Twilight Sparkle, a major fan of reading, stumbles upon two very interesting books after another one of her magical "Re-shelving" days. Little does she know that the two interesting books capture the attention of her friends who normally despise reading. Yet, 'Curiosity Kills the Cat,' when AJ goes a little too far by joking around. Thus, this lands the girls in a strange and mythological land known "Feudal Japan," with odd creatures known as the human and the demon.
What happens when the mane six meet Inuyasha and his friends?
Chapters (4)
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364534 This fanfic happens to be a cross over story with two of my favorite shows. The other one is a series based on a Manga called "Inuyasha" which happens to be another fave of mine. Inuyasha is about an immortal boy who is a half human and half dog demon who is bound to a tree with for 50 years while lying asleep. I don't have time to explain the whole story but Inu is just as fast and arrogant as Rainbow Dash is.
As for the theme of my story, it's about friends stepping out of their own comfort zones to meet new ones who they have things in common with.
364683 I'm sorry, that just confused me even more.
364754 Could you be more specific about what confuses you?
364754 Also, this is a cross-over story with My Little Pony and Inuyasha
Oh my...
367541 I am glad that you like it since I am a fan of Inu
367541 You can do anything with fanfics and that's what I love
Hmm. Ok you asked for critiquing and I'm only going to be fair. The concept and plot are both pretty good, I like that, I just think you need to work on execution. For one, there are many grammatical errors here, you have some double words, the wrong words used in particular spots, several comma errors. I also think you should practice dialogue a bit. I'm not saying your speech is bad, it just doesn't seem that natural, the way you made the characters spoke seemed a bit forced and not very true to character. An example, having Rainbow actually say "20% cooler", that is something she said one time in the actual show and is only popular to her character because of the internet, I doubt she would actually ever use that to define something. Also, it's a bit out of character for her to just randomly look at ANY book and say "this is AWESOME". As for the other characters, their personalities were fairly right on, it's just that the speech seemed forced (as I said earlier) like you were trying too hard to make their personality show, and it's just awkward how they say some things. Again, I am only being fair and critiquing, as you asked. I don't think this is bad, you just need practice, you definitely have talent for constructing plot from concept, but now you just need to work on building that into a more detailed and naturally flowing piece. I can see some really great stories from you in the future.
What are some great ways to work on the dialogue? You are welcome to PM me to talk about the dialogue.
I love it when Dash says, 20% cooler
so that is why I said it like that.
what is... i dont even....
You need a proof-reader.
948983 I do have a proof reader. He gave me some good advice. I just have not been up to revising
929822 This is a cross over fic
I was kind of in "Wat" mode until they got to Japan.
Great chapter
1484200
I worked really hard on it too
1485805 Ok thanks
I am working on a story aswell
I cannot wait to read it. As for me, I am a huge fan of Inuyasha and felt that the two stories would mesh well together
1488690 You might think about sharing this story with some of your friends who are fans of both shows.
1505114 ok but it's taking me along time just to finish chapter two.
1519193 thanks I will get my story uploaded as soon as possible.
To be honest, this isn't working for me.
I'll admit I don't like Inuyasha. Concept was good, I like the work Takahashi san does but it was just too repetitive that even though it had nothing to do with Ranma 1/2 the story just felt the same. Same character designs, same voices, same bullshit. That of course is not your fault, it's something I hold against the anime.
The problems I have with this story are the varied and go from the way you write to the actual story itself. Let's get started shall we?
1) Spelling and grammar. There are some instances where the wrong words are used, extra spaces are added or no spaces are added where need be. You have a couple sentence fragments where something is missing but overall it's good. You just need to pay a little more attention to what you're writing.
2) A bit of a pet peeve of mine is in the translation of Japanese to English. "Shikonnotama" or "shikon no tama" is okay. "Shikon-no-tama" isn't or at least it's not a convention that I'm aware of. If you have a source that does the hyphen bit I'd be interested to see it.
3) Ponies acting out of character. This is a big one. It's not just enough to get the ponies acting like themselves, but you need to get them talking like themselves. For example, you often times don't use contractions when the pony in question would. Or they say things that they simply wouldn't say in the first place. Since when does Applejack like to read books?
