NOM NOM NOM...GOES THE PIGEON!!!
I Become A Legend Of Zelda Of The Magical Mystic Genie Of Glasgow And The Ultimate Lifeform Meets My Harry Potter Nagger Of Doom And Cake...MONKIES!!!
I looked out of the steamed up windows and saw the early hours of daylight streaming through.
“Read to go another round?” Derpy purred.
“Err...maybe in a few hours, I‘m a bit sore.”
She sighed. “Okay...Hey, want me to show you around Ponyville?”
“Eh. I should probably get to Twi. She’s probably f-reaking!” ...Heh. “Whoop de whoop, readers!”
I strolled up to the library and kicked the door open. “MORNIN’, TWI!!!”
“YARGH!!!” Twi screamed, jumping a few feet in the air. “ELLIOT! Where have you been?!”
“Hi.” I grinned goofily. “I was...heh, bucking.”
She faltered. “Y-y-you-yo-you-you were-you were...having SEX?!” She raged.
I gave a feminine wave of my hand. “Oh, darling! You make it sound so...so crass!”
Spike wandered into the room. “Hey, Twi, can you quiet down? Oh, hey, Elliot.”
“Dragon Bro! What’s happening, my main man?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Uh...not much, Twi was just going crazy after you disappeared yesterday. The rest of the girls are going to be coming here soon to look for you.” Guy’s pretty chill. He’s my new snuggle buddy! ...It’s not gay!
“Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool.” I nodded. “And your plans?”
“Eh. Do chores, then help Rarity.” Hmmm. Devoted little guy. Maybe I should help him sometioooh shiny...
Twily glared at me. “What are you staring at?”
“Your magic aura.”
“...Of course.” She continued sorting the books with her MAGIC.
...
...
I sat around twiddling my thumbs for ages.
...
...
...
I helped Dragon Dude with his chores as the hours passed.
...
...
...
...
I slammed my head off of the wall over and over.
...
...
...
...
...
I went over to Twily, whom was still sorting books, and kicked her in the flank.
“OW!” She turned and glared at me, books dropping to the floor. “What’s your problem?!”
“I’m so booooooooooooooored! I’ve been here for hours!”
Her eyelids drooped. “Elliot. You got here five minutes ago.”
... “Oh...”
“So if you could just-”
“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!!” I sobbed.
“ELLIOT!!” Twily yelled.
“...Yeah?”
“Be quiet. The girls will be here soon, and then we can finish our tour.”
“...kay.”
“HIYA, ELLIOT!!!” Pinkie yelled, popping out from nowhere.
“Hiya, Pinks.” I grinned as Twily screamed in shock.
“Pinkie...where are the others?” Twily asked.
“Weeeeeell...they were all like, ‘C’mon, Pinkie, we’re going to be late!’ and I was like, ‘Oh, no! I can’t be late! If I’m late then Twilight might be mad at me, and if Twilight’s mad at me she’ll get angry and if she gets angry we might argue and if we argue we might stop being friends!’ ...Yup. That’s what happened.”
“Pinkie.” Twily smiled. “We’ll never stop being-”
“Where’d your slave go?” I asked, just noticing the little Dragon Dude was missing.
“Spike isn’t a slave.” Twily growled.
“Then why do you treat him like one? Food for thought! Random Human Ramblings, yay!” I yelled at the top of my voice.
“What are you...? No, never mind, I don’t want to know.”
I nodded in understanding. I decided to quote something that had special meaning to occasions like this. “He looked over this amazing sight, turned to his friend and said, ‘Poppity, pop, pop, pop.’”
Twily just stared at me. “...You’re insane!”
I gasped in shock, my eyes tearing up. “I...I’VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!” I cried.
Pinkie gave me a hug. “There, there. It could be worse. You could have a lot of fish.”
I gawped. “You...you...” I gasped. “You’re...” A grin spread across my face. “YOU’RE LIKE ME!!!” I grabbed her in a hug and swung her around and around and around and around.
“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Pinks cheered.
After a few seconds of spinning Twily cleared her throat. “Elliot. Don’t you think you should stop before you drop-” I lost my grip and Pinks flew into a wall. Then promptly bounced off and shot all over the roof bouncing off of the walls. “...her...?”
