Sometimes, the Big Apple is not the place for everypony. Crowds everywhere and most ponies not caring about others as they go about their daily business. This leaves many ponies neglected without many, if any, ties to others. Amethyst is one of these ponies.
Hailing from Manehattan, she has had no friends at all except for her mother. Deciding that there was nothing for her in the busy streets of Manehattan where she had no friends, She takes a train to Ponyville. Deciding on following in her mother's footsteps and becoming a jeweler, Amethyst meets several new experiences that she had never had before in the big city.
Proofreader: Therewardischeese
Proofreader/Advisor: elmago02
This is my first fan fiction so please bear with it and provide some constructive criticism
Note: Cover picture is temporary until my artist finally makes one for me.
... Well, this is good, but could improve with a few changes. You could elaborate a bit more, everything happens so fast. It's like when someone asks you what you did yesterday and you start telling them a summary of what you did but don't say the details.
The ways the ponies introduce themselves, that feels so unnatural:
People don't greet like that. They would greet like this:
Now, Amethyst is new in town so she doesn't know Twilight's name, so you wrote: "I'm Twilight Sparkle and this is my library." This is the part that feels weird. If you want Amethyst to learn Twilight's name without her asking for it, as I assume she isn't really interested in it, you could have done this:
Ponyville isn't that big of a town, and Rain Bell has been living there for a while now, so she most likely knows the name of the librarian. This makes it feel more natural. The same could be done when they went to Sugarcube Corner and greeted Mrs. Cake.
Now for Rarity's:
Also feels weird. You can fix it like this:
That's it. Just elaborate a bit more and, only if you want, change the introduction of the ponies. Other than that, this has potential. An editor would help too.
4142952 Okay, thanks for the advice. I think I shall go back through, change most of the interactions, and keep it in mind for future chapters. Still new to writing so thanks for the advice.
I was new to this too, and there were people that pointed out the mistakes I made and helped me improve a bit. But I improved even more after reading some of the top rated stories (mostly romance), takingthem as examples of how I should write.
Let me recommend you a few:
A really good story, well written and that:
Mirror's Image.
A really good romance story:
Unexpected confessions.
A good romance with an OCxCanon.(This one could help you):
Colors of the heart.
I hope this helps at least a bit.
4145379 I'll keep those in mind. Thanks for the tips!
4145379 4145707
Ah, so this is where you came from and how you found me.
Anyways... Hmm, this story description sounds rather familiar, I think I've seen something like it before.
However joking aside, if you ask me it feels like perhaps you are giving a bit too much away with how much you tell the reader from the story description alone. You want the story description to draw the reader in, to entice them to begin reading and learn more about what the story entails. So giving them too much information essentially is laying out the pavement of what is going to happen in the story.
This can go to a point where a reader doesn't even need to read the story to know what happens in it, as the description alone just told them what the outcome will be. This takes away a large portion of the enjoyment.
Think of your description as if you are trying to sell tickets to get people to watch a race through an obstacle course:
"Whoa, just look at how brutal and fearsome this obstacle course is! Will all racers make it through this beast alive? Or will half of the racers bones be shattered into bits on the dreaded spinning log like last season's contestants? Will the Jig-saw claim another life?! Stay tuned to find out! ....Oh, by the way, no one dies this year and contestants number two and six win first and second place."
See the problem here?
The viewers know the obstacle course will be fun to watch, as it looks dangerous and people have been hurt running it before. While this is awesome and all, they... kind of, sort of already know the ending outcome, which take's a lot of the fun out of it.
This can be said for many shipping stories that I see, especially those with an OC. Throwing an OC into the mix of cannon characters adds a sense of mystery. They see a romance tag and an OC tag and wonder how it will turn out. While for some that a lone is taboo, however if a story sounds good enough or is recommended highly enough, people may set aside their worries and give it a try anyways. Because, who knows? They may find that they might actually enjoy it; maybe even love it.
But enough of my long winded mumbo-jumbo. I'll actually read the story now and give some more input later.
4151306 Ok, I'm going to rewrite my description. Shouldn't be to late now, right?
Oh yeah, as to the similarities between our stories, I didn't know about yours first, then it was recommended to me, so I read it. 
Noticed the similarities pretty quickly.
4152496
It's never too late to tweak things, in fact I plan to rewrite my stories discription soon myself. I just need to get around to doing it and stop being lazy.
Yeah, I just found that the stories coincidentally having whole starting in Manhattan with no social ties, etc. pretty neat.
" Thinking about my mother's words. I figured that this would also help me become a better pony, as well as bring even more jobs to my table." that should be a comma, not a period.
Also, always use "[other person] and I".
The introduction seems to me a bit too telly and not enough showy, but that might be a stylistic choice on your part, so I'll leave that alone.
Overall, it's not a bad read so far. I can tell that you have a plot in mind, which is great. The dialogue seems a bit mechanical, but again that could be a stylistic choice given what you've revealed about the characters' backgrounds.
Just keep writing. I'm sure you'll work out the kinks in no time.
I have a question. Can I send junk mail to your email?
Now talking seriously, I see a bit of improvement in this chapter.
I re-read the first two chapters and well, I see that you made the changes I suggested, nice.
Now, I spotted two new things:
1st) Chapter two, in the bar, when Amethyst drink a few shots and talks with a strange mare for a moment. What was the purpose of that? Nothing import happened there. If you want to make something of these scene, I suggest you change the mare into a stallion and make him flirt with Amethyst, but she blew him away, as she isn't interested in stallions. A second option could be that Amethyst was talking with the barman or something like that.
