Wedding of the Millennium Ch.1
Written By: Eddy13
Proof Read By: FlutterDash7
In her cottage at the edge of Ponyville, Fluttershy was busy taking care of all her animal friends. She had to hurry because it wouldn’t be long before she went to see Twilight and the others over at Sugarcube Corner. She was looking forward to meeting her friends, it being one of the only social things she did.
"Angel Bunny," she said to her favorite rabbit as she held out a carrot to him, "Here's your lunch".
The small, white rabbit gladly took his meal and hopped off to eat it in privacy.
"Okay, who's next?" Fluttershy asked as she turned around, only to be greeted by a bright flash of light that filled her home, leaving a familiar creature standing in front of her.
“Howdee do, Fluttershy!”
“Hello, Discord.” the mare said happily “I’m afraid we can't have tea right now. I have to meet the others at Sugarcube Corner soon.”
“That’s okay,” the draconequus said cheerfully, “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.”
“What big news?” the yellow Pegasus asked.
“I’m getting married!” Discord cried, throwing his hands up into the air as confetti and streamers burst out of nowhere while the sound of noisemakers went off.
“Oh, my.” Fluttershy said happily. “Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. May I tell the others?”
“Why, of course.” Discord replied. “I hope you’ll all come. Oh, and Fluttershy, if it’s alright with you…I want you to be my Best Mare.”
“Oh my goodness.” Fluttershy said with wide eyes. “What an honor.”
“Well, considering you’re my closest friend, I couldn’t think of anypony better.” Discord said as he ruffled Fluttershy’s mane.
“I promise I’ll do my best.” Fluttershy said with a nod. “Oh, and if you don’t mind my asking, who are you marrying?”
Smirking, Discord leaned in and whispered into Fluttershy’s ear.
“Oh, my.” Fluttershy squeaked in surprise as Discord pulled away.
“I know, right?” Discord said excitedly. “Well, I gotta go. Have things to do before the big day. Ta!”
And with that, he disappeared in a flash of light, leaving Fluttershy bewildered and excited to tell her friends the news.
After finishing taking care of the rest of her animals, Fluttershy left her cottage and made her way to Sugarcube Corner. It wasn’t long before she reached her destination. Upon entering, she found her friends already inside, sitting at a table.
“Hi, girls.” she said softly as she waved to them.
“Hey, Flutters.” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Hey, Rainbow.”
“How are you doing, dear?” Rarity asked.
“Oh, just fine, Rarity.”
“Hey there, sugarcube.” Applejack responded.
“Hi, Fluttershy.” Twilight said.
“Hello, Applejack, Twilight.”
“I was wondering when you would get here.” Pinkie Pie called out. “For a while, I thought you weren’t going to show.”
“Oh, sorry,” Fluttershy said apologetically, “I was busier than I thought I would be.”
“No worries. The important thing is that you’re here now.” Pinkie Pie replied. “Now then, how about some snacks?”
“Yeah!” the others agreed. With that, Pinkie Pie bounced happily into the kitchen and came back out with a large platter full of goodies carefully balanced on her head.
“So, does anypony have anything new to talk about?” Rarity inquired as Pinkie set the platter on the table.
“Oh, yeah.” Rainbow Dash said proudly. “Guess who happens to be the new leader of the Wonderbolt Reserves?”
Everypony except Pinkie gasped, who was pondering Dash’s question.
“I give up.” she said with a shrug. “Who?”
“It’s me, Pinkie!” Dash answered happily. “They were proud of how well I passed my test.”
“Oh, Rainbow!” Fluttershy responded excitedly as she threw her hooves around Dash in a hug. “We’re so happy for you!”
This sweet gesture caused Rainbow to momentarily blush, only for it to quickly dissipate while she returned the hug to her foalhood friend.
“Yeah, congratulations.” Twilight agreed. “You really deserve it.”
“I concur.” Rarity imputed.
“You said it.” Applejack said.
“This calls for a celebration!” Pinkie cried excitedly as she hopped back to the kitchen. “I’m getting more snacks!”
“Thanks, everypony.” Rainbow said as she and Fluttershy parted before she looked to Twilight. “What about you? How’s the new ‘Princess of Friendship’ doing?
“Pretty well.” Twilight said. “Spike and I are still getting used to living in the castle. Of course, it won’t be the same as the library.”
“I know, dear.” Rarity said consolingly. “We all had good memories at that place.”
