1 - Memento
Ponyville was dead and alive at the same time.
Hundreds gathered in the center square, carrying out hushed conversations under the glow of the moon above them. Dozens more filed in through a long line that stretched to the castle at the edge of town where a ring of flowers grew with each addition.
The fields to the south remained unplowed, unfinished dresses still lay draped across their mannequins, and a few clouds were unaccounted for in the sky.
Six individuals looked across the crowd from the top of the hill. They stood silent, stalwart, like shepherds watching over their flock. They draped hooves over each other’s withers with each new set of attendees that appeared.
Every so often, a few ponies came up to them to introduce themselves and share their own personal stories. Aside from the occasional question, the six remained silent throughout, content to listen. After everything was said and done, they offered their gratitude for sharing and showing up.
But even as the gathering drew on, their energy slowly dwindled until, after an entire evening of holding it in, they broke down and descended into a cacophony of wails and sobs. Like a cascade, the rest of the attendees surrendered, and soon the entire town was caught in a bitter uproar.
Eventually, once all the weeping died down, one of them produced a candle. A single lick of his fiery breath lit it ablaze, and it glowed softly against the night. He raised it into the air, allowing all to see it from every direction.
In an almost immediate response, his five companions, each as distinct as the next, raised their own flames skyward.
The crowd took it as a sign, and most of them produced candles for themselves. Scores of flames, some lit by match and others donated by other already-lit candles, flickered into life and then were raised toward the night sky. Not one single pony made a sound.
In the darkness of the night, the city of Canterlot also produced a red glow. A singular red dot appeared at the front of the mountain. The light off the moon, on an equal queue, intensified, bathing the entire land in a sheet of white. In the distance, several rainbows shot into the sky from an airborne location. And, from the far north, a river of ethereal lights coalesced forth from beyond the horizon and danced through the sky.
Several similar displays, silent voices shouting in unison, rose up throughout the rest of the magical land of Equestria.
While only a couple hundred had been admitted into the hall, one glance into the sprawling square outside revealed thousands more, packed together so well that one would be hard-pressed to find any inch of grass unclaimed. The proceedings spilled into several of Canterlot’s side streets and then some.
It was high noon, yet the sun and moon sat on opposing horizons. The lights produced by both melted together into an orangish-bluish glow. Several stars, brighter than usual, dotted the sky. Not one single attendee complained about the change in sky; most found it fitting, in fact.
Sunset Shimmer’s eyes drifted around the room which she knew could fit an entire house and have room to spare. Several spiraling pillars held the high ceiling above them. Light flooded in through several equally tall windows spanning most sides of the room, assisted by several fresh candles on the walls.
The regal hymn of the organ, charting a song full of somber notes and sweeping movements, filled the hall.
Craning her neck to look around, Sunset tried to scout out some of the other attendees. She spotted a blue-hued and haughty-looking unicorn wringing the life out of a lavender magician’s hat in the opposite row. A wall-eyed pegasus nearby held her half-asleep daughter closely. A trio of fillies huddled together, sharing low whispers that occasionally became shouts. Next to them sat a black-and-white striped equine who was not any sort of pony that Sunset knew of. The equine chanted under her breath as if in prayer. Near them sat a green unicorn who, judging from her reading glasses and the subtle wrinkles near her eyes, was rather experienced. Sunset pegged her as an author.
Grouped together on the side of the aisle opposite hers sat several ponies who all but clung to one another, and it was that which told her who they were. A mare and stallion couple clung to each other, just like they had when they arrived, and she knew there was no way to console them from the way they wailed. The captain of the guard and his alicorn wife took seats next to them, opting for a more silent route. Other ponies surrounded them that, by her guess, had some sort of relation, though Sunset didn’t take the time to pin them down exactly.
On her own side, in the same row as her, sat five ponies that contrasted each other in almost every way. The five of them dragged their hooves against the floor as they glanced determinately at everything around them. Every so often, they would yank at the black neckerchiefs around their necks as if fighting for air.
