Chapter 2: A Day Around Town
I woke up in the morning, with the sun already in the sky. Staring up at the ceiling, my stomach growled, pushing me to get out of bed. “Ugh. Fine, I’ll go find something to eat,” I told my stomach, not wanting to leave the warmth of my blankets. Pushing myself to get up from my new, and extremely comfy bed, I stumbled out of my bedroom into the tight hallway towards the kitchen for breakfast. I made my way through Rain Bell’s home, and found her already eating her breakfast.
“Morning,” I mumbled to her, causing her to look up at me from her cereal bowl, as I continued towards the cabinets to look for my breakfast.
“Good morning, Amethyst. You look like you slept well,” Rain Bell cheerily called out as I continued my search in vain. “If you’re looking for breakfast, there’s oats in the cabinet to the right of you.”
Confused at what could compel Rain Bell to be so cheerful this early in the morning, I closed the cabinet I was looking at and walked towards the one she mentioned. Exposing my prize, I was rewarded with a box of cereal, promptly taking it out with my magic and pouring it into a bowl. Bringing it over to the table Rain Bell was at, I said to her, “Thanks.”
“My pleasure. Hey, since you’re new in Ponyville, would you like me to show you around? I need to get some things around town anyways,” She asked, looking at me expectantly.
“Um… Sure. I don’t have anything to do today,” I responded to her, taking a bite out of my cereal.
Rising from her seat, Rain Bell said to me as she walked to the sink, “Okay! We’ll leave after you’re done eating breakfast,”
__________
Shortly after breakfast, I brushed my mane to its usual positioning across my face and walked back downstairs. I waited in the living room for Rain Bell to finish getting ready. As I sat on one of her two couches, I looked around the room. It had a very modern look to it, complimenting the room’s plainly colored walls. Starting to relax as I waited for Rain Bell, she took that time to come downstairs. Spotting me on the couch, Rain Bell called out, “Ready?”
I nodded, getting up from my seat and moving outside with her. “So, where are we headed first,” I asked, waiting for her to lock up her house. She set the pace to a slow trot as she turned away from the house.
“Well, I wanted to visit the Golden Oaks Library and pick up the new Daring Do book that came out a few weeks ago. Wanna head there first?” Rain Bell asked as I inquisitively looked over at her. “What? It’s a good book,” She added as I snorted at her.
We kept walking through Ponyville, ponies wandering about there business and hanging with their friends at cafes scattered around the town. We came up to a building in the shape of a tree. (Or was it actually a tree with a building hollowed into it?) Rain Bell looked over to me as we approached it seeing my puzzled glance.
“That’s Golden Oaks Library,” She started explaining. “It’s a building built inside of a hollowed out oak tree, hence the name.”
“Oh. Well I guess that makes sense. There never was architecture quite like that in Manehattan,” I stated as we reached the door. Opening up the door for Rain Bell, I followed her inside where I spotted a lavender unicorn organizing books in a corner.
Noticing she had company inside her library, the mare walked over and greeted us. “Hello. Welcome Golden Oaks Library. What can I do for you?”
“Um, do you have the new Daring Do book, Twilight?” Rain Bell asked, looking a bit hopeful that she might get what she want.
Twilight smiled at her. “Yes, in fact. Rainbow Dash just turned it in a few hours ago. You’re lucky nopony has asked for it yet,” Looking at me, she asked, “Who’s your friend? I don’t think I've seen her before.”
“That’s Amethyst,” Rain Bell introduced. “She came here from Manehattan just yesterday. Amethyst, this is Twilight Sparkle.”
We greeted each other and Twilight asked me, “Is there anything you want from the library? I have lots of books of all different types of genres that I’m sure you’ll love.”
“Um…” I trailed. Sure I loved reading, but nothing could come to mind at the time. “No thank you,” I politely refused. “Maybe next time?”
Twilight smiled back at me. “Well, alright. Let me get you your book, Rain Bell.” Twilight trotted off to another room and quickly came back with the Daring Do book Rain Bell had wanted.
“Oh, thank you so much, Twilight!” Rain Bell exclaimed. “I've been looking forward to reading this all week.” She quickly, but carefully hid the book in her saddlebags then turned to me. “You ready, Amethyst?”
I nodded and we bid farewell to Twilight as we headed for the door. “Well,” Rain Bell started. “It’s about noon… Do you want to get something to eat? I’m starving and I know this great restaurant we can go to that’s nearby.”
“Sure,” I replied, feeling a little hungry myself but with no particular thing I wanted to eat. Rain Bell did a little cheer and took the lead. Setting a brisk trot, we reached the restaurant in no time at all.