“I still can’t believe that meanie Tirek blew it up.” Pinkie said sourly.
“Yeah, that treehouse was as close to us as the Elements of Harmony were.” Applejack said. “However, we’ll always have the memories of the good times we had there. And we can always make new memories at your new home.”
“She’s right.” Rarity said.
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie added.
“Oh, yes indeed.” Fluttershy spoke.
“We’ll have the best times ever at the castle.” Rainbow said.
Twilight smiled. “Thanks, girls.”
“So, are you going to have some guards at your new castle?” Dash asked.
“I suppose I should.” Twilight answered with a shrug. “It would only seem logical for a princess to have royal guards.”
“That’s the spirit, girl.” Rarity said before turning to the group. “Anypony else have something to say?”
The moment Rarity said that, Fluttershy recalled her morning encounter with Discord.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I have good news.” she said excitedly. “Discord’s getting married.”
The reaction was instantaneous. Rainbow Dash, who had been eating a cupcake, nearly choked upon hearing Fluttershy’s announcement. Applejack, meanwhile, fell over in her chair in surprise. At the same time, Rarity was shocked to the point that she passed out, only to be caught by an equally shocked Twilight. Pinkie Pie’s response nearly caused her to drop the platter she was carrying. Fortunately, she quickly righted herself.
After managing to swallow her mouthful, Rainbow Dash was the first to talk.
“Could you repeat that, Fluttershy?” she asked after gasping for air. “It sounded like you said Discord is getting married.”
“I did say that.” the demure pony replied. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
“Discord is getting married?” Rainbow asked with a raised eyebrow while the others were equally perplexed. “As in ‘Former Lord of Chaos’ Discord?”
“Why do you seem to have a problem believing this?” Fluttershy asked.
“No offense to you, dear.” Rarity said. “It’s just we’re having a hard time seeing Discord as a groom.”
“Yeah.” Applejack commented. “He doesn’t seem like the marrying type.”
“Well, I was surprised myself.” Fluttershy admitted. “However, I learned it straight from him, and I don’t think he would lie to me, not after that business with Tirek.”
“I still find it a bit hard to believe.” Applejack said. “I mean, a creature that’s a rookie at friendship finding love? Immediately after he learned an important lesson about friendship? How does that happen?”
“I don’t know.” Twilight pointed out. “After the whole thing with Tirek, it seems he’s really learned the importance of friendship. It would only seem logical that he would try to seek out the next level in a relationship."
“Well, in any case, I think it’s kind of sweet.” Fluttershy said. “Oh, and I didn’t tell you the rest. He wants me to be his Best Mare”.
“Really?” Rainbow asked in surprise. “Wow. Way to go, Flutters.”
“That truly is a big honor.” Twilight said fondly. “I remember when Shining asked me to be his Best Mare.”
“Indeed. We are really happy for you, deary.” Rarity said while Pinkie Pie and Applejack nodded in agreement. “Oh, I don’t believe you’ve told us something. Who’s the 'lucky mare' who Discord is marrying?”
Blushing profusely, Fluttershy steadied herself before speaking.
“It’s, uh…” the rest trailed off as a murmur.
“I’m sorry, we didn’t hear that.” Rainbow Dash said. “Could you say that again, but a little louder?”
Fluttershy steadied herself again before speaking again. It was still soft, but not enough that the others couldn’t hear two words.
“Princess Celestia.”
“WHAT?!!” Twilight yelled in surprise. “Princess Celestia is marrying Discord?!”
“Yes.” Fluttershy replied with a nod.
“How in Equestria did that happen?” Twilight wondered. “For one thing, even though he’s nearly completely reformed, he was her mortal enemy for over a thousand years. And even if they started a relationship after that gesture he gave her during the celebration of our victory over Tirek, it was only a few weeks ago.”
“Wow, one bouquet of flowers and suddenly, they’re all over you.” Rainbow commented.
“It was surprising enough that Discord is getting married.” Applejack said as she shook her head in astonishment, “But that he’s getting married to Celestia?”
“Yeah.” Pinkie Pie said as she pointed at Fluttershy, “I was expecting it to be you!”
“Oh.” Fluttershy said nervously. “Discord’s a nice friend, alright. But he’s just not my type.”
“Thank Celestia for that.” Rainbow Dash muttered to herself, a scowl on her face due to the idea of the concept Pinkie brought up.
