Sisu

by Ebony Gryphon

Chapter Two Humanities answer to Cloud Kicker

From the time of her birth, Shadow had been raised to be one thing: loyal. To her clan, her tribe, and her Commander. But when called and forced to choose, she did, and always would, choose Celestia. In her life, much had been lost to the mare, but her Commander was always there, as she had been for all three tribes since the defeat of the mad beast Discord. When Shadow was weak, Celestia wiped her tears and held her, when in disagreement, she listened. She was a superb leader, and a good friend.

At the moment, Shadow despised her. Though not as much as the old bitch seemed to hate her. That morning, mouth tasting sour and head splitting like a cord of firewood, Shadow had begun cursing Celestia and her sun to the deepest pits of Tarturus as its rays shined through the Keeps window. Now, the mare sat in front of Grand Master Matthews desk, one eye clenched as the other gave a bleary half lidded glare at the human. Putting on a pair of glasses, Matthew regarded the various documents in front of him. Picking up a document with a pair of tweezers (1), a movement that Shadow registered without a word, he moved it onto the pile at one corner of his desk. Eyes roaming, the man chuckled.

“Well… Are we a little hungover?”

Grimacing, Shadow rubbed her head, blushing slightly under her fur.

“Pray, forgive my… indescrations last night, kind Matthew. It has been many moons since I’ve partaken of vices, and never of such potency. Verily, much of the night is gone.”

Snorting, Matthew picked up the parchment he had finished, and laid it with its fellows.

“Nonsense, my good mare. I dare say no guest has ever made such a good impression in such short a time. However, in the future, as much fun as you may have had with Ruth and Joshua, I’d appreciate if you kept such dalliances to a minimum.”

Shadow twitched, and squinting, muttered “Cry pardon?”

Matthew looked up, then nodded.

“Speak of the devil. Please, leave it there Ruth.”

Shadow looked up at the woman walked to the desk, and laid the tray she had on it. Turning, Ruth regarded the mare a moment, whose eyes widened as the nights later party became slightly clearer. Smirking, Ruth leaned forward, and gripping the mare firmly, pressed her smooth lips to her furred ones. Eyes bulging, her wings shooting out of reflex and the memories were made clear(2), Shadow made a muffled cry of surprise. Pulling back, Ruth waggled her brows.

“That, my fair mare, is thanks for giving us simple folk a lesson in ponies command of the tongue.”

Straightening, Ruth gently brushed the side of the mares chin as she left. Wings falling limp, Shadows right eye twitched.

“She just picked remnants of last nights meal out of my teeth with her tongue…”

Clearing his throat, Matthew looked down again to hide his grin. Blinking, Shadow pouted. Matthew snorted.

“More importantly, I do hope we made a good impression on you, my dear pony.”

Grinning, head still killing her, Shadow nodded.

“Very.”
…………………………………………..

Gale descended gracefully outside the keep, shifting the saddlebags she bore slightly on her back. After checking her mother’s armor, she looked back, eyes widening as she looked up. This Keep was easily the biggest construct she’d since Canterlot. Unlike many holds and keeps she’d stayed in, this one bore no emblems or sigils of the houses within. Across its top, guards and humans in white and red hoods looked down and milled across the paraphets. And unlike the glaring colors of others ponies, the walls were a dull grey, reminding the mare of thunderclouds. In its shadow, the holds villagers had begun to gather, whispering and pointing at the pony, who in her awe, was oblivious to the crowd.

“Nice, huh?”

Gale yelped, and whirled around, eyes wide.

“Up here.”

Whirling around again, Gale looked up. From the wall, a wooden plank jutted, and at its end, and human knelt. Giving a slight wave, the human, who Gale assumed was a male, smiled softly.

“I see our home is brightened today with a fair visage. I am Aaron, your host, Lady Gale.”

Giggling, Gale scuffed the ground with a hoof, and blushed lightly.

“Nay, good human. I am neither fair, nor a noble. If you must refer to me, please abandon formalities, and simply call me Gale.”

