Well, this is new...

by CommunistTaco

Chapter 3: Welcome to Ponyville (v2)

Note: This is not the original version of this chapter. If you wish to view the original it can be found here: http://pastebin.com/ryZ2TVx1

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Why does life hate me. All I wanted was to live a normal life but NOOO. Life decides to spin the wheel of fate and sucks me into the magical pony land of Equestria. I'm surprised that I'm managing to cling onto the small amount of sanity I have left. I'm extremely close to just curling up in a ball and muttering like a psychopath.

There's a famous saying; 'When life gives you lemons make lemonade.' Well in my case life has just handed me tomatoes and expects me to make lemonade out of em. How the hell am I supposed to do that?! It's the roller coaster that never ends... and I'm along for the ride...

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The next few minutes were a complete blur. I just sat there staring off into space while the six mares around me discussed my level of sanity which was probably declining by the second anyway. Eventually I felt someone tapping my skull with their hoof. "HELLO? Anypony in there?!" I was brought back down to earth only to find the hyper pink mare from earlier staring at me with the creepiest smile I've ever seen.

"Huh what?!" I sputtered.

"Oh good you are still in there. Hi I'm Pinkie Pie! I was just saying that I can't wait to throw you your super special, one of a kind, Welcome to Equestria Party! It's gonna be so much fun! We'll have cake and punch and party games and EVERYPONY in Ponyville will be there! Oh its gonna be so much fun!!!!!"

She reminded me of a kid who couldn't wait to go somewhere or do something, but all the time. I was like she had a nuclear reactor inside of her supplying her body with endless energy. She also seemed to defy the laws of physics which was surprisingly less concerning to me considering the situation I was in.

I didn't know what to do about the verbal onslaught I was receiving. Fortunately, to my relief, Twilight yanked Pinkie Pie back by her tail and stepped forward. "Well I hate to break this up but I really don't think we should stay in the Everfree Forest much longer. We can continue this later back in Ponyville," she stated obviously annoyed at Pinkie's personal space violation.

"Whats so bad about the forest?" I asked curiously.

"Its so... strange. The plants grow by themselves, the weather is unpredictable and uncontrollable, and all the animals take care of themselves!" Rainbow Dash explained.

"Um, whats so irregular about that?"

"What??!!! Are you crazy! This place is so unnatural, how does that not bother you?!!!!"

"I don't know what your definition of 'UNNATURAL' is but it sure as hell differs from mine!" I said giving Rainbow a glare.

"WE don't have time for this!" Twilight exclaimed, "C'mon everypony!"

We set off towards the forest's edge me trailing a few yards behind the other six. I kept trying to contemplate what exactly my situation was but couldn't come up any logical explanations.

As we marched back out of the forest, I kept quiet and listened to the hushed conversation of the six ponies leading me on. It was all to obvious that they were discussing me but I couldn't care less at this point. I managed to catch tidbits of the conversation such as "...Says he's from non-existent places..." and "Thinks the Everfree is perfectly normal? What is he? Crazy?!..." and the occasional mention of 'insanity' or 'amnesia'.

I remained quiet until I saw Twilight levitating piece of parchment in thin air. Immediately I freaked out. "HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT?!!" I demanded pointing a hoof at her.

Twilight who jumped at my sudden outburst turned to me with a expressing of mixed confusion. "Um what exactly am I doing?" she asked.

"How the fuck are you levitating that paper?!!!" I exclaimed in response.

"Now there's no need for that kind of language," Twilight started until I gave her a menacing glare, "and the answer your looking for is magic."

'MAGIC?!!! FUCKING MAGIC????!!! SERIOUSLY?!!!!'

My eye twitched. "Whelp I'm done. Where's the nearest cliff?" I asked in a completely serious tone.

"Um... why?" Twilight asked.

"Oh no reason, I'm just gonna sit around, chilax, then jump off nothing much," I replied sardonically.

"Why in the world would you do that?!!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Magic... I just can't take this place, world... wherever the hell this is. I'm done, I ain't putting up with any more of this shit," I replied.

"Now hang on, there's no need to be rash, I'm sure once we meet the princesses we can get this all worke..."

"I DONT WANT TO MEET WITH YOUR GODDAMN DICTATORS!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I shouted in her face.

"Hey! Nopony talks about the princesses that way!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed angrily one again getting in my face.

"Ooh we got ourselves a little radical here. How much brown nosing did you have to do to get to be 'buddy buddy' with your tyranny of a government. I bet you had to pull some favors if you know what I mean," I taunted back.

"What? No!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as her cheeks heated up.

"Hah you blushed! So you are that kind of gal!" I exclaimed back at her.

Her face had contorted in one of pure rage. She socked me right in the face with her hoof rending me unconscious almost instantly. 'Totally worth it' I thought as my vision went to black.

---

I woke up a few minutes later floating in mid air for some reason. I looked around and saw we were still in the forest and I was indeed being levitated in mid air by Twilight using her 'magic'. When she noticed I was awake she halted and set me on the ground gently. "Are you gonna be okay or am I gonna have to drag you all the way to Ponyville?" she asked.

