|Humanized characters|
Nothing happens by chance, my friend... No such thing as luck. A meaning behind every little thing, and such a meaning behind this. Part for you, part for me, may not see it all real clear right now, but we will, before long.
-Richard Bach
As far back as Andrew could remember, he was always a normal guy. He never stood out but he never went undetected by his peers. At the age of 23 and on the last day of his tour in the Army, he's hoping that life will wind down like it was before his reserve was called to replace another company already in Afghanistan.
Spitfire lead an exciting life by not only being in the Wonderbolts, Equestria's most advanced air force out of any nation on Equius, but being the youngest captain in recent history at the young age of 24. Flying is her life whether it's practicing maneuvers with her squadron or performing for tens of thousands per show. However for her one fateful flight through the world's most infamous hot spot for odd activity takes a turn for the worse.
Fate, God, or another entity has tied these two together for better or for worse.
Rated teen for language, and the sex tag was added for implied scenes and innuendos.
Dark/gore warning for chapters 10 part 1 and 10 part 2
All characters are humanized, however the pegasi retain their wings and unicorns retain their magic.
Note: I know some things are unrealistic at times, but I'm trying to keep it as close as possible for some semblance of realism in the real world.
Categories and rating are subject to change at any time.
Any suggestions and constructive criticisms are welcome.
Please upvote if you liked it, but if you downvote please state why in a comment or a PM.
Disclaimers:
All characters (human OC's) appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to DHX Media and their appropriate associates and this fic is not for profit.
Any mentioned media or products in this fic belong their respective companies and owners.
This is not a self-insert. Andrew may have some quirks that I personally have and may share some personal experiences that help advance the story.
hmm, you have my interest... I don't usually like humanized ponies but I'll give this a shot.
but it was cute. The details are sufficient, you give us enough info, I can buy their reasoning behind testing out the planes but, aren't they are flying military planes that are stated to be very expensive? you'd think they'd check to see if the weather was permitting a flight out to a very dangerous area before going 
eeh whatever it's not that important, I didn't really think of it until afterwards. but there is one thing that I couldn't ignore, and it was: how did Spitfire not see a funnel cloud that is stated to be right in front of her plane?! I mean if it came at her from the side and Fleetfoot had yelled a warning over the radio, ok I'd understand, but here it's basically right on top of her and she didn't notice until it was pointed out to her? It might not be a huge problem to someone else, but it bothered me and to be honest that's really the only flaw I can find. There are a few grammar errors but they don't detract from the story, it's mostly just spots that could have been worded better.
The characters are... ok I guess, we do get a nice look at their personalities but idk they're just maybe a little bit flat, but it is only the first chapter so I'll give this time to develop. I like the little pun you did there with the Bermuda triangle, to be honest I didn't notice that until it was said a second time
I know what you're trying to say, but grammatically speaking this sentence is incorrect. It should be split into two different sentences as they talk about two different things happening. They might be as a result of the same factor but the action sequence is different. I recommend putting a period after 'plane' and then write another sentence with what's left and edit from there. Or you could put "before she could evade it" at the beginning of the sentence and then continue to describe how the funnel hits her plane. like 'before she could evade it, the partially formed funnel ...... '. I think that would be the best way to fix it.
Do you see what's wrong? This sentence is repetitive. After one writes "as [person or noun] [verb -ed] something [person] [verb -ed]', you repeated the word 'as' and that confuses readers as they now have to go back, reread, and figure out what you meant to say. My recommendation, take out the word 'as' and 'themselves' (which should never be put after 'they'. It makes a sentence repetitive). Also, I'm not sure if the word 'new' was a typo and was meant to be 'now'. If it wasn't.... then I think putting 'now' would be better. It doesn't really make sense to say 'new' there, if you said 'now' it works fine in the sentence.
Oh my gosh, Spitfire's decapitated head is rolling around the cockpit!
yeah, I know you didn't mean that, but that's what it sounds like. Writing 'her body' or even just 'she' would work. If you want to write individual body parts then you have to be careful with what verbs you use to describe what is happening to said body part. Using throw probably wasn't the best choice. One way to fix this would be to flip the sentence and write what is happening to cause her to knock around the plane. Also, the word 'rattled' is in the wrong tense; it should be 'rattled'.
Well I think that is all. Good story, a few rough patches here and there, I think with just a little bit more work this would be a nice story
. I'm sorry for my rather lackluster "review", I am very tired but I didn't want to put this off until later, I hope I was able to help.
3459096
Well I wouldn't call it a "review" but more like a "hey here's some errors now go fix them" type reply. Which is what I'm viewing it as. Hey if you want to read the other two chapters I already have written and beta read them and give me some feedback on what I've got I'd appreciate it, if you're interested of course.