Ruby’s Diner, the sign on top of the building said. We took a seat at a table outside and a waiter came by, leaving us with two menus in his wake. Browsing through it, I eventually settled for a green salad and Rain Bell picked a daffodil sandwich. The waiter from before came by, took our orders, and left to give them to the kitchen.
“So, Amethyst. What kinds of jewelry do you make?” Rain Bell asked as we waited for our food to be finished.
“Well I generally make necklaces, earrings, and the like. There are some others that I can make, but don’t end up as well.” I was interrupted by the arrival of our food.
The waiter walked up to our table, carrying our food in his magic as he spoke up. “Good afternoon. How are you this fine day?” Bringing up our dishes, the waiter asked, “And who ordered the salad?” I raised my hoof as he set my plate down in front of me. I was too busy looking hungrily at my food that I barely noticed when he left saying, “If there’s anything you need, do not hesitate to ask.”
Digging into my deliciously prepared food, I learned that it tasted just as good as it looked. Rain Bell looked up from her food. “Hey, Amethyst.” I looked up. “Do you think you could make me something when you’re done with your commission?”
“Well…” I trailed off and Rain Bell looked at me with pleading eyes. “Alright. I’ll do it,” I said, giving up as Rain Bell cheered drawing the eyes of nearby diners to us. I hurriedly finished my food to escape those eyes and as we got up to leave, we left behind a generous tip for the waiter with our bill.
Looking towards me as we walked away from the restaurant, Rain Bell asked, “Care for some dessert? Cupcakes or something like that.”
At the mention of cupcakes, I jumped up exclaiming, “Yes!” Recollecting myself, I replied casually, “Um… Sorry about that. It’s just that when I was a filly I didn't get many cupcakes except for special events or something good I did. So they've been something that I've always savored.”
Rain Bell chuckled as we reached our new destination, Sugarcube Corner. It possessed the typical Ponyville style of nonsensical architecture. This one looked almost like a giant replica of a gingerbread house built that my Mom and I would make during Hearth’s Warming Eve. As Rain Bell and I entered inside, the building looked no different than any other building around town, leaving me a little sad.
Reaching the counter where many sweets were on display, all of them looking delicious, we were greeted by a blue mare with a cotton candy pink mane. “Hello and welcome to Sugarcube Corner. Is there anything I can get for you and your friend, Rain Bell?”
“Yes please,” Rain Bell answered. “I’ll take two lemon cupcakes,” She started before turning to me. “If that’s okay with you, that is.”
“Huh?” I replied, snapped out of my trance the sweets on display put me under. “Oh yeah, I love lemon!”
“Alright, I’ll take two lemon cupcakes please,” Rain Bell said to the mare at the counter. She placed two cupcakes on the counter, taking the bits Rain Bell had left there.
We grabbed the cupcakes and settled at a nearby table. This looks so good, I thought to myself as I grasped the sweet in my magic. Peeling the wrapping off to expose the cakey insides, I took a bite of the cupcake.
It was pure, lemony goodness with the flavor blended throughout in just the right ways. The lemon flavor was great, but not overpowering leaving it as the best tasting cupcake I ever had.
I slowly finished it off, savoring every bite of it as Rain Bell spoke up. “About the necklace that I wanted you to make for me…” She started.
I looked up from my cupcake and listened as Rain Bell spoke again. “I was wondering if you could do something simple with several sapphires. Do you think you could do that for me?”
“Sure,” I said, thinking about several designs I could do for it. “I might need to be reminded though. My memory isn’t the best.”
“Okay. Thank you so much for this!” Rain Bell exclaimed, “I can’t wait for it to be finished. Don’t think that you need to do it anytime soon though,” She added after a second of pause. “Just the thought alone counts.”
“Aw, it’s nothing,” I said, blushing a little.
We got up from our table after our cupcakes were gone, bidding farewell to the storekeeper to head back home.
__________
Plopping down on one of Rain Bell’s two couches, I laid down, relaxing as she took seat on the other.
After a few minutes of silence, Rain Bell spoke up. “There’s this new club that I’ve been meaning to go to recently. Would you mind coming with me to it tonight?” She asked looking up at me, an unsure, but hopeful look on her face.
“Well…” I trailed off. Clubs were not my thing with their big crowds and generally left me with a claustrophobic feeling whenever I went to them. Plus, I’d rather not lose my one and only friend for something as small as this. That didn't really change my feelings yet. “I still need to work on my commission…”
“Please?” Rain Bell pleaded. “I don’t have anybody else to go with right now. and we don’t have anything planned for tonight. Plus you could always work on your commission tomorrow.” She added, a smile on her face.