Leaping down, and after straightening from the jump, Aaron gave a slight bow, saying “As you ask, so shall it be. Long days and well met.”

Making a sweep of his arm, Aaron said “Welcome to my home, good maiden. If you would be so kind as to stay close, we will go see grand master Matthew.”

Nodding back, Gale walked past the human, eyes wide.

“And quite the impressive home it is. Your people must have powerful magic to create such things.”

Chuckling, Aaron made a dismissive gesture with his hand.

“Magic? Nonsense! This Keep was built by skilled hands, strong backs, and the pride of our stone masons.”

Jaw dropping, Gale turned her head.

“You built it? That’s impossible!”

Smirking, Aaron patted Gale on the withers.

“Get to know us Gale. We humans thrive on doing the impossible.”

…………………………………….

As her daughter made her way to the inner walls of the Keep, Shadows muzzle puckered as she regarded the tome on her current bed. Nearby, the human she had spoken sat, seemingly amused. Looking up, the mare looked incredulous.

“You humans have a… rather interesting view of the Maker.”

Looking down again, Shadow frowned as she turned a page.

“Your faith has similarities to how we ponies view the way of things, but then, you believe the Maker would be pleased with the selling of your children or that one should be shunned for the love of another of the same gender.”

Chuckling, the human stretched in his seat.

“Well, first, whatever covenant your people have with God is entirely your own, as is ours. Secondly, that particular tome makes it quite clear: ones actions are condemned, not the person. In any case, that is not my faith.”

Shivering as she regarded a picture of a man being put through some form of gruesome execution, Shadow closed the book with a sigh.

“And what faith do you follow?”

Folding his hands behind his hand, he shrugged.

“Well, I was raised a child of Abraham. While I still pray, I no longer hold to the words of prophets. Nothing is true, everything is permitted.”

At this, Shadow snorted.

“Ah, yes. Commander spoke those words the day she sent me here. I thought they were merely a jest or riddle. What does it mean?”

“Well… first are the three tenets. Never compromise the Brotherhood, hide in the crowd… both of which are moot since we popped up in your lands like a mushroom in the evening.”

“Strewth… and the last?”

“Stay thy blade from the blood of the innocent.”

Standing, Shadows host walked to the window, and leaned against the wall.

“Of course, there’s more to it. Many, like Matthew, believe the Creed commands us as creatures of God to be free. But I don’t think that is all there is to it. The Creed also commands us to be wise, and not squander the gift we were given. Of course, its also means that no one has the right to rule by birth, and the powers must only be in place at the consent of those governed.”

Shadow snorted in amusement.

“I can imagine the nobles and remaining pegasi Houses would be crying for your blood if they knew you spoke such blasphemy as to question their sacred bloodlines.”

Looking at the mare, the human frowned.

“I take it you don’t care for it then?”

Sighing again, Shadow looked up at the air thoughtfully.

“I think putting anything in the hooves of the ground pounders is like building a house on the sand. The unicorns are at least educated and civilized, but them… Freedom would only hurt them later.”

“Are you a farmer, Lady Shadow?”

Frowning, Shadow regarded the human.

“I try to avoid the dirt when I can…”

“Ah, then tell me. What season should one rotate the crops?”

“Excuse me?”

“Or the signs of root rot. Or a few missing stalks of corn in a field of hundreds. Or how to mend a broken plow. Tell me how to do these things.”

“I… I don’t know…”

Leaning of the wall, the human began to walk to the door.

“Then… perhaps they are wiser then you think. For their own good, the nobles and many of your tribe would strip them of their rights, and at the crack of a whip, force them to toil till they fell. You claim freedom would harm them, for they are not as learned as you. You do this as these so called commoners clothe your back, and fill your belly. From what I’ve seen, your Commander is the only one who opposes this.”

Rubbing the back of her neck, the mare scowled.

“Nay… my words were misspoken. You are right, none have the right to rule as right of birth, and no tribe should gain by standing upon our fellow ponies. But… how can we help those who will not raise a hoof in their own defense?”

