• Published 23rd Nov 2013
  • 2,449 Views, 32 Comments

Bender's Equestrian Adventures - Snake Staff



Join Futurama's Bender as he enters the magical land of Equestria to learn the real meaning of friendship. Or not.

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Touring Ponyville

Armed with his trusty generic disguise, Bender strode confidently into Ponyville square. Everything was looking up. These clueless equine aliens hadn’t the slightest idea of what they were in for. They were obviously far too primitive and stupid to see through the best disguise his impossibly powerful robotic brain had conceived. Everywhere he looked he saw hoofed creatures carrying gold coins. Booze money carrying even more booze money! What could be better? Derpy had even ceased her efforts to break free from his compartment!

“Yessiree, this is gonna be perfect.” Bender said as he rubbed his hands together in malicious glee and cackled. He threw his head back and raised his arms to the sky, laughing maniacally. So happy was he that he failed to notice that everypony in the square had stopped what they were doing and were staring at this strange, metallic, bipedal creature in a stupid outfit that was making so much racket.

“HEY THERE!” came a loud voice in Bender’s ear, interrupting his revere.

“Wha?” the robot stumbled back, looking for the source of the sound. His head twirled wildly.

“Down here, silly.”

Bender looked down to his feet. A bright pink pony with a mane resembling cotton candy stood looking up at him with a stupid smile on her face. She had balloons tattooed on her ass. Now that Bender looked carefully, he realized that almost all of the ponies had something or the other tattooed on themselves. “Must be some kinda primitive ritual,” he decided.

“Hi there, Mr. Shiny! Is it ok if I call you Shiny? I’m Pinkie Pie! You look like fun, and I love a pony who loves to laugh!”

Bender frowned. He grabbed Pinkie Pie and lifted her to eye level. “Now listen here you little piece of crap, I’m not a pony, I’m-” Bender paused as his processor finally caught up with his mouth. His frown suddenly turned to a shifty-eyed smile. He set Pinkie down gently, then patted her on the head. “Why yes, little girl or boy, I am absolutely a fellow pony. Yep, totally ordinary in every way, that’s good ol’ Bender!”

“Bender?” the little pony repeated, scratching her chin and frowning. Bender watched nervously as she paused for a minute, then suddenly leapt into the air. “That’s a great name! Can I call you Bendy? I don’t know what you meant by ‘girl or boy’, I’m a mare! But that’s not important! What is important is that I take you to meet all my friends, and then we have a party to celebrate your first day in Ponyville!”

“A party, huh?” Bender didn’t have to think long. Parties meant booze, and a tour would help him identify the best places to rob in this stupid hick town. “Count me in!”

YAY!!!” Pinkie Pie jumped for joy.

Bender rubbed his hands together with malicious glee.

“And this is Fluttershy’s house! I don’t think she’s here now, but I’m sure all her animal friends are! We can go say hi, and maybe play a game of catch! Ooo, or tag! Or Frisbee! Or catch the frisbie while playing tag, yay!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing ahead of the robot. Bender followed her up the small hill to what was obviously a hippy domicile.

“Eh, hippies aren’t any fun to rob. Poor, full of crap about peace and love, and they smell! I wouldn’t even bother if it weren’t for all the drugs they have.” Bender thought as Pinkie knocked on the door, waited a moment, then somehow opened it from the inside.

“Come on in! There are lots of little animal friends for you to meet! Like Angel Bunny!” Pinkie held out a sour-looking white rabbit at Bender, who took the little guy as he followed her inside. He threw the bunny into the nearest wall the moment she wasn’t looking.

Pinkie continued rattling off the names of all of this “Fluttershy’s” animal friends, but Bender wasn’t listening. He was too busy scanning the place for the drugs and booze he knew had to be in here somewhere.

“Come on, come on, Bender needs him some booze.” Bender muttered to himself as he carelessly tossed aside Fluttershy’s furniture after checking it for drugs. For her part, Pinkie continued happily listing off all the animals Fluttershy was caring for, somehow dragging them to meet him, then yanking them away again after she had introduced them.

Bender felt a little kick on his leg. He looked down and saw Angel attacking him savagely. Savagely for a rabbit, that is. He kicked Bender and gnawed on his foot with his little bunny teeth. Bender looked down and growled his annoyance. Angel looked right back up and hissed menacingly. Bender noticed a picture of the same white bunny being hugged by a yellow pony framed on the bookshelf. He picked it up and studied it while Angel continued trying to attack the one defiling his owner’s house.

“So, this is Fluttershy.,.” Bender observed, digitally filing the picture away in his processor.

“Yep!” came a voice from right behind his head.

