Part One: New Arrivals
two dark figures were watching a monitor, observing as some "events" were unfolding in a grassy clearing. the event in question was pinkish-white alicorn and a purple unicorn being in distress over a crazed looking griffin assaulting a human.
which was very, VERY odd. as humans aren't native to this particular world.
the woman sitting in her chair chortled lightly as the alicorn screaming bloody murder at the griffin, and, the unicorn was in tears. the human looked severely injured, barely even conscience. the griffin looked ready to kill him.
"is this LIVE?" questioned the woman
"yes, my lady." replied the other female
"then, I've seen enough."
the second female eyed the woman. "Ma'am??"
"set coordinates, and engage warp..it's time to make ourselves known to the locals."
the second female nodded. "yes, mistress..as you command."
**************
Never before had Celestia been so distressed in her hundred years of life.
she had thought that today would be a 'perfect day' to take a stroll in the park with her apprenctice, and her dear son.
to spend some time with Onyx, and come to terms with the apparent relationship that he was sharing with Twilight.
..but, she was WRONG. somehow, the griffin emperor who "kidnapped" her son so many years ago, and tortured him for ten years had breached Canterlot.
his attack came without warning..so fast, that neither her, nor Twilight had time to react.
Now, her son..her most precious treasure was unconscious, and at the mercy of a true sadist who made no secret of wanting his head as a trophy.
and, she was powerless to do anything about it, as the emperor had the foresight to his guards with stones that nullified her magic.
the normally calm and controlled princess..was at wit's end.
"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!!!" shouted Celestia, angry tears in her eyes
the griffin emperor just smirked, Celestia's threat doing little to intimidate him. "now, celestia..you should know by now that I 'always' get what I want."
the griffin then drew out a talon and gently scratched Onyx's cheek, bleeding it. "and, what I want..is PAYBACK."
Twilight grinded her teeth, her horn sparking. "let. him. GO!!, you BUCKING BAS-!!" Twilight was cut off by a griffin guard striking her across the face
"SILENCE, Grass Eater!!" snapped the griffin
"If she does that again..cut her throat open." said the Emperor, grinning evilly
Celestia glared hatefully at the griffin. "d*mn you, gryffin..d*mn your wretched soul to tartarus."
almost as if he heard her, the griffin emperor held up Onyx's limp head..showing Celestia her son. the sun princess felt her heart stop as the place the sharp end of his talon against his throat, puncturing his skin slightly. "say goodbye to your "little boy", celestia."
tears fell from Celestia's face, a look of shock frozen upon it. "no." Gryffin punctured Onyx flesh 'harder', bleeding him a bit. "NO!!"
Celestia had to shut her eyes, refusing to watch the imminent death of the one she loved most. in a flash, her whole life with Onyx played in her mind like a play.
the night she found him in those bushes as a baby..and, the love she felt for him. how she watched him grow from a "foal", to a "Stallion"..and, the pride she felt at what he became.
she then mentally cursed herself for ever falling for Gryffin's earlier deception..a deception that robbed her son of a happy childhood, and made her hate herself MORE than when she had to banish her sister one-thousand years ago.
now..it was all going to end. part of her wished, HOPED this was all a horrible nightmare..but, it wasn't.
"onyx..i'm sorry." choked Celestia. deep in her heart, she prayed for a miracle..some way to spare her son of this cruel, undeserved fate.
then, miraculously..her prayers were answered.
WHIRRRRRRRRRR-CRAAASH!!
Celesia, Twilight (and, even Gryffin) gasped at a blinding flash of light in the sky..as a tremendous shadow loomed over them, they looked up..and, their jaws dropped at what they saw.
"by faust.." said Celestia, stunned
High up in the sky..was a SHIP. but, it was unlike any ship any of them had ever seen. for one thing, the ship was made of metal, instead of wood. and, it's shape confused both Pony and Griffin alike.
it's sheer size was so massive, it made dragons seem like sparrows in comparison. it almost seemed..ALIVE.
Gryffin was flabbergasted. so shocked was he, that he dropped Onyx as he stared at the object.
"wha-WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS!!?" exclaimed Gryffin, his eyes glued to the massive airship.
Twilight also stared, her mind racing at what this could possibly be. "p-princess celestia..what. IS THAT!!?"