“Still.” Twilight said as she got up from her seat, “I’d like to ask Princess Celestia about this. I’m going to Canterlot.”
“We’ll come with you.” Rarity immediately said. “I believe we’d all like some answers to this.” Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack nodded in agreement.
“While I already believe it, can I come too?” Fluttershy asked.
“You know you don’t need to ask something like that.” Rarity said. “We’d love for you to come.”
"Oh, sorry." Fluttershy replied nervously.
"You don't need to do that either, Flutters." Rainbow said with a playful shake of her head.
“Alright, then it’s settled.” Twilight said as she lead the group out the door. “We’re heading for Canterlot.”
Since taking the train would take too long, and flying while carrying Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie would take its toll on Twilight and Fluttershy, the group of six decided to use Twilight’s teleportation spell. In a matter of seconds, they reached Canterlot.
"Ooh, my head." Rainbow Dash groaned as she held a hoof to her forehead, her eyes spinning. "I don't know how you and Discord can stand all that popping around, Twilight."
"I guess it's just something we're use to." Twilight said with a shrug before pushing the doors open with her magic. "Now come on."
Upon entering the palace, the group found Celestia talking to one of her guards, but upon seeing the group, she dismissed him before turning her attention to them.
“Twilight, hello.” she greeted the group with a smile. “What brings you and your friends here?”
“Fluttershy has told us some…interesting news.” Twilight said uneasily. “Is it true?”
“That I’m getting married to Discord?” The princess of the sun asked before nodding. “Yes.”
“Uh, no offense.” Rainbow Dash perked up, “But did he put a love spell on you?”
Celestia chuckled. “No, I am not under an enchantment. My feelings for Discord are completely genuine.”
“But this does seem a bit out of the blue.” Twilight said. “How did you fall in love with him so fast?”
“Actually, it’s not as sudden as you think.” Celestia said as she stood up. “I think it’s time I told you the whole story about my past with Discord. Come with me.”
Following Celestia, Twilight and the others were soon led into the hall of historic mural windows where they could talk in private.
“Believe it or not, Discord wasn’t always the monster he was when you first met him.” Celestia began.
While the others were shocked, Fluttershy said “I have no problem believing that.”
“Thank you, Fluttershy.” Celestia said with a smile before continuing her tale. “You see, a long time ago, back when Luna and I were fillies, we knew Discord differently than you did. While he was always the personification of chaos, he wasn’t always the embodiment of disharmony.”
"But how could he be the spirit of chaos and not be evil?” Twilight asked befuddled.
“Chaos doesn’t have to be evil.” Celestia explained. “You’ve seen the good use for Discord’s magic, right? Well, when we were young, Discord would use his magic to make Luna and I laugh, pulling playful pranks and performing harmless fun. In all honesty, he was almost like Pinkie Pie, using his powers to bring happiness to us and all of Equestria.”
Pinkie Pie was left in wonder at the realization that she had more in common with Discord than she thought, while Twilight was left in deep thought.
“Wait, so…he was your friend?” she asked.
“He was a friend to Luna.” Celestia said as she reminisced with a smile. “But to me…he was my first crush.”
Twilight and the others gasped at this revelation, while Fluttershy raised a hoof.
“But Discord said I was the first friend he ever had.” she said. “How can he not remember his friendship with you?”
“I’m getting to that.” Celestia said as she continued her story. “As Discord and I grew up together, my crush on him also grew and eventually blossomed into actual love, which, to my delight, he returned with just as much passion. It wasn’t long before he became my consort and I felt happier than I ever did in all my life. Unfortunately, just before we were to wed, tragedy struck."
"What happened?" Fluttershy asked nervously.
Celestia sighed before continuing. "Much like what happened to my sister, a mysterious dark force claimed him and consumed his heart, erasing his memories of his past and turning him into the creature you first encountered.”
“Oh, no.” Fluttershy said with tears in her eyes. “That’s terrible.”
“Indeed.” Celestia agreed with a frown, remembering the moment when Discord first looked at her with a sinister glint in his eyes. “Discord then used his magic to torment Equestria and turn it into his own twisted kingdom. I had no choice but to stop him”.
“So you and Princess Luna went to the Tree of Harmony to get the Elements.” Twilight said, it all coming together.
Celestia nodded sadly. “As much as I didn’t want to do it, the safety of my subjects came first. I tried to comfort myself by saying he was no longer the Discord I loved.”
