The Royal Camelot Voice
Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie gave Rarity disapproving glares as she entered Ernest’s room. The fashionista winced. Perhaps she had gone too far by punching the ridiculous cross-dresser in his revolting face. It certainly caused an uproar among the staff and other ponies in the lobby. If not for Twilight intervening, security would have escorted Rarity out of the building. Rarity sighed. No, all that was certainly unbecoming of a lady. She did not have to like this uncouth creature, nor forgive him. But for the sake of her friends, she would tolerate him.
The now calm pony came to the foot of the bed, and glanced at Ernest. Strangely, the human was grinning broadly, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. The smile made the violet-maned unicorn angry all over again.
“I’m not sorry,” Rarity said to the girls. “I’m not sorry, and furthermore, I’m not apologizing.”
Ernest groaned and mumbled in his sleep, “Hey ,Vern, when did ya get a new neighbor?” Ernest’s grin widened. “She sounds pretty cute. Have ya asked her out yet? I bet she’s as nice as a hot fudge sundae on a summer’s day. You know what I mean?”
Twilight fought not to laugh as Rarity’s cheeks turned bright pink. Pinkie Pie showed no such restraint as she guffawed at the creature’s statement.
“I think he likes you, Rarity,” Pinkie teased as she hopped about the room. “Yep, there’s romance in the air.”
Rarity rounded on the pink earth pony. “What? No! Not in a million years! Especially not after what he did to poor Sweetie Belle!”
“Yeah, that’s a little creepy,” Pinkie admitted. “We’ll have to talk to him about that. Him kissing ponies might not go over well at the party.”
Twilight’s ears perked up. “Party? What Party?”
“The one I’m having for Ernest at Sugar Cube Corner later today. Duh,” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes.
“Uh, Pinkie? I’ve been thinking,” Twilight began.
“Yeah, you always do. That’s why you’re so smart!” Pinkie exclaimed, as she gave Twilight a playful noogie. “What’s on your mind, Smartypants?”
“Maybe it’s not such a good idea to have a party for Ernest,” Twilight answered slowly.
Pinkie Pie gave Twilight a wounded look. “But, that’s what I do for every pony new to Ponyville. It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t have a party for him.”
“But, darling, if what Twilight suspects is true, then this. . .” Rarity paused, tapping her hoof against her chin. “Oh, what’s the word?”
“Human,” Twilight offered.
“Thank you,” Rarity nodded. “This human doesn’t belong here. He’s already attacked my sister and the rest of the Crusaders. Celestia only knows what he’ll do next. I say we put him on the first train to Canterlot as soon as he wakes up and let the Princesses deal with him.”
Twilight glared at her. “I’m a princess.”
“Oh! Yes, of course you are, Sweetie,” Rarity grinned and patted her wings.
Twilight rolled her eyes and snorted.
“But we can’t send him away yet. He’s hurt. And a party might be what he needs to feel better,” Pinkie pleaded with Twilight. “I don’t think he’s a bad pony. He’s just far away from home and needs some help. Didn’t the humans of Canterlot High help you get your crown back, Twilight?”
“Yes. They did,” Twilight said thoughtfully. She sighed and continued, “Alright, I think we can show him some generosity,” she nodded to Rarity who gritted her teeth, “for a couple of days without too many problems. . . if he behaves himself.”
Pinkie pumped her hoof in the air. “Yesss, party at Sugar Cube Corner!”
“Let’s keep the guest list small, okay, Pinkie? Nopony can know what he is,” Twilight continued.
Pinkie Pie nodded happily, while Rarity pouted. “Fine, but don’t come whining to me if this turns out badly.”
The tall creature began to stir. His eyes were screwed shut as if he was having a bad dream.
Noticing this, Twilight shushed her two friends. “I think he’s waking up.”
The three ponies drew closer to the bed expecting Ernest to open his eyes. Instead, the creature lifted up one his legs and let out a colossal fart.