4) This goes back the acting out of character. Sometimes you seem to want to emulate the way the pony in question speaks, but sometimes you don't. This makes for a bit of mood whiplash. Either have them all speak like they do, with an emphasis on Applejack or just have them speak normally and the reader will will in the details later. As an example,
Nyaww? Maybe you were looking for "Nawww" as in no.
Fluttershaw? She's never called Fluttershy that, even taking her accent into account.
willy nilly? That's more a Pinkie Pie saying.
isn’t anything? She'd say "ain't nothin' ".
lawk? This doesn't even fit with the rest of it.
5) So the book is written in Japanese or the Japanese words are spelled out phonetically? If so, nothing would happen as Applejack's accent would make them almost unintelligible to any Japanese speaker or if the spell needed to be spoken exactly. Without going into great detail, Japanese is a precise language and it's something you learn early that a certain sound is always spoken the same way.
They they arrive in Japan and Inuyasha stuff starts to happen. I don't know. Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just not the right person for this fic but it's simply not working for me. I would say you need some work on this.
1530569 I thanks for your tips. That is why I am fanficing to learn to be a better writer. I thought I did hear AJ say "Willy Nilly," a few times in a few eps.
Like they say, a writer is always blind to their own work even when they try their best and I also did take ask for your critique for those reasons. I had heard that dialogue was one of the hardest things to write.
Could you point out some grammatical errors?
Based on the description, you could really use a pre-reader.
EDIT: But apparently you already knew that. I will just say that the short and long descriptions can be the most important parts to make sure are as polished as possible. A good story can overcome a bit of technical problems, but without a good description, people aren't even going to read enough to give your story a chance.
FiMFiction now has an author's notes section for each chapter (seperate text box below the story when you edit that chapter). I would move most of this there. The line about critique COULD stay where it is, go to the author's note, or the long description.
Do you read each chapter out loud before submitting it? I recommend it if you don't.
Do you use a pre-reader? Ditto.
2173529 , I don't come here that often since I have been taking a break from writing for a while to enjoy the work of others including your story.
Anyway, thanks for a tips. I have never ever thought about reading my stories out loud before either. Finally, where exactly is the Author's notes sections?
2323368
Author's notes:
Go to a chapter.
Hit edit to the upper left of the text of the chapter.
Scroll down PAST where you enter the story, but not quite to the comments.
There will be a text-box.
That text box is the author's notes.
2325180 Got it thanks
3027889
For starters, there are no shipping moments in here among those two.
That scene where Pinkie drags Twilight to the back is actually intended for something else. 
Pinkie is actually intended to trick Twilight as she has a surprise for her but it's a birthday present.
3029573
Nice to know out of all that, that is what you decide to comment on.
3030116 I also need to find the best way to get the dialogue exactly right with all the girls. As for Inuyasha and the rest of the cast, I had been doing some Inu fics for a while as well. However, when I first wrote about Kagome, she was not easy to write about.
3030755
Yeah whatever.
3030116 Well I wrote that because I wanted to see if you could some up with some ideas as to make it clear that I am not writing an romance.
3031200
Not having the tag for one. Which you don't.
I don't see it as romance, and I find it insulting THIS is what you comment on. Two simple lines about how these sound like you're doing a ship.
3031262 You know something? I really don't get what I said that was so insulting. Second if you are going to get this critical, please take things to PM.
3033335
Nah it's ok. c ya.
When you change subjects or speakers, you make a new paragraph. Learn this. Love this.
952045 you need to get a better proof reader. There are spelling, consistency, and grammatical errors everywhere. The flow of the dialogue is interrupted by these things, plus you make overly long paragraphs in in effort to make it seem better when it actually cripples the story. Otherwise it was pretty good.
5880590 I am so glad that you liked it
If you need an editor, I can help. Just ask.
6270377 Thank you
Dear author.
Please continue the story. I love reeding it and I think its so sad that it hasnt been updated in years.
367553
Why do you stop it's getting good