"Hey, are you alright?"
I think someone is saying something, but I'm not sure. Anyway, even if there is, it probably isn't important enough for me to stand up and give the speaker my attention. Besides, I am perfectly comfortable lying down and resting my eyes, and there is absolutely no reason for me to move from this position. Right now, I doubt that even food can tempt me to fully awaken. Mmm... food. Thoughts of pepperoni pizza float through my foggy mind. Maybe, just maybe, someone could convince me to move if they gave me some pizza. But only if it had pepperoni on top. And bacon. And sausage. But unless someone gives me that pizza, I am staying right here.
"Is she dead?" An annoying, loud, high-pitched voice rudely interrupts my peaceful daydreaming, followed by a series of... footsteps? The sound is sort of similar to footsteps, but footsteps aren't quite as... sharp. It sounds as if a lady in high heels is stomping across a hard tile floor.
"I don't know, Star. I can try asking, I guess." The footstep-y sounds come closer. "Um, excuse me, but are you, like, dead?" Vaguely, I realize that the voice is talking to me. Am I dead? I don't think so, but what if I am? Am I some sort of awesome ghost? No, I think I'm alive. I should probably signal to them that I'm alive, but that would require me to actually DO something.
Ugh, this is not fun. I have always been rather lazy, and right now was no exception. But if I don't let them know that I am alive, they might bury me alive in the middle of nowhere, so I guess I'll just have to communicate to them that I am still living. With great difficulty, I pry one of my caked-shut eyelids open. At first the bright light blinds me, but as my eyes adjust, I begin to make out my surroundings. Bright colors, trees, and... WHAT?! Ponies. Three bright, colorful horse-thingies with freakishly huge eyes and tattooed butts. There's a white one, a green one, and a tan one. By the looks of it, all of them are girls. One of them has her head tilted to the side, as if carefully examining me. They all have crazy hair, large ears, and did I mention that they have huge eyes? Even crazier, one of the three ponies staring down at me, the white one, has wings. Yep, I know what I am dealing with. These ponies are from one of my all-time favorite cartoons. My Little Pony: Friendship is magic.
Confused, I jump to my feet, almost fully awake now. Well, try to, anyway. Suddenly clumsy , I trip over my hooves and fall flat on my face. Wait a second... I have HOOVES?! I lift my face off of the ground, twist my neck around and stare at them in disbelief. How do ponies even use these things? They're nothing more than stumps! In the show, ponies are always picking things up and holding things with their hooves, but seeing them in... real life (what can I even call this? It's a cartoon!) had me all confused as to how these things could possibly work. As the last bit of drowsiness clears away, reality hits me. I have hooves, which means that I must be...
I open my mouth and scream.
...a pony.
*****
The three fillies stare at me and blink a lot before turning to each other and having a whispered conversation. I can only catch little snippets of it, but its enough to know that they are talking about me.
"What is wrong with that pony?"
"I don't know, Star Shine."
"Why did she scream like that?"
The white pony glances at me before answering. "Shh, she can probably hear us."
Wait, she? I am clearly a guy! I am insulted. I am the most manly guy, or so I like to think, in the entire 9th grade at my school. But what if... no. I will not think about it. If I was a guy a as a human, than I must be a guy as a pony, too. There is absolutely no way I could be a filly. Those fillies probably have bad eyesight or something. I need to set things straight.
I carefully position my forehooves underneath my furry blue-green body and attempt to push myself up to what counts as a standing position for ponies. I fall flat on my face again.
"Um, guys?" I ask in my quiet, high pitched voice. A girl's voice. No no, just a sore throat or something. I am NOT a filly! "Can someone lend me a hand here?"
The three fillies abruptly stop their whispered conversation and three pairs of unnaturally large eyes focus on me. One of them whispers, "She talks!"
"What's a ha-end?" Star Shine asks. "Whatever it is, I've never heard of it. I don't think I have any of those, sorry."
"Um, I mean, a hoof. Can somebo- I mean, somepony, lend me a hoof? I can't get up."
The white pegasus trots over to me and holds out her hoof.
"It's not that hard to get up. Are you hurt or something?" I just roll my eyes and attempt to grasp her hoof with mine. How is it even possible? I really wish I had fingers.
"By the way, my name is Snow Crystal. What's yours?"
The three ponies stare expectantly at me as I somehow succeed in my endeavors to use Snow's hoof to pull myself off of the ground. Wow, ponies blink a lot.