“Aaaaahhh!” Bender jumped, and the picture went flying. It smashed into the wall, flinging broken glass everywhere.

“Well come on, silly! That’s all of Fluttershy’s friends and we don’t have all day! Well, I guess we do, but it wouldn’t be nearly as fun I we had to postpone you party would it?” Pinkie Pie was already halfway out the door, motioning for Bender to follow her.

He raised his hand and looked down shiftily. “Eh, just a second, Bluey.”

“Pinkie!”

He waved dismissively. “Whatever. I got one thing I gotta do before we leave,”

“Ok, but make it quick! We’ve got lots of other places to go before I can go get your party ready!”

“Sure thing!” Bender replied, cheerily. He closed the door, leaving Pinkie to ramble about… whatever she was rambling about. He looked down at the white rabbit still trying to attack the wrecker of his home. “Well well well, what have we here?” Bender reached down and picked up Angel by the ears, lifting him to eye level. The bunny continued to thrash and squirm and growl as best he could. “A little hero, huh? Bravly defending the fair damsel’s home? Well, time for old Bender to show you what happens to heroes.” He stuck his ass in the bunny’s face. “They can bite my shiny metal ass!”

Bender causally walked out the back door of the house, facing towards the dangerous-looking forest, that Pinkie had identified as Everfree. “Bon voyage, Angel! Ahhahahahahahaha!”

With that, he let the bunny drop, then kicked him as hard as his robotic legs could manage. Angel went flying into the distance, screaming his little rabbity scream. Bender watched gleefully as he crashed into the depths of the Everfree forest, disappearing from even his most enhanced vision.

Laughing happily, Bender strolled back to Pinkie Pie.

“And that’s Cloudsdale, where Rainbow Dash lives! We can’t go up there right now, but you really need to meet her when you get the chance! She’s so awesome!” Pinkie squealed with delight. “And that,” she said, pointing to the farm Bender had noticed earlier, “Is Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack and her family live! Come on, I think they’re home!” Pinkie rushed on ahead, Bender in hot pursuit.

“Hiiiii Applejack! Hi Applebloom! Hi Big Mac! Hi Granny Smith!” Pinkie waved to four ponies Bender could see at work on various tasks. The orange female and red male appeared to be kicking trees to shake apples into bucket. The smaller yellow female with a bow was pestering the older green female in a rocking chair about something.

“Heya Pinkie!” Applejack turned from her work to wave back to her friend. Then she noticed the robot in a cheesy disguise following in her wake. “Uh, who’s your friend?”

“This is Bender!” Pinkie pulled him closer to herself as the three younger ponies gathered round, leaving a half-asleep Granny Smith in her rocker. “He’s new in town, so I’m showing him around! Then we’ll all have a big party to welcome him to Ponyville!”

“Well I’ll be, I ain’t never seen a critter like him before.” Applejack said, scratching her head in confusion. “Have any a y’all?”

“Nope.” Big Mac shook his head.

Applebloom just stared at Bender. Then she bolted, heading for the clubhouse Bender could see in the distance. She seemed more excited than scared, smiling and giggling to herself along the way.

“Well now that’s just plum rude.” Applejack said with a frown. “I thought she had better manners than that! Beggin’ yer pardon, Mr. Bender,” she somehow managed to grab his hand in her hoof and she shook it. “I’m Applejack. That there is my brother Big Macintosh”

“Eyup,” said the larger red stallion.

“That’s Granny Smith on the porch, and if y’all will excuse her rudeness, that was our sister Applebloom. This here is Sweet Apple Acres, the best apple orchard this side of Canterlot!” she said proudly. “Oh, and welcome to Ponyville.”

“Uh huh, great.” Bender said with a profound lack of interest in the lives of these no doubt inbred hicks. He was about to start casing whatever house they had for anything more valuable than apples, when he suddenly vaguely remembered something about hicks and moonshine production. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any booze, would you?”

“Booze?” Applejack scratched her head in confusion.

“You know, alcohol?”

“You mean the cleaning stuff?”

“No, I mean the stuff you drink!”

“Why would ya drink cleaning fluid?”

Bender barely resisted the urge to grab this stupid pony and shake her. “I mean…” he thought back to what he knew of booze production. “Apple cider?” he asked tentatively, remembering that it was alcoholic in most places.

“Oh, why didn’t y’all just say so? Of course we have some cider! And I don’t think someone new in Ponyville could complete any tour without tastin’ a sample of the Apple family’s world famous apple cider. Come on in!” she started walking towards the house.

