, Caboose?" Murray asked. "I thought you were helping Hurricane with the Junior Guardspony trials?"

"Oh, she aced those." Caboose said proudly. "In record time."

"No way!" Sonny smiled. "Congrats!"

"Thanks." Caboose smiled.

"So why did you come here?" Salt asked.

"I figured you guys might need a little help with the meeting." Caboose glanced around. “And by the look of things, I got here in time.” He smiled, as he turned to Kamikaze. “Hey, Kamicrazy, how you been?”

“You stay the buck away for me!” Kamikaze pointed a crossbow at him, “I heard about you and how you joined the dark side! I don’t want to go back to prison! And I don’t want to take a shower there!”

“Whoa, easy, buddy, I’m not going to arrest you.” Caboose grinned, “And showers are not that bad. They save you lots of water.”

Kamikaze stuttered to make a response, but couldn’t get any word out.

“Now... why are we all threatening to kill each other?” Caboose asked.

"Basically, we found out that Zugzwang made the monster that killed Zecora's first husband, and caused us all that trouble in Zebrica a while back." Grimoire declared. "And none of these unfeeling jerks seem to care."

"Things sort of... escalated from there." Lars admitted. "Insults were flying fast and hard, and now we're all pointing weapons at each other."

“Oh... is that all?” Caboose frowned.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zebediah asked.

“Seriously, guys, this happens every meeting.” Caboose sighed. “You guys always start out civil, all nice to each other and stuff, well except Kamikaze, ‘cause he’s a prick.”

“On that we all agree.” Salt declared. Everypony (except the pony in question) nodded in agreement.

“Oh, buck you guys.” Kamikaze frowned.

“Everything goes smoothly till we get to the matter of business, and some mean words are dropped, and then everypony's up in arms.” Caboose explained.

“Now that you mention it, Caboose does have a point.” Zugzwang admitted.

"Ooka maga callor." Kong declared.

"Mr Barrel does think there is a pattern to these proceedings." The translator remarked.

“Yeah. I still remember that time Crowe lopped off one of Kamikaze’s bodyguard’s hoof with that katana of his?” Zebediah shuddered.

“I was aiming for his head.” Crowe deadpanned.

“Are we really that predictable?” Kamikaze asked.

“Ah-huh.” Caboose nodded. “The translator is lucky to have made it this far.”

“What do you mean by that?” The translator asked, fear in his voice.

“I mean, at this time, the translator always dies. Why you think Kong gets a new one every so often? In fact...” Caboose pointed to a stain on the roof. “There’s still remains of the last translator who accompanied Kong here.”

“Oh yeah... I was wondering what that was.” Crowe mused.

“I wasn’t.” Vinyl frowned.

“This isn’t true, sir, is it?” The translator turned to Kong, desperate for an answer.

Kong paused... only to give a shrug. “Meh.”

“Oh Faust...” The translator shuddered.

"Look, the thing is, no matter how many times we have this stand-off, everypony always make up in the end." Caboose smiled. "Come on, guys. We're all friends here, or at least frenemies I think. Let's just put away our weapons and hug it out."

The dons paused for a moment... before Crowe chuckled.

"Well, look at you, all grown up and makin’ sense. I can’t argue with logic like that." Crowe chuckled, as he put down his crossbow.

"You think we'd learn by now..." Zebediah sighed.

Kong put down his weapon. “Bala tero gunba syta.”

"Mr. Barrel wishes to apologise for his reprehensible behavior." The translator told Sonny.

"Fair enough." Sonny shrugged. "Just don't let it happen again."

"As long as nopony sends me to jail, I'm good." Kamikaze said petulantly.

"I suppose I may have gone too far in my work..." Zugzwang admitted. "Grimoire, I apologize for any undue pain I caused you and your wife."

"I'm afraid an apology is insufficient." Grimoire said coldly. "Not after what you did."

"My beloved Zou was killed by your 'pet'." Zecora growled. "I shall never forgive, nor forget."

"With all due respect, what more do you want from me?" Zugzwang asked indignantly. "Not to be blunt, but what's done is done. None of us can turn back the clock, you know."

"We're all aware of that." Grimoire growled. "All the same, I don't think I can work with you any more. Consider our alliance with the Hindian mafia terminated."

"Grim, don't!" Zgzwang begged. "Surely we can work things-"

Zugzwang was cut off as suddenly, Caboose had slipped behind him and slammed his face into the table.

"OW!" Zugzwang yelled, clutching his face. “What the bu-”

Cuffs were then slapped onto the hooves cupping his bloody snout, as Caboose then declared.

"Zugzwang Marwari, I am placing you under arrest for illegal experimentation, reckless public endangerment, and growing a buttload of that pyrite peyote stuff... and your mane sucks."

“What?! You can’t do that!” Zugzwang gaped.

"I thought this meeting was supposed to be neutral!" Zebediah gaped.