Their spitting images sat in the row in from of her. Their black attire was much more careful and prudent, making most other ponies look naked by comparison. With each passing minute, their hairs split further (or in one case fell flatter than before), their eyeliner coursed down their faces, and another shade of color drained from their coats. Layers of makeup tried and failed to hide the bags and red swells under and around their eyes. At no point during the entire past hour had they been able to silence themselves.
A small, purple dragon completed—yet contrasted—them. Spike sat at the beginning of the row with his hands perpetually twisted together as he twiddled his claws, as if he was a record that kept playing the same few seconds over and over again. And, while all the other attendees had thrown the occasional string of words, Sunset had not heard his voice since arriving.
A large, empty lavender box sat squarely on the altar. A single picture frame sat atop it, in which the image of Princess Twilight Sparkle grinned happily back at them.
* * *
Sunset shifted upright in her seat when the organ faded out and a hush fell over the room. Her old mentor, Princess Celestia, approached the empty casket.
Every second that she gazed upon her was a twist of the knife; a reminder of what had gone so wrong. She had even told herself that she would sit in the same room as Celestia for the past two days, but she still wasn’t ready.
Principal Celestia, she could deal with. Princess Celestia, she could not.
But, for Twilight’s sake, she pushed her reservations aside and contented herself to listen.
Celestia scanned the scores of wet muzzles looking attentively at her, took one last aside glance at the casket beside her, and then cleared her throat to speak.
“My little ponies,” Celestia said, “I will be brief. I know there are a lot of things to be said today, and there are quite a few of you that will want to share your own words with us.
“First, I am very pleased that so many of you could join us today. Thank you all for coming. It is hard to believe that it has been but three days.”
Celestia’s voice grabbed the entire room; it was gentle and flowing like silk but at the same time radiant and forceful.
“I have known Twilight Sparkle for many many years. When she was but a filly, I took her in as my personal protégé and spent much of her younger years teaching her magic. Since then, I have watched her exceed every expectation set upon her. And many moons ago when I sent her to Ponyville to learn about friendship... I think it is safe to say that everypony here knows how that turned out. Not only did she learn, she made it her own. In fact, she became friendship.”
At that point, she cracked a small grin. “Which worked out very well, I think, because otherwise, I might still be in Tartarus right now.”
Sunset responded with a much-needed chuckle. The audience around her did the same.
Celestia continued, sliding back into her expression from before. “I have watched as she—and her friends—learned many valuable lessons about friendship. I can still vividly recall the letters that she would send to me detailing her exploits… They were a constant joy to read.
“Twilight and her companions have also stopped numerous other foes and beasts on several occasions. And I cannot say this enough, but they also brought my dear sister back to me. I believe... that Twilight has performed several services for Equestria—for all of us. And...”
At that point, Celestia’s smile disappeared from her face. “Just over a week ago, Twilight Sparkle arrived in Canterlot in pursuit of one of her many studies. She arrived to continue her research on those caverns beneath our beloved city, those labyrinthine caverns that have been here longer than this city has.
“But, during her expedition, she found something. She found something that even I had no knowledge of. We don’t even have a name for it. And we do not know what this thing may have done had it escaped from its prison deep within those caverns, but… it must have been terrible...”
Celestia’s voice trailed off well into the distance, allowing silence to invade the room. Her ever-flowing mane seemed to slow down by the tiniest bit, but her solemn expression didn’t change. The only real visible change was the single hoof that glided up to cover her mouth.
Celestia wasn’t.
Sunset spied a small, clear orb fall from behind Celestia’s hair, and then realized it had come from the obscured eye.
Celestia was.
Sunset gnashed her teeth together and then bit down on her hoof.
It wasn’t real.
The rest of the crowd also met Celestia with a small and uncharted chorus of sniffles and wheezes.
The princess of the sun then brought her foreleg and slowly swung it outwards, using it to usher along a long, deep breath.
“And Twilight Sparkle took it upon herself to destroy it,” she said, her voice now much more unsteady.
“Three days ago, almost four, she made her final journey to that wretched place and bested that foul thing. Her farewell letter was found by her most trusted companion, Spike the dragon,” she said, motioning toward him with her hoof, “here in the castle, Spike went on to find… her remains.