“Oh, sweet Celestia!!!” Rarity cried as the invisible cloud of odiferous fumes spread. She ran over to one of the windows and threw it open. She sucked in lungfuls of sweet smelling outside air.
Twilight instantly materialized a force field around herself.
Pinkie began running around the room with a huge empty pickle jar, laughing. “Oh, wow! That stinks!”
“Pinkie, what are you doing?” Twilight asked.
“I’m collecting this smell for later. This stuff is too good to waste.”
Ernest sat up abruptly; all the commotion had finally woke him up. “That dog is going to get it. How many times do I have to tell that beagle not to have company over while I’m asleep?” he grumbled to himself as he sat up, massaging his throbbing temples. “All his friends do is make a mess. They howl at the moon, watch ‘Underdog’ over and over again, break windows, and pee on the furniture. I’m . . . .” Ernest noticed the three ponies. One had her head stuck out a window and was glaring at him with hate-filled eyes. Another had a pinkish bubble around her body as she looked at him curiously. And the last pony was trying to coax air into a large jar.
Ernest didn’t even raise an eyebrow at the scene before him. This was obviously a dream. Then he shook with terror. This was no dream. He recognized the ponies that blew his cover and attacked him during his escape attempt. The Troll Slayer searched for something to throw or defend himself with. Perhaps a sword or a lemon cream pie. Seeing nothing within reach, he laughed nervously, “Eh, heh, heh, heh, can I help you ladies? If you’re looking for that handsome devil who escaped earlier, he’s in the next room over. I’m . . . uh, his twin brother. Yeah, my name’s Tom. Tom Bobby. Please don’t hurt me.”
Twilight Sparkle slowly walked up and stood beside the cowering creature. She dropped her shield for a moment, sniffed the air, and immediately put it back up. She gagged at the smell. Struggling to maintain a diplomatic smiling face she said, “Don’t be afraid Mr. Worrell. No pony is going to hurt you. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and on behalf of Equestria, welcome to Ponyville.”
The winged unicorn brought down her force field around one of her hoofs and offered it to Ernest. Ernest glanced at the appendage dubiously, unsure of how to proceed. However, being the gentleman he prided himself on, he gently took the hoof in both of his hands and kissed it lightly. He grinned, “It’s good to meet you ma’am. My name’s Ernest, Ernest P. Worrell, not Tom Bobby. Tom and Bobby are good friends of mine back home.”
Twilight’s smile wavered as the creature’s lips pressed against her hoof. She would have to remember to take an extra long bath when she got back to the library. The alicorn nodded her head at Ernest’s introduction. “Yes, Doctor Brighthoof told us all about you. They said that you were, were . . . uh, different.”
Growing more comfortable with his new guests, Ernest asked, “Yeah, speaking of the doc, where is he?” He then added quickly, “Uh, not that I mind you three being here.” Noticing a foul stench in the air he inquired, “You smell that?”
By this time Rarity had pulled her head back through the window and replied tersely, “Doctor Brighthoof is trying to find Granny Smith. Apparently she wandered off when you tried to escape.”
Ernest smiled, “Yep, that’s her. Good ol’ Granny. You know me and her go way back.”
Before Rarity could growl out a reply, Twilight interjected, “Mr. Worrell—”
“Call me Ernest. My dad’s Mr. Worrell, and he wouldn’t let ya forget it either.”
“Okay, Ernest,” Twilight began. “We have some questions for you. First of all, where did you come from? You’re the only human that has ever set hoof in Equestria . . . as far as I know.”
The Troll Slayer thought about this before replying. His eyebrows rose as he whispered, “Oh, my gosh, the masks were right.” In a louder voice he asked, “Is Equestria somewhere in Missouri?”
“Where’s Missouri?” Twilight responded curiously.
Ernest nodded, “That’s what I was afraid of. That troll must have took us out of the states . . . I must be in England, where all the weird fantasy King Arthur stuff happens. Camelot must be nearby.”
“Yes, it is! Yes, it is! Canterlot is about an hour’s train ride from here.” Pinkie Pie said excitedly, bouncing up and down as she sealed her reeking container.
