• Published 23rd Nov 2013
  • 2,450 Views, 32 Comments

Bender's Equestrian Adventures - Snake Staff



Join Futurama's Bender as he enters the magical land of Equestria to learn the real meaning of friendship. Or not.

  • ...
4
 32
 2,450

Party Night

“Hey, Nightlight!” Bender yelled as he looked at the photograph. “What are these thingies?”

Twilight, who had been assisting Spike in getting back into his bed, looked down at the robot. “It’s Twilight!”

“Whatever.”

Twilight trotted back down the stairs. “Show me what you’ve got there.”

Bender held the photo up to her face.

“Oh, those are my best friends! There’s Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, and you’ve already met Pinkie Pie, and-”

“Not them! I’m talking about the bling you’re wearing!”

“Bling?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

Bender rolled his eyes again. “The jewelry.”

Twilight immediately brightened. “Oh, those? Those are the Elements of Harmony, the most priceless treasures in Equestria! Gaining their power from the magic of friendship, they represent honesty, loyalty, generosity, laughter, kindness, and magic! Together they comprise the most powerful magic in all the known world, capable of performing feats otherwise impossible, like the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Discord…”

Twilight continued on, but Bender had stopped listening after “priceless treasures”. “Weird, if this Rarity had one, why didn’t I see it when I robbed her place?” he wondered. After deciding he’d figure it out later, he clamped a hand over Twilight’s mouth to shut her up. “Yeah yeah, sounds great and all. You mind letting me take a little peak at that tiara one you were wearing?”

Twilight didn’t know Bender well enough to recognize the look in his eyes or tone of his voice. All she saw was a curious alien creature she wanted to befriend. She looked a little down. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. Princess Celestia is holding them in her Canterlot vault for safekeeping. I’d be happy to tell you all about them if you want though.”

“She is, is she?” Bender rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

“Yep! I bet you’d love to meet her, she’s the best!”

“Maybe I would. Maybe I would… heheheheh.”

Twilight simply smiled.

Later that day, after the sun had finally finished setting, Bender sat in Sugarcube Corner, bored out of his metallic skull. This had to be the worst party in the history of parties. Sure, it was well-attended, but there weren’t even the basic amenities to make this a festive night. No booze, no floozies to take home, not even a single stripper to oogle. Instead, he got pin the tail on the pony, bobbing for apples, and cake. Not to mention the DJ, DJ Pon3, was absolutely terrible. The songs weren’t even explicit, for crying out loud!

This is more like a six year-old meatbag’s birthday party,” he thought, wistfully imagining himself chugging booze with a prostitute in each arm back home. “Maybe this wasn’t my best idea ever.

“Hey Bendy!” Pinkie Pie yelled from the head of an emerging conga line, “Come join us! It’s your party!”

While all these chumps are here, I think it’s time for my crime spree.” Bender grinned. Aloud, he replied. “Just a second, I need to go… uh… iron myself.”

Pinkie blinked. She had learned from her experience with Cranky Doodle that some ponies needed some privacy sometimes, and for all she knew Bendy was no different. “Well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. But be sure to be back here for the cake!”

“Can do, Purple!” Bender feigned a salute.

“Pinkie!”

“Whatever!”

“You Pinkie promise?”

“Yeah yeah.” Bender was already out the door.

Wandering the streets of Ponyville on his own, with most of the residents indoors, Bender confidently carried a massive brown burlap sack full of crap. He’d already been through the town hall and quite a few houses. The next place to hit up was owned by some guy called Filthy Rich. With a name like that, Bender figured he must be loaded.

Breaking in was easier than any job he’d pulled on Earth. These ponies were so primitive that they didn’t even have alarms for their windows! So, naturally, Bender kicked the door down and stormed in.

“Gotta get me some a that.” Bender muttered as he emptied out a display cabinet full of valuable silver dishes. “That too,” he added as he plucked pictures of a brown stallion, a pink mare, and a pink filly from valuable-looking frames and tossed them aside, throwing the frames in his big bag o’ loot. He whistled while he “worked”.

“Doo dee doo doo doo,” he hummed as he made his way up the stairs after clearing out the kitchen. Still no booze to be found. “What the hell kind of crappy-ass planet is this? No booze, no floozies, no cigars, no nothing! How do these worthless jerks even get up in the morning?”

“Hey, we’re not worthless!” came a little voice.

Bender started, then looked around. The voice had come from a small pink filly with a tiara on her head, standing just outside an open door. If Bender had given a crap, he would have recognized the filly from the photographs, but he didn’t, and so had no idea who this was.

“Well I happen to disagree! What’re you gonna do about it, huh?”

Bender towered over Diamond Tiara, but she was nothing if not spirited. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell my daddy on you! When he finds out you’ve been breaking into our house you’re gonna be in so much trouble!”

Bender knelt down to her eye level. “And what makes you think I’m gonna let you do that, little lady?”

“Because I’m Diamond Tiara! You can’t touch me! I always get what I want in the end! You’re just a stupid blank-flank!”

“Oooh, shiny. Don’t mind if I do!” Bender reached down and grabbed the filly’s favorite tiara right off her head, not even bothering to acknowledge her pitiful efforts to reclaim it.

“How dare you steal from me?! How dare you ignore me?! Do you know who I am?”

Bender’s eyes narrowed as he examined his prize. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re obnoxious?”

“What?! How dare you! Apologize this instant or else - aaaah!” Bender seized Diamond Tiara by one of her back hooves and dangled her upside down. “Put me down this instant, you brute, or I’ll see you banished, then put in a dungeon in the place you were banished to.”

“You can bite my shiny metal ass, kid.”

“Uncouth as well as criminal. I should have known not to expect any better from a blank-” *crash* “flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh….” Diamond Tiara’s insult was became a scream of terror as Bender hurled her out the nearest window and she flew across the town.

Laughing, Bender went on to pillage her room for anything that looked valuable before checking another house off his list.

“Welp, that just about cover this little craphole. Time to hit the road to this Banterlob or whatever.”

Pinkie Pie was worried. Not that she let it show, of course. She had to keep everypony else at the party cheerful. “But still, Bendy’s been gone for a long time. And I don’t think he was having any fun. Does he not want cake?” Pinkie Pie could hardly imagine a pony that didn’t want cake, but then again, Bendy wasn’t a pony, Twilight had said he was a robby or something like that.

That’s it!” Pinkie thought, “Twilight’s really smart! She’ll know where he went!” Her sadness banished by this cheerful thought, Pinkie hopped all over the crowded building in search of her friend. Eventually, she located Twilight by the punch bowl. To her great disappointment, Twilight was also asking around about Bender.

Twilight turned when she noticed the pink earth pony from the corner of her eye. “Pinkie,” she said with a worried expression on her face, “have you seen Bender? I haven’t spotted him in here for more than an hour, and I’m getting worried.”

Pinkie shook her head. “No, he said he had to go iron himself, but he Pinkie promised not to miss the cake! He’s gotta be back sometime soon!”

“Iron himself… Pinkie, you realize that doesn’t make any sense, right?”

Before Pinkie could respond, the door of Sugarcube Corner flew open. Standing in the portal was an exhausted, enraged white unicorn. Her normally beautiful mane had come to pieces, losing cohesion and even developing split ends. An enormous red welt stood out on her now-dirtied coat.

“Where is that brute?!” Rarity screamed, “Where. Is. Bender!