Celestia touched her mouth with her hoove. "i..i don't know."
Suddenly, an intense beam of light shined down upon the group. the light was coming from the ship, meaning whoever (or, WHATever) captained it..could SEE them.
at this moment Onyx began to regain consciousness..and, saw the colossal ship himself.
a hatch then opened up underneath the ship..and, something began to lower down from it. as it grew closer, the group could see that it was a smaller aircraft. no larger than a carriage.
it landed gently on the ground before them all. Celestia tried to see inside of it, but the red tinted window made it impossible to see the pilot.
she didn't have to wonder who was inside for very long..with a loud HISS, the strange aircraft opened up. a dense, misty fog that was red in color spilled out. concealing the true form of whoever was inside even further.
they saw movement..a figure was stepping out of the vehicle. they heard footsteps..which approached them. they all froze completely still. unsure just who or what was approaching them (and, wary on whether it was a threat or not.)
but, once the mist faded..they all gasped in shock. Onyx was the most shocked.
"it..it CAN'T be." stuttered Onyx, stunned
standing before them..was a bipedal creature with hairless Caucasian skin. it was a creature just like Onyx: a HUMAN.
even stranger was that this creature looked nearly exactly like Onyx: Same "mane" as black as coal, same eyes as blue as the brightest sapphire. but, this creature was FEMALE, unlike Onyx.
the human female approached, then stopped. she looked right at the stunned Onyx (who was still on the ground) she looked at him with a very plain, unreadable expression..then, a smile slowly formed on her face.
at last, Onyx found his voice. "yo-, your..You're just like ME."
the human woman said nothing. she just continued to stare at Onyx, her eyes casting an almost hypnotizing gaze.
Celestia was also shocked at this. while she loved Onyx unconditionally..She was stunned to see another of his species.
up until recently, she thought Onyx was the only one of his kind.
of course, looking at the airship again..she guess that she (and, technically Onyx) weren't native to Equestria.
Part of her felt relieved, overjoyed even that Onyx wasn't the only..whatever he was that exists. BUT, she was also wary of this woman: While the same species as Onyx..she was NOT Onyx, and could very well be just as dangerous was Gryffin.
..Speaking of which.
"YOU!!. Woman!!" shouted the Griffin Emperor, as he approached the two
the woman eyed Gryffin, her expression that of annoyance.
"i don't know who or WHAT you are..but, that CREATURE belong to m-GAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" Gryffin was immediately silenced by the strange woman, whose hand glowed with a "red magic" and fired a beam at the Griffin, knocking him several feet away.
THIS made both Celestia and Twilight shocked and confused: If the strange woman truly is of the same species as Onyx..then, HOW can she use Magic!?: Onyx can't use magic, he NEVER could!!
none had time to think of this, however..as Gryffin's guards reacted immediately to their king being attacked.
"B*TCH!!" "WH*RE!!" cursed the guards, as they abandoned their equine hostages, and advanced towards the human
the woman, however..show no fear as the griffin's advanced. she only smirked, and muttered what sounded like "fools."
she then charged both her hands with "magic". This time, it crackled and sparked like lightning. as the griffins closed in on her..she launched crimsom lightning at the two, halting their advanced.
as electrical energy surged through their bodies, the griffins let out the most bloodcurdling screams Celestia had EVER heard. they were suffering. the woman jerked her hands swiftly. sending the two flying, their paralyzed bodied skidding across the grass.
Twilight's mouth gaped open, totally in shock and awe at what she just witnessed. SOMEHOW, this "female onyx" single handedly brought down the Griffin Ruler, and two of his best guards. and, without even blinking an eye.
the woman then looked back at Onyx..who stared wide eyed at her, equally shocked. she then smiled..and, reached out an open hand to him. accepting this offer of kindness, Onyx took her hand and was helped back to his feet.
"I hope I didn't startle you." said the woman, at last
"uhh.." Onyx was at a loss for words. he at last pulls his hand away, letting out a breath. "um..th-thank you."
at last, Celestia found the nerve to approach the stranger. Twilight did so as well. putting her shock and confusion aside, Celestia tried to regain her diplomatic composure and spoke to the stranger softly.
"Miss..y-you have my thanks for saving my son, my student AND myself."
the woman looked at the Alicorn..and, smiled. "of course. it was no problem at all."
