Chapter 1
Fuedal Mix Up
Chapter 1.
It was a bright and sunny day in Equestria and Twilight had spent the majority of the last two days cleaning out the library of which she and Spike both lived. It was during her cleaning that the violet unicorn stumbled upon two very interesting hard covered books that sparked her interest. One of them was about a mythical land known as Japan which consisted of humans that took place during what the stories called "The Feudal Era" and the other book was about the Japanese sacred remedies and different relics that were known to a "Buddhist culture" such the "Shikon-no-Tama." However, it was better referred to as "The Jewel of the Four Souls." What interested Twilight the most, however, was a rosary that came with a command that would allow one to place special beads onto another who was disobedient or even dangerous and throw them on the ground.
“How interesting,” she said jokingly to herself. “I wonder if I could make a rosary to put on Pinkie Pie to keep her from disrupting me every time I study.” Twilight laughed to herself quietly and then shook her head by saying, "I don't think so but it may not be a bad idea from time to time." She then returned to reading up on the rosary in realizing that these beads could be much more useful and important in case an arch enemy would ever come against Equestria in the near future. Twilight's thoughts shifted to hunger. ‘However, I sure am hungry but I am too taken up in this book to move. I was wondering where Spike was. Maybe I should call him to whip up something really quick and easy so I can finish reading.
Before she could call Spike thought, Twilight heard a knock on her front door with loud singing behind it. “Drats, “ Twilight moaned. “I forgot Pinkie was going to come over this evening for dinner.” She put her two books down, moaning, and quickly moved to answer the door where Pinkie was hopping around happily singing. However, it was no ordinary singing. Pinkie was using a deep singing voice that was almost breath taking.
Pinkie was donning her party apparel and carried a gift. “Happy Birthday Twilight,” she sang.
“Pinkie, what in all the name of Equestria are you doing and what are you singing?” The confused the violet pony asked.
'“Oh nothing, I was doing a singing telegram in the form of opera style,” Pinkie answered in her regular speaking voice.
Twilight giggled and smiled at her. "It was my birthday and like you, I forgot."
"Twilight, I have a special surprise for your birthday in the back of the library so please come with me," Pinkie giggled hopping around as wild as a kangaroo while dragging the birthday filly off.
Twilight looked rather confused as she was being dragged by the most flamboyant pony in the whole town to the back of the tree house. In her her years, no one in Canterlot had ever dragged this book worm anywhere and not even Princess Cadence. "What are we doing back here,"Twilight asked as she somewhat laughed.
"I just wanted to watch the beautiful sunset together. This is the prettiest spot to watch the sunset in all of Equestria," Pinkamina bounced.
Twilight tried to smile and she looked over at the sun and thought of her mentor and friend, Princess Celestia. "This is the best surprise that you could ever get me," she responded with her stomach now growling and noticing that the sun had a summer's reddish glow in the West. That meant it would be another beautiful day to look forward to.
“Absolutely, it’s just as sweet as a cupcake’s frosting on and in any land full of candy,” Pinkie said randomly. “However, we just watched the sunset. It is now time to get back."
"Pinkie, we just got back here and it has been for a few seconds."
"I know but do you like my other surprises?"
“Uh..I guess,” Twilight responded half dazed as she was once again being dragged back away.
"I want to bring you back inside now." The magenta maned pony added abruptly while not letting Twilight watch the sunset on her very special day.
“Pinkie…you didn’t throw.....” Twilight began grumbling. “I had thought that we had decided to have dinner together tonight so that we would catch up since we have been so busy lately. Did you go and throw me the biggest party in Equestria when Spike and I first arrived?"
“Oh, I thought you would never ask,” Pinkie smiled mischievously while batting her eyes. “Because…” She opened the door and the two of them walked in.
“SURPISE,” shouted four happy ponies and one very hyper young dragon who Twilight had wanted to look for while reading.
“PINKIE!” Twilight roared nearly getting angry with Pinkie and was about to say more but fell over laughing at her own response in realizing that being upset with a true friend acknowledging her special day would pointless. After all, it was her birthday and her friends loved her from day one.
