Elliot is...well, he's crazy. He's not right in the head. But one day he appears in Equestria, can the Equestrians help him overcome his madness? Probably not, but hey, it'll be a good laugh to see them try.
Elliot...well, he's insane, and when he mysteriously appears in Equestria he decides to roll with it and just be himself. Unfortunately for Equestria this isn't the best thing he decides to do.
After meeting Shining Armor he travels to Ponyville to learn the Magic of Friendship from Twilight Sparkle. And stare at plots.
NOTE: This story will NOT be updated again if I can help it. It was always for me to get rid of my writer's block and jot down stupid and ridiculous ideas. To the fans of this...story; Please, go read something else out there, this story is the very bottom of the barrel.
Prologue-Wait, No, Let’s Have A More Original Title! Or, PWNLHAMOT! Or, Overly Long Titles For The Win! Or, My God, Does This Title Ever End? Or, SHUT UP AND START THE STORY!!
“Mr Elliot, what have we learned today?” The Dude asked. Why’s he called the Dude? Well...I don’t know. He’s just like, duuude! You know? No. Of course you don’t. Fuck you; he’s the Dude, or just Dude.
“Um...I...don’t really know, I kinda zoned out.” I shrugged. “Sooo...bye.” I slowly stood up and tried to walk through the door. “Ow. Hmm, not a ghost yet. What an intriguing development!” I opened the door and walked out.
“I despise that stupid piece of sh-” I slammed the door shut. I opened it again. “Can...I help you?” The Dude asked, raising a dudely eyebrow on his dudely face on his dudely head attached to his dudely...yeah, I’ma stop now.
“Nope. Because...Well, you’re kind of a Meanie Mcmeanerson.” I slammed the door shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut.
“HEY!! STOP THAT!!” The Dude roared, getting up from his seat and blank room. Seriously, the room has two chairs and that’s it. No desk, no pictures, no...uh... what do people usually have in their offices? To hell with it, I don’t know, I’m not boring.
I stopped slamming the door and looked at him. “Uh...No?” I slammed the door shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut. Opened it. Slammed it shut.
Then I fucking ran for the hills. Tonto! Save me! I am your foreign lover, Bigus Dickus!
Nah, I didn’t really. Are you really that stupid? Hello, 21st century?!
I really ran for my room. I ran down white corridor after white corridor after white corridor. For about five minutes. Eventually I arrived back at my current...accommodations. I nodded to the two guards in front of my door. “Guard #1. Guard #2.” They never told me their names-it’s against the rules-and I’m to goddamn lazy to come up with real names. Plus, it makes them sound like Secret Agents! Squee!
What? Secret Agents are cool! Squee!
What? Squee mean squee. Don’t like it get out.
They ignored me and opened the door to my room.
“Yeah, well your wives are cheating on you with a banker!” I said cheerfully as I entered and they slammed the door behind me. Now, you’re probably thinking, Elliot, what’s a bright, friendly and dashingly handsome guy like yourself doing in a hotel thing like this, where my personal guards are silent, the teachers are nasty and you get locked up all the time?
Newsflash! I’m not in a hotel, school thingy! This is a mental asylum!
And yes, I’m insane, but the nice kind! Don’t start screaming, don’t start running, don’t start rubbing my cock-unless you’re a disembodied hand-, just relax!
Okay, so here I am at Winston’s Institution for the Criminally Insane, and I got to say, not too shabby! The walls are clean of shit-unlike others-, the other patients don’t scream all night-unlike others-, you don’t have to fear for your life in the lounge-unlike others-, you don’t get verbally abused by the majority of the staff-unlike home-, and you don’t have to wear a straightjacket. But I do. Why? Because straightjackets are cool! Duh.
I eventually got bored and started walking into the padded walls. “Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Potato! Bored. Bored. Bored. Penis! Bored. Bored.” I stopped and looked at my watch. “Hmm...a hair past a freckle. Ah! Fap O’clock! Hmm...on second thoughts...not seen any females in the past month to fap to. BUT NO!!” I tapped my finger on the end of my chin. Then I jumped up to the cell door and started making gibberish sounds. “I have no idea...what I’m doing!” I said while smiling.
I reverted back to walking into walls for the next hour. Then I got into the straightjacket. Then I escaped from the straightjacket. Then I walked into walls again. A grin spread over my face. “FLUFFY!!” I yelled, running into the walls.
I eventually got bored and sat down on the floor.
“Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord. Woooooooooooo!” I yelled, running around again. “Happy times, lonely times! You gotta rock, you gotta roll! You gotta...Wait, hold on! Hold on here! I got this! It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roooo-oooooo-ooooooolllll! Long way to the top if you wanna be a god! Boobie boobie boo boo! Derp, derp, derp, derp, derp, derp!” I sung, spinning around and around.
I stared at the wall for a second before gasping and attempting to hug it.
“Please stop.” A voice came from the intercom.
“Oh, hi, Intercom Dude! How’s the wife and kids? She still nagging you about getting drunk at the Flying Dove the other night?” I asked cheerfully.
“Yeah, she...Wait, how’d the hell you know about that?!” He gasped.
“Know what?” I asked, confused as to what he was talking about.
“Huh? Bu-you-aba-hubba-ju-jus-pth-HUH?!”
“Are you hearing voices in your head? Now don’t be afraid of them. It’s going to be okay.” I said soothingly.
“That’s it! Be quiet or I’ll administer the knock out gas!”
Do the peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!
Do the peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!”
“SHUT UP!!” Intercom Dude screamed and I heard a button being smashed. “Let’s see how you like...huh? What’s that smell?”
“Nighty night.” I said smugly.
“Oh, you son of...a...bi...zzz...”
I chuckled. “Bit of a strange time for a nap, old buddy, old pal, old friend of mine!”
You see, despite popular belief, I’m not insane. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I don’t. Take that knock out gas for example. Last week it was installed because I wouldn’t shut up. After two uses of it, I relocated it to Intercom Dude’s room. I’m not telling how! That’ll be cheating! Na, na, na, na, na!