I sighed. "Yeah I'm really sorry guys. I kind of lost it there. And sorry Rainbow for accusing you of *cough* being a 'night time' girl."

"Yeah I'm sorry too. I used to get accused of being a fillyfooler and a prostitute back in the academy so when you started calling me those names I kinda lost it as well," Rainbow admitted.

"Well as a fellow victim of bullying I can relate to you there," I said sympathetically assuming 'fillyfooler' was the pony equivalent of a lesbian.

"But just so you know. I still don't trust you," Rainbow said getting in my face for a split sec then backing off.

I sighed again and continued walking in silence.

Eventually we made our way out of the forest and began walking towards the town I had spotted when first exiting the forest. I assumed this to be the fabled 'Ponyville' that the six mares were saying so much about. 'Very creative name. Must of took ages to think of that one.' I though sarcastically.

We made our way towards the town in awkward silence mainly trying to avoid another outburst. Eventually the six mares began discussing again but this time I made sure not to interrupt in the fear of becoming more concussed than I likely already was.

After entering the town we began walking down the assorted streets filled with ponies of every shape, color, and size imaginable. It hurt my eyes just to look at the color avalanche assaulting my vision. As we went, a few ponies greeted one or more of the mares acting as my guides. More than once one of them tried to talk to me but I met them with a glare that said 'Do I really look like the kind of guy who wants to engage in conversation at the moment?

We finally stopped in front of what looked like a giant tree house. "Well Vlad here we are. This is the town library as well as my place of residence," Twilight stated as she unlocked the door.

'A library inside of a tree, how... ironic' I mentally chuckled.

Twilight walked through the front door followed by the other 5 mares as well as myself. "Spike! I'm home! Get a piece of parchment and a quill so I can write my report to the princess would ya!" Twilight called.

I heard some shuffling around upstairs and what came down looked like a bipedal green and purple lizard. I assumed this was 'Spike' as Twilight had called him as he had the items she requested in his hands... claws? "I'm ready to write Twilight!" he exclaimed enthusiastically.

"*Ahem* Dear Princess Celestia," Twilight dictated as Spike wrote down her speech on the parchment, "The other Elements and I investigated the magical anomaly like you requested. Upon arriving at the location the the anomaly occurred, we encountered a stallion by the name of Vladimir Korzhakov..."

"Uh how do you spell that?" Spike interrupted. Twilight not knowing herself turned to me upon which I provided the proper spelling of my name. Twilight then cleared her throat and resumed.

"...who claims to be linked to said anomaly whether directly or indirectly. I have no reason to believe at present that Vladimir, or 'Vlad' as he's requested us to call him, is a threat to Equestria in any way. Despite signs of possibly amnesia or other mental sickness he appears like any other normal pony. I await your reply to determine our next course of action. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

'Wow accuse me of mental illness right in front of my face, very polite'

Spike finished writing and looked up from the parchment. "All done," he stated simply. "Should I send it?"

Twilight nodded and Spike took a deep breath. Upon exhaling green flame spurt from his mouth incinerating the letter. "Um I thought you were sending the letter not destroying it," I stated flatly.

"Oh no that's just Spikes special way of sending letters easily to princess rather then waiting for the post office to ship it which could take days. This method allows me to communicate with the princess almost instantaneously," Twilight explained.

"Oh... OK. How long do you think it'll take her to reply?" I asked.

"Not long I'm sure!" Twilight stated with obvious confidence in her kingdom's ruler.

Not five seconds after she said those reassuring words a loud 'BURRP' sounded out in the room. I turned to see Spike blow out a scroll in another burst of flames. "Oh that would be that reply now," Twilight said enthusiastically.

She quickly unrolled the scroll and read over it quicker than I've ever seen someone read. Her eyes went wide and looked around the room in what seemed like panic. "Whats wrong?!" I demanded anxiously.

"The princesses are coming here in just a few minutes and I'm not prepared! Oh I'll never be ready in time!" Twilight spurted out.

"What? The princesses are coming here? What for?" I asked.

"To meet you and try to understand your involvement int the magical anomaly from earlier as well as determine whether you have amnesia of some sort." Twilight replied still flustered.

"The rulers of the kingdom are coming here to assess my mental health? Great just great," I muttered under my breath.

'This day keeps getting better and better'

Author's Note:

*Whew* Chapter 3 done. I want to thank everyone who's been supporting this story. It really means a lot to me. Until next time...

-Communist Taco

Comments

[Revenant Wings]

Denver, Colorado.

Funny... I used the exact same location a few years ago. I'll fave keep this on my radar, but no like or dislike yet.

[jaybird]

whats his cutie mark?

[CommunistTaco]

4042496 None as of now but I have a hilarious idea for what it'll be and how he'll earn it.

[damnaion]

lol that twilight and dam he going to have fun with that.
good chapter

[Profesionalac]

I love the Russian making the nuclear reactor jokes