“Happy Birthday Twilight,” they all said.
“Pinkie, you didn’t have to do this even though it was my birthday you know,” Twilight smiled while giggling with embarrassment. "Did you four sneak in here while I was dealing with Pinkie's random personality?"
”Darling, you are simply such a tease," Rarity replied. "Of course we snuck in while you were out there with Pinkie distracting you."
“Well shucks Twilight,” Apple Jack added as she was carrying refreshments for the party and motioning Fluttershy to help her set them up. “It meant to world to us that our closest friend was having a birthday and we wanted it to be special. We had been planning on this hoe down for months. It was mainly Pinkie's idea."
“Yeah, that that made me absolutely banana taffy which is one of my favorite types of candy,” Pinkie piped in rolling her eyes. "I wonder what if I would eat myself if I were made out of taffy," Pinkie said changing the subject.
The other five ponies turned to look at her and said in sync, “Where did that come from?”
“Um, I don’t know,” Pinkie replied cluelessly. “Just doing what I do best,” Pinkie said hopping around happily laughing while playing with a purple balloon that Rainbow Dash brought for Twilight.
All six girls then gathered around to share refreshments while mixing and mingling at the same time. It had been a while since any of them had been together after each had become busy with their own lives.
Rarity’s business began to pick up which left her to be chosen for some of Canterlot’s top magazines as a fashion model.
Meanwhile, Pinkie had become pre-occupied with two jobs. One was at the Sugar Cube Corner working behind the front counter and the other was at the home of the Cake’s as a full time nanny for the baby cakes. Still, Pinkie was happy as she became fond of the baby cakes as she watched them grow day by day and month by month.
Apple Jack found herself working extra hard by getting ready for apple season by selling a majority of the current supply of apples that were in stock which allowed her to make extra money for herself.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had been just as busy.
In Rainbow Dash's situation, she had been attending weather seminars for the upcoming summer season in which she would be the one scheduling a vast array of summer time thunder storms.
Finally, Fluttershy had several bunnies give birth to new babies and like Pinkie, she became pre-occupied with taking care of all those litters.
“I am so glad that we could get together again,” Spike said as he licked an ice cream cone. He then shot a glance over to Rarity with love in his eyes and started glowing at her radiance. “I sure can’t wait to see those fashion magazines that you are featured in,” he added in a day dream like state as he spoke to her.
“Of course you can Spike. You are such a good friend and a good fan of all my work," Rarity giggled as if she liked Spike back. “You will be the first to see them I promise. "That is if you can clean my house and shop for me. I need and assistant."
"Anything for you Rarity," Spike gloated.
"Spike," Twilight said in annoyed voice. "You have a full service job here."
Spike grumbled and nodded in realizing that Twilight was the closest thing to family and had been so kind to take him in.
Everypony was then interrupted by Rainbow Dash's fascination with two books laying on Twilight's table. “Wow,” Rainbow said as she began reading both books. "What are these?” She then, like Twilight opened the books and began to bury herself into them.
“Let me see,” Apple Jack responded by pushing away her friends including Rainbow Dash to get to the two books. AJ also began to read further down in the book about Fuedal Japan and found something very interesting. “Look at this everypony. Apparently, this legend talks of a boy who was a half human and half dog demon hybrid and went by the name of Inuyasha. Myth has it that he protected his friends and among them was a girl from future-time Japan by the name of Kagome who was a reincarnation of Inuyasha's long lost lover Kikyo.”
“Look at this,” Pinkie added as she nervously hopped around even more while reading the book. “You can even open portals that take you to Japan,” she said as she started twitching.
“Ah wanna to try na..ow,” Apple Jack blurted out as she continued to pour over the book while growing more and more fascinated by reading each page.
“Uh…I am not sure that it’s such a good idea,” Fluttershy whimpered cautiously. "I think you need to stop reading and get back to thinking about Twilight and her special day."
