I can't wait to see where the relationship of Scoot and sweetie gose, how Rainbow gets involved, how Apple Bloom redeems herself, and what Sunset/Twilight do.
I'm not good with suspense. I NEED CLOSURE! PLEASE, WRITER PERSON! REVEAL MORE TO THE STORY! *Grabs popcorn, eagerly anticipating the next chapter* Also, my reactions: (Not in order)
Today was certainly an eventful and emotional day; every second of it she could recall with perfect clarity. Now, she wanted nothing more than to forget it all, but that wasn't going to be possible. Every time Scootaloo closed her eyes, she could almost feel the pistol in her mouth; and the taste of its mouth seemed to linger on her tongue. Surely, she will have some nightmares to face tonight, and tor the rest of her life.
"for" not "tor"
"Sweetie Belle, I really wished you would've told us sooner that Scootaloo was staying a few days," Sweetie Belle's gently scolded. She, Sweetie Belle, Rarity, and the sisters' father were all in the kitchen. Sweetie's mother was finishing up washing the dishes, and the father was peeling and slicing potatoes with small parry knife before dropping the pieces into a pot of water on the stove. Rarity was lounging at the table with her phone in her hands and a bite of an apple in her mouth. Sweetie Belle was leaned against the refrigerator.
missing a name between "sweetie belle's" and "gently scolded"
Sweetie Belle took a seat on Rarity's bed. I squeaked as the springs compressed under her, er, weight. Rarity turned around from the door and looked her sister in the eye. "Sweetie Belle, what's going on?"
that "I" is supposed to be an"It" and the "er" doesn't really need to be there
Scootaloo replied, with a deadpan face, "Fuck-me-teen." She then smirked. Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, but the simultaneous smile on her face told another story.
"Fuck-me-teen" possibly should be "Fuck-me-ten"
would you perhaps want/need a proofreader cause im willing and able and would love to help!!
This story has potential, but it needs work. I am glad to see that this story has a more 'story' feel than the last one. Not to trample on the pain or experiences of those who have had to go through such traumatic events! - it just felt the previous story was a 'how I wish it had gone' or a 'what I would have done if I was there' piece.
But I am in no position to judge the prequel. Sometimes things just have to be said.
As I said though, this story has potential. Aside from the grammar and spelling issues, of which there are quite a few in some sections, this chapter has brought up many story elements that need a hard look. Particularly the romance element.
I believe that Scootaloo should examine her thoughts about Sweetie. Is the attraction she feels due to her honest feelings for Sweetie or are they a result of her position and need for a safe, familiar, and accepting presence? It's a hard road to take but Scoots needs to ask herself if her feelings for Sweetie are romantic or if they stem from a desire to latch onto a familiar presence in her chaotic situation. There is also the question of Sweetie - can she return the feelings or does she feel their relationship is purely platonic?
The other thing I think needs work is Sweetie's family. As of now the only characters with any depth are Scoots and Sweetie. The parents especially feel a little flat (cut&paste "good 'ol mom and pop") but that could change in future chapters.
All in all, I like were you could go with this - and I think it's a story that needs to be told. After the story is done, though, and you've gained some experience I feel that you should come back and do a re-write (Perhaps you could even include the prequel?). This story deserves to be the best that it can be, and I would I would be willing to help if you would allow it.
3997819 4010622 Chapter Two may be a while. I have to do a bit of legal research for it and then write it by hand and THEN type it. Then comes proofing and posting.
OMG! I was like, praying that you would make some sort of a sequel!! It happened!!!! YAY!!! PLEASE OH PLEASE WRITE MORE!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!
5547443 You probably already realized this by now but just in case, the 1st story has been deleted and replaced by the prequel chapter of this story. Its exactly the same its just change location.
Go on
Blarg, the feels!!!
I can't wait to see where the relationship of Scoot and sweetie gose, how Rainbow gets involved, how Apple Bloom redeems herself, and what Sunset/Twilight do.
I'm not good with suspense. I NEED CLOSURE! PLEASE, WRITER PERSON! REVEAL MORE TO THE STORY! *Grabs popcorn, eagerly anticipating the next chapter*
Also, my reactions: (Not in order)
my body is ready for feels powered by a feelocalypses!
The reveal conversation was way too rushed. It was unnatural.
Liking it so far. Keep up the good work! :) (Also, DEM FEELZ.)
"for" not "tor"
missing a name between "sweetie belle's" and "gently scolded"
that "I" is supposed to be an"It" and the "er" doesn't really need to be there
"Fuck-me-teen" possibly should be "Fuck-me-ten"
would you perhaps want/need a proofreader cause im willing and able and would love to help!!
Interest has been peaked
Definitely curious to see what comes next So far so good!
Omg I loved this. There was a few spelling errors unless your English is better then mine >.<
Can't wait for chapter 2! And always remember... "Pineapples..."
This story has potential, but it needs work. I am glad to see that this story has a more 'story' feel than the last one. Not to trample on the pain or experiences of those who have had to go through such traumatic events! - it just felt the previous story was a 'how I wish it had gone' or a 'what I would have done if I was there' piece.
But I am in no position to judge the prequel. Sometimes things just have to be said.
As I said though, this story has potential. Aside from the grammar and spelling issues, of which there are quite a few in some sections, this chapter has brought up many story elements that need a hard look. Particularly the romance element.
I believe that Scootaloo should examine her thoughts about Sweetie. Is the attraction she feels due to her honest feelings for Sweetie or are they a result of her position and need for a safe, familiar, and accepting presence? It's a hard road to take but Scoots needs to ask herself if her feelings for Sweetie are romantic or if they stem from a desire to latch onto a familiar presence in her chaotic situation. There is also the question of Sweetie - can she return the feelings or does she feel their relationship is purely platonic?
The other thing I think needs work is Sweetie's family. As of now the only characters with any depth are Scoots and Sweetie. The parents especially feel a little flat (cut&paste "good 'ol mom and pop") but that could change in future chapters.
All in all, I like were you could go with this - and I think it's a story that needs to be told. After the story is done, though, and you've gained some experience I feel that you should come back and do a re-write (Perhaps you could even include the prequel?). This story deserves to be the best that it can be, and I would I would be willing to help if you would allow it.
Following your progress
- A simple Extra
P.S. I am confused by the... -Gore- tag?
4027429
The 'gore' tag is for a future chapter.
3998492
I could use a few proofreaders, but only if they don't mind an irregular schedule.
3997819
4010622
Chapter Two may be a while. I have to do a bit of legal research for it and then write it by hand and THEN type it. Then comes proofing and posting.
4034220 i dont mind ... just pm me the chapter and ill look at it
I'll happily proof your next chapters if you PM them to me as well.
4061515
Great!
OMG! I was like, praying that you would make some sort of a sequel!! It happened!!!! YAY!!! PLEASE OH PLEASE WRITE MORE!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!
4033922 ummm i wanted to read the first story but when I clicked it said it didn't exist so can you fill me in on the gist of it?
5547443 You probably already realized this by now but just in case, the 1st story has been deleted and replaced by the prequel chapter of this story.
Its exactly the same its just change location.