Chapter 28: And Yet More Questions Spawn
April 14, 2022
“So why are we doing this again?” I ask looking at my wife, sounding annoyed.
“Don’t you want to know how you and Cadence are related?” Spitfire replies just as annoyed for me asking.
“Well, yeah. But do we really have to take a five hour train ride there?” I shoot back, gesturing to the passing landscape. “I mean she could have just ‘dragon-fired’ us the results. I mean, that’s what she did with the letter last night.”
“Yeah, she could have. But she didn’t,” she said crossing her arms. “Apparently it’s important enough to also have Princesses Celestia and Luna attend as well as Cadence.”
“And they’re not here because…?” I trail.
“Because they can teleport,” she replies flatly.
“Ah yes, the ever elusive ability to rip holes in time and space. What I wouldn’t give for that,” I say with a sigh.
“And psychokinesis isn’t enough?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Well who wants to have to sit in traffic, foot or otherwise? Like this train for example.”
“You know the sheer amount of magic required to pull it off. Remember what your tutor, whom just so happens to be Princess Luna said. In order to pull off a flawless teleportation you not only need to shield yourself (and any occupants with you), open a rift in time and space, and protect yourself from spacial relativity since you’re traveling at the speed of light in another dimension until you reach the other end. You’re casting three spells simultaneously, all of which are high level spells in and of themselves.”
“And only six known people can pull it off in this century: three of which are Royals, a Mage turned Royal, the brother of Princess Twilight: Shining Armor, and Princess Celestia’s former apprentice Sunset Shimmer. I know,” I finish. “Cadence barely does it unless she needs to since she’s the Princess of Love.”
“Regardless to that last fact it’s clear that right now you’re only able to pull off simple telekinetic and pyrokinetic spells. The fact that you can do that AND fly should be enough for you,” she added. “It’s not like I get any of that cool stuff,” she said quietly with a pout.
“Oh? Like what?” I ask with a mischievous grin. “This?” I ask as I telekinetically pinch her butt, making her let out a yelp of pain mixed with pleasure. “Or this?” I ask as I press lightly on a very specific spot on her back that makes her blush lightly. A few seconds later it deepened to a blistering red right as her wings sprung out into what has called the misnomer of ‘wing boner.’
“Andrew…” she said while being very flustered. “Knock it off.”
“Or what?” I counter with a fox like grin.
“You’ll sleep on the floor tonight and have no sex for a month,” she quickly blurted out, her face still a deep shade of red.
“Stopping now,” I said quickly before stopping the flow of magic to my fingers. “Please don’t take away the closest thing to heaven that we lowly humans can come close to reaching,” I pleaded. I heard someone making a cracking whip sound from a few rows behind. I in return just flipped him off. I still don’t know if that’s considered bad here or not since no one’s even bothered to tell me.
Spitfire hummed for a second, putting a finger on her lips as though she was deep in thought. “Maybe if you’re good we can do something tonight.”
“What am I, a little kid?” I joked.
“No, but sometimes you sure do act like one.”
“Oh I most certainly do not.”
“Do too. I mean the way that you mess with me all the time, not to mention that the neighbor kids love you.”
“What’s wrong about being loved by children?”
“Well by some it can be seen as ‘creepy’.”
“What? If we have kids I’d have to be loveable. Admit it, I’d be the fun parent and you’d be the slightly more restrictive one.”
“Are you suggesting that I’m not fun?” she asked using the infamous female warning tone.
“Uhh… no? Love you?” I said with an innocent look.
“Uh-huh, that’s what I thought. Well you’re lucky I love you,” Spitfire replied as she ran her hand along my arm gently.
“Well that’s not the only thing you love about me,” I say with a foxy grin.
“The nerve of some people!” I heard some prissy woman say next to us.
“Up yours,” I calmly replied, with a middle finger extended.
“Hmph, some commoners really are uncouth,” she stated before sticking her nose in the air.
“You see this face?” I ask pointing to my face with a neutral expression on it. “This is my not giving a fuck face.” The woman looked disgusted, but turned away with only a ‘commoners’ under her breath. “And now you can see why I hate the elitists,” I muttered to Spitfire, to which she nodded in agreement. The rest of the trip was completed in silence, mostly because I slept during the trip shortly after that. It was a nice dream; I can’t remember all that happened but there was a beach, and Spitfire and I were there.
