Magic of Loyalty

by DawnSkies

Chapter One | Faster

"Argh! Why can't those guys just agree with me!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she thumped hard onto the dusty rock covered ground. "OWW. . . I mean wow. I need to pay attention; think Rainbow, what am I doing wrong?" Rainbow Dash sighed climbing to her feet. "They said I need to slow down," PFFT. "What do they know." Dash looked back into the valley, filled with dangerous twists and turns. The exact reason she choose to fly through it.

Think think think "Aha! I need speed to make those turns, It's a good thing that I'm totally awesome and smart." Rainbow cringed at the sound of what she said. "Okay that last part sounded better in my head." Rainbow shook the dust of her and took flight towards the stating point of her course that ran through the valley. "What did they say? 'I need to slow down.' As if, I need to be, faster."

Rainbow glided back to the start of the course, she was compelled to finish. Nothing beats Rainbow Dash. She reminded herself before setting down on top of a cliff that began the course. A seventy foot drop into nothing but twists and turns, the perfect challenge. Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth as she eyed the course she had failed to fly the past fifty times. I ain't being beaten by no stupid valley. Rainbow steadied herself as she limbered up her wings once more. And with a small lean backwards she darted straight down into the abyss. The wind rushed through her mane. The sound roared past her. Rainbow Dash pushed herself harder than before. She remembered what her friends said as they left, as if it was a recording that wanted nothing more to push her nerves.

"Look Rainbow," Applejack tutted. "You're bein' reckless now, we're affaid you're gonna hurt yourself. . . Or worse."

Rainbow Dash stared at the others hoping to find anypony to side with her, only to be met one by one with nods of agreement."I can't believe you guys, you want me to stop? I've been at this course for hours!" The Cyan mare felt defeated from the lack of support. She sat down with the look of defeat on her face. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't understand why they didn't want her to carry on.

Twilight walked up to Rainbow Dash, trying to give some comfort. "Dash we're not telling you to stop-"

"I am!" Rarity looked around as all the mares starred at her. "Well, have you see her coat?" She stuttered eyeing up all the dirt and grit on Rainbow Dash. "It's horrid, no offense darling."

Twilight rolled her eyes and looked back at a sad looking Rainbow Dash. "Look what we're trying to say Dash, is that you need to slow down." Twilight spoke with fear in her eyes. "I have to agree with Applejack, you're going to hurt yourself!"

"Stupid friends telling me to slow down. Me! Rainbow Dash!" She soared through a hole in the rocks. Banking heavily to her right as she came to the same section she keeps crashing on. Rainbow saw the first of the sharp turns that began the Slalom. Speed, Rainbow speed! Dash took the first turn as fast as she could, the rocks threatened to shake from there foundations as the a rainbow blur shot past the apex. She began to turn into the second bend angling her wings to make the turn. You need to slow down The memory came almost as a warning to Dash as she clenched her eyes shut. "SHUT UP!" Rainbow screamed at the voice. Her scream echoed through the valley as she opened her eyes. But by now it was too late, her mistake had cost her. She couldn't keep up with the turn. As the rock face on the far side grew closer she pushed herself to turn sharper. Pushed herself faster. Her body now leaned fully into the turn. It wasn't enough.

What was seconds, felt like years as the rock face smashed into her chest, grinding against her. It felt like somepony was forcing her down against a flame as her torso shredded against the rock face. Rainbow Dash had lost control, her left wing snapped as she bounced off the rocks and spiraled down to the valley floor head first. Rainbow Dash screamed what little air she had left in her lungs, it felt like a nightmare as the watched the ground approach. "I'm sorry" A tear formed in the corner of her eye. Maybe if I could ju- Dash felt the force of the impact, like ten of Pinkie's party cannons going off in her face all at once, she felt herself tumble and roll across the floor, until finally. She stopped. Dash opened her eyes and looked around her but everything was a blur, Rainbow was fighting to move her body but to no avail. She pushed once more to get up as a shearing pain shot through her body. She screamed out as she found her way to her hooves.

Rainbow stumbled forward as pure agony shot through her nerves. Blooded and broken Rainbow Dash fought forward; as she forced one leg in front of the other. Her vision began to darken, her eyes were getting heavy as her head pounded like it was ready to explode. As Rainbow slowly collapsed to her knees she imagined a comforting voice calling her name in the distance as she slammed into the ground. "I'm sorry." Rainbow whispered with tears in her eyes as darkness consumed her but not before her name echoed once more round her head. Rainbow let herself go, and within seconds she lost consciousness and all that was left was darkness.

"Twilight you coming?" Applejack turned around to face Twilight Sparkle.
"Sorry AJ, somepony has to be around to tell Rainbow when enough is enough," Twilight replied with a hint of worry. "She could really hurt herself."
Applejack looked at the rest of the party leaving as Pinkie, Rarity and Fluttershy slowly drifted out of sight. "Look sugercube, I'd love to stay but I really have to get apple buckin'. Those apples don't fall themselves after all. And I did promise Big McIntosh i'd have all those apples bucked by sun down" Applejack walked up beside Twilight who was still watching Rainbow Dash. "Just promise you two won't be out here all day, I'm sure Rainbow can handle herself, I'd just hate to see you all worked up."
Twilight looked back at Applejack. "Don't worry AJ," Twilight sighed. "I'll be fine." Applejack turned to catch up with the rest of their friends.
"See you later!" Applejack called as she galloped back to Ponyville.

