This girl is a fucking loon.
I feel bad saying that, but it's true. Her story doesn't make a lick of damn sense. It'd be one thing if she simply couldn't remember anything from the past few days, but this 'Fluttershy' was totally convinced of some pretty stupid fucking things.
"Uh, Fluttershy? That's uh... mmm... 's an... interesting name," I said, biting my lip.
The girl apparently named Fluttershy looked hurt. "What's wrong with my name?"
"Oh! Uh, nothing, I guess. 's jus', that's kinda... strange name. Never met anyone like that."
"W-well, I've never heard of a name like Dante before." she mumbled.
"No? Dante's Inferno? Never heard of it?" She shook her head. I shrugged. "Well, it is an uncommon name. 'specially 'round here." Something clicked in my head. "Actually, that reminds me. I dunno where yer from."
Fluttershy seemed much more relaxed now. She looked like she was settling into the bed and starting to get comfortable. "I'm from Ponyville," she said.
I squinted my eyes in confusion. "Um... where's that?" I asked skeptically.
"It's in Equestria, just a little outside Canterlot."
My eyes went wide with confusion. "Uh... huh. ...And where the hell-... sorry. Where is that?"
Now Fluttershy looked puzzled. "It's... it's the name of our kingdom. Don't you know of it?"
There was an audible pause as an awkward silence grew between us. Finally, I managed to find my voice. "There's... nowhere... on Earth... called Equestria."
"Earth? Wh-what's that?"
My disbelief was growing exponentially. "It's... it's the name of the planet."
"Th-that can't be right. Our world is... called... Equus..." Fluttershy trailed off as an idea came to her. "Wait, is that why I'm not a pony anymore?"
I stared at her blankly. "...huh?"
"I was a pony back in Equestria," 'Fluttershy' explained. "A pegasus, actually. Since I've never heard of Earth before, does this mean that I turned into the species native here when I arrived?"
Is this girl serious? Does she think I'm stupid? She must, or there's no way she'd expect me to believe any of this. Maybe this is just some elaborate prank? That's got to be it. She'll say the craziest bullshit and try to convince me she's serious. And up to this point, I'd fallen for it! No, wait. That doesn't explain why she was naked. Was it part of the trick? I'm not sure what difference that would make. What is she up to?
"Well," I said, hastily. I needed to change the subject, fast. "Looks like yuv had a long day. Ahh... tell ya what: why don' chya take a bath, jus' relax, an' we'll talk 'bout this s'more later?"
'Fluttershy' seemed surprised by the offer. "I suppose I could use one," she said, glancing down, embarrassed. "Are you sure it wouldn't be too much trouble?"
I smirked and shook my head. "Yeah, don' worry 'bout it. You jus' wait here, 'n' ah'll be back in a minute." I stepped off the bed and crossed the hallway into the bathroom.
I tried to go over everything 'Fluttershy' had told me while I ran the water, but I drew a blank the entire time. There was something about her that was bothering me. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her to drop the act. Anyone else, I would have brought this game to an end. There was something different about her, though. She seemed so... innocent. And completely genuine. I'm not sure why, but that's just the feeling I got from her.
That didn't mean her story checked out. Far from it, that was still bullshit. But I can't prove to her that she's wrong, yet. Maybe the best way to find out how she got here would be to get to know her. I mean, what other choice did I have?
When I finished drawing the bath, I grabbed a body towel from the closet and walked back to my parents' room. 'Fluttershy' had gotten out of bed and was looking out the window, having pulled the curtains open. She had a view of the back yard, the porch attached to the house, the weed-infested 'garden' in the corner, and the magnolia tree immediately off to the side. She seemed to be looking directly at the tree, taking it in in its entirety. I could understand: every year, when it was in full bloom, the tree never ceased to amaze me. The pink and slightly-purple flower petals open up, and the whole tree comes to life with color. It's truly a sight to behold.
"Beautiful, isn' it?" I asked, standing next to her. I had made sure to hold the towel in such a way that I couldn't see below her neck.
'Fluttershy' flinched slightly when she heard me, but then her smile returned. "Yes, it is beautiful. I've never seen a tree like that before."
"Really? Well, lucky you. This is the only one in th' whole town." I sighed contently. "Anyway, th' bath's ready," I said, handing her the towel.
"Thank you," she said, taking the towel and making her way to the bathroom. She had a funny way of walking, though. Her movement was unsteady, and she needed to lean against the wall and furniture to stay upright, much like a toddler taking his first steps. I watched her until she entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind herself. I heard splashing as she stepped into the tub.
I sighed, shaking my head. "What've I gotten myself into?"
Amnesia refers to the loss of memories, such as facts, information and experiences. Though having no sense of who you are is a common plot device in movies and television, real-life amnesia generally doesn't cause a loss of self-identity. Instead, people with amnesia — also called amnestic syndrome — are usually lucid and know who they are, but may have trouble learning new information and forming new memories.