“Is it really? Gosh, I’ve always wanted to go there and be a knight,” Ernest said, wistfully. “My folks and friends said I couldn’t because . . . well you know, they said it wasn’t real. But that never stopped me from pretending. I think I could fit in pretty good in Camelot. You three wanna hear my royal Camelot voice? I’ve been practicing.”
“Oh, uh, no thanks, Ernest, that won’t be . . . .” Twilight protested but Ernest gave her an example anyway.
In a loud Scottish accent he cried, “Laddies, it be a dark day in our fair town! The blasted Ottoman hordes are knocking at the bloody doors of Worrell’s Hold itself! We need lads of courage and bravery to meet them in battle with our Botswanaian brothers. We shall not go willingly into that black night, if ye know what I mean?”
A tear ran down Pinkie’s cheek as she sniffed, “That was beautiful.”
Rarity looked at Pinkie, “Surely you’re joking, darling!”
“No, I could hear the emotion and drama in his voice,” Pinkie insisted. “He must have been a poet or an actor where he comes from.”
Ernest blushed and said, “Actually, I’m a sanitation engineer back home, but thanks anyway.”
“You’re a garbage pony? Why am I not surprised?” Rarity asked.
Twilight shot her a dirty look before saying, “Ernest, that was, um, good. I’m sure you would fit right in. Anyway, you said something about following a troll here. Can you tell us about that?”
“Oh, him? I took care of that problem. Ya see, a real long time ago, my great-granddaddy Reverend Phenias Worrell planted this really nasty, ugly, slimy, . . . . “
Rarity let out an impatient sigh.
Getting the hint, Ernest continued, “You get the picture. There was a troll beneath an oak tree. This stunted devil was turning kids into little wooden dolls to create an army of trolls. Well, a couple of days ago, I. . . kinda accidently let him out.”
“Why in Celestia’s name did you do that?” Rarity asked dubiously, not at all believing what Ernest was saying.
“It was an accident,” Ernest said quickly, like he was about to be punished. “Me and some of my buddies built a fort in that same tree on Halloween. And I said accidentally, ‘Yea I call thee Forth Trantor.’ And then I accidentally thumped the tree three times. Just like this.”
Ernest slapped his hand on a wooden nightstand once, twice, and on the third time there was a loud bang. Twilight, Rarity, and Ernest screamed in terror. Glitter, confetti, and balloons rained down.
Twilight looked behind her and saw that Pinkie Pie had produced her party cannon and had just fired it.
“Pinkie! What are you doing?” Rarity yelled furiously.
“I’m practicing for the hospital party. My party cannon has to be in perfect working Pinkie perfection. Now if you will excuse me, I am very busy. Parties don’t practice themselves.”
Twilight took a deep breath and let it out slowly, just the way Princess Cadence had taught her as she dropped her magic barrier.
Between Ernest, Pinkie, and Rarity, her nerves and patience were being worn thin.
Meanwhile, Rarity was forgoing calming breathing exercises. Instead, she was contemplating murder. The fashionista was having trouble deciding who she wanted to strangle more, Pinkie or Ernest.
“So, what happened to this troll you ‘accidentally’ freed?” Twilight asked, using her hooves to make air quotes. “Should we be worried about it?”
Rarity gave Twilight a disbelieving stare. “Surely you’re not taking his story seriously! Why, this is nothing more than the ravings of a lunatic!”
Twilight held up a hoof. “I want to hear what he has to say.”
“Well, long story short, the troll managed to grab five kids, including my fort building buddies, and turned them into dolls. He put those kid-dolls in his tree. I think he used his magic to change that tree into a troll fruit tree. These big brussel sprouts started to fall from it and turn into more trolls. Is all of this making sense so far?”
Pinkie Pie nodded her head vigorously as she reloaded her party cannon.
Rarity growled, “No, not at all.”
Twilight bit her lip. “Uh . . . it’s interesting, Ernest, but . . .?”