"Um..." I don't know how to respond. I could tell them my real name, Nick, but that doesn't sound very ponylike. I need a new name, a pony name. I'm slightly panicking now and glancing around frantically, hoping that my surroundings will give me an idea. I'm clearly outdoors, and right next to the Everfree Forest. I see a berry bush off to my right and flowers to my left.
"My name is...Berry Blossom. I'm... not from around here."
"Well, Berry Blossom... Welcome to Ponyville! Well, the very edge of Ponyville, but still!"
Not bad; I'll have to keep an eye on this one and see how it develops.
The rules concerning when to use numerals instead of writing out numbers are different depending on who ("whom" is dying out, don't give me that nonsense) you ask, but to play it safe: if it can be said as one word, spell it out. There are exceptions, of course, but it's easy enough to follow.
Needs to describe more about the surroundings at ***** also to describe the individual characterstics of each filly beyond "crazy hair, large ears, etc." Also describe the situation Nick is in, where she woke up, and maybe hint at how she got here. Like they're in a crater or something. Or she's at the base of an old oak with mystical significance. Or there's some madpony running away cackling at the top of his lungs. Answer questions that someone would have if they were reading your story up to that point. If you don't know any answers, and you're just writing a story so Nick gets to be a little filly and introduced to each of the main cast, then just answer randomly, so you'll have plot points later when you want them. But don't leave it so bare.
when they ask for information of were from "she" could always says she from a place with many other species then just ponies living together in a community if they ask were "she" could just say moved a lot so no great memory of the name of place's and location all the time or when they ask why "she" says her strange terms like everybody or other human term "she" just say force of habit side there not that strange and alien there more neutral to include other species then pony terms it not a big deal anyway side question is why would he proclaim his species at all? if you can't prove it without being labeled insane or deranged but worse adult not taking you serious and complimented on "her" wild imagination.
in the prolong you said luna gonna threaten this adult in a weak child body in a helpless situation with gender confusing moral crisis and culture shock sounds kind of... cruel odd don't they have better things to do and more serious issues and bigger more dangerous threats then are one individual?
plus im curious to the build up of fluttershy hating "her" and meat and hating nature and certain animals better not be the answer I hope it a big situation that lead to something were are main character make an honest bad choice mistake with consequence.
4170773 Oops, I always forget about that. Thanks for pointing that out!
4170938 I'm definitely going back and adding more to the surroundings and the characters, but I'm going to do more explaining as to how Nick ended up as a filly later in the story.
4173928
No problem. Thanks for considering me!
The first chapter is decent for a HiE, or for any story. You did have some dialog errors, but after spending hours upon countless hours on this site, I don't mind them that much. Another topic, the first sentence has an error in it too. You use "alright", when it should be "all right". "Alright" should never be used if you're trying to be grammatically correct. Now if the mane character doesn't care about grammar and if it's from first person, like it is, then the "alright" would kind of be correct. But, on the other hoof, I'm guessing this is a self-insert (just taking shots in the dark), since most HiE's are self-inserts. If it is, then I'm guessing you, even as a character, would care about grammar, so I'd go with "all right" in this situation.
Like Lab mentioned before, this should be written as "ninth" instead of the "9th" you have. Mainly because, like the number you used to have, it can easily be made into a word. If it was 1258th, then the number would be okay.
I've also noticed that when you want to draw out a word, YOU PUT IT IN ALL CAPS LIKE I'M DOING HERE. Don't do that. Make it in italics. I know that if you're writing this in Microsoft Word, you don't have to use the [i ] [/ i] thing, but the ALL CAPS would be incorrect.
Now, I'm going to read on and see where you go with this story. And once I've read the most recently added chapter, I'll give my full, honest opinion on it. Oh, and what's with the sudden OCs? I expected one of the mane six or at least a background pony to find him... or her... that's confusing.
4771058 Here I am, responding to your comment... 5 months later. I'm so bad at time management...
Thanks for your feedback. I've done what you suggested, but to be honest, I'm considering just scrapping the whole story. There's too many OC's, no plot development, and pretty horrible grammar. Besides that, I haven't published a chapter in almost half a year.
I dunno. What do you think? I used to have a pre-reader who would answer all of my questions, but he's gone now.
Just make some noise. Some incoherent mumbling. They only need a sound to know you are not dead. Opening your eyes wasn't exactly necessary!
If I was a guy
aas a human,(Crystal... Hoof! Crystal Hoof.)
The Berry Blossom thing immediately reminded me of that episode.
8748109
My name? Um... Pea... Uh, tear, ummm.... gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin!