Chapter 1: Runaway Foal
Chapter 1: Runaway Foal
Starlight trots along quietly in the rain her hood and cloak keeping her body warm and dry. She quietly enters Sugarcube where a white Pegasus with bright purple and poofy hair steps up to the counter.
"Hi welcome to Sugercube corner! how may I help you?"
Starlight lowers her head slightly not showing her face.
"Could I get one milkshake please?"
"Ok what flavor would you like?" The pony says brightly.
"Do you have strawberry?"
"Yes we do I'll be right back."
The white Pegasus goes into the back to make the milkshake while Starlight quietly waits. Starlight notices a few foal toys scattered about in a corner of the shop. Starlight quietly mumbles to herself till the pony comes back with the strawberry milkshake. He hoofs it to her.
"Here you go that will be 3 bits" The pony closes his eyes and smiles.
Starlight lifts her cloak slightly enough that she is not showing much of her body and pulls out the bits. She accidentally drops them
"Dang it!"
The pony kneels down to help pick them up.
"No please I can do it. Its fine" Starlight struggles to stand her hooves shaking
"Are you ok?"
Starlight struggles to speak "Y-yes"
"Is something wrong miss?"
"W-what?"
"Your shivering. Are you scared of something did I do something wrong?"
"N-no" Starlight falls back exposing her face. Her pink mane was ragged and her horn had a cracks in it and her bright pink eyes look like she had been crying for quite some time. The pony looks at her with wonder and concern
"Please tell me whats wrong I can help you."
"N-no you cant" Starlight gets up and puts her hood back up. She wobble walks a little before falling again "Ahhh."
The pony helps her up "Are you hurt?"
"Just very tiwed.. I mean tired."
"How old are you?"
"I'm um 30?"
The pony frowns.
"Please you need to trust me. I can only help you if you tell me the truth. I'm Birthday Bash whats your name?"
Starlight begins to acts slightly less mature "Leave me alone"
"Are you........ a filly?"
Starlight blushes slightly "No!"
"Wheres your mom?"
"None of your business!"
Birthday giggles.
"Whats so funny?!"
"Your acting like a child. It kinda cute."
"No I'm not! I'm fully gwown big pony!"
"I never said you were a child. I said you were acting like one"
"Well your um" Starlight runs for the door.
"Hey wait!" Birthday chases after her
Starlight throws her cloak at the Pegasus "Leave me alone!" Starlight jump kicks off the door over Birthday Bash and the counter then heads for the backdoor. She sticks her tongue out at him "Nnnnnnnnn!"
Birthday flies in front of her her
"Did you forget? I have wings."
"Maybwe?"
Birthday giggles again.
Starlight stomps her hoof on the ground "Stop waughing at me!" She covers her mouth.
Birthday Bash falls down and laughs
"Hahahaha oh wow hahahahaha"
"Stop it!" Starlight begins to tear up "Stop waughing its not my fault"
Birthday stops laughing and walks over to her and gives her a hug.
"I'm sorry"
"You should bwe!" Starlight sniffles.
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Can yoo wet me go now?"
Birthday lets her go.
"I really am sorry"
Starlight takes a deep breath as she attempts to collect her thoughts. "Ok can I just go now?"
"All I want to know is why are you hurt?"
Starlight looks away trying not to make eye contact "Cause"
"Please I can help"
"Nu uh"
Starlight looks at him and back. She sighs. "If I tell you can I pwease just weave?"
"Yes you can"
"I...Iranaway! Now you know" Starlight tries to leave.
Birthday puts his wing in her way.
"That's not enough"
"You said you would wet me weave!"
"You didn't tell me anything. Details please"
"You said you wanted to know why I was hurt now you know just weave me awone."
"No that doesn't explain how you got you're injuries or why you ran away"
Starlight sits on her flank and begins to pout like a little foal
"Look if you tell me I'll give you some cupcakes do we have a deal?"
Starlight shakes her head "Where I come from I have cupcakes everyday!" Starlight turns her head away
"Ok then what sweet don't you have"
"We have every sweet that's made from here."
"Then what do you want there has to be something."