Sighing in defeat, I told her, “Fine. I’ll go.” Rain Bell jumped up cheering as I looked down at my hooves. “When are we going to go?”
Rain Bell thought for a while before answering, “After dinner fine with you?”
“Alright,” I said glumly. “I’ll make dinner tonight if that’s fine with you.”
“My cooking not good enough for you,” Rain Bell replied in mock offence.
I laughed, heading over to the kitchen to make dinner. I had learned from last night’s experience that I was a much better cook than Rain Bell or so I thought I was. While Rain Bell could only make a simple pasta, I could make a meal. Maybe not as good as Mom, but I could still make it taste pretty exquisite.
__________
Leaving behind the comfort of the house, I followed Rain Bell as she took us towards the club. I cast a last glance at the house as we rounded the corner to the club.
“You’re going to love this club,” Rain Bell said, looking cheerful. “Who knows, maybe you’ll find a nice stallion while you’re there.”
“Heh, yeah…” I nervously laughed, “Who knows…” I forgot that I never told Rain Bell that I wasn't into stallions. Better keep that to myself, I thought to myself, Who know’s what that might bring.
Rain Bell chuckled. “What? Are you nervous, Amethyst? I’m sure you’ll have a good time regardless. I've heard nothing but good remarks about this club from my friends.” We continued trotting along before we came in sight to the club, Dirty Beats.
I could hear electronic music playing from the inside before we reached the doors as several ponies made their way inside to enjoy the night. Rain Bell and I followed inside only to be greeted by several large crowds. I groaned, barely audible through the music and closely followed Rain Bell.
“You don’t have to follow me, unless you really want to, Amethyst,” Rain Bell yelled over the music to me. “Try and have a good time.” As she said that to me, a pony walked between us and the crowd swallowed Rain Bell up.
“Oh great!” I mumbled to myself in despair. I tried to search for her, but the crowds tide would not let me. My eye’s came across the bar. Well I have nothing else to do… I’m sure a few drinks won’t hurt, I thought to myself as I headed over to it and took a seat on a stool.
The bartender walked up to me and asked, “What can I get for you?”
“Um…” I trailed off, not really sure what to order, not being much of a drinker. I finally settled for asking, “What would you recommend?”
“Well, I have all sorts of drinks,” He started, taking a good look at me. “You don’t look like you can handle a very strong drink,” The bartender said, before quickly adding, “No offence of course. I’d recommend a good, hard apple cider.”
I pondered once again whether or not I should, then I finally gave in to myself. “Okay. Pour me a shot of that, please.” He nodded and got out a shot glass with the club’s logo imprinted on the side of it. As he poured in the cider, another stallion came up beside me and took a seat.
He kept to himself for a while as I nursed my drink before he finally spoke up. “Hey there…” He paused for a second, then continued, “You’re really beautiful, you know.”
“Um… Thanks?” I said, unsure as to what he meant by that. Unfortunately, the stallion found that as an opportunity to keep talking.
“I couldn't help but notice you sitting here alone,” He said. I could feel him looking at me, scaring me a little. “I thought maybe you would want some company.”
I reeled back in my mind while keeping a straight face. “No thanks,” I rejected coldly as I turned to look at him. He was a stallion in his young adult ages, probably around my age. He had a brown coat and a flowing black mane.
He looked shocked for a minute, finally speaking up again and setting a hoof on my shoulder. “Oh, come on. I know you don’t want to be alone.”
I slapped his hoof off of me as I looked at him, before telling him flat out, “I would greatly appreciate it if you left me alone. I’m not interested in you and I never will be.”
“Pfft,” He snorted getting up to leave. “I’ll be back, eventually,” he promised as he left me to get swallowed up into the crowd. I sighed as I turned back to finish my drink. As the bartender did another check on his patrons, he filled my glass again. Downing it in one go, I asked for another. He obliged and this went on for several times.
“Thanks,” I managed to mumble, feeling very tipsy from all the cider. I got off my chair and wobbled into the crowd for a while. Many ponies were dancing with friends to the music blaring all over the club while others sat around tables, chatting and drinking.
My eyes eventually came across a cyan pony sitting near a group of ponies and laughing. Making my way over to the group, I tapped the pony on the shoulder.
“Hey there. You look beautiful. Wanna come over to my house?” I managed to say, stumbling through my words. The pony looked away from the group towards me before recognition flickered through their eyes.
“Amethyst, what’s wrong with you?” The pony, a mare I noticed now, replied.
“Is that a yes or a no?” I asked through my drunken haze. “I could show you a wild time if you want.”
