• Published 23rd Nov 2013
  • 2,448 Views, 32 Comments

Bender's Equestrian Adventures - Snake Staff

Join Futurama's Bender as he enters the magical land of Equestria to learn the real meaning of friendship. Or not.

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Bender Bending Rodríguez walked down the streets of New New York early on Saturday morning, head low, feeling weak. He’d only had three six-packs of beer last night, and now he was completely out of booze money. He looked at his empty, stolen wallet sadly. The old lady he’d robbed hadn’t helped – she’d only had three bucks, a picture of her seven adorable grandkids, and an utterly irreplaceable note containing the secret to ending poverty, war, and disease forever.

“Useless crap!” Bender shouted as he flung the wallet into the windshield of a passing ambulance. He was so depressed that he didn’t even noticed as it careened off the road and smashed straight through the local Toys for Tots office before exploding. He hung his head and marched onwards, back towards the Planet Express building.

Bender sighed as he sat down on his usual comfy spot on the couch, wishing he had some booze. No luck: the fridge was empty, and Farnsworth had changed the combination on his safe. He needed some money fast, but there wasn’t anyone in the room to mug. Bender didn’t really feel like looking anywhere else at the moment, so he decided to flick on the television. All My Circuits reruns should be on in a few minutes. When he hit the button, Bender saw instead the two late-night tv hosts, Linda and Morbo.

“Hey, what gives! Your boring asses aren’t supposed to be sucking up tv time until after dark!”

The two shared a laugh. Linda straightened her papers.

“In other news, we’re here to bring you all a very special announcement: due to a sudden worldwide epidemic of kindergarteners with art projects, Earth is now critically low on all types of glue.”

“Another weakness of your puny human society!” Morbo interjected.

“Yes, yes it is.” The two laughed again. “As a result, the price of glue worldwide has now shot up by an impressive 20000%. If you or anyone you know owns stock in glue or glue-related products, now’s the time to sell. And, in other news-”

Bender hit the power button again. He scratched his metallic chin. “Hmmm… glue, eh?” He rubbed his hands together and giggled manically.

Five minutes later, Bender was in Farnsworth’s lab. Drawers containing all sorts of bizarre and nonsensical experiments were all over the floor, cabinet doors were torn off their hinges, and delicate chemistry sets were smashed as Bender overturned the place looking for the treasure.

“No,” Bender tossed the hedgehog aside. “No,” he threw the beaker of bubbling acid over his head. “No,” he hurled a picture of Abraham Lincoln out the window.

Bender sat back on the floor, crushing more of the Professor’s stuff as her did. He put his head in his hands and sighed, his antenna drooping. “It’s no use. I’ll never find any glue. I’ll never be drunk again!” Bender sobbed. “It’s not fair! I’ll be sober forever! What’d I ever do to deserve this besides all the things I did to deserve this!” Bender cried some more, only to interrupt himself when he caught sight of a little something he’d missed.

“Hey, a glue stick! Come to papa!” he reached out with his extend-arm and grabbed the small, pink, girly-looking glue stick from a pile of junk he’d randomly tossed across the room. “I’m rich! I’ll never be sober again! Wahoo!” he did a dance on the spot, carelessly crushing yet more of Farnsworth’s valuables.

“No, I’m afraid not,” came a voice from the door. Bender gasped and turned around just in time to see Farnsworth enter the room. Curiously (or maybe not), the old man didn’t seem to realize that the robot had torn through his lab like a hurricane. “For you see, that’s no glue stick.”

“It’s not?” Bender extended his eyes, looking over the small thing carefully. “Sure looks like one.”

“Yes, that was the cover story. Unfortunately, it’s yet another of my failed inventions.”

“So what’s it do?” Bender asked, now somewhat curious.

“It’s actually a long-distance teleportation device, capable of transporting you to almost any world in the known universe, and several beyond. I meant it to allow my army of mutant radioactive zombie lizards to strike anywhere I pleased in my campaign of universal domination.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, nothing. It works perfectly. I just never got that army off the ground. Too busy being dead and all.”

“Why would you disguise it as a glue stick?”

All Bender got back was snoring. Farnsworth had reached his chair, still oblivious to the havoc wreaked on his laboratory, and promptly fallen asleep again.