So, no. I’m just crazy! Yay!
Hmmm...I have nothing else to talk about!
“La, la, la, la, la!” I sung while bouncing around the room.
Then, for a completely inexplicable reason, a yellow portal popped into existence over my bed with a quack.
I studied it for a good few seconds. “Finally! About time the Plot Device got here!” I turned and tapped the screen. “What? You thought I didn’t know I was in a story? Allons-y!” I cried as I grabbed my straightjacket and jumped head first into the portal, which shut behind me. Don’t ask me how I know this stuff, I just do.
To be continued...
Right now...
Previously on My Little Idiot, Why Don’t You Just Die.
“We’re Secret Agents, we can’t really talk! It’s fine, you can squee.”
“Hi, I’m an intercom!”
“Sweet! A portal! Jump into it, I’m sure nothing will go wrong! No, really!”
And now...
“Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee!” I cried in joy as I spun around, and around, and around, and around, and around. And around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around.
And around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around.
...
And around.
...
And around, and around, and around, and around, and around.
...
...
...
And around.
I eventually fell flat on my face on something that felt, and smelt, like tiled floor. How do I know what tiled floor smelt like? You try being stuck in a corridor with them for two hours with nothing to do and a straightjacket on. No, really! Try it! I’ll write to you at the mental hospital!
I laid there for a good few minutes, soaking up the smell and coolness, while combating my sudden case of motion sickness. No, wait, it’s gone.
“Um...Is it dead?” A dudely voice asked.
I slowly raised myself to my feet. “Nein! I iz alive!” I slung my arm around his neck. “Now, my faithful companion! To the mystical land of talking plants! Our fortune awaits us!!” I glanced at my new pal. “You’re a horse.” A white horse actually. With a blue mane at that. Weird.
“A pony.” He corrected.
“...Is there really a difference?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes! There is!” He cried, sounding annoyed. “The difference is-”
“I don’t CAAAAARE!!! But, Daaaaaad! I DON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE!!!”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do you want me to arrest you for breaking and entering, or not?”
“What was that? Sorry, I was too busy stealing stuff.” I said, holding out a bowl of salad.
“When did you take that?” He asked, shocked.
I stared at him. “Take what?
“The salad.”
“I don’t see any salad.” I said, tasting the salad.
“You’re eating it.”
“No, I’m not.” I replied, eating the salad. Wait! Something’s wrong! Something’s very, very wrong!
I’m missing my straightjacket.“NOOOOOOO!!!”
“What’s wrong?!” Blue Eyes White Unicorn cried.
“I lost my jacket!” I whined. He simply rolled his eyes and his horn lit up in a purple glow. “Oooooh shiny...”
“I’m taking you to see Princess Celestia.” He said as my body was covered in the same purple glow as his horn.”
“YAAAAAY!!! I get to meet a Princess!” I yelled happily as I floated out of a pair of doors.
“GET THE HAY BACK HERE!!!” The wave of Ponies in armour cried as I ran through the corridors.
“OKAY! JUST LET ME RUN!!” I yelled back, running into a room with a crescent moon on the door, I quickly shut the door behind me. Quietly of course, there’s no reason to just go around slamming doors here and there.
I took a look around. “People. This room belongs to an emo.” Black walls, black furniture, black bedding, black drapes (actual drapes!). The moon and stars on the ceiling are a nice touch though.
Speaking of bedding, there was a bed. ...What you want more? Okay. On the bed there was another Pony asleep. ...What, now you want me to describe the Pony? Fine. She (I could tell because of the shape of the face and plot. What? I know the correct terms!) looked like an emo. Alright, alright! She had a horn and wings! And was quite sexy. What? You asked for it. She had a midnight coat if you must know.
Hmmm. Her name is Desmond the Moon Pony! Fine... Moony the Moon Pony...
The guards finally crept into the room. “Shhh! Where’d he go?” One of them whispered carefully
“Bye!” I laughed, hopping up above the bed and banging pans together above the bed.
“Huughhh...” Moony the Dark Pony of Vengeance grumbled. “Wha...Tia...what time is it...?”
“Hey, shhh! Please, don’t do it!” The guard hissed.
I gave a grin. “What? This?” I leaned down so my face was level with Moony the Night Watchpony. “MORNING, MOONY!!!” I roared. As her eyes shot open I attached my lips to hers with sticky goo goo of saliva. I quickly detached myself and threw myself out of the window.
As the wind soared past me I started to think that maybe this was a bad idea...
That thought threw itself into the pit of despair as I bounced off a mattress a winged Pony was carrying and smashed through another window into a corridor. “Whoa. That was a lucky coincidence.” I looked around expecting the stupid brigade to just show up again. Nothing. “Huh. Okay, I can do it this way instead.” I said as I walked along the corridor.
After a few minutes I found the kitchen and raided all the ice cream and cake. “Muhahahahaha!” I laughed evilly as I heard a cry of despair in the distance. “Hmm. I wonder if they have an ice rink?”
“ACHOO!!” Someone nearby sneezed.
“Bless you.” I said.
“Thanks,” she replied. “...Wait, what?”
I turned and saw the same winged, horned Pony I snogged earlier. “Oh, hi, Moony!”
“Our name is Princess Luna!” She yelled.
“Sure thing, Moony. Heh...You kiss well.” I grinned.
“SILENCE!!!” She bellowed, my hair blowing all over the place.
“...” I quickly fixed my hair.
“Now...thou would do well to-”
“That. Was. AWESOME!!!” I cried. “My turn! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!” I roared, blowing her crown off to the side of her head.
She quickly fixed her crown and grabbed me in a light blue aura. “Thou will come with Us.”
“Oh, I get it!”
“Finally!” She groaned.
“You want sexy times!” I grinned.
“Buh, wha? Sexy...NO!!” She roared, her head looking like it was going to explode from annoyance. I have this effect on people. “I am taking you to see my sister!” She stressed. “For diplomatic reasons.” She added before I could say anything.
“Boy, oh, boy, I could really go for a random coincidence of helpfulness right about now!” I yelled.