“Twilight!” A sing-song voice called from the other side of the main door as it opened. “It’s us!” Rarity stepped in.
And thusly got a bucket of green slime, which I placed there earlier, over her head.
A rainbow maned pegasus laughed as I danced around Rarity singing, “My prank worked! My prank worked! I slimed the snob, who tried to rob, my fashion sense blind!”
Rarity stared at her hooves in horror as slime dripped onto them. “THIS IS THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!!!” She cried.
“TWILIGHT!!!” A yellow pegasus cried, tears streaking from her eyes, shot into the room and engulfed Twily in a hug, sobbing down her back.
“Fluttershy? What’s wrong?”
“It...it’s Spot! He...he’s gone!”
“Spot?”
“A doggie!”
“Winona’s gone too.” An orange Earth pony with a hat said sounding empty.
“Applejack...”
I smirked. “Seems like you two need to chill. I got this.” I gave a half-hearted wave. “Name’s Elliot. I’m a human and I’m going to find your pets. Take me to where they went missing and I’ll eat cake and solve the crime.”
“Oh!” Yellow gasped. “I...I don’t think it’s a...a crime exactly.”
“Fluttershy.” Orange mumbled. “Both our dogs are missing. I don’t think it’s just a coincidence.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Before we go play detectives we should get introductions out of the way. Everypony, this is Elliot. Elliot, this is Applejack,” she gestured at Hatty, “Fluttershy,” she pointed at Yellow, “and Rainbow Dash.” She pointed at Skittles.
“HI!” I cheered. “I’m Elliot and I like to...things!”
And with that we were on our way to the scenes of the crimes.
We arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage, Twilight was still giving a running commentary as we passed through town, there were animals everywhere, Fluttershy seemed to love every form of animal, be it herbivore or carnivorous. I took a close look at the bridge; it just seemed so relaxing out here. Then something caught my eye. A hint of red by the reeds. I ignored it for the moment and entered the cottage.
“T...This is where Spot usually sleeps.” Fluttershy whispered, pointing to a basket. Ever since her initial outburst at the library she seemed to withdraw into herself.
“Hmmm...” I stroked my imaginary beard. I dropped down onto my stomach and started licking the floor.
“What are you doing?” Twily asked.
“Shhhh!” I shushed. “Me in detective mode. Me using Detective Vision.” I sniffed a small yellow patch on the basket before licking it. “...Pee. Not...nervous...” I trailed off. I inspected the floor. Nothing... I moved the basket over and noticed two sets of four deep grooves set into the wood. I stood up and walked over to a small bird that twitched away as I got near. “Meh moo. Clingy cloo clow? Jingie jang, mese iggy. Klickity klack.” I said before sticking my tongue out and the bird slowly approached and rested on it for a few seconds before flying off. I frowned.
“Are...are you done?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. Faecal Matter? I mean, Fluttershy?”
“Um...yes...?”
“I’m sorry to say that Spot was petnapped.”
She gasped. “He...what?”
Twily glared at me. “Fluttershy don’t believe a thing he says. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Really, Twilight?” I asked. “Do I really not know what I’m talking about? Then I suppose that the fresh pee mark in the basket means nothing then, does it?”
“That could be there for any number of reasons! He could have needed the toilet and not gotten out! He could have been marking his territory!”
I nodded. “All valid points. But you’re forgetting one thing. Marking pee and bathroom pee both taste differently. As does pee that comes out when a dog gets scared or shocked. And if he needed the toilet or was marking do you really think that the wet patch would be that small?”
“...Okay, you have a point with the size, but how would you even know about the taste?”
“I spent a few months living on the streets with my dog. It was an enlightening experience. Anyway, then we come to item two! The grooves in the floor. Fluttershy, can you confirm if they are the same size as Spot’s claws? Also were they there before?”
“Oh! Um...I-I’ll try...” She studied the floor for a minute before nodding. “Th-they’re his. A...and they’re new.”
I smiled smugly. “See, Twilight? Those grooves were made as someone dragged Spot off of his basket before they got a better grip and lifted him up. Also they were hidden under the basket, now; I don’t know many dogs that can do that. Do you?”
