Desire of Blood (rewritten)
Kingdom of Monsters
Chapter 2
Desire of Blood
Fluttershy looked around desperately for a particular herb. Angel was really sick, and she needed it to make some medicine for him. After searching for at least a hour, she still couldn't find some. Well, I don’t have any so I guess I have to go to... A shiver went down her spine. The Everfree Forest. As she walked into the forest, careful to stay on the path, she thought she saw a flash of bright red light in the distance. It was probably nothing. She thought as she ventured into the deeper and deeper into her final resting place
Eclipse spent some time fiddling around with her new body and powers. My snake half is extremely flexible. Eclipse mused as she twisted it around a torch. My magic seemed to have grown stronger as well. Eclipse looked over the markings on the walls. The runes told her that the purpose of the cave was to lead the Elements here, to be 'improved'. She figured that one of them was meant to retell information, another meant to comence the transformation itself, and last one seemed to pull the elements to this cave. Then the pool's grey-ish light seemed to disappear. That’s odd.Eclipse thought. Suddenly, the pool vanished in a flash of light, and in its place a blood red drinking cup appeared on a white pedestal. The cup had an elegant design on it, containg ruggedly graceful bat wings on a blood red, metallic cup. The next element must be coming. I guess I have a chance to test out my new powers. Eclipse thought, barely being able containing her excitement as she zipped around the corner.
Fluttershy was extremely afraid, although being very careful to stay on the path. That is, until she saw a bright red glow in the distance. It somehow overrided her fear, leading her towards the light, like a moth to a candle. As she entered the cave, her fear returned. She wanted to leave, but the three markings on the wall seemed to trap her in. She walked deeper into the cave when she heard something slithering around. She moved towards the noise to inspect it, but then she felt something rap around her hooves. She tried to move, but what she now knew as snake coils had already made their way up her body. She struggled and wriggled trying to free herself. Forcing Fluttershy to look Eclipse in the eyes, she activated her new power. Fluttershy seemed to melt in her coils, her mind becoming clay in Eclipse’s hooves. That was easy. Eclipse thought. Now then, let’s see what this power can do.
“Fluttershy, you will always do what I tell you,” Eclipse said.
“Always do what you tell,” Fluttershy replied in a zombie-like state.
“You will love me, you will trust me, you will obey me,” Eclipse commanded.
“Love, Trust, Obey,” Fluttershy said. Eclipse then released her hold on her mind.
“Now, go drink from that cup,” Eclipse commanded. Who ever set this up must have known that I would do this, otherwise Fluttershy would never have drunk from that cup. Kind of creepy.
“As you wish,” Fluttershy said.When she picked up the cup, she shivered. It glee faintly. The closer it got to her mouth, the stronger the glow. When it finally reached her mouth. It’s glow was strong enough to blind most. Fluttershy took her first sip, the mysterious, bitter and copper tasting liquid moving slowly down her throat. The second swallow seemed to go down more smoothly as well as taste better. After the third gulp, she was eager to get more. It just tasted so good. Who needs kindness when I have this? She felt her wings change, feathers falling out, being replaced by a thin membrane. The more her body changed, the less kindness she contained. Each feather falling off to reveal more and more of her bat wings. Her ears became that of a bat's as well as growing long, sharp fangs. Eclipse was amazed at the transformation. The mare’s change was very different than how she changed. It must be that her mind is, or rather was, stronger than mine.
When Fluttershy seemed to have stopped shape shifting, Eclipse asked, “How do you feel?”
“I...I don’t know,” The newly created vampire replied. Her body felt so... so...different. Eclipse watched as Fluttershy's coat darken to black and her eyes go from teal to red. What I am talking about, of course I know how I feel!
“You sure you don’t know,” Eclipse asked as she watched her closely. Then, right before the vampire was about to answer, a dark red light appeared on her flank. When the light faded, a new cutie mark had taken the place of her normal three butterflies. It was of a bat ripping through a butterfly.
“Yes my queen, I know how I feel,” the pony once known as Fluttershy finally said. (Eclipse noted the she called her queen.) “I feel amazing.” With that, the shy pegasus that used to be Fluttershy ceased to exist. In her place, the vampire known as Draintooth was born.
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5048679 anguemess shadow was the other one, but I changed it to make all of the names have a theme.
succubus or vamp?
5048857 Vamp
So who next?
5048909 michellebeard.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/spoilers.jpg
5048909 I will make the next chapter in about an hour, (I can't sleep)
I don't know about you...
5048932
Do you guys have any retort to me making actual chapter names?
5048917
Aw heeeelll naw.
5048965 I'm writing it right now, give me a hour and it should be done.
5048975
I meant don't give me that river song spoilers bullshit (it's funny, but I just don't like when it's used properly, you know what I mean?)
5048885 thanks
OMG! THIS IS GOOD! CONTINUE!
You might wanna get yourself a proof reader,
(someone that can correct the spelling mistakes before you release the chapters.)
The story would be alot more enjoyable with less typos :3
Its a great idea and nice story though.
You are thinking of the Lamia, spelled with an "a".
This line is misleading. It should say something like "Fluttershy woke up wrapped in scaly coils.
>with green being dominant
>Just like that, you're mine.
Do you have a betareader or an editor? Because you need one. I'll read the next chapter to see if it's any better, but I don't think I can keep reading with this many errors. It's like driving down a road filled with potholes.
OH, SO CHANGING INTO A HALF SNAKE THING ISN'T BECOMING A DIFFERENT FUCKING SPECIES.
Hm...not a BAD story, but it suffers from a severe issue. Even rewritten, it's kinda...
Rushed. Lacks length descriptions or characterization. Compared to the snakepony hypnofics I've been looking at by mightyshockwave and friends, it's...just lacking.
Darn shame, since it has a fun premise.
The cutie mark kinda bugs me now I wish you had done something else for it
Even if this specific story is rushed I want to see a good long story where Equestria is full of monsters instead of ponies mostly.