Starlight gets up to turn around to face the wall tugs on the black sash containing her wings. The sash tears off revealing Starlight to be a black Alicorn with pink mane and tail. Starlight's wing looked scratched up and didn't look fit to fly.
Birthday Bash backs up shocked.
"Y-you're an Alicorn!"
"So?"
Birthday bows to her.
"I'm sorry for keeping you princess"
Starlight screams "Don't bow its stupid!"
Birthday Bash stands back up confused.
"Why?"
"I don't wanna bwe weminded of home. Besides I'm not even a pwincess."
"Then how are you an Alicorn?"
"It's a wong story"
"Can I go wet?"
"Ok wait a sec you tell me your an Alicorn and then you say your not a princess and now you want to leave?"
Starlight nods "Wes I don't wanna be here! I wanna just go umm."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know! I'm sure there is some pwace a 4 year old can go wight?"
"4 year old!"
"What?!"
"You're 4 years old!?"
"Mhmm pwease can I go now?!"
"No you must be lost I need to find your mom"
"I don't wanna go back to mommy! It's pewfectwe nowal fow a foal to wun away!"
"Why is she mean to you?"
Starlight runs to the door concerned "No!"
Birthday picks her up and flies out the door into the sky.
Starlight struggles to get out of Birthdays grip "Wet me go!!"
"Unless you want to fall 200 feet to the ground please stop struggling I don't want to drop you."
Starlight bites Birthday. "I don't wanna go home!"
"Ooww stop that."
Birthday lands on a cloud in front of a huge cloud house.
Starlight tries again to protest or negotiate her release. "I'm a full grown foal I can take care of myself!"
"Your only 4 let me help you I'll go find your mom, but I need somepony to look after you for a little while"
Birthday knocks on the door of the big cloud house.
"No!" Starlight struggles harder "Wet go!" she begins to tear up again.
"Please stop this is for your own good"
A yellow Pegasus pony with orange eyes and mane opens the door.
"Hey BB"
"Hey Spitty I need a favor"
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Nice username
3718519 Oh my freaking Celestia! I have no words on how to describe the amount of hilarity I am experiencing at this moment. I must tell you this is the first time I have ever encountered a pony with the same username as me.
Intresting first chapter. Good to see another story from you.
3718824 Yea the foalsat one I assume is gonna pick after the next chapter cause it will have more variety and stop being so boring but this one I love as well and others want me to continue beyond 3 chapters then me and my friend will
Sugarcube corner....Really? For one that is a family establishment, the cakes living there with Pinkie Pie. For this never heard of pony to be working there is a bit too much of a stretch since the idea isn't properly introduced. We're just expected to accept this OC we've never seen before just works in someone's home. It'd be better if it was just an anonymous candy store in Cloudsdale itself.
Second a foul that doesn't want to go home and is very resistant to the idea needs to be taken to a guard/police station, not right back home where there is obviously a problem.
Three. Starlight is a black and pink alicorn....
Do yourself a favor and just make her a pegasus. That way you can save yourself about 500 kneejerk downvotes. For one alicorn OC are very hard to balance right even for experienced authors and even then they can slide into Mary Sue territory. Not too mention the pitch black coat of fur on an alicorn OC isn'tvery original...at all.
3720419 It an RP not a canon I explained that already. two not my OC three fuck off cause I will never change her to anything but an alicorn now good day to you. My OC not yours and not your story you cant just go bossing me around and ponies will get over the fact that shes an alicorn. One more thing a story is make believe not always based on fact so taking to the police would not make for a good story. Another thing it isn't my OC and pony who it belongs to made it the son of Surprise and Pinkie pie is his aunt so that's why it takes place in sugarcube corner!
I decided to go through this thoroughly and found 132 errors in terms of punctuation, capitalisation, tense and general grammar. Multiple times, you slip into the past tense, not put commas around clauses, erroneously capitalise words, miss out punctuation and confuse homonyms. I suggest you correct the errors in this piece.
3727188 It's an RP not real written story I expected this. I'll fix later gotta go for run.
you're, not your. Your shows possession, whereas you're is short for you are. They're not interchangeable