It was interrupted by the conductor calling out the next stop, which just so happened to be ours. We grabbed our overnight bags, it’s not like we want to do ten hours of traveling in one day, and left the train car. It was a nice one, you know since there were some luxury items in it. Part of me thinks that a certain bookish Princess pulled some strings to get us those seats. Hey, a free trip is a free trip and I’m not about to turn down free. Yes I’m a cheapskate.
Upon our embarkation from the train car, there was a two guard entourage waiting for us. It’s not like I don’t appreciate it, but would it kill them to, oh I don’t know, have undercover guards who totally don’t look like guards who totally paint the ‘VIP’ target on us? I mean I read up on Ponyville and there are some really nice people living here, but you never know what fanboy/fangirl of Spitfire might get ideas; but in hindsight that may have been what Princess Twilight was thinking about when assigning us a guard entourage. I know that a certain rainbow haired Angel may have the hots for Spits, but then again I’ve never met her and don’t know her sexual preferences.
Looking around I saw that there was absolutely no one on the streets except for a few people. I read a census report and said that there were a few hundred people living here (children included). So where was everyone? My paranoia started to kick into overdrive, my eyes darting from street to street, looking for something wrong; that is until Spitfire grabbed my arm in an attempt to comfort me.
“Honey, is something wrong?” she asked.
“Maybe. You see how empty the streets are?” I replied.
She looked and saw the borderline empty streets too. “The streets look almost deserted. There are people that work in town so that isn’t all that surprising,” she replied trying to shrug it off.
“Yeah, but doesn’t something seem off?” My eyes briefly take a peek at the guards who look away immediately, like they know something. “There’s no children in the streets, but from what information I was able to read during my hospitalizations there should be kids all over the place since it’s a weekend and therefore no school today. It seems as though that the people on the street are here to give the air of normalcy.” I saw the guards starting to sweat. “So that begs the question, what do you two know?” I ask staring accusingly at the guards while pointing my finger at one’s chest as we stop at the recently constructed castle for Princess Twilight.
“Um, uh,” one started to say.
“Well, you see…” the other added.
“Yes?” I ask like a father waiting for an explanation. Damn I got some good tactics from my dad.
“Pinkieorganizedapartyforyourdiscovery,” one blurted out.
“Please tell me it wasn’t going to be a surprise party.”
“Maybe?” the other guard answered sheepishly.
“I thought I told her back in the Crystal Empire the worst thing to do was a surprise party for a soldier. I mean some get really jumpy, mainly with a gun,” Spitfire commented.
“Normal parties I can handle, but surprise parties are almost asking for an OK Corral type situation,” I added.
“OK Corral, sir?” one asked.
“A location in which an infamous firefight happened in a town similar to Appleloosa. It left three confirmed deaths and tons of speculation even over a hundred years later.”
“Why would that type of situation happen here? I’m sure the townsfolk have the best intentions,” the other asked.
“Have you even been to war?” Both shook their heads ‘no.’ “I’ve been in situations that require quick thinking and high stress. There’s nothing more stressful in an urban situation than walking into an unknown environment, not knowing what’s on the other side of that door. Having someone jumping out at you, especially when you’re armed-,” I said while lifting up my shirt, showing my MP-412. “-is a bad idea for anyone, even when they’re friendly. That’s why I’m thinking why Spitfire mentioned this to Ms. Pie a while ago, to avoid a situation like this.” I let out a sigh, allowing my shirt to fall comfortably into place. “Now that I do know what’s on the other side, it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“I’ll speak to her later about this,” Spits said just loud enough for me to hear before giving me a peck on the cheek.
“I haven’t met her personally, but from I remember from ‘THAT’ is that she’s hyperactive and could have just forgotten while planning this event. Try not to be too harsh, I don’t want you to be known as ‘Andrew’s shrewd wife’,” I joked.
“When have I ever been ‘shrewd’?”
Both guards tensed in anticipation, “Never, you’ve never been shrewd as far as I can remember. But I don’t want you getting that kind of rep here.”
“While I am flattered by your concern, I think I can take care of my own reputation,” she said before kissing me again. This time a longer, more romantic one.
“Which last time I checked it was ‘kickass, sexy, stunt flyer’.”
“Mmm, I so can’t wait to get to the hotel tonight,” she purred with a wanting look.
One of the guards cleared their throats to get our attention. “I think we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s go in and see what they’ve got. Hopefully pie.”
“What is it with you and pie?”
“Because pie is the king of all deserts,” I declare with pride as I open the door.
“SURPRISE!” everyone inside yelled as they jumped out, and I instinctively reached for my revolver, but I didn’t grab it thanks to the forewarning/coaxing of our escort. Letting a breath out I raised my arms like a criminal getting caught.