“Wow. Having to fight the love of your life and your sister?” Applejack asked surprised. “Man, you’ve had a hard life. I never would’ve suspected.”
“I have had a long time to practice hiding my true feelings from my subjects.” Celestia said regretfully.
“Still, why didn’t you tell us this before when Discord first broke free?” Twilight asked.
“Would you have fought him if you knew the whole story?” Celestia inquired.
Twilight’s ear flattened. “Guess not. Still, I never thought I’d say this, but I actually feel sorry for Discord.”
“Indeed.” Rarity added. “Not being able to remember his past before becoming evil? How horrible.”
“Makes me feel bad about the way I’ve acted around him.” Applejack said solemnly as she took off her Stetson.
“Poor Discord.” Pinkie Pie commented.
Fluttershy, meanwhile, was crying, with Rainbow Dash comforting her. “Th-That’s the saddest story I...I ever heard!”
A thought then came to Twilight. “Is that the real reason you asked us to reform him? To try and get the old Discord back?”
Celestia nodded. “For a long time, I thought the Discord I knew was lost forever, until I saw that his manipulative tongue had no effect on Fluttershy.”
“Yeah, she told us about that.” Rainbow pointed out before ribbing her fellow Pegasus. “You got under his skin instead of the other way around. Way to go!” It was then she realized what she said and turned to Celesia nervously. “Uh, sorry.”
“I understand.” Celestia said before continuing. “Anyway, it was then that I believed that Fluttershy could be the key to bringing back the good in Discord, even though he still didn’t remember his past. For a while, it seemed to have worked, and part of me hoped that maybe he would become interested in me again. But then I lost that hope for a while…”
“When he sided with Tirek.” Twilight imputed.
“Having the love of your life betray you twice must’ve really stung.” Applejack figured.
“Yes.” Celestia said with a sad nod. “During that time, I truly thought we would never be together." She then perked up. "However, my hope was restored when you helped him realize the error of his ways and I was glad to sense that the good within him had grown stronger. Then much to my surprise, he gave me that gesture that you all witnessed during the celebration of Tirek’s defeat. For the next few weeks after that, we went on a number of dates, and I'm sure you can figure out what it lead to. The rest is history.”
“So you didn’t just fall in love with him.” Twilight surmised. “You fell back in love with him.”
“To tell the truth, Twilight.” Celestia said with a smile as a tear ran down her cheek. “I never stopped loving him.”
“Wow.” Twilight said in amazement. “I was pretty shocked when Fluttershy told us, but now that I know the whole story, I actually feel happy for you and Discord. Congratulations to both of you.”
“Yeah, congratulations.” Applejack imputed.
“I hope you both will be happy.” Rarity said as she bowed.
“You said it, Rarity.” Pinkie Pie added as she bounced up and down.
“Never expected I’d be happy to see you and Discord together.” Rainbow said with a smile.
“While I was already happy for you both.” Fluttershy said cheerfully, “Now that I know the whole story, I feel even happier for you”.
“Thank you all.” Celestia said before turning to Fluttershy. “I take it Discord has asked you to be his Best Mare?”
“Oh, yes,” Fluttershy said with a nod, “And I accept. It would be an honor to take part in such a role on your special day.”
“Thank you, Fluttershy.” Celestia said with a smile.
“Are the rest of us invited to the wedding?” Rarity asked.
“Actually, I was going to send a message to Twilight about that, but it's more fortunate you all came here.” Celestia said.
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.
"While Fluttershy is the Best Mare, I was hoping to ask the rest of you if you wouldn't mind assuming the duties you performed during Shining Armor and Cadence’s wedding.” Celestia explained.
Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie gasped.
“You want me to do another Sonic Rainboom?!” Dash asked excitedly. “You got it!”
“I’ll make sure I’ve got the best food for the reception.” Applejack complied.
“Which itself will be amazing!” Pinkie added happily as she performed another set of bounces.
Rarity, meanwhile, was overwhelmed. “I get to design a wedding dress…f-for…Princess...Celestia?!” she gasped before letting out a sigh and fainting to the floor, an excited look on her face.
“I think she’d be delighted.” Pinkie stated simply.
As Applejack and Pinkie helped Rarity to her feet, Twilight spoke up.
“I’d be honored to help organize the event.” she said with a bow.
“Thank you, Twilight.” Celesita replied. “However, I’d also like you to do something else.”
“What is it?” Twilight asked curiously.
