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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well I checked it out like you asked, I find that this one's a lot better that the original, if a little confusing to follow during the fight scenes. My only real complaint is the spelling and grammar could be improved greatly and that the Human/Phoenix character seems to be a little bit over-powered. Then again who doesn't like an OP character every now and again?
5826959
Goddamnit, it's always those two things.
Grammar's not my strongpoint. And I miss small things when I'm typing.
Eh, there's a reason for that. In the grandscale, it's not... natural strength, if you will.
Meh, the chapters he's had so far make him look OP, I'm hoping to smooth that out when I rewrite the other chapters.
5827011 OK, good luck with future chapters.
I don't have a comparison, but it appears well done.
Why didn't venus just close the doors to keep the changelings out?
9191821
Twilight would have been trapped in there while the changelings would be able to amass troops outside the entrance. There was also no running water and limited non-perishable food. Trapping Twilight in there would have been a death sentence, Venus took these factors into consideration and made the decision that reanimating Dante to fight off these creatures was the safest course of action.
...
Okay, this is getting confusing, with nothing at all making sense to me at all between... Well, a lot.
First, there isn't much world-building. Though this one isn't much of a problem as it could progressively fill in the readers as the story goes on, it does leave some serious questions about the human part of the AU.
Now, on to things that make absolutely no sense to me. From the evidence given, I could assume that humans don't give a crap if the entire universe was destroyed by the fact they showed little emotion to the Milky Way going boom and the lack of care for abandoning the other half of the ship. Things like this I've found to be common, events that make no sense. The only thing I can think of that remotely tells me Dante's feelings and or emotions is the brief conversation between him and Lakia.
Was there no other crew in the front half of the ship? No mention of them was even made, oh and apparently Dante has the power to induce plant-wide change and destroy the windigos. Is this magic or something? Again goes about the lack of information for the AU and leaves a lot to assume.
Also, why, of why, would Celestia just casually toss Venus and Dante into a room in a random, easily accessible part of the castle. Does such matter require no secrecy? Or is it dumb luck that for so long no pony had just ever wanted to go in there.
And the ponies of so totally, one hundred percent, had clearly, never ever meant ponies before judging by how they spoke the same language, without needing translation. Maybe there was a translation mentioned that I missed, but I just schemed over the last couple of chapters and found nothing.
Oh, and don't forget the fact that Dante even has a meaning in the pony language. Because a translation works like that!
Also, that massive time skip is irking me. There was just so much potential for a plot, to watch as the ponies grew into a nation.
Another thing I forgot the mention earlier is Venus's casual way of just saying, "Hello! I'm an alien in an easily accessible room! Let me tell you anything and everything you want for plot convenience because I'm allowed to do that despite being a military AI!"
...
I'm probably missing things, but I'm not going to go back. In short, this story feels jumbled together, with events that have little to no connection at all to each other. I mean, poping a random time skip straight to modern Equestria? No context at all, right in the middle of the changeling invasion... Random, but okay then.
You could have just as well had the story play out from when they appeared on the planet and had readers watch as they adapted and what they did watching the nation grow, and ever now and again have a chapter popping up wherein it shows Twilight as she finds out about Equestria's true past, much like A Song of Storms: Snow and Shadows and it's the prequel.
Actually, that line of thought made me realize, why are they even on the planet? Surely with the galaxy destroying advanced tech they have, they could have constructed a ship to space. Or the main ship could've been repaired.
Oh, just a nitpick I have that doesn't really mean anything, but if Venus is a "true AI" why does she sound so robotic? It could just be her personality to list off anything and everything in a host, and concise way, but for an AI that can go against its program, in a way like instead of being forced to list off things in a short and concise way that was preprogrammed in, she could, oh I don't know to say something along the lines of, "I'm detecting an unknown energy single, the body structure is Equin in nature and similar to ponies, but it might be dangerous. Be careful, there's a high chance they're dangerous(and or hostile)."
This story is making no sense to me. More questions, upon more questions, and the only answer I get to those questions is more questions and lack of context to events. I don't know if I'm missing something, or am just stupidly nothing being able to use my critical thinking skills to come up with the answers myself, but this just feels dry.
Well, I'm done listing off my reason for not liking the story so far. Now, I love the idea of the story. The premise is great, but the execution is, as I've said, jumbled. Of course, as usual, I could be wrong and I'm happy for some debate if I missed anything, so feel free to reply. However, at this time I'll, unfortunately, be leaving.
10707432
Agreed on all parts.
Story needs a desperate rewrite. You should have seen it before I rewrote the earlier chapters two years ago.