Chapter One - The Beginning
“...So then he says, ‘transmutation? I think I’ve walked into the wrong mage’s guild!’”
The occupants of the poker table burst into a raucous laughter, slamming their hooves on the table and patting the teller of the joke on the back. Cigar smoke hung in the air, filling the space between the dirty lightbulb hanging from the ceiling and the table below.
The room was small and lit only by the dim lightbulb hung by a wire from the ceiling, the occupants of the room casting long shadows from where they were sitting. The room had no windows, no doors, and no apparent means of entry or exit. The walls were concrete, grey, and covered in mould and moss. Water dripped from the roof in one corner, and someone had hastily placed an empty bottle underneath it to keep the floor dry. The pony who did this, in fact, was sitting at the poker table we recently mentioned.
The pony in question was unkempt and unwashed, much like the room in which he currently sat. He had a dark grey coat that was covered in cowlicks and grime and a purple mane, cut short, not becauses he particularly liked that style, but because he couldn’t be bothered to take care of it. However, on close inspection, one would be able to see that underneath the unwashed coat and the three day stubble, the pony had handsome features.
He’s not important.
To the unkempt pony’s left sat a mare with a pristine white coat. Her piercing gaze was settled on the unkempt pony as he counted up his chips, looking him up and down. Her scarlet mane was styled in a fashion reminiscent of the royalty of the past, and the gown she wore doubly so. She would not have looked out of place dining with the princesses or hosting a ball or gala. There was an unfortunately low number of chips on the table in front of her, but she didn’t care. The only reason she ever came to these poker games was because she wanted to get with the unkempt pony.
She wasn’t important either.
To her left was a large, brown creature. It was humanoid and had a brown mane and bat wings. A tasselled lion’s tail swung back and forth behind him as he laughed. He had an impressive number of chips in front of him, and was taking advantage of the mare’s focused gaze on the unkempt pony to swipe a few of her chips when she wasn’t looking.
He also wasn’t important. No, none of these people are important to us except for the unicorn to the left of the winged creature. This pony is Starswirl the Bearded, and he is the focus of this story.
Starswirl is a light grey coated pony, with a magnificent white beard and mane. Atop his head sat a stereotypical wizard’s hat, decorated with bells that jingled as he moved his head. Of course, it wasn’t stereotypical for him to be wearing it- he started the trend, after all. A matching robe adorned his body and kept him from feeling the cold of the unheated room.
Starswirl was smiling as he looked over the ponies (and monstrous creature) around him. They were his friends, and he was theirs. Where they were, it was easy to get caught up in the novelty of being able to do whatever you want, and many ponies neglected to make friends in favour of doing all the things they couldn’t do before. Starswirl was lucky to have met them.
“Okay, okay, settle down, Scorpan,” Starswirl said to the laughing beast beside him, his gruff voice nearly drowned out by Scorpan’s laughter. “It wasn’t even that funny.”
Scorpan, the brother of Tirek, was here because of an accident he suffered while travelling home alone from Equestria. Against all odds, he claimed he was attacked by a shark in the dry, barren badlands. Starswirl held suspicions that the winged creature was lying, but let Scorpan continue telling his story whenever he felt like it.
The mare, Gem, was the first born daughter of a royal family. She was set to inherit the throne when her little brother made an attempt at her life. She survived the stabbing, but died in the hospital after choking on lime jello.
The unkempt pegasus was named Rusty. Rusty invented the train, or so he claimed. He died from tetanus.
As you could probably guess by now, these four ponies were in the afterlife. More specifically, Rusty’s personal part of the afterlife, crafted by his own hooves to take whatever form he wants it to. It wouldn’t be much of an afterlife if the entire place was just full of dingy old rooms with poker tables.
“You know what, guys?” Starswirl said, getting his friends’ attention. “I’m really glad I’ve got you guys to keep me company up here, you know? I’ve been here the longest out of all of us, and let me tell you, those times when I was all alone? Well, even being able to do whatever you want gets boring after a while when you have to do it alone. I guess what I’m trying to say is... thanks for being my friends.”
Gem smiled, a sweet smile that set Starswirl’s heart aflutter. “You don’t need to thank us, Star. You’re the one that helped us all come to terms with our deaths. We should be the ones thanking you.”
Rusty rolled his eyes. “We’ve all known each other for a minimum of five hundred years, now. No need to start getting sentimental now.”
Scorpan leaned over and draped his arm over Starswirl’s shoulders. “You and me? Friends in life and death. Brings a new meaning to ‘best friends forever’, eh? Usually it’s not so literal!”
Yes, Starswirl was perfectly happy where he was. “I hope that never changes, Scorpan. Dying was the best thing to ever happen to us!”
“I am so bucking sick of being dead!”
Starswirl was lying down in his bed of clouds—an object he was unable to use in life—staring angrily at the empty black sky above him. His wizard’s hat was being held in his hooves, and he was vigorously shaking it, the bells attached to it jingling rapidly.
“It’s so boring! There’s no danger to it, no excitement! Am I seriously supposed to put up with this mundane life for the rest of eternity?”
Starswirl rolled over onto his belly and sighed. “Dying was the worst thing to ever happen to me...”
The wizard closed his eyes. “I miss living. I miss my cottage, and going to the market, and doing magic. Especially magic.”
As you could probably tell, magic was redundant in the afterlife. Having the power to do whatever you want without using magic sort of takes all the fun and danger out of it.
“No more magical breakthroughs... no more lab explosions... no more demon summoning...”