"who ARE you?!" said Twilight, her tone sounding rather forceful
the woman grinned. "I am called 'Helix', and as you have probably guessed: I am of the same species as..umm. DEAR ME, I never caught your name."
Onyx was only too eager to speak. "I-I am ONYX. Prince Onyx Sol, son of Princess Celestia."
Helix eyed Celestia. "I assume YOU are Princess Celestia, then."
"I am." replied Celestia "and, this is Twilight Sparkle..my most faithful student."
Twilight raised her hoove, smiling. "I'm Prince Onyx's marefriend."
THIS made Helix raise an eyebrow. "i'm sorry..What?!"
"I'm his Marefriend. we're dating." Helix remained dumbfounded at this..but, eventually regained a calmer composure. "hmm..how very interesting."
Onyx spoke again. "Apologies if I seem..over-enthusiastic. but, I have so many questions."
Helix looked at the young man. "What..ARE we!?, what are you..WHAT AM I!!?"
"You mean you don't know?!" inquired Helix
"no..he does not." began Celestia, facing Helix "I found him when he was only a baby. I do not know the name of his species, nor do I know his origin..or, how he came to be in my domain. All I knew was that he was a motherless child..one who I have raised and nurtured as my own.
but, as YOU appear to be of the same species as my son..you may answer the question that has hung over both our heads for decades."
Onyx faced Helix again."can you PLEASE tell me..I have to know."
"The only thing YOU will know is AGONY, You little b*stard!!"
the group looked, and saw Gryffin had recovered from Helix attack. struggling to get up. while the others had a mix of fear and anger on their faces..Helix looked more annoyed.
"Do you MIND!!?" snapped Helix, her fists on her hips "I'm trying to have a conversation here. and, it's RUDE to butt in unannounced."
"RAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!!" Gryffin pounced, his talons reaching out for his new prey.
Helix merely scoffed at this. charging her hand with "magic" again, she struck her hand out just as the Griffin King was about to tackle her..sending a surge of crimson lightning through his body, and repulsing him away once more.
as he wringled in pain, Helix took a few steps towards him. "Normally I am a patient woman. hardly anything gets under my skin..but, YOU are beginning to annoy me, Beast!!"
"he is far lower than a Beast." growled Onyx, his tone dark and hateful "he kidnapped me as a child, tortured me..tried to turn me into a weapon."
"He's a MONSTER!!!" snapped Twilight, angry tears in her eyes
Helix grinned at this. "is he, now??"
Celestia nodded, trying to repress her own tears. "he IS..he is practically the "Spawn of Tirek."
Helix continued to grin wickedly. "well..it's a good thing I brought my OWN monster."
before Celestia could inquire this, Helix turned to her aircraft. "SCARLETT!! TO ME!!"
without warning, another figure leapt from out of the vehicle, did a somersault in midair, and finally dropped down before them with perfect grace and finesse.
as she rose up..they all saw it was a female human like Helix. BUT, she looked different. her skin tone was darker than Helix, her "mane" was red like fire and frizzy like a bear, and her eyes..her dark eyes were green like emeralds. and, staring into them was like staring into an empty pit for Twilight.
"yes, lady helix??" said Scarlett, her voice monotoned and accented
Helix pointed at the downed Gryffin. "see that creature??..I want you to "teach him some respect."
Scarlett's deadpanned face slowly turned into a sadistic smile (it disturbed Onyx, as it was the SAME face that Gryffin gave him during his "combat training")
"as you command." said Scarlett, who casually walked towards the Griffin King
Helix crossed her arms as she watched. the other looked confused, but decided to stay quiet and watch too.
Scarlett stopped and faced Gryffin..who looked up at her. Scarlett grinned and toothy grin, then flexed out her hands like claws. "time to BLEED." said Scarlett, with sadistic glee
before Gryffin could react..Scarlett slash as his face, sending blood flying from it. blinded, and in pain, Gryffin could hardly react as Scarlett proceeded to slash at him with lightning fast movement.
