Kingdom of Monsters
Chapter 3
Pride of Flame
Rainbow Dash couldn’t sleep. It felt like something was forcing her to stay awake. Why can’t I sleep. Rainbow asked her self. She needed to find out. If something is doing this, it would have to be in the Everfree. Rainbow Dash thought to herself as she burst out of the door.
Eclipse studied the markings carefully. Trying to determine what the other two did. One just completely stumped her. It seemed to require too much magic to work. The other one seemed to need magic from someone to activate it.
“Servant, come over here,” Eclipse said, even though the mind control broke during the transformation. Drain still did everything Eclipse told her to do.
“Yes, my queen,” Draintooth said as she flapped her new wings, bringing her over to Eclipse in seconds. Eclipse activated her magic then, suddenly they were teleported to a castle. This place is amazing, did master build this? Drain thought as she examined the black stones that made up majority of the building.
“I’ll have to check this place out later, another one of our friends seem to be entering the cave, and I would like to watch,” Right after Eclipse said this she opened a
magic viewing portal to look at the cave.
As Rainbow entered the cavern, she was struck with awe. The fire dancing in the torches were a wonderful site. There was a majestic sphere hanging in mid-air with indents along its surface. It was almost begging to be touched. Nothing bad will happen if I touch it. The pegasus thought as she moved towards it. When her hoof touched the sphere, it was like her entire body froze, she needed to heat up. As if to answer her call. Spikes shot out from the indents, some empailing Rainbow. Then all she knew was heat. Her body crumpled into ash. Leaving her soul to burn. The ash reformed making new wings and armour. The rest was just a flame, kept in check by an invisible force.
As Eclipse reappeared back in the cavern. She asked, “How are you?” The Elemental didn’t know, she hated being transformed without her consent, but at the same time. It just felt so good. No, she couldn’t think like that. But why not? The elemental was torn. On the border of light and dark. As her thoughts transformed, so did part of her body. Two eyes made of blue flame formed, she gained a helmet that had a mark of a burning rainbow. The element of loyalty was corrupted into the element of pride as she fell into darkness.
“I feel great my queen,” Replied the elemental. Rainbow Dash was Gone, now only Ashburn remained, and she was her to stay.
5049074 Your wish is my command
5048992 care to elaborate, cause I don't no what you mean.
CONTINUE THIS. NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!!
Sorry. My last comment was a little mean. So can you please continue this story?
5049097 Give me a day (hour)
What did Rainbow dash turn into?!
Why does this have a 14/1 ratio?
It's got tons of grammar errors, the paragraphs blend into a wall of text, and everything is just clunky. You don't denote thought from narration aside from italics, and Rainbow Dash has hands!
The AU tag doesn't exist to 'do whatever you want', you've gotta give it a good reason to be up there. Right now, it's not really AU, because you're looking at it from, quite frankly, a childish perspective. You show us the characters as they are on the show--if we were young enough to not dig into their character traits more than their surface personalities. Twilight reacts by reaching for a book, Dash is all full of herself and flying, Fluttershy is, well, shy, and Spike is the hum-drum assistant. You describe the vampire as an assassin. Can we see a fic where someone actually treats the creature as it should be? The 'assassin' vampire is a thing of action fantasy, a thing that resides in Magic: The Gathering and television shows. Not in a fanfic that brushes it off like fact. 'I'm a vampire, oh look, I can run fast, I must be an assassin.'
The transformations are just a meager sentence or two that barely give us a feel for what they look like. Yet even here you manage to go cliche. Fluttershy is a bat?
Because that hasn't been done beforeand I suppose props for the elemental Dash, but your descriptions are sorely lacking, as is your use of an editor.I fail to see where all the appreciation is coming from. This is going to need some work before I can consider changing my vote.
This... Needs a lot of work.
Also, why would you be the first to comment on your story? That's just strange...
Not bad but this story just about screams for an editor. With some help, I think this story could become awesome. And besides, we need more monsterpones
5050633 I know, I need one.
5051050 If you are doing this in response to the challenge at the end of the chapter, it means how I name the mane 6 after they transform. Oh, and none of those are right.
5051421
*blink blink* Unless you throw Luna, Celestia, and Dizzycord in there HOW ARE THOSE WRONG!!?? *Gets up and walks off* I AM RIGHT! ONE WAY OR ANOTHAH!! *Turns around* Oh you were very vague in what you meant at the end of the chapter.
So when is a new chapter going to be?
I don't exactly see a name pattern but let me guess, Rarity will become a succubus.
5052737 It is very faint, but it always has to do with thier previous name and what they transformed into.