“'Nyaww Fluttershaw,” Apple insisted. “It’s just a bunch of hocus pocus you willy nilly. Japan isn’t anything more than a myth So it is not lawk we all are in any real danger now are?
Pinkie's shaking and trembling became more and more intense the more she heard her friends talk of those portals. “No Apple Jack my senses are telling me that this is a really BAD IDEA. Especially when I shake like this and you know that I would rather have milk shake."
It was then that Twilight got an idea just in case something did happen as she knew that AJ was too stubborn. “Spike, could you please assist me in finding the elements of harmony?” She begged him as she dragged him away from him by using her horn.
“But Twilight, I am keeping Rarity company,” the little dragon whined. "We were talking about her magazines. Besides, we haven't seen her in a while."
“Maybe some other time but I have a really bad feeling about this,” Twilight moaned biting her lips. "Look at Pinkie. When she goes off, you know something is bound to happen. However, I thought it only applied to random foreign objects falling out of the sky."
“Uh..okay,” the small lover groaned giving in. “Rarity, I will be right back. Save some cake for me.” He then got up to help with his eyes completely fixed on Rarity.
"Anything for you Spikey Wikey," Rarity replied generously. After all, that was her special element and even further, did she has a crush on Spike? No, that was highly impossible. He was just a baby and she was fully grown.
Twilight then found the elements before Spike could go on a full search. "Never mind Spike, you can go back to sit down next to Rarity.
"Why you need to drag these all out?" Spike asked. "Good grief, something will probably fall like a piece of cake."
Twilight bit her lip hard and brushed her bangs out of her eyes as her horn lit up by pulling the book from its shelf. She then trotted back over to her friends who, just like Spike looked at her astonished.
“Twilight?” Pinkie asked with her eyes going wide. "Are you really going to take this just as serious as I am?"
“Yes, just in case something were to happen,” the birthday girl replied with caution by nodding in addition.
All the ponies grumbled but knew that Twilight had a very good reason to be worrisome since Pinkie continued to tingle and fidget nervously and Twilight knew good and well that Pinkie's twitching was nothing to mess with. They then donned their necklaces and one tiara as Apple Jack started reciting some words in what sounded like Japanese.
"Why are you doing?" Fluttershy asked cautiously.
Apple Jack laughed as she continued to jokingly speak in the alien-like language.
The room was silent as Pinkie’s tingling and fidgeting stopped. “Wow, I did that for…”
The floor began to glow a bright purple color as a hole appeared before all their eyes. Apple Jack! What have you done?” Twilight cried frantically.
“What? Those words sounded awesome to me than the words that we use here in Equestria,” Rainbow cut in.
"I'm talking to her," Twilight scolded Rainbow Dash.
AJ felt sheepish and embarrassed at her own stubbornness.
“Hold onto me,” Twilight demanded to all her friends. “That way we stay out of the hole.”
Rainbow Dash attempted to fly over to Twilight so that she could better support her friends, while Fluttershy joined her. In the attempt to do so, the hole had such a powerful suction that both pegasus were pulled into the glowing hole along with several books and many other the party decorations along with the cake that Pinkie worked so hard on at Sugar Cube Coner.
"My Cake, my beautiful beautiful cake," Pinkie whined.
"This is not a good time darling," Rarity replied worriedly.
"Sssss....orrry."
“Rainbow, Fluttershy!” Twilight shouted frightened. “Come on you guys, we can’t leave them,”she said as she readied herself to jump alongside with her friends.
“I told you this was a bad idea,” Pinkie whined. "I worked so hard on this party and it gets ruined by my senses going off. ” she said as she too was sucked into the hole along with her two close friends.
“Pinkie Pie!” Apple Jack shouted as she jumped in after Pinkie while full of deep regret. 'What am ah geetin ma silf inta?' She thought.
“Oh no, I am not going in there for the sake of getting my mane ruined,” Rarity replied in a petty voice. "I just got it done too."
“We have to go into save the others,” her secret admirer insisted.