“Her only possessions on her at the time of her death were a hooded cloak and a crystal ball. No doubt her tools.”
Celestia hung her head and flapped her wings against her sides. She went silent for long moments as she shook her head. When she looked back up once more to face the crowd, her expression appeared broken.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she bellowed, her booming voice casting a complete silence over the crowd, “sacrificed herself to stop the Nameless! She laid down her life to make sure that it would never bother anypony ever again. She has paid the ultimate price.”
She let out a long sigh. “Even in her last moments, she continued to commit herself to us. Twilight Sparkle thought to save Equestria, just like she has done many times over. And now she is gone for it. But I can promise you all this…” Her tone grew firm. “Even if she is now no longer with us... she will always have a place in Equestria. Now and forever more.”
Celestia stopped once more. She searched about for long, drawn out moments for words that never came. Her lips quivered and her movements were uneven.
Celestia hung her head out of resignation and stepped off the platform. She retreated to the side and took a seat next to her sister, a dark blue alicorn who appeared only a little less eternal than her elder. A few seconds later, something unspoken passed between the two sisters and they grabbed a hold of each other.
Over the course of the ceremony, several ponies took to the altar and gave eulogies of their own, some more personal than others. Some had difficulty saying what they wanted to say, however (and one had to be escorted off the stage mid-speech.).
Those without the strength to speak, like Spike in front of her, remained in the audience, enraptured all the while. Spike occasionally moved to stand only to pause at the edge of his seat and shy back into the twiddling of his thumbs.
Sunset sympathized; she couldn’t very well go up and speak either but for her own reasons. After all, she was a footnote compared to everypony else; a few sentences in the book of Twilight Sparkle’s life, maybe a few paragraphs at best. Around her sat chapters, even entire acts; all were ponies much more integral than she.
Even as her eyes remained fixed on the altar, even with it less than two rows ahead, it felt so far away. There were so many things she wanted to say. But what right did she have to speak before all of these ponies?
Sunset wanted to get all of it off her chest. She wanted to be heard. She wanted to share her slice of Twilight’s life with the world. Because maybe it would help.
But it wouldn’t fix things.
She looked at the picture on top of the coffin again and then buried her face in her hooves and sobbed to herself.
A world without Twilight Sparkle. That was her new reality.
* * *
Taking stock of Twilight’s belongings and baggage went at a sluggish pace, and even with what little there was, it took some time. At a few points along the way, work came to a complete stop. To her credit, Pinkie Pie tried cracking jokes and sharing words of encouragement but, without her usual enthusiasm, they lacked the ‘oomph’ that they needed.
But Sunset had to remind herself that, bar Spike, she knew nothing of the individuals before her. It was true that they were just like her friends at Canterlot High but they, without a doubt, were much more storied. And none of those stories included her.
What right had she to be there?
As a result, she relished the room’s welcome familiarity. There were the towering bookshelves containing tomes of all sizes, once exhausted through many late nights of studying; the rusted machines that served as eyesores whenever she had been between experiments; the sprawling window where she would content herself with watching the setting sun on lighter days, it was all there. The smaller details had been tampered with, of course (the desk, for one, had been moved), but it was still the student’s paradise.
Her eyes fell on the large hourglass in the center of the room and she smiled. Thank goodness that’s still there! she thought. She drew her eyes over its curves, observing the sparkling gold casing and the reflective glass container. The many study sessions she had spent underneath it came rushing back; the calming sounds of running sand had helped her keep her focus during those times. The sand rested at the bottom and she figured that now was not the time to disturb that; maybe that would come later. I don’t remember that much sand, though.
“The one time I didn’t go with her, this happened.” Spike sighed and curled up on the floor.
A unicorn, carrying the lingering scent of some creamy and fruity perfume, sat down beside him. “You've explored those caves with her plenty of times. You couldn’t have known,” Rarity said, draping a reassuring foreleg across his shoulder.
Pinkie Pie unceremoniously stuck her head between the two. “I dunno about you girls, but I’m more wondering how long she knew about it,” she added, failing to notice the slightly annoyed scowls those two gave her.
