Hoo Boy, You're Gonna Get It
“From the innocence of five, an evil army shall arise. When blossoms shower down like rain, my dark kingdom shall come again. There is one who can stop me if he will dare, with the heart of a child and a mother’s care.”
The words sent a shudder down Twilight’s back as she read Ernest’s book. She noticed Ernest was squirming in the chair he was occupying. Even Rimshot looked uneasy.
“I’m sorry, Ernest. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Ernest waved off the apology. “It’ll take more than a dusty old prophecy to scare Ernest P. Worrell. Besides, that problem is over and done with. It is finished, Kaput, dead and buried. You could stick a fork in it and serve it for dinner. You know what I mean?”
“Hoo.”
Ernest grabbed Rimshot and hugged him to his chest. “What was that?”
Twilight stifled a laugh. “That’s Owlicious, Spike’s assistant, here at the library.”
Ernest looked to where the alicorn was pointing and saw an owl perched on a telescope. Ernest set Rimshot down and strolled over to the owl. He offered his hand in greeting.
“Howdy, friend. My name is Ernest. Ernest P. Worrell.”
“Hoo,” came the reply.
“Hey, you’re right. I do have a cousin down in the Everglades named Hoo. Well, it’s not his real name, more like a nickname. My uncle, Dingas Worrell, always said, ‘Hoo, boy, you’re gonna get it’ whenever my cousin got into trouble. My cousin got into trouble a lot.”
Owlicious blinked.
“Where’re you from?” the human asked.
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, Missouri? Hoo, Idaho? No, no, don’t tell me, you’re from Hoo Sonora, aren’t ya? You have a deep, deep South look to ya. You know what I mean?”
Rimshot barked up at his master, unable to take anymore.
The Troll Fighter glanced at his dog. “What do you mean that’s all he can say? If you give me a second, I’ll get his address, and we can be pen pals.”
Shaking her head in amusement, Twilight chimed in. “Actually, Ernest, Rimshot is right. He doesn’t speak our language.”
“I thought he was holding his o’s a bit long,” Ernest muttered to himself.
He looked around the room. An exquisitely crafted telescope gleamed near the window.
“Wow, Rimshot, take a look at this. I bet you could see the man in the moon from here if ya knew where to look.”
“Oh, be my guest,” Twilight said cheerfully. She kept her back to Ernest, engrossed in the book. “The adjustment knob can stick sometimes. Just wiggle it gently.”
“Excuse me, Owldelicious. Do you have any recommendations on where to point this thing?”
Ernest looked through the eyepiece. “Hmm, all I see is this black blob everywhere.”
Rimshot yipped.
“Of course, I know the lens cover is still on. I was just practicing.”
Rimshot rolled his eyes.
After taking off the lens cap, Ernest panned the telescope around from point to point as enthusiastically as a child. “This is great. Hey, there’s the Apple Farm! I wonder if I can see my truck from here?” Ernest tried to turn the magnification knob, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Hey, Ernest?” Twilight called over her shoulder.
“Uh, yeah, your highness?”
“Where did Trantor come from? This book doesn’t really talk about his origins.”
The Troll Fighter answered as he put more torque on the knob. “Well, Granpappy Worrell talked some about that when I wore smaller clothes. He said the troll followed the first settlers of Briarville from a place called The Old World.”
SNAP!
Ernest’s mouth dropped in horror as the knob broke off in his hand. He whirled around, wondering if Twilight had heard. The alicorn’s ears perked up. She turned her head toward the human, a concerned look on her face. Before she could ask if something was wrong, Ernest continued in a hurried voice, “I can’t find that place on a map anywhere though. You wouldn’t know where The Old World is, would you, your highness?”
Twilight put her hoof to her chin in thought. “Maybe. That name sounds familiar.” Smiling gleefully, she said, “I have a detailed map of Equestria. Let me dig that out, and we’ll both take a look at it. I’ll be right back.”
As the Princess trotted up a spiral staircase, Ernest turned his attention back to the telescope. “Oh, no. You think she’s gonna notice this, Rimshot?”
“Hoo!”
Ernest looked up at Owlicious who was nodding vigourously.
“Hey, can you help us out?” Ernest turned and his arm connected with the telescope. To his utter horror, the big lens popped out and shattered on the floor.
The owl’s eyes grew three times their normal size. “HOO-OOO!”
“Shh!” Ernest tried to quiet the now hysterical owl. “I can fix it. Where’s a blow torch?” Ernest whispered loudly.
The owl shook his head and continued to shout, flying up the spiral staircase.
“Ernest? Is everything alright down there? I thought I heard something break,” Twilight called.