“You got us,” I said with a false grin. Mainly because I was hoping that this was going to be kept private.
“Doyoulikeyourparty? Welldoyadoya?” a pink haired blob asked as she appeared in front of my face with inches only to separate us.
“First of all, personal space,” I replied as she took two steps back. “And second, what is the party for anyway?”
“Well it’s your welcome to Ponyville slash family history results party!” she exclaimed giddily.
“Ok then. First one, understandable since I’ve never been here; second though is a bit creepy, how did you even know about that?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“The writer left his word processor open and I took a looksee at the chapter,” she replied as if it were as obvious as a bear taking a shit in the woods.
“Uh… quick question, have you had anything today that’s small and round that may have had a stamp on it of some kind?” I asked, hinting towards illegal drugs.
“Nope, why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
“Then let’s get this party started!” she yelled as a DJ let the needle fall onto a record and blasting dubstep-like music came from the speakers.
The pink haired woman disappeared in a smoky afterimage. In its place when it faded was a coughing Princess Twilight. “I’m sorry about her. Sometimes she can get a little... eccentric about parties,” she said with a sheepish smile.
“I think ‘eccentric’ may be a little lacking in my opinion. You’re certain that she’s not skipping her meds at all, or on anything? No offense.”
The Princess of Magic chuckled, “None taken. She’s always been like that since I’ve known her. I remember when she told us that before she found her calling in life she was depressive. I guess she’s just making up for lost time.”
Spitfire rubbed her chin in thought, “I suppose that’s one way of looking at it. You do remember me telling Pinkie that surprise parties wouldn't be a good idea around Andrew, right?”
“I tried to tell her when she was planning this, but she wouldn’t have it. I apologize if you were put on edge because of her,” she said bowing her head slightly.
“Not to sound blunt, but we’re all lucky that I was able to coax our escorts to let us in the loop,” I said while raising my shirt up just enough for Twilight to catch the glint of metal coming from my waistband.
“I see. It is fortunate that it didn’t come to that,” she replied in a more serious tone. “I’ll be sure to speak to her about this afterwards.”
I started waving my hands in defense, “It’s not like I don’t like parties, just not surprise parties.”
“Well that’s relieving to hear. Why don’t you come with me and I’ll show you the results of my testing. Unless you’d rather party a little first.”
“Maybe later. What’s this about finding out how Cadence and I are related?” I ask as we walk upstairs and away from the party.
She opens a door with her magic to reveal a room filled with books, old ones if I had to take a guess. “We should wait until the others arrive. Until then I’ll have Spike bring in some refreshments,” she said before heading towards the door. “Feel free to read any of the books while you wait,” she said as the door closed behind her, the knob glowing in the magenta glow of her magic aura.
Looking around the room I start to browse the books in what looks to be a private library. “Anything interesting?” Spits asked as she sat down in a recliner, probably used by Twilight when she read something.
“Not really. It’s all magic theory and other stuff that’s just way beyond me,” I replied as I looked at the spine of another really thick book. “Makes me wonder where the good fiction is though.”
“Those would be downstairs,” the voice of a boy said walking through the door. I turned around to see a boy no older than ten walking into the room carrying a serving tray carrying with a pitcher of water, a few glasses, and a plate piled high with what looks like chocolate chip cookies. He set down the tray before turning towards Spits and I with a smile. “The name’s Spike, I’m Twilight’s number one assistant.”
“Andrew,” I replied before shaking his outstretched hand. “Former Army reservist, former bodyguard inside of Air Force, willful guinea pig for a procedure that gave me wings apparently, oh and local amnesiac.”
“So you don’t remember anything?”
“Well between the times that I first met Spitfire until I arrived here a few months ago, no.”
“Well that sucks.”
“You’re telling me. So when you say ‘assistant’ what do you do exactly?”
“Well I help organize Twilight’s books whenever she needs to, I usually cook her breakfast, and generally help her around the palace.”
This slightly concerned me because of his age, “How do I put this delicately?” I muttered. “You’re not, well, in her debt or anything, are you?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, sounding very confused.
“Your parents don’t have any… gambling debts or anything, do they?”
“I don’t have any parents,” he said sadly. Oops. “Twilight took me in after she hatched me. Well more like Princess Celestia took me in and left me in Twilight’s care after she was old enough to care for me.”
“I’m sorry, hatched?” I asked.