“Yeah, well, that’s not going to happ-” She started before a piano dropped on her, cutting the aura off.
“Weeeeeell...didn’t see-actually, yeah, I did kinda see that coming.” I shrugged, sporting a mad grin.
“Sorry!” A voice cried from above as a grey winged Pony-wait...pegasus! I remember now!-flew down. “Oh, no! Did I hit somepony again?”
“Well...yeah. But, it’s cool, it’s just Moony.”
“Moony?” She asked.
“Yeah, she was trying to...capture...me...” Oh! Her eyes... “Your eyes... they’re...”
She looked down. “Go ahead. Laugh, it’s what everypony else does.”
I stared right into her gold, wall-eyed, orbs of beauty. “Ma Cheri, your eyes are so exotic, ma heart soars like-oh, balls to it.” I cut off the French accent, pulling her into a snog. Tongue! She’s adding tongue!
We pulled away. “Naughty!” I whispered in her ear and she turned red. “You’re so cute.”
“You...really think I’m cute?” She mumbled.
“Of course, you’re so cute I could just-” I cut off as a groan emanated from under the piano. “Gotta go! Call me!” I yelled, sprinting down the corridor.
I spotted a pair of double doors and pushed my way through and slammed them shut and bolting them. “Heh, heh! No one captures Elliot!!” I chuckled. ...I’ve just locked myself in with a powerful being, haven’t I? I turned and saw another winged unicorn, white this time, with a tattoo of the sun on her flank, with the unicorn from when I arrived. “...Yay! Blue Eyes White Unicorn! What are you doing here?!”
A purple glow encompassed my legs. “No. More. RUNNING!!!” He roared. “You’ve made a mockery of the Royal Guards! All my training, all my hard work!” He broke off sobbing.
I felt bad for the guy, something I rarely feel. This guy’s a good person. “Hey, man. Don’t sweat it. I do this regularly. It’s fun to escape from high-security places. It’s something only I can do, don’t let it get you down.” He stopped sobbing and regained some semblance of normality. Good enough for me.
“So, you are the creature that has been running around causing chaos.” The white winged unicorn said evenly.
“Well, I wouldn’t call it chaos that’s such a strong word! It’s more like...yeah, okay chaos.” I shrugged. “What are you going to do ‘bout it? I can’t stop. But we have a bigger issue.”
“What is that?”
“Your OPness. You’re a winged unicorn. No fair. I call hax!”
“Alicorn.”
“Bless you.”
“No...It’s not winged unicorn, it’s Alicorn.”
“Ohhh. ...I don’t get it. Meh.”
“Please,” Blue Eyes White Unicorn muttered. “Just...please address the Princess correctly.”
“Oh, you’re a Princess?! Hi, talking Pony, Princess, guy, dude!”
“My name is Princess Celestia.” She replied evenly.
“Yeah, sure thing, Sun Butt.”
She sighed. “And who, pray tell, are you?”
“My name’s Elliot. And I’m crazy.”
“If you were really crazy you wouldn’t tell me you were crazy.”
“Unless the one doing the telling of the asking knew you wouldn’t believe him so he told the truth to lie to tell the truth to the one doing the asking of the telling.”
“Right.” Blue Eyes White Unicorn said confidently. “...Erm...what?”
“Clever. But you’re too smart to be crazy. Too ingenious,” Sun Butt said. Ah, well, I tried to warn them.
There was a knocking at the doors and a prissy looking unicorn entered. He has blond lady hair! It flows in the wind, like petals in a summer’s breeze! Hey, I can be poetic when I want! “Aunty, may I have a...What is that horrid looking creature? Some sort of magical spell gone wrong?”
“Hi! My name’s Elliot, I’m you, who’s me, who’s Pikachu!”
“...I’m you...who’s...me......who’s...Pikachu?”
“...” I looked up at Celestia. “I think he’s crazy. He’s speaking gibberish.”
“Bu...ARGH! I don’t have time for you, commoner!”
“Want a pancake?” I asked holding one out.
“I don’t eat common peasant food.”
...Did...did he just...? He INSULTED THE PANCAKE OF TRUTH!!! Oh, it. Is. On.
A crazy grin spread itself across my face. “This...is gonna be fun!”
As the room grew cold, I stared into the hard, self-righteous eyes of The Snob.
“You...You just dissed the Pancake of Truth...For that you must may the highest penalty,” I growled.
So I threw the pancake into his face! And he shrieked like a little girl!
“Aunty, arrest him!” He blubbered. Hah, hah! Like he get me...wait, did he just say ‘Aunty’?
I turned and saw Sun Butt stood there with a disapproving look on her face. To him? To The Snob? To Blue Eyes White Unicorn? “Blue Eyes White Unicorn, you’re an aunt?”
“NO!! Celestia! He’s talking about Celestia!” He yelled.
“Oh. Sun Butt. That makes more sense.” I muttered.
“Aunty, do something about this buffoon!” The Snob whined.
I pulled out a custard pie and swiped a finger through it and tasted it. “Hmm! This is nice.” I smiled. I turned to Snobby, my grin turning evil.
“Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!” He cried as I threw the pie into his face.
“Ah. Gotta love the classics.” I laughed.
The doors suddenly slammed open, I turned and saw Moony standing there glaring at me really, really angrily. “THOU WILL SUFFER FOR WHAT THOU HAS DONE TO US!!!”
“Hi, Moony! Want to make out again?” I called over.
“SILENCE, FOOL!!! WE SHALT DESTROY THOU!!!” A light blue aura surrounded my throat and started choking me while walking closer.
“Urk...I’m...not into...urk...this kinky stuff...urk...” I coughed out.
“BE QUIET!!!” She cut off the aura and wrapped her hooves around my throat instead. ...Somehow.
“LUNA!!” Sun Butt yelled pulling Moony off of me.
“TIA?! THAT CREATURE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!” Moony roared. “HE KISSED ME!!”