“I want you to perform the ceremony.”
Needless to say, Twilight was astounded as her friends all gasped in amazement.
“Y-You want me to perform the ceremony?” she asked surprised.
“Since you are a princess, you are capable of performing such a task.” Celesita pointed out.
“Yes, but why me?” Twilight asked nervously. “Why not Princess Luna?”
“Because my sister has already chosen me to be her Mare of Honor.” Luna replied as she came up behind them. “And I don’t think she’d request you to perform this task if she didn’t feel you were up to it.”
“Still, I haven’t had any experience at performing wedding ceremonies.” Twilight said uneasily. “I’m still adjusting to my new princess title.”
“Hey, you can do it, Twi.” Rainbow Dash said enthusiastically. “You’ve gotten use to bigger experiences than this.”
“She’s right, Twilight.” Fluttershy said.
“Yeah.” chorused Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie.
Twilight smiled at her friends before turning back to Celestia. “I’ll do it. When I’m not organizing things, I’ll be researching how to perform a wedding ceremony. I just hope I have a book on that.”
“I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Celestia said confidently.
“Ooh, this is so exciting!” Pinkie cried as she continued to bounce up and down. “This will be even bigger than Shining Armor and Cadence’s wedding!”
“Yeah, well, let’s just hope Chrysalis and the changelings don’t crash it this time.” Applejack commented.
“Not to worry.” Celestia said comforting. “I’ve gotten reports that the changelings are far away from Equestria. But even still, I’ll have Shining Armor constantly on guard and his protective spell will be reinforced with Discord’s magic. And just in case, you are all free to suspect something if I act differently.”
That got a laugh out of everypony before Rarity turned to Celestia and asked “So, when is the wedding?”
“In one week.” Celestia replied.
“Wow.” Twilight said surprised. “That doesn’t give us a lot of time, but we should be ready for it. We better get home so we can start preparing. Bye, Princess Celestia.”
And with that, Twilight and her friends left to return to Ponyville and prepare for the big event in seven days.
Wow, great representation on Celestia. Most people can't get her correctly, but you can!
4417396
And the funny thing is, this is my first time writing her.
I love Celestia in this fic she is so much like the Princess in the show I wonder if this actually could happen in the show
Omigerd yes !
Where is spike in all this? I mean isn't celestial sorta kinda his adopted mom, remembered I heard that somewhere
4418225
Don't worry. He'll appear soon.
YES YES YES YES A DISCELESTIA MARRIAGE STORY YAY~
...
*ahem* Ok, enough freaking out, lemme get all judgemental on you. (Sorry, but if you wanna turn into a good author, you need some criticism, buddy!) Now, let's see, first thing's first---
[1] Your pacing. It's good, yes, but it could be better. At some points in the story, it's a bit fast. I'm gonna see if you can point it out yourself by rereading this chapter a few times, then go compare it to a book you have. Borrow some techniques to slow things down a notch.
[2] Your dialogue: PERFECT! It's not often I actually hear the voices of the Mane Six in my head when I read a fanfic. (Shaddup, I'm not crazy.)
[3] The backstory, sweet and simple. Nice job on that. Despite your pacing issue, it all suddenly halted on that and it flowed nicely.
All in all, I'll give this a 2.5 out of 5 so far. I look forward to CH2!
4417823
Do you mean Celestia and Discord getting married in the cartoon? Who knows? There's no telling what kind of surprises await us in Season Five.
4419172
Glad you like the story so far and thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll try and make the pace flow better. Glad you think everyone sounded in character. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep it up. I'm quite proud of the backstory. It's something I've had for awhile. I figured it was the only way that a past relationship between Celestia and Discord could fit into canon, with the added bonus of making Discord seem more sympathetic. Besides, didn't you ever wonder if Celestia had an ulterior motive for wanting Discord reformed besides a practical use for his magic? Hopefully, it won't be long before the second chapter is up, but with it being my birthday week, I'll be a bit busy. Still, thanks again!
4419355 It's not a problem at all, I'm always willing to help.
sooooooooooooooooooooo gooooooooood :DD cant wait for the next chapter
Finally! Someone who gets the true meaning of the greatness that is chaos!
Lovin the story! Can't wait for the wackiness to come!
4419172 I aggree!
“Here there, sugarcube” Applejack responded.
Hey
(Did you mean Hey here? Or i'm I just crazy?)