SOMEHOW, the human was cutting away at his body as if she had talons..and, the redness of her hands indicated she was indeed drawing blood.
finally, Gryffin recovered enough to make his own move. he narrowly dodged Scarlett's next slash, backing away quickly. screeching loudly, he tried to attack his opponent. but, her movements were too fast. he only managed to nick her flesh. it bled her, but she barely even noticed the minor flesh wounds
Scarlett then struck at the Griffin's jaw with her knee..which made a loud cracking noise. she then grabbed his beak, holding it shut in her tight grip. she jerk hard, and threw him into a nearby tree..the impact made a loud cracking sound.
Celestia stared with wide eyes, shocked at the sheer brutality that this other human was inflicting upon the Griffin.
true. she HATED Gryffin for all he has done: To her, her son..even his own griffins. but, some small part of her almost felt pity for her enemy..ALMOST.
Onyx, however..was watching every moment of this: Never once blinking. to him, this was a dream some true. his every fantasy of revenge against the monster that ruined his life becoming reality.
even if somebody else was doing it..he felt satisfied.
Gryffin groaned, his body throbbing with pain..but, his suffering was only beginning.
"GYAAAAAHH-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" Gryffin cried out as what felt like talons impaled him in the back.
Scarlett was indeed on his back, slowing digging her sharp fingers into his flesh.
"ohhhh..YES!!" Scarlett moaned, then giggled as she continued to claw into his back. it was almost as if Scarlett gain some 'sick pleasure' out of butchering the griffin. if Twilight hadn't known any better, she could SWEAR this Scarlett was having an "orgasm"
Helix, however..just rolled her eyes, finding Scarlett's behavior annoying and distasteful.
Scarlett finally ripped her hands out of Gryffin's back, sending blood flying in all directions. she then grabbed his neck, lifted him up and forced the griffin king to face her.
Scarlett kept her hand wrapped around his throat like a vice, smirking. as Gryffin looked at her..Scarlett began her next brutal attack.
reeling her free arm back..she punched Gryffin HARD into the stomach, the force of the blow making a loud noise.
she continued to punch him in the gut. Blow after blow seemingly stronger than the last. Celestia cringed at this, feeling disturbed at the brutal violence.
Finally, Scarlett released Gryffin..who fell to his knees, and vomited large quantities of blood and bile. he looked up..just in time to see Scarlett kick him hard in the face. Scarlett then pinned him down to the ground with her foot.
he then gripped his head in her palm, lifting it up slightly. Scarlett bore a predatory look on her face, an inhuman growl escaping her throat.
she looked ready to KILL (and, Celestia feared that was her intent.)
"SCARLETT." Scarlett stopped, breaking out of her "trance". she looked at Helix "enough..I think he's learned his lesson, now."
Scarlett cast a glare at Helix..but, relented to her command. with one last act of aggression, Scarlett bashed Gryffin's skull against the ground. she then stood up, brushed some dirt off of her clothing and walked back casually..as if NOTHING happened.
"will there be anything else, my lady??" asked Scarlett, stopping for a moment
"no. that will be all." Scarlett nodded, then returned to the aircraft.
Helix then looked back at Onyx, and smiled.
"so..whose up for Dinner in my ship??"
*******
Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle and Onyx found themselves at a large dinner table aboard Helix's airship. all three were still stunned at recent events, and their minds were racing. Wondering if Helix and Scarlett were possible allies..or, new enemies.
Celestia was about to saw something..when a door opened, and Helix came walking in. she was wearing a type of clothing that Filthy Rich might wear, only it was colored dark red. she bore a pleasant smile on her face.
"I hope I didn't keep you all waiting for too long." began Helix, as she took her seat
"oh, n-not at all..m-miss helix." replied Celestia, trying to be polite
Helix smiled as she sat down with her guests. "apologies for the inconvenience..my cooks are held up, so we may have to wait several minutes for the food. leaves us Plenty of time to talk."
Twilight eyed the woman. "Where's Scarlett??"
"not here." said Helix, bluntly "after her "disciplinary action" on the griffin, I felt it best she not attend..you know, give you all some space."
Celestia grimaced. the images of Scarlett's brutality still fresh in her mind.
"I apologize, of course. Scarlett is a good soldier..BUT, she tends to go a bit "overboard" sometimes. you have no idea the trouble she can get herself into when I leave her to her own devices."
"Why DOES she behave that way??" asked Twilight, still feeling wary
Helix shrugged. "Scarlett has lived a difficult life. grew up on the streets with NO family, NO friends. she did what she had to survive..Sadly, it's left her "damaged" in some ways."