“And why didn’t she say anything?” Fluttershy croaked, collapsing further onto the floor.
The ponies sat around in silence.
“The one time I didn’t go with her, this happened,” Spike said.
Rainbow Dash, who flew idly above them, regarded him once again and snorted. “We could have easily taken on that Nameless!” she exclaimed, crossing her forelegs. “She should have told us about it.”
Fluttershy frowned. “I don’t know... It sounded scary...”
“Naw,” a somewhat-throaty voice interrupted. An orange earth pony placed a couple of empty journals off to the side before doubling back toward another large stack of papers. “Ah agree with Rainbow Dash on this one. Remember Tirek?” Applejack said.
“Ohhh, yes,” Fluttershy said with a stronger voice, “there was that.”
“We gave him a butt whoopin’!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed again, punching the air like she was fighting a bugbear.
Sunset observed as the six continued bouncing words off each other. Inwardly, she started to take solace in the fact that they didn’t know much more than she did. She then groaned as she remembered that there wasn’t much to begin with.
How had Twilight not at least told them?
She decided to shift her attention toward the desk where the most curious of the items rested. The first was a piece of parchment with what looked like a crudely sketched map of the path leading to the cavern (though Sunset could discern some dark spots on the page too). The second was the brown hooded cloak that Celestia had spoken of, folded square and lined up with the corner.
For the moment, she decided to focus her attention on the most peculiar of the three: a crystal ball the size of her head that sat on top of the cloak. No one had told her what role it played; only that it had played a role somehow. She was moreover interested in the way the ball behaved: she could see a clear image of the room that she stood in, but the viewpoint that it offered was much different than the placement of the ball. Moreover, she did not find herself standing in the spot she was supposed to be in.
She noted that as she looked at it from differing angles, the angle of the view also seemed to change, as if tracking her every movement and responding in kind. Her mouth twitched in response. That’s curious, she thought, levitating it off the table for a closer look.
“Wow, Twilight must’ve had a campfire in here!” Pinkie Pie suddenly exclaimed.
Sunset, and everyone else for that matter, glanced toward the stairs to find Pinkie Pie peering into a nearby disposal bin.
“There’re a lot of papers in here,” Pinkie Pie continued, briefly poking her head in. “It looks like she burned a book!”
Silence drowned the room for many moments. Sunset walked back over with curiosity, baggage and all.
Applejack, on the other hoof, didn’t even look up from the schematics she had looking over. “Okay. Ah don’t think that Twilight did that.”
“Maybe somepony else was in this room before her?” Fluttershy offered.
Several of them placed hooves (or claws in Spike’s case), toward their chins with short and occupied hums.
Pinkie Pie rose up into a tall stance and she gave each one of them a quick glance and then declared, “Changelings.”
“...Naw, that’s not it,” Applejack then said with a shake of her head, resignedly rolling up her paper.
“It should be!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, now glancing around for approval. “There was a changeling disguised as Twilight here and did all this stuff. Wrote the note? Set the book on fire? It’s fishy to me.”
“But the ball she had does look like the crystal ball Chrysalis sent us that one time,” Fluttershy noted.
“Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow Dash said at length, landing on the floor, “I don’t think it was them.”
“Weeellll?” Pinkie Pie replied, zipping up and pressing herself challengingly against Rainbow Dash, “What else would you say it is, then? Huh?”
Rainbow Dash shot everyone else pleading glances but only received a few shrugs in return. She rolled her eyes. “Changelings it is.”
“Honestly,” Rarity said as she caressed Spike’s scales, “we don’t have much else. At least it would explain why Twilight didn’t want to talk to us that night.” She pointed to herself. “That’s what I really want to know.”
“And why didn’t we realize something was wrong then?” Fluttershy croaked.
“I think we should have ignored what she was saying when we came here and kicked that door down!” Rarity exclaimed, channeling a greater energy than before. “Or something like that. Then we’d know what’s what!”
That was new. If there was a moment to jump in, this was it. “I didn’t know you all came here,” Sunset said, now stepping toward them.