But I'll go ahead and make those changes you suggested.<-- FixedBut as for a few things you addressed content-wise. The real life Bermuda Triangle has been notorious for random things happening at random times. Yeah I know a random cloud in this case seems cliched, but of all the ways to go from world to world it's not the worst one nor the most repetitious that I've seen appear in other stories. The tunnel that inspired that scene was from a night of drinking and watching an episode of Ancient Aliens about both the Bermuda Triangle and Devil's Triangle in which a plane flew through a vortex like cloud and ended up in Miami 3 hours before he was supposed to show up, or at least that's how the guy's story goes. You know how those alien shows go where they over exaggerate a lot of those stories, but you see what I'm getting at.
As for their planes by going by our history the P-51 was one of the most powerful planes in the skies netting more kills than losses every time they were deployed making them the "most advanced and most powerful" planes during the second World War which were even used until the Korean conflict and jets started coming into play. (Yay History channel, well and the internet.)
And I do see the error in the description of what happened in the cockpit and I'll fix that issue since it is a little lacking in description a bit.<-- Fixed, hopefully in an ideal fashion.3459169 well my reviews really touch on every thing from a story. I usually go scene by scene when reviewing, pointing out what was done well, what wasn't, and what I liked. I felt bad that I didn't do that for yours which is why I apologized. that sounds a bit harsh... did I come off that way?
Sure, I'd love to beta read.
Hmm, maybe that's why it didn't bother me as much. It's not really that the cloud was random, I really had no problem with the use of the cloud to get her into other worlds, I thought it was rather creative, it was just that Spitfire isn't notice a huge funnel cloud right in front of her. I see, funny, I was going to ask if your inspiration for her plane appearing in a dessert like area was from the movie 'Encounters of the Fourth Kind' where a bunch of disappeared WWII planes reappeared in Mexico's desert.
Wow, that's cool. WWII has always been one of my favorite topics to study, the history channel doesn't play nearly as much WWII documentaries as they should :/
I looked over all the stuff you edited and with my now more awake mind I think I've found a reoccurring problem. You don't use commas where they should be used. The sentence detailing the other Wonderbolts reactions needed commas to break up the main sentence from the little extra part in the middle of it. Other than that I think it's fine now. you still didn't change the world 'rattling' to 'rattled' though.
PM me about beta reading your following chapters.
3461414
It also helps when my brother went through a phase of obsession with that era and got a shit-ton of books on that time period. It's been a while since I was in my AP English class years ago so I have some catching up to do on that stuff again.
I guess I'll have to go back through the master document I've been editing in Word and see what I've got going on with those errors.
3461471 that would be helpful haha. I think you'll get back into the swing of things soon, once you start using those old skills it all comes back to you pretty fast.
Word doesn't tend to catch missing commas. It really only says anything when a sentence is rendered completely illegible without commas. But I'm sure with a read through a few mistakes will pop up here and there
" Our British cousins. " We all know the relationship between American and England. America big spoon England little spoon. This is the only situation where I'm the little spoon!
3537959 well of course we all know that little fact, or at least most of us. The anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg happened near the time of writing the most recent chapter and Lincoln was assassinated while watching the play Our American Cousin and the line just wrote itself.
Continue.... Giggity
3565031 and I shall. Just as soon as I finish this damn JavaScript project for a class due on Tuesday
"Mahogany" mmmmm Mahogany.
3596988 yes, the desk choice of all who have expensive things.
3597518
But....... Mahogany!!!! Mmm Mahogany.
3597944 I know what you mean there
I was going to go with redwood from the redwood forest, but then I said to myself "nah, it's gotta be mahogany."
yeeeesssss
3633666 I am glad to hear that you're liking this
. What are you liking so far?
3633682
I just love humanized Spitfire stories!
And the fact the this story is rather well written is a double!
3633703 Why thank you, I do appreciate a compliment such as yours
. I do try my best to make sure that what I release is the best possible quality in grammar and correct spelling.
Was that Spitty's ear??
3643350
please elaborate, because that's not what I wrote there nor implied.Wait. I know what you're talking about. I'll add it to the story in this chapter but it's the previous victim's ear. I mention it in the second half of chapter 10 (written but not edited at this point in time).
3643350(3643712) Fixed. Sorry for the confusion.
Overkill much!!
I thought the slasher would be as mad as the Joker that would be funny but to my disappointment he was not. When Andrew asked if he liked being cut if he said yes I would of laughed with a honest to god smile on my face.