“That is no excuse for a Princess. You should...Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
I took a look at the stained glass windows. Wait, is that Moony? Huh. So she was overcome by jealousy and gave in to the darkness in her heart and became an evil version of herself and tried to bring the eternal night? And she recently returned and six Ponies used the power of Skittles to free her from herself? Interesting.
What? I can read these vague things well.
“Ugh!” The Snob grumbled, wiping the last of the pie off of his face. “Princess Luna shouldn’t even be allowed here. For all we know she could be faking her regret. She doesn’t even like me! That should be proof enough that she isn’t to be trusted!”
I turned to Blue Eyes White Unicorn. “Can you punch him for me? I hate violence, unless it’s in a comedic way. Like so.” I snapped my fingers and a large stone from the wall fell and smashed The Snob over the head; he teetered for a second before falling to the ground. Blue Eyes White Unicorn blinked. “How did you do that?”
I stared at my hand. “...I have no idea.”
“SORRY!!” A familiar voice yelled.
“THANKS!! YOU HELPED KNOCK OUT A SNOB!!!” I yelled.
“...Is...Is that you?”
“...I don’t know, is it me? Is that you, cutie?”
“Yes!”
“Then it’s me!”
“Come see me in Ponyville! My name’s Derpy! Bye!”
“Okay! My name’s Elliot! Bye-bye!” I looked back to the others, they were just staring at me. “What?”
“How...How did you...manage to...do that?” Blue Eyes White Unicorn asked slowly.
“Well, Blue Eyes White Unicorn, I just have a way of attracting strange folk.”
“My name is SHINING ARMOR!!”
“Is that spelt, O U, or just O?”
“Just an O!”
“Okay, Shiny, I got it.”
“Don’t call me that! That’s what my marefriend calls me when flirting! It’s a flirting name!”
“...Oh, Shiny, I missed you so much, my love!”
“I hate you.” He growled.
“Okay, buddy!” I laughed.
“Enough!” Sun Butt yelled. “Let’s try to get back on track here. Why did you come here?”
I shrugged, “I jumped into the swirly portal.”
She blinked, “You jumped into a portal? For what reason?”
“Dunno. I was bored.”
“You...Let me get this straight. You jumped into a portal because you were bored?”
I nodded, “Yup.”
She just stared at me for a second before sighing. “All right. We can probably find a way for you to go home.”
“Awwwww!” I whined, “But I like it here! I don’t wanna go back! Don’t make me go, Mummy!”
“...Fine. You can stay.” Sun Butt finally gave in. “But you’re staying with Shining Armor until we find you a real place to stay.”
“W-what?! P-Princess Celestia, I don’t really have any extra room in the barracks.” Shiny said quickly.
“Until further notice you may live back at your home, Shining Armor. Do we have a problem?”
He closed his mouth. “No, Princess.”
“Oh, one last thing. Don’t let him out of your sight.”
I should probably ask why we both speak the same language; I even understood the writing in the kitchen. “Hey!”
“Yes?” Moony asked.
“Why can I...” I trailed off as Shiny picked up the loose stone in his purple aura. “What’s the aura about?”
“W...What aura art thou speaking of?”
“The purple one that Shiny’s using.”
“He isn’t using an aura,” Sun Butt chimed in, “he is using magic.”
“Ooooh, you can’t see it! Cool! Hang on!” I hopped up to Moony and slowly extended my hand towards her face.
“What art thou doing?” I stuck my tounge out in concentration. “No. Seriously. What art thou doing?” I continued. “Stop! I’m warning you!” Almost there, almost there!
Boop! “NOSE BOOP!!” Moony just stared at me. “...What?”
“Must you act like a complete idiot?”
“...I know you are but what am I?”
“Really? Jeez, I would have thought...Why am I speaking like this?! I am speaking like everypony else! How does this happen?!” She was freaking out. Cool. “How is this...why is there a purple aura over that stone? Wait, did you do this? I’m seeing what you said before!” ...Whee! More stuff!
“Um. We’ll just go.” Shiny said, grabbing me in MAGIC and carrying me out of the room. As he carried me out into the corridor the door closed behind us. “Alright. Now, this is how-”
“YOUR AURA IS GOLD!!” Moony’s voice echoed through the door. “BUT MINE’S BLUE!! IT’S MORE ORIGINAL!!!” “LIKE HAY IT IS!!” Sun Butt cried back.
Me and Shiny stared at each other.
“And this country is ruled by them?” I asked, feeling a little scared.
“GET BACK HERE!!!” Shiny roared as he chased me across the city.
“WHEEEEEEEE!!!” I laughed, drawing stares from the citizens. “HI, I’M RUNNING!!!”
“PUT THE CUSTARD DOWN!!!” Shiny roared as I held up a bowl of custard.
“...Okay!” I tipped the bowl over his parents.
“GET AWAY FROM BLUEBLOOD!!!” Shiny cried, pointing a spear at me.
“Fine,” I grabbed a nearby pie and aimed at Blueblood.
“AIIIEEEEE!!!” He screeched and bolted into his room.
“Two...one...”
“AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He bolted out again, leaving a yellow streak along the floor.
“...What did you do?” Shiny asked suspiciously.
“Scorpions in his bed,” I shrugged.
“How did you do that?!”
“ELLIOT!!!” The Princesses, covered in white sticky stuff, roared as I ran in the other direction. “GET BACK HERE AND SUFFER!!!”
What? It’s ice cream, you pervs. “NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!!” I cried.
“Ha! Not this time, deformed monkey!” Blueblood cried in triumph as Shiny took the pie off of me.
“Awww! I wanted to see the stuck-up brat get his upcommance!” I whined. “...For the thirty fifth time.”
“Maybe you will,” Shiny said, before throwing the pie at Blueblood.
“YOU-YOU-YOU PEASANT!!!” Bluey roared.
“HI!” I cried, grabbing a nearby bucket of water and drenching Bluey.
I was lounging on the grass under a tree. “HEY, MONKEY BOY!!!”
“Huh?” I muttered, glancing up, it was Bluey holding a bucket above my head. “Oh, hey, Bluey.”
