I'm writing a song for this story, and can't do instruments for the life of me. If anyone's willing to help, it would be greatly appreciated.
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"So, what's a Gyrados, anyway?"
"Oh, you don't need to worry about it." I reply quickly. "Where's 1378?"
I hear him look around without glancing up from the computer screen. "Damn it! 1378?! Where'd you go!"
I levitate the pencil again, tapping the keys with minimal concentration. Using magic has gotten easier, but I haven't been able to practice my flight much. We finally realized how starving we were once 1416 explained to our newest ally how her powers worked. Not as pretty as Candance's, which was slightly disappointing, but it sure felt good. Are Changelings addicted to love?
Oh, here we are.
Google Maps: Enter an address
Let's see... where would a pony disguised as a human - or other creature, but I'm leaning towards the dominant - go?
To a source of emotion, where they can find sympathy, hatred, love, greed, shock, fear, joy...
I mentally thank 1416 for taking the time to explain all of this last night, between catching the objects I continued to drop while working with my magic.
I think while typing in 'Toronto'; can a Changeling feel love?
-----
"You don't have to hide." 1416 hissed.
I shake my head, standing up straight. "Sorry, I keep forgetting."
I make sure 1378 is still following me (she has a habit of stopping to touch everything) before trotting around a small crowd. After a few more failed attempts at 1416 becoming human and 1378 refusing to change at all, we decided it would be easier to just use a localized hive mind.
It also made sure we didn't lose 1378.
1416 jogged back past me with a snort, grabbing the older Changeling by what little scruff she had and hauling her ahead. I roll my eyes and catch up in a few steps.
I send out a small magic pulse, another thing 1416 taught me. Apparently, it reacts with the magic of other Changelings, or, when outside of the hive, anything with magical abilities, like the ponies, or wild creatures.
It reacts quickly with 1416 and 1378, what seems almost like a burning flare going off in my head. I wait for a little while, and then, on the very edge of my magic - a tiny flicker.
"Hey, I found something."
1416 looks around as he sends out a pulse as well. I feel the shiver in my magic that shows he's found me, and 1378 twitches.
"Oh. You actually did."
I give him a sideways glare and start to pick up speed, phasing through people walking around us. 1416 is close behind me, still dragging 1378.
I'm still wary of people looking down all the time, dodging around toddlers, pets, and the occasional wandering texter. 1416 growls a little each time I move around them.
I keep using my magic pulses, despite 1416 starting to complain and 1378 flinching like she's being attacked by bees. The flair is getting closer, but not stronger.
I turn off the main street, half my body phasing into the side of a building. I'm reminded of a video game glitch - the buildings seem completely sealed, until you find a gap, and suddenly the whole world opens up. Except, instead of flashy colors and interesting enemies, it's dark, and the ground is littered with cigarette butts and what might be dried blood.
I turn at a loud thump - 1416 has dropped 1378 and is wiping her fur out of his teeth. "The pulse is still pretty weak, even now." His horn sparks, and a small red flare drops to the ground, skittering around on the ground like some kind of demented spider.
He looks up from it, seeing my surprise. "It's a tracker, kind of. It'll find what we're looking for."
"So, a Changeling?"
"Potentially." He pins down 1378's tail as she turns to leave, without looking up from the little tracker.
It runs along one wall, picking up speed - and burns out with a pop.
"That's never happened before." He remarks, walking over to where it vanished.
I follow close behind, 1378 behind me, if only because she's curious. As all three of us set foot near the spot, and feel it all at the same time. In a quick flash, we are kicked out of the hive mind we created, standing vulnerable and visible. I start to shiver, an inner chill that emanates from deep in my core.
1416 turns to us and yells something, but my ears are starting to ring... something about 'magical fences'?
The wall in front of us flickers suddenly, revealing another alley. This one's much cleaner though, the ground still looking like concrete and the walls a pale gray.
The chill starts to fade as the wall disappears, and on 1416's lead, we enter the alley. I feel a thrum of magic as the wall reappears behind us.
1416 stops, peering at the wall. "Hey, look. You read human. Explain this."
I trot over, squinting at what seemed like stone. Thousands of numbers, mixed with characters I don't know and some I do, crammed into impossibly small spaces and, by the looks of it, spanning the entire wall.