"And besides, he doesn't have the right to just arrest somepony!" Crowe added.

“Well, technically he can. He does serve Celestia as a Guard, and those who work with the princess gets jurisdiction almost everywhere.” Grimiore explained.

“And we do have enough evidence to put you away for a long time.” Murray glared.

“But why would you do this?!” Zugzwang struggled against his cuffs. “Come on, Grim, we’re pals!”

“I’m sorry, Zug, but you went too far this time.” Grimiore declared. “It is one thing to do experiments and stuff, but to sic them on innocent ponies? That is just sick.”

“But Crowe does-” Zugzwang stammered.

“Only to meet an end.” Crowe growled. “My methods may not justify the means, but at least I have a good reason.”

"This... this is an outrage!" Zugzwang roared. “This will never hold up in court!”

"Tell it to the judge, pal." Caboose growled, as he dragged Zugzwang out of the room. “Princess Celestia will pick you apart like... like... something you would pick apart...”

“Come on, guys, help me!” Zugzwang called out to the other dons.

“Sorry, pal, you’re on your own.” Crowe slouched back.

"Gawa stura." Kong turned away.

"Mr Barrel never liked you, Mr Marwari." The translator declared.

"For once, I'm with Grimoire." Kamikaze shrugged. "I hope you enjoy prison as much as I did."

"I'd help you, but I don't really see what's in it for me." Zebediah shrugged. "And besides, your little pet terrorised my ancestral homeland, so I wouldn't help you even if there was a profit in it."

“No! NO!” Zugzwang screamed as he is dragged out of the room.

"Looks like there's some territory opening up after all." Murray declared, “With Zugzwang gone, by rule of mafiadom, his land is fair gain.”

"Which we'll all be splitting up amongst ourselves." Grimoire declared. "As allies and friends do."

"Now that's the spirit." Crowe grinned. "As long as you're around, Grim, I have a feeling the Bitalian Mafia will do just fine."

"As long as we have fine allies like you, we will." Grimoire smiled back.

'We managed to negotiate quite a fair trade in territories that day, among other things. Zecora had gained some unexpected closure over her past, and the rest of our significant others had gained a valuable insight into our business. Oddly enough, they didn't ask to sit in on our other meetings so much after that day..... but there was a small tragedy.'

Once the meeting drew to a close, the shield was shut off. As the dons made their way back to their carriages, Kong and his translator were last in line.

"I must admit, after what Caboose said, I was worried." The translator admitted. "I thought I was going to end up dead... but here I am, still ali-"

A safe suddenly dropped on the translator, killing him instantly.

"Gawa?" Kong looked up. A group of Pegasi floated above, looking sheepish.

"Sorry about that." The ringleader cringed. "We were delivering a new safe for Grimoire, when it... slipped."

"Good thing we're insured." One of his employees declared.

"Vep xeta..." Kong sighed. Roughly translated, it meant "Not again."

'Kong really did have the worst luck when it came to translators. But the meeting turned out okay for most of us, and the territory we gained from the deposed Zugzwang only helped strengthen our alliance. Suffice to say, it wasn't a day any of us would soon forget, and I doubt you will, too...'

Comments

[HolyCross9]

Hey, isn't this the same Kamikaze that held the page of Wrath a few stories back?

[Bluecatcinema]

6041021 Not really. The guy with the Wrath page was called "Rancour."

[HolyCross9]

6041440 Okay. Also, Kong reminds me of Jaba the Hut from Star Wars, especially since he's extremely rotund, has a perverse tendency toward liking beautiful mares, and keeps getting his translators killed or "disentegrated." After all, in Return of the Jedi, Jaba had a bad habit of disposing of his previous translators.

[danick]

Kamikaze kinda reminds me of Simon Blackquill from Ace attorney dual destinies

[Ebony Stallion]

6041894 Actually, the translator bit was based of Team America World Police, where Kim Jong Il had his translator killed because of a 'misunderstanding'. But I seriously didn't know about Jaba and his translators. You learn something new every day.

[HolyCross9]

6042829 You're never even seen any of the Star Wars films?

[Ebony Stallion]

6044408 Only IV, the first one. The rest I watched the Family Guy parody of.

[zugzwang12]

Wait a second Zugzwang, thats my name!! Anyway really enjoyed the chapter ( is Barrel your version of Jabba the Hutt? ) I like how you made a reference to Zecora's first husband Zou and made a connection with Zugzwang's experiments.

[Ebony Stallion]

6044776 Sorry, it was a total coincidence, and yes, Barrel was made with Jabba in mind.

[zugzwang12]

6041440
Hey when is the next chapter commin' I'm addicted to this story!!!! The great writing, great conflict, great characters make this story a work of art hope to read more of it

[Bluecatcinema]

6049110 It'll be up this weekend.

[Ebony Stallion]

6049110 Yeah, we update this story once a week, in the weekend, given that there's no interference and stuff.

[zugzwang12]

6049450
Okie dokie