“Um, no thank you. I’m not into mares,” She said before turning back to her friends as she heard a few snickers. “I’m not into mares, guys. Grow up.” Facing me again, the cyan mare sighed, “Come on, Amethyst. Let’s get you home.”
I giggled, partly due to my drunkenness, “So you are coming back to my house. Alright!” The mare hit me upside the head, causing me to make another stupid response. “Wow! You really want to get rough, huh lovermare?”
She facehoofed before tugging me out of the club, saying good byes to her friends along the way. Talking to herself under her breath, the mare mumbled, “You and I are going to have quite the chat when you’re sober.”
__________
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
Contact me at hunterofstealth@gmail.com
__________
Stats
Page generated in 0.041 seconds
Total duration
791 users online
1,070,929 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
... Well, this is good, but could improve with a few changes. You could elaborate a bit more, everything happens so fast. It's like when someone asks you what you did yesterday and you start telling them a summary of what you did but don't say the details.
The ways the ponies introduce themselves, that feels so unnatural:
People don't greet like that. They would greet like this:
Now, Amethyst is new in town so she doesn't know Twilight's name, so you wrote: "I'm Twilight Sparkle and this is my library." This is the part that feels weird. If you want Amethyst to learn Twilight's name without her asking for it, as I assume she isn't really interested in it, you could have done this:
Ponyville isn't that big of a town, and Rain Bell has been living there for a while now, so she most likely knows the name of the librarian. This makes it feel more natural. The same could be done when they went to Sugarcube Corner and greeted Mrs. Cake.
Now for Rarity's:
Also feels weird. You can fix it like this:
That's it. Just elaborate a bit more and, only if you want, change the introduction of the ponies. Other than that, this has potential. An editor would help too.
4142952 Okay, thanks for the advice. I think I shall go back through, change most of the interactions, and keep it in mind for future chapters. Still new to writing so thanks for the advice.
I was new to this too, and there were people that pointed out the mistakes I made and helped me improve a bit. But I improved even more after reading some of the top rated stories (mostly romance), takingthem as examples of how I should write.
Let me recommend you a few:
A really good story, well written and that:
Mirror's Image.
A really good romance story:
Unexpected confessions.
A good romance with an OCxCanon.(This one could help you):
Colors of the heart.
I hope this helps at least a bit.
4145379 I'll keep those in mind. Thanks for the tips!
4145379 4145707
Ah, so this is where you came from and how you found me.
Anyways... Hmm, this story description sounds rather familiar, I think I've seen something like it before.
However joking aside, if you ask me it feels like perhaps you are giving a bit too much away with how much you tell the reader from the story description alone. You want the story description to draw the reader in, to entice them to begin reading and learn more about what the story entails. So giving them too much information essentially is laying out the pavement of what is going to happen in the story.
This can go to a point where a reader doesn't even need to read the story to know what happens in it, as the description alone just told them what the outcome will be. This takes away a large portion of the enjoyment.
Think of your description as if you are trying to sell tickets to get people to watch a race through an obstacle course:
"Whoa, just look at how brutal and fearsome this obstacle course is! Will all racers make it through this beast alive? Or will half of the racers bones be shattered into bits on the dreaded spinning log like last season's contestants? Will the Jig-saw claim another life?! Stay tuned to find out! ....Oh, by the way, no one dies this year and contestants number two and six win first and second place."
See the problem here?
The viewers know the obstacle course will be fun to watch, as it looks dangerous and people have been hurt running it before. While this is awesome and all, they... kind of, sort of already know the ending outcome, which take's a lot of the fun out of it.
This can be said for many shipping stories that I see, especially those with an OC. Throwing an OC into the mix of cannon characters adds a sense of mystery. They see a romance tag and an OC tag and wonder how it will turn out. While for some that a lone is taboo, however if a story sounds good enough or is recommended highly enough, people may set aside their worries and give it a try anyways. Because, who knows? They may find that they might actually enjoy it; maybe even love it.
But enough of my long winded mumbo-jumbo. I'll actually read the story now and give some more input later.
4151306 Ok, I'm going to rewrite my description. Shouldn't be to late now, right?
Oh yeah, as to the similarities between our stories, I didn't know about yours first, then it was recommended to me, so I read it. 
Noticed the similarities pretty quickly.
4152496
It's never too late to tweak things, in fact I plan to rewrite my stories discription soon myself. I just need to get around to doing it and stop being lazy.
Yeah, I just found that the stories coincidentally having whole starting in Manhattan with no social ties, etc. pretty neat.
well it´s funny and interesting, the first mare romance i find here.