"oh, my..that poor girl." said Celestia, feeling sympathy for her at last
Helix smiled, chortling softly in her throat. "WELL, enough about that..I believe you had "other" questions for me."
Onyx nodded. "yes, I'd like to kno-"
"What you are..and, WHERE you truly come from." said Helix, cutting him off.
"uhh..Yeah, yeah I do."
Helix grinned, chortling again. she took a pitcher of water and poured herself some in a tall, slim glass. she took a moment to have herself a drink (milking in the suspense of the moment)
"AHH..that's better." Helix looked at Onyx..and, smiled. "The scientific term for our kind is "Homo Sapien".
"ho-What?!" questioned Onyx
"BUT, for the most part..we are called HUMANS." continued Helix
Celestia made a mental note of that name. At last, her son's species had a name.
"are there..Others like me-Us." asked Onyx, hanging on Helix every word as if she was all-knowing
"oh, yes..BILLIONS." replied Helix "There are as many of our kind in our world, as there are stars in the empty night sky."
"and, what is the name of your domain??" asked Celestia
Helix grinned again. "Earth. I know, not as fantastic sounding as 'Equestria'. But, that is what we call our world."
Onyx looked at Helix again. "What is it like?, the world that I come from??"
Helix smirked, then made a gesture with her hand. "look at my ship..what does THAT tell you??"
this left Celestia and Twilight's minds boggled. Helix's airship was Massive, beyond even Celestia's comprehension. even she couldn't imagine a whole world of apparent heavy metal and colossal machinery.
"wow..that sounds remarkable." said Twilight, her scientific mind in overdrive "Your world must be Utopia!!"
Helix smirked. "it isn't without it's flaws..but, I would rather live there, than HERE."
Celestia raised her brow. "why ARE you here??, and how did you get here?!"
"I'm a scientist, and an explorer." began Helix "using an invention of my own design, I like to travel beyond the boundaries of my own dimension, and research other worlds. When my "sources" informed me of this particular world, and travelled here without hesitation. although, I never expected to find one like Onyx living in such place."
Helix smiled. "You can understand my scientific curiosity."
"Oh, you don't have to explain that to me." said Twilight "I know EXACTLY how you feel."
Onyx looked at Helix again. "before..when (clear throat) G-Gryffin attacked. you used some kind of Magic to stop him..HOW is that possible!?, Mom said that I can't use magic, so-"
"It isn't magic." said Helix, bluntly "during one of my science experiments, I was accidently exposed to an unknown energy that granted me special talents. Normally, Human don't have fantastic abilities of ANY kind."
Onyx looked down..then, looked back at Helix. "you th-think you could..give ME powers like yours??"
Celestia and Twilight looked at Onyx, surprised at his request.
"hmm..Perhaps. my understanding of the energy has progressed profoundly now, so it shouldn't be a problem."
Helix eyed Onyx. "I assume you have a good reason for wanting such power."
"Mom always worried or me." began Onyx, his tone serious "I can't use magic, I can't fly and I'm not very strong. the whole reason I found myself in King Gryffin's clutched, was because we THOUGHT he would teach me how to defend myself."
"Let me guess..the "Chicken Pussy" training wasn't what you expected."
Onyx cringed as he recalled the suffering he endured in the Gryphon Kingdom. "no..it wasn't."
Onyx looked back at Helix. "but, YOU..you brushed him off like he was nothing. If I had powers like you, then..maybe I could defend myself better."
Celestia looked at her son with sad eyes. "onyx.."
"Having Power, and knowing how to use it is two different things, BOY." began Helix, acting like a stern teacher "All the power in the world is worthless without proper training: You want to be like ME??, then you'll need the whole package."
Helix placed her glass down. "Now, I have a question for you."
Onyx looked at Helix. "uhh..Sure."
"The unicorn said you were..DATING. is this true??"
Onyx glanced at Twilight..then, looked at Helix. "um..yeah. why?!, is something wrong??"
"not really sure, really..I just find it rather odd."
Celestia eyed Helix, not sure she liked her tone. "and, what do you mean by that, Miss Helix??"
"well..while your kind possess human-like sentience. Physically, you are still animals..Beasts."
Onyx stood up, glaring. "WHAT did you just call her!!?"