“How do you like this?!” He dumped the bucket of water on me, drenching me to the skin. “HA!” I wiped the water out of my eyes just in time to see a beehive fall onto his head. “ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!” He screamed, running around blindly.
I looked up and saw Twilight Velvet, Shiny’s mother giving me a grin.
I opened my eyes to a bright new day. ...That is Shiny’s face.
“Not the best sight to wake up to.” I mumbled.
“Get up, Elliot, Princess Celestia wishes to speak to you.” He said, walking over the other side of the room and turning around.
“What does Sun Butt want?” I asked, sitting up and getting out of bed.
“I don’t know, or she would’ve sent a messenger, okay? And do you have to call her that?”
“Yup!” I laughed, throwing a bucket of pee out the window.
“ARRGHHHHH!!! MY EYYYYYYEEEESS!!!” Someone screamed.
“Huh?” I glanced out the window. “Oh, hey, Bluey!”
Shiny gave me a deadpan look. “Why did you even have that?”
I thought about it hard, straining my brain to remember... “I dunno! Probably for that reason!” I giggled.
Shiny sighed, “Let’s just go.”
We walked into the throne room, Sun Butt was sat on the throne, guards standing nearby, all of them glaring at me. Wow, these guys hold a grudge!
“Shining Armor, Elliot,” Sun Butt said, “it is good to see you ag-”
“HI, SUN BUTT!!! NICE CAKES YOU HAVE HERE!!!” I yelled, scarfing down the last of her cakes.
“I’m sorry, your majesty. He found his way into the kitchen again.” Shiny apologised, for some reason, that cake was goooooood! Sun Butt smiled serenely. “There is no problem. But, Elliot?”
I looked up from throwing pies at the guards. “Yeah?” I blindly threw the last pie in the face of another guard.
“...Yes, anyhow, you are going to go study with my protégé Twilight Sparkle, and help her...um...have more fun.” She trailed off. “Or something like that...”
“I can HEEEEAR YOOOOOOU!!!”
“Okay, I’m going to be honest; I’m just doing this to get rid of you for a while. You’ve been here for two months, we’re all getting sick of you! Happy now?!”
...
...I threw a pie in her face. “Am now!”
She wiped the pie from her face. “Go. Now.” She charged up her horn and a golden glow surrounded me.
“TellTwilyIsaidhi!” Shiny yelled quickly before I blinked into a library type building. Wait...that’s wood. A tree...library. Meh, seen worse. Sun Butt’s butt, for example!
“Hi!” A voice cried. I turned and saw a purple unicorn. Her mane is bland. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“Hi, I’m Elliot!” I giggled.
“I’m Spike!” Another voice introduced. I looked down and saw a purple and green...lizard thing.
“Hi, lizard thing!”
“I’m...I’m a dragon. A baby dragon.”
“Ooooh.” That makes more...wait... “DRAGON!!!” I cried, throwing a bucket of water at him. Then a pie. “Hey, leave Spike alone! He’s harmless!” Twilight yelled.
“Oh. Sorry, Dragon Bro,” I said before turning to Twilight. “Wait, you’re Twily! Shiny says hi!”
“Shining Armor?! You know Shining?!”
“Yeah, I’ve been staying with him for the past two months! Why am I still talking?!”
“...What?”
“What?” I pulled my arm back ready to throw the pie at Twilight. “...Eh, this is getting overused.”
“...Let’s just go introduce you to the town.”
As we strolled through the town we got lots of strange looks from the townsfolk. “Why are they staring?” As I mentioned it they seemed to snap out of a trance and continue on their business.
“It’s good to see that the Zecora incident has paid off...somewhat.”
We eventually came to a building. Like...one someone built. We headed and a quaint little bell rung.
“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique.” A white unicorn mare entered “How may I heAARRGHHHH!!!”
“Rarity, what’s the matter?!” Twily asked.
“T-th-that horrid outfit! I must fix it!”
“...Yeah, bye! NEXT PLACE!!!” I cried as I sprinted out of the shop.
“Okay, this is Sugarcube Cornor. There shouldn’t be any trouble here.”
“Hi, Mrs Cake, is Pinkie here?”
“Oh...yes...sort of...it’s hard to explain. She’s in her room.”
“Foooooooooood...” I drooled. “Cakes, muffins, cupcakes, oh, my!”
“...You can have two things.”
“Two Triple chocolate muffins!”
We made our way upstairs into a really pink room.
“You stay right here. I’m going to go look for Pinkie.” Twily said sternly, as she left the room.
“Okay!” Hey, look! A toothless alligator! Awesome! “Hey, man.”
...
“...You’re weird as fuck, man!” The alligator yelled silently.
“Thank you!”
“GUMMY!! Watch your language!” A voice cried.
“It’s cool. I’m fine with it.” I shrugged.
A PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNKKKK mare jumped out of Gummy’s mouth. “HI!! MY NAME’S PINKIE PIE!!!”
“MY NAME’S ELLIOT!!” I yelled.
“I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE!!!” Pinkie screamed back.
“I’M NEW IN TOWN!!! ...WHY ARE WE YELLING?!”
“I DON’T KNOW!! IS IT A SHOUTING HOLIDAY?!?!”
“IF NOT WE SHOULD MAKE IT ONE!!! WHEEEEEE!!!”
“Pinkie.” Twily reappeared.
“OH, MY GOSH!! THAT IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!!!” Pinkie cried.
“Pinkie.” Twily is stressed.
“I KNOW, RIGHT!!” I shouted excitedly.
“Pinkie!” Twily used Loud Sound!
“HI, TWILIGHT!! IT’S NATIONAL YELLING DAY!!!” Pinkie cheered.
“Elliot.”
“YAY!!!”
She simply grabbed me in her MAGIC and forced me out of the building.
As we headed to our next destination I spotted a grey dot in the distance flying unevenly.
“And this is...wh-where’d you go?!”
I was stood on top of a statue of Sun Butt in the town square. “DERPY!!!” I yelled up into the sky.
...
...
...
...
...GLOMP!!!