Applejack, having thrown the last of the papers on top of a pile, now turned. “Oh, Sunset. Ah plum forgot you were there.” She met Sunset halfway and laid a friendly hoof across her withers. “Thanks fer comin’ out today, sugarcube, and for helpin’ out tonight. It really means a lot to us.”
Sunset half-forced a smile. “No, thank you for, you know, going out of your way to come tell us in person. I know that must have been really tough.”
“Indeed, ’tis quite the odd place,” Rarity mused. “Although I’ll admit it was nice to finally be able to meet you and your Canterlot High friends, I just... eh… wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.”
“I’m sure they feel the same way about you guys and Equestria,” Sunset replied reassuringly.
“Did they already go back?” Applejack asked as she let Sunset go.
“Yeah. They boarded the train an hour ago. I’ll likely go back tomorrow…” She looked around at their looks of expectation, and quickly added, “But there’s no rush.”
“We were here,” Spike said, sitting up. “We were going to surprise Twilight with a trip to the Canterlot Opera House.”
“And then we were going to throw a big birthday party the day after that,” Pinkie Pie added.
“But...” Spike continued, “she was really really busy the first time we stopped by and didn’t wanna be disturbed. I’m her number one assistant; I should have known something was wrong when she didn’t even want me there. Second time we came around, she was gone,” he said, now arched into a slump.
Rarity responded by pulling him in.
Her birthday! Sunset mentally cried. She nodded in acknowledgment but did not speak. Her head found its way into her hooves just like it had done many times in the preceding moons. The stinging that she felt when she got the news revealed shades of itself again. I didn’t even know it was her birthday...! She didn’t even tell me. And then this happened...?
Then she remembered what she had seen at the ceremony and used her foreleg to push out a long exhale. The stinging within her subsided. “That’s too bad.”
Applejack, noting Sunset’s shift in tone, looked. “So, whatcha make of that there ball, Sunset?” she asked, pointing at the object near Sunset’s head.
Sunset backpedaled slightly and then looked to where Applejack had pointed. “Oh. Oh! I forgot I brought this over. I’m not sure what I think just yet. But it seems interesting. This was found at the scene?”
“That, and that tacky little cloak over there,” Rarity said, pointing, “but we’re not concerned about that.” She received some stares. “Well, most of us aren’t.”
“Both of those were found just outside,” Fluttershy acknowledged.
“And we know both of them are hers,” Rarity seconded. “We checked.”
Spike crossed his arms as he considered the object. “She had to have done something to it, right? I mean, it shows this tower. It’s shown the tower since we found it.”
“Probably because Twilight brought it back here,” Fluttershy said.
“There’s probably something magical going on with it,” Spike said. And then he shrugged. “But we still don’t know what.”
Sunset considered the crystal ball again. “Interesting,” she murmured, rubbing her chin. But even as the others went about their devices, she remained rooted to the spot. Did she figure something out then?
* * *
Sunset rustled the sheets as she rose from a light slumber, carried out of the embrace of the sandmare by her earlier thoughts. She emerged into a scene of darkness and silence. Her bedchamber was empty save for standard guestroom decorations, although, even in the blackness, she could make out the familiar painting of Clover the Clever high on the wall. The corridor offered less variety but that only made the patterned carpets and the high pillars that much easier to remember.
As she stepped out onto the grounds, Sunset glanced up at the moon. She frowned. I don’t remember it looking like that, she thought, noting a significant lack of the Mare in the Moon.
How many moons had gone by? How many moons had it been since she had run out on Celestia? Sunset had stopped counting. How else had this world, her home world, changed after so many years?
She’d have to ask later.
Sunset used the moonlight to illuminate her way as she trotted across the grounds. She found the tower and ascended the staircase and, after fishing the key out of the foliage just outside the door, went inside.
The room that greeted her shared the darkness of the others, but seeing it in such a manner only served to bring back several more acute memories. Even with an absence of several years, the dark could not hide the room from her, but she still calculated each step that she took past the door.
She flared her horn and a small orb of blue light appeared beside her. It wasn’t the same as the flashlight app on her cell phone but it would do. Climbing up the stairs into the study room, she sent her light into the space above where it intensified and bathed the room in a bluish glow.