-Mayo Clinic
A delusion is a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary.
-Wikipedia
Delusional disorder is characterized by the presence of non-bizarre delusions. Non-bizarre delusions typically are beliefs of something occurring in a person’s life which is not out of the realm of possibility.
Bizarre Delusion-A fixed, false belief which, unlike non-bizarre delusions, cannot possibly be true.
-PsychCentral
I stared at the screen of my laptop for several minutes before I tilted my head down and massaged the bridge of my nose in frustration. So this is what I was dealing with: an amnesiac girl plagued by bizarre delusions. Fucking lovely.
Interesting, keep it up!
"It's not even good." Incorrect. There just isn't enough of it.
You're right, it's crap. But I wanna see where this will go
This is good, it's not bad. I could use with a bit less swearing, like in the first chapter though. Interesting. But keep posting chapters!
4086464 Saying it's crap but not saying why doesn't help me. I appreciate criticism as long as I can use it to improve my writing. The better question, though, is why you want to see where this goes if you don't like it.
4086594 I never said I didn't like it
4085669
Well, I wouldn't say it's bad. It's just got a premise that some people dislike. Personally, though, I think it has a lot of potential, and it can be great if done right
4086594 he's jest mess in with yea man -tank
4086594 It isn't bad, but your accent is understood through dialogue. It isn't necessary to show how you pronounce some words as thoroughly as you've done in some parts, though if it is an exaggerated quirk like Fluttershy's shyness, I can understand.
I can assume that the previous commenter was thinking it wasn't that great because there are still a lot of unanswered "why's and how's", even if they're a plot device. There's also your character's apathy. Characterization requires character, so even if Dante doesn't give a shit about anything, give him something that makes him happy, or something that makes him more like a real person.
For example, his occupation is something that could tell us something about him. We already know who Fluttershy is, but Dante is just a slightly dramatic human with an Apple family accent. I'm picturing tthis differently in my head
Anyway, I love the story, and please don't take my criticisms too harshly. Tbh, when I said occupation, it probably isn't relevant to this story as Dante living with his parents, do please don't change it too much. I'm not even a writer, so don't take my nitpicks as actual problems. I love this story and can't wait to see where it goes.
Sidenote: can't wait to see what happens when the parents come home.
4087284 Thank you for the thorough criticism (criticism- the analysis and judgment of the merits and faults of a literary or artistic work). I think I'll take your advice about the character's pronunciation of words. I've already established the way he speaks, so that extra emphasis probably isn't necessary anymore.
It's alarming to me that you find Dante to be apathetic. My intention was to write him as being more cynical, but if he's an apathetic a-hole, then that's a problem. Luckily, I already have plans to delve into Dante's life in about two more chapters.
Dante's not supposed to have an Apple family accent, but my emphasis on writing his dialogue the way I did may have worked against me. I would know: as I've stated before, his accent is supposed to reflect my real-life dialect, and country accents are unusual to me.
This probably wasn't your intention, but you also brought up a point that I may have to review and change. It concerns something not-yet-published, but I don't want to divulge that info just yet.
Thank you again for your criticism, and I hope I don't disappoint.
4087852 I already like the accent :D it's nice!
4088030 *shrugs* Maybe I'm writing it wrong.
Not even good? Are you INSANE?
4088206 You sir, have obtained a thumbs up, a favorite, and a cookie.
-Hands you said cookie-
4088206 S'alright, I'm really seeing it more now that I've read chapter 2. Come to think of it, I think I talk like that, too.
4087948
4088766
Goddammit, I really need to fix that line...
MOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
4088893
Your profile picture made me choke on my drink...
4087852 seems like a southern ohio/ kentucky accent honestly, which "technically" isn't southern, but a hell of a lot different from the rest of the midwest. Or so I [hear]. Anyway, I was referring mainly to contracted words, 'sokay to do that but not excessively. And you haven't done it excessively yet. So don't worry too much.
I also didn't mean to make it sound like Dante was dislikable I just didn't know how to express the vibe I was getting.
It's hard to disappoint me
Sorry for being so chatty, it's just a thing I do when I find something interesting
4089421 just read the tags again.
"sex" "romance"
Ah. Seems like you've made a few adjustments to the accent. Much more natural sounding now.
Really good story so far. Like the adjustments you made on the accent. And yes, this is a VERY popular story.
I can understand his frustrations but he can see she isn't lying. So he should have not reacted anyway but understanding. If the same thing had happened to me before I knew anything about mlp, I'd have been understanding
Enjoyed and will no doubt enjoy the next chapter too
One, the story is really not bad so far.
Two, the first chapter was sexual?
this story is a good concept, restart this thing if at all possible. the first chapter was amazing! Keep this this thing going! Rewrite it if you have to, just revive this please!