“Uh, no, no! Everything is mostly solid down here. Take your time!”
At that moment, the door to the library opened, and a baby dragon waddled inside with a beautifully wrapped present. “Hi, Ernest, where’s--what did you do!?” Spike asked pointing at the broken telescope.
“I don’t know what happened!” Ernest insisted. “I just turned the knob a teeny bit, and the next thing I knew, it fell apart.”
Spike ignored him. “Oh no, this is bad! If she finds out that you broke one of her telescopes, you won’t get ice cream for a month.”
Ernest covered his mouth in shock. “A fate worse than death itself. We can’t let that happen. We’ve got to hide it.”
Spike nodded, and without another word, the dragon and human began to move the telescope. Hearing hoof falls on wooden stairs, Rimshot barked a warning to the movers.
“She’s coming,” Ernest said panicking.
“Quick, hand me that blanket. Thank Celestia I haven’t done the laundry yet.”
No sooner had they covered the stargazing instrument, Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs levitating a huge map.
“Hi, Spike. I didn’t hear you come in. Something is bothering Owlicious.”
Landing back on his perch, the owl hooted nosily and pointed at the telescope with both his wings. Twilight followed the owl’s gaze.
“Why is my Cumulus 34 hundred wrapped in a blanket?”
Trying desperately to block her view, Ernest and Spike stood their ground nervously. The Troll Fighter answered first.
“So it won’t catch a cold.”
Spike stomped on the human’s foot, which elicited a stifled yelp of pain. “What he means is, he’s was done using your Cumulus . . . whatever, so I decided to cover it up. Hate to get dust on it.”
Twilight smiled at her assistant. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Spike, but you know that the telescope dust covers are in the closet. Take that blanket off and use one of those.”
Spike started to sweat as the Princess waited for her Spike to uncover the Cumulus. Ernest looked up and noticed that the owl was grinning maliciously at the baby dragon and his predicament. Coming to Spike’s aid, Ernest pointed at the map Twilight was holding. “Hey, is that the map you were looking for?”
Twilight turned her attention to the floating scroll. “Yes, it is. Let’s take a look at it. I’ve been dying to use this scroll for weeks.”
From above them, Ernest heard the owl slap a wing across his feathery forehead in frustration. As the alicorn cleared a large table of books and lab equipment, Spike quietly got a Twilight sanctioned dust cover from the closet. He was waiting for the right moment to replace the blanket without Twilight noticing. Using her magic, the Princess unrolled the large scroll.
“Holy Moley.” Ernest gaped at the enormous, extremely detailed map of Equestria . “I’d hate to find Waldo on this thing.”
A magnifying glass floated over to the human. “Come on. This will be fun!”
Turning toward Spike, Ernest gave him the thumbs up sign, and the baby dragon began to delicately take the blanket off the telescope.
After an hour of staring at the map, Ernest had trouble keeping his eyes open. He glanced over at Spike who was snoring by the telescope using the blanket as a pillow. Turning his attention back to the map, Ernest was about to fall asleep himself. Then he saw something that made him sit upright in his chair.
“Found it!” Ernest yelled.
Spike’s leapt up in fright at the sudden shout. He lost his balance and fell against the Cumulus telescope. A heart-wrenching crash filled the air as the telescope hit the ground.
In an instant Twilight teleported to Spike’s side. “Spike, are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“I’m okay, Twilight. I’m real sorry about the Cumulus though.”
“I don’t care about the telescope, Spike,” she chided. “It’s a replica. It only cost me a few bits at the Canterlot gift store.”
Ernest and Spike looked at each other in surprise. Then they both started laughing hysterically. Even Rimshot and Owlicious were hooting and barking with mirth.
“What’s so funny?” asked Twilight.
Recovering enough oxygen to speak, Spike pointed at Ernest. “He broke the telescope before I did."
The alicorn sniffed in disapproval. “I thought so.”
The Troll Fighter instantly sobered. “I didn’t mean to, Princess. It was an accident. I just turned that knob a little bit and . . .”
“Ernest,” Twilight started to say.
“And then these huge ninja turtles came out of nowhere . . .”
“Ernest.”
“I tried to fend them off with my hip-hop-kido training, but there were too many of them, and they--”
“ERNEST!” Twilight screamed.
The human cringed at the alicorn’s voice.
“Why didn’t you just tell me you broke it in the first place? I can repair it easily.”
Ashamed, Ernest looked down at his feet. “I’m sorry, your majesty, but when Spike told me I wouldn’t get any ice cream for a month, I kind of panicked.”
“What?” Twilight asked as she turned her glare on Spike.
“Whoops. Or maybe it was just for the day,” the baby dragon said sheepishly.