“Just take a leap of faith, I guess.”

The mare gave shrug of her wings.

“Perhaps… But surely there’s more to the Creed then that?”

“Indeed. Though many forget, to say “Nothing is true” Is is to realize that the foundations of society are fragile, and that we must be the shapers of our own destiny. To say that everything is permitted, is to understand that we are responsible for our actions, and that we must live with their consequences, whether glorious or tragic, and in the end, those actions will be our story when we stand before God.”

“That’s… a rather bleak vision…”

“Again, the Creed and how we view it is not a doctrine to be followed, but merely an observation of the world.”

“Amen. And I can’t wait to see yon noble blood go into fits when thy words reach their tender sensibilities. No doubt the Princess will sell tickets…”

Author's Note:

1. Matthew noticed Shadow wasn't carrying those when she came into the Keep, and for the sake of both of their dignity, he decided not to ask where she had been keeping them.

2. On the day the artifact activated, and the energy released, Celestia incensed mothers everywhere with a Royal "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" as the energies awoke her from her nap.

Comments

[Lord Solaris Pentecost]

Ebony, I thought we'd discussed this. Bringing a human character into any pony fanfiction immediately tells most of your audience to ignore your story (If not outright downvoting on principal) and find something else to read. This is a common thread with all your stories, perhaps it's something worth thinking about.

And don't talk about how such stories do make the feature box, there's a long and boring explanation for that and it's mostly about chance and spite.

[Ebony Gryphon]

3718107
I appreciate your candor and words, but must respectfully disagree with you, good sir. This story has been done in the AU month, and as Chengar gave no stipulations or conditions, I'm free to write whatever I'd like. Secondly, and I may be naïve saying this, I do not think our little group would be so petty as to merely down vote over such a thing. I may be wrong of course, but that's my feelings on the matter.

Again, I appreciate your words, but do not agree. If I have not ruffled any feathers, would you be so kind as to offer your thoughts on area's of improvement outside of "no human allowed"?

[kooarbiter]

Besides, we have to have someone in our group be "that guy"

[FluxerCry]

Um... what the buck just happened?

No, seriously, I read the whole chapter and I have no idea what really happened. Worst of all, I don't really want to know. That's a horrible, horrible place to leave your reader. My confusion stems from a number of things:

1. Your sentence structure is horrendously inconsistent. I don't even know how to tell you what's wrong, because the most suitable answer for that seems to be everything. Try reading more, and maybe you'll better learn what parts of a sentence should go where.

2. Grammar and punctuation. What more needs to be said? Anyone will have trouble reading a story when there's extra commas, commas missing, words missing, and confusion between homonyms such as "its" and "it's."

3: Your dialogue. So many things are wrong with it, but the worst part is that I can almost never tell who's speaking, or who they're speaking to. Use said tags! And learn what an action tag is; it's apparent that you accidentally added those to some lines of dialogue, causing further confusion.

4. Who's who? You never introduce a single character here; you just slap a name on paper and expect us to remember who they are and why they're important. The only character I felt I could keep track of was Shadow, and that's not even your own character! I've completely forgotten the names of every other character so far, as well as what purpose they actually served. That's not good.

There's plenty of other reasons your writing is difficult to comprehend, but those are the big ones, so make sure to work on those. There were other issues outside of incomprehension as well; first of all, you use the ellipse (...) far, far too much in your writing. Restrict yourself to periods and commas for now; once you have those mastered, you can start using things like semicolons and ellipses. Even then, your commas and periods should far outweigh any other form of punctuation.

That's all I can really say... like I said, half the time I had no idea what was going on. Try to follow my advice; I really hope it can help you get a bit better.

Your Rating:

If you don't know, I'm part of a feature called Weekly Watch. This week I'm watching The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group, so that's why you're getting a review from me. No offense was in any way intentional; all I want is to help the denizens of this website to improve. Your rating, and others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!

[Ebony Gryphon]

3739129
Can do^^ And appreciate the assist