Apple family. That grows apples. These hicks must be even more inbred than I thought.” Bender concluded as he was led inside, a happy Pinkie following him in. She was congratulating him on making friends with Applejack or something, but he couldn’t be bothered to give a crap. Not when compared with the sweet, sweet prospect of booze. He sat down at the table he was directed to, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

Applejack sat a wooden mug filled with golden cider down in front of the eager robot. “Now, I recommend y’all take it nice and slow, to really savor the flavor of that nice-”

Bender chugged the whole mug in one swallow. He had to restrain himself from vomiting. “Non-alcoholic cider!” he mentally ranted, “What the hell is this crap! These stupid, worthless bums! They couldn’t even get booze right! Damn them all to hell!” With what little self-control he had, Bender sat the mug down without strangling the worthless hick that was staring at his face with such a stupid look. “Don’t make a scene. I need to remain incognito until I get the lay of the land. Besides, I can always torch their stupid farm tonight on my crime spree.

He folded his fingers. “Applejack, dear. Your cider is excellent, but…”

She looked vaguely creeped out by his calm tone. “But?”

“Do you know what could make your cider even better?”

“Shoot.”

“Try fermenting it for several months before serving. I guarantee everybody will love it even more.”

“Ya think so?”

“Trust me, that’s what they do where I’m from, and everybody drinks it all the time.”

“Well, that’s definitely given me somethin’ to think about. Thanks for the tip, Mr. Bender.”

Pinkie yanked at his arm. “Come on Bendy, we’ve still got so many places to see! I haven’t even shown you Twilight and Rarity’s places yet!”

“Whoa!” Bender was dragged along by the monstrously strong pink pony. Applejack waved as he was carried out of her house.

“Y’all come back now, ya here!”

“Sure thing!” yelled Bender as the farm faded in the distance, cackling to himself. “Sure thing…”

Though he could barely make it out, Bender could’ve sworn he heard three distant voices on the wind.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CREATURE CATALOGERS YAY!!!”

“And this is the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity does her thing! Ooo, I can’t wait for you to meet her! She’s so much fun, and such a nice pony. Come on, I’ll show you!” Pinkie yanked Bender onwards.

“Hmmm… now this looks interesting…” Bender muttered as he saw the opulent exterior of Rarity’s business.

Pinkie burst in the door. “HEEEEY RARITY!!!” she shouted at the top of her lungs.

There was a loud shriek from upstairs, followed by a thud, then several softer thuds. After a few moments, while Bender was eyeing up the clothing on display with all the obviously fake gems and wondering how much it would sell for, a door opened. A frazzled-looking white unicorn stepped out. A pair of glasses adorned her face.

“Pinkie,” Rarity said, “You cannot simply burst in on a girl unannounced when she’s working, it’s positively-” her eyes caught Bender. “Hello, who’s this?”

Before Bender could introduce himself, Pinkie Pie was all over it. “Hey Rarity, this is Bendy, he’s my new friend, yay! I’m showing him around town ‘cause he’s new here and all and I just knew you’d love to meet him!”

Rarity sized up the robot, and in particular his trenchcoat and hat. “Oh, darling, you should have brought him to me sooner!” she dashed over to Bender and began running her hooves over his coat. Her horn glowed blue, and Bender’s hat floated down to rotate in front of her face. “Oh Mr. Bender, where on Celestia’s green earth did you get these… these… abominations to fashion?!” She looked over his trenchcoat again, from every angle. “Oh no no no! These simply will not do! I don’t know who sold you these, my good sir, but you were cheated!”

Actually, Bender had stolen them from some guy he’d mugged, but he decided against mentioning that.

“I mean, a brown coat with a plain black hat and sunglasses?! Unacceptable, simply unacceptable! Oh, you must let me make you some new clothes at once!”

“Hey now,” Bender said, snatching his hat back. “Let’s not get hasty here. I happen to like what I’m wearing.”

“Oh, but Mr. Bender, you simply cannot continue to allow yourself to be seen in such clothing! What would the others think? I can make you something so fashionable that it’ll blow your brains out in just a handful of hours!”

“Well I ain’t exactly rich, Ms. Rarity. I’m not gonna-”

“Oh it’s money that makes you object?!” Rarity waved her hoof dismissively. “Any friend of Pinkie’s is a friend of mine. Tell you what: as a welcoming present from me to you, I’ll fix you up a new outfit, today. No charge.”

“No charge?!” said Bender, incredulously.

“No charge.” Rarity nodded with a triumphant smirk.

“Well, ok then!” Bender nodded. He realized this would give him the perfect excuse to really case this upscale joint. And maybe get away from that insufferable pink menace for a time.

“Now Pinkie Pie,” said Rarity, “I’ll need you to leave for a few hours while I work with Mr. Bender here. No offense, dear, but you can be a tad… disruptive to my work.”