“Oh, what happened to Trantor? I gave him a big hug and a kiss and he exploded. Ya see, we were getting rid of his brussel sprout kids by throwing milk at them; they hate milk. I think they also hate authentic Bulgarian Miak, but I never got to try that out. Anyway, Trantor the troll somehow all of a sudden got really strong, really quick. You know this would be easier to explain if I had the book. I can’t remember exactly what it said.”
“You mean that huge old book that was with the rest of your stuff? That’s yours?” Twilight asked fascinated.
“No, I’m just borrowing it from Old Lady Hackmore. If you want to know anything about trolls or really weird creepy scary stuff, she’s the lady to talk to.” Ernest then looked to his left and right as he whispered, “Just between you three, me, and the walls, I think she’s nuttier than a fruitcake made out of nuts. Don’t tell her I said that.”
“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with us,” Rarity replied sarcastically.
Ernest let out a sigh of relief.
While Rarity rolled her eyes, Twilight asked, “Can you describe the passage in the book you’re thinking about?”
“Oh. Yeah, it pretty well says if you want to get rid of your average troll, use milk. But to get rid of a super strong scary troll you need the heart of a child and a mother’s care. That’s why I went up to old hammer head and gave him a big sloppy one on the lips and told him he was cute.”
Before Rarity could rip into Ernest on kissing things, Twilight asked, “So you’ve actually kissed a troll, and it exploded?”
Ernest nodded. “Yep, that’s what happened. It took me a while to figure it out. However, I am Ernest P. Worrell. I am the local authority when it comes to dispatching trolls and other supernatural critters. There has never been a vampire, zombie, or goblin that I haven’t defeated.”
Rarity asked dryly, “And have you ever come across a vampire, zombie, goblin, or a troll?”
Not able to look the unicorn in the eye, Ernest replied, “Uh, well, not so much on the vampires, zombies, and goblins. It’s mainly just trolls, but I’m pretty sure I could take on other supernatural stuff.”
“So, how did you get here?” Twilight asked.
For the first time Twilight saw uncertainty enter Ernest’s eyes. “I don’t really know, Your Majesty. When me and some of the local folks attacked the trolls at their home tree, we won. The dolls turned back into kids, but during the mopping up, one troll opened some kind of swirly magic thingie to here. I followed him to this real wooded area. We had a duel, and I won. So, there are no more trolls here.”
Ernest then sat straight up in bed like he had just remembered something very important. “Except for those three little troll mutants I
saw last night!”
Rarity hissed, “Those weren’t mutants, you imbecile. That was my sister and her two friends you attacked!”
The Troll Fighter sank back into his bed. A shameful look came over him. “Oh that explains a lot. I’m sorry, Miss Rarity. It was dark, and they were wearing scary costumes, and Rimshot and I were busy fixing the truck, and . . .”
Ernest looked at all three ponies, concern written all over his features. “Rimshot! Have you three seen my dog? He’s real small, comes up to about here, is white with brown spots, likes MTV, hates the Brady Bunch, loves hamburgers and hotdogs . . . don’t ask. Have you seen him?”
All three ponies shook their heads.
“I’m sure he’s alright. He might be at Fluttershy’s cottage. She’s our resident animal expert. If anypony can find Rimshot, she can,” Twilight proclaimed.
This seemed to make Ernest feel better.
To change the subject, the sanitation engineer asked Twilight, “Is there anyway to get me and Rimshot back home, Your Majesty? I might have a job waiting for me at a high school that I’m pretty excited about.”
Ernest’s statement got the ponies’ attention. “Did you say high school, as in Canterlot High School?” Twilight asked.
Ernest rubbed his forehead tenderly as he replied, “I can’t remember the name of the school, but that sounds right. I’m good with kids, and I’m good at cleaning up messes . . . both theirs and mine. I’ve had a lot of practice.”
