Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, while having potential, this needs work.
So far this looks like a screen play a scaffold of events, jumping between lines of dialogue rather than presenting a complete story that immerses the reader in the world the author creates. Right now you have a skeleton with no connective tissue. As a reader I can see what the story is about, but there’s no detail or description bar absolute minimum where no dialogue exists to link events together.
That’s not to say you don’t have something here, the concept is intriguing and the ground work is all there. You just need to put some flesh on the bones and I reckon you’ll have the workings of a really indulgent read
502204 this is just a short little side story while I take a break from my other stories, but yeah I felt that way while I was writing. later chapters will have much more detail
510431 the next few chapters will be of the individual pairs, one pair per chapter. some of them will interwtine, some of them won't. they'll all technically happen at the same time. premonition for the future, it's going ot be fun writing all of them drunk off their flanks!
511051 was going to go with appledash, but I don't see Rarity and Pinkie together so I modified it to my more common pairings, because I wanted to keep the FlutterLuna
511196 And, seriously, Appledash has been DONE. A LOT. I just think Rarijack works a bit better, because Applejack and Rainbow Dash would be better friendly rivals, than lovers. Applejack and Rarity have the most awesome opposites attract vibe. A good writer CAN make Appledash work, and I've read some good ones, but it's not my fave.
You also got my OTHER favorite pairing, too. I'm a big fan of Twilestia.
i shall check this later sounds good
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, while having potential, this needs work.
So far this looks like a screen play a scaffold of events, jumping between lines of dialogue rather than presenting a complete story that immerses the reader in the world the author creates. Right now you have a skeleton with no connective tissue. As a reader I can see what the story is about, but there’s no detail or description bar absolute minimum where no dialogue exists to link events together.
That’s not to say you don’t have something here, the concept is intriguing and the ground work is all there. You just need to put some flesh on the bones and I reckon you’ll have the workings of a really indulgent read
502204 this is just a short little side story while I take a break from my other stories, but yeah I felt that way while I was writing. later chapters will have much more detail
At first I was like then I was like and then I was like
Then I was like
andrewjpatrick.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/get-on-with-it1.png
I can't wait for the next chapter(s).
510431 the next few chapters will be of the individual pairs, one pair per chapter. some of them will interwtine, some of them won't. they'll all technically happen at the same time. premonition for the future, it's going ot be fun writing all of them drunk off their flanks!
510532 Drunk+pony+lesbians=
nightlifekc.com/images/4/media/2012/02/15/Duh-Winning.jpg
510600
This is cute! But then... I ALWAYS like Rarijack
511051 was going to go with appledash, but I don't see Rarity and Pinkie together so I modified it to my more common pairings, because I wanted to keep the FlutterLuna
511196 And, seriously, Appledash has been DONE. A LOT. I just think Rarijack works a bit better, because Applejack and Rainbow Dash would be better friendly rivals, than lovers. Applejack and Rarity have the most awesome opposites attract vibe. A good writer CAN make Appledash work, and I've read some good ones, but it's not my fave.
You also got my OTHER favorite pairing, too. I'm a big fan of Twilestia.
511209 I love the Twilestia/ Twiluna pairings. and I haven't written a real Appledash yet so I wanted to try it, but circumstances called for Rarijack
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/194/780/78562%20-%20Molestia.jpg
513393.......
513393
I'm afraid to look up now.......goodbye overhead view, it was fun while it lasted.