I slammed onto the ground as a grey pair of lips made contact with mine.
I Become A Legend Of Zelda Of The Magical Mystic Genie Of Glasgow And The Ultimate Lifeform Meets My Harry Potter Nagger Of Doom And Cake...MONKIES!!!
I looked out of the steamed up windows and saw the early hours of daylight streaming through.
“Read to go another round?” Derpy purred.
“Err...maybe in a few hours, I‘m a bit sore.”
She sighed. “Okay...Hey, want me to show you around Ponyville?”
“Eh. I should probably get to Twi. She’s probably f-reaking!” ...Heh. “Whoop de whoop, readers!”
I strolled up to the library and kicked the door open. “MORNIN’, TWI!!!”
“YARGH!!!” Twi screamed, jumping a few feet in the air. “ELLIOT! Where have you been?!”
“Hi.” I grinned goofily. “I was...heh, bucking.”
She faltered. “Y-y-you-yo-you-you were-you were...having SEX?!” She raged.
I gave a feminine wave of my hand. “Oh, darling! You make it sound so...so crass!”
Spike wandered into the room. “Hey, Twi, can you quiet down? Oh, hey, Elliot.”
“Dragon Bro! What’s happening, my main man?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Uh...not much, Twi was just going crazy after you disappeared yesterday. The rest of the girls are going to be coming here soon to look for you.” Guy’s pretty chill. He’s my new snuggle buddy! ...It’s not gay!
“Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool.” I nodded. “And your plans?”
“Eh. Do chores, then help Rarity.” Hmmm. Devoted little guy. Maybe I should help him sometioooh shiny... Twily glared at me. “What are you staring at?”
“Your magic aura.”
“...Of course.” She continued sorting the books with her MAGIC.
...
...
I sat around twiddling my thumbs for ages.
...
...
...
I helped Dragon Dude with his chores as the hours passed.
...
...
...
...
I slammed my head off of the wall over and over.
...
...
...
...
...
I went over to Twily, whom was still sorting books, and kicked her in the flank.
“OW!” She turned and glared at me, books dropping to the floor. “What’s your problem?!”
“I’m so booooooooooooooored! I’ve been here for hours!”
Her eyelids drooped. “Elliot. You got here five minutes ago.”
... “Oh...”
“So if you could just-”
“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!!” I sobbed.
“ELLIOT!!” Twily yelled.
“...Yeah?”
“Be quiet. The girls will be here soon, and then we can finish our tour.”
“...kay.”
“HIYA, ELLIOT!!!” Pinkie yelled, popping out from nowhere.
“Hiya, Pinks.” I grinned as Twily screamed in shock.
“Pinkie...where are the others?” Twily asked.
“Weeeeeell...they were all like, ‘C’mon, Pinkie, we’re going to be late!’ and I was like, ‘Oh, no! I can’t be late! If I’m late then Twilight might be mad at me, and if Twilight’s mad at me she’ll get angry and if she gets angry we might argue and if we argue we might stop being friends!’ ...Yup. That’s what happened.”
“Pinkie.” Twily smiled. “We’ll never stop being-”
“Where’d your slave go?” I asked, just noticing the little Dragon Dude was missing.
“Spike isn’t a slave.” Twily growled.
“Then why do you treat him like one? Food for thought! Random Human Ramblings, yay!” I yelled at the top of my voice.
“What are you...? No, never mind, I don’t want to know.”
I nodded in understanding. I decided to quote something that had special meaning to occasions like this. “He looked over this amazing sight, turned to his friend and said, ‘Poppity, pop, pop, pop.’”
Twily just stared at me. “...You’re insane!”
I gasped in shock, my eyes tearing up. “I...I’VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY LIIIIIIFE!!!!” I cried.
Pinkie gave me a hug. “There, there. It could be worse. You could have a lot of fish.”
I gawped. “You...you...” I gasped. “You’re...” A grin spread across my face. “YOU’RE LIKE ME!!!” I grabbed her in a hug and swung her around and around and around and around.
After a few seconds of spinning Twily cleared her throat. “Elliot. Don’t you think you should stop before you drop-” I lost my grip and Pinks flew into a wall. Then promptly bounced off and shot all over the roof bouncing off of the walls. “...her...?”
“Twilight!” A sing-song voice called from the other side of the main door as it opened. “It’s us!” Rarity stepped in.
And thusly got a bucket of green slime, which I placed there earlier, over her head.
A rainbow maned pegasus laughed as I danced around Rarity singing, “My prank worked! My prank worked! I slimed the snob, who tried to rob, my fashion sense blind!”
Rarity stared at her hooves in horror as slime dripped onto them. “THIS IS THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!!!” She cried. “TWILIGHT!!!” A yellow pegasus cried, tears streaking from her eyes, shot into the room and engulfed Twily in a hug, sobbing down her back.
“Fluttershy? What’s wrong?”
“It...it’s Spot! He...he’s gone!”
“Spot?”
“A doggie!”
“Winona’s gone too.” An orange Earth pony with a hat said sounding empty.
“Applejack...”
I smirked. “Seems like you two need to chill. I got this.” I gave a half-hearted wave. “Name’s Elliot. I’m a human and I’m going to find your pets. Take me to where they went missing and I’ll eat cake and solve the crime.”
“Fluttershy.” Orange mumbled. “Both our dogs are missing. I don’t think it’s just a coincidence.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Before we go play detectives we should get introductions out of the way. Everypony, this is Elliot. Elliot, this is Applejack,” she gestured at Hatty, “Fluttershy,” she pointed at Yellow, “and Rainbow Dash.” She pointed at Skittles.
“HI!” I cheered. “I’m Elliot and I like to...things!”
And with that we were on our way to the scenes of the crimes.
We arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage, Twilight was still giving a running commentary as we passed through town, there were animals everywhere, Fluttershy seemed to love every form of animal, be it herbivore or carnivorous. I took a close look at the bridge; it just seemed so relaxing out here. Then something caught my eye. A hint of red by the reeds. I ignored it for the moment and entered the cottage.