"Calm DOWN, I wasn't insulting her..just speaking as a scientist." Onyx sat down, attempting to calm himself while Helix explained.
"you see..in OUR world, Humans are the only intelligent life forms that exists. Equines also exist, but they aren't intelligent. in fact, they are quite mindless, behaving on pure instinct. Humans like to keep them as pets, actually-"
"PETS!!?"exclaimed Twilight, shocked at this
"So, you can understand why I find THIS world so fascinating. a world dominated by equine beasts capable of human intellect and speech..it's Remarkable."
Twilight almost felt offended in some way. but, as a scientist herself, she had to remind herself that she too was no different from Helix when she encountered non-ponies who are sentient.
she decided to let it go, and accept this shocking reality.
"Given that Twilight here ISN'T mindless..I suppose one couldn't call her "an animal" STILL, she is physically a Beast, which would make any plans for starting a family impossible."
Both Onyx and Twilight lowered their heads sadly. "we..c-could always Adopt. like mom did with me."
"True, but let's face facts: You aren't immortal like your dear mother, Onyx." began Helix, smirking "sooner or later..your time will come, be it by murder, illness or old age. and, while Celestia may live on for another thousand years or so..YOU will become a distant memory, eventually forgotten by all.
Tragically, future generation will NEVER know you were ever here. as if you never existed."
As Helix poured another glass of water, Onyx looked down..fearing Helix's words were TRUE. Helix the offered Onyx a glass. "Thirsty??" Onyx took it. "thanks."
"we have a proverb in my world.." continued Helix "TRUE Immortality is gained through one's children."
Celestia found much wisdom in those words. "Still, given that you and Twilight are incompatible..that would make it difficult."
"Do you HAVE to rub it in!!?" snapped Onyx, getting annoyed
Helix only smirked a Onyx anger. "Hey, I said because she is a beast, she cannot give you children. BUT, if she were an Anthro, well..that would be different."
Celestia and Twilight stared at the woman. "Anth-"
At that moment, door opened and in came Helix's servants with food. but, the equines were stunned at seeing that the servants were not only Equines themselves..but Equines with Human-like bodies. "ah, good..the food is here." said Helix
Celestia and Twilight stared at these strange "ponies" they looked so much like their own kind, but were bipedal and stood upright like Onyx. only their legs bore hooves, as their arms possessed hands (which they used to place the plates of food down on the table)
"Apologies for the long wait, Lady Helix." began a Humanoid Stallion
"You are forgiven, Ignatius" said Helix. "Did you get the orders right??"
"Yes. I prepared a vegan diet for our Equine guests.." the Humanoid Mares placed down food that indeed looked appetizing to Celestia and Twilight "and, a variety for yourself, and Prince Onyx Sol."
Onyx looked, and saw his place at a steak and some mashed potatoes.
"thank you, Ignatus..you may leave, now." the Stallion nodded. "my lady."
the Stallion, and the "Mare Maids" all left the room in an orderly fashion. Helix then smirked as she saw the others looking at her.
"I hope you took a good hard look at my 'staff'. for THOSE..are anthros, hyper evolved animals with human-like bodies to match their intelligent minds."
"where do..THEY come from??" inquired Celestia
"They aren't native to your world, if that is what you are wondering." replied Helix "They are the result of an invention of mine, which transformed once mindless beasts into superior life forms."
Helix grinned sinisterly, eyeing Twilight Sparkle "and, BECAUSE they are human-like..they are more compatible with humans themselves."
Twilight looked down, her mind racing (Helix sensed her mixed feelings..and, smiled wide at it.) "well..Enough talk, time to dig in."
***********
as Helix dined with her guests..TWO shadowed figured observed them via video monitors.
"wow..she's good." said a female, who appeared to be an Anthro Mare
"what makes you so sure??" questioned Scarlett
"did you SEE the way Twilight and that Human reacted to her words: She has them hooked."
Scarlett grumbled. "perhaps..but, I fail to see much point in all this."
the anthro mare charged her hands (and, unihorn) with bluish-green energy. "NEVER question our mistress. She has a plan, she ALWAYS has a plan."
Scarlett scoffed "Sunset, you are SUCH a brown nose."
"I am loyal..unlike SOME that I have the misfortune of knowing." Scarlett growled in her throat, but brushed off the insult.