“That’s ok!” said Pinkie’s voice from up above. Bender and Rarity both jumped as they saw her hanging on the ceiling. “I needed some time to get the party ready anyway! See you in a couple of hours Bendy!” she jumped down and managed to grab the doorway and swing out before ever touching ground.

The unicorn and robot stared in stunned silence for a minute.

Rarity finally coughed awkwardly. “Well now, Mr. Bender, I suppose we should get started.”

Sometime later, Bender was pacing the Carousel Boutique, bored out of his robotic skull. He’d made a good job of casing Rarity’s place while the unicorn was busy sewing away. Nothing that valuable in this dump. Some gold coins, which he had of course already dumped in his compartment, but that was about it. All the fake gems about him taunted the robot with their realism, but he knew they had to be fake.

If she had access to so many real gems, the unicorn would be so rich that there’s no way she’d be living in this hick town and making a living sewing.

Bender continued pacing, wondering if this had been a good idea after all. Sure, free stuff was great, but he was wasting time when he could have been planning his grand crime spree throughout Ponyville. And then, of course, there was that Canterlot place Pinkie had mentioned, with plenty of upper class chumps and even two princesses to pillage. Bender cackled yet again at the very thought of it.

“Oh, Mr. Bender!”

Bender sighed. This had to have been the millionth time the fussy unicorn had called him in for another measurement or his opinion on a certain method of stitching or some other inane crap he didn’t care about.

“What is it?” he asked dully as he marched upstairs to her sewing room.

“Your outfit is ready!” Rarity exclaimed delightedly. She held it in the air with her magic. “What do you think?” she asked, more nervously.

Bender circled the floating display, taking in his new trenchcoat. It was black, with slight streaks of grey and what looked like actual silver threat running through it in strategic areas to make it appear to flow more when moved. It was longer than the old one too, and fit his form more snugly than the stolen coat. His new fedora was also black, with a silvery-grey band wrapped around the lower part of it, and what looked to be dark rubies embedded tastefully on a few areas.

Bender nodded in genuine approval. “I like it.”

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, I’m so glad! You see, I had just the hardest time picturing everything in your dimensions, seeing as I’ve never met another of your kind, and it was such a difficult choice as to…”

She continued describing the challenges she had overcome to make the outfit, but Bender wasn’t really listening. He slipped the coat and hat on before posing in front of a mirror. “Oh, yeah, lookin’ good.”

“You certainly are, Mr. Bender. I’m glad to have helped you bring out your inner potential.”

Bender wanted to roll his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. I like what you did with the black and the fake gems though. Makes me look all dark and mysterious.”

Rarity gasped in horror. “Oh, no no no no no no NO! Mr. Bender! I would never stoop to using fakes! Every gem in this shop is the real thing! I’ve seen to it myself!”

If Bender had a jaw, it would have dropped. “You mean… all the jewels in this shop are real? The emeralds, the sapphires, the rubies, the diamonds?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it? A true artist takes pride in using only the best ingredients.”

Rarity didn’t even have time to blink before Bender whipped out a stolen nightstick. He bashed her over the head, knocking her out cold in a single blow. He tossed her unconscious form into a closet, slamming the door behind her. He bent the knob, making it virtually impossible to open the door without the brute strength to knock it down. Laughing like a little schoolchild, Bender proceeded to rob Carousel Boutique of every single jewel he could spot. Hundreds of gems were thrown into his compartment, crushing poor Derpy Hooves even more. He also grabbed a sack, stuffing it with all the rest of the gems he could find.

Bender whipped out his glue stick, waving it in the same manner he had before. After a bit, he reopened the portal, leaving Carousel Boutique an utter ruin in his wake. Back in Farnsworth’s lab, he hurried to the locker room, cramming thousands of beautifully cut jewels and one very confused and pained pegasus into his locker before slamming it shut. He laughed in glee as he reopened the portal. He had plenty more left to steal.

“Hiya Bendy! How’s Rarity been?” asked Pinkie as she trotted up, hours later. The sun was finally starting to set.

Bender panicked. He hadn’t even considered that someone would care about how their friend was doing. “Uh, she’s… sleeping! Yeah, that’s right, sleeping! She, uh, told me to tell you that she was too tired from all her sewing and stuff to attend the party, and that it should go on without her.”

“Reeeeally?” Pinkie Pie asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Uh, yeah, really,” replied Bender. If he could sweat, he would have been.

“Well, okey-dokey-lokey then! If she wants to miss out then that’s her choice! Come on, I’ve gotta show you Twilight!”

Pinkie Pie bounced on ahead, a relieved Bender hot on her tail.