“T...This is where Spot usually sleeps.” Fluttershy whispered, pointing to a basket. Ever since her initial outburst at the library she seemed to withdraw into herself.
“Hmmm...” I stroked my imaginary beard. I dropped down onto my stomach and started licking the floor.
“What are you doing?” Twily asked.
“Shhhh!” I shushed. “Me in detective mode. Me using Detective Vision.” I sniffed a small yellow patch on the basket before licking it. “...Pee. Not...nervous...” I trailed off. I inspected the floor. Nothing... I moved the basket over and noticed two sets of four deep grooves set into the wood. I stood up and walked over to a small bird that twitched away as I got near. “Meh moo. Clingy cloo clow? Jingie jang, mese iggy. Klickity klack.” I said before sticking my tongue out and the bird slowly approached and rested on it for a few seconds before flying off. I frowned.
“Are...are you done?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. Faecal Matter? I mean, Fluttershy?”
“Um...yes...?”
“I’m sorry to say that Spot was petnapped.”
She gasped. “He...what?”
Twily glared at me. “Fluttershy don’t believe a thing he says. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Really, Twilight?” I asked. “Do I really not know what I’m talking about? Then I suppose that the fresh pee mark in the basket means nothing then, does it?”
“That could be there for any number of reasons! He could have needed the toilet and not gotten out! He could have been marking his territory!”
I nodded. “All valid points. But you’re forgetting one thing. Marking pee and bathroom pee both taste differently. As does pee that comes out when a dog gets scared or shocked. And if he needed the toilet or was marking do you really think that the wet patch would be that small?”
“...Okay, you have a point with the size, but how would you even know about the taste?”
“I spent a few months living on the streets with my dog. It was an enlightening experience. Anyway, then we come to item two! The grooves in the floor. Fluttershy, can you confirm if they are the same size as Spot’s claws? Also were they there before?”
“Oh! Um...I-I’ll try...” She studied the floor for a minute before nodding. “Th-they’re his. A...and they’re new.”
I smiled smugly. “See, Twilight? Those grooves were made as someone dragged Spot off of his basket before they got a better grip and lifted him up. Also they were hidden under the basket, now; I don’t know many dogs that can do that. Do you?”
“I...alright, I’ll give you that one too.”
“Point three. Fluttershy, are your animals accustomed to strangers and strange noises?”
“Um...well...ponies come here all the time to get new pets and since we live so close to the Everfree there’s a lot of unexplainable noises...so, yes...I guess they are.” She said ever so slightly more confident and louder than before. Good to see she’s getting used to me.
I nodded before turning back to Twilight. “And yet...the bird I went over to was twitching all over as I approached. Also when I spoke in gibberish it was anxious. Scared even. So...how do you explain all that? No, no! I still have one more point to make. Follow me.” I left the cottage and headed down to the river.
“Why are we here?” Twilight groaned. “The disappearance happened in the cottage!”
I nodded. “True. But on the way here I noticed something.” I pulled out one of the reeds by the river. “See this? A normal reed, right? Nope. Look at this.” I turned the reed to show the few drops of dark red on it. I scraped some off and tasted it. “As I thought. Blood.”
“That could just be an injured animal!” Twilight argued.
“True. But this proves the contrary.” I pulled the reeds apart to show hoofprints in the mud. “Fluttershy, can you compare your hoof size to these?” She approached and pressed her hoof into the mud next to the hoofprint. As she lifted the hoof it was clear that her hoof was smaller. “See, Twilight?” I asked. “Why would a pony come down here if they weren’t Fluttershy? To clean the blood off their limb from a dog bite that could have been made when they startled Spot.” I nodded to myself. “What do you have to say to that, Twilight?”
“I...Alright. You win.” She sighed in defeat. “...That was a good investigation. How did you do that? You seem too distant to investigate like that.”
“You’d be surprised at what I can do.” I smiled smugly.
After a visit to Sweet Apple Acers it was the same thing. Another petnapping. After asking around town we discovered that a large quantity of other missing dogs. After more investigating we discovered that dogs had been going missing all over Equestria.
We all sat in the library pondering about the discovery.
“So...If dogs all over Equestria are going missing...what are they being used for?” Spike asked.
I rubbed my head. “Maybe...hmm...could it...the Russian rocket fuelled garden hose...”
“...Um...do you think that they’re okay?” Fluttershy asked.
“I hope so, sugarcube, I sure do.” Applejack said.
“Eureka! I think I’ve got it!” I cried. “Back home we had these illegal dog fights where people gambled on the outcome. This seems similar.”
“Elliot. I really doubt that.” Twilight grumbled.
“Hmm...” My ear picked up a faint sound. “Do you hear that?”
Spike looked up. “...Yeah...you hear it too?”
I headed over to the door and opened it.
Two dogs rushed in, one brown and one white, and pounced on Applejack and Fluttershy respectively.
“Winona!”
“Spot!”
They both hugged their dogs, tears of joy running down their faces.
I smiled. “And that’s it for this chapter of Elliot The Crazy.”
Pinkie nodded. “And is it me, or are the chapter titles on the actual chapters getting progressively more random?”
I nodded. “I think so.”
We both grinned and yelled, “UNTIL NEXT TIME, LOYAL READERS!!!”
It was a warm, sunny morning in Equestria, the birds were chirping and- "AT LAST!!!" I screamed, throwing my arms around the wall.
"ELLIOT!!!" Twily screamed. "STOP TOUCHING MY WALLS!!!"
I giggled, bouncing around the library. "I'm back, I'm back, I'm back! Yay!" I dived onto the kitchen table, throwing everything off it. "I can't believe I've been gone for so long!" I sobbed. "Where have you been, Foxy?! I was so alone! Was...was I not good enough for you? Why was Blood and Rocket so much more important? Was I not a fun boy?" I cried, tears pouring down my face into my potted penis. I blinked and picked it up. "Why do I have a penis in a pot? Happy birthday, Twily!" I cried, throwing it at her face.