3663384 Yeah, I was sort of busy when I was writing that chapter. Finals and all. I do have a plan to possibly rewrite that chapter, however I just don't have it in my heart to kill someone off slowly (though the result is ideal in my mind), even if they are fictional, except for those who have it coming. This two-part chapter was just one that just popped into my mind while I was working on a final project and managed to crank it out quickly just to get it down. Yeah it's not my best work, but I had to get it out, you know? I promise that I won't be that sloppy in the future when writing a chapter like this.
3663475
I meant nothing by my comment I was just disappointed by the crazed killers reaction to being cut himself someone going through that much madness I thought would have a positive view on being sliced. And trust me and every other reader you are doing a good job there is no reason to doubt yourself and your abilities and geting stressed sometimes you need to just say "Fuck the world" and do what you want.
3670201 Sorry that I misread what you meant. A 40 some hour driving trip was stressful in and of itself without the terrible drivers, the I-40 from Amerillo to the New Mexico border was completely shutdown from 11a-3pm, more Sunday drivers (literally), and then infighting in the car I would tend to misread something lol. But now that the stress from the finals is gone I can write a little more clearly and planned. But I do thank you for your comment
.
Get me coffee and I’ll love you long time
I read this sentence once then again on the third try I did it with a Chinese accent then it suddenly made sense!!!
3686619 Actually that's sort of an inside joke between me and my girlfriend. She says that from time to time (yes she is Asian) when she wants something.
3686705
Yeah it's also a joke in England that me and my friend do. And I didn't mean offence to anyone because a lot of people are a bit touchy feely.
3686766 It's also here in the US and I'm not offended by it at all, neither is my girlfriend. It all depends on who you're talking to and how close you are with them I guess.
3686842
I was just making sure is all. And also this chapter was good and I will never look at Santa hats the same way again.
3686859 No problem. I was going to go with something a little more R/NC-17 rated, but then I said "nah I'm just going to keep it PG-13," so I was going with the image of something along the lines of a bikini with that faux white fur around it, though I'm pretty sure you guessed that lol.
excawent
5 wisdom teeth bet they hurt like a bitch and the other day my friend had about 10 teeth out. He was so drugged up it was hilarious.
Riding on a surf board while being dragged by a tank through mud. My imagination spiked and I pictured giant pirañas trying to eat the surf board. Seems legit.
3696313 The wisdom teeth part was a personal experience (and yes it did hurt like a bitch), everyone's is different. I've been lucky to have little dental work done, some have not been so lucky (like my girlfriend). But anyway that tank scene was randomly thrown in after watching Enlisted, actually it's pretty funny and I recommend checking it out if you can. Perhaps the piranha part was inspired by a certain piranha attack off the coast of Argentina?
Just a couple of notes on the new chapter: it's been about 10 years since I've been in Washington DC, so I'm sure there's bound to be some dependencies in the information, for that I apologize if I am wrong about anything. If there's anything that needs to be changed it will be done at a future date. Thank you.
Been to the Reflecting pool I had the same reaction as Spitfire and don't forget there was also the famous scene from Forest Gump there which is one of my most favourite movies of all time.
This bit of Forest Gump always makes me laugh.
"Come on Forest, I wanna get my sea legs on!"
"But Lieutenant Dann... You don't have no legs?"
"I know it's just a figure speech Forest."
3717848 Ah yes, one of my personal favorite movies. "Life's a bunch of chocolates, you don't know what you're going to get."
That was a good movie
3741730 You're referring to my Monty Python reference, right? If so then you are correct that it is.
3741829
Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Mr. Smith goes to Washington
3745916 I do regret not seeing Mr. Smith Goes to Washington fully. I've seen parts here and there and know that it's an old movie, but that's about all I know about it. I'll have to look it up some time in the future I guess.
Subject Delta? Hmm I gotta feeling it's like Project X on Wolverine Oragins.
3757016 Something like that, yes, but not quite. I was going to put this in (but at the time thought it was unnecessary), but officially Andrew is listed as Subject Alpha, and two weeks have passed. What could have possibly happened in those two weeks to cause them to cryogenically freeze Delta? And before you start guessing, it will be revealed in due time.
When you mentioned Langley Virginia, I instinctively looked out my window to make sure that CIA agents weren't nearby
I live literally 10 minutes from there
That was good
3840850 Thank you
I believe there is an error here. FIMfiction says there are no more chapters to read. Must be glitchy software, huh?
3882357 There shall be another up soon, just you wait.
(Edited)
a question about the "immunity booster" has it only been given to one person, or many? either way this sounds like an upcoming plot point
4011911 I'm not going to give much away because SPOILERS! But what I will say is that is an "immunity booster." Take notice that it's quoted here. If you saw me IRL I would have used air quotes.