“Have you never met a dragonborn before?” I shook my head in response. “From what Celestia told me, around one hundred years ago she was given a dragon egg to keep in her possession. She used it as a baseline test for who could have the potential for being Royalty as you can only hatch a dragon egg only if you have immense magic reserves. Twilight’s predecessor Sunset Shimmer came close, well before she ran off and disappeared for the longest time, well that is until recently when we met her again in a world of anthropomorphic cats.”
“Sounds like a bad acid trip.”
“I’ve heard reports of people who got high off of the fermented run off from the Rainbow Factory.” I raised my eyebrow on that one. “Anyway we ran into her after she stole Twilight’s crown,” and he continued on telling the story of the events that were loosely based on the Equestria Girls movie. According to what Spike told us, it was like a weird reverse world. Instead of schools here where most kids go out on apprenticeships into a trade that they’re wanting to pursue as a career after primary schooling (though occasionally some will go to a secondary school and then a college if applicable as some towns are smaller than others), in this other dimension it was pretty much as the original FiM series was. Weird.
“So on a scale of one to ten, one being all animal and ten being all human, where would you place the inhabitants of the other dimension?” I asked.
He sat there for a second, tapping his chin in thought. “I would say between five and six.” The thought of pretty much all of the characters from Star Fox comes to mind. I shook my head to clear that out of my mind. “But back to the subject at hand the only other person that came close was Ms. Shimmer, and when she ran away Princess Celestia went on another ‘quest’ to find another protégé.”
“Which lead us to around ten years ago, yes?”
“Yep. So Twilight mentioned that you dimension has some sort of television show based on us?”
“Well not quite. Have you heard of the multiverse theory?”
“Sort of. Isn’t it that all possible solutions exist based on the decisions of those at the time?”
“An oversimplified version, but yes. My thought is that in my home dimension this place existed as a thought in someone’s mind and somewhere else, this place, someone made it a reality. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s another dimension out there that is exists verbatim as it does in the television show. I also wouldn’t be surprised if there’s another me here, female even.” For some reason the image of an ideal female ‘me’ popped into my head, I’d look hot. However it was the three ‘pops’ that brought me back to my senses.
Standing in front of me were the three most powerful people in the known world, two of which had ethereal-like hair while the other just had colorful ‘dye job’ style hair. I would be lying if I didn’t say that they weren’t attractive, though I won’t say it out loud for fear of the dreaded couch banishment. All women that are married or in a relationship know that sex sells and sex can be used as a weapon for control. My God I’m whipped.
“‘Sup?” I asked giving a casual two fingered salute.
“Andrew! These are the Princesses! Show some respect,” Spitfire scolded while hitting me in the back of my head just hard enough to get my attention.
“Of course I respect them. However we’re in a casual setting and I’m currently under an indefinite green card right now, so officially until my papers are pushed through they’re not my leaders until so. And if we were in a throne room or something of course I’d be more formal.” I shifted my attention back to the three attractive females in the room. “So how are things?”
“I am doing fine. The damage from your little misadventure a few months ago has been completely cleaned up and it is now like it never happened,” Cadence replied. I nodded in agreement. From what I remembered from the damage report I read in a newspaper it wasn’t too bad, but it ruined one of the castle’s public gardens.
“Rumors have been floating around the castle and Canterlot about this mysterious stranger that married the captain of the Wonderbolts who keeps his head covered, making it impossible to tell who he is,” Celestia said cryptically.
“What can I say? I like my privacy,” I replied. “Trust me, paparazzi and me don’t mix. I’d be partial to punch one if they invaded my personal space, just saying. How Spits puts up with it is a mystery.”
“You learn to ignore it,” Spitfire replied nonchalantly.
“So you keep telling me.”
“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting,” Twilight said coming into the room. “My discussion with Pinkie ran longer than expected.” She then saw her other three Princess colleagues. “Princesses, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there,” she said while bowing.
“Twilight, how many times do I have to tell you? You don’t have bow down to us anymore,” Celestia said with a smile.
“Sorry,” Twilight replied with a sheepish smile and a slight blush of embarrassment. “Force of habit I suppose. Anyway for the reason you’re all gathered here,” she said with a smile while clapping her hands together in excitement. “As you all know several months ago Spitfire returned with several new friends, as well as her husband.”
“And all I got was this lousy scar,” I quipped, which earned me a playful smack to the back of the head. “What?” I asked which got a slight smirk from Luna as well as a gentle smile from Celestia and Cadence.
“I’m sorry for his actions,” Spitfire said. “He’s still a little miffed by this one noble who was insulting him on the train.”
“Rightfully ‘miffed’ might I add.”