The three ponies looked at each other with mutual understanding. A warm smile was on Twilight’s face as she said, “Ernest, I think we can get you home. There is a portal to Canterlot High located in the Crystal Empire that opens every full moon. The next full moon is in two days. My friends and I will come with you to the Crystal Empire and make sure you get home safely.”
Ernest smiled from ear to ear. “Thank you, Your Majesty. I. . . I. . . don’t know what to say. Is there anything I can do to repay you?”
Before Twilight could reply, Pinkie piped up, reading a clipboard. “Nah, I’m good. But, if I were you, I’d have the doctors get rid of those worms and gingivitis. And while they were at it, you could ask about that spastic colon of yours. Personally I wouldn’t, you sound great. I wish I had that kind of a random colon.”
“Pinky!” Twilight yelled. “That’s his private medical information. You’re not supposed to see that.”
Rarity made a disgusted face and chimed in, “Much less share it with us.”
Ernest was almost embarrassed to the point of tears when he said, “Oh, it ain’t no big deal. Although that spastic colon is a new one on me.”
As Ernest recovered from his shame, a thought occurred to him. “What else did you three find in the forest besides that book and my truck?”
Twilight blew her bangs from her face before answering. “Nothing really.”
Ernest debated whether to tell her about his adventure at Zecora’s hut. Ernest nodded. “Okey doke.”
“Well, Ernest, since you’ll be staying in Ponyville for a bit, there are some rules that you’re going to have to follow,” Twilight said, standing up and beginning to pace.
“Your wish is my command, Your Highness.”
The princess laughed as she said, “You don’t have to call me that, Ernest.” Twilight muttered to herself darkly. “It’s not like any pony else does. . .”
The ponies and human stared at the princess quizzically.
“But thanks anyway,” she continued brightly. “Okay, rule number one. You can’t tell anypony that you’re a human.”
Ernest gave the Princess a worried look. “Why not? Are humans sacrificed here? Am I gonna be eaten if other horses find out how tasty I am? You don’t wanna eat me, Princess. I’m nothing but skin and bone . . . with some muscle. I’ve been trying to work out in the gym, but it’s hard to find the time, you know what I mean? And . . .”
Shaking her head, Twilight yelled, “NO! No, Ernest, we don’t want to eat you. The fact of the matter is, you’re not supposed to be here. If ponies found out that a human was here, it might cause a panic. It’s real easy to start a panic in Ponyville. A couple of years ago a herd of rabbits came through Ponyville. It took hours to calm everypony down. It was pathetic. Until you get home, Ernest, you are a pony in a costume practicing for Nightmare Night.”
“What’s Nightmare Night?” asked Ernest.
“It’s great.” Pinkie answered happily. “It’s where you run around all over Ponyville asking random ponies for candy. You get to dress up in a costume and play all sorts of games and scare anypony you come across.
“Oh, it’s like Halloween,” Ernest mused. “Yeah, I can pretend I’m in an Ernest costume for a couple of days. What else do you want me to do, Your Highness?
“Rule Two: Don’t kiss anypony else while you’re here, and Rule Three: Stay out of trouble. If you follow these simple rules, everything will be just fine,” Twilight replied.
Ernest saluted and said, “Can do, Princess.” Looking over at Pinkie limbering up for her hospital party Ernest asked, “Do you need help setting up downstairs?”
Pinkie shook her head, “Thanks for asking, Ernest, but I can handle it. You stay here and get some rest. You got a big party of your own to look forward to later on!”
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Was thinking ya have up on the idea.
This is just so utterly charming that I can get over the ridiculousness of it. Fantastic work!
what a wonderful chapter
I can't wait for the next one
great to see you again
Yay! Ernest and Pinkie is gonna be the bestest of pals!
4764218 Good to see you to, although I didn't go anywhere. Just slow is all.
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I'm glad you guys liked the chapter. This one for some reason was a real pain to write. Still fun but I had a tough time making it work.
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Works every time. Except when it doesn't. Then we have a problem.
while ernest selltel down in ponyville what evil troll up to with the tree of humaney?
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I can't tell ya that now.
You'll have to wait and see buddy