Rainbow Dash is kidnapped, then rescued by a gang of criminals. Stripped of her wing strength, she finds sanctuary among the Payday Crew. (Season One finished; stay tuned!)
Hope you don't mind a bit of a critique. I like to pull stories apart, hopefully it'll help when I try to write something...
Not sold on the whole "MLP:FiM is both a TV show and real" angle. That's hard to pull off. Best approach I've seen to that was where Discord made the TV show for lulz. That works, not sure if any other approach would.
I should probably play some Payday 2 one of these days. Only really played a little of the first game a while back.
Twilight's character doesn't really fit the Xanthos Chessmaster archetype she is playing in your fic I think. Especially since she would need to know a lot about Earth (she knows the exchange rate of gold to dollars somehow, plus how to propose a business deal with Bain!) and it doesn't make sense how she would, But I guess staying in a perpetually frozen world is a bit dull so she's peeking into ours constantly?
You've left things open-ended regarding the other Elements of Harmony being kidnapped. Bit ambitious. Gives you room, I guess, to decide if those stories should be untold, or if they fit into this one somehow, or whatever. Just as long as you don't end up juggling 5 different stories at once it's cool.
It seems Rainbow Dash ends up spotting for the group a bit too easily. I think more effort should have been made to mention they had trained her a bit (it's mentioned once, briefly) and I think she should have to argue for the position (the group should be hesitant to have someone spot with no real experience, as their lives could depend on the spotter).
Dash didn't even end up calling out when the cops arrived! At least I didn't see it. Someone should end up calling her out on this afterwards, though her meltdown would probably defuse that out of sympathy. But still, one could argue that her failure as a spotter increased police casualties since the gang didn't pull out sooner. Could have been an interesting angle to play.
Dash also seems to accept too easily that Earth is a violent place. Granted, she doesn't have too many sources of info at her disposal here, but still... she should be aware of their bias.
Interesting poker bit.
As for the drill... I think the explanation is simple... obviously nobody is going to make a drill that's made specifically for drilling through bank vaults, so the gang would have to experiment with different types of drills to find one that works... and it seems they've found one that's "good enough". Maybe they have a good supplier and can't find a better drill they can get discreetly.
We have heard very little about the "invaders", why they want the Elements, why they didn't kill the Elements outright instead of kidnapping them when they did, why Dash was stuffed inside a bank vault where anyone who could legitimately open it could have found her... lots of unanswered questions I hope the author hasn't overlooked!
The bit with Bain and the camera is actually surprisingly heartwarming. He's their friend, and they won't let distance get in the way of him being able to play with them.
So I take it that Rainbow Dash will be beating people up in this story? Will she reach Unstoppable Rage levels of anger? Will she be giving any No Holds Barred Beatdowns?
Look Like Bain got the upper hand in this round.
How is she going to die? The only things that happened to her were being captured and injected with horse tranquilizers. Unless I missed something.
"Why can't we get a better drill with all that money?"
...did you just?
This was an excellent chapter. A nice change of pace from the action, and I like how you got the crew to explain themselves to RD.
Man, somehow you made an entertaining chapter, while teaching me the basics of poker. Good show.
Hope you don't mind a bit of a critique. I like to pull stories apart, hopefully it'll help when I try to write something...
Not sold on the whole "MLP:FiM is both a TV show and real" angle. That's hard to pull off. Best approach I've seen to that was where Discord made the TV show for lulz. That works, not sure if any other approach would.
I should probably play some Payday 2 one of these days. Only really played a little of the first game a while back.
Twilight's character doesn't really fit the Xanthos Chessmaster archetype she is playing in your fic I think. Especially since she would need to know a lot about Earth (she knows the exchange rate of gold to dollars somehow, plus how to propose a business deal with Bain!) and it doesn't make sense how she would, But I guess staying in a perpetually frozen world is a bit dull so she's peeking into ours constantly?
You've left things open-ended regarding the other Elements of Harmony being kidnapped. Bit ambitious. Gives you room, I guess, to decide if those stories should be untold, or if they fit into this one somehow, or whatever. Just as long as you don't end up juggling 5 different stories at once it's cool.
It seems Rainbow Dash ends up spotting for the group a bit too easily. I think more effort should have been made to mention they had trained her a bit (it's mentioned once, briefly) and I think she should have to argue for the position (the group should be hesitant to have someone spot with no real experience, as their lives could depend on the spotter).
Dash didn't even end up calling out when the cops arrived! At least I didn't see it. Someone should end up calling her out on this afterwards, though her meltdown would probably defuse that out of sympathy. But still, one could argue that her failure as a spotter increased police casualties since the gang didn't pull out sooner. Could have been an interesting angle to play.
Dash also seems to accept too easily that Earth is a violent place. Granted, she doesn't have too many sources of info at her disposal here, but still... she should be aware of their bias.
Interesting poker bit.
As for the drill... I think the explanation is simple... obviously nobody is going to make a drill that's made specifically for drilling through bank vaults, so the gang would have to experiment with different types of drills to find one that works... and it seems they've found one that's "good enough". Maybe they have a good supplier and can't find a better drill they can get discreetly.
5250355
We have heard very little about the "invaders", why they want the Elements, why they didn't kill the Elements outright instead of kidnapping them when they did, why Dash was stuffed inside a bank vault where anyone who could legitimately open it could have found her... lots of unanswered questions I hope the author hasn't overlooked!
5250355 "You'll be reunited with your friends soon enough."
5250451 I wish we buy a better drill in the actual game. The drill breaks down too much.
....As much as I hate the Chicago idiot...He /does/ have a point.
5250533 Thanks for the long comment. Sorry I can't reply to everything, but I'll try to reply to at least the spotter bit in the next chapter.
5251371 Whoops, forgot to mention that overall I am liking the story. Keep up the good work. :)
The bit with Bain and the camera is actually surprisingly heartwarming. He's their friend, and they won't let distance get in the way of him being able to play with them.
So I take it that Rainbow Dash will be beating people up in this story? Will she reach Unstoppable Rage levels of anger? Will she be giving any No Holds Barred Beatdowns?
5254246 True, but that's just a specific case. In general, they're anonymous.