Her eyes drifted toward the crystal ball which still lay on the desk. A quick glance changed her mind, however, as she didn’t immediately notice anything different from earlier.
Instead, she levitated over the piece of parchment that had been laid next to the ball. A diagram showing a network of tunnels etched itself across the paper. A simple drawing of a three-tower fortress representing Canterlot Castle sat at the very top. At the very bottom, presumably well into the mountain, a single room had been labeled with an x. The x, as Sunset understood, signified ground zero. She herself had never ventured into those caves so, while the map gave her some ideas, they ultimately amounted to nothing. Instead, she turned the map over.
A note revealed itself on the other side. It bore many of the features she expected the writing to have but, unlike the neat and precise writings she had seen through the journal between herself and Twilight, the writing on this page was haphazard, messy, and rushed.
Oh, she thought, they mentioned this note earlier, didn’t they?
That was another thought: what had Twilight been thinking up until the moment of her demise? What could have possibly compelled her so much?
Pacing around the room, Sunset read through it.
Dear everyone,
If you are reading this, it means I have lost my life repelling a great evil.
I had too little time to prepare for it. I was unable to think of any other way. My hooves were tied.
You don’t want to know what things would have happened had this thing got out. I shudder to think of it, and I take solace in the fact that I can spare you that knowledge. But I was able to shut the door on it, and in doing so, I terminated it, permanently. It will never befall Equestria.
These past years have been the best of my life. Thank you for the wonderful memories. Thank you all.
Your faithful friend,
Twilight Sparkle
Sunset scowled and fought the urge to crumple up the note in disgust. That was the grand final goodbye Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, had written for her closest companions? It couldn’t be.
Sunset went over the note again, noted the stains once more, and then turned it sideways and over and backward to see if Twilight had left anything else. Nothing.
She hummed disappointedly and abandoned it on the desk when she next passed by.
She paced several more laps around the room, trying to answer any of the various questions that she had. But, with each non-answer, her pace slowed until she was almost at a crawl.
This can’t be it. This isn’t right.
She arrived at the large window that dominated the northern edge of the space. The rest of the nighttime castle looked back at her. The silhouettes of the various towers rose up through the dark. There wasn’t a shred of light to be found.
She could hear Twilight’s voice telling her, “It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about me.” Like everything was supposed to be okay. Like it wasn’t supposed to hurt.
But it was not okay. It hurt. A lot.
Why, Twilight? she thought, feeling a heaviness in her eyes. This isn’t you. This is not you.
She tried jamming what bits and pieces of information she had together, but nothing meshed. There had to be more to it. There had to be. But there wasn’t. Twilight had died stopping a monster. Nearly everything about it was straightforward.
Except for one thing. Whirling around, she trotted toward the middle of the room. With the flare of her horn, she snatched the crystal ball off the table. Taking a seat under the hourglass in the center of the room, she stared into crystal ball, resolved to inspect its every nook and cranny until something showed itself.
Sunset could see an overhead view of the study area. She could make out the room’s delicate curvature with ease. But where the lights were off in the room she sat in, they lit the room in the picture. It’s not a live feed then. At first glance, the picture appeared the exact same as earlier.
No. There was more. Sunset looked into the crystal ball again. The sky outside was also completely dark.
Sunset nibbled on her hoof as she continued to look at the ball. So, the sky in the ball has changed to nighttime, so that must mean time has passed, she thought. She grimaced and pressed a hoof against her forehead. But that just leaves me with even more questions. Ugh.
“What makes you so special?” she asked it through gritted teeth.
As if in answer, the image in the ball changed, and then Sunset realized that something had entered the frame.
The object registered, but Sunset had to look at it a second time to make sure. And a third time. She wiped her eyes to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. No, the crystal ball showed her exactly what she thought it was showing her.
“...Sweet Celestia.”
Contained within the image of the crystal ball was Princess Twilight Sparkle, prancing around the room as if she had never died.
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This story, while having some issues, I believe would be worth keeping up with.