Twilight sighed looking back into the valley just in time to see Rainbow Dash crash into the ground once more and hearing something a long the line of cursing. She gazed worryingly at Dash. Does she even know I'm still here? Maybe I should cheer her o- No, she'll be fine, it's not like she wanted to hear from us after we tried pleading with her. Twilight hoped Rainbow Dash didn't end up breaking a wing again, or worse. It hurt Twilight seeing the Pegasus grounded and so defeated like that. It didn't seem that long ago, that an amazing cyan mare crashed into her, although not the first impression she'd usually be fond of, there was something about that pony that made Twilight feel happy to be around her. She was happy to have Rainbow Dash as a friend, friend. . . Twilight ran this word through her head over and over, like it wasn't enough. Twilight wished she knew what she was talking about, she'd never felt this way before.

Twilight looked off into the hills at the falling sun. How long have I been here, the sun is almost setting. She sighed looking back at the Rainbow blur shooting through the valley. "If only Rainbow felt the same way, then at least. . . What is she doing?" Twilight watched in shock. "She ignored us! Not even, she's going faster?" Twilight stood up and ran towards the cliff edge trying to get a better view. No no no. "Rainbow! Slow down!" Twilight yelled. There's no way she can hear me.

Unable to look away, fear began to grow inside her as Rainbow Dash began the Slalom. "Please slow down." Twilight begged as if anyone could hear her, she prayed that Dash would slow down, come to her senses. But it was too late, she could only watch as the cyan mare collided with the rock face with a shattering force, and with a snapping sound she careered off into the valley floor screaming. "Rainbow. . ." Twilight could barley force herself to speak as she began her teleportation spell. And with a bright purple flash she was gone, with no evidence but a few tears collecting on the ground.

Twilight appeared in a flash on the valley floor just ahead of where Rainbow Dash had crashed. "Rainbow!" She cried running with all her might to the crash site. Rounding the corner she caught site of the mangled Pegasus, dragging herself forward, her fur was no longer it's deep beautiful cyan she remembered but a mix of black and red, her wing snapped at two places and a large crack running down her skull. Twilight watched as Rainbow collapsed to the ground, just as she got closer Twilight heard her say something, not until she stood crying above the injured Pegasus did she Rainbow Dash's words.

"I'm sorry." As Dash fell from her knees onto the cold hard floor, stained with her own blood.
Twilight grabbed the mare and held her. "Rainbow Dash?" She began to cry as the limp Pegasus was mute. Suddenly her emotions surged, together mixed with her spell as her horn began to glow, shaking the ground which she stood above, finally as the energy conjured into the spell with another flash they were gone. The valley returned to calmness, as the winds rushed past the rocks mimicking a laugh as it mockingly echoed around the valley while the sun faded behind the horizon.

Author's Note:

Alright so a few mistakes have been pointed out and while I did my best to check over it, I'm going to be editing this ASAP after the release of chapter two, so I can focus on the story unfolding then go one step back and fix this. I'll see how it goes.
Planning on making a new chapter for this story every week.

Not much else I'd go as for to say for notes, took me a while to get the nerves to publish the story but I needed to so I could get feedback, don't care if you dislike but it'd be great if you left a reason.

EDIT: Okay done some edits, after chapter four I'll see about doing some improvements to this chapter, I will also look into the others as well

Comments

[Lord-Commander]

There are some things I would adjust like the paragraph structure you have going on. Each paragraph needs to hold its own idea, meaning you have a separate paragraph for each point of dialogue. So something like;

Twilight said "<insert>"

"<insert>" replied Dash.

Just things like that, and also I would consider alternate word use here and there just to help with the story flow.

BUT you get an up-vote from me because I like these sort of stories. You've got a good idea and I can't wait to see where you take it next.

[DawnSkies]

4007829 Thanks for you feed back, to be honest it's hard to see what to change when you create something. And I plan to carefully make this story follow a set path. I don't want to kill this story or make it bad.

[Lord-Commander]

4007844

Creators are blinded by what they make, often seeing it as perfect unless they intentionally look over their work in the mindset of "what can I do better?"

Having an outline as a guide is a good call. Some people can actually function without one as they go. It's what works the best for you.

You can get a editor/pre-reader to help you with formatting and grammatical issues, and still keep the core ideas and direction of your story intact. There are several groups on this site devoted to helping writers. I'd recommend The Proofreader Group, or Editors-R-Us for help to find an editor or a proofreader (I honestly don't see the difference between a editor and a proofreader). There is also the School for New Writers that can help out with further developing your writing abilities.

[Crab Spy]

I agree with what Blood Lord said.

You have a great idea... but space out your paragraphs/dialogue and skim through this chapter again for spelling errors and you should be good to go!

Keep writing, keep improving.

[DawnSkies]

Finally finished the cover art ... IDK if I over did it

[EndlessHarmony]

C'mon twilight! You should have seen that coming and like stopped her with your magic!.......btw, good start

[Gentle Spy]

"Look Rainbow," Applejack tutted. "You're bein' reckless now, we're affaid you're gonna hurt yourself. . . Or worst."

Worst should be worse.

"I am!" Rarity looked around as all the mares starred at her. "Well, have you see her coat, it's getting filthy from all that," She shuddered as she spoke, "D-Dirt, and don't get me started on the mane!"

See should be seen.