"Halt! Who goes there?"
A massive Changeling, at least double my width and height, appears out of nowhere. His eyes have a different tint to them, red instead of blue. His shell extends further up his neck, and the three exoskeletal bands along his sides are thicker than the space between them. His fangs and horn are longer too, like if Celestia had a baby with a saber-toothed cat.
I shake that image from my head, focusing on the task at han... hoof.
"We don't want to return to Chrysalis's tyranny!" He roars, wings snapping out - also massive, and look closer to the wings of Luna's guard - and lowers his head. "Remove yourselves from our home!"
I notice at some point in this statement, I rushed behind 1416. 1378 is right beside me. He angrily snaps his tail across my face, but doesn't look away from the hulking beast. "We are not here for you. We're here with you."
"Stand down, Vim. They are allies." Another Changeling appears, this one looking pitifully weak compared to his giant companion. As he steps forward, I notice it's not just contrast; he's a couple inches taller than me, but he's almost all legs. His neck is long too, and he has an air of power about him, a kind different than the beast behind him.
"1416, Vocem, so nice to see you." The tall Changeling nods in respect. "Who have you brought with you?"
"1378 and 2317."
"Amare and Multas? Very good. My name is 352, or Visus."
1416 jerks his head for us to come out. "Where are you getting these names?"
"Humans seem to have many ways of speaking. I have simply taught myself a few of them; English, French, and Latin. I have not forgotten my Equestrian origins, though, as you may have."
"Girls, meet our magic and offensive specialists, Visus and Vim."
awesome
nice chapter
It feels way too rushed when read. I've had to reread lines because you wrote this so scatterbrained.
I will not thumbs this down. I think the concept saves it from that. However, I will not thumbs this up. The writing style is just so...
So... main character A.K.A. 2317 is now A.K.A. Multas?
...
Okay...
I'll roll with it.
Ok, they've gotta be discovered by humans at SOME point right?
604589
I'll try to work on it.
604673
I'll be using the # names more, but decided they may as well have 'real' names too.
604761
Shhhh!
605531
Tracking for now.
I highly recommend a rewrite, this story deserves it. If you could crystallize the way you want the narrative, and make the dialogue/scene transition flow a bit better, this will become great. Oh, and add more substance to each chapter, that'd probably help too, it's kind of choppy.
Good Luck!
611248
If you could point out a few specific points, I can focus on them - when I read my own stuff, I can't really figure out what needs to be fixed. The next chapter's going to be pretty long, so I may as well have a side-project while I'm working.
And thanks for the feedback, glad you liked it!
611248
611675
*like
611677
An example would be the first dozen lines in chapter 6. It could be expanded upon considerably, while I do have a mental image of what's happening, the flow of dialogue is very choppy and the way you detail things inconsistent. Between the small paragraphs of details you give, are smaller action sentences which, while sometimes helps cut down on unnecessary dialogue, in this case makes it kind of glib and less informative than it could be.
611701
'Kay, I'll fix those up. Anything else standing out?
611677
Ermm.. I'll get back to you on that, if you want a comprehensive list i'll have to go back, do a doc on notepad and write down exactly what bugs me chapter by chapter :/
*Edit, It'll probably be in a half hour, maybe.
611726
If you don't mind.
611736
Actually, i'm not sure if it could fit in the comments section (not sure about character limit or if there even is one), do you have an immediate e-mail I could use? I'm done reviewing the first two chapters and nit-picking, so i guess i'll be done fairly soon.
605531 Doesn't the main character already have a human name though?
619550
th04.deviantart.net/fs70/150/f/2012/115/e/2/changeling_queen_shrugpony_by_bonk6-d4xk04r.png
A confusing clusterbuck.
I am just wondering when these newbie changelings are gonna surf the web?
I cannot simply wait to see their reactions, based on what we humans have created.
Hehe, most like what they think of our fanfics?
Or great leader Stalin and among other things.
And when is our military going to end Chrysalis's parade?
629793
Soon - I'm just procrastinating by writing a kinda-not-so-mini-chapter on the biology of a Changeling.
I'm listening to this on loop and suddenly feel motivated. HERE WE GO!
and now we have a force
dammit I was hoping for vim and vigor