4422183
Sorry, typo. Thanks for pointing it out.
4422291 Its what I do!
4421818
Well, I've heard so many times that dark doesn't have to be evil, so I figured the same could be said about chaos.
4425284 Yeah, Chaos is neither good or evil. It's Both! Ha! See what i did there?
4425284 Exactly! It's always nice to see a brother of true chaos!
4419358
I've made a few changes: a couple of additional lines to the beginning as well as some adjectives to some of the lines involving Celestia. Tell me what you think.
Wow, Celestia... Her past is just so..so sad!
Here, have a spike
4429302
Yeah, I'd say having to turn the love of her life to stone AND banishing her own sister to the moon would definitely count as the two most tragic moments in her life. Fortunately, her future is looking a lot brighter. Glad you like the story so far. There's more to come!
4429530 This fantastic! I loved every bit of it! If you want. I could draw a cover for you
Please continue to write more amazing stories!
4454035
Thanks! Go for it! And don't worry, the second chapter is currently in the works.
4454550 I'm glad!
Very cute start, I'll be interested to see what you do with the rest of it.
The one criticism I would give is that you need to work a bit more on "show don't tell," but that's a technique that many people have trouble with early on. It's something that just takes a little practice to improve, so the more you write the better you will get at it. I will certainly keep an eye on this fic.
4484791
Thanks for the comment. I'm not use to describing actions for MLP works, but I will improve on it. Glad you're deciding to keep an eye on this story. The second chapter is currently being proof read so it shouldn't be too much longer before it's up. Oh, and just to give you a head's up, there will be FlutterDash as a side pairing in the story. Being you're an AppleDash fan, I thought I should tell you. Hopefully, that won't be enough to push you away.
4484855
Nah, no worries, I had already picked up on the FlutterDash hints. I'm super chill with shipping, so I can appreciate other people's ships. There are very few pairings that will outright turn me away from something.
Okay, finally getting around to commenting. I actually read this a while ago (with my cellphone on my lunch break at work) but didn't leave a comment then. So here goes.
You've got the basics. The writing isn't spectacular, but it isn't bad either - I didn't have to cringe even once while reading this. That's always a good thing, so we could say that your writing is decent/good. The characters are written in a believable way, so IC achieved. The plot itself looks promising and you've got some good ideas going there.
Now, here's some problems I picked up:
-You have problems setting up the mood. There's some attempts to do so, but to me everything just kind of happens and ponies react to it some and then they move on without any lasting feelings left. I suppose your writing relies a little too much on dialogue and leaves out the things that happen in the background and help us readers feel like we're witnessing an actual scene rather than listening to a phone conversation. So maybe take a little more time in describing things that happen, like the facial expressions, the gestures and body language, possibly the thoughts of any possible POV character, and give the readers (and the characters) a moment to grasp the situation before moving on.
-Ponies talk when they don't need to talk. With this, I mostly refer to the scenes where you have multiple characters and every time somepony says something important you go out of your way to have each and every supporting character give a short reply to it. Maybe sometimes you could just give a little description along the lines of "The others gave her words of approval and little nods" or "The girls looked excited about the news and congratulated her, much to her delight". It would make the conversations flow better because unnecessities would be cut out and make the important things stand out.
-Your beta has mostly caught the possible grammar mistakes and typos (not all though), but there's one consistent error going on: there's supposed to be a comma after the dialogue pieces and before telling us who said the thing, and before the dialogue continues if it does. Here, let me show you:
“That’s okay” the draconequus said cheerfully “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- wrong.
“That’s okay,” the draconequus said cheerfully, “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- right.
“That’s okay”, the draconequus said cheerfully, “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- another way of doing it right.
I think those are your most pressing issues that you might want to work on Also, keep up the writing, you'll get the hang of it eventually, but only if you practise! Reading other fics and books also helps.
4497122
I took your advice and corrected the grammar. Hopefully, you'll find it better now. I'm also on the look out for a second proofreader as well as an editor. So far, I've got two candidates for each job. Hopefully, the rest of the story will be appealing to you.
This was super awesome!!! Can't wait to read the rest!
Not really sure if you care or not, but there's something wrong here:
Where's the southern accent?
None of her dialogue shows the accent. Granted, this was a while ago, so I suppose it's passable. I'm just nitpicky, I guess.
Show don't tell.
~ Wywint
The cuteness of the first chapter! I'm going to keep reading! This is too cute!