“I...alright, I’ll give you that one too.”
“Point three. Fluttershy, are your animals accustomed to strangers and strange noises?”
“Um...well...ponies come here all the time to get new pets and since we live so close to the Everfree there’s a lot of unexplainable noises...so, yes...I guess they are.” She said ever so slightly more confident and louder than before. Good to see she’s getting used to me.
I nodded before turning back to Twilight. “And yet...the bird I went over to was twitching all over as I approached. Also when I spoke in gibberish it was anxious. Scared even. So...how do you explain all that? No, no! I still have one more point to make. Follow me.” I left the cottage and headed down to the river.
“Why are we here?” Twilight groaned. “The disappearance happened in the cottage!”
I nodded. “True. But on the way here I noticed something.” I pulled out one of the reeds by the river. “See this? A normal reed, right? Nope. Look at this.” I turned the reed to show the few drops of dark red on it. I scraped some off and tasted it. “As I thought. Blood.”
“That could just be an injured animal!” Twilight argued.
“True. But this proves the contrary.” I pulled the reeds apart to show hoofprints in the mud. “Fluttershy, can you compare your hoof size to these?” She approached and pressed her hoof into the mud next to the hoofprint. As she lifted the hoof it was clear that her hoof was smaller. “See, Twilight?” I asked. “Why would a pony come down here if they weren’t Fluttershy? To clean the blood off their limb from a dog bite that could have been made when they startled Spot.” I nodded to myself. “What do you have to say to that, Twilight?”
“I...Alright. You win.” She sighed in defeat. “...That was a good investigation. How did you do that? You seem too distant to investigate like that.”
“You’d be surprised at what I can do.” I smiled smugly.
After a visit to Sweet Apple Acers it was the same thing. Another petnapping. After asking around town we discovered that a large quantity of other missing dogs. After more investigating we discovered that dogs had been going missing all over Equestria.
We all sat in the library pondering about the discovery.
“So...If dogs all over Equestria are going missing...what are they being used for?” Spike asked.
I rubbed my head. “Maybe...hmm...could it...the Russian rocket fuelled garden hose...”
“...Um...do you think that they’re okay?” Fluttershy asked.
“I hope so, sugarcube, I sure do.” Applejack said.
“Eureka! I think I’ve got it!” I cried. “Back home we had these illegal dog fights where people gambled on the outcome. This seems similar.”
“Elliot. I really doubt that.” Twilight grumbled.
“Hmm...” My ear picked up a faint sound. “Do you hear that?”
Spike looked up. “...Yeah...you hear it too?”
I headed over to the door and opened it.
Two dogs rushed in, one brown and one white, and pounced on Applejack and Fluttershy respectively.
“Winona!”
“Spot!”
They both hugged their dogs, tears of joy running down their faces.
I smiled. “And that’s it for this chapter of Elliot The Crazy.”
Pinkie nodded. “And is it me, or are the chapter titles on the actual chapters getting progressively more random?”
I nodded. “I think so.”
We both grinned and yelled, “UNTIL NEXT TIME, LOYAL READERS!!!”
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Nn3eeeeeeerevvvveeeeeericeturkeygriffonpineapplestrawberrysurprise
3738211 I wrote it and I have no idea.
Please sir may I have some more ?
3974474 That depends.
Do you enjoy ze randoms?
3985398 Do you enjoy the madness?
4923603 We all enjoy ze madness!
3848437
3878326
Thespacebarisoverrated
4926822 G-e-t_o-n_m-y_l-e-v-e-l-,_k-i-d
4931608
4926935
Don't make me bring Elliot in here, kids!
Hi!
Oh crap, get out! *Sounds of pans hitting a skull repeatedly* *Sound of a tank shooting* *Sound of Chuck Norris* ...I think...he's gone...
HELP! I've run out of chapters and need to laugh my arse off. help?
5260102 Well, I tend to only write this when I'm hyper or feeling extremely silly. So no chapters for a while. Maybe around Christmas, but probably not.
5260811 HubalaBOO
I can just picture Derpy introducing Elliot to Dinky
5349954 You have inspired a moment in the chapter I'm currently writing and will thus get a shout out when I finish it! Thank you good Sir/Madam!