“You boys are so alike,” Twilight sighed. “Next time either of you break something, just tell me.”
The human and dragon nodded solemnly.
“Show me what you found, Ernest,” Twilight said.
Ernest pointed to a very tiny dot on the map that was well north of the Crystal Empire.
“Fascinating,” Twilight murmured. “If I remember my studies in Princess Celestia’s Equestrian Ancient History class, she said something about an ancient troll city north of the Crystal Empire. They had their own subterranean kingdom deep beneath the snow and ice. According to legend, King Sombra corrupted the once peaceful trolls and used them to help him conquer the Crystal Empire. But when he had no further use for them, he banished them all to Tartarus.”
“So, that’s where old Squid Lips came from,” Ernest proclaimed.
“I don’t know about that, Ernest. The troll that is pictured in your book is way different from the trolls I remember studying. And if Trantor did come from our world, how did he end up in yours?”
Ernest’s eyes glazed over as his brain worked overtime to come up with possible answers. “I don’t know. Magic maybe?”
“Possibly,” she replied.
“Really? I wish I had you as a teacher during middle school. I used that answer a lot and none of my teachers liked it very much.”
The alicorn smiled from ear to ear. “Oh, this is so exciting! Just think of all the possible research we can do on this topic.”
Rubbing his eyes in weariness, Ernest said, “Well, you go ahead and get to studying, your highness. I think I’m gonna take a walk around the town and stretch my mode of locomotion. You know what I mean?”
Head buzzing with anticipation, Twilight nodded. “That’s fine. Just be sure to stay out of trouble.”
“Oh, yeah. I’ll be back before you even know I’m gone. Come on, Rimshot, let’s go for a walk.”
Wagging his tail gleefully, the beagle followed his master out the door.
“Hey, Ernest, wait!” Spike called.
Sticking his head back through the door, Ernest looked quizzically at the baby dragon.
In between the dragon’s claws was the present. “I owe you a hat,” he explained.
Ernest could not keep the utter surprise off his face as he looked at the beautifully wrapped white and purple present. Ernest was so excited he tore into the package as if it was Christmas morning. Inside the white cardboard box was a hat that was the exact make and model of his old one.
Tears welled in his eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”
Spike grinned, “Thank Rarity. She’s the one that made you a new one. She thought about gluing the hat to your head, but I persuaded her not to do that.”
“Oh, I take it she’s still mad about me kissing her sister,” Ernest paused. “That sounds a lot worse when I say it out loud.”
“Yeah, but I convinced her to make this hat for you as a favor.”
As Ernest stood in the daylight, he put on the hat. It fit perfectly. He turned to Spike and shook his clawed hand. “Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it.”
The baby dragon was about to reply when violet-stitched lettering began to appear on the face of the hat as the sun hit it. I’m Stupid, it read.
“You’re Wel . . . You’re. . .” Spike could not take his eyes off the words, not believing Rarity was capable of such vengeance.
Stretching his back and legs, Ernest smiled. “Well, I’m gonna get some exercise. See ya later, alligator.” With that, Ernest took off down the road.
Recovering, Spike was about to call after him. But before he could, he felt a paw on his arm. Looking down, the baby dragon saw the dog gazing up at him. Rimshot shook his head and gave him a wink before taking off after his master.
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Rarity: the passive aggressive of vengeance.
Rimshot: the troll king of dogdom.
You know, Words cannot even begin to describe how uttely awsome it would be if there was a actual Ernest Movie based on this fic, *Sigh* sadly enough Jim Varney WAS Ernest, and when he died so did the chances of anyone ever being able to make a Ernest Movie as awsome as the originals.
That aside, each time i read this fic it brings a smile to my face, Ernests personality is just so endaring, sure he is a grade a bumbler, but his heart is as pure as freshly fallen snow, heh, i'm just suprised more Ponys aren't flocking around him just to bask in his glorious personality that's a hybrid of Rainbow dash's boasting, FLuttershy's kindness and Pinkie pies randomness/crazyness.
5661411
You're too kind bud. Your support is always appreciated.
Out of all the stories that I'm working on, Ernest is my favorite to work on. Things just come together much easier for some reason.
When I was growing up, I watched Ernest constantly. (The movies, not the commercials or the T.V. show.) And as far as I'm concerned Jim Varney is the best actor of all time.
I'm just glad there's people on this site that likes Ernest as much as I do.
Nothing makes me smile like Ernest. I hope he and Pinkie get to hang out in the next chap, maybe helping her escape the insides of a dump truck perhaps?
Hahaha smart one Rarity!
I'm so glad I found this. You nailed Ernest's style of humor, I can almost hear Jim Varney voicing some of these lines xD