Finally, she turned and marched off. "and, where are YOU going!?" snapped Sunset
"I have more important things to do than watch our "glorious leader" spin her webs. more interesting things."
Sunset scoffed. "carry on, then." Scarlett scoffed as she left.
********
a door opened..and, in walked Scarlett. she smirked at she looked up her captive: the beaten and broken King Gryffin.
despite what she said, Helix didn't really think the griffin "learned his lesson" and, instructed his capture and imprisonment while she prepared Dinner for Celestia, Twilight and Onyx.
the REAL reason she didn't want Scarlett to attend..was so she could further school the sadistic king in "good manners"
Gryffin was unconscious, having passed out from his lass "session" with Scarlett. but, it was time for his next lesson. Scarlett grabbed a syringe, walked up to the griffin and injected him with something.
"GYAAAAAAAAAHHH, AHH-AHH-AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" screeched the Griffin King.
"aw, good..your awake." said Scarlett, circling the binded griffin like a predator. Gryffin stared with wide eyes as Scarlett wielded a Prod, which sparked with electricity. "let's take it from the TOP, shall we!?"
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Summary Issues:
"Despite" and "So" in the second paragraph should be capitalized, and your ellipses after "Celestia" and "appears" have two periods in them again, not three.
I hope equastria can accept his kind "quirks" and find some human friends.
Capitalization, capitalization, capitalization.
You miss so many of them, it's really distracting to read.
And displace the author's notes to the end of the story, this block of notes right from the start is distracting too.
So am I!
4152535
Way I see it, there are TWO possible outcomes from a human such as Helix being in Equestria..
One. The ponies may presume this is the start of a mass invasion, and start to panic.
accumulating in Celestia's worst fears being realized: Her ponies hating her son out of fear, and seeking to "Destroy ALL Humans"
Two. Helix blow against King Gryffin (whom all ponies fear and loathe) will make the ponies see Helix as some kind of hero, and will become an instant celebrity.
Her presence in Equestria would be akin to diplomatic, and would have free reign of the whole kingdom.
Still, one doesn't know what Helix plans to do in Equestria.
It's plenty clear she has a secret agenda, with intentions unknown.
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I did warn ahead of time that my grammar isn't the best, and submitted this to "Editor" Groups because I knew I would get messages like this.
Sadly, I don't really know where the errors are (I need them pointed out to me)
so, in my viewpoint, this story is "acceptable".
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Done.
That is some nice stuff you have here. You see at first at was a tiny bit confused about how could she use magic etc... but with the explanation it all end up well.
If there is more I will read it. Thank for the great work.
Ps. so many capitalization
This is kinda like some one is describing a what happened on Television, rather than being able to watch the episode itself. Other than that its an intriguing start.
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Thanks. I was on the fence at doing a Part Two, but since you approved, I may just do more.
I also Hope you caught the short cameo that I snuck in at the end, too.
Yeah, I know the issue with 'capitalizations' I hope you can take comfort in my failings as a writing.
since I have read that you yourself struggle with English, but your are more popular than I am on this site.
The best I have done is submit this to editorial groups, and hope somebody responds.
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I was More talking about the word fully capitalized and in black, it kinda "break" the feeling of the story becasue it remind you that what is happening are simply words on a sheet.
here an advice, You must try to make the readers "enter" in the story so try to avoid the Word in () and all of that breaking stuff.
But hey we all have our way of writing
Good luck with the rest I will read it.
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Well, to be honest..I wrote this story strictly for YOU. You being my target audience.
So, as long as you are pleased with it, then I feel I have accomplished something.
I haven't yet figured out an "ending" to this story. but, that will do little to halt progress currently.
you can expect an update in two days or so (should everything go as planned.)
Colleges usually offer classes in writing. Just saying.
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Colleges cost MONEY, and I barely have enough to get groceries that will last me for the month.
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Yes, it is a start. with some luck, future chapter will be an improvement over this one.
(okay, who is so cold as to downvote my hopes of self-improvement?!)
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http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp
You are on the Internet. This is what I found just on capitalization after only five seconds with google.
You have no excuses.
Hey! Not to sound like a douche, but you always have to capitals the first letter in the beginning of a new sentence.
Wow, a story based on an already good story. Nicee..