"It's not my birthday, you UTTER MORON!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO-" She cried in utter joy before the potted penis hovered in the air just in front of her, popped out of the pot, slapped her across the face and disappeared into the void. "What just...you can't just...you...YOU!!!" She suddenly deflated and collapsed onto the floor. "That's it. I give up."
I tipped a bucket over her. "That's my pee." She screeched and dashed to the bathroom. I chuckled. "It's not really, guys. I mean, I did that to Blueballs already." I smiled.
"WHY IS IT SO STICKY?!" Twily screamed.
"That's because it's Spike's pee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later on, after Twily calmed down from her shower. I was seeing how long I could follow her before she got mad when there was a knock on the door. "Elliot, make yourself useful for once and answer that." Twily growled.
"Yes, mistress, shall I get the bondage gear as well?"
Twily lit up her horn in MAGIC light. "Now."
I held my hands up in surrender. "You're a big meanie." I walked over to the door as the knocking grew faster. "Hey, Foxy, are we ever going to meet? Just wondering, you know." Opening the door I came face to face with a red, pirate, fox animatronic. It opened it's mouth to screech when I threw a pie in its face and slammed the door. "I think I was talking to the wrong Foxy."
I opened the door again and a wild Fluttershy appeared! "Um...Mr Elliot?"
"Just Elliot. They called me Mr Elliot back at the nuthouse. I do not like that name, it is nooooot my favourite!" I giggled.
"Um...Okay. E-Elliot, um, I just wanted to thank you for, um, for helping to find out about what happened to Spot." With that she wrapped her hooves around me.
...A hug? I...haven't been hugged like this, with such care, in...years. "Thank you." I whispered, hugging her back. I squeezed her in my arms slightly.
She blinked. "No, I...what?! Just...you can...just...stop hugging Fluttershy."
"Nnno!"
"Elliot."
"No! You! Are a Pingas!"
She stared at me for a second before throwing her hooves up in frustration. "FINE! You know what?! Just ignore me and do whatever you want!"
"'K." Twily screamed in frustration before portportporting out of there. "Wow. She needs to lighten up. I hear long extensive fights against invading alien forces are good for that!"
Twily portportported back. "No! You know what?! YOU GO!!!" She then proceeded to kindly blast me through the window and across town. I skidded to a stop by Applejack's stall.
"Hi, Orange Apple Horse!" I greeted from the ground.
"Nope!" She greeted before kicking me up into the sky. I landed on a soft fluffy cloud by Rainbow.
"Hi, Dashie!" I giggled.
"Oh, buck no!" She cried in joy, kicking me back down to earth. I crashed through the doors of Sugarcube Corner and came to a stop in front of Pinkie.
"Hi, Pinks!" I greeted happily.
She picked me up and hugged me. "Hi, Elliot!"
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I stared at her.
She a fake moustache.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I had a pink fake moustache.
She narrowed her eyes, "You win this round. MarkiElliot."
"That would explain my earlier encounter with Foxy." I mused.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
"Cannon?" I asked.
"Why do you think I've been holding this thing for so long?" She asked, indicating to the Party Cannon she was holding. I jumped in and farted, setting off the fuse. I was sent flying across town once again. I crashed into Twily's home. Through her window. The opposite one I'd gone through earlier.
"NO!!!" She screamed in joy before blasting me across town.
Gets blasted into Derpy's house.
"You know..." I whispered seductively. "You were really rough last night."
She smirked and sauntered over. "Oh, you know you liked it."
I bit my bottom lip, "I know. But...how did you get so good?"
"Well, babe," She slung her foreleg across my weak, fragile form. "I've had lots of practice."
"Oh! You're so amazing!" I simpered.
She smiled at me, "But...I am quite bored right now."
I nibbled on her ear. "I can think of something we can do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I collected £200 as I passed go. I love Monopoly!
"I thought you meant something else!" Derpy pouted adorably.
I blinked, "Like what?"
"Snakes and Ladders!" She grinned.
"Not after last night!" I complained.
Just as I bought the last Train Station the front door opened and a cute, grey Unicorn filly walked in while pouting adorably. "Dinky!" Derpy cried, flipping the board across the room as she wrapped Small Grey up in a hug.
"Someone's broken in!" I squealed. "Don't hurt me! All the cookies and muffins are in the kitchen! Take them and go!"
She just glared at me. "Mother, who is this buffoon and why is he here?"
Derpy blushed, "Um...Dinky...this is my..." She trailed off and looked over to me. "Coltfriend?"
"Boyfriend?"
"Coltfriend."
"Yay! I have a boyfriend!" Little Grey's eye twitched.
Derpy turned back to Small Grey. "This is my coltfriend. He's a..." She looked over at me again. "Human?"
"Human." I nodded.
"Human called Elliot." She continued to Tiny Grey. "You...you're okay with that, aren't you, Dinky?"
She gave a small smile, "Of course I am, mother. As long as you're happy I can put up with anything." She looked over to me again. "Although, I have heard things about this...Human. But I would rather see for myself than take idle hearsay as fact."
Derpy giggled, "Thank you, sweetheart." She turned to me. "Elliot? This is Dinky, my daughter."
"Hiya!" I chuckled. "Want pie? I have a cake!" I pulled out a chocolate cake.
Small Dinks sighed, "No. Thank you, but I am not hungry right now." I shrugged and put the chocolate cake back in Pocket Dimension #42047502.
"How was your day, Dinky?" Derpy asked.
Miniscule Dinks sighed, "School was easy as always. I finished early, so I decided to do a little scientific work and I have made yet another breakthrough in Quantum Mechanics and Subspace Travel but, of course, they have been rejected from the scientific community once again because I am but a child with no scientific degrees as of yet."
I blinked. "She talks funny!" I giggled.
Little Dinks groaned and wandered off. I gave Derpy a questioning look but she just shrugged. "She does that." She sighed. "Oh, well, since the Monopoly board is all over the room..." She trailed off as she saw that the board, all the pieces, cards and money were all back to how they were before they got flipped. I gave her a grin. "Oh, cookies." She groaned.