“Anything for your Spike of course,” she sighed and allowed him to get on her back while he firmly grasped onto her neck as
they leaped into the glowing abyss together.
Twilight then realized that all her friends were gone which lead her to finally follow them into the bright yet frightening hole. She swallowed hard and took a leap of faith. As she fell, Twilight noticed that the light was beginning to fade more and more until she reached the bottom of what appeared to be an empty dried up well with nothing but a few bones and the remains of her party. She then looked around and saw that her friends were nowhere inside the well but could hear their voices from above. They all sounded like they were in shock.
“Pinkie, Rainbow, Fluttershy?” She called out. “Is that you?” She asked worriedly.
“Twilight?” She heard Apple Jack answer in complete shock.
“Yes,” Twilight called back with relief. “Is everyone alright?”
“We are Twilight but I think you need to come up here and see what’s going on,” Rainbow added nervously. "You might also wish to look at yourself."
“What do you mean?” the confused purple unicorn asked as she attempted to use her horn to get out of the well by transferring herself from one point to another but it was no use. It was not working and her come to think of it, it was as if her horn was..gone. 'That's weird, because I can always feel my horn and especially when it starts glowing since it comes with a warm tingle to it. She got up on her hind legs and then attempted to climb out of the well and to her surprise, she no longer had hooves but light fleshly colored human hands which were similar to the ones in those dusty old books about Japan. "What?" She asked cluelessly while looking down at them. "This is impossible." She then looked at her friends who were also now human and clinging to the side of the old dry wooden well. "Are we dreaming?" All of them said in unison. "No this is real Twilight," Apple Jack responded frazzled and terrified. "Is this the best time to scream girls?" Pinkie asked. "Uh...I think so," Rainbow said swallowing nervously.
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364534 This fanfic happens to be a cross over story with two of my favorite shows. The other one is a series based on a Manga called "Inuyasha" which happens to be another fave of mine. Inuyasha is about an immortal boy who is a half human and half dog demon who is bound to a tree with for 50 years while lying asleep. I don't have time to explain the whole story but Inu is just as fast and arrogant as Rainbow Dash is.
As for the theme of my story, it's about friends stepping out of their own comfort zones to meet new ones who they have things in common with.
364683 I'm sorry, that just confused me even more.
364754 Could you be more specific about what confuses you?
364754 Also, this is a cross-over story with My Little Pony and Inuyasha
Oh my...
367541 I am glad that you like it since I am a fan of Inu
367541 You can do anything with fanfics and that's what I love
Hmm. Ok you asked for critiquing and I'm only going to be fair. The concept and plot are both pretty good, I like that, I just think you need to work on execution. For one, there are many grammatical errors here, you have some double words, the wrong words used in particular spots, several comma errors. I also think you should practice dialogue a bit. I'm not saying your speech is bad, it just doesn't seem that natural, the way you made the characters spoke seemed a bit forced and not very true to character. An example, having Rainbow actually say "20% cooler", that is something she said one time in the actual show and is only popular to her character because of the internet, I doubt she would actually ever use that to define something. Also, it's a bit out of character for her to just randomly look at ANY book and say "this is AWESOME". As for the other characters, their personalities were fairly right on, it's just that the speech seemed forced (as I said earlier) like you were trying too hard to make their personality show, and it's just awkward how they say some things. Again, I am only being fair and critiquing, as you asked. I don't think this is bad, you just need practice, you definitely have talent for constructing plot from concept, but now you just need to work on building that into a more detailed and naturally flowing piece. I can see some really great stories from you in the future.
I was kind of in "Wat" mode until they got to Japan.
FiMFiction now has an author's notes section for each chapter (seperate text box below the story when you edit that chapter). I would move most of this there. The line about critique COULD stay where it is, go to the author's note, or the long description.
Do you read each chapter out loud before submitting it? I recommend it if you don't.
Do you use a pre-reader? Ditto.
When you change subjects or speakers, you make a new paragraph. Learn this. Love this.
If you need an editor, I can help. Just ask.