Chapter Twelve: “Ohmigawd, you are a thousand percent stoned.”
Chapter 12: “Ohmigawd, you are a thousand percent stoned.”
Sundays are nice. Sundays are quiet. There’s entertaining yet imbecilic stuff on TV that you can veg out too, and not think for like, hours.
Unless you’re Runway Project. “Hey, why’s that stallion counting so slow? Is he retarded? Do you watch shows for retarded ponies? ARE YOU RETARDED?!” she adds in a panicky note, looking at me with wide eyes.
“Wha-no! It’s a kids’ show you yahoo! He’s counting slow so the little kids watching the show can learn!”
“Oh,” is her only response, as she goes back to eating cereal.
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“Three! The next number is three! WOW these kids are stupid!”
I glance sideways, watching Runway stare in disbelief at a bunch of foals on a teaching show.
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“He’s in the dumpster, you idjits! I swear, it’s like you didn’t just watch him jump in there!”
I roll my eyes. “No, Runway, they didn’t. WE did. They were around the corner.”
“But it’s shaking. AND IT’S THE ONLY THING BIG ENOUGH TO FIT A GRIFFON.”
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“OH MY CELESTIA IT’S CALLED A CIRCLE! Not a square, not a triangle, not a… ok I guess trash can lids are circles so go you gross dumpster guy. Wha-NO. DUMPSTER GUY, WHY?!”
At this point I’ve turned slightly in my seat to watch both the TV and my sister. I can’t decide which is more entertaining.
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“He-holy shit he just went into the blue door, ya moron! BLUE! FREAKIN BLUE!”
I’ve long since stolen her bowl of cereal, as I finished mine like an episode ago. I crunch, amused, as I watch her lean at the screen.
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“FIFTY! FIVE-OH. IT’S A NUMBER, IT COMES AFTER FOUR-NINE!”
Crunch. Cr-oh wait my cereal is empty.
...I wonder how funny this would be if I were stoned.
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“That’s not an F, it’s an E! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
I lean against the TV screen as the bright pink pony girl points at a letter chart. “Tell me your secrets, alphabet. Yessssss…”
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“Why is everything on this show so stupid?! WHY?! IT’S NOT LIKE BUSES AND BOATS LOOK ANYTHING ALIKE! BOATS GO ON WATER CAUSE THEY FLOAT!”
My eyes widen in understanding. “Oh my god, you’re totally right. I never thought about that.” I lean against my super-smart sister and pet her mane. “You’re like, the smartest mare!”
“Why yes, I’m- are you HIGH?!”
“Aren’t we all? I mean, we live on clouds, Runway, clouds.” I gasp as a realization hits me. I grab her by the cheeks and pull her face close to mine. “I’M ALWAYS HIGH.”
“Ohmigawd, you are a thousand percent stoned. Won’t that get you like, fired?!” she reels back for some reason, holding her nose. I hold my nose too, in case of poison gas.
“Nah, you can’t get fired for being stoned unless you’re like, working stoned or something. If they could fire us for getting stoned at home they could fire us for getting drunk at home and Spitfire would be like, infinifired… infinityred. Infi-she’d be like all the way fired. Like WOW she’s fired,” I’m saying a lot of words right now. They feel funny when my nose is closed. Hee-hee.
Runway sighs, letting go of her nose. Oh good, no more poison. “Dusty, why did you get stoned?”
“Well, cause first I was all like, ‘my sister is being super funny right now. You know what else is funny? Pot’. Hee-hee, pot. Pot pot pot. But then I started smoking and I was like, ‘holy shit she’s super right, these kids are like wayyyyy dumb’!”
She throws her hooves in the air. “Thank you!”
I do the same cause PARTY. “Party!”
She looks at me, hooves still in the air. So are mine. Is this a game? I’m so gonna win! “Uh, Dusty, why are you copying me?”
“...Party?” She puts her hooves down. “I win!”
She sighs like, SUPER hard. Wow, that was impressive. That was like, a Master Sigh. She’s a SIGHMASTER. “You’re TOTALLY a SighMaster™!”
“Wha-how’d you do that?!” she asks, slightly panicked. Wait, are we panicking now? Is the party over?!
“What what what?!”
She points a hoof at my muzzle. I look down at it, and my eyes cross. WHOA. I have SO MUCH MUZZLE. “Dude...”
“What-no! The trademark thing!”
“The what thing?”
“The- you know what nevermind. The next show is about to come on,” she sighs, unmuting the tv.
“Cool,” I answer, and pick up my new bowl of cereal.
“Wh-how long have you been eating that one bo-HEY! WHERE’S MY CEREAL?!”
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What the fuck?!
Oh my god, this was amazing to read!
Runway Project so needs to be a proper character on the show. She is a hoot. And she'd probably give the suits hairy fits.
Woah. Runway being more responsible or something than Lightning! WOAH.
Also, nice whamline title that is explained after it happens!
Wanna get high?
What?
I love how Lightning Dust starts acting like Runway when she's stoned. Could be a fun chapter where they are both stoned and they act like each other.
To be fair, this is probably the best way to deal with someone like Runway.
Fitting music:
When Runway comes off as the sane and smart one, you know there’s problems.