The Cutie Mark Crusaders accidentally make Equestria more than a little bit kinkier when they find an old rite and unleash it upon the country. Now the sisters are feeling hungry, the subjects more than a little horny, and they're feeling freaky
way to drag it out. I got bored enough waiting for the story to get on with the happenings that I gave up and skipped to the end. Pacing was so slow a snail could beat it.
I like the ideas, but this was a little hard to follow as I wasn't 100% on who was doing what to whom most of the time. More detail was needed. For example, I don't think you even said that Luna penetrated Twilight before it suddenly happened. This got better later on, but it was still distracting for the first half. In the future, as a general rule, state the name of the person/pony doing the action at the beginning of each paragraph, no matter how small. You keep saying 'she' despite the fact that there are three females doing things, sometimes all in the same paragraph, so you'll understand the confusion. While I hope you decide to continue, as there aren't enough good vore stories on this site, I equally hope that you'll write this out on Microsoft Word first as it should catch a lot of the little mistakes I noticed here and there. And while Bleeding could have said it better, the story does drag on after a bit. Maybe transformation is your thing, and that's what you were trying to convey, but for me I was hoping for them to just transform so that Luna could do something with them as quickly as possible.
Entince!
way to drag it out. I got bored enough waiting for the story to get on with the happenings that I gave up and skipped to the end. Pacing was so slow a snail could beat it.
Whoah....just....whoah
I don't get it. What exactly is The Spell? And will it also affect non-pony creatures like Spike?
5248569 The Spell lets everypony in equestria act out every vore-esque fetish with no consequences.
I like the ideas, but this was a little hard to follow as I wasn't 100% on who was doing what to whom most of the time. More detail was needed. For example, I don't think you even said that Luna penetrated Twilight before it suddenly happened. This got better later on, but it was still distracting for the first half.
In the future, as a general rule, state the name of the person/pony doing the action at the beginning of each paragraph, no matter how small. You keep saying 'she' despite the fact that there are three females doing things, sometimes all in the same paragraph, so you'll understand the confusion.
While I hope you decide to continue, as there aren't enough good vore stories on this site, I equally hope that you'll write this out on Microsoft Word first as it should catch a lot of the little mistakes I noticed here and there.
And while Bleeding could have said it better, the story does drag on after a bit. Maybe transformation is your thing, and that's what you were trying to convey, but for me I was hoping for them to just transform so that Luna could do something with them as quickly as possible.