For one that "want to hide his true intelligence", he's pretty bad at it. He clearly shows he's very smart and civilized (as opposed to feral and instinct-driven). He talks, he understands complex social cues, he show he understand what they say, he's okay with being touched and fight only when its appropriate..

I was curious because of the summary, but then the interesting bit is proven false in the first chapter (trying to be sneaky about his intelligence). Meh.

Any particular reason you separate the sentence of the spoken lines with the speaker? It makes it very awkward to read.

Mon dieu, a multipart Hand-Made? I'm almost unsure how to really comment on this one ~laughs~ Not a bad problem to have. So I'll see about two comments, one at the beginning as a first impressions and one at the end as more of a ruminating 'bit'.

Lets see, reading through it I think I only stumbled once with a double space in a sentence:

It hides in the densest trees to evade Pegasi first squad

It threw me just a bit, I can't even say why.

It's an interesting set up in the preliminary chase, had to actually look up 'natsurtium' but a lot of what I really like about it comes from some of the dialogue around the main characters: The minotaur report in particular is quite telling as is 'reports of an unknown creature' but it's contrasted well with the dialectic difference in pauses between Luna's 'hu-man' and Celestia's entirely confident handling of the word. Canst this be possible? Hath the Solar Princess obtainst such knowledge from that outside the ken of her thrall? Verily I say, for a more clever mare than she hath yet to be foaled.

Well, I might as well actually go into a bit of depth regarding Celestia herself. As per-normal she contrasts her sister quite well, being the less physical of the pair, and generally hinting towards outright devious rather than just 'clever'. One is that she's the individual offering medical aid, it does seem to be used to establish trust with an animal. The second being the whole marked claim with the loincloth covering incorporating the seal of the sun-disc. It's anatomical location can't be over-stated but it's also clever in that the garment itself is both a protection and covering, but also incorporates the tighter leash that she'll have on the character, while ensuring that it can't be so readily dismissed or ignored by those under her authority. Her first intonation that the kiss was a trick was smart too. It set the stage for her subjects and sister to understand what he was, thus eliminating their grasping for a role and comfort level for a human; thus Celestia simply applied that identity without actually telling anypony what to think. That is why I like Celestia, she's devious without needing to be malicious, heavy-hoofed, or resorting to coercive measures.

The contrast, of course, is Luna. The lack of even a modicum of respect, not only for her but in front of her subordinates is something that might be standard fare, is something I like here too. She's always teetering on a knife-point in her conflicting identities. That she can change and is held back by her sister's professions of love and support seems fair without giving into the 'hulk' mentality. It reminds me of the way they portrayed her in IDW's comics with her almost happily bouncing back from a challenge, conquering it, but getting visibly perturbed at individuals/events which can be construed as trivializing her. The little hoof waggle during the kiss of fidelity was a strong catalyst for that beyond just mundane indignation.

As for the main character: he scares me a bit. There's something that says he's not intrinsically smart, but he's perceptive and clever. He's a hunting creature, predatory, grasping, not given to the sort to recognize a haiku but rather create rifts between individuals to get what he wants: to play the fool for now and plot the coup later. So there's a real feeling of some menace or threat. There is something beyond the physical descriptions that has him approaching a supporting role in Conan -rather than, say, Sigmar- which plays to that penchant for knowing how to play individuals in order to assume more power. I think it should mesh quite well with Celestia's astuteness

So, can't wait to see how this goes.

Post Scriptum: Mistershield makes an interesting point, it does look a little peculiar.

this is interesting

too much self-praise

Im down voting this for how... Well.. Weird it is. I mean one second we're punching Luna and then making out with Celestia the next. Not to mention this guy beats down a few guard and when he is subdued they all want to ride his D? This guy cock should be catagorized as a WMD. So yeah... If this wasnt a "you" fic I would call wish fullfilment on this. Better luck next time is all I can say.

How does luna know he's human?

Why the Cave man No talk thing?

Okay, this started out pretty well, then I noticed the jarring pacing. Most of which could be fixed by having the dialogue on the same line as the actions/character using it.

"What doth happens below Us, Captain?"
Luna inquires.

This is an incredibly awkward way of portraying... well, literally anything. Who is speaking? what are they doing while they talk? It's on the next line, which makes it hard to follow.
Anyway, there's a few tense errors where you slip into past tense (I'm assuming you were going for present), but here's one way you could fix this to make it more readable:

"What doth happens below Us, Captain?" Luna inquires.

This means we immediately know who is doing the talking, and what action the speaker is taking.

Another thing, pacing. Like someone else pointed out, one second we're punching Luna and not being stabbed by guards, and the next, make out session with Tia.
I don't know what happened there... but it really breaks suspension of disbelief.

And my last point: Onomatopoeia. Written sound effects. "Bang, Zok, Pow". All of these can be written out to A: Increase story length, and B: Not sound nearly as retarded (I'm biased and hate onomatopoeia though).

"He sighs" instead of *Sigh*
"The sharp resonance of her slap against you" instead of *Slap*
"The day finally starts catching up to you as you let out a mighty yawn." instead of *Yawn*
I don't even know what

"*kiss-kiss*"

is supposed to represent... But I'm sure you could spell it out better.

All of these (and onomatopoeia in general) are examples of Telling the audience, rather than Showing.
Which is bad. You always want to show them the story, and let them unfold the story for themselves, rather than tell them.

That's my piece. Peace.

I am imagining the royal man as the great and almighty....Nicolas Cage!!!!!!

4031033 Because he said.

Do never have the balls to punch Luna in the face. XD

*id

This writing style is so hard to read, I can't tell what the fuck is going on.

Don't use words you can't spell.

4037002

4031370 I think he means that the dude puckered his lips and made a kissing sound like
"mwaa"

is it me or is the 1st person point of view being told by a cave man? this is the first story Ive read where the main character dose not know how to speak can someone explain this to me im having a hard time understanding this

This is well written and fun to read.

Nicely done!

4040843 He is pretending... Like an idiot. Except it would appear he is going to get what he wants.

4040843 it seems less like hes a cave man, and moreso like hes just playing dumb.... for sex

Here're a few things you'll want to take a look into with Luna's usage of the 2nd person:

"Nightguard! prepare *your*..." It is always you/your in the plural- thee/thou is always in singular.

"How *darest* thou..." remember to conjugate the verbs.
"Yea, Verily" I think that's how it is originally spelt.
"To *your* postings for said rising..." again, plural always leads to 3rd person.
"Thou present'st / presentest thy back" also can be "*present'st* thou thy back..." remember to conjugate with the 2nd person-

welp iT'S RAPING TIME

I want to kill both of them now. It's fucking personal.

It's easy to create characters that cross a line. It's harder to SHOW how they cross that line laden with well developed characters and the characterization to boot. Fantastic work, as always.