2nd)Mostly, Rain Bell. For example the offering of the room. How lucky of Amethyst of getting a room without even looking for one. If I was Rain Bell, and I had met this pony that doesn't act friendly, I wouldn't had offered a room in my house to this pony. The way they became friends so fast and how she practical spends every second of the day with Amethyst. It's just so... clingy.
Now, here is a case where all of that makes perfect sense. My theory is that Rain Bell feels attracted to Amethyst. This dialog:
The addition of mares here seems unnecessary, but, if Rain Bell was trying to get a reaction from Amethyst with this question, that's something completely different.
But of course, this theory falls apart when Amethyst is hitting on her in the bar... That, or, Rain Bell doesn't feel comfortable with her preferences in public. So she takes Amethyst out of the bar, but she quickly passes out before Rain Bell can make a move.
I'm going to deep with this theory, so I will just stop here.
4153814 Style? What's that? Onto seriousness, Yeah I don't really have a style right now, but I'm sure that I will develop one soon as I keep writing. For the background, I think that I may change that a bit or omit it for a prologue to explain. As to dialogue, I've never been strong with making it lively instead of mechanical. I really hope that I make it better over time. Did I make a mistake though with the '[other pony] and I'? I was sure that I made care to step around that landmine.
4154228 Yes, you may send stuff to that email. I shall look forward to it. Thank you for more tips. As to '1', I think that I will incorporate that into my story; and to '2' hmm, maybe I could incorporate some (peppermint) plot twists.
(sorry couldn't help it.) Otherwise I would have to change a bit of stuff around. Again, thanks for the tips. 
(edit) As to your theory being blown, I don't think Rain Bell might have acted then, since Amethyst is drunk, and more than likely out of her right mind. Can't do anything with a drunk pony unless you're drunk too.
*obligatory butt joke goes here*
Should be 'your', not 'you're'.
I'm here once more, and I'm happy to see improvement, even if it's just a bit.
So, let's start: Things I saw in this chapter.
That shouldn't be there.
Something is missing here? Maybe this: " ?
Now, to the conversations and dialogues:
There's nothing wrong with this, but it would improve more if you added an action or something more. Examples:
You did something like this in a few dialogues, but others were plain and simple,
I won't go deeper in this as is not completely necessary.
Other stuff:
This "ladies"... I just don't know what it is but it feels weird when I read it. Try this:
This here, was an extreme change in Amethyst behaviour. Just a few lines back, Amethyst was blushing and tripping over her words near Fleur. So Amethyst being so confident here, it doesn't feel right. I believe something like this would fit better.
That's it for this chapter.
Now, a few questions: Will Fancy Pants make an appearance? What is his relationship with Fleur? Friend? Husband? Brother? Cyborg from the future that is protecting her?
4180672 Thank you for that catch. I await thou butt joke if thou so wishest to posteth it.
4180749 As always, thank you for the feedback.
I shall keep your dialogue tips in mind when I write now. I've never been good at dialogue, but this whole fanfiction writing is definitely helping me out. 
Hmm, about Fancy, I do like the idea of him being a cyborg from the future (might have to keep that idea for later). However, he is going to be explained a little later as Fleur's *censored*. Haha, I shall keep you in suspense now! (I just realized how inappropriate that might sound. Might not be the best idea to be typing late at night when I should be asleep and I don't have my glasses on.)
4181258 Incoming butt joke - hey, baby, I must've found the Ark, because your ass is outta this world. (Arby n' the Chief taught me that one.)
This has to be a sideplot or something. I'm all for this idea.
4181939 haha plot.
When i make the extras, i think i might add that in. 
4181971 Sweet. :)
Amethyst speaks maybe a bit to much, i mean she seems not want to speak with the ponys to much at the begining.^^
I like it when a character is a bit antisocial at first and need on or two other ponies to get her more open. (i don´t know if i am making sense here but i like the story or your main char. so far.)
well it´s funny and interesting, the first mare romance i find here.
maybe it went out to good for Amethys sometimes but i like it. I am to tired rigth now to explain it very well.
4227195 Well when I do my rewrites, maybe I'll keep that in mind.
4241707 i hope i don´t push you to much, but i want to make sure that the story still goes on. I reorganize my favourites and only want the storys in it, wich are going to be complete sooner or later. It is enough to let me know you still continue it.
4353312 I'm still working on it, so don't worry.
I've just been distracted by Counter-Strike and schoolwork, so I've been slacking off in the writing department.
I have chapter five and the prologue done, but I still want to finish rewriting several chapters before I post them. I really hope to have them finished by this weekend. In other words, yes, I am still continuing it.
I enjoyed this
4445960 Glad to hear that!
This ship doth sail itself, methinks.
I am not sure anymore that i still know all about the story, but I like the Prolog and the last Chapter, it have the right range i think.
Did you rewritten all the chapters? I just want to know if i have to read them again if there is something knew to read
4450934 Well thanks for the feedback!
As to your question, I only rewrote chapters one and two. I might rewrite others later, but I have no plans to do so right now.
I know that feel.
>“Well. Hello Amethyst. I’m… Well, I’m your father.”
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4800636 I was actually expecting a certain Star Wars reference that I was thinking of when I wrote that.
The dating scene was way too short. Have them wait some minutes before serving them dinner! You can stretch that by having them talking about the weather schedule or similar, not-important stuff (Ponyvilles' last monster attack, etc.).
EDIT: And may I ask why there is that "sex"-tag on your story?
6168189 Honestly, it's been so long since I've actually done anything for this story that I don't remember why I added it. It wasn't for anything explicit and I think it was more for sexual themes during chapter two that were more implied. If I ever get back to working on this story, I'll make sure to re-edit that (as well as pretty much the entire story) to make it better.