“Anyway,” Twilight said, returning our attention to her. “A question has been running through the minds of several of us, mainly being how Cadence and Andrew are a familial match though Andrew has no family here that we know of.”
“Which for all intents and purposes should be impossible,” I added, getting a nod of agreement from Twilight.
“Well we no long have to wonder anymore, for I have-,” she paused for dramatic tension before pulling out a manila folder, “the answer!” She placed the folder on the table and opened it. Inside was a bunch of old looking and new files. “As you all know, or well most know, we have made strides in decoding the DNA genome in recent years; even more so in the last few months with the scientists from the other world that tagged along. Thanks to their help we were able to finish our first DNA sequencer, which allows us to compare two DNA samples and find out if two people are related, or in other areas solve crimes once implemented.
“As you know Andrew was given a large amount of my blood from the Crystal Empire’s blood bank, primarily because his is such a rare type and mine was a match. I am sorry about that by the way,” Twilight said with some remorse.
“If we want to blame anyone on that, blame biology, and it’s all water under the bridge now,” I replied.
“Anyway the reason we were able to find a match so quickly was because of a spell known to all medics, doctors, and nurses that reveals the castee’s blood type. Fortunately there aren’t many blood types so therefore it is a simple spell with little margin for error. DNA on the other hand was one of the things we weren’t able to really explore until now because of its complexity. So before now we had to rely on family histories that sometimes went unmanaged due to laziness or for other reasons for decades if not longer; this was one of my personal projects this last year trying to find out who is related to whom in Ponyville which revealed that by a many greats grandparent Pinkie and Applejack were related.
“Using a combination of the two has revealed two very interesting things. One being that Cadence is Andrew’s great-great-great-great grandniece, and the alleles confirm that using the sequencer.”
“Ok, and the other thing?” Cadence asked.
“The other is that before three hundred years ago, your great-great-great-great grandmother’s history doesn’t go back any farther, her spouse on the other hand is a different story but it is as though your so many greats grandmother just appeared out of nowhere and just started a life under the radar for whatever reason.”
An uncomfortable silence settled into the room. “But how is that possible, people don’t just appear out of nowhere?” Luna asked.
“I do not know, sister. Even three hundred years ago we still had birth, death, and immigration records primarily for tax purposes. If it were up to me there would be no taxes, but then again you have to pay civil servants somehow,” Celestia chimed in.
“But how is that possible? If this in fact a parallel universe, as I was discussing with Spike earlier, how is it possible?” I asked no one in general.
“Many people don’t know this except for a select few, but when I was imprisoned on the moon the Nightmare left me and seeped into the moon, creating the visage that many saw for generations as the ‘Maiden in the Moon.’ One thing that only Celestia knows is that during this period I was also completely aware of the state of the stars, moon, and space around the planet. Believe me when I say it was very boring, even with the others that were imprisoned on the rock with me. Anyway a few centuries ago I felt a disturbance in the atmosphere of the planet as it appeared in orbit first before descending. To this day I know not what it is,” Luna said completing her tale.
“Aliens? It couldn’t be. Could it?” I wondered out loud.
“That would explain the strange fireball in the sky that was seen by some farmers around that time. They just poured into the day and night courts for days asking for an explanation about it. I sent out sentries and other hired help, but none were able to find anything,” Celestia said.
“Where was my five-greats grandmother living at the time of her appearance?” Cadence asked finally speaking up.
“According to the records she applied for a business license in a small town north of current Manehatten called Timberland, before that there is no record of where she appeared,” Twilight replied.
“Wait a second,” Spitfire said catching all of our attention. “From what I remember from my high school geography, isn’t Timberland a few dozen miles away from the Empire’s border? Is it possible that she wandered down from there?”
“Now that you think about it that does seem logically sound. The cities of the Empire, primarily the capital, were locked inside of a pocket dimension where time passed inside one second to a hundred years on the outside,” Cadence said.
“Which makes sense why the inhabitants where downright terrified of their ex-oppressor when we asked about the Crystal Heart our first time in the kingdom,” Twilight added. “If it was one thousand years the fear would have diminished since he could not touch them from his icy prison outside of the pocket dimension. But that makes sense.”
“Do you think that whomever the pilot was knew this, that there would be no one in that region that would see them touch down there?” I asked. “Princess, were there any reports of a fireball leaving as well?”
“No, there wasn’t,” Celestia replied. Then it dawned on everyone, but Celestia was the first to say it. “It never left.”
“But the only thing we found in the north was… that complex,” Twilight said slowly. “The one that had your video inside of it,” Twilight said pointing to me.
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