Titanfall: Guns and Stuff

by Good Christian Ethesto

Titans wobble but they don't fall down.

"Boom boom bam!" Said his gun as it shot out bullets. Bullets meant for kill, and that's just what they did as they killed one human who was running around.

The owner of the weapon couldn't help but laugh as his enemy fell over, thoroughly dead. Ending a human's life was the best thing ever, and so he shot people all the time, but only people on the other team, so it was okay. His brief celebration was cut short, though, when he spotted another enemy running around. He held up his Assault Riffler, not even bothering to aim as he shot out like a hundred bullets. The unsuspecting enemy human didn't stand a ghooost of a chance, and he was dead before he hit the ground.

"Wow, you sure are good at kill," remarked another soldier from nearby, causing the as-of-yet main character soldier with the gun to jump as he didn't expect anyone to be behind him.

"It's what I do all day, I'd hope I'm good," he remarked with a friendly chuckle.

The other soldier, Soldier 2, if you will, chuckled back. "Me too!" Suddenly there was a bang, and Soldier 2's head exploded and he was dead.

"Oh no, they have a snipper!" Called out him, the main one, as he jumped behind cover. A snipper is someone who uses an accurate gun that hardly shoots out any bullets. Snippers are the most skilled gun in the world, and, therefore, the most cool.

"Don't worry," reassured another soldier who was nearby, "I have a big explosion gun." He pulled it off his back and shot it at the enemy, killing over a baker's dozen of hidden snippers in the process.

"Wow, that was really neat!" Remarked Lord Commander Ramierez, who has been the main character the whole time.

"Thanks Lord Commander," commented the soldier, who's name is Fleet Admiral Davis, right before his shooty gun ran out of ammo. Just kidding, they never run out, but just in case, Lord Commander Ramierez threw down a box of every type of ammo that he was holding on his back. "Thanks Lord Commander," said Fleet Admiral Davis as he absorbed the bullets into his body via osmosis.

Their guns continued to shoot things out and the bad guys died a lot but then there was a glow. "Woah, what's that?" Asked Fleet Admiral Davis who was more perceptive than his friend and noticed first.

"I don't know," commented Lord Commander Ramierez helpfully, "we seem to be glowing and stuff."

"Woah, you guys seein' this?!" Called out Commander and Chief Stevenson as he ran over with Sergeant General Thompson in tow. They all stopped shooting their assault rifflers and snippers and rocket cannons and hand guns as they looked at their glowing bodies.

"I have no idea what's going on," stated Lord Commander Ramierez. If it wasn't guns or things to shoot at, it was far out of his field of expertise. Suddenly there was a great big flash and everything just changed, their molecules got all rearranged. When they first woke up they realized they were in Equestria.

"Wow, how'd we get here? I must have been drinking lots of alcohol again like always," explained Sergeant General Thompson. They were on the ground, and were surrounded by what looked like hundreds of cow people who were super muscular and had big horns.

Commander and Chief Stevenson couldn't help but lick his lips, seeing all these cow people. "It looks like we're having bacon for dinner," he foreshadowed. Suddenly, the biggest cow man of all stepped forward and bowed before them.

"We are the humanitaurs, great ones, and we have summoned you here. Also I'm Iron Will."

"Summoned?" Questioned a confused Lord Commander Ramierez. This didn't have anything to do with guns or shooting people!

"Yes," Iron Will replied, "with magic."

"Magic isn't real where we come from," explained Fleet Admiral Davis.

The whole crowd of humanitaurs gasped. Nothing could possibly survive without magic. "How do you survive without magic?" They called out.

"We have technology," said Commander and Chief Stevenson with a shrug. "We're really smart, we've been to the moon and we doesn't afraid of anything."

"Well, maybe you can help us," said the humanitaur.

"Help you? Why would we help you? You summoned us here with magic we've never seen before and we were doing something really important. Hell, we should kill you all for inconveniencing us. I've killed for less, and I need a drink," yelled Sergeant General Thompson who was an alcoholic, but so is every other character. They all smoke too.

Suddenly there was a loud sound, and the humanitaurs started to run around in fear. "Oh no," they screamed, "It's the ponies!"

"They're here to repress and kill us all using harmony and magic!"

"We're doomed, nothing can defeat!"

Just then, there was a bunch of booms, like a million tiny explosions, and one of the ponies was filled with daylight. He fell over, dead, and all eyes went to the source of the noise, one of the huemans. "I can defeat," he stated defiantly.

Just then, the other three humans walked up and shook their heads 'no' at him. "No, we can defeat. Together." They all aimed their guns, which were in their hands the whole time because they always have their guns, and started shooting all the evil ponies. They died in droves, and they died in bushels. Heck, they even died in baker's dozens!

Suddenly, there was a big group of them who were all charging in at once so Fleet Admiral Davis pulled out his explosion gun and blew them all up at once. There was one in the back shooting magic, but Commander and Chief Stevenson just shot him with his snipper.

Lord Commander threw a grenade into the group of attacking ponies, killing a hundred of them, and bringing his titan off cooldown. "I'm gonna use my kill spree now," he said, but instead of an attack helicopter, or a tiny nuke, or puppies, a big robot man fell from the sky with a gun and missiles. All the ponies and humanitaurs stared at it with wide eyes as Lord Commander jumped inside its cock pit and started using the controls to shoot his gun at the ponies. They didn't stand a ghooost of a chance, and before long they were all dead.

"Wow, that sure was both easy and fun," remarked 5-star Sergeant General Thompson, who had been promoted for getting so many kills confirmed.

"I'll say," said Fleet Admiral Davis as he admired his handy work, which is to say the dead pony corpses.

Suddenly the humanitaurs all gathered 'round excitedly. "We knew summoning you, our human Gods, was a good idea."

"Gods?" Questioned Lord Commander Ramierez who was still in the Titan. "We're your Gods?"

"Yes, we worship the great humans and you are them. We summoned you because the ponies have pushed us to the verge of extinction, and we need your help. As a token of our gratitude, you can take your pick from any of our women."

Out from the crowd of humanitaurs stepped a group of ordinary cows. Girl humanitaurs are just cows, after all. They lined up before the human soldiers, presenting themselves, and 5-star Sergeant General Thompson couldn't help but chuckle.

"I told you we'd be havin' bacon!"

Author's Note:

This is not satire.

Comments

[Arxsys]

I'm pretty sure guns can't fix infertility. That said, shooting a large enough firearm can cure impotence

[Regidar]

Bravo
just
bravo

[Necrogen Lord]

Absurutrey pelfecht Engrish.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

4129261
I'm a writing legend.

[MemeShitlord]

Soldiers very brave and doesnt afraid of anything!1

[593322]

4128947

Ah, but they can cure overpopulation!

[Irrelevant]

4129421
Careful about them edges bro.

[Alphanian]

This is on par with the writing quality of gooby pls. I like it.

[EdBoii]

Bloody beautiful. 54/10.

[Fre3doM]

How do we get across the river?
Use a gun.
How does that make sense?
Simple, go threaten a contractor and a construction team with your gun. They'll build us a bridge.
But they could sabotage it!
Nonsense. They walk with us, at gunpoint.

[knetch]

"there doesn't exist a problem that guns can't fix"
well there is one, GUN MAINTENANCE.

[Stoneificaunt]

Say it with me TITANFALL

[Soundy The Robot]

I need an assault riffler

[Pastor Pulp]

i.imgur.com/sw4sEoM.gif

[megamanzero]

Danny phantom reference.

[Scorppio500]

Why is this so good? Can somepony tell me why? Please?