I appreciate the lack of weather reports, a common pitfall that many writers fall into. They kinda halt the story's progress to describe how blue the sky is or how pretty the flowers are. Not that those don't have their place, but they are usually used as hooks or just for the writer to show off their skill. Though you do include description, it never distracts or slows the pacing significantly. On that note, the pacing, at least in my opinion, is perfect for a first chapter. Though I know most people will not have the patience for a slow start, it required for a story with some length to it. The characters also seem to be very well written, to my knowledge at least (I honestly never found the willpower to watch "Equestria Girls" all the way through. I have watched the entire movie, the first one that is, in bits and pieces, but never in one shot.).
However, there are a couple of things I would like to point out that I saw that do take away a bit. The dialogue sometimes lacks a proper dialogue tag in instances where there are multiple people in a conversation. There are two or three instances where the dialogue is floating on its own and the speaker is vague. Another issue with the dialogue, while the dialogue tags do include the tone of voice, they sometimes lack any significant action that can create a mental picture during dialogue-intense scenes. This is more apparent in the second half of the chapter, after the funeral.
Those are really the only things I can find wrong here. As for the the more general stuff, the grammar is good, the hook avoids common cliches, and the ending leaves us wanting to read the next chapter. I look forward to reading the rest soon.
5799167 Aye, I see what you mean.
Thanks very much for the comment. It's always nice to know that I've done things right. I'm especially glad that the characterization was okay, since that was one of the things that I was most worried about!
The problems with dialogue I can deal with fairly swiftly. My intention is to fix chapter one now. Obviously I'll take a hammer to future chapters as well. Hopefully these dialogue issues won't show up anymore!
I love the cellphone flashlight comment. Little details like that really make a story.
Wait... so she's alive?! Or her spirit is there or some wizard shit?
5806535 Indeed, that seems to be the pressing question! Perhaps we'll see in the coming chapters.
5806508 Good to hear you liked that bit. ^^
There are a few grammatical issues in there but for the most part this is a well done fic so far. I especially liked the funeral scene, which was for me, the best part.
I like where this is going. The ending there was especially interesting. Looking forward to reading the rest!
Why does it have to be Twilight?
This is the 2nd story where Twilight is gone. In the last one she disappeared but probably died.
And I think that her friends are a little bit too fast getting past her death. I mean, they are her closest friends, Spike being the only exception.
This set-up is intriguing and very nice. While it brings to mind memories of "Death of Princess Luna" (not a bad thing, I love that story) for me, it takes the premise and makes its own. Making Sunset our POV character and our protagonist also adds to the stories weight and oomph. It was really nicely one with sunset being the one trying to apologize at the beginning, as it shows how she changed. It was also great that we saw that she felt a semblance of inadequacy, that her story was just a footnote in the greater part of her life. Wich is interesting, considering that EQG is a spin-off and is not seen as important by the writers or some of the fanbase.
This leads to the feelings of aloness that Sunset is feeling, because of the unusal circumstance that she is in. These may act and look like her friends, but their live are utterly different. The spirit is there, but it feels empty.
Dat cliffhanger. I like this so far. Dont disappoint!
Maybe its pre recorded? I dunno,how crystal balls work, but it could be showing the world a month ago.
At the funeral, a green unicorn with reading glasses and wrinkles around her eyes was mentioned.
Who was this? I can't actually recall anyone who fits this description.
7366333 That's Jade Singer. She was a character that starred opposite Twilight Sparkle in Micro Series issue #1
Empty you say? That's suspicious. Why would her body not be in it? Especially since it was found. Even if it's horribly disfigured, shredded, and maimed you'd probably keep it in the casket closed, but not open and empty.
Wouldn't happen to be a crystal orb now would it?
Whatever it is, it's highly suspicious and if Twilight is not dead, I assume Celestia is in the know or at least involved in something related.
Near them sat a green unicorn who, judging from her reading glasses and the subtle wrinkles near her eyes, was rather experienced. Sunset pegged her as an author.
Hay it jade singer from the mico comic
Oh good, the comments answered my questions about the green unicorn. Phew.
Also, the only thing I remembered from when I read this the first time was something about a crystal ball and Twilight being inside or something. Super informative, as it turns out.
This might as well be my first time reading these first few chapters