Starswirl felt a rush of wind and sat up, surprise on his face. In most places, wind was a completely natural occurrence, especially when sitting in the sky atop a bed of clouds. But this was the afterlife, and Starswirl had made sure to not add any wind.
Starswirl slowly turned to face the direction of the wind, only to find himself face to face with a face.
It was large- larger than his entire body, and had two large horns jutting out of the side of it. Its empty eye sockets were lit with an internal red light, and its wickedly sharp teeth made its grin look sinister in the darkness.
Ssssstarssswirl...
The pony in question gulped. “S-speak of the devil... heh-heh...”
A clawed hand shot up from underneath the cloud and grabbed Starswirl in its powerful grip, dragging him up into the sky.
“W-what are you doing here, Sabapepr? Not that I’m not happy to see you or anything, but, um, I thought you were banished to Tartaurus?”
Sabapepr narrowed its eyes.
Yesss. YOU put me there, if I recall correctly.
“That was all a big misunderstanding! Honest! I thought you were another pony-eating demon. I-if I knew it was you, I never would have-”
Starswirl’s excuses were cut short as the beast squeezed him in its might hand. It was the first pain Starswirl felt in centuries, it hurt all the more for it.
Silence. I will make you pay for what you did. You enjoy it here, in the pleasant afterlife, where you have all the power in the world? Then I shall take that all away from you!
The demon opened its other hand, revealing a purple book, pages yellowed with age. Starswirl’s eyes widened as he recognized it.
“My journal!”
Yes. Starswirl the Bearded, I curse you to be bound to this book for the rest of time!
Before Starswirl could react, Sabapepr thrust his arm out to Starswirl’s face and the book collided with the wizard’s snout.
With a flash of light, the unicorn was gone, only the book remaining.
Sabapepr laughed and dropped the book.
It fell down, down, through the clouds, and pierced the veil between the world of the dead and that of the living, hitting a pegasus on the way down.
“What the hay?”
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...Color me intrigued.
Ooh, this sounds promising! I wonder what kind shenanigans our dear Swirly will get up to with young Sparklebutt? You have my attention.
5620168
Excellent. Now that I have your attention, you'll be too distracted to see my accomplice robbing your house! Muahaha, everyone thought this plan would fail!
5620171 Mwahahaha! But the joke is on you, for the only thing of value I keep is this laptop you have so thoroughly glued me to with your story!
5620178
Foiled again... perhaps a life of crime isn't the life for me.
5620184 Umm... I seem to be a bit stuck. Would you happen to have any glue remover?
5620193
I'm afraid I'm all out at the moment. I used it all up after an incident involving Twilight's horn and a rubber chicken.
5620202 Poor Boneless, Pinkie was broken up about that for weeks. On the plus side though, we learned that barbequed rubber chicken is delicious!
Moar?
5620372
Soon, my friend. I'm about 2/3rds done with the next chapter.
the greatest magical unicorn of his time teamed up with the element of magic and greatest unicorn/alicorn of her age? nothing can possibly go wrong.. btw..starswirl demon summoning..sounds like another day in ponyville
...Proceed.
(I'm always happy to see more Star Swirl love
)
BOOOOOOO
Derpy!!!! they have derpy that is awesome!!
lol no jk its interesting
interesting enough for me to slap a face thingy on it lets see which ones we have.
...*is interested*
THIS IS AWESOME!
Just imagine all the sex you could have in the after life if it existed! You could be any gender and screw anyone, anyway, anytime! Oh, and your story is interesting. Fav.
Hmmmm, this has potential...
Huh, interesting.
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I shouldn't have laughed at this as much as I did.
You could use a transparent PNG with a drop shadow or outer glow.
5622979 THAT'S what you take away from this?
5620171 You seem pretty cool.
5630543 there are 2 kinds of people it seems.
I love your writing, it is in all honesty some of the most fun-to-read stories I have seen.
For some reason, I nearly passed out laughing at these stupid sentences. I guess I am a sucker for anti-jokes.
I have to say, just from this one chapter alone, I don't think I'd be interested enough to keep reading. However, you clearly have great technical skill with writing, so I think I'll see how things stand after the next chapter.
I just want to point out, the name is actually spelt "Star Swirl."
5632058 See, humor is based on subverting expectations, often through play on words. According to this formula of humor, these lines are about twice as funny as Claptrap stupidity, with the added benefit of being 100% less irritating!
The pony in question was unkempt and unwashed, much like the room in which he currently sat. He had a dark grey coat that was covered in cowlicks and grime and a purple mane, cut short, not becauses he particularly liked that style, but because he couldn’t be bothered to take care of it. However, on close inspection, one would be able to see that underneath the unwashed coat and the three day stubble, the pony had handsome features.
He’s not important.
I could just imagine Peanut Butter Gamer reading that paragraph if he was a brony. He'd probably use a dark, creepy voice for the paragraph, and his nonchalant funny voice for "He's not important."
Plus, how do people get that box around parts of the story that look like the author's note? Can somepony help me on this?
5640573 The quotation marks in the comment box.
Who is Sabapepr and why does he have control of the afterlife, if he was cast down to Tartarus, a physical place where evil-doers are contained?
Why was Starswirl lonely if a lot of ponies died already, and would die? How does the afterlife work that only a couple ponies/creatures can meet up at all?
You're mixing present with past tense in your narrative. I'd look into correcting this.
I'm getting mixed messages here - is he enjoying the afterlife with his friends, or does he resent it? How can he do both at the same time with his friends around?
The premise of this story sounds interesting, but I gave up after a couple paragraphs. The text reads like Latawnya, The Naughty Horse.