“Other worlds, huh?” Bender rubbed his hands together and cackled with glee as a new plan formed in his head. “I’ll go there! Maybe they’ll have cheap glue. Or better yet, cheap booze in easily robbed stores! Or even better, both!”

Laughing, Bender unscrewed the cap. The stick on the inside was just as pink and sparkly as the outside. Bender randomly adjusted the length of the stick, waving it around in the air.

“So how does this stupid thing work again?” Bender smacked the glue stick. “Hurry up and take me to another world or I’ll-”

Bender was interrupted as the stick suddenly tore a massive, pink hole in the fabric of space and time. The robot screamed as he was sucked in, dozens of objects from around the room following as the howling vortex sought to consume all within sight before just as suddenly cracking out of existence as it had appeared. Professor Farnsworth continued to snore.

“Aaaaaaahhhh!” Bender screamed as he was hurled through the unimaginable depths of the universe, his every atom threatening to come apart and cease existing. He saw sights that no mortal was meant to see, gained knowledge deeper and more fundamental to existence than that of any creature that had ever lived. If only he had been paying a damn bit of attention to any of it.

“Aaaaaaahhhh!” Bender was unceremoniously dumped from another portal, falling face first into a grassy field. He smacked down hard, making an impression into the dirt. He just managed to look up before being immediately crushed beneath an anvil. Next came a full-sized cabinet. Then a tyrannosaurus head. Then a massive cruise liner.

Bender moaned in pain as he crawled his way out from underneath the pile. “Uuuuuuugggghhhh, it feels like a day without any booze.” The memory of sweet, sweet liquor pulled him out of the daze he was in. “Booze, I need booze! Gotta see if I can find some on wherever this craphole is, and maybe some innocents to rob.”

Bender stretched his legs as high as they would go, extending his eyes like a pair of binoculars. He rotated slowly, scanning in all directions for any signs of chumps to exploit. One way he saw a big, tangled forest that just radiated danger. Another direction saw him looking at a mountain range, and what looked like a fairy princess castle or somesuch crap built into the side of it. Bender noted that down as a good place to go if he couldn’t find anywhere else closer. He scanned around some more, finally locating what appeared to be some kind of orchard not far from him, and a smaller village close to that.

“Perfect! I’m sure that anyplace that grows fruit will have booze, and I don’t even have to go very far. This is great!” Bender laughed evilly. “Heheheheh- Whoa!”

Something crashed into Bender’s backside and he toppled, smashing face first into the ground yet again.

“Oh come on, what the hell is this, Hurt Bender Day? When I get my hands on whoever did this I’m gonna…” Bender’s voice trailed off as he noticed who had crashed into him.

A grey horse about up to Bender’s chest was picking herself up off the ground. She had a blond mane and a bunch of bubbles apparently tattooed around her ass. Her yellow-green eyes were crossed and mismatched, adding to the weird look she had going. Two wings were folded in over her sides, and she wore a pair of mail bags. Letters and packages were scattered throughout the surrounding area at random, adding another touch of the bizarre to the formerly plain grassland.

“Oh,” she said, timidly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. My name’s Derpy Hooves, and, well,” she leaned in close as if revealing some great secret, “I don’t see so well.”

Bender wasn’t paying her the slightest bit of attention. Instead, he was looking down at her hooves. “Horse hooves make glue…” he whispered to himself.

“Don’t be silly, I’m not a horse, I’m a ponaaaaah!” Derpy screamed as Bender shot out his extend-arms, wrapping around the pegasus and drawing her towards him. He threw her in his storage compartment and slammed the door behind her. She struggled and shouted in the confined space, but Bender had long since had himself soundproofed. Never knew when a good kidnapping victim might come along, after all.

Bender patted the compartment gently. “Now don’t you worry, old uncle Bender’s just gonna have you taken apart and rendered down into a high-priced commodity so he can get booze money.” He laughed, then scratched his chin again. “Hmmm, should I go back now? I’ve already got, what, 100,000 bucks worth in here? Enough booze for at least a week.” He thought some more. “Nah, I got plenty of room left. Time to see what I can get from yonder backwards hick village. Although…” Bender narrowed his eyes and looked around shiftily. “If I wanna remain unnoticed, I’ll need a cunning disguise.”

Ten minutes later, a robot wearing a trench coat, fedora, and sunglasses strode boldly into Ponyville.